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How would Christianity have been different if DataLounge were the Bible?

For a start, the last supper would have been on prime-time.

by Johnny Kunstreply 12601/20/2013

Verse numbers would be replaced with penis sizes.

by Johnny Kunstreply 101/18/2013

There would be no Christianity and no Bible.

Once the Bible was posted, someone would immediately have posted: "This never happened."

by Johnny Kunstreply 201/18/2013

So much better before the Fall.

by Johnny Kunstreply 301/18/2013

The Immaculate Conception would be called out as an EST.

by Johnny Kunstreply 401/18/2013

There would be more than one Mary's.

by Johnny Kunstreply 501/18/2013

Cheryl's pussy would STILL stink.

by Johnny Kunstreply 601/18/2013

Water would be turned into wine for the eldergays. For the gaylings, water would be turned into thick salty jizz.

by Johnny Kunstreply 701/18/2013

This bible is useless without pix.

by Johnny Kunstreply 801/18/2013

Loaves and fishes would be replaced with bread pudding and turkey meatballs.

by Johnny Kunstreply 901/18/2013

sinners would be punished with the SHITBRA!

by Johnny Kunstreply 1001/18/2013

The Passion in the Garden would be the name of a cruising spot.

by Johnny Kunstreply 1101/18/2013

Instead of fishes and loaves, the masses would be served cak and a container of icing.

by Johnny Kunstreply 1201/18/2013

[quote]Instead of fishes and loaves, the masses would be served cak and a container of icing.

Not just a container, but a WHOLE CAN!

by Johnny Kunstreply 1301/18/2013

Fish-fraus and loads would replace fishes and loaves.

by Johnny Kunstreply 1401/18/2013

The most popular parts would be the Gospel According to Matthew Bomer and the Gospel According to Luke Macfarlane.

Nobody would like the Gospel According to John Travolta.

by Johnny Kunstreply 1501/18/2013

Hopefully DL posters would have the intelligence to see the ridiculousness of Sky Faerie Worship.

by Johnny Kunstreply 1601/18/2013

The Red Sea would have been parted by RuPaul saying "Sashay....away!"

by Johnny Kunstreply 1701/18/2013

You're a whore darling would replace Amen.

It would feature the Gospel of Carol Channing and the corn, when did I eat corn? tale.

The filthy whirlpool of WeHo's San Vicente Inn (does the place even exist anymore?) would be a holy shrine.

Thank You For Being A Friend would be a popular hymn.

Saint Doroty, Saint Sophia, Saint Blanche, ... and Saint Bette White

Matt Damon's ass would be the holy cross.

Kirker suffered for our pointless bitchery.

David Ehrenstein would be the prophet everybody mocked.

Fibromyalgia would be one of the plagues of Palm Springs.

The Last Supper would be the Last Brunch.

Jesus would be a 'gay for pay' stripper on a strip club tour. Judas would be a Log Cabin Republican.

Marie Magdalene would be a Sean Cody model (Patrick, Jamie, or Brandon).

Walk of Shame would replace the walk through the desert.

The Crucifiction would be a LipSync for your Life battle.

The Devil would be Cheryl.

Prancing Ponies are the harbinger of the apocalypse.

'those free of sins shall be the first to punch and delete'.

by Johnny Kunstreply 1801/18/2013

Revelations would document the struggle between the righteous Madonna followers and the evil Jan-bot followers, showing their allegiance with a 'wardrobe malfunction'

by Johnny Kunstreply 1901/18/2013

Mary Magdalene would wear a shit-bra.

by Johnny Kunstreply 2001/18/2013

[all posts by right wing shit-stain # a removed.]

by Johnny Kunstreply 2101/18/2013

Lisa Whelchel would serve Whataburgers at the Last Brunch.

by Johnny Kunstreply 2201/18/2013

Well, they already wore caftans, so the wardrobe would be the same. I guess the apostles would have to wear earrings.

by Johnny Kunstreply 2301/18/2013

Methusala, queen of the eldergays!

by Johnny Kunstreply 2401/18/2013

Umpy would be a wise man.

by Johnny Kunstreply 2501/18/2013

There would be a whole book of the bible dedicated to Golden Girls inconsistencies.

by Johnny Kunstreply 2601/18/2013

John the Baptist would be Juan, The Blatino Husbear

by Johnny Kunstreply 2701/18/2013

Somebody would bitch about that crying baby in the manger.

by Johnny Kunstreply 2801/18/2013

Noah's ark would be overrun with cats.

by Johnny Kunstreply 2901/18/2013

Adam and Eve would be Harry Styles and Nick Grimshaw. Taylor Swift would be Lilith.

