For a start, the last supper would have been on prime-time.
How would Christianity have been different if DataLounge were the Bible?
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 126||01/20/2013|
Verse numbers would be replaced with penis sizes.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 1||01/18/2013|
There would be no Christianity and no Bible.
Once the Bible was posted, someone would immediately have posted: "This never happened."
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 2||01/18/2013|
So much better before the Fall.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 3||01/18/2013|
The Immaculate Conception would be called out as an EST.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 4||01/18/2013|
There would be more than one Mary's.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 5||01/18/2013|
Cheryl's pussy would STILL stink.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 6||01/18/2013|
Water would be turned into wine for the eldergays. For the gaylings, water would be turned into thick salty jizz.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 7||01/18/2013|
This bible is useless without pix.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 8||01/18/2013|
Loaves and fishes would be replaced with bread pudding and turkey meatballs.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 9||01/18/2013|
sinners would be punished with the SHITBRA!
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 10||01/18/2013|
The Passion in the Garden would be the name of a cruising spot.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 11||01/18/2013|
Instead of fishes and loaves, the masses would be served cak and a container of icing.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 12||01/18/2013|
[quote]Instead of fishes and loaves, the masses would be served cak and a container of icing.
Not just a container, but a WHOLE CAN!
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 13||01/18/2013|
Fish-fraus and loads would replace fishes and loaves.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 14||01/18/2013|
The most popular parts would be the Gospel According to Matthew Bomer and the Gospel According to Luke Macfarlane.
Nobody would like the Gospel According to John Travolta.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 15||01/18/2013|
Hopefully DL posters would have the intelligence to see the ridiculousness of Sky Faerie Worship.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 16||01/18/2013|
The Red Sea would have been parted by RuPaul saying "Sashay....away!"
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 17||01/18/2013|
You're a whore darling would replace Amen.
It would feature the Gospel of Carol Channing and the corn, when did I eat corn? tale.
The filthy whirlpool of WeHo's San Vicente Inn (does the place even exist anymore?) would be a holy shrine.
Thank You For Being A Friend would be a popular hymn.
Saint Doroty, Saint Sophia, Saint Blanche, ... and Saint Bette White
Matt Damon's ass would be the holy cross.
Kirker suffered for our pointless bitchery.
David Ehrenstein would be the prophet everybody mocked.
Fibromyalgia would be one of the plagues of Palm Springs.
The Last Supper would be the Last Brunch.
Jesus would be a 'gay for pay' stripper on a strip club tour. Judas would be a Log Cabin Republican.
Marie Magdalene would be a Sean Cody model (Patrick, Jamie, or Brandon).
Walk of Shame would replace the walk through the desert.
The Crucifiction would be a LipSync for your Life battle.
The Devil would be Cheryl.
Prancing Ponies are the harbinger of the apocalypse.
'those free of sins shall be the first to punch and delete'.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 18||01/18/2013|
Revelations would document the struggle between the righteous Madonna followers and the evil Jan-bot followers, showing their allegiance with a 'wardrobe malfunction'
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 19||01/18/2013|
Mary Magdalene would wear a shit-bra.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 20||01/18/2013|
[all posts by right wing shit-stain # a removed.]
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 21||01/18/2013|
Lisa Whelchel would serve Whataburgers at the Last Brunch.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 22||01/18/2013|
Well, they already wore caftans, so the wardrobe would be the same. I guess the apostles would have to wear earrings.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 23||01/18/2013|
Methusala, queen of the eldergays!
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 24||01/18/2013|
Umpy would be a wise man.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 25||01/18/2013|
There would be a whole book of the bible dedicated to Golden Girls inconsistencies.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 26||01/18/2013|
John the Baptist would be Juan, The Blatino Husbear
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 27||01/18/2013|
Somebody would bitch about that crying baby in the manger.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 28||01/18/2013|
Noah's ark would be overrun with cats.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 29||01/18/2013|
Adam and Eve would be Harry Styles and Nick Grimshaw. Taylor Swift would be Lilith.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 30||01/18/2013|
Three wise eldergays would bring gifts of poppers, meth, and an novel by Armistead Maupin
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 31||01/18/2013|
Anne Hathaway would be competing for Best Performance by a Leper in a Supporting Role.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 32||01/18/2013|
I wonder what ever happened with Abraham's hot nephew and his bitch wife?
