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I hate my friend Janet

We met at work several years ago and became friendly. She was smart, funny, and interesting. There's a fascinating edge there. I left to go work somewhere else but we stayed in touch. We go out for drinks and email and so on.

The problem is that she is one angry bitch. She's from a very poor, trashy, trailer park background (by her own admission) and more or less raised herself (mentally ill mother, asshole father. She spent her teens and 20s being a punk rocker, working in bars, and generally being a badass. She eventually went to college, got decent jobs, and started writing. But she's still so angry and hates pretty much everyone and everything.

She's never happy at work. There's always a multitude of problems and everyone is a hater and out to get her.

She's extremely class conscious. To her, everyone with a middle class or higher upbringing is a rich bitch, or a trust fund brat, or a spoiled prick who doesn't work as hard as she does, or are as smart as she is, or are as cool, or as street, or as badass, etc. To her everyone got where they are and have what they have because of connections (that she doesn't have) and not because of effort.

And she particularly hates other women who are prettier and younger than her (no matter how nice or smart they are). To her they're all just brainless sluts sleeping their way through life.

When we get together for drinks the conversation is mostly one-sided. It's her bitching and moaning about work, her boyfriend (who recently dumped her), her family, the cycling community she's part of, etc. I get maybe a couple of minutes to tell her what's new with me but she's clearly not interested. She likes going out with me because I'm not intimidated by her and I listen to her. Or maybe I just haven't dumped her ass like most other people in her life.

So why do I still see her? I'm not sure. I like her edge and she is smart and can be quite funny. And she takes me to the most interesting bars. But I always leave her feeling drained and negative myself.

Do you have friends like this? How do I gently remove myself from this friendship?

by Doormatreply 2801/24/2013

She sounds like a real cunt!

by Doormatreply 101/23/2013

Have a gentle, honest conversation with her.

She may change or she may dump you.

Either way, solves your problem.

Are you a gay man?

by Doormatreply 201/23/2013

Your friend would sound awesome even if she wasn't my sister, Doormat.

by Doormatreply 301/23/2013

What happened to Julie?

Seriously, OP, I have a friend like that too. I remember her being fun when I met her but lately it's bitch, bitch, bitch about everything. She's always complaining and bitches to the waiters at restaurants about something or other to the point it's embarrassing. I usually leave a big tip. She goes on about myriad doctors appointments and her health. She talks non-stop about herself and is always trying to tell me what to do with my life. She's controlling to the extreme. I've actually started avoiding her and making up excuses for not seeing her. Of course it's easier now because I started dating someone.

by Doormatreply 401/23/2013

I have a friend who's a bit like Janet. At times he seems like nothing more than the huge pile of resentments he's carried around with him all these years. But he's also hysterically funny: there are very few people I can spend an hour on the phone with -- we live in different cities -- and he is one of them.

But OMG, you take him out in public, and he goes wild with waiters and sales clerks. At one point, his other best friend (one of his ex-husbands) and I had to do a "retail" intervention with him.

One on one, he's the kind of person who is never wrong, who'd rather be right than happy, so two of us telling him the same things at the same time was actually very effective. He has been a joy to go to restaurants with ever since.

I decided long ago to take the bad with the good, and the relationship has had more of the good, I'd say.

by Doormatreply 501/23/2013

If you like hanging out with her, take her to the next gun show.

by Doormatreply 601/23/2013

Yes, I'm a gay man. I do like interesting, edgy, strong people who have opinions and do interesting things.

She can be fun and pleasant company when she's in good spirits. But that's rare and getting rarer. The constant negativity is getting to me. It's not fun anymore.

by Doormatreply 701/23/2013

I had a friend like that. Actually he was my best friend in high school and a few of the years following. He dropped out of school and I think that fueled a lot of the problems that began to develop between us. He would put down the friends I made at college and tell me I was wasting my time getting a degree. Gradually he became an ubber right wing nut and racist. Eventually I just stopped returning his calls. After few months he took the hint. Of course I heard through the grapevine how he was now bad mouthing me, but I really didn't care. While he was very entertaining and funny, it wasnt worth the negativity he brought to every encounter. There are plenty of entertaining and funny people in my life. I dont need another one who will drop the N-bomb with ease and go on rants about the Jews like some drunken Mel Gibson.

by Doormatreply 801/23/2013

Has she always been like this OP?

It sounds like she has taken her insecurities and made them into talking points.

