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How To Stop a Friendship

How do you stop being friends with someone when the person you don't want to associate with has done nothing wrong?

A person entered my life a while ago and a friendship of sorts developed. I felt early on that I had to set up boundaries so that this friendship would not develop into something more. There were feelings coming my way that I did not want to receive. At the time my feelings toward this guy were not strong.

Now, I believe the reverse is true. I don't believe this guy has anything other than a friendship in mind but my feelings are stronger. I don't think he is aware of how I feel towards him.

I don't believe love is blind. Lust is blind, not love. I know enough about him and enough about me to know that a relationship will not work. I'm not his type and he is not mine. But I love him and it hurts to be with him when I know that nothing can become of our relationship more than just a friendship.

So , how do you dump a friend when you love them?

by Anonymousreply 4205/27/2013

Why would you dump him? How lucky are you to have a friend that you love?!? Be friends, but recognize that it will never be more than that.

by Anonymousreply 103/31/2013

If it really is that hard for you, then yes, you should probably put some distance between you. But I would tell him why and how you feel. At the very least, he will appreciate the honesty.

by Anonymousreply 203/31/2013

Yeah gays, what happens when two bottoms fall in love?

by Anonymousreply 303/31/2013

Funny to see you post here R3 because I was just thinking that this sounds like lesbian drama!

by Anonymousreply 403/31/2013

This has GOT to be a troll post. Otherwise, OP, you are fucked up nine ways from Sunday and too mentally ill to be in ANY kind of relationship. Your post made my head hurt.

by Anonymousreply 503/31/2013

"Ellen, there's a wall."

by Anonymousreply 603/31/2013

Small steps. Start spending less time, less communication until it ends.

by Anonymousreply 703/31/2013

Don't answer his calls or emails. Avoid the area where they live so you don't run into them. In other words do the opposite of what you would do if you wanted to be their friend.

by Anonymousreply 803/31/2013

R3, not true. The reason a relationship would not work is not due to sex.

R5, I'm glad I've provided you something to remember me by.

To the rest, thank you for your advice.

by Anonymousreply 903/31/2013

[all posts by ham-fisted troll a removed.]

by Anonymousreply 1003/31/2013

What is it about this man that has drawn you in? What do you want?

by Anonymousreply 1103/31/2013

I went to this restaurant and ordered the lobster and at first I didn't like the look of it but I realized it was a problem with my glasses and that the food was actually fresh and delicious. Now I need to know how to ask the waiter to send it back.

by Anonymousreply 1203/31/2013

Get. A. Life.

by Anonymousreply 1303/31/2013

If you don't want to know him anymore, you fade away. Simple. Otherwise, be totally upfront and mention how the two of you would be horrible in a relationship but you have feelings for him all the same, and you're probably going to back away for awhile til the feelings subside. He'll probably appreciate:

1. The compliment

2. The honesty

3. You not angling for something that would be bad for both of you.

And then he won't mind not hearing from you for awhile. He'll understand.

by Anonymousreply 1403/31/2013

R10, I'm sorry if my post has brought up past unpleasant feelings for you. I appreciate the advice, though.

R11, when I first met him, I offered him some help. I thought as he acclimated into his new life that he would move on to other friends, but he has not. The improvement that I see that he has made in his life is admirable. He is a good man. As to what I want - I don't want a relationship. I am one who should not be in a relationship because I'm not good at them. I haven't learned to not care about others, though.

R12, you did not ask for advice but I'd suggest you stay away from seafood entrees when eating at restaurants.

R13, thanks, but I already have one.

by Anonymousreply 1503/31/2013

It's really sad because if life were a movie you'd tell the guy you care about that you have to back away because you're in love with him.

And then he'd say: But I love you, too!

And then you'd have that kiss where the camera spins all the way around.

But life isn't a movie.

Life is why we have movies.

by Anonymousreply 1603/31/2013

I agree with "fade away." It's really very easy to end a relationship with someone you don't live with. You're just not available to that person anymore.

by Anonymousreply 1703/31/2013

[quote]I don't believe love is blind. Lust is blind, not love.

How old are you?

I really don't mean to be rude but this is the stupidest thing I've read on DL in a very long time.

by Anonymousreply 1803/31/2013

R14,*sigh* you're right. But before he appreciates the honesty, there will be hurt feelings and that's not what I want to cause. I'll need to work on coming up with something that will allow me to be honest with him. I like your advice.

R16, when you cast this film, can I ask that you get George Clooney for my part? I don't look anything like him but seeing Georgie kiss another guy - well, I'd pay to see this! And didn't Channing Tatum recently state that if he had to have sex with a guy he'd choose George Clooney? Can you get Channing Tatum to play the part of my friend? Have to come up with a good title, though. ;-)

by Anonymousreply 1903/31/2013

I'm lost how you can first say that you're not each other's types and then say that you're in love with him.

