What to do with my dying father's S&M stuff?
So over the holidays my father started acting even weirder than he used to; we dragged him to a clinic and after lots of red tape and drama and scans and a biopsy it turns out he has a malignant brain tumor and has something between a few weeks and a couple years of life left depending on which kind he has (waiting for final report from pathologist) and whether he decides to pursue treatment that will make him miserable...
No matter what, though, he is very impaired cognitively and can't go back to living on his own if he lives to be released from the hospital.
Now to the dilemma: a few months back, my brother, who knows my father better than I do, told me that dear old dad was into "some seriously kinky shit." This wasn't a surprise, as he once gave me a DVD he had burned in a case that had a label on the back identifying it as originally coming from a local sex store, and considering the fact that he has a couple of riding crops hanging on his bedroom wall as decoration. But some family members, especially one of my siblings, would be shocked to find this out,so today after leaving him at the hospital I decided to snoop a bit and get rid of any evidence I could find, as a sort of favor. I know I would want a friend to do the same for me if I found myself unexpectedly incapacitated and unable to return home.
I found lots of stuff. Yikes. Luckily it's not easy to shock me, but I now have this stuff in the trunk of my car and don't know what to do with it. The clothespins and mousetrap and enema kits I have no trouble throwing in a dumpster, but some of his bondage stuff looks expensive. What should I do with it? Should I tell him I have taken the stuff with the idea it might give him peace of mind, or would the fact that two out of his three children have a good idea of just what his private proclivities are?
Undoubtedly I am inviting accusations that I am an EST but alas, I am not. I am a boring but non-judgmental person with a father who didn't get the chance to "get his affairs in order" before getting an unexpected terminal diagnosis. But as a long time DL denizen, if I do get called an EST, I will consider it an honor.
|by A.G.||reply 78||01/20/2013|
*would the fact that two out of his three children have a good idea of just what his private proclivities are be upsetting to him?
Unless he says something, do nothing with them until he dies or is so incapacitated he does not know what's going on. Just because he is impaired does not mean he has lost his dignity or would enjoy knowing he has lost his privacy.
When I was in my mid 20s and living with my parents, I got very sick and nearly died. While in the hospital, I had a friend go over to my parents house and remove anything that might have shocked my parents.
Luckily, I lived. Although, they eventually figured out that their little prince wasn't so squeaky clean as they'd thought anyhow. Oh well.
OP get rid of it. If he asks about it, pretend you don't understand what he's talking about. He's in his way out no matter what the time frame. Say nothing, & dump all that shit.
Don't throw them out immediately. You may find that after a loved one passes that the objects closest to them in life will be of invaluable comfort to you in your grief. These were things that brought joy to your father. My Mom passed and my sister threw out all her toiletries and it really upset me. When I was ready, I wanted to be able to know what the name of the shade of lipstick and eye shadow she wore, what the name of her favorite perfume was, if any hair was left in her hairbrush. It was my road to closure which I realize was different from my siblings, but it's still lost knowledge that I can never retrieve. I know the realm of your dad's sex toys is different, but you may find that one of them can serve as an affectionate keepsake.
OP, you could always (discreetly) check out the local BDSM clubs/organizations in your area and see if anyone there knows/knew your father. Explain the circumstances and ask if there's anyone who played with him/was close to him who would treasure his "toys."
You never know. There might be some folks out there who have good memories of your father and would be honored to be presented with the equipment which gave them such happy times.
In case you didn't know this, a top's BDSM toys and equipment are treated with much respect in the Scene. You aren't even allowed to touch someone else's toys without their permission. So keep that in mind before you simply toss them in the trash.
R5 After my dad died, I striped the sheet off of his hospital bed. I has a couple of stains on it that I am preserving. I keep it in a plastic zipper bag. I miss my dad so much. I wear his diamond ring that he wore only once-he never really liked it, but that sheet is the most precious thing I own and a source of comfort.
If the other son was closer to him, then you should have asked him if he would remove anything that might embarrass the father and put it in storage. You should not get rid of anything at this point, because people have been given the wrong diagnosis as well as the wrong prognosis before. It is within the realm of possiblity that you could be charged with theft if you could not return anything you removed from his home upon demand. I would put it all in a box and store it in a safe place. When the time comes to get rid of it, you might sell it on craigslist, being careful of criminals.
