It's been over 6 years and it's still killing me.
Over 6 years ago my partner of 20 years left without notice, without telling me why...pretty much, nothing. It was hard enough, but up until recently, I don't think he's been in a relationship, but through other people, it appears he's found someone, and it's killing me.
I'm sure he's slept around...that doesn't bother me, but imagining him in love with someone else makes me want to die.
This isn't normal, is it?
|by Anonymous||reply 104||02/17/2013|
I had a really hard time getting over my ex. I knew he was sleeping with others, of course. But when I heard about his marriage, I started crying (after five years--when I was living with somebody else!)
You had a long time together, OP. It's hard. I'm sorry. I've been there. It'll get better.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||02/14/2013|
Thank god, I thought this was another Heath Ledger thread. OP, it is normal just like the others have said. 20 years is such a long time, I have only had break-ups after 6 years, that seems to be my number. I know exactly what you mean about the thought of him loving someone else. It is easier if he just has an "action figure" but the thought of him loving someone sucks. It sounds cheesy but I listen to Barry Manilow "Even Now" to sulk and it helps sometimes.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||02/14/2013|
Thanks, R1 and R2. I guess part of the problem is I don't even want to meet anyone else, not that I could if I even wanted to. I was much better looking ten/twenty years ago.
|by Anonymous||reply 4||02/14/2013|
OP have you ever heard of George Jones' song "He Stopped Loving Her Today"? You're like the gay version of it.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||02/14/2013|
The recorded version of He Stopped Loving Her is better
|by Anonymous||reply 6||02/14/2013|
That George Jones song is about a guy who DIED, isn't it? Anyway, you guys must be truly fucked up if your partner just "left" you. What did you do to drive him away?
|by Anonymous||reply 8||02/14/2013|
Dude left you because you're somebody who wouldn't get over him. So get over him. He's a jackass and you're a simp.
PS: I sulked about my favorite ex-boyfriend for ten years, until he finally died, 6 years ago, and I still miss him. And we were together 10 months. Talk about wimps.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||02/14/2013|
This adorably sassy little Mary Engelbreit girl has a message for you, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 10||02/14/2013|
OP, Having been through something similar (though not as long), I can heartily recommend group therapy. You can talk about your gripes to people who understand (under the gentle guidance of a professional, so it's not bizarrely confrontational like one-on-one therapy) and you get to adequately, therapeutically "vent" like you probably haven't so far, and it's perfectly OK.
It's one of those backwards things: your loved ones and friends who would instruct you to snap out of it or "get over it" for your own good, alienate you - but when you can honestly and a bit anonymously process your grief and so forth in a more structurally supportive place (not here), you somehow "get over it" faster, more smoothly and more easily ease into the person that you want to be.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||02/14/2013|
It's time to move on... you just need to erase him from your mind. For you to have a life, for any of us to have a life, you NEED TO COMPLETELY ELIMINATE HIM FROM YOUR MIND...
|by Anonymous||reply 12||02/14/2013|
Another adorably sassy message for you, from Mary Engelbreit, beloved by cubefrauen everywhere...
|by Anonymous||reply 13||02/14/2013|
OP, do you believe in instant karma? The way your ex treated you, let's hope somewhere along the way, someone treats him the same way.
There's no other way describe your ex than he's callous. Selfish and immature. You don't treat people like that, especially someone you've share 20 years of intimacy with.
|by Anonymous||reply 14||02/14/2013|
Over 6 years? And it's killing you? Sorry, that's not normal.
At this rate you'll NEVER get over him, and it's ridiculous. Give yourself one more weekend, and that's it. Done. Time to move on by gutting him from your mind.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||02/14/2013|
I cannot believe Mary Engelbreit got name checked on DL
|by Anonymous||reply 16||02/14/2013|
R14, I wasn't the best partner. I could've been more supportive, more engaged, nicer, etc. It's one of those things where I didn't know how much he meant to me until he was gone. In other words, I wasn't completely innocent, so this might be my karma if there is any such thing.
Having said that, he always tended to be on the callous side but both of us have our faults.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||02/14/2013|
OP my first LTR was 7 years. When it ended, I was devastated, but it felt over. We both realized it was time to move on. After six months, I was over him, although I loved him very, very much.
My last LTR lasted only 18 months. He ended it abruptly, without any discernible cause. It's been two years, TWO YEARS, and I still am not totally over him. I also loved him very, very much. It eats away at me, the way he ended things, I think because it feels like I loved him more than he loved me. That's hard to accept. I felt duped; I still feel duped.
