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Do you parents have your back?

I have heard stories of people's parents who kick their children out of the house at the age of 18, because they are old enough i.e. they no longer care about them after that age. They become strangers.

I find this shocking. Does this really happen? My parents have always told me that they got my back, so long as I continue my education they will continue to support me.

by Anonymousreply 4802/10/2013

So it's a conditional support.

They will support you as long as you continue your education.

Other parents will support their kids as long as they are straight.

What's the difference?

by Anonymousreply 102/09/2013

My parents never had my back butbI definitely make certain my daughter knows I'm herevforher no matter what.

by Anonymousreply 202/09/2013

My father is dead and my mother is 91. So I kind of have to have HER back.

by Anonymousreply 302/09/2013

First of all, they need to be responsible and either going to school and or working. I don't expect rent, but pitching in around the house is expected.

My 19 year old has burned too many bridges and can no longer live in my house. But his behaviors were pretty extreme. If that weren't the case, I would have no problem with him still living here.

by Anonymousreply 402/09/2013

In days past, an 18 year-old could work and make enough money to rent an apartment with a roommate. Today that's not really an option, and many places won't rent to someone that young.

by Anonymousreply 502/09/2013

Telling your kids to go make it on their own doesn't mean you don't care about them -- it means that you believe you've prepared them to function in the world & you have confidence in their ability to survive. Like birds pushing fledglings out of the nest -- fly away & be free!

Anderson Cooper says that his parents agreed to put their kids through college, & then they were on their own. He's done pretty well without being propped up by Vanderbilt money -- too many trust fund babies turn into unmotivated drug addicts or perpetual "students" just taking up space in universities.

I think the best parents devote themselves to doing whatever is necessary to teach their kids how to rely on themselves.

by Anonymousreply 602/09/2013

Is R2's post a transmission from space?

by Anonymousreply 702/09/2013

Sure, in spirit

by Anonymousreply 802/09/2013

No. When they found out I was gay, they literally disowned me.

by Anonymousreply 902/09/2013

That may be true r6, but I think Anderson Cooper had more advantages than the average white male of his generation and that's still saying alot--it may be more true today than it was even then given how out of reach financially college or university is becoming. He still had Vanderbilt connections and not just his mother's--I daresay that "old money" sticks together (although THE Mrs. Astor considered the Vanderbilts to be "new money"). And if he had stumbled along the way his mother would have provided a generous safety net, grudgingly or not. She has her reputation to think of too.

by Anonymousreply 1002/09/2013

Growing up in the '60s and '70s among six kids, we were each sent into exile upon graduation from high school. We were upperish middle-class, then lowerish middle class after the parents divorced.

My mom was Depression Era and from second-world culture. She expected her kids to contribute labor from an early age. She wanted us to be obedient, vacuum, and not drop acid. She worked her ass off. Don't get me wrong; it wasn't like the Death Camps of Tarzana at home. Dad just wanted us to bareback. So there was that.

For the first half of sibs in the '60s, it was mostly about getting rid of out-of-control, promiscuous hippies, who weren't interested in college. Also about making room for her bf(s!), and single rooms available to the growing next set, to keep the peace. There were multiple, radioactive sibling rivalries. For that generation, it was possible for a white kid to get a job, share housing or have a studio apt., and opportunities for college.

Once single, my mom pushed the rest of us out for economic reasons. Each time, we moved to a smaller apartment. As the youngest, I ended up in a 3-room flat in a shitty urban neighborhood with my mother and her latest alcoholic husband. Wanting to get the fuck out, I did well in school and got a partial scholarship to the first university of my choice. Parents promised to support but did not/could not deliver.

By then, times were tough: the economy tanked, interest rates and tuition rose exponentially, as did real estate/rentals in my area. I worked and took out loans. Took me 10 years to get my B.S..

My mom was a really nice woman who had a difficult life and allowed herself to be controlled by men. It was not her decision to have so many spawn. She really didn't have our backs, nor did our crappy father. But there was always food on the table and a warm place to sleep... until age 18.

So yes, kicking kids out can happen. Reasons vary. As "adults," each of us were mostly alienated from our parents for at least a decade or two. She was over being a mother and crowd-controller. Meanwhile, she finally got to see the world, and she deserved it.

Fortunately, over time, most of us evolved and became great friends until mom died.

