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Staying with someone you know you will eventually leave

I am on my 4th extra-long term relationship with this end dynamic. I feel like the most fucked up person ever. Hell yes, I'm in therapy, and I haven't changed.

I hate hurting people.

by Anonymousreply 5302/09/2013

OP, if you truly do hate hurting people, then you should stop entering into "extra-long term" relationships with those who want such arrangements when you know that you're incapable of maintaining them.

It's quite possible to live a happy life without a partner, & it sounds like that's what you're suited for. Nothing wrong with that, but what you keep doing (4 times!) is selfish.

by Anonymousreply 102/07/2013

Get a plant.

by Anonymousreply 202/07/2013

Im the same way. I once stayed in a relationship for years even though I knew it was not the right match for me. The reason being I was too worried about hurting him. I will often go on dates with guys Im not really interested in because I feel bad for them and dont want to hurt their feelings with rejection. Of course that only makes things worse because I am totally giving them a false impression.

by Anonymousreply 302/07/2013

OP is Reese Witherspoon

by Anonymousreply 402/07/2013

Actually I am in a dual relationship with two men who don't know about each other. Been with the first guy 5 years and the second for 3. Was going to leave the first guy for the second, but now I'm just going to leave them both.

by Anonymousreply 502/07/2013

Dear God... you sound like a nightmare. Please stay far away from everyone especially me. what a douchebag.

by Anonymousreply 602/07/2013

Sounds like R5 has the potential to turn into a future Law & Order: SVU episode.

by Anonymousreply 702/07/2013

Don't throw out dirty water until you have clean!

by Anonymousreply 802/07/2013

[quote]I am on my 4th extra-long term relationship

You are either 125 or count in dog-years.

by Anonymousreply 902/07/2013

If you know you're going to leave eventually, why not just leave now? If my partner felt that way I'd want him to go. I'd be upset and angry at first but I'd get over it, not have you waste my time for another 2 years and then have to go through all that down the track anyway. Can you tell us why you stay OP? I'm curious.

by Anonymousreply 1002/07/2013

OP=selfish bitch

by Anonymousreply 1102/07/2013

How nice for you that you got to have your cake and eat it too, R5. I am sure the demise of both relationships had fuck-all to do with the fact that you were not 100% invested in either. Partners can pick up on the lack of intimacy, even though they sometimes cannot pinpoint the cause.

I hope they didn't blame themselves.

by Anonymousreply 1202/07/2013

Whores, gay whores! Shame on you superficial used asses and cocks. You should be more affectionate with your lover lame, filthy raccoons

by Anonymousreply 1302/07/2013

I left a long-term relationship of 10 years to be with guy #1 now. That person was my best friend, partner, companion...we had a lot in common and a lot of history. A true life together.


I got fucked in the head, obviously, and ruined our life with the grass-is-always-greener disease of selfishness. He finally left me after putting up with it a year.

So I've been stuck with guy #1 now (a doctor) for five years, getting my just desserts. He treats me far too well, puts up with my bullshit, pays all the bills, lets me do my own thing. Gives me plenty of room to do what I like. And I realized very early he was the REBOUND guy but I didn't want to let him go, because the perks were and still are great. And the sex is so-so.

But this all led to guy #2, who I have basically been obsessed with and in a co-dependent alcoholic relationship with for three years. He is older than me, and a fucked up type of father figure. The sex is amazing - when he can get it up. Never had a 9+ cock before. It mesmerized me. But, he is a loser, and will probably be dead within five years. However, we have the MOST fun together, we travel all over, we have much in common, we cook, travel, see concerts and shows, flea market and antiques as both buyers and sellers...we love going and seeing new things together. Guy #1 is a total homebody who only cares about football and computer games outside of his patients.

I know I can't be happy with either of them in the long term. But there has got to be someone I can love and be happy with. Someone who is both of these people, plus my previous partner of ten years, all together in one great package.

by Anonymousreply 1402/07/2013


Just what the fuck do you have to offer? You are a cheater, a liar, a user, and an ingrate.

by Anonymousreply 1502/07/2013

R5, are you also the OP? If so, my friend, I think you have some personal growth to do. Probably no relationship at all would be good got you for a few years.

by Anonymousreply 1702/07/2013

Leave you? Leave you?

How could I leave you?

How could I go it alone?

Could I wave the years away

With a quick goodbye?

How do you wipe tears away

When your eyes are dry?

by Anonymousreply 1802/07/2013

R17, yes, I'm the OP at R5.