Maybe that's what you're going through too. It's more that you feel like someone you cared about and loved and nurtured made a total fool out of you.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||02/14/2013|
OP, R11 here. I can't be sure but my *guess* is that you may be stuck in one of the stages of grief. I only guess because I have been there. This is understandable if you shared friends in common with your ex (and have put on something of a false front in their presence)- and it's even understandable if you haven't.
I still think that talking about the things that you are reluctant to talk about (you can use fake names, the healing is the same) to perfectly understanding strangers is the speediest route to a decent life, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 19||02/14/2013|
You're right, R18. I do feel like a fool/loser. I can't help wondering if he ever loved me at all...ever. Not only that, his family, friends who I thought were my family/friends kind of turned against me, or at least it feels that way. Like I said, I sure wasn't perfect, but I don't know if I deserved to be shunned.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||02/14/2013|
I really didn't expect to get such understanding/helpful responses.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||02/14/2013|
Unfortunately, I can relate to that too, r18 and r20. Including the part when his family (who felt like my family too) kind of turned against me and shunned me, AFTER they explicitly told me they wanted to keep in touch with me. After the way my ex treated me, his family's behavior was like pouring salt in the wound. I've never felt like such an idiot, and that pain (and subsequent questioning of my own judgment) has kept me from completely moving on.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||02/14/2013|
Two songs have helped me after break-ups and they're basically the same song, even similar titles.
Someone That I Used To Love - Natalie Cole
Somebody That I Used to Know- Gotye featuring Kimba.
What both songs do is acknowledge the relationship, the hurt, the effort and the very real realization that your ex is your past. When you turn your ex into someone you no longer know, it's a mazingly empowering because you truly do not know the person they are now and probably wouldn't want to know.
|by Anonymous||reply 23||02/14/2013|
Sometimes it takes a Baby Gaysian to tell you what's up, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||02/14/2013|
[R24] Cute kid but he sure needs someone to stuff a big dick in his mouth to shut him up.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||02/14/2013|
Will you ever have closure? Maybe not. Unless you talk to him about why he left. You are going to have to accept that there will always be uncertainty with this relationship. My advice is to not think about it by keeping yourself occupied. It will pop up in your head once in awhile but you need to forge ahead by being resilient. Your habit right now is to ponder over this relationship. Make a new habit.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. You only need to attract one.
|by Anonymous||reply 26||02/14/2013|
I think it's a bad idea to "talk to him about why he left" to get "closure".
Your past partner already had his own closure, as much as it stings to think of it.
In my opinion the healing and "closure" you may require has nothing to do with talking to or contacting your ex boyfriend. You are talking six years post breakup, yes?
|by Anonymous||reply 27||02/14/2013|
the attachment to a former relationship must serve you in some way, otherwise you wouldn't bring it here. while this may be 'normal', it's not healthy.
this is what worked for me: I started choosing better feeling things, looking for the good things in my life, and thinking of my journey as an upward spiral instead of a circle: while some things looked familiar as I returned to them, every time I was a different person because I had grown in some way, and eventually I rose above what I used as an excuse to put pain in my experience.
|by Anonymous||reply 28||02/14/2013|
Thanks everyone! Great advice.
It's hard to completely erase him from my mind because we share custody of a child. She stays with me mostly, only seeing him every other weekend, if that. Still, believe it or not, we've only said about ten words to each other in 6 years. Any communication about our child is through our child (I know, bad, but I have no choice) or email, and even then, he rarely responds to me, so it's mostly through our daughter, who is 16-years old.
What's more, is that since he was primarily the breadwinner (I lost my rather low-paying job before he left and have not been able to obtain full-time employment since), he has allowed my daughter and I to remain in his house until she graduates from high school. I only know that because my neighbor told me that's what he said. He still pays the mortgage--he makes well over 6 figures-- because the house is only in his name. He also gives her money for clothes and for her expenses, but we live very frugally, otherwise.
Our daughter is a constant reminder, so it makes it a little harder to forget. Although, I really wish I could.
|by Anonymous||reply 29||02/14/2013|
OP = Bitter housefag traded in for a younger model.
|by Anonymous||reply 30||02/14/2013|
I don't think your ex partner knows what love is.
You don't just haul ass on someone you've spent 20 years with..... if you loved that person.
Part of being in love is knowing the person you're in love with... and doing what you can to not hurt them.
That didn't happen with you and your ex. I will will wager whomever he's with now won't be for long, unless that person has some other motive (money, etc)that keeps him around your ex.
