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Coming out of a 20 - year relationship. Sad, angry, confused. Approaching 50.

Still look good- in shape, successful. How long should I wait to begin dating again ?

by 47 year old EGreply 11004/30/2013

So sorry. IMHO,just let the next chapter happen on it's own.

You'll be fine OP.

by 47 year old EGreply 103/31/2013

20 years? You had a good run. Get over yourself and get back out there.

by 47 year old EGreply 203/31/2013

Fuck indiscriminately for a while just to get it out of your system. But wear a condom and be careful. As for dating: you'll know when you're ready. Don't bore/irritate your dates by talking about your last partner.

by 47 year old EGreply 303/31/2013

5:45 sounds right.

by 47 year old EGreply 403/31/2013

OP here- I find myself alternating between 2 flip-flopping emotions- anger,sadness,anger,sadness . Making me nuts. Is that normal ?

by 47 year old EGreply 503/31/2013

Please let the anger go, OP. I've seen way too many friends consumed by anger and it's really a waste of time. Go out, meet some guys for safe fun and move on. I hope you've got a good support system.

by 47 year old EGreply 603/31/2013

My condolences, OP. Now is a good time to pursue any hobbies which your ex didn't value - you'll be able to re-discover yourself and keep busy at the same time.

by 47 year old EGreply 703/31/2013

Try to lose the anger, it will lead you to some stupid behavior. The same goes for sadness, lean on your close friends--they should be there for you. Don't rehash and dissect the relationship endessly with them. Enjoy the fact that you can do what you want, when you want without having to compromise on everything.

by 47 year old EGreply 803/31/2013

OP you still have you. That's a that matters. Why focus on negative energy?

by 47 year old EGreply 903/31/2013

Depressing.

by 47 year old EGreply 1003/31/2013

OP, both anger and sadness are normal but try to get through the anger and not stay in it. It's very debilitating, can turn into bitterness, and will get in the way of you moving onto a new life.

by 47 year old EGreply 1103/31/2013

Are you a top?

by 47 year old EGreply 1203/31/2013

The fact that you're just coming out of a 20 year relationship and asking how long you should wait before you start dating again gives the impression you're needy and can't stand to be alone. Otherwise, you'd be happy with your own company until someone else comes along, whenever that may be.

by 47 year old EGreply 1303/31/2013

Wait about NO minutes....

by 47 year old EGreply 1403/31/2013

OP, you are so optimistic about finding dates.

I find it excruiatingly difficult to find even one date.

Good for you if you are able to find dates so easily.

by 47 year old EGreply 1503/31/2013

Idle time is the devil's playground. The more you think about it the harder it will be to move on.

by 47 year old EGreply 1603/31/2013

OP, go get laid just to bolster your own confidence in yourself - it doesn't have to be a date or a relationship - just a one-night stand with someone who finds you attractive should suffice.

Then you can go back to dating.

But definitely get over your anger and your neediness - both are HUGE turnoffs.

by 47 year old EGreply 1704/01/2013

Go out and date and don't expect anything serious to come out of it at first. Just have fun and, as people have said, there's nothing wrong with an occasional one-night stand. Once the baggage of the old relationship is well behind you, pursue dating with a more serious agenda.

by 47 year old EGreply 1804/01/2013

I'm 48 and haven't had a long term love yet.

Consider yourself lucky.

by 47 year old EGreply 1904/01/2013

R19 - Get thee to a therapist, STAT!

by 47 year old EGreply 2004/01/2013

What are you angry about? Sounds kind of childish. I guess you think you're perfect and your partner is to blame for everything? Way to accept responsibility, OP. I'm done here.

by 47 year old EGreply 2104/01/2013

As for how long should you wait? You'll be waiting a while, OP, whether you like it or not. Or should I say OAP?

by 47 year old EGreply 2204/01/2013

R21 sounds like a sociopath.

by 47 year old EGreply 2304/01/2013

R21 must be OP's partner.

by 47 year old EGreply 2404/01/2013

Wait at least a year, OP -- and maybe more. You'll need at LEAST that amount of time to get to the point where you aren't constantly comparing your new guy to your old one. And that would be horribly unfair to the new guy AND to you.

