Greetings from America, I bring you greetings from the land of the free and the home of the brave to LA., land of the numbnut, I love going to Los Angeles because they desperately need me there. When we played the House of Blues, I heard that more than a dozen gay guys ate pussy that night.
I just read you made an offer of some kind to Lance from N'Sync.
Well, he doesn't need to go the moon. He needs to be a self-sufficient, independent American dream spirit. And he is obviously missing that dramatically if he still buys into the monkey's formula in the year 2002. I just thought I'd give him a shot at real manhood. I offered to bring him onto the Nugent Swamp and show him where Lewis and Clark witnessed Sacajawea. I killed a beautiful buck this morning, and all the vocalists and musicians of the world need to qet their hands bloody at least up to their elbows in guts once a year. I think all those formula bands are really pathetic.
What do you think of Insane Clown Posse?
It's another formula band. That's just like The Monkeys but without any brains. Since Richard Pryor caught on fire I haven't had a good laugh 'til the Clown Posses came along. In fact, they have a song, I think it's called "Fuck Ted," and they ridicule my music. If you hate me, you are a great, great source of inspiration and then comedy. I just howl and cheer his spirit. I thank them so dearly for that.
I spoke with them yesterday.
That had to have been just like cleaning the latrine with your lips. Which you shouldn't do.
Violent J said that he was a big fan of yours, and they weren't serious about dissing you on the record.
They're just having fun, I think.
Then he followed it with, "But if he's an asshole about it, then he can suck our dick." And I was like, "I'm not sure that he's going to accept your apology."
First of all, not only do I not accept it. I see no need for one. I think they're cute. You know, when I see a three-legged dog, I'don't shoot it right away. I want to watch it dance around a while. I shot a fucking cat this morning. And when I went and retrieved it, it had this beautiful studded collar on it. I kid you not. For you city kids who might recoil in fear when I mention such things, believe me, there is an epidemic of feral dogs and cats in In this country that are spreading rabies and distemper and disease across the land. The only responsible thing to do is to kill them. I did a job for both you and me today. So I want you to just shut up and thank me.
I think all cats should be killed regardless.
Now you're talking, buddy. I did a terrible job because I used a 10 millimeter, and it just killed him instantly. I'd rather have him dance around like an Insane Clown Posse for at least a couple minutes before he dies. But next time I'll aim a little lower.
Ted, how many confirmed kills do you have?
Certainly, thousands and thousands. I mean, in the '70s and '80s, I used to keep track of such things, and there were years of 400-500. I have since modified my gut-pilled jihad to be strictly effective not just wanting. So everything I kill now is put to the maximum utilization.
Have you ever killed a man?
Not yet. I think I've caused some serious torso and psychological alterations according to the death threats I've gotten. What a beautiful bonus God has blessed me with. The confusion I reign across the retarded landscape is more important than platinum albums and big giant bucks. It's almost pussy, man. But, no, I've never killed a man.
Were you in Vietnam?
We lost didn't we? My point being, if I'd have been in Vietnam, we would have won.
Would you have padded your number of kills with the dead babies?
No, that would have been considered a legitimate kill.
A dead baby is a legitimate kill?
Malai would have been a yawn if I would have been in Vietnam. Let's get serious here. Right now, we don't even have to go back to the Vietnam era. You've seen videos of the training camps over in gomer voodoo land? The training camps are training little children to hate America. Evil doesn't have an age restriction, okay. I don't care the age or the breed of the dog that is foaming at the mouth approaching my child. I'm going to shoot the motherfucker. Are we clear? Drive safely.
You have a camp over there that you invite people to come and hunt with you.
Absolutely, I have camps in Africa. All across North America. Yeah, I crave the campfire. And, actually, it doesn't cost more to hunt with the Nuge, you see it costs less to hunt with the Nuge. When I take people on sunrise safaris, Uncle Ted campfire adventures, I can literally take a $5,500 hunt that you would pay at a typical ranch in Texas, and I can probably cut that down to half price, only $2,500.
How would one of our readers get a hold of you if they wanted to go on one of these?
Tednugent.com and certainly at 800-343-HUNT. I will guide more than 400 hunters this season, and it's a spiritual orgy, man.