Donate it to Out of the Closet and take the tax write off.
Lots of interesting and well-meaning and conflicting advice to consider! I love the DL...
A few things:
His "other" son is his only son (I am female) but lives in another city. He had to fly home so had no way to transport this stuff if he was even aware of it. Plus he's an asshole and didn't do even the easy stuff I asked him to do before he left, like wash the dishes, so no way could I get him to make this stuff disappear.
There is no mistake on the diagnosis. It's either the worst or the second-worst type of brain tumor--definitely cancer and very aggressive. This is at a top hospital for brain surgery.
My father is already so impaired by the pressure the tumor is putting on both his right and left frontal lobes (it's the size of an orange, but unfortunately not the nice round shape of one; it's a big messy tumor with 'fingers' into normal brain tissue in every direction; to determine the type of cancer cell they did a craniotomy and biopsy but even though they had his skull open they didn't try to remove or resection the tumor) that he can barely speak and seldom makes any sense at all when he does.
Having said all that, I kind of love the idea of keeping a whip and a riding crop as souvenirs of my father...but I am glad that there was a box of rubber gloves in what I over-dramatically call The Suitcase of Secrets because there was some stuff in there...as I said, I am hard to shock, but TOUCHING things that have quite possibly been, ahem, inside a parent? Too much. I feel ok about the stuff that was hanging on the wall though.
There is also a box of Barbie and Ken dolls that he fashioned various outfits for. Not sure what to do about that. The other stuff is in the trunk of my car as I haven't decided what to do with it.
Thanks to all for the feedback. Has anyone here dealt with anything remotely similar?
|by A.G.||reply 10||01/09/2013|
You and your knowing brother should do a little as possible. When your father dies, simply dispose of his private stuff as best you can without causing any embarrassment to his memory. I know this kinky stuff is titillating but retrain yourself (no pun intended) an keep you Father's personal life, personal.
|by A.G.||reply 11||01/09/2013|
Really, R7? I'm not judging...but really?
|by A.G.||reply 12||01/09/2013|
keep the ball gag and ebay the rest
|by A.G.||reply 13||01/09/2013|
OP, I dealt with some of my father's freakier shit when he became ill at the end of his life.
My $.02, put his kink gear in a box and wait until he dies to throw it out. Respect 101, don't throw someone's shit away while they're alive. Presumably you are not going to involve yourself in selling used S/M gear so don't worry about what he paid for it when the time comes to toss it.
Unless you really believe it's bothering him now, don't mention it. If he broaches the subject, as my father did in a roundabout way, just tell him that you took care of it, no one else knows and not to worry. He'll probably feel relieved and drop the subject. The look on my father's face when he knew it had been dealt with discreetly was worth any embarrassment I experienced. He never mentioned it again.
Another $.02 and more advice than you want: it's been over 20 years since my father died. He was not a particularly good parent. Regardless of that fact, any kindness I was able to do for him in his last months is something that I'm glad I did. Any kindness I neglected to do is something I regret.
|by A.G.||reply 14||01/09/2013|
Contact me! I'll give your father's bondage equipment a good home and take good care of it!
|by A.G.||reply 15||01/09/2013|
R5 is a wacko
[quote]When I was ready, I wanted to be able to know what the name of the shade of lipstick and eye shadow she wore, what the name of her favorite perfume was, if any hair was left in her hairbrush.
and R7 lol
|by A.G.||reply 16||01/09/2013|
My dad died recently and they stuffed his cheeks like a chipmunk and gave him rouge. He looked more like my grossma. Plus, I had to pick out a suit which no longer fit him properly.
Your dear father would probably want to be buried in the finer bondage wear. It would make the undertaker's job so much more easy if there's a gimp mask involved.
Best of luck.
|by A.G.||reply 17||01/09/2013|
You're a good daughter, OP. I hope some of the suggestions people have offered here are a help to you, and bring peace of mind to your father. Take care.
|by A.G.||reply 18||01/09/2013|
R14's post is wise and kind.
|by A.G.||reply 19||01/09/2013|
I'm judging r7. That's fucking disgusting.
|by A.G.||reply 20||01/09/2013|
What an Extremely Sensitive Topic to have to face.
|by A.G.||reply 21||01/09/2013|
Sorry, OP. Words are pretty meaningless, I know.