But by all means, go out and pick up some one-night-stands, until you get your self-esteem back to where it should be.

by 47 year old EGreply 2504/01/2013

Same here, r19. Ignore r20 and save your money for a good set of silicone butt toys (soft, non-toxic, can use cheap Crisco as the lube.) I insist on being penetrated at least once every 48 hrs, keeps my mussy nice and sated.

by 47 year old EGreply 2604/01/2013

Honestly, I was being a bit funny but there's nothing sociopathic about me. I guess because I've been in therapy quite a bit, individual, couples and group, I understand that the most important part of any relationship is how you say goodbye. Too many people just walk away from relationships when what they should do is stay in them and find resolution which is of great benefit to both parties. Even if the objective of the resolution period is to end the relationship, you owe it to each other to do the work. Otherwise you end up like OP - sad, angry and confused. And both of these parties will go onto to their next relationship bearing the wounds and unresolved issues that have been defining their behaviour since childhood. Intimate relationships are about working on and resolving issues, that's how they work, that's the exchange.

by 47 year old EGreply 2704/01/2013

When you first come out of a relationship, the odds are that in some respects you've been ready to be involved with someone else for a while. But the fact is that you have to reestablish who you are as an individual before you're able to interact with someone new without vestiges of the old relationship getting in the way.

You'll know when that is.

by 47 year old EGreply 2804/01/2013

Just DIE!

by 47 year old EGreply 2904/01/2013

What happened op? Maybe with more details we can understand where your mind is at.

by 47 year old EGreply 3004/01/2013

Let yourself go through every emotion - hurt, anger, etc. until you feel nothing. Usually takes 6-12 months. Wait another 3 months, them date.

by 47 year old EGreply 3104/01/2013

Is "date" a euphemism? Doesn't it just mean go out to dinner or a movie with someone you like? What's the problem? If it means exploring the possibilities of a long term relationship, that should probably be backburnered for the nonce.

by 47 year old EGreply 3204/01/2013

OP sounds like he got dumped for a younger model.

He must have been the bottom.

by 47 year old EGreply 3304/01/2013

Just give up.

Unless you have a huge dick or a huge bank account, nobody approaching 50 ever dates again.

by 47 year old EGreply 3404/01/2013

OP here. For r30 & r 27. First, I am in therapy, and though not recently, my partner & I have been in couples therapy. To address your point, I wanted to go to a couples therapist, and yes, try and work things out, OR , have a resolution to end it, with the result being a calm, & honest exit. I was not given that option. It was his choice to just stop . No 3rd party involved, but within a week of getting this news from him, he was dating someone he had just met. Thats where my anger, and sadness come from. I do realize there are control issues here - and have had to acknowledge, maybe I loved him more than he did me, since after that many years, it is a cruel thing to do to a person. The lack of empathy has shocked me.

by 47 year old EGreply 3504/01/2013

I'm sorry for what you're going through, I punch a pillow when I'm angry, lots of people say don't hold on to the anger but it's really hard to do.

Time heals all wounds...good luck and you will find someone who truly deserves you and appreciate you, all in good time. Wishing you health and happiness.

by 47 year old EGreply 3604/01/2013

Face it: He was dating the person he "just met" while you were together. Is the new guy in fact younger, OP?

And were you the bottom in the relationship?

by 47 year old EGreply 3704/01/2013

I'm sorry op. I'm sure it hurts not seeing him mourn the relationship.

I think you need to take some 'me' time. Forget about what he's doing, concentrate on yourself only. You'll get on your dating feet soon but you need sometime by yourself.

by 47 year old EGreply 3804/01/2013

OP, are you a top? This will help me properly advise you.

by 47 year old EGreply 3904/01/2013

OP...you have my sympathies. It is a very difficult situation when a relationship ends unexpectedly. If your ex is already involved with someone after only a week, the odds are he knew this person prior and checked out of your relationship long ago. Everything in our lives has become disposable in this day and age, and Im sure your anger is stemming from the feeling that you were too. The best advise is the same as given by multiple posters...take time to get to know yourself again and what YOU want...and when you feel ready...go get it.

by 47 year old EGreply 4004/01/2013

I'm thinking the anger and sadness is also directed at yourself.

Committed relationships require parity. I'm not speaking of financial matters or other differences. Never enter or stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't value you as much as you do them.

Stop hanging onto things that don't support you, that even drain you. At times we have to let go, even if it is frightening or painful.

You have learned some valuable things at the cost of pain. Take time to recover. In the meanwhile take care of yourself. Improve your health and appearance, try to see friends, continue with therapy. If opportunities for casual dates happen, enjoy them. You aren't ready for more than that just yet.

by 47 year old EGreply 4104/01/2013

Go get some hot diq and cheer yourself up. Works a treat.

by 47 year old EGreply 4204/01/2013

Sounds like you were grasping at straws and he moved on a long time ago.

