How can I convince my partner to just get the fuck over it?
Together three years. He's ten years older but we are compatible in every way and still in love. But, a few times we have had some hardcore verbal fights. About two years ago I said to him in anger (and I was also drunk), "you have all the intellect of a third grader! You're a goddamned stupid idiot!"
Well, he has NEVER gotten over it. And the fact is, he has a learning disability (dyslexia) and is easily overwhelmed by things like how to use a computer or even email. I have a degree, he doesn't. Big deal. Other than that ONE time I was an angry asshole and said a shitty thing, I have never tried to make him feel like he's stupid.
In fact he is very bright about some things, is an extremely hard worker and can fix anything. But he is insecure about not being 'book smart' or having an education.
Now, whenever we get into an argument (not a fight, an argument) he almost immediately launches into, "oh, I must not understand what you're saying because I'm a STUPID THIRD GRADER!" and at those moments I'm thinking, well hell yes you are.
Don't suggest counseling; he would never go - I try in so many ways to build him up and feel better about himself but I am soooooo sick of hearing him throw a two year old comment in my face every time he doesn't like something I say.
|by Anonymous||reply 89||02/20/2013|
I hope your partner is actively looking for someone better than you.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||02/19/2013|
Sometimes you just can't take back things you say. You hit a nerve trying to be cruel and this is the consequence. You're going to have to be patient about it.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||02/19/2013|
This marriage can't be saved
|by Anonymous||reply 4||02/19/2013|
Just say, Yes darling but your my stupid third grader and I wouldn't have you any other way.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||02/19/2013|
He is over it. Now he's just holding it over you. He can see how much it upsets you when he throws it back in your face, so he uses it to make you feel bad.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||02/19/2013|
I'st na Epescialyl eSnstiev opTci iwth hmi.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||02/19/2013|
You need to bring it up and your regret when you are not arguing.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||02/19/2013|
Did I miss the apology part?
|by Anonymous||reply 9||02/19/2013|
I agree with R6. I'm also sure he's said somethings to you in the heat of anger too.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||02/19/2013|
Yes, I have apologized many, many times over. And he has said SO many nasty things to me when he's been angry - really mean things that have hurt and stung, trust me. He has apologized for those things as well, but consistenly he brings up the "you said I was STUPID! Waaaah!" comment and how HORRIBLE I am for saying that.
He only recalls what I have said that's hurt him - cannot seem to comprehend that things he has said to me have hurt too, he's hit on my insecurities ON PURPOSE - and the truth is he isn't very smart, and frankly he's pissing me the fuck off.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||02/19/2013|
people manipulate more when they are stupid
|by Anonymous||reply 14||02/19/2013|
R13, NOW you are being honest. You really DON'T think he is smart and he knows it. I think this relationship might be headed for splitsville. And perhaps that is best. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life TETHERED to someone who you think isn't very smart? Good lord.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||02/19/2013|
I'm sorry, but I've never been in a relationship where I've said mean things to my partner, even in anger.
I just don't get the people who fight like this. Why would you say something so hurtful to someone you claim to love? And why would he say hurtful things to you?
This isn't love, Bunky.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||02/19/2013|
I'm with OP.
He made amends and now it should be over.
Just don't make the mistake again.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||02/19/2013|
You hurt his feelings. Take him in your arms, kiss him and tell him how much you love him and proud your are of how he's worked so hard to overcome the disadvantages of dyslexia. You have to understand how he's been hurt and laughed at and told he was dumb since he was a little kid. that hurt NEVER goes away. They said I was retarded. retard regard that's all I ever heard as I child. Helll, retarded my ass, I showed them. I went to collage and law school, but the hurt never entirely goes away.
|by Anonymous||reply 19||02/19/2013|
You have intellectual smarts OP but he has the street smarts. He knows that he can't win against you intellectually, so he fights in a way that gives him the upper hand. How does he react when you point out the nasty stuff he's said to you? Shrugs it off? Barely acknowledges it? Claims "it was nothing"? Then you need to give him the exact reaction he gives you when he once again throws it in your face. I bet he only does this when he knows he is losing the argument. Don't give him the satisfaction by firing up.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||02/19/2013|
R4, I used to read that every month as a kid!
