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Things you learned from tv crime shows

Most people who work at the D.A.'s office are 25-year-old models

Most cops act like standup comedians and have a neverending grab bag of quips and wisecracks.

by Anonymousreply 8204/19/2013

Manhattan averages about 1 rape and 1 murder per day.

by Anonymousreply 103/27/2013

[quote]Most people who work at the D.A.'s office are 25-year-old models

Ha! So true! The only ones allowed to look old are the men!!!

by Anonymousreply 203/27/2013

Police buidings are lavishly furnished and lit with expensive orange lighting.

Colleagues share basic info with each other by going into long formal explanations so that if an elementary school class has dropped by on a field trip they will understand everything that is going on.

Criminals are disproportionately white.

by Anonymousreply 303/27/2013

Rich people are always fucked up and their children are likely to kill somebody in a drug deal gone bad.

by Anonymousreply 403/27/2013

Even where there is no credible evidence against them, criminals will never ask for a lawyer and always give lengthy and sometimes tearful confessions after the detective asks.

Interrogating Detective- Did you do it? Suspect - No. I.D. - We think you did it. And the evidence may or may not suggest it. Pause Suspect - Okay I did it. Here's why and how.

by Anonymousreply 503/27/2013

"Manhattan averages about 1 rape and 1 murder per day."

And so does Cabot Cove, Maine

by Anonymousreply 603/27/2013

[quote]Most cops act like standup comedians and have a neverending grab bag of quips and wisecracks.

Not since Lennie Briscoe died. Some try. All fail.

by Anonymousreply 703/27/2013

The turnaround time for DNA results is about 1 hour.

by Anonymousreply 803/27/2013

DNA results are key for figuring out current cases, but Cold Cases can be figured out by reinterviewing all the witnesses.

by Anonymousreply 903/27/2013

That happens to be true R4.

by Anonymousreply 1003/27/2013

Clorox doesn't take ALL stains out.

by Anonymousreply 1103/27/2013

Cops are all too stupid to turn on the lights at crime scenes.

by Anonymousreply 1203/27/2013

Detectives drink 34 cups of coffee every day.

by Anonymousreply 1303/27/2013

People who work in the same department fuck each other all the time and everybody's okay with it.

by Anonymousreply 1403/27/2013

R9 must watch Cold Case!

by Anonymousreply 1503/27/2013

R15 I must be R9. Cold Case is one of the only shows I've *ever* been able to watch more than once. I've seen some eps four times.

They could have gone on forever AFAIC.

by Anonymousreply 1603/27/2013

The detective who always flouts the standards and upsets the old guys at HQ is the only one who really knows what's going on. Usually he has to "hand in your badge and your gun" twice before he brilliantly solves the crime on his own time.

And a beautiful, oft-underestimated female sidekick is the only one who really understands him and his eccentric methods.

by Anonymousreply 1703/28/2013

When being interviewed about a murder by detectives, witnesses and relatives and suspects never simply sit down to answer questions, but instead do that while engaged in complicated physical tasks, and the detectives have to walk alongside them for the answers.

by Anonymousreply 1803/28/2013

That a gun barrel puts as many striations on a freshly fired bullet as a lifetime of facials have put on my pitted mug.

by Anonymousreply 1903/28/2013

You know it's the bad side of town when you hear train brakes and see toughs wearing bandanas on their heads with muscle tees and baggy chinos.

All poor people have jobs and simple, but tastefully decorated sanctuaries hidden inside darkly lit public housing projects.

Whores and thieves are always 40+ and white with good teeth.

by Anonymousreply 2003/28/2013

Judges are usually black and female. They always look exhausted and wise. They will allow any sort of illegal tactic as long as they say, "I'll allow it, but you are SO CLOSE, counsel!"

by Anonymousreply 2103/28/2013

The police budget allows for thousands of dollars of expensive DNA tests, ballistic reconstructions, etc., especially when the victim is homeless or a petty criminal.

Because we all know the very rich and the very poor always get the same kind of justice.

by Anonymousreply 2303/28/2013

They have magic computer programs that with a few keystrokes can turn a low grade pixelated photo into a crystal clear one that can identify faces and license plates.

by Anonymousreply 2403/28/2013

Luminol brings out blood not seen by the naked eye.

by Anonymousreply 2503/28/2013

Push-up bras are standard issue for female personnel.

by Anonymousreply 2603/28/2013

Hawaii has an extremely high crime rate, including, but not limited to murder, drugs, extortion and espionage, most of which have very complex schemes to them.

by Anonymousreply 2703/28/2013

In a crime scene investigation, why turn on lights when a handy pocket pen-light can be used?

Even provincial forensic labs are armed with top-notch equipment and scientists whose findings are always available in just about the amount of time it takes to get from the crime scene back to the precinct offices.