I've always been the dumper, not the dumpee, so I can't empathize with your plight.

20 years seems like a long time, like your lives must be pretty tied together (finances, home, etc).

He was probably fucking around for a long time.

Get an AIDS test.

by 47 year old EGreply 4304/01/2013

I can understand "sad" and "angry," but why "confused," OP?

Do you have Alzheimer's?

by 47 year old EGreply 4404/01/2013

After 40 years, though supposedly there wasn't someone else, my father separated from my mother and suddenly there was another woman he was dating. Sounds similar here. I think that would clear up "confusion." No confusion: he moved on years ago.

I understand sad and angry because you had no proper resolution. Couples' counseling works if both people are committed to it; my partner and I did it 20 years ago and we're still together. But if it's a one way street it's futile.

But my mother died sad and angry years after the divorce. Eventually people stopped caring because she didn't really want to move on or let others help her move on.

So try however you can to get over sad and angry.

by 47 year old EGreply 4504/01/2013

Interesting how all the jilted housewife bottoms of DL are united in their sympathy.

The tops.... not so much.

by 47 year old EGreply 4604/01/2013

can someone give suggestions as to how to get over being "angry"...i was royally fucked over by someone whom I trusted, yes a family member. I can't get over it still. I have cut off contact with this individual but I am still a little angry and hate her. It's been 10 years. I try not to think of her but when I do, feelings of hate surface. How can I get rid of that?

I want to move on but I won't ever forget what she's done to me ever.

by 47 year old EGreply 4704/01/2013

I'm going to go with start dating (meaning looking for another relationship vs. just having fun with hot guys) after you've completed the classic stages of grief.

The end of a very long-term relationship is like having someone die - you need to go through the stages at whatever time table it takes.

by 47 year old EGreply 4804/01/2013

You certainly have my sympathy, OP. A similar situation happened to me about a year ago. After 25 years was dumped for a much younger model. It happened a week before I turned 50.

Allow yourself to go through all of the emotions, and like someone else said -- until you feel nothing. I was in a deep, profound depression for the first six months, made MUCH worse with alcohol and isolation. Will spare you the ugly details.

Time really does heal such wounds. It won't feel like it's possible right now. Took me about a year to regain a sense of self. Property, friends, even family had to all be sorted out while dealing with the shock and pain.

Recently been doing some online dating and (mostly) having a blast. Living in a big city in a Blue state helps. That first kiss melted away at least half of my negative emotions within minutes, to be honest.

I wish you well. Would love to send you my phone number and a naked self-pic but am sending you cyberhugs instead.

Hey, DL guys, there's fresh meat in here and he's only 47!

by 47 year old EGreply 4904/01/2013

R47, find some professional help. Ask friends for someone who helped them.

At this point the anger is just hurting you so you need some help. (Ironically the people who do these things to other people to make them angry never seem to suffer.)

by 47 year old EGreply 5004/01/2013

[quote]No 3rd party involved, but within a week of getting this news from him, he was dating someone he had just met.

He was waiting in the wings, and probably already fucking way before he broke things off. They always are.

by 47 year old EGreply 5104/01/2013

Having been an out gay man for probably 30 years, it's threads like this that remind me why I maintain that gay men are so fucked up - not the OP, but some of the condescending posts (from department store queens, probably).

I've had two really serious loves in my life - both of whom I met when I was out about town just enjoying a drink and having a great time watching other people have a great time.

During periods of my life when I felt sorry for myself and went out looking for a boyfriend, I ALWAYS failed. You come off as needy, and that's really unattractive.

On the other hand, if you just focus on here and now and having a good time, if they sex is good, the guy is likely to want to see you again, setting the stage for something deeper.

Good luck - I've been where you are, OP, and it SUCKS. But you will move on, sooner rather than later.

by 47 year old EGreply 5204/01/2013

I have some home truths for you, Nancy.

Nothing lasts forever.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get busy. Take classes, volunteer, travel, do some good in the world.

Remember: It's not what happens to you, it's how you deal with it.

Twenty years is 20 more than most get. If you never date again, so what? We can't have everything in this life. And remember that at least you still have a life to live—you didn't get cut down by the plague in your 20s.

by 47 year old EGreply 5304/01/2013

OP - the anger, sadness, etc that you feel is Grief. Grief for the lost relationship, the stability, the routine, the shared life, possibly your living situation - Grief at losing a substantial part of what your life was and was about.

