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How would Christianity have been different if Joan Crawford were Jesus?

I know that this was originally done as a thread with Liza as Jesus, but I just couldn't help myself.

I'll start:

Not sending personal thank-you notes would be a mortal sin.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 14102/01/2013

There would be no wire hangers, EVER!!!!!!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 101/17/2013

It would be easy to tell if the horizontal beam were level.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 201/17/2013

She would know YOU'D know where to find the water to turn into wine and the disciples!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 301/17/2013

Dammit, Golgotha is MY place!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 401/17/2013

Might as well have "Property of the Roman Empire" tattooed on my backside!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 501/17/2013

The nails used to crucify her would be acrylic, not wire.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 601/17/2013

The stigmata would be dripping Jungle Red!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 701/17/2013

TINAAAA! Bring me the ax! I will get myself off this goddamn crucifix.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 801/17/2013

Upon her 4am resurrection she would remove facial mask, dunk her head in a bowl of ice and review her script for "Ice Follies Of 1939".

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 901/17/2013

She would have turned water into Pepsi.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 1001/17/2013

That stone wouldn't have waited three days for JC to roll it aside and clean under it.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 1101/17/2013

She coulda walked all over Christina racing to the shallow end.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 1201/17/2013

There'd be no Pepsi served at the Last Supper.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 1301/17/2013

LAZARUS! Roll aside that BITCH of a boulder!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 1401/17/2013

Ash Wednesday would known as Eyebrows Wednesday

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 1501/17/2013

I treat you to a LOVELY Last Supper, and all I get is smart-aleck BACKTALK!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 1601/17/2013

Communion would involve a drag of a cigarette and a sip of gin.

There would be a safe in the Vatican filled with every document concerning Christina Crawford.

The president would swear in on John Waters' copy of "My Way Of Life".

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 1701/17/2013

She would be ressurected! This wouldn't be HER fucking first time at the rodeo!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 1801/17/2013

this would be a hymn

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 1901/17/2013

"You are the light of the world. Now tear down that bitch of a bushel and let your light so shine before men!"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 2001/17/2013

Every prayer would be acknowledged with a personally autographed photo.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 2101/17/2013

"Blessed are the GODDAMN peacemakers!!"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 2201/17/2013

Christina would be Judas.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 2301/17/2013

The first Sorrowful Mystery of the Rosary would still be The Agony in the Garden.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 2401/17/2013

"I'm not mad at you, Helga, I'm mad at your SINS!"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 2501/17/2013

The fourth commandment would have to be changed to "Honor thy mother and thy many uncles."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 2601/17/2013

Baptisms would be performed by dunking one's head face-first into a bathroom sink full of iced rubbing alcohol.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 2701/17/2013

In church services and prayers, believers would be referred to and and addressed as "fans".

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 2801/17/2013

Well, you know, with her ability to heal the sick and all, she couldn't have played a wheelchair-bound Blanche very convincingly.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 2901/17/2013

"Thus she cast Bette Davis out of Warner's..."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 3001/17/2013

[quote] Communion would involve a drag of a cigarette and a sip of gin.

WRONG, she didn't drink gin. 100% Smirnoff and Pepsi.

If you can't do something right, don't do it at all!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 3101/17/2013

Who?

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 3201/17/2013

Her initials are already J.C.!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 3301/17/2013

I never go out unless I look like Joan Crawford, the daughter of G*d. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 3401/17/2013

I think the most important thing a disciple can have - next to talent, of course - is their hairdresser.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 3501/17/2013

Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twenty-five men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twenty-five men I'd want to invite to a party, there were only twelve.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 3601/17/2013

Mary Magdelene would rub myrrh into the crook of her elbow to attract men.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 3701/17/2013

You woulh have been burned in the Middle Ages if you prayed to a crucifix that showed her aged beyond her Mildred Pierce days.

Marilyn would be the name of the beloved disciple.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 3801/17/2013

"You wouldn't be able to do these awful things to me if I wasn't on this cross!"

"But ya ahh, Jesus, ya ahh!"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 3901/17/2013

R31, a blasphemer told me she took to drinking gin by the glassful while filming "Trog".

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 4001/17/2013

Before she broke into the spiritual big-time, she was led into the desert and taunted by a red-haired, gravel-voiced Satan who forced her to practice the same Charleston routine again and again, threatening, "Get it right or you're outta the show!"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 4101/17/2013

To Pilate: "There isn't a dirty cover-up in this entire Empire that I don't know about and you hand is in everyone of them, YOU REEK OF IT!"