OP, Forgiveness is the only thing that can keep relationships together. Did you apologize profusely? If not I suggest you do so and then see if he can forgive you. If that is the only significant problem than the two of you are very lucky.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||02/19/2013|
OP you are boring and pretentious. I hope you die soon.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||02/19/2013|
What the OP said is hurtful and wrong. He can't help how he feels, though. All that "take him in your arms" crap is crap. He thinks he is smarter than his boyfriend and deep down he feels superior to him. The relationship is doomed to failure unless he chooses to settle. And at some point something cruel will come out again. He will hurt the boyfriend again. Why DO that? Or the boyfriend might decide that he doesn't want to stay with someone who feels superior to him. Contempt is one of the hardest things to forgive.
|by Anonymous||reply 23||02/19/2013|
Just fuck each other's pain away.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||02/19/2013|
Most of you replying are obviously single and will be for life.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||02/19/2013|
I have to agree with posts R15 and R23 on this one.
|by Anonymous||reply 26||02/19/2013|
"Book smart" is absolutely fucking useless unless you're making the BIG BUCKS with it. Who gives a shit if you know all these stupid,worthless little facts and figures.
I'd MUCH rather have a...oh, how should one put this... "uncomplicated" man who can build a deck or fix a truck...so much more practical and just as lucrative as many so called "professional" careers.
I don't need someone who can score 500 point Scrabble games.
|by Anonymous||reply 27||02/19/2013|
op you should have said "Zoshia, your intelligence is pulp."
|by Anonymous||reply 28||02/19/2013|
OP you sound like you need a good bitch slapping!
|by Anonymous||reply 29||02/19/2013|
r27, it sounds like you're choosing your partner on the tasks he can perform for you, like that fat guy on "Downton Abbey" this weekend who was wooing Mrs. Patmore for the sole purpose that she could feed him.
|by Anonymous||reply 30||02/19/2013|
So what is this: EST or GED?
|by Anonymous||reply 31||02/19/2013|
R27, I think it is safe to assume that you are no Rhodes Scholar yourself.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||02/19/2013|
OP, are with him because he is your daddy?
|by Anonymous||reply 34||02/19/2013|
OP, you might want to face that you're too intellectual for him and thus not ideally suited. Probaby a break-up would be the best thing for both of you.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||02/19/2013|
The question you should be asking, OP, is how both you and your partner can accelerate your process of maturing, or to borrow your terminology, "grow the fuck up." Mature people don't say hurtful things to others, particularly people you love, even in anger. When tempers start to rise, you need to find ways to diffuse the tension, and address the core issue dispassionately, instead of reacting thoughtlessly in anger.
I've been in a LTR for 34 years, since I was 21, and neither of us have ever deliberately said something intended to hurt the other.
|by Anonymous||reply 36||02/19/2013|
[quote]OP, are with him because he is your daddy?
Now we are getting to the root of this relationship.
|by Anonymous||reply 37||02/19/2013|
[quote]I went to collage and law school
You're artsy AND smart!
|by Anonymous||reply 38||02/19/2013|
Did you even ask him if he'd go to a counselor with you, or are you just assuming he'd refuse? Ask him, once, if he'll go. If he won't, go alone. Whatever you learn in counseling will be a lot more useful than anything anyone is going to tell you here.
|by Anonymous||reply 39||02/19/2013|
R36, lucky you. Most people are not perfect and say things, sometimes that are not "perfectly nice." Are you and your partner on Thorazine or something? EVERYONE makes mistakes and we all say hurtful things once in a blue moon. Maybe not devastating things or truly mean spirited things but still..being fully human means we ARGUE sometimes. No relationship of any kind is honest without the FULL RANGE of emotions. The "core issues" here are that the OP (if any of this is real, of course) feels intellectually superior to his partner. Once THAT cat is out the bag, it ain't going back in. Can't unring THAT bell. You can put all the "Let's talk this out, my feelings are....I honor your feelings and..." and it's still all catshit. Putting lipstick on a pig.
