Sometimes I like myself very much and other times not at all.
I'm going through a rough patch right now and it sucks. I actually was in excellent physical condition at 45, even at 47, and looked the best I ever did in my life in my 40 (and got a lot of attention), and loved it. Now nearing my mid 50s, I'm a wreck. But the cosmetic part of it is small potatoes to feeling like a wreck and being riddled with self-doubt. I should thank goodness for having had that "prime," but the truth is I miss it greatly.
The fact is I've been manic depressive all m life and am very tired of being a complicated human being,
And before I am jumped on by everyone, I do try to make posititive changes in my life, to take care of myself emotionally and physically, I have a good job where I am respected, I have a wonderful partner, we have a wide circle of friends and are invited out a great deal. I don't feel like going, but I go.
It's a challenge. And my head lately lives in a sphere of regret. If I'm not reading at work or at home reading a book away from the madding crowd, I feel all too vulnerable or invisible, and socially awkward - which was hardly the case with me before.
I am riddled with remorse over being a knucklehead in my past over a million petty things. And I can't seem to fogive myself. And, while I've usually had a healthy sense of humor about my own foibles and ridiculousness, and have thankfully (and appreciatively) made amends for the few seriously regrettable things in my life, they are at present all haunting me and not letting me go and my sense of humor is failing me.
I'm in a rut and I really can't stand myself. And I obsess about the unfairness of the world, both as it reflects on myself and on others far less fortunate than I. To use 70s pop psych jargon, I'm in a I"m not ok, you're not ok state.
And, yes, I am getting help.