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 33||01/18/2013|
Jesus' brow would have been wiped by a frau.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 34||01/18/2013|
Judith, Ruth, Deborah, Eve, Sarah and every Mary would have fibromyalgia.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 35||01/18/2013|
Joseph's coat of many colors would be fiercely ridiculed.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 36||01/18/2013|
Well, for one thing, absolutely nothing would be different at the Vatican.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 37||01/18/2013|
Only New Yorkers get into heaven.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 38||01/18/2013|
no, r18. The devil would be MHB. Great list.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 39||01/18/2013|
Surprise flaccid penis pics during all the baptisms.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 40||01/18/2013|
'Pointless bitchery' as a beatitude.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 41||01/18/2013|
R28 would be burned at the stake and her ashes fed to pigs, just on principle. In fact, if it were possible....
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 42||01/18/2013|
The Beloved Disciple's Twelve-Load Weekend!
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 43||01/18/2013|
The Resurrection would have culminated with Sunday Brunch.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 44||01/18/2013|
"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want," loses its stature as the best-known bible verse to this gem, Ezekiel 23:20: "She lusted after her paramours, whose genitals are like those of donkeys, and whose emissions are like those of horses."
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 45||01/18/2013|
The Last Supper would instead be the last feeding of the Sows At The Trough.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 46||01/18/2013|
The Last Supper would have been all-natural artisanal no-yeast peasant focaccia and a nice Olive-tinis.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 47||01/18/2013|
Veronica's Veil would have proven to be the result of makeup.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 48||01/18/2013|
Zacchaeus, the wee little publican who climbed the tree to see Jesus preach, would bear an uncanny resemblance to Leslie Jordan.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 49||01/18/2013|
And dont EVEN get me going on Jesus washing his disciples feet!
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 50||01/18/2013|
Mirror Ball Chandeliers in St. Peter's!!!!!
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 51||01/18/2013|
There would be endless threads about the Last Supper and who was bringing what, with reminders like, "Nothing with cilantro, please. It exacerbates Mary Magdalene's fibromyalgia."
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 52||01/18/2013|
Jesus would have never been crucified.
When the throng of men tried to nail Jesus to the cross, Nan Mychganwomyn would have frightened them off by yelling, "Man on the land! Man on the land!"
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 53||01/18/2013|
Abraham's wife Sarah: the first frau!
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 54||01/18/2013|
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 55||01/18/2013|
Instead of Judas Iscariot and Pontius Pilate, there would be David Ehrenstein and Judy Pills Garland.