Why "accelerate the process of maturing" (which, by the way, is quite impossible. People mature AS they mature. It is what it is. You learn as you learn. And the only way to learn from mistakes is to COMMIT them) when the OP deep down doesn't respect the intellect of his partner? Perhaps he should just say he is sorry. You know, "I am sorry you are stupid." LOL
|by Anonymous||reply 40||02/19/2013|
OP are you sure you are in a good relationship? Sounds like both of you hold a lot of anger in and you fight a lot.
|by Anonymous||reply 41||02/19/2013|
get a bib for him and call him a baby
|by Anonymous||reply 42||02/19/2013|
Sure everyone makes mistakes, R40, but no, not everyone says hurtful things to their loved ones. That is simply not true. People can choose to keep their mouths shut long enough to consider their response, and the probable consequences.
It is certainly not impossible to work on your process of maturation. It only takes a little reflection on your behavior, a willingness to improve it, and some of the intelligence that the OP claims to possess. You can break out of a childish rut if you apply yourself to the work.
And your statement that "no relationship of any kind is honest without the FULL RANGE of emotions." is just asinine. Experiencing the FULL RANGE of emotions is not the same as lambasting a loved one with an uncontrolled tantrum. Experience the anger, process it and learn from it.
|by Anonymous||reply 43||02/19/2013|
My ex told me I was stupid in the heat of an argument, he went on to say that he had no respect for me or my work, and that his friends all laughed at me behind my back. So I dumped him and over a period of time discovered that most of his friends actually thought he was an asshole. It seems to me that OP and his bf have moved into crisis mode and if they can't find a way to earn each others' respect, maybe they should move on.
|by Anonymous||reply 44||02/19/2013|
Just scream, "No babies Roger, they say we will eat them."
|by Anonymous||reply 45||02/19/2013|
OP has Daddy issues. His father was missing or absent and was probably more of a blue collar type (or the OP fetishized that type). OP is also bright and because of his sad upbringing has worked hard in life. He meets his "dream man". Older, can fix everything. I would bet he's bigger and the top, too. OP gets the father he always wanted! Strong, sturdy, studly.
But the OP can't ever be happy with a surrogate father because it's that: Not real. So he finds little problems with the man. He's not smart enough. He's not this enough. He's not that enough.
In the end, the man will leave. Just like Daddy. And OP will be licking his wounds, wondering why oh why can't he ever find love?
|by Anonymous||reply 46||02/19/2013|
It seems to me that your insecurities are very important to both of you. It also seems to me that both of you delight, enjoy, relish the sense of power it gives you to bring one another down.
This isn't healthy. You both need to seek some counseling and learn how to argue. If you want to continue until something irrevocable happens, fine, but you ought to opt for getting healthy.
There is too much negativity and ugliness in the world. Why create your own tensions and engage in such emotionally immature behabior. You both are wrong, you both have baggage, and you both need to get the fuck over it.
Don't come here whining and complaining. Figure out how to fix it, or end it. It sounds like you are in, or heading for, a very toxic environment.
You both need to talk when you're not angry. You need to listen. I think it would be easier with a referee. A trained referee. You both need to own what is wrong and what is right.
|by Anonymous||reply 47||02/19/2013|
Good for you R19
Problems should be discussed with both partners saying what they have to say and the subject not brought up again once the issue is resolved and apologies are made and accepted. Otherwise, yes, it's manipulation on his part. Tell him this, kiss and make up and do what R24 recommends.
|by Anonymous||reply 48||02/19/2013|
Along the lines of R44, I don't think OP respects his boyfriend (probably similar, for the bf) - you need to talk pretty honestly when you're sober. He might also feel insecure about the age difference...?
|by Anonymous||reply 49||02/19/2013|
It sounds like you said something, in anger, with an ounce of truth in it:the vanity of your academic experience and expertise. It revealed your true thoughts of him... You wouldn't have pulled a card like that, if you didn't think it at some level. So maybe you should see the counselor on your own.