Grief has various stages but they don't follow any particular order. They cycle back and forth, appearing, disappearing, sometimes a particular part of grief - anger, let's say - might be triggered by something. A bill in the mail. Or sadness might be triggered by seeing a happy couple together.

Let yourself grieve by continuing to feel the feelings and not judging them. Think of it like puss coming out of a wound. It's actually healing happening, even though it looks and feels awful.

Grief is your body, mind and spirit's way of cleansing so you can have the space for a new relationship.

Dating while Grieving is not recommended. Would you want to date someone while Grieving?

That doesn't mean you have to be a monk - just know when it's just sex or when it's "make me feel good" sex, etc. You probably don't have a whole lot to give to someone right now. They'd probably just end up hearing about your grief and blah, blah, blah.

Last point: My guess is that your partner has a hard time feeling emotions, being vulnerable, communicating, etc. That's the classic "cut and run" type. It's too much for him. Which is a sad way to be.

by 47 year old EGreply 5404/01/2013

R53 you are mostly correct, but sans any humanity.

A friend was in bad straits, and when talking about it to a friend, got much the same response.

My take on it, be grateful for the most part. But does one need to be in a ditch, dying of starvation before one can air woes?

Things always seem worse when they happen personally, because they are.

Don't worry OP, you will be fine. Feel sad, then better.

by 47 year old EGreply 5504/01/2013

I will add a few more:

Very few of us are fortunate enough to expire at the exact same moment as our lifelong partner at the age of 100. At some point, everyone has to pick up and move on.

As weird as it sounds, it's not about YOU, it's about him. So get on with it.

Harbored anger causes illness, and depression is a waste of time.

Trust me on this one.

by 47 year old EGreply 5604/01/2013

"Get over yourself and get back out there."

Because... why? Because you're nothing without a partner?

by 47 year old EGreply 5704/01/2013

R19 I feel like I wrote that. Don't feel like you're alone. I'm 48 and in the exact same boat.

by 47 year old EGreply 5804/01/2013

I'm a bit older than you, OP, but, like you, still look good & am in very good shape. My story is that I'm hopelessly in love with a much younger opposite sex married man. He's the first guy I've felt so strongly about in over 20 years & he told another guy that we're in a bromance - and has referred to our great chemistry - when we recently briefly worked together. We've never even discussed my sexuality (such that it is), but I cannot imagine that he's in the dark. Today, on the phone, he thought he had interrupted me & asked me to continue where I was going. He really hadn't interrupted me, but I plaintively asked him what he wanted me to say. He didn't bite.

Since I haven't had any desire to meet anyone for the longest time, I ventured out last week to a gay bar for the first time in years, somehow thinking that I must be prime to meet someone. But even though a young guy offered a couple of times to buy me a drink, I declined because I couldn't imagine getting involved with someone knowing the feelings I have for my young friend. Feelings I intellectually know will never be reciprocated. No anger on my part, but the tears have been flowing regularly.

by 47 year old EGreply 5904/01/2013

OMG. Just say if you're a top or not!

by 47 year old EGreply 6004/01/2013

OP here - never thought I'd admit it , but DL actually has some constructive use . I feel better reading these comments - or most of them. and for all you who were sure the BF was with someone younger - you're wrong .The guy is exactly the same age as us - 47.And same ht. - as me, 6'. And to answer the other question many have - I'm a purebred top - never bottomed. Thanks to the incisive replies - keep em coming.

by 47 year old EGreply 6104/01/2013

No, R62, I'm a man, albeit one whose affiliation with the gay life has been pretty meager due wholly to my mimimal interest in other men.

by 47 year old EGreply 6304/01/2013

So why did you say the dude was opposite sex r59? You can see the confusion.

by 47 year old EGreply 6404/01/2013

I was trying to distinguish his marriage from a same sex marriage. I guess I could've just said he was straight, but, although that's most likely, I'm not fully convinced.

by 47 year old EGreply 6504/01/2013

You're a 47 year old top who actually knows how to love another human and not use them?