Your ex sounds very selfish...and childish.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||02/14/2013|
OP, is it possible that he's an aspie? Or developing alzheimer's?
|by Anonymous||reply 32||02/14/2013|
It's funny you should say that, R32. I sometimes think he has a form of Asperger's syndrome. One of the things that used to annoy me were his one-sided "conversations", and his avoidance of eye contact. I used to tell him to let the other person speak or to ask the other person questions, and he did try. I noticed a big change.
The weird thing is I'm much shyer than he is, almost socially phobic (especially now) but very sensitive to social cues, and if anything, encourage the person to speak by asking questions, and focusing on him or her, whereas he's the opposite. I've noticed when we attend our daughter's games or events, he's back to talking people's ears off, the way he was when we first met. The only person he doesn't speak to is me.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||02/14/2013|
Classic cup and saucer. Fucked up people end up together. One feeds off of the other. If anyone breaks your heart, you are complicit in it in some way, too. MEANING, not that you "deserved" it but you CHOSE a person who would DO such a thing and perhaps did not have your own best interests at heart in picking someone with such propensities or character traits. Not about blame but self analysis. Some people keep picking the same "asshole" to date. Some learn. Rarely are people literally "totally surprised" when someone leaves them or hurts them. Most relationships are on that track long before the big break. If not, then the one "left behind" should analyze himself as to why he never picked up on clues. What was he blind about, what was he denying? We can only change ourselves. We cannot make people love us. What other people think of us is none of our business.
|by Anonymous||reply 34||02/14/2013|
[quote]I've noticed when we attend our daughter's games or events, he's back to talking people's ears off, the way he was when we first met. The only person he doesn't speak to is me.
Sounds to me as if he feels guilty about the way he left & is afraid to face you. He should feel guilty, & I'll bet your daughter has let him know (directly or otherwise) that she thinks less of him for behaving the way he has.
He ain't worth it, OP. Your relationship with your daughter sounds healthy, focus on that.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||02/14/2013|
Sometimes LGBT breakups take the form of a gay bashing because that's what the leaver knows.
|by Anonymous||reply 36||02/14/2013|
"The Man That (Who) Got Away."
|by Anonymous||reply 37||02/14/2013|
Didn't Tim Gunn's partner leave after twenty years?
|by Anonymous||reply 38||02/14/2013|
OP, just wondering ...
are you a woman? It's ok if you are - there are lots of us here.
Just ignore Mrs. Patrick Campbell if it trolls.
|by Anonymous||reply 39||02/14/2013|
"Closure" is on the list of "We're Tired of Hearing These Words" along with "at the end of the day" and "outside the box."
|by Anonymous||reply 40||02/14/2013|
I don't know if it is normal or not. I do know that we have one life and 6 years of letting someone hurt you is kind of self destructive. No doubt I have been affected by lost loves- but I do my best to move on, enjoy life, get back up on the horse and do it all over again having learned from the past. AND OP, as you get older, you will appreciate how precious time is... don't waste it! (Get help if it really runs yours life.)
|by Anonymous||reply 41||02/14/2013|
To those who speculate that there was something with OP, I sincerely wish you will never have a failed relationship and you are perfect in every way. And you never ever think that it might be other guys' issue. Good luck.
|by Anonymous||reply 42||02/14/2013|
[quote]You don't just haul ass on someone you've spent 20 years with
i dunno. what ARE you supposed to do? i left a relationship (albeit only 3 years, not 20), and my ex is still up in arms (5 years later still whining to mutual friends) about how i left him. alas, he wanted / wants 'closure.' i would be happy to give it to him if i knew what it was.
it is true i left abruptly. i basically just turned off the tv, said we needed to talk, that i wanted to end the relationship, that i thought he was a wonderful person but not for me, i cherished our time together but think we've grown apart, etc. etc. i gave him six months' rent and expenses on our place (which was four months past the lease expiration), which i thought was plenty generous, but he still feels i left him high and dry.
he didn't see it coming. but i don't see what the leaver in the relationship is supposed to do so that the other person does see it coming. i didn't want to repair the relationship: i wanted to end it.
anyway, i'm a little sympathetic to OP's partner because i know it is not easy to leave, and there is almost nothing you can do to not come across as the bad guy. but leaving a relationship is not a crime. the partner might be a perfectly wonderful person, just better suited to someone else. and just because a relationship had been great at one time for both people doesn't mean it always will be.
|by Anonymous||reply 43||02/14/2013|
Do some soul-searching, get out a pen and paper, and try to define WHY it hurts so much. Do you feel he "took part of you away" when he left? That he was your "other half"- and now you are just an empty shell? That no one else will ever want you again?