What do I have to offer? I honestly don't know. I bring something to the table financially, I'm fun to be with, I am loving and caring. YES, it's possible to love more than one person at a time, FAGGOT or not you stupid asshole. As if heteros never find themselves in such a predicament.

However, I know I put myself in this position and I know I am hurting, or going to hurt, the ones I love. I would go with guy #2 if he wasn't sick. But he will leave me if I don't leave him first - because it is only a matter of time before he drinks himself to death.

Guy #1 is patient, kind, has a lot of potential, but is so unappealing to me, physically. We don't have much in common at all. But he is good to me.

They both would never think of cheating. And they both think I hung the moon. This is just such a mess, and it's very stressful carrying on this way. At times, I wish they would both die so that I could get off scot-free.

by Anonymousreply 1902/08/2013

What's "extra-long term" OP? Two weeks?

by Anonymousreply 2002/08/2013

If you are not married, you can come, go, stay, leave, or whatever you damn well please. However, if you make a commitment, you keep the commitment, period. You will probably be miserable after a while, and you knew that before you ever made marriage vows, but you made those vows anyway, so you act like your word means something and you stay, until one of you buries the cold dead body of the other one.

by Anonymousreply 2102/08/2013

R2 nailed it OP.

You're a fucking loser.

by Anonymousreply 2202/08/2013

Are you OK R18? Do we need to call an ambulance?

by Anonymousreply 2302/08/2013

So poetic, R21. Mary.

by Anonymousreply 2402/08/2013

If you work it right, you can persuade someone to believe that he's dumping you. Then you won't feel so guilty.

by Anonymousreply 2502/08/2013

First, OP should dump the therapist and find one who can teach him to be happy living without a relationship. OP is an emotional cripple who feels like half a person without a partner.

by Anonymousreply 2602/08/2013

It is unrealistic and entitled to demand "the perfect package" from others. Especially when you are so, so far from perfect.

by Anonymousreply 2702/08/2013

I've been in my relationship for 20 years (come August) and I want to leave, but I don't have the courage to do so. We're both financially okay, own a house together, have three sweet little dogs, love one another's families, enjoy one another's friends, but we haven't had sex in years, and I'm tired of pretending that there's a spark there at all. I love him, but I'm not sure I'm in love with him. But I don't have the guts to say, "This is over, you know that, right?"

First world problems. White people problems. Problems that aren't really problems. I know.

by Anonymousreply 2802/08/2013

Not literally perfect - just perfect for me.

by Anonymousreply 2902/08/2013

Typical gayling. "Long-term relationship" = six weeks.

by Anonymousreply 3002/08/2013

how old are you Scout? three of my friends, two gay couples, one straight, are in the same boat. All married about 15-20 years and out of love, no sex, unhappy. All stay out of fear - fearing various scenarios. My advice is that they are only hurting each other by staying. life is short. and to be true to yourself. But I doubt any of them will actually take the leap.

by Anonymousreply 3102/08/2013

[quote]I bring something to the table financially, I'm fun to be with, I am loving and caring.

Financially? You started by saying #1 pays your bills, you fucking deadbeat.

Who is getting this fun, this loving and caring? #1 or #2? Because you obviously don't love or care for #1 enough to leave him (then again, he pays the bills), nor do you care enough to really commit to #2, writing him off as likely to die in several years.

You are really a dreadful person. Both of them should dump you, preferably at the same time, while laughing and high-fiving each other. You cunt.

by Anonymousreply 3202/08/2013

OP, whatever allure you think you have, you don't. You managed to snag a physically unappealing introvert who wants a companion more than a partner (while he plays computer games and watches football) and an alcoholic who wants to feel like he's living in the real world (he isn't). One pays the bills, one plays drunken daddy (I'm guessing it's a similar role to your actual dad). I think all three of you are getting exactly what you deserve. You should stay invested as long as they are.

Grass Is Always Greener types ALWAYS end up unhappy and alone. Musical chairs is fun until the music finally stops for good.

by Anonymousreply 3302/08/2013

Not to join the pile-on, but you really are just a pathetic nothing, OP. You are the worst sort of person, a cypher, a void. You have nothing to offer anyone, and you know it.

I mean, it's only a matter of time before you kill yourself. (Or should, anyway.)

by Anonymousreply 3402/08/2013

Now, see R34 you were doing fine until this

[quote]I mean, it's only a matter of time before you kill yourself. (Or should, anyway.)