Although I had to sometimes live in freaky rooms in scary neighborhoods and sometimes out of my car at a young age, I made it. The experience led me to become the gorgeous, pointlessly bitching and hissing eldergay that I am proud to be today. So, obviously, no regrets here.

Except for one idiot brother, my sibs each had 1 child only and they are doting parents and/or helicopter grandparents. My nieces and nephews are awesome, grateful, adults, who grew up with the confidence that their parents have their back and who will do anything for their parents when that time comes. This family structure is more like the Asian and European paradigms.

OP, be grateful that your parents are providing you intelligent guidance and at least some of the means toward a college education. No love is unconditional absolutely. Sorry. We're all human -- even your parents.

Hope you take your question along with you to any sociology, history, psychology, anthropology course requirements you might take. Human family structures have taken some twists and turns!

So, goodnight, Billy. If you're a good twink, you'll post a picture of your naked self -- only if you're over 18. If someone touches you inappropriately and you don't want it, don't say yes even if they promise to send you to Harvard in a Camero.

by Anonymousreply 1102/09/2013

I'm 59. My parents expected my siblings and myself to move out and take care of ourselves after college- and of course if any if us (or their grandchildren) needed help or got into trouble they did everything in their power to help.

by Anonymousreply 1202/09/2013

R11, hon, no one in the entire world wants to read all that bullshit about what you think about your parents.

This is one of many reasons why you are a lonely eldergay.

by Anonymousreply 1302/09/2013

The length of R11's post caused the Sun to evolve into a red giant.

by Anonymousreply 1402/09/2013

Loving R14. Uatu's barely exaggerating. That might be the longest non-copy-paste-from-article response I've ever seen. Who the fuck has the time to read that?

by Anonymousreply 1502/09/2013

[quote]Anderson Cooper says that his parents agreed to put their kids through college, & then they were on their own.

That little trust fund queen is trying to tell others about toughing it out in the real world??? LMFAO!!! Wow, he's delusional and his fans are delusional if they actually believe his parents didn't help him out.

by Anonymousreply 1602/09/2013

I thought the OP's title read, "Do your parents shave your back?"

I wanted to see how many of our lesbian sisters insist they stave off their Lady Schick-wielding parents so that they may remain au naturel.

by Anonymousreply 1702/09/2013

Funny story: One of my closest friends (and one of the nicest, most decent guys you could ever know - nothing at all bad about him) got kicked out of his house by his homophobic parents at 18, when they found out he was gay. His older straight asshole brother never had much to do with him. He stayed at a friends' house until he finished high school. Put himself through college and law school himself, with working and major student loans.

Flash-forward about 10 years and he's a very $ucce$$ful attorney. Quite well-off.

And guess who wants to put all that water under the bridge and be a loving family again? Yep, you guessed it, mom, dad and asshole brother. They obviously only wanted to have a relationship with him because he was swimming in cash. He told them it was too late.

Sometimes getting kicked out of the house has a somewhat happy ending.

by Anonymousreply 1802/09/2013

R18 What a wonderful story of karma actually working! Good for him for telling them too late.

by Anonymousreply 1902/09/2013

Not only would I tell them that it was "too late" and that they had their chance but to go fuck themselves in a major, painful, difficult way. They would be dead to me. No kidney for them either--die fuckers and reduce the excess population.

by Anonymousreply 2002/09/2013

Daddy always had my back....if you know what I'm saying...

by Anonymousreply 2102/09/2013

Have my back? With a knife in my case. How does being put into a psychiatric hospital for three months at the age of 15 because there were rumors about my sexuality. I ended up being housed in lock down with convicted rapists and pedophiles. Then still only 15 I was kicked out of the house so as not to embarrass my mother in our little mid western town. My father died a few years earlier. How about your mother supporting the general gay bashing you received at school, mostly notably by the administration? There was an investigation concerning my gayness at the school and my mother supported the school in it's witch hunt. Yes I am an eldergay. Ya know what? It made me stronger and a survivor although I have never gotten over it and to this day somehow don't believe this happened to me.

by Anonymousreply 2202/09/2013

I enjoyed reading R11. Do all of you have such a tiny attention span that you can't read more than a paragraph or two? Wow. •••

At any rate, WTF is * this* about in R11's post?