by Johnny Kunstreply 3001/18/2013

Three wise eldergays would bring gifts of poppers, meth, and an novel by Armistead Maupin

by Johnny Kunstreply 3101/18/2013

Anne Hathaway would be competing for Best Performance by a Leper in a Supporting Role.

by Johnny Kunstreply 3201/18/2013

I wonder what ever happened with Abraham's hot nephew and his bitch wife?

by Johnny Kunstreply 3301/18/2013

Jesus' brow would have been wiped by a frau.

by Johnny Kunstreply 3401/18/2013

Judith, Ruth, Deborah, Eve, Sarah and every Mary would have fibromyalgia.

by Johnny Kunstreply 3501/18/2013

Joseph's coat of many colors would be fiercely ridiculed.

by Johnny Kunstreply 3601/18/2013

Well, for one thing, absolutely nothing would be different at the Vatican.

by Johnny Kunstreply 3701/18/2013

Only New Yorkers get into heaven.

by Johnny Kunstreply 3801/18/2013

no, r18. The devil would be MHB. Great list.

by Johnny Kunstreply 3901/18/2013

Surprise flaccid penis pics during all the baptisms.

by Johnny Kunstreply 4001/18/2013

'Pointless bitchery' as a beatitude.

by Johnny Kunstreply 4101/18/2013

R28 would be burned at the stake and her ashes fed to pigs, just on principle. In fact, if it were possible....

by Johnny Kunstreply 4201/18/2013

The Beloved Disciple's Twelve-Load Weekend!

by Johnny Kunstreply 4301/18/2013

The Resurrection would have culminated with Sunday Brunch.

by Johnny Kunstreply 4401/18/2013

"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want," loses its stature as the best-known bible verse to this gem, Ezekiel 23:20: "She lusted after her paramours, whose genitals are like those of donkeys, and whose emissions are like those of horses."

by Johnny Kunstreply 4501/18/2013

The Last Supper would instead be the last feeding of the Sows At The Trough.

by Johnny Kunstreply 4601/18/2013

The Last Supper would have been all-natural artisanal no-yeast peasant focaccia and a nice Olive-tinis.

by Johnny Kunstreply 4701/18/2013

Veronica's Veil would have proven to be the result of makeup.

by Johnny Kunstreply 4801/18/2013

Zacchaeus, the wee little publican who climbed the tree to see Jesus preach, would bear an uncanny resemblance to Leslie Jordan.

by Johnny Kunstreply 4901/18/2013

And dont EVEN get me going on Jesus washing his disciples feet!

by Johnny Kunstreply 5001/18/2013

Mirror Ball Chandeliers in St. Peter's!!!!!

by Johnny Kunstreply 5101/18/2013

There would be endless threads about the Last Supper and who was bringing what, with reminders like, "Nothing with cilantro, please. It exacerbates Mary Magdalene's fibromyalgia."

by Johnny Kunstreply 5201/18/2013

Jesus would have never been crucified.

When the throng of men tried to nail Jesus to the cross, Nan Mychganwomyn would have frightened them off by yelling, "Man on the land! Man on the land!"

by Johnny Kunstreply 5301/18/2013

Abraham's wife Sarah: the first frau!

by Johnny Kunstreply 5401/18/2013


by Johnny Kunstreply 5501/18/2013

Instead of Judas Iscariot and Pontius Pilate, there would be David Ehrenstein and Judy Pills Garland.

Instead of Cain and Abel, it would be Kirker and Umpy.

by Johnny Kunstreply 5601/18/2013

The bread at the Last Brunch would be not event toast.

by Johnny Kunstreply 5701/18/2013

Jesus rising from the dead would become the greatest EST ever told

by Johnny Kunstreply 5801/18/2013

[R49], Zacchaeus would be the neighborhood gargoyle.

by Johnny Kunstreply 5901/18/2013

The Dead Sea scrolls would hold all the secrets to the Golden Girls' inconsistencies.

by Johnny Kunstreply 6001/18/2013

Adam & Eve would finally be Adam & Steve.

by Johnny Kunstreply 6101/18/2013

Satan would be a hissing eldergay.

by Johnny Kunstreply 6201/18/2013

Jonah would have swallowed the whale

by Johnny Kunstreply 6301/18/2013

"O Little Town of Sodom" would be a popular Xmas carol

by Johnny Kunstreply 6401/18/2013

One of the 10 Plagues of Egypt would be possums in bathroom cabinet drawers.

by Johnny Kunstreply 6501/18/2013

angels presenting their halos

by Johnny Kunstreply 6601/18/2013

Sodom & Gomorrah would consolidate to become the Holy City.