He may have left you because there was "no there there". Co-dependent and clinging for dear life.
If so, it means you need to work on your self-esteem. Why do you think you are nothing without a man?
|by Anonymous||reply 44||02/14/2013|
You have to have closure before you can move on. When your partner doesn't tell you WHY he's leaving you blame yourself and come up with all sorts of flaws and issues that become so big that you cannot believe that you will ever find someone else to fall in love with you. So you take on a fake persona and trick people into falling for you who then will figure out fairly quickly that you are fake and dump you for your trickery. So you end up alone again. Will you learn? Of course not! This isn't an After School Special after all.
|by Anonymous||reply 45||02/14/2013|
blah blah blah R41. Easy to say.
People who are constantly chirruping "move on" are people who never feel anything deeply, in my experience...or people who have guilty secrets.
|by Anonymous||reply 46||02/14/2013|
I want to know what love is. I want you to show me.
|by Anonymous||reply 47||02/14/2013|
[quote]he didn't see it coming. but i don't see what the leaver in the relationship is supposed to do so that the other person does see it coming.
Drama! Lots and lots of DRAMA!
|by Anonymous||reply 48||02/14/2013|
[quote]You have to have closure before you can move on.
Pure New Age bullshit.
|by Anonymous||reply 49||02/14/2013|
[quote]People who are constantly chirruping "move on" are people who never feel anything deeply, in my experience...
You, on the other hand, are a rare and special flower, obviously.
|by Anonymous||reply 50||02/14/2013|
[quote]When your partner doesn't tell you WHY he's leaving you blame yourself and come up with all sorts of flaws and issues that become so big that you cannot believe that you will ever find someone else to fall in love with you.
THIS is why they left you.
|by Anonymous||reply 51||02/14/2013|
Love is just a chemical reaction in your brain.
|by Anonymous||reply 52||02/14/2013|
r49, and what about love and relationship?
|by Anonymous||reply 53||02/14/2013|
R43, you did it right. According to OP, his partner didn't even try to explain, just took off (& they have a young daughter, which makes it even more callous).
No need for a prolonged conference about it, but I do think the party leaving owes it to the other party (& any kids involved) to at least make a little speech, as R43 did.
I've left many times, but it was never just a midnight flit.
|by Anonymous||reply 54||02/14/2013|
OP, you're stuck. Not just unable to get over him but unable to take control of your life and move on. How can you not even know how long he intends to pay for your housing? What's going to happen when your daughter graduates from high school? You have no job and no place to live. I am sure your daughter resents being used as a messenger between her parents, and will feel guilty that she is the only reason you have a roof over your head.
|by Anonymous||reply 55||02/14/2013|
[quote]You have to have closure before you can move on.
I agree this is bullshit.
We rarely get closure in life. Closure is for novels, and life is not a novel. Any "endings" we impose are superficial and constructed.
|by Anonymous||reply 56||02/14/2013|
R56 is a genuis. "Closure" is just pop psychology clap-trap that is meaningless puke-talk.
You just keep your body moving, thoughts going, mood high, and continue on with life.
|by Anonymous||reply 57||02/14/2013|
r56, and that's why in real life people lash out at everything and everyone, because at one point they no longer can keep their unresolved issues and anger bottled up.
|by Anonymous||reply 58||02/14/2013|
OP, obviously you don't love him or you would have done everything in your power to get him back. Boo hoo. We're glad he's happy. Now shut up, dress up, go out, and get a life.
|by Anonymous||reply 59||02/14/2013|
OP's partner knew that ANY discussion with the OP about leaving would be an opening salvo to... WORLD WAR DRAMA!!!!
The only way to avoid it was to EXIT, STAGE RIGHT.
The fact that OP is still boiling bunnies for his Ex SIX YEAR LATER only proves that he did the right thing.
The OP reeks of clingy neediness with a touch of "If I can't have him, nobody will!" and zero self-awareness.
|by Anonymous||reply 60||02/14/2013|
I've always found it harder to get over someone and see them with someone else if they didn't like me "that way" (unrequited love), than if we got to experience a substantial relationship.
So, embarrassingly, I still have those heartbreak death feelings when I think about someone who didn't love me back once upon a time. It sucks. Feelings make absolutely no sense and are completely unreliable, even when you're aware of them and know why they exist.
|by Anonymous||reply 61||02/14/2013|
My parents divorced after 40 years of marriage.
At the beginning the sympathy was all on my mother's side as it should have been. She was rightly screwed over because she didn't fight back legally and just took what my father gave her (which was fine but could have been better). You can't make people fight for themselves if they don't want to.