[quote]Dad just wanted us to bareback. So there was that.

by Anonymousreply 2302/09/2013

I don't know why the complaining about getting booted. I left as soon as I could and never went back.

by Anonymousreply 2402/09/2013

Explain the barebacking please.

by Anonymousreply 2502/10/2013

I think you're swell, R22. It was bad for me, but not that bad, but probably only because I was older. My mother would have wanted to do those things to me if she had known when I was 15.

Every time you tell your story, it helps someone. Today it helped me to know I'm not alone.

by Anonymousreply 2602/10/2013

My mom has always had mine. She only ever wants to know that I am honestly making as much of an effort as anyone should be expected to. It has been hard and having recently graduated from a masters program and only finding work that I could have done without finishing my undergrad degree, she has really helped me hold it together.

I do understand the parents that want to teach their kids to take care of themselves, but I think that is a lifelong lesson. I grew up in a single parent household, so having to take care of myself was something I had to learn quickly, but my mom always made sure I knew independence didn't mean going it alone. She would throw a fit if something were going wrong in my life and I neglected to tell her about it.

by Anonymousreply 2702/10/2013

[R26] Thanks for your support. Truth is this is the very first time I have ever said a single word about it to anyone. I only did so here because I am not identified. i can go for long periods of time as if it never happened, never thinking about it and then a thread like this knocks me off my feet and I am there again. The pervert in the nut house. Hard to believe I was hospitalized at a University Psychiatric facility. I tried to obtain those records a few years ago and they won't give them to you unless you tell them EXACTLY why you want those records in writing. There were a few other obstacles to obtaining them also. I forget what they were but remember the demands were more than I was willing or able to give them. I did not follow up.

by Anonymousreply 2802/10/2013

R11's post is marvelous. Those of you with attention spans too short to read it really ought to go back and give it a try.

by Anonymousreply 2902/10/2013

R11's post left me wondering "Is a "Camero" from Cameroon?" And the bareback thing, of course.

The notion of kids moving back in with mom and dad anytime after they've turned 18 is bizarre, especially if they've gotten through college. I think a big problem is that there are too many people who are too proud to go through a vocational program, for some reason. Anyone can cut hair and make a decent living (at least enough of one to not live at home any more).

My parents supported me through college (not much, financially, but they did help out). About two months after my college graduation, the car they had given me years earlier stopped working, and their response was "I'm sure you'll figure something out." That was their way of telling me I was on my own. This was only 15 years ago, too.

by Anonymousreply 3002/10/2013

I was kicked out at age 25, but I was sick and 15 pounds underweight. My mother thinks every sick person is a morally weak sissy. Is that depression-era or 19th century?

by Anonymousreply 3102/10/2013

Because I'd heard stories like R22's, I didn't come out to my parents until I was graduating from college and had a job. I'll never know for sure, but I think they would have institutionalized me or the 1990s equivalent...I suppose send me to a camp to be fixed. When I told them how long I'd known I was gay, part of their anger was that I'd kept it from them until it was too late for them to "fix" it.

So, R22, maybe someone will read your story and take the lesson I did. I think it was one of the smartest things I've ever done.

by Anonymousreply 3202/10/2013

My dad died not too long after I came out, so I'm not sure how he would be today. He and I weren't close. My sister-in-law, though, said he was really trying to understand the whole thing. My mom seemed great for a long time. I love away far away from my home town. I found out after I broke up with my ex that she would never talk about me to anyone other than to say I lived in such-and-such a city and was doing great. When I told her I was dating someone, she would change the subject, not ask anything about the guy, etc.

I confronted her several times then finally stopped speaking to her. My brother and sister-in-law, who do have my back, explained to her that they indeed thought the issue was her problem and she had only come so far. She finally apologized and we have somewhat of a relationship now, but it will never be the same. I know deep down she is still ashamed of who I am, and unfortunately she is the type of person who will never change. So no, I don't think she has my back, but the rest of my family does, including my uncle who is her brother. It's her problem as far as I'm concerned, but it still hurts to know your only living parent doesn't have your back.

by Anonymousreply 3302/10/2013

I did the exact same thing you did, R32, for all the same reasons. If I'd been under their power or influence in even the slightest way...

by Anonymousreply 3402/10/2013

My parents made it very clear to me that, after I graduated from high school, that was it. I was on my own. I didn't know what to do, so I went into the Army. Big mistake. But I survived, I made my own way, and I'm the better for it.