If you're in love with him then he's obviously you're type. If he initially had feelings for you then you were his type.

Second, you were fine carrying on a friendship when he had a thing for you but once he stopped and you developed a thing for him, you don't want it to continue. That would make me conclude you're selfish.

But in order to conclude that, I'd have to believe that any of this is true.

by Anonymousreply 2003/31/2013

LOL r6.

The exact line (if IIRC) is, "Ellen, all you have to do is say: I like you. I like spending time with you! But there is... a wall... between us. There is a wall."

by Anonymousreply 2103/31/2013

R17, fading away is not easy. This friendship has been around for years, not weeks. Fading away would bring up concerns on his part.

R18, I'm old enough. Love is Blind usually means that you don't see the faults in the person you love. I don't agree. If you love someone, you love them even though you know their faults. When you are in lust with another, then you don't see everything as it really is. You may not agree with this.

R20, I won't go as far as stating I'm in love with him. I do love him. When we first met, he was in a position where he needed help. He needed stability in his life and I provided part of that stability (not all of it, but part of it). I think he was grateful for what I provided him, but I also felt he wanted more, which I did not want to give him at that time. I did not want him to feel that I was providing something (stability) that he had to 'pay' for (his love).

*God, I've turned into an EST troll!!!*

by Anonymousreply 2203/31/2013

OP has too much time on his hands but not enough smarts to make good use of it.

by Anonymousreply 2303/31/2013

If you don't want to be in the friendship anymore just tell him. Talk it out and let it go. Don't make it harder than it has to be. Just deal with it. Life happens.

by Anonymousreply 2403/31/2013


Then I think you're begging the question... do you really love someone if you're willing to give up on the friendship just because you ultimately won't get what you want?

by Anonymousreply 2503/31/2013

10. Spout Free Republic garbage at him

9. Ask for his opinion; when he responds, tell him it's dumb

8. Drunk dial

7. Wipe your ass with his guest towel(s)

6. Develop a friendship with his mother

5. Always talk to him in a British accent

4. Sell him cocaine

3. Take him to a Landmark forum

2. Keep the focus of conversations on pinot noir

1. Steal his good whisk

by Anonymousreply 2603/31/2013

R23, at least I'm polite so I guess I need to offer thanks for an observation I don't agree with.

R24, the type of advice you're giving works for some, but it the type of advice I received growing up (JUST DEAL WITH IT) and I shut it out of my mind when hearing it - but thanks, anyway.

R26, Mr. Letterman, I wasn't aware you perused Datalounge! I've already done one of the things you mentioned.

R25, I think you've given me the thing I need to work though. I have not seen my situation in the way you have and I am very grateful you have proposed this question to me. Thank you very much.

by Anonymousreply 2703/31/2013

To dump him you have to eat him first.


by Anonymousreply 2803/31/2013

Start by growing up. You didn't want him until you realized he didn't want more. You do realize how juvenile this is? This shit happens all the time. Face what's in yourself and don't hurt someone else because of your "feelings", which are volatile.

by Anonymousreply 2903/31/2013

R28, unique way you have dealing with relationships.

R29, guess I pushed a button or two. Hope you feel better expressing yourself.

by Anonymousreply 3003/31/2013

Don't stop it until you tell him how you feel, and then suss out his reaction. If you're telling the truth, you may one day regret walking away from this relationship.

One of the only relationships I regret is one in which I purposely didn't tell someone I really liked -- didn't know about loved, but definitely liked -- how I felt, and then moved away.

by Anonymousreply 3103/31/2013

And, so is he gone?!

by Anonymousreply 3205/17/2013

[quote]But I love him and it hurts to be with him when I know that nothing can become of our relationship more than just a friendship.

This is what morphs into "If I can't have him, nobody can!" as the OP stalks, harasses and eventually murders his friend and his friend's new partner.

We'll be looking for you on Dateline.

by Anonymousreply 3305/17/2013

[quote]Don't answer his calls or emails. Avoid the area where they live so you don't run into them. In other words do the opposite of what you would do if you wanted to be their friend.

R8, you know this person is male -- you're even brave enough to say "his" in your first sentence. So why revert to the clumsy (& inaccurate) "they", "them", & "their" in the next two sentences? Listen to yourself! Choose the right pronoun & stick with it!

by Anonymousreply 3405/17/2013

But, I love him. What am I supposed to do?

by Anonymousreply 3505/17/2013

[quote]be totally upfront and mention how the two of you would be horrible in a relationship but you have feelings for him all the same, and you're probably going to back away for awhile til the feelings subside. He'll probably appreciate: 1. The compliment 2. The honesty 3. You not angling for something that would be bad for both of you. And then he won't mind not hearing from you for awhile. He'll understand.

ITA with R14. He gave the only good advice on this thread.