by Johnny Kunstreply 6701/18/2013

Circumcision would be an abomination.

by Johnny Kunstreply 6801/18/2013

Jesus would turn over the tables in the temple because he didn't like the cutlery.

by Johnny Kunstreply 6901/18/2013

Feuding tribes would align with either Duke's or Hellman's mayonnaise.

by Johnny Kunstreply 7001/18/2013

"not much"

by Johnny Kunstreply 7101/18/2013

Judas was an insatiable bottom.

by Johnny Kunstreply 7201/18/2013

Sara would turn into a pillar of scented candle.

by Johnny Kunstreply 7301/18/2013

Judas would be stereotyped as a greedy Jew.

by Johnny Kunstreply 7401/18/2013

Instead of the sign of the cross, Christians would begin and end prayers by making a "dialing the phone with a pencil" gesture.

by Johnny Kunstreply 7501/18/2013

Ezekiel saw his heels way up in the middle of the air

by Johnny Kunstreply 7601/18/2013

After the Fall of Man in the Garden of Eden, the gays would shrug, disrobe, and par-tay.

by Johnny Kunstreply 7701/18/2013

God Dates Fags

by Johnny Kunstreply 7801/18/2013

at least once in every Perry Mason court scene you'd hear "post pics of your cock on the bible. do you swear to tell the truth, the hole truth and nothing butt the truth, so help you Mary?"

by Johnny Kunstreply 7901/18/2013

All of the apostles would be authenticated, except for Judas.

by Johnny Kunstreply 8001/18/2013

Fornication would get you a mere slap on your limp wrist.

by Johnny Kunstreply 8101/18/2013

The crosses that 90% of the people here are bearing would be put to actual use.

by Johnny Kunstreply 8201/18/2013

in parts of Appalachia trouser snake handlers can still be found in some churches

by Johnny Kunstreply 8301/18/2013

As a rascally prank, Jesus would spike the wine with HFCS.

by Johnny Kunstreply 8401/18/2013

Jesus would fall into a suicidal depression after realizing that even he could not heal fibromyalgia.

by Johnny Kunstreply 8501/18/2013

Feb.3 would be a High Holiday

by Johnny Kunstreply 8601/18/2013

I am a Christian and I do believe in the bible. Gay sex is in the bible. Unfortunately for people who want to change it or don't agree with it, the bible is an ancient text over 3,000 years old. I'm quite sure every single generation since then has been debating or questioning it.

Having said that, I do believe people can be gay: born that way, a learned behavior or experimenting. It's one of those unexplainable things in life.

The human body is amazing and everything works for a purpose. The vagina is self cleaning. Who can explain why the rectum needs to be cleaned before having that type of sex? Why gay people can't reproduce? We don't have the answers but this doesn't mean that gay people should be discriminated against.

What someone does in the privacy of their own lives is none of my business and treat gay people just like I want to be treated.

by Johnny Kunstreply 8701/18/2013

The Holy Trinity would be Dorothy, Rose and Blanche.

by Johnny Kunstreply 8801/18/2013

Yes, r86, but instead of the priest putting candles around your throat, he'd put his cock in your mouth.

by Johnny Kunstreply 8901/18/2013

Roberts Oral University would be Ivy League

by Johnny Kunstreply 9001/18/2013

"Father, why do you forsake me?" Jesus looked up into the sky and wondered.

"I have clearly stated my boundaries!" Came the reply

by Johnny Kunstreply 9101/18/2013

Thread Watcher would be our excuse to trash each other's animal skin, wool and linen outfits.

by Johnny Kunstreply 9201/18/2013

Meloni 4:69

by Johnny Kunstreply 9301/18/2013

Jesus wept as he typed.

by Johnny Kunstreply 9401/18/2013

THEATER GOSPEL #863 - "Davey does Goliath" Edition

by Johnny Kunstreply 9501/18/2013

from worst to best: Hell, Heaven, Pervatory

by Johnny Kunstreply 9601/18/2013

Moses would part the Margarine Fountain.

by Johnny Kunstreply 9701/18/2013

And Jani Layne died for our sins (one night stands.. "GET OUT!!!")

by Johnny Kunstreply 9801/18/2013

The Christ child would be born in mother's basement.

The woman caught in adultery would be told "You GO gurl!"

Readers would complain "This book is useless without icons."