Kids today are pussies. I recommend a draft, and conscientious objectors can go into the Peace Corps or Vista. That will be a serious reality check for all the kids with helicopter parents.

by Anonymousreply 3502/10/2013

My mother had lots of problems (financial, health, etc) later in her life so I tend to think that we had each other's backs. I know she always appreciated the help I provided to her and she respected me for my efforts. I was 'the baby' in the family and my brothers all had famlies of their own, so caring for my mother fell to me more than them. And I have no regrets about any of it.

One of my nephews is now 20 and to date has relied more on the help of others than in getting his act together to become his own man. Now he's struggling to figure out how to be financially responsible on his own and to get his act together (his father/my brother died eight years ago and unfortunately his mother is not the best example to follow).

I've had his back, but as someone said upthread, sometimes you have to also let people grow themselves too. I'm saying 'No' to the requests now more than ever and trying to encourage him to save for what he wants/needs and to work harder (more hours, find better paying jobs, get more education) so that he can stand on his own two feet like most of us do.

by Anonymousreply 3602/10/2013

yep and i am grateful as i know so many people's parents don't.Life's hard enough without shitty parents.

by Anonymousreply 3702/10/2013

My family was in the hotel business in NYC when I was 17 and I was allowed to live there. My Dad gave me back the rent I paid him from the styrofoam cup job I had after school to tide me over till I got a job. My great aunt Jenny, who was 99, lived at the hotel and she and I would sit in the lobby and talk every evening. Later, my mother tried to set me up in business by taking over my great uncle's engineering business but I begged off. I just wanted to work a menial job and have fun. I would hang out at the Nedicks near the hotel and one night I brought the cook back to my room. The desk clerk told my closeted Uncle and he had me kicked out. And that's how I got my reputation in the family as a male prostitute. But I was just really gay. I wasn't charging anyone. My Dad stood up for me and said told me privately that his brother used to get into bed with him when he was a kid. "My kid ain't no whore," he told him. Go Dad!

by Anonymousreply 3802/10/2013

Thrown out on my 18th bd. Not for being gay either, I'm a straight girl. Was hated by m & stepf & beaten. Grew up 60's/70's.

Had a very very tough life till I met my husband in 2000. Now living the burbs, pool, pets (no kids).

Worth all the hell in the world to meet him and live my finally cushy-ish life & not working anymore either. Happy.

by Anonymousreply 3902/10/2013

My parents didn't give a fuck about any of us. They did what they thought parents were supposed to, but beyond that we were only useful to them if we could do things for them or as an outlet for some crazy Christmas gifts.

by Anonymousreply 4002/10/2013

[quote]I love away far away from my home town.

Freudian slip of the year, R33. True for me, too, and for so many of us.

by Anonymousreply 4102/10/2013

Yes. I'm much closer with my mom, but my dad is supportive and accepting in his own way. I am moving back home (after 10 years in LA) to rekindle relationships with my family and pay back my parents for giving me so much over the course of my life. I want to be there for them now. (only child here).

by Anonymousreply 4202/10/2013

R42 here. I should clarify, I am not moving INTO their home. Just to the same state.

by Anonymousreply 4302/10/2013

Yes they do. More so than my siblings. They are also more protective of me because I'm gay. I'm not saying that's fair to my straight siblings but that's the way it is.

by Anonymousreply 4402/10/2013

My parents are not people I would hit up financially, but they are smart and have good judgment and I trust them. I don't know how they can cope with so much of the world they grew up with having disappeared, but somehow they do.

by Anonymousreply 4502/10/2013

They have my back and I demand it be returned to me.

by Anonymousreply 4602/10/2013

Parents ever wanted me and don't have my back. Haven't spoken to them in years. Will not attend their funerals.

by Anonymousreply 4702/10/2013

Paternal unit was a pedo. The title of this thread set me off. But the topic is sociologically interesting.

Am working another 6 week job on a ship out in the cold N. Pacific. Hardly lonely, except at night sometimes. Yes, I am of the eldergay persuasion. It does get boring at night in my profession. The extended family members I've acquired over the years have my back. The crew I'm working with now have my back. And I've got theirs.

Parental bonds needn't always be the strongest, but it's great when kids like you have cool parents, OP. US trend for educated parents seems to be fewer offspring and better parenting.

by Anonymousreply 4802/10/2013
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