I think R2 has the best idea. You'll be happier either way the talk goes.

by Doormatreply 901/23/2013

I find most people who claim to be poor growing up are not, and that they had substantially the same opportunities as me.

by Doormatreply 1001/23/2013

It's always interesting when we're out and we run into one of her equally edgy "friends." These people seem perfectly nice to me and I'd like to get to know some of them better. But they're all a bit wary of her and make their excuses and leave us. When they're gone she regales me with stories about them. About how awful they are, they're poseurs, they're haters, and so on.

I can only imagine what she says about me.

by Doormatreply 1101/23/2013

Miss Jackson if yo nasty!

by Doormatreply 1201/23/2013

OP, you should use an exaggerated version of her in your own writ--oh wait

by Doormatreply 1301/23/2013

[quote]I can only imagine what she says about me.

The next time that happens, you should say that to her. Its a great way to, in a passive aggressive way, let her know you dont approve and find her behavior to be troubling to the point where you may ditch her. See how she reacts.

by Doormatreply 1401/23/2013

I had a friend like that years ago, a co-worker who latched onto me actually. Her life was FULL of drama, both before, during, and after I knew her. She was okay with gays, at least white, gentile ones, as she was incredibly racist and anti-Semetic. She hated our workplace, eventually being suspended after an incident that would've surely lead to termination, had she not resigned first. There's a saying among New Thought people that you can get what you really want (from the universe), but if you're full of negativity, it won't be "under Grace in a perfect way" as it's often put. Well, she benefited materially for a while after that job from her involvement with a rich guy on the rebound from his longtime marriage, who more-or-less "kept" her. Yes, you guessed it! He dumped her for someone else, and last I heard from her, she was going blind. That was a letter I did not answer as I'd moved away.

by Doormatreply 1501/23/2013

After 15 years I kicked what I thought was my best friend and a "Janet" to the curb to save myself. People like that take from you to appease their own inner beast.

by Doormatreply 1601/23/2013

She is ashamed of her background and probably other things and tries to cover it up by being a venomous bitch.

by Doormatreply 1701/23/2013


by Doormatreply 1801/23/2013


OP, I know you hate women, but must you troll here looking for comrades?

by Doormatreply 1901/23/2013

Damn it Janet!

by Doormatreply 2001/23/2013

She sounds unhappy and needs an outlet. She has found an unhealthy outlet in the way she talks and acts. I disagree with being passive aggressive to her. Just be a good person yourself and tell her what you told us, that you love her good qualities, tell her what they are and be honest about what your concerns are. Tell her you want to spend time with the lady you enjoyed when you first started hanging out. She probably needs a therapist to help her deal with her anger issues and you could suggest that from a place of caring.

by Doormatreply 2101/23/2013

She sounds nasty, but she's no Julie!

by Doormatreply 2201/23/2013

OP = La Toya

by Doormatreply 2301/23/2013

She's been in therapy for years. She got pissed off at her last therapist (she's a useless twat) and is now looking for a new one.

She's also looking for a new GP since the last one pissed her off somehow too.

by Doormatreply 2401/24/2013

Have a "best friend" like that and from reading the other comments it seems these types of people aren't so uncommon. It's a weird combination of charisma/power that can be entertaining for awhile until you realize that you're just being used for your value as an audience. They have no interest in you or your life and can be obvious about it yet you still hang in with them because they're likeable, entertaining, and emotionally facile. They say they really like you, even "love" you but it's a bone they're throwing you in order to keep you involved with them. When push comes to shove, is she ever there for you? Or does she make excuses that at first seem plausible but then you realize they're the same excuses over and over? Is she happy to take but never gives? If so, why hang around with her when there's nothing in it for you? If you stopped calling/e-mailing her, would she contact you? Or would you just likely be dropped? It's what I did to my so-called "friend" and guess what? I almost never hear from him, let alone see him--unless he wants something, but he never wants to talk with me for my companionship, just to bitch and talk at. I make very little effort in return and if he comes or goes, it no longer matters. His loss, I figure.

by Doormatreply 2501/24/2013

And here's a secret...

Janet hates you too.

by Doormatreply 2601/24/2013

When I was younger and had lower self-esteem, I used to be friends with one or two women who were very similar to Janet. It was initially fun ("Wow, someone this opinionated and strong wants to be friends with ME!") but then I got to the point where I was tired of just sitting there listening when I wanted to be doing other things with my life.

by Doormatreply 2701/24/2013

She should adopt an abused little girl. I had it tough, growing up and living in the Chicago projects. I has a pretty jaded outlook on life till that little girl touched my heart and made me a changed woman.

by Doormatreply 2801/24/2013
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