But as time went on the sympathy went more to my father. However poorly he managed it - and he did it poorly - at some point she needed to move on. Because it just made her life miserable and the lives around her.
This is perhaps too different from OP's scenario because it's about a case several generations ago and it's from an age when women didn't expect to have any power in the relationship, i.e. the husband usually ran everything, including the divorce.
For OP's sake, he needs to move on so he can enjoy his life again and not give this guy so much control over his life and emotions.
|by Anonymous||reply 62||02/14/2013|
[quote]he has allowed my daughter and I to remain in his house until she graduates from high school.
OP/R29, it sounds like you have about 2 years to get your shit together and become independent (financially and emotionally). When your daughter goes to college, you're not going to be supported anymore.
Focus on those two things, because you could wind up homeless if you don't.
|by Anonymous||reply 63||02/14/2013|
Wow, so many of you are right.
R34's right. He's the only relationship I've ever had, and while I was shocked when he left, I knew our relationship was far from perfect. When I look back, there were definite clues. I was just too dumb to see them. And we were "cup and saucer". People used to call us bookends...way back when...
R39, No, I'm not a woman, although my partner used to call me one when he was angry. He's definitely more "male" than me.
R43, he did not even do that. His brother and him tried to move him out while I was at work, but I cam home early that day. The funny thing is he snuck out to avoid drama like R60 said, but I was so shocked that when he told me to drive around for another half hour so he could finish moving out, I did. No drama whatsoever. However, yes there would've been drama had he told me like R43 told his partner. I would've been very upset.
R44's right. I feel like half a person, or like an empty shell.
R55, you are also right. I don't know anything about what's to come after she graduates and I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't find a good job at 50-years old.
My daughter does resent being the messenger. She really is in the middle, and she knows how I feel, which adds to her burden.
R60, you are right except for the self-awareness part. I'm very self-aware as far as I know. I'm NEVER outwardly clingy, but yes I'm far too needy. I HATE that about myself.
|by Anonymous||reply 64||02/14/2013|
OP, are you actively looking for a job?
|by Anonymous||reply 65||02/14/2013|
As long as you are living in his house you will never get over this. I just had a break-up after an LTR and I got out of the town and the state. It is too hard to have reminders every day and it drags you down all over again. If there is any way that you can leave before your daughter graduates then you should. Otherwise expect to be feeling this way for two more years +.
|by Anonymous||reply 66||02/14/2013|
I don't understand people like OP and others who need someone else to define for them what went wrong in their relationship or why it ended. Resolve it for yourself and move on.
I mean the fact that over 6 years later you remain completely clueless about it suggests to me that you must be completely self-involved with little ability to put your attention on others. I mean what do the echoes of this relationship sound like in your mind? In retrospect are you not able to see any signs whatsoever? If not, do you accept that your partner was likely completely duplicitous and did not share an intimate life with you - and you were likely too self-involved to know the difference? Why would you still pine away for somebody like that?
Or there's always the possibility that your relationship was so banal that he couldn't be bothered to say goodbye and resolve it properly.
Mostly, after 20 years, it sounds like you didn't fight for it. You didn't fight for the respect you deserved, to properly honour the relationship, the time you spent together by at least resolving it fitfully. I mean, how did you resolve your 20 year entanglement - just from a legal standpoint of bills, accounts, potential mortgages, shared possessions, etc. - without investigating the source of your parting, in an honest and beneficial way?
|by Anonymous||reply 68||02/14/2013|
It other words, OP, r68 is telling you: BLAME YOURSELF.
|by Anonymous||reply 69||02/14/2013|
I am surprised that I'm the first to point this out but, it seems significant that you left out your daughter until many posts later. You are not someone who can't get over having been left six years after being dumped. You are stuck in the same place you were six years ago while still tied to the person who left you, who also cares for you and has moved on with someone else who I'd different than you are, ie someone who is not passively sitting by letting life happen to him.
What else is your life about other than being a victim? Start to focus on those things and give your life some other shape. Work out. Get healthy. Volunteer. Garden. Develop yourself.
|by Anonymous||reply 70||02/14/2013|
OP, if you handle relationships like you handled this thread, you need a good shaking and then a good slapping.
"my partner left me without a reason"
30 posts later
"BTW we have a daughter together and he owns the house and pays the bills".
You're just a SIMS game that costs money. He retains equity in his house and gets a surrogate to raise his daughter. You can't see anything in your future except being a used-up housewife.