Precinct offices are dim and back-washed in an eternal blue-green light.

by Anonymousreply 2803/28/2013

Pathologists and coroners are kooky! Some have tattoos! and piercings!

by Anonymousreply 2903/28/2013

Crime Scene Investigators are supporting players who don't actually solve the crimes. Unless the show has "CSI" in the title.

by Anonymousreply 3003/28/2013

Rural sheriffs are always uneducated hicks and are in cahoots with the county's biggest criminal.

by Anonymousreply 3103/28/2013

The culprit will always be on of these:

1. The good kid

2. The distant relative of the main character who has never appeared on the show before.

3. The peripheral character that you see in the first ten minutes of the show and then disappears until someone has a "got-it" moment five minutes before the show is over.

4. The star actor who would never appear on the show if he/she did not have a big dramatic moment

5. Someone they writers just pulled out of their ass at the last minute because the show is not about the crime, but about the "very special" theme/issue they are exploring that episode.

5a. SVU will do a 180 at exactly 29 minutes into the program to introduce the "very special" issue of the day. The crime will then take a back seat to exploring the issue until five minutes before the program ends.

by Anonymousreply 3203/28/2013

R32, you must be talking about last night's episode, "Legitimate Rape," which was both "Very Special" *and* "Ripped from the Headlines."

by Anonymousreply 3303/28/2013

"SVU will do a 180 at exactly 29 minutes into the program to introduce the "very special" issue of the day."

I love it when they have, like, 5 different issues crammed into one episode.

by Anonymousreply 3403/28/2013

[quote]Pathologists and coroners are kooky! Some have tattoos! and piercings!

They also have no qualms about eating lunch next to a freshly autopsied body which appalls rookie cops.

by Anonymousreply 3503/28/2013

That there aren't many black detectives, police officers, lawyers, judges, jury members.

But there are many black criminals

by Anonymousreply 3603/28/2013

if one of the suspects is played by a "hey I've seen that guy somewhere" actor , he's the murderer.

Serial killers inevitably develop an obession with the main characters

by Anonymousreply 3703/28/2013

You don't go to Hudson University. They have to have the best recruitment program in the country.

by Anonymousreply 3803/28/2013

All Judges are stern African-American women.

by Anonymousreply 3903/28/2013

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. Amazingly, both constituencies can be accommodated in 60 minutes with a considerable chunk of time given over to commercials. Although some minor delays arise, the wheels of justice hum along like Swiss watchworks--cases do not get hopelessly sidetracked with crowded dockets, or endless motions. All cases are compelling--there are no boring crimes or criminals. Also, as in dialing a phone, one often uses a pencil to retrieve a discarded gun, wallet etc. to avoid fingerprints.

by Anonymousreply 4003/28/2013

When police are questioning simply tell them that you are busy now and it's not a good time. Then end with a "can I get back to work now?" That usually works in real life too.

by Anonymousreply 4103/28/2013

The soundtrack to law enforcement and legal professionals' professional days consists of periodic chung CHUNGs, generally signaling a pause in the action or impending change of scene.

by Anonymousreply 4203/28/2013

Morgues in Miami and Las Vegas look like empty discos (lots of space, bright colorful lighting). Lab workers in Miami also wear red Manolo Bhahniks to the office and in the field.

It is easy to find street parking in Manhattan.

by Anonymousreply 4303/28/2013

The police an enter a doorman building without being announced by the doorman, and the tenant always lets them in. Or worse, they are allowed in to an exclusive private club to interview a suspect. Trust me, neither of these situations would ever occur in real life. The gate keepers for the rich are not impressed by a badge.

by Anonymousreply 4403/28/2013

The same adorable or heroic person with the unconventional point of view is always right about every single murder/mystery case under his/her watch. And a hunch or a silly coincidental event triggers the epiphany that solves the case. The rest of the police and legal staff surrounding him/her are mediocre workers with mediocre contributions who are fumbling for clues or chasing highly evident but always wrong leads.

However, nobody is perfect, so that sexy genius usually has some adorably humorous yet dismissible flaw - like a penchant for sweets, an old but cool car, an intimacy issue, a poor sense of fashion, many ex-spouses, or a clinical condition that allows hilarity to ensue (germophobia, OCD). At times, they may have more serious issues (crumbling relationships, addiction, cancer) that manage to stay at home and never interfere with their work.

by Anonymousreply 4503/28/2013

Every case has three suspects:

An ultra-cocky, entitled, easy-to-dislike individual

A non-white youth with poor language skills, a smart mouth, and street attitude

An over-the-top psychotic sociopath

All of them help the case and at times may even be the somehow manipulated or compensated killer, but none are the actual masterminding culprit, who is inevitably someone from a privileged background, going about undetected by the radar of convention, until caught by the person in the previous post.

by Anonymousreply 4603/28/2013

[quote]You don't go to Hudson University. They have to have the best recruitment program in the country.