Instead of Cain and Abel, it would be Kirker and Umpy.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 56||01/18/2013|
The bread at the Last Brunch would be not event toast.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 57||01/18/2013|
Jesus rising from the dead would become the greatest EST ever told
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 58||01/18/2013|
[R49], Zacchaeus would be the neighborhood gargoyle.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 59||01/18/2013|
The Dead Sea scrolls would hold all the secrets to the Golden Girls' inconsistencies.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 60||01/18/2013|
Adam & Eve would finally be Adam & Steve.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 61||01/18/2013|
Satan would be a hissing eldergay.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 62||01/18/2013|
Jonah would have swallowed the whale
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 63||01/19/2013|
"O Little Town of Sodom" would be a popular Xmas carol
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 64||01/19/2013|
One of the 10 Plagues of Egypt would be possums in bathroom cabinet drawers.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 65||01/19/2013|
angels presenting their halos
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 66||01/19/2013|
Sodom & Gomorrah would consolidate to become the Holy City.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 67||01/19/2013|
Circumcision would be an abomination.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 68||01/19/2013|
Jesus would turn over the tables in the temple because he didn't like the cutlery.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 69||01/19/2013|
Feuding tribes would align with either Duke's or Hellman's mayonnaise.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 70||01/19/2013|
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 71||01/19/2013|
Judas was an insatiable bottom.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 72||01/19/2013|
Sara would turn into a pillar of scented candle.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 73||01/19/2013|
Judas would be stereotyped as a greedy Jew.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 74||01/19/2013|
Instead of the sign of the cross, Christians would begin and end prayers by making a "dialing the phone with a pencil" gesture.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 75||01/19/2013|
Ezekiel saw his heels way up in the middle of the air
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 76||01/19/2013|
After the Fall of Man in the Garden of Eden, the gays would shrug, disrobe, and par-tay.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 77||01/19/2013|
God Dates Fags
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 78||01/19/2013|
at least once in every Perry Mason court scene you'd hear "post pics of your cock on the bible. do you swear to tell the truth, the hole truth and nothing butt the truth, so help you Mary?"
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 79||01/19/2013|
All of the apostles would be authenticated, except for Judas.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 80||01/19/2013|
Fornication would get you a mere slap on your limp wrist.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 81||01/19/2013|
The crosses that 90% of the people here are bearing would be put to actual use.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 82||01/19/2013|
in parts of Appalachia trouser snake handlers can still be found in some churches
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 83||01/19/2013|
As a rascally prank, Jesus would spike the wine with HFCS.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 84||01/19/2013|
Jesus would fall into a suicidal depression after realizing that even he could not heal fibromyalgia.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 85||01/19/2013|
Feb.3 would be a High Holiday
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 86||01/19/2013|
I am a Christian and I do believe in the bible. Gay sex is in the bible. Unfortunately for people who want to change it or don't agree with it, the bible is an ancient text over 3,000 years old. I'm quite sure every single generation since then has been debating or questioning it.
Having said that, I do believe people can be gay: born that way, a learned behavior or experimenting. It's one of those unexplainable things in life.
The human body is amazing and everything works for a purpose. The vagina is self cleaning. Who can explain why the rectum needs to be cleaned before having that type of sex? Why gay people can't reproduce? We don't have the answers but this doesn't mean that gay people should be discriminated against.
What someone does in the privacy of their own lives is none of my business and treat gay people just like I want to be treated.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 87||01/19/2013|
The Holy Trinity would be Dorothy, Rose and Blanche.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 88||01/19/2013|
Yes, r86, but instead of the priest putting candles around your throat, he'd put his cock in your mouth.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 89||01/19/2013|
Roberts Oral University would be Ivy League
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 90||01/19/2013|
"Father, why do you forsake me?" Jesus looked up into the sky and wondered.
"I have clearly stated my boundaries!" Came the reply
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 91||01/19/2013|
Thread Watcher would be our excuse to trash each other's animal skin, wool and linen outfits.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 92||01/19/2013|
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 93||01/19/2013|
Jesus wept as he typed.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 94||01/19/2013|
THEATER GOSPEL #863 - "Davey does Goliath" Edition
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 95||01/19/2013|
from worst to best: Hell, Heaven, Pervatory
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 96||01/19/2013|
Moses would part the Margarine Fountain.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 97||01/19/2013|
And Jani Layne died for our sins (one night stands.. "GET OUT!!!")
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 98||01/19/2013|
The Christ child would be born in mother's basement.
The woman caught in adultery would be told "You GO gurl!"
Readers would complain "This book is useless without icons."