1. Pick any job that earns money and sounds interesting
2. Scan Apple university and Reddit University for starter courses in the field.
3. Drop some social sites and focus on information you can use
4. Crap out a resume
5. Put copies in EVERY person's hand you meet.
6. Get a job
7. Prepare to leave
|by Anonymous||reply 71||02/14/2013|
R65, I have a part-time job and I am looking for a job, whether it be a full-time job or another part-time job.
R66, no, unfortunately, I can't leave because my daughter wants to graduate with her class. Her needs come before mine.
R68, are you a parent? My guess is no. And how do you fight with a stone wall? Sure, I could've stalked him, begged him to talk to me, but what would that accomplish except to piss him off? I had a daughter to think about, pissing him off just makes it worse for her. He's very good at disconnecting emotionally, and I've learned that when his feelings are involved, he's incapable of empathy, yes, even for his daughter.
I'm not completely clueless about it. As I have said before, we've had our problems and even though I don't like the way he left, I take responsiblity for my part in the deterioration of our relationship.
He makes all the money. He has all of the retirement accounts. He owns the house. So, what is there to resolve? He's allowed me to live in his house until our daughter graduates. That's all I can tell you. That's all I know. My role in our family, which he readily agreed to, had/has no value, even though my role enabled him to climb the ladder because he never had to worry about our daughter, who was quite sickly as a youngster.
|by Anonymous||reply 72||02/14/2013|
From what I've experienced and what I know from others, not letting go is sort of a misconceived validation: it is like you hang on because if is an important/significant chunk of your life, and if you let go, it means that something that defined you had been rendered worthless. So instead of black and white, you just have to find a place for it to sit in your brain and your heart. It never goes away, but if you keep focusing on its importance and the value you placed on the effort for all that time, you never give yourself a chance to heal or find an equilibrium that accurately reflects you as you are now.
|by Anonymous||reply 73||02/14/2013|
Zoloft, sugar. Zoloft. It will take all your problems and make them seem like nothing. And if your metabolism is like mine, you'll even lose some weight. You'll forget that loser and his new love and look even better. Who could ask for more?
|by Anonymous||reply 74||02/14/2013|
I don't know. Closure for me would be the person saying, 'I don't want you or be in a relationship with you anymore because....and then give me a damn list: I'm boring, ugly, can't cook, I'm stupid. I could deal with hearing any of those things.
What's hard for me is the, "you're a great person, but I want to move on.' I need the "why".
|by Anonymous||reply 75||02/14/2013|
OP - so you had a daughter and were all living under one roof and then he packed up and left you both without word or warning? Where was the daughter when her father left the house? What was her reaction? No offense but this little part of the story seems suspicious.
If he did do this, I bet that something very fucked up happened to your ex at the exact same age that your daughter was when he left. Deep issues get triggered like that.
|by Anonymous||reply 76||02/14/2013|
[quote] My role in our family, which he readily agreed to, had/has no value, even though my role enabled him to climb the ladder because he never had to worry about our daughter, who was quite sickly as a youngster.
OP, have you spoken to lawyer about palimony? (ie alimony for unmarried couples)
|by Anonymous||reply 77||02/14/2013|
Op seriously, have you tried Zoloft?
I was nearly suicidal over an ex and after 3 days on Zoloft I completely was over it.
|by Anonymous||reply 78||02/14/2013|
R77 has a good point. If I were in OP's position, I'd look into that legal issue.
|by Anonymous||reply 79||02/14/2013|
OP, You agreed to the relationship and got to stay home with your child. That was your choice to make. You need to stop living off someone else. Take responsibility for your life and the decisions you've made. You will be much better off. No sense living in the past. You are in control of you.
|by Anonymous||reply 80||02/14/2013|
you really should look in to palimony.
my partner and I signed a cohabitation agreement after 1.5 years and I am so grateful.
|by Anonymous||reply 81||02/14/2013|
Grow up and use caps, R81, or face a life of being dismissed as a lazy, illiterate fool. Of course your "cohabition agreement" after "1.5 years" shows you to be a fool anyway.
And of course you can't capitalize except when referring to yourself.
|by Anonymous||reply 82||02/15/2013|
R76, my daughter was at school. When I caught him leaving, he told me he would pick her up so that he could tell her he was leaving. He dropped her off at the front door. She was hysterical, and she cried for a week. He was extremely insensitive to her feelings.
I didn't include my daughter when I first posted, because I had no idea I'd get any responses, or that I'd post so much about my situation. This is very weird for me because I haven't really talked to anyone about this, yet here I am on an anonymous board pouring my heart out. This is not like me.