To John the Baptist: "Hauling me over to Caesar's table like some picked-up floozie! Or one of those prophets. Out to give the big shots a nice night in town. Is that what you think of me?"

"You expect me to ignore my disciples, they're life and death to me, baby! They're the ones who really MADE ME!"

"Heavenly Father, you are a lousy substitute for someone who really cares."

"You know, a few minutes ago a centurian asked me what I thought and how I would describe the marriage between the soft drink King and the Queen of the Jews. I told him I thought it was a hell of a match."

JC: "I'm glad you think that, Herod, because messiahs beat kings!

Herod: "Not in Jerusalem, dear."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 4201/17/2013

I am NOT one of your APOOOOOOOOSTLES!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 4301/17/2013

"Suffer the little children to come unto me. I'll teach those tiny bastards what suffering IS!"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 4401/17/2013

No Christina, you were JUDAS!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 4501/17/2013

Instead of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John the Gospels would be told by Douglas, Franchot, Phillip and Al.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 4601/17/2013

To the money-changers in the temple: "Is this an institution of worship or a TEENAGE BROTHEL??"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 4701/17/2013

She could use her knee pads stored at the studio for prayer instead.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 4801/17/2013

"My mother, a carpenter!"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 4901/17/2013

Carol Burnett would've played Jesus instead of Jason Sudeikis.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 5001/17/2013

[quote]Before she broke into the spiritual big-time, she was led into the desert and taunted by a red-haired, gravel-voiced Satan who forced her to practice the same Charleston routine again and again, threatening, "Get it right or you're outta the show!"

This later prompted Judas to exclaim, just before hanging himself, "And people say I'M an asshole?"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 5101/17/2013

The Sermon on the Mount would include the exhortation, "Be ye perfect as my floors, countertops, and closets are perfect."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 5201/17/2013

R49. We shoudda guessed, after all, she never spoke about her people - chosen or otherwise.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 5301/17/2013

The Baby Joan would've scrubbed down the stable with Bon Ami before receiving the Three Wise Men.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 5401/17/2013

Fuck, I love this thread.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 5501/17/2013

Nobody would have been permitted to leave the Last Supper until they had finished EVERY BITE.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 5601/17/2013

[quote]Instead of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John the Gospels would be told by Douglas, Franchot, Phillip and Al.

No, Phillip would be known as "the Virgin Terry."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 5701/17/2013

There'd be slew of Mexican gardeners named Joan.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 5801/17/2013

The very devout would make Christmas pilgrimages to San Antonio.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 5901/17/2013

Le Sueur Peas would sponsor the 700 Club.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 6001/17/2013

I hereby condemn Christopher and Christina to eternitu in hell "for reasons which are well known to them."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 6101/17/2013

"... I make no provisions in the next life for Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, or atheists, for reasons which are well known to them."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 6201/17/2013

She would turn water into 100-proof Smirnoff.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 6301/17/2013

SUDDEN FEAR would be my favorite parable.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 6401/17/2013

"Who do you think you're talking to??????!!!!!!" (to one of the faithful who took her name in vain)

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 6501/17/2013

Saying the name "Bette Davis" in church would be cause for excommunication.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 6601/17/2013

The Pope's vestments would include shoulder pads, ankle-strap shoes and a wide-brimmed hat with a veil.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 6701/17/2013

Faye Dunaway would star in "The Greatest Story Ever Told."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 6801/17/2013

Joan tries to help St. Peter walk on water ...

Joan: Well, that's good, but you've got to push off more with your weight. Let's see that again!

St. Peter: But I'm afraid I'll drown!

Joan: QUITTER!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 6901/17/2013

Nuns would take a vow of promiscuity.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 7001/17/2013

[quote]To the money-changers in the temple: "Is this an institution of worship or a TEENAGE BROTHEL??"

I thought it was "Get out ... get out before I KILL you."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 7101/17/2013

I took burnt offerings and I was glad to get them.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 7201/17/2013

Bette Davis would have a burning bush.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 7301/17/2013

Oh Kenny!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 7401/17/2013

Joan to Pontius Pilate: Will you walk me to the cross?

[No answer]

Joan: Jewish royalty ... [Saunters up Golgotha in her Adrian-designed mink-trimmed crucifixion suit]

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 7501/17/2013

She'd wear a crown of Pepsi bottlecaps and pop-tops.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 7601/17/2013

THE DA VINCI CODE would cause worldwide controversy with its assertion that Joan was sleeping with Carol Ann.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 7701/17/2013

Instead of of the Sermon on the Mount, we'd have Joan mounting some producer named Herman.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 7801/17/2013

The ascension would refer to her eyebrows.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 7901/17/2013

After being informed by the Lord that He must die for the sins of humanity, instead of accepting His fate, Jesus would prune off all the buds in Gethsamane.

