When do you dispense with condoms in a relationship?
My bf and I have been together for the past three years. We use condoms every time we fuck, but lately we've discussed going raw, for lack of a better term. We think it would be a sign of increased trust, and besides that, there's no denying that the sensation is better. We're both negative and monogamous. And yes, I trust him implicitly not to screw around on the side. And I really have no interest in other men.
Having said all of that, I'm a little apprehensive about this, not because I don't trust him but because condom use is so ingrained in me. I'm 27, and with one exception have always fucked with a condom since my first sexual experience with a guy when I was 14. Wearing a condom has second nature at this point. My only slip was about five years ago, when I stupidly let a guy I hooked up with fuck me raw. It was dumb, and I agonized for six months over my status. Fortunately, I turned out to be neg. It was a particularly traumatic time for me, and the idea of going through all of that has me riddled with anxiety.
We've discussed all of this, and he understands the reasons behind my apprehension. But I think there comes a time in a relationship where you just have to decide to trust your partner. Without trust, what else is there?
Any thoughts from guys who have transitioned or have thought about transitioning to condomless sex with their long-term monogamous partner?
|by Anonymous||reply 43||04/12/2013|
I usually dispense with them shortly after pulling out.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||01/09/2013|
Before you stop using condoms, you both better get tested and make a deal that if either of you should cheat that you each promise to use protection.
But honestly, I think condoms are good. Less messy and easier clean up afterwards.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||01/09/2013|
We did it after 6 months. Been together 4 years.
A LOT of trust is required.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||01/09/2013|
If you don't trust him you probably shouldn't do it. One alternative is to have an open relationship with other negative guys sort of like a club, but there are no ironclad guarantees with that either.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||01/09/2013|
My partner and I waited about two years. We are monogamous and neg. Fucking is our primary sex now. If we ever were to beak up, I'd probably never fuck again. I don't think I could ever wear a condom again and I don't think I will ever meet someone I trust as much as him.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||01/09/2013|
one of my friends became HIV positive because he trusted his BF was monogamous. he wasn't.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||01/09/2013|
If you two have that trust factor then go for it. If this is the guy for you there's no reason to use condoms then. On the other hand,if you had an open relationship then condoms would be a must.
|by Anonymous||reply 10||01/09/2013|
I have a friend who did it after being with a guy for about six months or so. They broke up after about nine months. Friend tested positive soon after (hospitalized with toxoplasmosis, in his case, the presenting disease). Died of non-Hodgkins lymphoma three years later (this was twenty years ago next month). He thought the partner was being monogamous (I never did--easier to judge someone when you aren't in the relationship, I know).
So, I never know the answer. I guess if you can trust your bf to be completely monogamous or to engage in only safe behaviors if there is an open dimension to your relationship, it might be safe to do. The world of HIV is different today (at least in white America), but people do still die from it--and, at the very least, it changes their life in dramatic, often difficult ways. Not an automatic death sentences, but one shouldn't underestimate the burdens it brings.
I was on a site and was approached by a 21 year old (odd enough for me, a 50-something). We chatted back and forth and were about to make plans to meet when he revealed he was HIV+. I appreciated his honesty, and I'm sure it's more than possible I have been with men who were positive and hadn't disclosed (hence, my safe sex only rule), but what surprised me most was how young he was to be HIV+. I know all it takes is one unfortunate exposure, but it was a shock. He is a science major, so very informed about the course of the virus and the odds of infection, but simply young enough to have not been in full control of making decisions about what was safe (or, to give him the benefit of the doubt, he practiced safer sex and something happened accidentally). In any case, what made me sad was how the rest of what I hope will be a long life for him would have to be in the context of managing the infection.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||01/09/2013|
OP, it's called "negotiated safety." You two will simply have to have an honest discussion about the matter. Ground rules must be laid out (e.g., an open door policy about cheating, for the benefit of each partner's safety). Communication, as with everything, is key to making this work. It sounds like you two have been together long enough to throw the condoms out, but--as long as you have clear eyes about your partner--you will be a better judge of this than any of us.
|by Anonymous||reply 12||01/09/2013|
OP, not that caution isn't good, but there is definitely *too much* of a good thing. Having a six-month-long panic because of one raw fuck was definitely over the top, particularly now that rapid (and even home) HIV tests are readily available.
But, you really said it yourself: "But I think there comes a time in a relationship where you just have to decide to trust your partner. Without trust, what else is there?" Since he's presumably not given you any reasons not to trust him, I see no reason why not to trust here as well.
And yes, OP, I've done this same thing twice now in a relationship, and never had even a nanosecond's worth of worry.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||01/09/2013|
And when he asks to go back to condoms, you'll know the relationship is over.
|by Anonymous||reply 14||01/09/2013|
Oh, and OP, expect many more "my friend had bb sex with a bf who was cheating on him, and he died" tales. This is DL, after all, and the sociopathology cases on here could film volumes!
|by Anonymous||reply 15||01/09/2013|
Sad stories at R9 and R11. This is why I will always require condoms, because there's been way too many stories (both straight and gay couples) where they think they've got a faithful partner and find out the hard way they don't. Sad.
|by Anonymous||reply 16||01/09/2013|
For 15 years I thought my partner was committed and my soulmate, and thought we would probably be together always and that he would not cheat.
Suddenly he wanted out of our relationship and had been cheating.