Re palimony, I couldn't afford a lawyer at the time, and I can't afford one now. Anyway, isn't there a statute of limitations? It's been over six years and my daughter will be 17 in two months.
|by Anonymous||reply 83||02/15/2013|
R73, I think that's true. Thanks.
|by Anonymous||reply 84||02/15/2013|
OP, when you can get a good job and get out of there, do! Remember, it's better to die on your feet than live on your knees.
|by Anonymous||reply 85||02/15/2013|
I say do NOT get over it.
"Getting over it" leads to "settling" next time around. Keep your standards high, even if they aren't met.
Those who tell you to move on are unattractive sexual opportuniswts who know this is their only shot with you. Don't fall into the trap.
Unless of course you get desperate.
|by Anonymous||reply 86||02/15/2013|
The worst part about a situation like this is you start to question your own judgement and become highly cynical when it comes to seeking out other long term partners. Awful!
|by Anonymous||reply 87||02/15/2013|
I don't usually advise this, but you're doing no one any favors by sticking around.
See me for a solution
|by Anonymous||reply 88||02/15/2013|
[quote] Re palimony, I couldn't afford a lawyer at the time, and I can't afford one now. Anyway, isn't there a statute of limitations? It's been over six years and my daughter will be 17 in two months.
There are lawyers who give free consultations, and if the lawyer agrees to go ahead, their fees are paid out of your "marital" (you know what I mean) assets. Even if you don't receive palimony, I would think you would get some part of the assets (house, IRA) etc. One of the first steps that the court system takes in divorce cases--I went through this as an adult with my parents--is taking into account the earnings you forfeited by raising the kid and monetizing what that would have cost.
I sense you have the habit of making important decisions based on pure supposition: "Isn't there a statute of limitations?" Stop doing that--it's screwing up your judgements.
The only way to move ahead is to get your facts straight. Pick up the phone and call a few lawyers who offer free consults, see what they have to say. You have nothing to lose.
|by Anonymous||reply 89||02/15/2013|
It is extremely difficult to get palimony. Even in states that do not have gay marriage, couples who want to could and do consult attorneys at the beginning of their relationships to hash out the terms of financial arrangements contractually, especially where one partner makes more than the other, and almost always when there is a child involved. The fact that you and your ex failed to do this is incredibly irresponsible, though this failure is obviously behooving to his benefit now, and your detriment.
A court will look at your situation, and ask why you did not either (1) marry if you are legally permitted to do so in your jurisdiction, or (2) make some contractual agreement as to the distribution of your assets upon separation before such separation actually occurred if you are not permitted to marry. These are the same questions asked of anyone who seeks palimony, male or female, gay or straight, parent or not; and since the answers are rarely very good, the complainant rarely emerges victorious. Six years ago you may have had a good case for child support, but that's quickly circling the drain. Find the best job or training program you can before the plug is pulled and focus on building your financial independence, not just for you, but for your daughter; she obviously can rely only so much on your ex, though it seems he has been pretty responsible so far.
|by Anonymous||reply 90||02/15/2013|
Thanks to all of you for the good advice! I've come to the conclusion I'm living in a prison of my own making and, of course, it's up to me to get out. To do that, I must get rid of my tendency toward "magical" thinking. He's not coming back and I've got to face it, not only for my sake, but for my daughter's sake as well. My biggest fear is that I have nothing to offer since I my "career" consists of mostly part time work...customer service, etc.
Anyway, getting objective opinions has helped a lot..opened my eyes to a few things I hadn't thought about, and for that I thank you.
|by Anonymous||reply 91||02/15/2013|
OP - this is r76. I have SO much compassion for you. And your daughter.
The truth is that he was a ticking time bomb. His personal issues (the ones that he had way before he even met you, that brought into the relationship) are clearly buried so deep...that he doesn't want to face them or work on them. That's his modus operandi.
So when issues came up for him in the relationship with you, he didn't face them, mention them, bring them up, work on them, etc. That's his pattern. Until eventually he just decided to cut and run.
My strongest recommends for you is to FORGIVE YOURSELF. There is NO WAY you could have known that he hides things emotionally. Their whole goal is to make sure you don't know their problems! You need to tell yourself this story over and over. The story of what happened, so that you truly can fully forgive yourself. And so that you can know what happened.
Not knowing what happened is unacceptable to the brain and psyche. It's important to know so that you don't fall into this same situation. You need to know how to protect yourself and your daughter.