PETER! BRING ME THE AXE!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 8001/17/2013

Before the cock crowed, L.B. would deny her a contract renewal three times.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 8101/17/2013

The apocalypse in the Book of Revelations would be the making of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 8201/17/2013

On her last supper: Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twelve men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twelve men I'd want to invite to a party.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 8301/17/2013

[italic]Simon Peter and another disciple were following Jesus. Because this disciple was known to the high priest, he went with Jesus into the high priest’s courtyard, but Peter had to wait outside at the door. The other disciple, who was known to the high priest, came back, spoke to the girl on duty there and brought Peter in. “You are not one of his disciples, are you?” the girl at the door asked Peter. He replied, “I am not.” ... As Simon Peter stood warming himself, he was asked, “You are not one of his disciples, are you?” He denied it, saying, “I am not.” One of the high priest’s servants, a relative of the man whose ear Peter had cut off, challenged him, “Didn’t I see you with him in the olive grove?” Again Peter denied it, and at that moment a rooster spoke to him and said:

"Simon Peter, I think I'm really seeing you for the first time in my life and you're cheap and horrible."[/italic]

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 8401/17/2013

Instead of incense, thuribles used in the Catholic Church would contain smouldering Lucky Strikes.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 8501/17/2013

Don't fuck with me, fellas. This ain't my first time at the Olive Garden!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 8601/17/2013

The Gospel by Christina would have no chance of being included into the New Testament.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 8701/17/2013

Before each church service, parishoners would be given a once-over to make sure they were "camera-ready."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 8801/17/2013

[quote]we'd have Joan mounting some producer named Herman.

No, Sherman - the Sherman on the mount.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 8901/17/2013

It would have imploded after the release of Whatever Happened to Baby Jesus?

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 9001/17/2013

The Ten Commandments

1) Thou shalt use padded hangers.

2) Thou shalt do something properly if it is to be done at all.

3) Thou shalt not leave the house without full makeup.

4)tThou shalt not drink Coca Cola.

5)tThou shalt not keep thy eyebrows natural.

6)tThou shalt not covet the career of younger starlets.

7)tThou shalt monogram.

8)tThou shalt not overcook thy meat.

9)tThou shalt not worship Bette Davis.

10)tThou shalt not carve idol of thy God post 1948.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 9101/17/2013

JUDAS ISCARIOT: You think just because you performed a few miracles you can get a new donkey and some expensive new shrouds and turn yourself into the Messiah. But you can't, because you'll never be anything but a common frump whose mother gave birth in a manger and whose father took in broken chariots. With this thirty pieces of silver I can get away from every rotten stinking thing that makes me think of this place or you!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 9201/17/2013

The opening hymn of every Mass would be "Two-Faced Woman", led by the priest in blue gown, fur stole, and blackface.

And at the end of the Mass, the priest would dismiss the congregation by ripping off his wig to reveal the bright orange hair beneath.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 9301/17/2013

Worshippers of Bette Davis would receive the Inquisition.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 9401/17/2013

She would raise Irving Thalberg from his grave, alive once more, then cause him to die again after a quick, tear-filled reunion with Norma Shearer just to spite the bitch.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 9501/17/2013

The three wise men would be hung truckers.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 9601/17/2013

I would be Mommie Dearest.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 9701/17/2013

33 would have been a good age for her to die. She looked good!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 9801/17/2013

The holy land would be Brentwood, not Jerusalem.

The disciples wouldn't be walking through town barefoot or in sandals..........Joan can handle the socks!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 9901/17/2013

When the poor came to Christ begging for alms, the response would be: "Not a cent! Good luck, darling."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 10001/17/2013

Rules of attire for attending temple would be incredibly strict, and head coverings would be mandatory.

JC would rather you go bald to church...than looking like a TRAMP!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 10101/17/2013

Armageddon would be a gun-slinging showdown between a denim-clad Joan and Mercedes McCambridge as the devil ...

Satan: I'm going to kill you.

Joan: I know ... If I don't kill you first.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 10201/17/2013

Jesus would take a pause during the Sermon on the Mount to grab a drink and say to Peter, "The cue cards are too low! Tell them to bring them higher!"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 10301/17/2013

Mary Magdalene would have her past white washed by studio flacks and be sent to MGM's finishing school. In addition s new name would be selected for her in a write in fan magazine contest.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 10401/17/2013

Why, it wouldn't have been different at all.