Hudson U. is also full of students who run lucrative drug rings, brothels, and cheating schemes.

If you're a poor but earnest, honest, and brilliant scholarship student, don't tell those other students you've found out about their extracurricular activities. They'll murder you and try to make it look like suicide.

On the upside, your poor but earnest, honest and hardworking parents who don't speak English very well will convince the detectives that you never would have offed yourself.

In the last five minutes, the detectives will arrest the CEO's kid and his friends.

On an even brighter note, dead student, the kids who were smart enough to create illegal moneymaking rackets will shout at each other and implicate themselves even worse after forgetting their parents can afford the best lawyers on the planet.

by Anonymousreply 4703/28/2013

Hudson University is not in the Ivy League.

Hanford is.

by Anonymousreply 4803/28/2013

An essay I posted elsewhere, using "all things learned" from a specific crime show (it's a rerun so skip if you've seen it):

Done with my packing and ready for Summer vacation. After reading "Phil Marco's New York" in the New York Ledger and glossing through Fashionella Magazine, I was bored out of my skull, so I turned on the TV and found nothing but 'Live With Barry Bishop' on WNYJ and a Philadelphia Cannons vs. New York Empires game. I hate Barry and am not into basketball, and the only DVD left unpacked was an old "Babes Bein' Bad," which I've seen a million times. I then thought of catching an art flick at the Trudeau, but I Seeker-Gofered the movie times and the next one is not for another two hours. So I've decided WTF, let's go out one last night before my long trip back home tomorrow, when I can sleep on the plane.

I'll probably call some of my buddies from other schools whom I've met through my internship at Stein Memorial - club kids from Grammercy College, Hamilton James, Manhattan U., and Hanford.

We'll probably go to Tequila Chito's in Brooklyn, though I know the Ivy Leaguers from Hanford will try to talk us into going to Les Bois Jolis or even to to Morean's, the celebrity joint midtown where they like hooking up with rich guys who work for Frederic Madson Securities and Federal International. They then take up a room at The Atlantique - pretty swanky for a bunch of guys I know cruise the men's room at Hellman's!

But maybe we can make a night out of it and end up at Trigger Club. Gotta avoid Catalyst though, that one doesn't get going till the wee hours and I don't want to miss my flight tomorrow morning (PanWorld flight 645 at 9:21 am), or worse yet, end up comatose at St. Andrew's or St. Jude's.

by Anonymousreply 4903/28/2013

DNA results take less time than a drive thru.

by Anonymousreply 5003/28/2013


by Anonymousreply 5103/29/2013

things i have noticed.. - all the police and district attorney's are either never married or their marriage is crumbling. -whenever there is case that seems to be failing apart there is always a surprise witness that will come in at the end and testify and make the case successful. -there are a lot of people who get shot at the police station, courthouse, and courthouse steps..none of these places seem like they have very good security -there never seems to be any consequences when an officer or lawyer breaks the law, especially when it is for a good reason..(last night's law and order svu) proves this -the chief of detectives and IAB are always dicks


by Anonymousreply 5203/29/2013

the lead ADA if a girl is always in her 30s..

by Anonymousreply 5303/29/2013

If you attend Hudson University in New York, you are more than likely to be questioned by the police. You also have an above average chance of being raped and/or murdered if you're female.

by Anonymousreply 5403/29/2013

plus every college aged person in New york goes to Hudson...There appears to be no other university in the city...Why would anyone want to go there though?It seems dangerous!

the time between a suspects arrest and trial is a day...

SVU detectives seem to deal with alot of cases that are not sexually motivated..

The ADA tells the cop at least once that she can't do their jobs too...

by Anonymousreply 5503/29/2013

[quote]every college aged person in New york goes to Hudson...

Not true. They also go to Manhattan U., Hanford ("Columbia"), Hamilton James, and Grammercy College.

by Anonymousreply 5603/29/2013

All crime labs have a quirky/goth/cute/geeky girl who works at a computer. The exception is NCIS/LA, where they have a cute nerdy gay guy.

by Anonymousreply 5703/29/2013

Cops can only solve crimes with the help of one the following:

1.A psychic

2.Guy pretending to be a psychic

3.Mystery novelist

4.An eccentric genius who doesn't play by the rules!

5.A busybody old lady

by Anonymousreply 5803/29/2013

[quote]That there aren't many black detectives, police officers, lawyers, judges, jury members.