OP, ignore the jerks telling you to just let the friendship die by avoiding him. How callous and cowardly. You owe him the truth and an explanation that doesn't leave him wondering what he did wrong to lose your friendship.

by Anonymousreply 3605/17/2013

Move on. If you want to end it, then stop returning calls. As other's have said you need to stop making yourself available to him.

You do need to fill the vacuum that his friendship will leave or you will just go back to him.

Can you move out of the city you live in? What about moving out of the country?

by Anonymousreply 3705/17/2013

OMFG, OP! You are me. I love him so much, in a way I never have with anyone else. And he wants more with me. But I know 100% that we are not right for each other and that it would never work. If we could lay down and melt into each other into oblivion, I would go out happy. But, that's just fantastical thinking. I know reality is a cunt and it would end in unfathomable heartache and sadness. I'm just too old for that.

by Anonymousreply 3805/17/2013

R37, yes I can move to another city. In fact I have plans to do just that but won't be able to do this for a few years. My hope is that my feelings about this will be resolved before I move.

R35, who are you?

R33, I'm sorry but LOL!!!!! I'm going to hold out and hope that I can be one of Barbara Walter's last interviews before she retires instead of being on Dateline. I will reveal all as she asks me questions and will burst into remorseful tears before the interview ends.

R38, I understand what you feel. The positive thing I read in your response is how age has brought wisdom. You know what will happen and have decided it's not good for you. You and I could have much to talk about over a drink sometime.

R32, no he is not gone. I decided to follow R25's advice. I like the friendship I have and that is what I will keep with him. I'm not going to let other feelings overwhelm the friendship because that is what is most important to me.

by Anonymousreply 3905/27/2013

Great conclusion -- for now -- OP @ r39. We know that's not a complete resolution to your predicament, but it seems like a good working conclusion.

Meanwhile OP, because I am now so invested in this thread and have fallen in love with you yet can't have you, would you kindly consider clarifying something for this slow person?

But first I must present a true but poorly understood concept to you: people do not fall OUT of love easily. Or ever. Too many books, poems, and songs have been written, so I don't feel compelled to prove that point further. We may fall in love quickly. The reverse is not true. Not talking about the beer goggles "Eeeew.. what was I thinking?!" scenario. You already knew that.

The situation. Please correct me if I'm wrong: So, this dude was once fucked up, you helped him, he fell in love with you during that process, he's now unfuckedup (so we think...), and now that he has his shit together, you're in love with him, but you feel that Mr. Together couldn't love you? Even when he already does?

We never, never, ever fall out of love with each other easily. Doesn't happen. Once the attraction starts, it's hard to end. We can feel anger, bitterness, resentment, or boredom towards someone, and that can even be the bagboy at your Safeway, it just doesn't get undone. I'm old (50). Didn't get this phenomenon until a few days ago, plus reading this thread.

Why "type"? We are attracted to whomever and whenever we are attracted to. And it's constantly changing. OP, you seem way too intelligent and articulate to honestly have a "type". My guess is that while you may fancy yourself as a powerbottom and your "type" is truckers, you'd just as soon top a twink wearing guyliner and manscara if he winked at you.

Are you really sure that the object of your affection just isn't into you and never will be? Life is short. Very short. If you don't get that now, you'll get that later. I'm telling you now so that... oh, wait, that's another thread.

Why can't you just be honest with this guy? You can. Even if he doesn't feel exactly the same way, he's not going to dump you as a friend. You've got history.

Suck cock now and ask questions later. It is amazing how many needless questions get answered fast.

by Anonymousreply 4005/27/2013

I don't really understand how the fade away wold work. First they'd test you and be all normal. Then you'd give just brief responses and not engage. Then you'd just stop responding but then they'd be like HELLO??!!?? Where are you? Why aren't you responding... and you'd have to be like... um, I don't want to be friends anymore and like, how awkward is that?

by Anonymousreply 4105/27/2013

R41, I, too, don't know how a fade away would work. 'Awkward' is definitely the word and I don't want to experience it.

R40, well, thank God someone loves me! LOL! You seems to have the story right although he wasn't really fucked-up to begin with and he is not unfucked-up now (shouldn't the opposite of fucked-up be fucked-down?). He has problems but then so do I and, to be honest, I wouldn't want someone in my life that doesn't have some problems because how boring would that be? I do understand how love stays although it can change. The other men in my life who I loved but no longer relate to are still loved by me although it's a different type of love. As to 'types', well that part of the problem. I am at an age where type is not as important to me yet I think it is still important to him. I used to want someone who would tickle my fancy and was pretty definite what my fancy was. Today, not so much. My fancy is flexible, although I don't think that my fancy ever included twinks wearing manscara - but then I never tried twinks with manscara, so who knows? I don't know why I am not honest with him but right now I'm okay with him and his friendship. Thanks for your response.

by Anonymousreply 4205/27/2013
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