What would alter things by exchanging one hysterical, dissembling control-freakish, demanding, "generous" monster with a fabulous wardrobe of out-of-style outfits and a passion for grand entrances for another?

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 10501/17/2013

[quote] What would alter things by exchanging one hysterical, dissembling control-freakish, demanding, "generous" monster with a fabulous wardrobe of out-of-style outfits and a passion for grand entrances for another?

Ooh, this bitch WON.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 10601/17/2013

"Down there I sell whiskey and cards. All you can buy up these stairs is the salvation of your immortal soul. Now which do you want?"

-- Vienna in JOHNNY GUITAR

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 10701/18/2013

Thousands of young Broadway hopefuls would hone their craft in road company productions of JOANSPELL and JOAN CRAWFORD SUPERSTAR.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 10801/18/2013

The Beatitudes would be radically different (the meek would definitely not inherit the earth), and would end with the line "Nobody ever said life was fair, I'm bigger and stronger than you, and I will always beat you".

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 10901/18/2013

"Bette Davis" would be one of the names of Satan.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 11001/18/2013

R104 is one of the most depressing facts about Joan. Her friggin' name she used until she died was CHOSEN BY SOME RANDOM FAN GIRL! Her original name sounded far more glamourous.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 11101/18/2013

r111 = Lucille Ball.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 11201/18/2013

In her pre-divinity days in Galilee, the Lord Joan was once heard to shout in exasperation, "I'm running a woodworking shop ... not a charm school!"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 11301/18/2013

When she taught us to say Hail Mary....she wanted us to MEAN IT.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 11401/18/2013

"DOOON'T FUCK WITH ME, PHARISEES!!"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 11501/18/2013

Instead of at a seder, the last supper would have occurred at a roadside pie shop called Mildred's.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 11601/18/2013

Liturgical vestments would include ankle strap shoes, shoulder pads and bottles of Pepsi with a straw and napkin.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 11701/18/2013

"My Way Of Life" would have been the basis of JC's Sermon on the Mount.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 11801/18/2013

More!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 11901/18/2013

Mixed fibres would be an abomination but homosexuality would be fine.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 12001/18/2013

There would be no submersion in water for baptism, but instead the believers would enter Joan's multi-spray shower for total redemption and washing away of sins...

..."but do YOU call this soul clean? DO YOU???"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 12101/18/2013

Give a man a meatloaf he eats for a day. Give him the most fabulous recipe for one and he eats for a lifetime.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 12201/18/2013

But my loaves and fishes have all this red juice in them when I push on it....

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 12301/18/2013

The priest would offer a morning incantation: "Christina, Christopher... Dammit."

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 12401/18/2013

..And damnit be with you...

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 12501/18/2013

St. Peter's Basilica would have had interior decoration by Billy Haines.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 12601/18/2013

Instead of Pilate offering the crowd the choice between releasing Jesus or Barabbas, Mayer would appear before the fans and offer them the choice of dropping the contract of either Crawford or Shearer.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 12701/18/2013

Mary Magdalene would know where to find the apostles AND the booze!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 12801/18/2013

All come together in prayer!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 12901/18/2013

The instruction "Turn the other cheek" would only apply to Lucy Marlow.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 13001/19/2013

[quote But my loaves and fishes have all this red juice in them when I push on it....]

Christina, loaves and fish lose their vitamins when they're overcooked. And you are not getting up from this table until you finish all ten thousand of these loaves and fish, young lady.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 13101/19/2013

Yes, I said 40 days and 40 nights! No, it can't only be 30 days!

Why must EVERYTHING be a CONTEST???

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 13201/19/2013

"Pull down that BITCH of a wailing wall and put a wall where it ought to be!"

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 13301/19/2013

Instead of wafers, communion would be conferred only on those who got on their knees to SCRUB, TINA, SCRUB!

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 13401/19/2013

Wars would be fought between Catholics and Protestants over their irreconcilable theological dispute about whether her greatest period was the MGM or the Warner Brothers years.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 13501/19/2013

She would have adopted 13 apostles.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 13601/19/2013

My mother, a common surrogate for the Holy Spirit!

Aren't the communion wafers enough? Do you have to degrade us, Mother?

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 13701/19/2013

That bishop "gentle tap on the cheek" during Catholic confirmation would have been a full out SLAP!!! that left a bruise.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 13801/19/2013

bump

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 13901/24/2013

The Temple in Jerusalem would've been decorated in high Hollywood Regency by William Haines.

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 14001/24/2013

Heads up! Millie and Veda are back on TCM tomorrow at midnight (9:00 Pacific.)

by Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"reply 14102/01/2013
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