OP, you are going to be just fine. Hell, I'm 33 and hot and I'd date you.

by 47 year old EGreply 6604/01/2013

R47, you're still angry because you haven't learned anything, especially about yourself. You have to accept that you took a risk, you trusted somebody - when maybe you should've been smarter and protected yourself, and rather than learn anything insightful about yourself you're wallowing in the pain and playing the victim, hoping that some day you will claim some retribution. It's probably not going to happen. You have to accept that you put yourself in that position and that was one of several possible outcomes. And learn from it. Learn how to protect yourself. And stop letting other people's behaviour define who you are.

by 47 year old EGreply 6704/02/2013

I'm 48, just started dating someone 48, recently ended a 15 year relationship. And it is definitely too soon for him. Nothing is a big a dick wilter as hearing about all the wrongs and betrayals. Our meetings have gone from romantic and hopeful to itinerant casual coffees.

Don't be that person, OP.

by 47 year old EGreply 6804/02/2013

OP hasn't demonstrated that he knows how to love another person and not use them. He's only confirmed the general circumstances of the demise of his relationship. That's not to say that he or anyone else deserves to treated with such cruelty. But it was no doubt many years in the making. It's important to remember that men especially do experience crisis in their 40s usually to do with issues of mortality. This can cause them to behave in ways more selfish, brash and compulsive than usual. But what's done is done.

What concerns me here, OP, is your threshold for such cruelty. I seriously doubt that over the last 20 years of this relationship, this final moment was the only act of cruelty your former partner committed. You mention how shocked you are by his lack of empathy - and you're right to expect it - but I also suspect you've been looking for it in the wrong places. For the last 20 years. Probably for the whole of your life.

My advice is: stay in therapy. You've got plenty of work to do. You don't need another relationship right now. (It's like you're just setting yourself up to be somebody else's punching bag.) Do the work. Dig deep. Be honest with yourself. Connect with your feelings and express them fully, in therapy. Go to some uncomfortable places. Stay in it. And learn how to take care of yourself. The affection you're seeking from others right now is something you should be doing for yourself. Good luck.

by 47 year old EGreply 6904/02/2013

Yesterday.

by 47 year old EGreply 7004/02/2013

[quote]OP hasn't demonstrated that he knows how to love another person and not use them.

Please explain how OP "used" his ex.

by 47 year old EGreply 7104/02/2013

I'm not saying he did or he didn't but we certainly do not know enough about a 20 year relationship to say either way. That's not putting blame on OP for the outcome or implying that he deserved to be treated that way - as stated above, nobody deserves to be treated with such cruelty and on the basis of his 20 year investment he certainly deserved some resolution. But it's a big assumption to say he's demonstrated that he knows how to love somebody and not use them. He could have little capacity to actually love somebody else and be quite competent at ensnaring other people in a dynamic that allows him to keep playing out trauma from his childhood, based on the parenting he received growing up. Who knows? But one has to be analytical if one truly wants to affect change in their life. It's not enough to say, "I was treated badly therefore I'm perfect." Just as it's not enough to have a few casual sexual experiences and expect that to heal your emotional wounds. That's just turning a page in the same chapter.

Out of dissatisfaction with one's life comes great change - if one is prepared to do the work. Otherwise you're just doomed to enact the same failures over and over. I hope for OP that it's the start of creating a life of his own design, which is an exciting point to finally arrive at but I am concerned about this impulse to attach himself to somebody again so quickly. It seems kind of rudderless, like he just wants to play his familiar role again, just needs to find a replacement and everything will be okay. I say, at your age, embrace the fear and/or let go of it altogether and get on with creating a life of your own design independent of any romantic attachments. (If you build it, they will cum.)

Like somebody said up thread, nothing lasts forever. Everybody has to reinvent themselves, several times throughout a lifetime. Embrace it. Learn how to love yourself - then your intimate relationships start to work on a more satisfying level because you've learned how to provide the basics for yourself. Until you can actually experience love and respect for yourself, how can you give it to others or even recognise it? Otherwise you're just stuck in a downward spiral of "we get along, we don't get along," settling for less, avoiding connection, deceit, withholding, etc., etc.

by 47 year old EGreply 7204/02/2013

All this talk of 'tops' and 'bottoms' definitely reinforces the e*dergay vibe here.

by 47 year old EGreply 7304/02/2013

OP Here - thought I'd also throw in that he's half Italian , half French. Not American, though he came here , and stayed at age 18. At this point I can't say our problems have to do with a cultural difference. However , he was abused by his father, as a child, and he's always been extremely defensive, which I've always attributed to a protective measure - he's been hurt, and won't let anyone do that to him again. Rarely shows vulnerability.