I think r14 offers some very sound advice.
|by A.G.||reply 22||01/09/2013|
I can't fault anything R14 said, but the "$.02" shit, instead of "two cents," indicates there is something seriously wrong with the poster under that wrapping of wise and even-handed niceness.
I mean, she used it twice.
|by A.G.||reply 23||01/09/2013|
I did tell my father that the "head in the box" was in a dumpster across town. He hadn't asked about it, but breathed a sigh of relief when I discreetly mentioned it. I do know the priest threw up after visiting him, though. He told the nurses it was food poisoning. I guess the vow held.
|by A.G.||reply 24||01/09/2013|
OP, you can't be serious.
Going through your dad's shit and finding ENEMA KITS and weird outfits for Barbie dolls? Are you sure he's not a fucking serial killer? I'd leave the crap there. Hell, I'd festoon it all over his room. Then I'd video it and post it on YouTube with his name on it. And I'd make sure that everyone he knew saw it. Then I'd go to the hospital and tell him what I'd done.
Tolerance is one thing, but I think your dad is just plain psycho creepy.
|by A.G.||reply 25||01/09/2013|
Wow, R25; you out-psycho'd me.
|by A.G.||reply 26||01/09/2013|
Judge not lest ye be judged r25, frauishness becomes no one.
|by A.G.||reply 27||01/09/2013|
Oh, knock it off, R27--the dad is a freak! Imagine leaving that behind for your kids to clean up. Handling dad's poo-encrusted dildos?! Sifting through his bondage Barbie collection? Picturing Dad with an enema hose shoved up his ass!!!??? OP has got to be kidding. I wouldn't want to remember my dad like that.
|by A.G.||reply 28||01/09/2013|
Donate dad's treasures to the underprivileged, like an orphanage, or lending library.
|by A.G.||reply 29||01/09/2013|
It sounds like R7's father already striped the sheets.
|by A.G.||reply 30||01/09/2013|
a friend of mine died suddenly years ago, leaving behind his vast (and expensive) trove of porn and leather and bondage gear. his best friends sanitized his place before his parents came out to go through his things but kept his collection together. after his parents returned to their home state, the best friends had a gathering (wake? memorial? party?) just for his gay friends where people were invited to take what they wanted so it all didn't end up in a landfill. it was actually a fun event as we remembered him and giggled over the accessories of his hobby. i scored chaps.
|by A.G.||reply 31||01/09/2013|
OP, don't keep the stuff in your car.
|by A.G.||reply 32||01/09/2013|
R31 hits the bars wearing the cum stained chaps of a dead man.
|by A.G.||reply 33||01/09/2013|
6/10 cause 90% of you idiots believed him. Um, do we REALLY think this is true:
"The clothespins and mousetrap and enema kits I have no trouble throwing in a dumpster."
And what the line about him having Barbie and Ken dolls that he designs outfits for.
You people are retarted to believe this!
|by A.G.||reply 34||01/09/2013|
Yeah r28, and I'm sure you're just as squeaky clean as can be and pure as the driven snow, right? I'm not saying one way or another what the old man was or wasn't, I never met him and neither have you. I agree it would be an eye opener but that's life, deal with it. Not everyone is or I'm sure can ever hope to be the obvious paragon of virtue that you seem to want everyone to think you are. As I said, frauishness becomes no one, especially you r28.
|by A.G.||reply 35||01/09/2013|
No one likes a frau, but no one likes a killjoy, either r34.
This thread is fucking hilarious, EST or not.
It's an example of the better side of DL.
Some people chime in with genuine advice, others riff on the details, corrections are made to previous posters, an occasional good bit of sarcasm gets in and everyone is happy.
I desperately needed a laugh today and this thread provided it.
The only thing worse than the EST screamers are the gossip deniers.
|by A.G.||reply 36||01/09/2013|
r36: we know who you are and we saw what you did.
|by A.G.||reply 37||01/09/2013|
R5 is not wacko, just sentimental and misses his/her mom, which speaks to a loving relationship.