I just despise people who wish that on anyone.

by Anonymousreply 3502/08/2013

R33, you are correct in most of what you say.

And no, I don't think I should kill myself. I do A LOT, a fucking LOT, for both of these men. They are both total losers in their own way. #1 is lucky to be with someone who looks like I do; someone who shows him far more of the world than the little box he would remain in if I didn't.

And #2 is lucky to have me, period. While he's physically more attractive than me, I make up for it with my youth and vivaciousness. R33 is right; I make him feel alive. While he can be.

by Anonymousreply 3602/08/2013

Interesting how you're so quick to call THEM total losers, yet you also agree with a poster who basically called YOU a total loser.

You have got to be the dumbest cunt ever.

by Anonymousreply 3702/08/2013

No one's perfect.

by Anonymousreply 3802/09/2013


You sound ugly

by Anonymousreply 3902/09/2013

Years of hanging on...

To dreams already gone...

by Anonymousreply 4002/09/2013

Damn, OP -- what a fucking narcissist you are! Thinking that you are controlling these two men, and that neither of of them would ever leave you!

You may not realize it, but you have no control over ANYONE -- you just THINK you do. These men have chosen what their relationships with you are like -- and they can UNchoose that as well. Make sure you have some $ in the bank and a place to go if/when that happens, because there's no guarantee that anyone else is going to take you in.

Doctors meet a LOT of people -- who's to say yours might not fall in love with his intellectual equal and dispose of his boytoy (which is obviously what you are)? And who's to say that the alcoholic might not get sober and dump you for someone kinder to him who understands and loves him?

OP, nothing has been known to cure a personality disorder, and your contempt for both of these men as being somehow "lesser than" you is evident. But the day will come when you're old and ugly, and you won't be able to do this to people anymore.

May that day come soon.

by Anonymousreply 4102/09/2013

To stay with someone out of whatever reason while letting your partner think you love them back is just reprehensible.

An ex of mine from long ago, when we were catching up, told me he recently left a guy he'd been with for a decade. Said he entered into the arrangement because he was coming off a bad break up and didn't want to be alone.

"I told myself I'd stay for two years … and two years became ten very quickly."

That's sick.

by Anonymousreply 4202/09/2013

You misunderstand. I DO love them both.

by Anonymousreply 4302/09/2013

people like the OP should just stay single

by Anonymousreply 4402/09/2013

Yeah -- like PETS.

by Anonymousreply 4502/09/2013

The pile-on continues...

What r41 said.

OP, you (and some posters here) think you are succeeding at deceiving your partners, but believe me, at some level, they do know the score.

The fact that you even post this tells me that deep down you're unhappy that you behave this way.

That's to your credit. Grasp whatever it is in you and build upon that to change.

I've been where you are: young, fun, good-looking and the one in whatever partnership I was in that for a while anyway, held the upper hand, so I recognize you. I broke hearts, but now older and no longer desirable, I'm broken.

Again, heed r41.

by Anonymousreply 4602/09/2013

I'm not that young; I'm 38. they are both ten years older than me.

I was in my first LTR for nearly ten years; but since then, I am just so indecisive. I get certain feelings/things out of each relationship and I'm not ready to give them up. Life WILL be harder. But it cannot go on this way, I do know that, and yes I feel like a piece of shit.

by Anonymousreply 4702/09/2013

Maybe you should introduce them to each other, then say "See ya."

by Anonymousreply 4802/09/2013

Are you extremely hot, OP? Do you have an enormous dick?

If not, I can't imagine why either one of your partners would put up with your bullshit and mind fuckery. That is, unless they are both as fucked up as you.

by Anonymousreply 4902/09/2013

At least it's positive that you can feel something for the people you are going to hurt OP

Think it over, don't be a coward to think.

by Anonymousreply 5002/09/2013

R30 is clearly confused. This thread reeks of the eldergay.

by Anonymousreply 5102/09/2013

"I love him, but I'm not sure I'm in love with him."

How did you fall out of love with him, Scout? Does he beat or belittle you? Has his personality changed a lot over the years? If he's the same person you fell in love with all those years ago, you should still be in love with him now. (If his older body repulses you enough to kill 'love', then it wasn't love in the first place.)

by Anonymousreply 5202/09/2013

We cannot have everything in this life.

At some point, you have to choose.

Then choose to be happy.

Sex goes away for everyone at a certain point, no matter what your situation. But if you have a supportive partner, someone who truly loves you for who you are, it really takes your life to the next level.

by Anonymousreply 5302/09/2013
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