by 47 year old EGreply 7404/02/2013

Don't fret OP. My bestie is a 53 year old straight woman out of a long marriage for two years. She is now dating a millionaire (you know who he is) her age and they travel by private jet. Her latest complaint? His Ferrari leaked fluid onto her driveway. Not every older successful person wants a young twink. They want people they can relate to and not feel old around. Gays and Hollywood will soon catch up with the rest of us. Don't buy the ageist hype.

by 47 year old EGreply 7504/02/2013

My other half is an alcoholic. I am 60. I wish I could dump the relationship. I am jealous of your freedom.

by 47 year old EGreply 7604/02/2013

It is so hard here discerning the truthful posters from the STALKERS who try to establish patterns with or without trolldar.

by 47 year old EGreply 7704/02/2013

R19- same boat

by 47 year old EGreply 7804/02/2013

OP and others in this thread who have been dumped: What do/did you find to be the best way for your friends to support you through this process? My best friend recently stopped wearing his ring after being completely blindsided at the revelation that his 12-year relationship might soon be over. (He's still very much in love and wants to try to save the relationship, but I doubt his commitment is being reciprocated. No, no third party is involved.)

I've told him that I'll support him as a friend in whatever way he needs, and I am genuinely worried about the emotional toll this is taking on him. At the same time, though, I don't want to be that person who earnestly asks him how he is each time we're together if all he wants is a distraction from everything.

by 47 year old EGreply 7904/02/2013

R77, take your meds.

And all you bitching bottoms would be able to keep your mates around easier if you weren't such sluts. When will you figure men out already?

by 47 year old EGreply 8004/02/2013

Hey OP -

fifty-one years old here - been with my partner for just on twenty five years...

We're not monogamous and both play around a little on the side & have regular fuckbuds - it works for us (tho' I know it doesn't work for everyone - and no doubt some DL naysayers will come along spout venom about open relationships!).

I did wanna say tho, that I never take it for granted. I feel very fortunate to have found someone sympatico - and it profoundly upsets me to think it might end somday - and yet it might. People change over time. And I think if they want to be somewhere else - nothing you can do will make it right - so best just to deal with it and move on.

Over the last few years I've seen a whole bunch of friends' relationships - both gay and straight - all supposedly stable and long-term - disintegrate. Mostly not at all amicably, and often with a bitterness and nastiness that has truly shocked me. I guess what gets to me the most is that these people all thought - as I do - and as you no doubt did! - that they really knew someone - and then it turned out that they didn't really know them at all. It can't help but shake the foundations of everything you believe in.

Also - in every single case of a long-term relationship split, where there was supposedly no one else involved - there ALWAYS was.

Every time.

In my experience, no one bolts unless they have somewhere/someone to bolt to. There's always a catalyst. I'd like to say that an exception was in the case of the one very abusive relationship I knew of - but even then - the wife only really left her husband because she was pretty confient that someone she had her eye on was interested should she be a free agent. And they were (only they turned out not to be so free themselves! - and pretty soon after that she met and fell for a guy who was a complete psychopath and made her former husband look like a lamb... Go figure!)

Anyway - I have had some very valuable long-term friendships go awry over the years. In each case it was very painful and I know it's hard to just wake up one morning and not be angry - or sad. Dunno how people expect you to just promptly and efficiently process your emotions - it really does take time. But eventually - after some months - I've found that you think about it less and less as the present begins to take up more space in your head.

I found long walks help a lot too.

And like you - I'm a total top - love to fuck! - and told i'm quite good at it (certainly a lot of guys come back again and again - have had one fuckbud for over fifteen years and another one for over ten) - and if you're a top - you should have no difficulty finding playmates to distract you and while away the hours. Get on manhunt or wherever - soooo many fantastic, hot, hungry bottoms out there - and at fifty-one - I've never been hit on by so many twenty- and thirty- somethings in my life! There's really something to be said about the daddy-thang (and I'll bet you're in much better shape than me too!)

Wish you well buddy - in the meantime, don;t be too hard on yourself for feeling the way you do - just try and give it some time...

