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Four fatal events in a relationship

It's over: The four problems NO marriage can survive (and having an affair ISN'T one of them)

Micki McWade is a divorce expert and psychotherapist

Says problems in marriage must not be left too late

Explained theory in blog on Huffington Post

By MARTHA DE LACEY PUBLISHED: 15:57 GMT, 21 February 2013 | UPDATED: 15:57 GMT, 21 February 2013 Comments (91) Share

There are four insurmountable problems no marriage can survive, according to a leading divorce expert.

And just having an affair isn't one of them.

Blogging on the Huffington Post, psychotherapist and author Micki McWade said cheating on a spouse is often just a symptom of one of four deeper underlying issues - issues which, she says, are the ones to ultimately end a marriage.

McWade - who describes herself as a collaborative divorce coach, a parent educator and collaborative trainer - outlines these marital dead-ends as: partners ceasing to be partners; chronic complaining and blame-throwing; narcissism and addiction.

Ceasing to be partners: When one partner feels the other is immature, irresponsible, untrustworthy or selfish, the marital dynamic will crumble, destroying intimacy and sexual attraction. One partner will then 'detach'. Domestic abuse is the most extreme version of this. There's often no turning back from detachment, so it's important to recognize and start marriage counseling before breaking point. A marriage counselor can't manufacture a connection, only strengthen it.

Domestic abuse is the most severe form of 'detachment', when one partner no longer feels equal to the other

Chronic complaining and blame-throwing: When marital problems are not resolved to the satisfaction of both, resentment builds - and this erodes relationships.

Solving a problem by compromise is more important than being 'right'. Individuals who cannot accept accountability are doomed to fail in relationships.

Narcissism: Everyone is narcissistic to some extent, but this is problematic when partners are unable to empathise with each other and instead compete over issues such as who works harder, who spends more time with the children, who had a tougher day. When partners don't understand the other's contribution, each assume the other has it easier and neither feels understood.

Addiction: Addiction will always be an addict's main focus above marriage and family, and their partner will feel angry and embarrassed by their lack of consideration for others.

by Anonymousreply 502/22/2013

Shit... four for four... god dammit... Better start apartment shopping...

by Anonymousreply 102/21/2013

I have family members whose relationship checks all those boxes, and more - meaning to extremes. Police calls, murder threats, shared addictions. And they are together going on 15 years.

by Anonymousreply 202/21/2013

"She hasn't got the faith or the guts to leave him when they're standing in each others way . . ."

by Anonymousreply 302/21/2013

Yeah me and my partner are fucked. It's got to be near the end. Of the two of us, I at least can comprehend what these issues mean and see the path to working on them; he can't even admit there is a problem. Or he will for two days and then go right back to the way he was before.

by Anonymousreply 402/21/2013

Three out of four. 5y relationship broke up a month ago. Reading this makes me realize there is no going back. If you are in a dead end - please don't be afraid to move on. I wasted two years in a dead relationship. I'm hurting now, and it is hard, but it will get better. Don't do what I did and beat a dead horse because you are afraid.

by Anonymousreply 502/22/2013
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