You need to do to things to make this right:
a. swallow your pride, and do something, or say something intentionally stupid, so he can correct you and feel like he is on the same "level", be subtle in this way--you might have to act dumb and try to seek his help on a few things to get him to feel more confident. Be noble in this, and try to look at it, humbly: You are doing this for his sake.
b. anytime mentions that statement keep a few things in mind: accept that you acted like a third grader, and called someone stupid.--What does that say about you? If he is "stupid," you chose a partner with this quality.
c. Talk with him about it in the right context and circumstances, next time he says that in an arguments, during your subsequent makeup phase...mention that it is a pet peeve: he needs to stop referring to earlier fights-- tell him, it makes him sound petty and harboring resentments. It is frustrating to listen to the same dead issues over again when you are trying to address fresh ones.
|by Anonymous||reply 50||02/19/2013|
No. I merely have a modest little B.A. from an unsexy state university which I'm sure to you,according to your lofty benchmark, is considered "unaccomplised". You remind me of my last fuckin' boyfriend..who was also a patronizing prick.
I don't need a guy to work for me as I can and DO all that for myself. Because,unlike TWO of my exes,I don't view physical labor as some sort of compromise or lowering of one's self-worth. And though despite the fact we both had white collar careers they both had a habit of talking down to me when ever I engaged in some sort of distasteful "proletariat" behavior like building a fence. They felt I was reverting to my blue collar origins. Of course they enjoyed the benefits and started asking me to do all SORTS of little projects around the house. The truth is they were just fucking lazy.
I realized that I would much prefer being with a guy that could share in those interests rather than disdaining them...even if someone like you might consider him less intelligent.
Oh, and I have a 29 inch waist.
|by Anonymous||reply 51||02/19/2013|
Based on your reply at R51, it's clear you are a raging asshole. Please bore someone else with the details of your inadequacy.
|by Anonymous||reply 52||02/19/2013|
It's important when throwing out vicious criticism to a partner, that you use accusations which aren't actually true. Because truth does hurt.
Of course, who the hell can do something like that? Actually, my old roommate could. He constantly accused me of failings which I didn't have, with the result that I wasn't hurt at all. But since his intention was to hurt me, it just made him feel terribly frustrated and impotent because he just couldn't figure out what to say that would really get to me.
|by Anonymous||reply 53||02/19/2013|
R36, you are trying very hard to present as a rational, caring person. Sadly for you, you come across as a total fucking idiot.
[quote]The question you should be asking, OP, is how both you and your partner can accelerate your process of maturing, or to borrow your terminology, "grow the fuck up." Mature people don't say hurtful things to others, particularly people you love, even in anger. When tempers start to rise, you need to find ways to diffuse the tension, and address the core issue dispassionately, instead of reacting thoughtlessly in anger.
See? That's total bullshit. Mature people say hurtful things to others every single day and twice on Sundays. If someone is angry then they are, by definition, NOT dispassionate.
[quote]I've been in a LTR for 34 years, since I was 21, and neither of us have ever deliberately said something intended to hurt the other.
Ah. This explains everything, you are not in a real relationship. Sorry, I realize it's too late to live your life over in a relationship that isn't lifeless, empty and cold.
Take up reincarnation and hope for better luck next time. t
|by Anonymous||reply 54||02/20/2013|
This isn't going to end well or it has already ended in tears.
|by Anonymous||reply 55||02/20/2013|
[quote]That's total bullshit. Mature people say hurtful things to others every single day and twice on Sundays.
No, R54, they do not. Not deliberately. That is a trait of immaturity. I understand that pointing this out is going to cause some people's defensive mechanisms, and thus their anger, to flair, as you have effectively demonstrated by the following quote:
[quote]This explains everything, you are not in a real relationship. Sorry, I realize it's too late to live your life over in a relationship that isn't lifeless, empty and cold.
By lashing out at me in your defensive anger with this senseless attack, you have only revealed, partially at least, your personal issues.
|by Anonymous||reply 56||02/20/2013|
Someone just held a big ass mirror up to R54.