...and whatever you do, no matter how depressed and sad you are: if you're with some gorgeous, hot. god-like young thing and they offer you a hot of crystal meth - DON'T DO IT!! Am appalled at how many guys in thier forties and early fifties who've survived and even prospered in life get sucked in by that shit when they should know better but are all mid-life crisis-ey and vulnerable. Have seem so many good men ruined. Please, please, please don't go down that road! So addictive so quickly. And seemingly available all over the place - urgh! End of lecture :)

by 47 year old EGreply 8104/02/2013

r81, that last paragraph was worth its weight in gold. Thank you for posting.

by 47 year old EGreply 8204/02/2013

No one could stand being in a room with r72, let alone have a relationship with him/her.

by 47 year old EGreply 8304/02/2013

Hey, I like r72. I just came out of a LTR with a fucked up breakup too. His post made me feel better.

by 47 year old EGreply 8404/02/2013

OP, JOY, is the only thing that will draw people to you.

Find yours. Love it . Live it. you have every right to it.

by 47 year old EGreply 8504/02/2013

Rules For Rebounds:

1. On dates never say, "Let's keep it lite." You're aborting the possibility of any relationship -aside from fuckbuddies- from the start. Those of us who attract rebound guys know you're 'keeping it lite'.

2. Don't discuss your ex with dates. The dates who are interested in your baggage need for you to have lots of cocaine. Therapy is never free.

3. Make sure you pull your weight with dates. If I have to come up with all the ideas for activities and drag your ass along, I'm going to quickly start a routine of ordering take-away, fucking you silly, and then ditching you so I can go home to watch Doctor Who.

4. You're the perfect age for this one. [bold]Toss out all your self-help books.[/bold] Dates scan your book collection. One "Dancing In The Light" too many and you'll attract freaks and turn off those who have moved on from the self-help phase.

5. Don't volunteer just to volunteer. Most organizations have enough rejected control freaks as it is. Find something you care about and go to work. You won't have to re-create the wheel; just do what you're told.

6. Don't save people. You're not a bank.

by 47 year old EGreply 8604/03/2013

That's all great and all r86, but what about for people who aren't even wanting to date yet? I got dumped a year ago. I am not wanting to date, just want to not feel like crying and punching a fucking hole in the wall everyday. I will handle it when dating time comes, if it comes, but I want to know how I can stop waking up in the middle of the night just fucking seething. Wishing for his misery and death don't always cut it.

by 47 year old EGreply 8704/03/2013

Distract yourself with something else so you don`t think about him and all the anger. Music, swimming, watching old movies, anything. Immerse yourself in something else

by 47 year old EGreply 8804/03/2013

R87, I'm pretty sure you are meant to become a PE instructor.

by 47 year old EGreply 8904/03/2013

R87, you've got to let it go. The behavior you describe is only affecting you and ultimately we're all responsible for our happiness. Growing up a lot of bad stuff happened in our house (nothing special there I know) and my mom always taught us that bad stuff was inevitable. Grace is all about how you handle those moments. The stronger you are the less power that bad stuff has ... thankful I listened. That little lesson has gotten me through a break-up or two.

Good luck.

by 47 year old EGreply 9004/03/2013

date me - I love men in their late 40's no 20 year old games and damn if they are not great in bed. None of this lol verbal oh yeah crazy time fuck fest.

by 47 year old EGreply 9104/03/2013

Thank you for the advice, guys. I will be trying these things, except the PE teacher thing, though maybe someday?

by 47 year old EGreply 9204/03/2013

So sad these ancient queens are trying to cling to their youth ("I look younger", "I'm in shape").

Nothing sadder than being the 50-something year old queen in a baseball hat on Grindr.

by 47 year old EGreply 9304/03/2013

Um, yes there is - being a drug addict, a violent person, being depressed, or being obese to the point of illness and diabetes - these are all much, MUCH sadder than being a horny older gay man.

by 47 year old EGreply 9404/03/2013

r72, I re-read your post sober, and now understand, appreciate, and agree with most of what you said; however, to assume that the OP "used" his ex is accusatory and incendiary.

Your clarification and expansion on interpersonal dynamics in relationships is most appreciated. Your original statement clearly struck a sore spot in me.

[quote]He could have little capacity to actually love somebody else and be quite competent at ensnaring other people in a dynamic that allows him to keep playing out trauma from his childhood, based on the parenting he received growing up.

There may be truth to some of that statement, but that dynamic usually is in play with BOTH parties. But statements like "little capacity to love somebody else" and "ensnaring" seem bitchy, cunty, and arrogant to me. Sometimes you show little capacity to display empathy.

I realize that you are trying to challenge "victim-mode" thinking, but you come off as having a fetish for and a knee-jerk response of being judgmental to those in pain.