[quote]But there are many black criminals

Actually, quite the opposite.

by Anonymousreply 5903/29/2013

If you're a really rich person, you can walk right into the FBI's offices and confront agents, without being held in the reception area to be escorted in.

by Anonymousreply 6003/29/2013

If somebody's wearing a scarf in every scene, whatever's under it (Adam's apple, scar) will solve the crime.

If somebody's notably left-handed--that's the clue later on.

If they ransom note or anonymous tip or suspect's reluctant statement uses a gender neutral ("The person you're looking for..."), the twist is that the killer's a woman.

by Anonymousreply 6103/29/2013

Los Angeles looks eerily similar to Vancouver.

by Anonymousreply 6203/29/2013

Lawyers are always tricky and end up getting the suspect to confess everything on the stand...and the judge never tells the suspect to shut up..or declare a mistrial..

by Anonymousreply 6304/01/2013

I am an inveterate true crime fan and have been for years. I am especially loving the I.D. channel at this time.

What I have learned is exactly how to murder someone and not be found guilty for it in a court of law. Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire to use this knowledge, but at times I question if those who do are also benefiting from the nearly "how to" lessons from the shows.

by Anonymousreply 6404/01/2013

All defense lawyers are cocky and sardonic.

by Anonymousreply 6504/01/2013

They all solve their cases in 1 hour!

by Anonymousreply 6604/01/2013

there is always a prostitute with a heart of gold..

by Anonymousreply 6704/01/2013

there is always a cop with anger management problems.. a small town like Cabot Cove has a serious violent crime problem.

by Anonymousreply 6804/01/2013

every character goes rouge at least once..

by Anonymousreply 6904/01/2013

They have access to something a million times more powerful than Google. When they type in the name of a suspect (or on Criminal Minds, the unsub) a dozen neatly arranged windows display all of the following in easy-to-read, full-color formats: college transcripts, employment history, all known addresses, color photos of family members, friends and co-workers, cell-phone records, EZ pass activity, and credit card receipts. If a credit card receipt from 1994 would be particularly helpful, that receipt displays first.

by Anonymousreply 7004/01/2013

The suspect will conveniently have a scrapbook or box filled with articles and newspaper clippings relating to his crime or crimes. Or he'll have the newspaper clippings posted all over his walls.

by Anonymousreply 7104/01/2013

Actually, R71, the new cliche seems to be that the criminal will plot his/her crimes by creating a web of string in the room and clipping various bits of paper to it.

by Anonymousreply 7204/01/2013

[quote]color photos of family members

More like glamour headshots.

by Anonymousreply 7304/01/2013

even though most police departments are probably cashed strapped, the police departments on tv always have the most up to date technology where they can pull up anything they want to know..

by Anonymousreply 7404/12/2013

Even after 10, 20 or 30 years on the job, the detectives take every crime very personally and have an overwhelming emotional investment in 'seeing that evil scumbag put away for good'.

by Anonymousreply 7504/12/2013

there is always sexual tension between the detectives

by Anonymousreply 7604/12/2013

every case is exciting and full of drama. Even though when ever i have been summoned to jury duty, it is the most boring day of your life

by Anonymousreply 7704/12/2013

Midgets are always guilty of something.

by Anonymousreply 7804/12/2013

(Cop/ADA opens locker/closet/cabinet/secret compartment):

Cop #1: "Oh, my God."

(Cop's partner rushes up, sees what Cop #1 saw; goes ashen, brows knit) [Silent beat, then ominous chord thrums]

(Camera finally follows their disbelieving gaze; cue crazy music in minor key.)

(Cops shake heads)

Cop #2: "A shrine."

by Anonymousreply 7904/12/2013

I saw a particularly silly episode of SVU recently. The villain was an an uber controlling CEO type (Andrew McCarthy). The moment he is arrested he lawyers-up. He is in and out of the police station in a matter of minutes. Ok, so far. That makes sense if you are very rich with a great lawyer. However, in the next scene Stabler and Benson are interviewing the wife in her hospital room. Uh, a very controlling man with an exceptional lawyer would never let them get near the wife. Would-not-happen. Then, even more ridiculous, there is a later scene where the CEO is being interrogated WITHOUT HIS LAWYER PRESENT. Uh, not going to happen. Even more ridiculous, in the scene, Stabler orders the guy standup and sit down as if the CEO is his slave. Again, totally out of character for a man who is a vary dominant sadist. He would have laughed at Stabler's attempt at control or made some response about this being "foreplay?"

by Anonymousreply 8004/12/2013

in shows like Matlock, the District attorneys are the worst lawyers in the world..They never object to anything, like Matlock always leading the witness.

by Anonymousreply 8104/19/2013

In every cop partnership, one cop is totally disgusted by the junk-food eating habits of the other cop.

by Anonymousreply 8204/19/2013
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