She was absolutely DEVASTATED by what she saw.
|by Anonymous||reply 57||02/20/2013|
3 years of mutual verbal abuse fueled by alcohol? Break up and move on all that crazy doesn't get better.
|by Anonymous||reply 58||02/20/2013|
Typical. I'm not a fan of how anger is defined and expressed in our society. It's essentially equivalent to melodrama at this point.
|by Anonymous||reply 59||02/20/2013|
Based on your response R51, you still have unresolved issues with your 2 Ex boyfriends that you brought into this one.
All 3 relationships seem to pivot on who is smarter then whom.
Since it is unlikely they all had the same affliction, you are the most likely the one with a problem.
You just keep playing it out in different ways with each new boyfriend.
|by Anonymous||reply 60||02/20/2013|
OP, your dick is too small to satisfy your man. Oh, Im sorry, did slip out? I was just mad, even though your dick is fugly.
Now, Get the fuck over it.
|by Anonymous||reply 61||02/20/2013|
The thing is OP, what you said to him IS actually what you felt. So trying to say you did not mean it is BS and he knows it.
You didnt just slap him down in an argument, you stuck a knife into his sore spot and turned. You went right for the jugular.
He is scarred now by your hands. Scars are not like wounds, they take forever to fade, but most of the time, they never completely go away.
Your fault, not his. You created the mess. How smart was that?
|by Anonymous||reply 62||02/20/2013|
Let your boyfriend take a long scat ride on your face to prove how much you love him. Then maybe he will get over it.
|by Anonymous||reply 63||02/20/2013|
Why would someone who is educated want to be with someone who is not?
In most instances, it does not work. Differences in education levels usually result in differences in power in the relationship and result in conflict.
What you said to him, OP, is the truth and that is why it hurts both he and you. He is lesser intellectually.
|by Anonymous||reply 64||02/20/2013|
you don't love each other.
why are you together again?
|by Anonymous||reply 65||02/20/2013|
I don't understand this relationship. If you don't respect your own partner why would you carry on?
|by Anonymous||reply 66||02/20/2013|
OP you are in denial, you fucked up and now you want it to go away by making it sound like your boyfriend is not letting it go.
Truth be told, you are uncofortable with how much you hurt him and cant deal with that fact so you are searching here from some kind of excuse to justify your mistake.
If you truly love him, you will just suck it up and realize it will always be part of the equation of your relationship. Just like if he cheated on you, even if you got over it, probably would not let that go for a long time. Years, decades!
|by Anonymous||reply 67||02/20/2013|
There are worse things than dyslexia, PO.
|by Anonymous||reply 68||02/20/2013|
ITA @ R60. R51 just sounds competitive.
|by Anonymous||reply 69||02/20/2013|
OP here. R62 you are correct; I did go for the jugular that time, but only because I wanted to hurt him "back" for things he'd said that had hurt me. Very immature.
I don't hold him in contempt nor do I disrespect him for not having an education. And believe me, it shows. He can't hold a job for very long at a time, and has a long list of excuses why. But reading comprehension and retention of information are part of the problem.
He just will never get over it. He despises me for saying it. Yet he clings to me and I to him - it's codependent. It's a silly meme here on DL but I have to admit it's true - I DO have daddy issues, and he fits the bill of my alcoholic father who committed suicide about a decade ago. And was mostly absent in my life anyway.
My partner has anger and rage issues that I have to try and diffuse pretty often. I am convinced that with me they are greater because of the disparity in our jobs and education. He loves me, but he resents me.
|by Anonymous||reply 70||02/20/2013|
OP, if this relationship works for the two of you, just ignore all the nay sayers on here. So what if you occasionally fight. It's how you fight that's the problem. But seriously don't apologise anymore, you have said sorry for 2 years. He knows you're sorry. And don't take the bait when he throws it at you by getting even more worked up. Do not react. Just say calmly (even if you have been yelling) "that's not the issue we're having right now, if you want to discuss this rationally i'll be in the other room". Then walk out. If you no longer feed the insecurity, he can no longer play that card whenever you fight.
|by Anonymous||reply 71||02/20/2013|
OP, yes r62 is right and yes you do, and you know you do! Why are you with this inferior moron? I bet you ask yourself that every day. Nan Michiganwomyn is right when she says "Words wound." They do and you know this and so does your partner.
|by Anonymous||reply 73||02/20/2013|
Listen to what R43 says.