Have you ever used a fresh deer pelt as a Halloween costume?
No, but I've worn it on stage just to scare white people. I'm the only rock 'n' roller that actually kills his own stage clothes. I mention that every night on stage that anytime any person uses the word animal and rights in the same sentence, I'm gonna kill a hundred of something. So don't even fuck with me. There will be blood on your hands and in your family tree.
You have a new cookbook Kill it and Grill it, but have you ever eaten road kill?
Yes, I have. In fact, probably in more than a dozen states, Chris, I have spearheaded legislation and acted into laws allowing citizens to use fresh road kill. In many states it was illegal to possess it, and that's absurd. There is a lot of good protein there. When you hit that animal, you should do everything possible to recover the usable portions. We've seen deer hit on the highways, and, as a sheriff deputy, I've gotten out and killed the animal outright while he flopped around. That's happend probably dozens of times. I'll sit right there and pick up my knife and render it into family-sized portions.
Have you ever eaten an opossum?
Yes and it was one too many. Opossum is a staple down South.
Being a sheriff, what's the worst thing you've come across?
If you read the first chapter of God, Guns and Rock 'N' Roll you'll see a gory, detailed review of my encounter. A life-and-death, hair lined, life threatening force collision that occurred on the streets of Miami many years ago. where I was already of the mindset of using deadly force to neutralize the evil, but I did not have to revert to that. I was able to diplomatically and physically neutralize the threat. There were two thugs about to kill an off-duty cop with his own gun. I intervened. It was pretty neat.
What did you do?
I basically called 911 as clear and quickly as I possibly could. Then I cleared my Glock, I did not draw it, but I cleared it. I produced my deputy shield, and I forced the two perpetrators off the cop. They were prying his fingers from his revolver at the time. It was really awesome. Not because I'm awesome, but because the conditions were awesome, and man is awesome when man uses his gifts from God in a proper way.
What do you think the best source of protein on the earth is?
Deadstuff. Deadstuff is one word, by the way, Chris. If you misspell it, I'll have to reprimand you. No. my favorite is probably venison. The backstrap. the succulent slap that resides against the spinal column of herbivores with garlic and butter. It's almost sex.
Would you have a problem, if it came down to it one day, eating another man?
Not if it meant survival. No. I wouldn't even hesitate. It'd be a damn shame, but I wouldn't hesitate. Whatever it takes to live.
I heard one of my friends went to your show in San Diego.
I bet he's still fuming with exaltations. Did he tell you I'm the funniest motherfucker in the world?
He said you're a good aim.
No doubt I am. I shoot my bow and arrow on stage. I've been doing that since like 1963. And during the one encore, "Great White Buffalo," I shoot a flaming arrow at one of my guitars hung up in the amplifiers and blow it to smithereens every night.
Have you ever missed?
Yes. I missed twice. That's in, I don't know, 4,000 concerts. I think I almost killed a guy once. It was beautiful. The arrow went through the speakers and stuck in the wall. It was cute.
You know there's a skateboarder by the name of Don Ngyuen. They call him the Nuge.
He better be good.
A gook! You gotta love that. I've always had this thing for gooks. You gotta love gooks. Fuckin' little tunnel-diggin' monkeys. I think they're so cute.
Do you have a problem with him having the same name as you?
No, not at all, man. Go nuts. Makes me proud. I love guys that dig holes to put sharp sticks in to kill assholes. You got to love those little monkeys.
Did you steal the show every night from KISS?
Oh, absolutely. There's no question about that. Just phenomenal. You know, you can't beat cartoons. Cartoons are cool, and I give KISS credit for being the ultimate cartoon band.
Do you get more pussy than Gene Simmons?
Per pound, he's got me beat. Probably a hundredfold. But I don't consider that pussy. He is the fat-mama king. I wouldn't fuck those girls with your dick, okay?
I'd just put it this way. No man in the history of the world has been so privileged and blessed with more of the most beautiful, firm, buoyant, uppity, cocky, perfect babes than Uncle Ted. Guarantee it. That's all I'm going to say because I'm married, and Mrs. Nugent is a crack shot. And I don't want her shooting at my crack.