Bible covers would bear a droll blurb by Gore Vidal.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 99||01/19/2013|
to convince Doubting Thomas, Jesus displayed his Verificata
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 100||01/19/2013|
One of the apostles would shriek, "Jesus, you in trouble, girl!" as he gets led away to his trial.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 101||01/19/2013|
The Book of Genesis would be All About Eve.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 102||01/19/2013|
Forty days in the wilderness would be spent in flyover country.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 103||01/19/2013|
AnnE Hathaway would die on the cross for our sins.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 104||01/19/2013|
R87, dear one, I appreciate your apparent intentions, but around here ain't no one is going to buy the notion that vaginas are self-cleaning, not with what we're having to choke on from our straight sisters visiting here and announcing their limited or qualified "tolerance" for gay rights, gay behavior, or gay sexuality.
We smell them through our wireless connections, dear one.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 105||01/19/2013|
r87 is right! And I'm the dame who can prove it!
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 106||01/19/2013|
Tammy Faye Bakker would be the face of CoeCoe Cosmetics
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 107||01/19/2013|
[all posts by right wing shit-stain # a removed.]
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 108||01/19/2013|
Thou shall have Drinkie Poos on Fridays.
Thou let Julianne Moore be always in the middle. Seriously.
Why are me so stupid? replaces Father, why have you forsaken me?
Judas' Kiss would be a punch and delete motion.
Pictures and youtube clips would be embedded.
The famous last supper painting would be a depiction of a Once Around The Garden procession.
Webmaster is God!
People would be executed by getting thrown into a grease fire.
Lord, give me strength to dial the telephone with a pencil.
Sodom and Gomorrah would have been Log Cabin Republicans' headquarters.
Bible: The Musical by Stephen Sondheim.
Providence, New Hampshire would be Bethlehem.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 109||01/19/2013|
Let's pretend we're in the Book of Revelations!
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 110||01/19/2013|
"And Sarah the Hausfrau laughed"
"I don't see anything wrong with Lot offering his daughters to be raped by his neighbors who wanted the Angels instead; everyone knows the Angels were just too hot to be given to those troll Sodomites"
"Foreskin's collapse is complete!"
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 111||01/19/2013|
The loaves would be stored in the fridge and no one would care about the fishes.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 112||01/19/2013|
On good friday, Jesus would be going 'once around the garden' of Gethsemane.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 113||01/19/2013|
Let's watch the Christians be thrown to the lions! You know Mama's mussy gets wetter than the rain forest when she sees cagemeat!
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 114||01/19/2013|
Any and all of Joshua's wars would be justified with the phrase, "For they were tacky and we hated them."
The Babylonians would be forgiven for they possessed sizemeat and cum gutters.
Any gossip from Paul would be dismissed as a blatant rip-off made by an Olmec head without attribution.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 115||01/19/2013|
[quote] The Babylonians would be forgiven for they possessed sizemeat and cum gutters.
However, there would be passages dedicated to verificata of sizemeat
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 116||01/19/2013|
[all posts by right wing shit-stain # a removed.]
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 117||01/19/2013|
The Pope would make you kiss his doll
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 118||01/19/2013|
After the Book of Ruth, the book of Jill would follow. Stories would include Jill learning about periods and Sissy's pizza bread!
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 119||01/19/2013|
Judas was gay for pay (thirty pieces of silver) when he kissed Jesus.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 120||01/19/2013|
The Webmistress will rise again on the third date.
[RIP, Datalounge, 01/19/2013]
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 121||01/19/2013|
And on the seventh day, DL crashed...?
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 122||01/20/2013|
Helen Lawson would be turned into a pillar of salt.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 123||01/20/2013|
Confession would be held at a Glory Hole in the local Adult Bookstore.
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 124||01/20/2013|
The REAL housewives of Gomorrah
Watch what happens
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 125||01/20/2013|
Bless me, Liza, for I have sinned. It has been six white parties since my last confession.
I coveted Matt Bomer's ass.
I took Barbra's name in vain.
I did not honor my Daddy.
I bore false witness against my fuck buddy.
I stole Justin Timberlake's hairstyle.
I killed Anne Hathaway's career.
What is my penance?
|by Johnny Kunst||reply 126||01/20/2013|