Anybody who uses anger or drunkenness as an excuse to say horrible things to their "loved ones" is NOT a good person.
|by Anonymous||reply 74||02/20/2013|
You act like a third grocer really int so awful, is it?
|by Anonymous||reply 75||02/20/2013|
I'm ashamed of you, OP. Of course he's still hurt - you attacked him where you knew he was vulnerable and let him know it never really leaves your mind. Look how you expressed yourself in your post - full of small put-downs and quibblings.
What he needs to get over is not what you said, but how you feel. And that may not be possible.
He should leave you.
|by Anonymous||reply 76||02/20/2013|
OP, based on the thread title alone, you sound like a jerk. Hopefully he will wise up and dump you.
|by Anonymous||reply 77||02/20/2013|
Some of you are real grudge holders. The OP has said he's sorry, how often does he have to say it? Sheesh. He said something shitty in the heat of argument 2 freaking years ago, his bf has said some ordinary stuff in return. Big deal. The OP has never said he thought his bf is a dimwit, he's just not as well educated as the OP, it's hardly a reason to leave someone. They're just a couple who fight sometimes. That's it, no biggie.
|by Anonymous||reply 79||02/20/2013|
Bitch, would you just stop harping on your drunk speak to him? You're the one reminding him of this all the time.
Don't come here seeking validation for your guilt AND bad behavior.
You were a dirty mouthy venom spewing drunk to him and you NEED to own up to it, not HIM!
Quit your whining and get a life. There are people starving in the Middle East who don't even have a toilet or toilet paper to shit in.
|by Anonymous||reply 80||02/20/2013|
R79 = Serial Abuser
We are all happy not to know you.
|by Anonymous||reply 81||02/20/2013|
Yeah OP r80 is right! There are people who don't even have toilet paper to shit in. Oh and you are a dick and you know you think he's stupid and he knows that too. I bet he won't get over it. Write us in 6 months when your with someone new, because this will not end well.
|by Anonymous||reply 82||02/20/2013|
Wide differences in education attainment does not make for a good relationship.
You were speaking the truth, OP, in what you said to your partner.
The truth hurts in this situation. The education level of your partner will not change, so it appears you two should probably break up and move on, difficult as that may be.
|by Anonymous||reply 83||02/20/2013|
Tell him to stop. That you have apologized and don't want to hear about it again. If he continues, tell him it will cost him $20 everytime he brings it up. Make it mutual, you must have something on him too. You'd be surprised how fast money changes behavior.
|by Anonymous||reply 84||02/20/2013|
sorry, do not, not does not
|by Anonymous||reply 85||02/20/2013|
OP/ R70 Now you've added to the story and he's got anger & rage issues and can't hold a job. It sounds like you've got all kinds of anger issues yourself and you hold it all in and it all comes out when you're drunk.
I think you said what you said because it's something you always wanted to tell him. You used alcohol as an excuse to let go. You're not in a healthy relationship now.
If you want to save your relationship, bring this topic up when you're both feeling calm and happy. At that time, tell him again how really sorry you said what you said but also how upset you get when he brings it up. Try to make a pact not to bring up past discretions when you're arguing. Under no circumstances use the term "Get the Fuck over it"
|by Anonymous||reply 86||02/20/2013|
Um. I get no props for basically breaking things down?
|by Anonymous||reply 87||02/20/2013|
What are you talking about R81? I've never abused anyone in my life. I've also never held a grudge in my life. And the OPs boyfriend is still going on about this years later. Tell me, as the perpetual victim you must be, how long must the OP continue to apologise? Forever? 25 more years? How can they ever move on if they continue to re hash the same discussion? The OP can't unsay it unfortunately and he has said he is sorry and the bf won't seek outside help so what do you suppose he does? The OP has never repeated it and despite theyre inability to fight like grown ups, they're in love So the only option is to move on, isn't it?
Frankly I'm pleased not to know you either. I have no time for people who sit around judging others and simultaneously feeling sorry for themselves.
|by Anonymous||reply 88||02/20/2013|