It can happen to anyone no matter how committed.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||01/09/2013|
OP, you don't want fecal matter going up your urethra and he shouldn't either. Condoms are a great invention. Antibiotics are deadly and cystitis can be life wrecking.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||01/09/2013|
R18 needs to wrap herself in plastic film, fall into a box, and have someone nail it shut.
|by Anonymous||reply 19||01/09/2013|
R18 needs to learn to douche. OP, you're the one who knows your partner, not us, so you're the only one who knows if you trust him enough to stop using condoms. I've been with my bf for 10 years now - we stopped using condoms about 6months into our relationship. If he cheats, I know he's decent enough to do it safely or tell me about it if he doesn't. There's no such thing as a life completely without risk.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||01/09/2013|
The required trust is so deep that only the 2 of you will know what's right and when.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||01/09/2013|
Why not address any future problems up front. Say you'll stop with the condoms now under the agreement that you're going to be exclusive. Also agree that if that desire for exclusivity whould wan on either of your parts in the future, it will be understood and, at that point, you'll either break up or go back to condoms.
If you and your partner don't think there will be any need to hide any future straying, there shouldn't be as much to worry about.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||01/09/2013|
funny, R22, you just described my two long term relationships
the first one my ex went to a party when I was on a work trip (he was very jealous and always thought someone was flirting with me) and "something happened" at a party that he would never clarify except saying it wasn't sex. since he wouldn't tell me I suggested we use condoms and the relationship was never the same - it wasn't the condom issue but the other problems showing up with a lack of trust - the sex brought out it all out
the second (10 years) we took a break after my ex had a career meltdown and lost his self esteem - he swore he hadn't had sex with anyone and I hadn't either - but we went back to condoms and it just felt like we were strangers - again, not the condoms being the issue - but the sex, the intimacy of being that close came from genuine emotional closeness - the intense sex from that was gone -
personally I think sex does matter a lot - it's a real measure of intimacy - staying with condoms in relationships to me does seem like you're always dating and open to something on the side but going condom free opens you to that kind of thinking...,
i say till yourselves the condoms keep you from getting bacterial infections (fecal bacteria can do that and give urinary tract infections, possibly prostatitis) so you don't ever think about the other things
|by Anonymous||reply 23||01/10/2013|
I kind of much prefer it with a condom...am I the only one?
|by Anonymous||reply 24||01/10/2013|
R24 No, you're not the only one. It's much cleaner.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||01/10/2013|
My partner (now husband) and I went bareback at the half-year mark. It was probably too soon but we both really wanted to. No regrets so far!
A few thoughts/notes:
- It would be tough for me (almost always the top) to go back to condoms now. Condomless does feel a lot better for the top.
- We both are very honest communicators and have taken vows of marriage at this point -- but even before the marriage vow, way back when we went condomless, we took private vows to each other around sex and exclusivity and HIV/disease prevention. We both feel comfortable that what we've decided brings the HIV risk down to very near zero, and dramatically lowers the risk of other STDs. We have decided to trust that both of us will stay faithful to our vows. We check in a few times a year, have a real conversation about it. We're in our 40s... eventually you realize that, trust or no trust, coupled or alone, the years are moving by very fast. Self protection is important but quality of relationship is also important.
- We get tested regularly twice a year and share the negative results with one another.
Is betrayal possible? Yes. But he took on the far greater risk, as I'm the top. Fortunately for him, his judgment/instinct is accurate - I'm completely honest and will never have unsafe sex of any kind (unsafe as defined in our vows) with another man.
|by Anonymous||reply 26||01/10/2013|
Penetration is easier with a condom. Just sayin
|by Anonymous||reply 27||01/10/2013|
Truvada / PrEP, guys. Truvada / PrEP.
|by Anonymous||reply 28||01/10/2013|
Only if you've kept your partner on strict surveillance from the day he was born
|by Anonymous||reply 29||01/10/2013|
I thought this thread was asking "How soon after fucking your partner do you throw away the used condom?"
|by Anonymous||reply 31||01/10/2013|
When you are the last two people on earth and know without a shadow of a doubt that neither of you have a fatal STD.
|by Anonymous||reply 32||01/10/2013|
[quote] We use condoms every time we fuck, but lately we've discussed going raw, for lack of a better term.
How about "lately we've discussed going without." Is that a better term? Or did you want one that was more lurid, rather than less?
|by Anonymous||reply 34||01/10/2013|
One dispenses with them when they are full.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||04/11/2013|
Enjoy your future cocktails, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 36||04/11/2013|
[quote] one of my friends became HIV positive because he trusted his BF was monogamous. he wasn't.
This also happened to my best friend.
|by Anonymous||reply 37||04/11/2013|
Which one of you raised the idea first - the top or the bottom?
It's just a bad idea on any basis.
Use the fecal matter up the urethra excuse. It's legitimate and sensible.
|by Anonymous||reply 38||04/11/2013|
The day you welcome sero-converting!
|by Anonymous||reply 39||04/11/2013|
If you sleep with the man he could grab a knife and kill you in bed. Either you trust him or you don't.
|by Anonymous||reply 41||04/12/2013|
Cheating is so prevalent, especially at a young-ish age of 27. It's a major risk.
|by Anonymous||reply 42||04/12/2013|
if you've been using condoms for the past three years and have a hot sex life, why bother going raw? its not worth it. put HIV aside, and you still have to contend with anal warts (which can lead to anal cancer), other STD's, etc. Why would you want to risk that?
|by Anonymous||reply 43||04/12/2013|