Bible covers would bear a droll blurb by Gore Vidal.

by Johnny Kunstreply 9901/18/2013

to convince Doubting Thomas, Jesus displayed his Verificata

by Johnny Kunstreply 10001/18/2013

One of the apostles would shriek, "Jesus, you in trouble, girl!" as he gets led away to his trial.

by Johnny Kunstreply 10101/18/2013

The Book of Genesis would be All About Eve.

by Johnny Kunstreply 10201/18/2013

Forty days in the wilderness would be spent in flyover country.

by Johnny Kunstreply 10301/18/2013

AnnE Hathaway would die on the cross for our sins.

by Johnny Kunstreply 10401/18/2013

R87, dear one, I appreciate your apparent intentions, but around here ain't no one is going to buy the notion that vaginas are self-cleaning, not with what we're having to choke on from our straight sisters visiting here and announcing their limited or qualified "tolerance" for gay rights, gay behavior, or gay sexuality.

We smell them through our wireless connections, dear one.

by Johnny Kunstreply 10501/18/2013

r87 is right! And I'm the dame who can prove it!

by Johnny Kunstreply 10601/18/2013

Tammy Faye Bakker would be the face of CoeCoe Cosmetics

by Johnny Kunstreply 10701/18/2013

[all posts by right wing shit-stain # a removed.]

by Johnny Kunstreply 10801/19/2013

Thou shall have Drinkie Poos on Fridays.

Thou let Julianne Moore be always in the middle. Seriously.

Why are me so stupid? replaces Father, why have you forsaken me?

Judas' Kiss would be a punch and delete motion.

Pictures and youtube clips would be embedded.

The famous last supper painting would be a depiction of a Once Around The Garden procession.

Webmaster is God!

People would be executed by getting thrown into a grease fire.

Lord, give me strength to dial the telephone with a pencil.

Sodom and Gomorrah would have been Log Cabin Republicans' headquarters.

Bible: The Musical by Stephen Sondheim.

Providence, New Hampshire would be Bethlehem.

by Johnny Kunstreply 10901/19/2013

Let's pretend we're in the Book of Revelations!

by Johnny Kunstreply 11001/19/2013

"And Sarah the Hausfrau laughed"

"I don't see anything wrong with Lot offering his daughters to be raped by his neighbors who wanted the Angels instead; everyone knows the Angels were just too hot to be given to those troll Sodomites"

"Foreskin's collapse is complete!"

by Johnny Kunstreply 11101/19/2013

The loaves would be stored in the fridge and no one would care about the fishes.

by Johnny Kunstreply 11201/19/2013

On good friday, Jesus would be going 'once around the garden' of Gethsemane.

by Johnny Kunstreply 11301/19/2013

Let's watch the Christians be thrown to the lions! You know Mama's mussy gets wetter than the rain forest when she sees cagemeat!

by Johnny Kunstreply 11401/19/2013

Any and all of Joshua's wars would be justified with the phrase, "For they were tacky and we hated them."

The Babylonians would be forgiven for they possessed sizemeat and cum gutters.

Any gossip from Paul would be dismissed as a blatant rip-off made by an Olmec head without attribution.

by Johnny Kunstreply 11501/19/2013

[quote] The Babylonians would be forgiven for they possessed sizemeat and cum gutters.

However, there would be passages dedicated to verificata of sizemeat

by Johnny Kunstreply 11601/19/2013

[all posts by right wing shit-stain # a removed.]

by Johnny Kunstreply 11701/19/2013

The Pope would make you kiss his doll

by Johnny Kunstreply 11801/19/2013

After the Book of Ruth, the book of Jill would follow. Stories would include Jill learning about periods and Sissy's pizza bread!

by Johnny Kunstreply 11901/19/2013

Judas was gay for pay (thirty pieces of silver) when he kissed Jesus.

by Johnny Kunstreply 12001/19/2013

The Webmistress will rise again on the third date.

[RIP, Datalounge, 01/19/2013]

by Johnny Kunstreply 12101/19/2013

And on the seventh day, DL crashed...?

by Johnny Kunstreply 12201/20/2013

Helen Lawson would be turned into a pillar of salt.

by Johnny Kunstreply 12301/20/2013

Confession would be held at a Glory Hole in the local Adult Bookstore.

by Johnny Kunstreply 12401/20/2013

The REAL housewives of Gomorrah

Watch what happens

by Johnny Kunstreply 12501/20/2013

Bless me, Liza, for I have sinned. It has been six white parties since my last confession.

I coveted Matt Bomer's ass.

I took Barbra's name in vain.

I did not honor my Daddy.

I bore false witness against my fuck buddy.

I stole Justin Timberlake's hairstyle.

I killed Anne Hathaway's career.

What is my penance?

by Johnny Kunstreply 12601/20/2013
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