Perhaps even come up with a way for you to "vett" new romantic partners so you could screen for this type of behavior, as an exercise in giving yourself emotional closure.
|by Anonymous||reply 92||02/15/2013|
Also, the fact that his brother helped him "cut and run" on both his daughter and partner indicates that this very, very fucked up behavior was cultivated and embraced by his family. Deep issues. No healthy person would ever help another family member do that to a child. That is just beyond fucked up.
|by Anonymous||reply 93||02/15/2013|
On the contrary R94, the family came up with the idea, I'm guessing.
|by Anonymous||reply 94||02/15/2013|
r95 - it wouldn't surprise me. The main thought it that his family is where this fucked up behavior pattern originated.
|by Anonymous||reply 95||02/15/2013|
[quote]It's been over 6 years and it's still killing me.
Prove it, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 96||02/15/2013|
Thank you very much, R93.
It's not only his brother, but his mother as well. I didn't know what they were discussing at the time, but right before he left, on my daughter's birthday, he and his mother were in the garage, in deep discussion, plotting and planning his escape, for about an hour and a half.
Then, after he left, my daughter wasn't herself around them for a while, not rude or anything, just quiet and sort of unresponsive, so his mother wrote her a nasty angry letter telling her she only gets one father, and wrote about all the things she and her son had done for her, etc.
Not one ounce of empathy, sympathy and/or compassion was ever shown toward my daughter from either her father or grandmother. It was all about their feelings.
He still lives with his mother (I think the house is in his name now) and I'm sure she loves it because not long after he left, her husband, who was the only one who didn't like what was going on, had a stroke, ending up in a nursing home. In other words, she never spent one day without a man in the house.
|by Anonymous||reply 97||02/16/2013|
I'm sorry for your situation.
But you lost your job before the split and you seem to be full of spite and resentment about your former partner and his family (rather than full of grief and loss).
I think that we had a lesbian poster from Alaska who made a similar impression.
Your former partner seems to be close to his family, you were with him for 20+ years, you had a child together and he is professionally successful - not a bad tally.
So you need to let go and move on and free your daughter from the pressure that you appear to have put on her (through not talking to your former partner and, quite possibly, discouraging contact).
|by Anonymous||reply 98||02/16/2013|
OP, you sound needy and dependent but like a kind person.
Your former BF, however, sounds insensitive. No, make that out and out cruel. How could anyone behave so meanly to a girl of ten? His family are clearly crummy, nasty people.
Think to yourself, "Good riddance."
|by Anonymous||reply 99||02/16/2013|
Sounds like the mother uses her son as an extension of herself, and her power. Sounds like the mother was jealous of the time, attention and resources the daughter was taking up - the daughter was turning into a woman - competition for the mother - and that just. would. not. do.
I wouldn't be surprised if your partner turned on the both of you due to emotional poison the mother was pouring into his ear. Boy - they are FUCKED UP.
OP - Maybe instead of regretting the loss of your partner, it's time to start counting your blessings. That you got to raise your daughter instead of 50/50 parenting her after the split (think of what a mess she would have been living with him and granny! oy!), that you got to not work and be there for her even more than you would have if you had worked, etc. And mainly for the fact that it ended sooner rather than later. Sometimes we don't know we are in a toxic environment until we have begun healing from it.
If you are jealous of your partner finding a new love - oh, please! I feel sympathy for the guy. Do you really think your ex's mother will allow her son to leave her nest of selfish control so she can be put into a nursing home? Ha! Oh, my sides! Your partner is at the beck and call of a very sick woman, and shares many of her traits. And has no interest in changing a thing. Just like granny always wanted.
Perhaps you ended up sharing on DL, now, 6 years after the fact because your daughter is turning 18 soon and it's time for you to begin a new phase of life that coincides with this.
If you can emotionally release yourself from the past and what could have been (because it could not have been any other way but worse)...new opportunities will automatically present themselves to you.
I predict that you will soon enter the best years of your life - if you can let go and let life carry you into the new.
|by Anonymous||reply 100||02/16/2013|
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ” ― Carrie Fisher
|by Anonymous||reply 101||02/16/2013|
One idea is to refuse to leave when he tries to evict you. If he stops paying the mortgage, his credit will be destroyed.
|by Anonymous||reply 102||02/17/2013|
Girl HE LEFT SIX YEARS AGO!!!
You should have gone out and got another partner shortly after instead of playing the victim for 6 years! Forget that fucking asshole already! He was cruel to you. GET IT? Fuck him and get a goddamn life! Life is too short to dwell on people who don't give a shit about you.
And who cares if "he's cheating"! Are you NUTS? Of course he's been digging other butt holes after he ditched you!
Girl, I think you need psych meds.
NOW BUCK UP and get your ass out of this mental torture. It's sadistic.
|by Anonymous||reply 103||02/17/2013|