That said, you and I will probably end up as a couple. Just think of how our hot mess will benefit the psychotherapy industry. And the sex would be awesome!

by 47 year old EGreply 9504/03/2013

I have been with some 50 year olds that have better bodies than any 20 year old..working out is not exclusive to the young. I'm 26 and date older men exclusively. They are not broke (no I am not a GD I am an patent attorney), are amazing in bed and probably the most loving of gay men.

by 47 year old EGreply 9604/04/2013

R96, this is false. I read here on DL that everyone over 25 is just dust. Yes, including Ben Affleck and Joe Manganiello. They are old and uglyl and sad. Please stop lying. Thank you.

by 47 year old EGreply 9704/04/2013

Bump for us single losers on Friday night.

by 47 year old EGreply 9804/06/2013

my apologies if this has already been said up-thread...

if your self worth is based on whether or not you're in a 'relationship' (actually, we're all in relationships of some sort, most of them taken for granted), then it's time to examine why that is, because it will always distract from what's really important: the relationship you have with your own self .

by 47 year old EGreply 9904/06/2013

OP here - just had dinner with my ex . All went well . In getting to the nitty- gritty of why he ended our relationship, should not come as any surprise , that the phrases that came up most, in dissecting the cause, was just mentioned - 'taken for granted', ' loss of interest in doing things with each other', ' his self esteem was extremely low', and plain old 'stress'. And the feeling of being lonely, even though partnered - we both felt that way.

Not commenting on it - just reporting an update, and seeing if this sounds familiar to anyone else ?

by 47 year old EGreply 10004/07/2013

You mean you guys just had a fight? You're not really broken up? I'm confused. I just read through all these heartbreaking stories for it to end this way? You're probably blowing him right now, aren't you OP?

by 47 year old EGreply 10104/07/2013

[quote]. And the feeling of being lonely, even though partnered - we both felt that way.

Sounds like the break up was inevitable. If you hadn't wanted to avoid the turmoil of change, you might have instigated it. Let go of it, no more analysis needed. Do as so many have suggested, let your feelings fade gradually and take care of yourself. You will meet someone and the newness will invigorate you.

by 47 year old EGreply 10204/07/2013

OP here again. Thank you RE 102. I do believe you're exactly right. For RE 101, no , it was not just a fight. We are ending our relationship, as it was , but will remain friends - hence the dinner , to help clear the air a bit more, on calm, reasonable terms. And yes, I would have blown him ( sex was never our problem, and was always hot ), but I didn't - not the right time, or circumstance, for that matter.

by 47 year old EGreply 10304/07/2013

I thought you were a total top, OP. Total tops don't give blow jobs. This has been a DL edict that must be obeyed by all posters.

by 47 year old EGreply 10404/07/2013

RE 104 - Blow me

by 47 year old EGreply 10504/07/2013

I'm a total top and I'm happy to blow my little man if he's enjoying it. Will also eat his ass forever. I'm a top because I love to fuck and do not care to ever get fucked. Total = my partner is happy that way. It's not some weird depersonalized sex-robot category.

Anyway on topic, OP hope that's bullshit about staying "friends." Cordial is impt if you'll see each other but friends does not work.

by 47 year old EGreply 10604/12/2013

Well # 106, you,and I, are alike, in the respect that we both like f-----g, and don't care to be reciprocated, re that . But I disagree with ex's not being able to remain friends. I know lots of couples, including some who are like family to each other, who are able to get past the initial break up period, and anger, and/ or hurt, and realize that if that person is one of quality, they remain in their life, and transition into friendship. Does not work for everyone, but it is possible.

by 47 year old EGreply 10704/13/2013

OP here - checking in after almost a month. Things are much better now. I have not begun dating yet , and instead have worked on myself, and tried not to focus on the (now) ex. Though I did not gloat, I will tell you all now , I feel I've received a bit of poetic justice. The person the ex started dating , just as we split up, gave Mr. ex ....... gonorrhea. I was not happy to hear this , but some part of me felt , OK, well that's what happens. Interesting how things work out.

by 47 year old EGreply 10804/30/2013

Glad to hear you are moving forward, OP.

You are entitled to a bit of "gotcha". Think how lucky you are that your ex partner didn't pass that on to you while you were still together.

The Universe works in mysterious ways.

by 47 year old EGreply 10904/30/2013

Amen !

by 47 year old EGreply 11004/30/2013
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