OP, I second the idea to get it out of your car (can you just imagine if anyone came across that? How do you explain satisfactorily?)
Also, don't make any decisions with his stuff til he is in the ground. Really. There is no need to be in a rush.
|by A.G.||reply 38||01/09/2013|
Don't you tell me what I can or can't do! Those days are over! And if I want to have an affair, or play sex games, or do M&M's, you can't stop me!
|by A.G.||reply 39||01/09/2013|
listen to r14, OP.
and there's nothing "psycho" about r5.
|by A.G.||reply 40||01/09/2013|
yes R5 is wacko
The line about wanting to know if there was any hair left in the brush is the tip of the iceberg. Perhaps the loving child wanted to wrap the hair is one of mummy's hankies and keep it near at all times.
|by A.G.||reply 42||01/10/2013|
OP, it's none of your business, so just leave it be.
|by A.G.||reply 43||01/10/2013|
[quote]You may find that after a loved one passes that the objects closest to them in life will be of invaluable comfort to you in your grief....I know the realm of your dad's sex toys is different, but you may find that one of them can serve as an affectionate keepsake.
I may never stop laughing!
|by A.G.||reply 44||01/10/2013|
I am deeply disturbed that OP stole his father's accoutrements, just when his father is most likely to want a little happiness - to say nothing of distraction -- in his life.
|by A.G.||reply 45||01/10/2013|
I am willing to take this as a serious post. R14 has it right.
An elderly friend of ours has asked me to get rid of his considerable trove of porn and especially his "pumper" equipment after he passes away. He doesn't want the female friend who is his executor to have to deal with it. Too bad there is not a market for VHS porn tapes as he would certainly approve of us cashing out whatever we could!
But for now, he is just happy that someone will take care of it who won't be horrified by what they find!
And to all my fellow aging gay friends: if you haven't and can afford it, please buy long term care insurance, so your final years can be in a decent place and you are not trapped in your inappropriate and unsafe residence. While I love my nephews and nieces, I am not depending on them to take care of me, much less pay anything!
|by A.G.||reply 47||01/10/2013|
Do not forget the endless possibilities of eBay.
|by A.G.||reply 48||01/10/2013|
Oh, just give it to some needy sexy people.
|by A.G.||reply 50||01/10/2013|
I mostly agree with r4, but r14 makes good sense too.
But, throwing it all out now insures that nobody will find it later and freak the fuck out.
Just dump (most) of it.
|by A.G.||reply 51||01/10/2013|
Hi all, OP here. Much good advice, especially r14.
Just got home from the hospital so I am mentally fried. His cognitive decline continues. This morning he couldn't remember where he was. There is no question of him ever returning home; if he makes it out of the hospital it will be to go straight into a skilled nursing care facility. I have no idea whether he is concerned about us finding his stuff; my concern is that my sister would be really freaked out. I don't think he's in any way dangerous, or was before his brain started being turned to pudding. All evidence is that he was the one who liked to be on the receiving end of things.
I used rubber gloves when bagging this stuff up: I consider it a favor that I was able to do for him and for the family that would have been difficult for someone less stone cold hearted than I. I'm not going to throw it out while he is alive, nor am I going to donate it or any of that; but in the meantime, I do have it in the trunk of my car. I had to get it out of the house because I just had the keys to his place copied for my sister. She could legitimately need to go in there looking for financial paperwork (she's got business sense, I have none) and I don't want her to come across the stuff.
So where should I store this stuff in the meantime? Most of my friends have kids so they wouldn't want that around.
I only wish this were an EST thread, but it isn't. In fact, before the discovery of the items in question, I posted the story of discovering my father had an aggressive brain tumor in a thread asking people about their worst Christmas ever.
|by A.G.||reply 52||01/10/2013|
I can undestand where Ris coming from. When my grandparents died, I was so disappointed I couldn't walk through their house one more time. Looking at the familiar objects I grew up with. My grandmothers bedroom set, her makeup, her pots/pans. My grandfather's tools, his shirts, his books. All was wiped out by an uncle who leveled the house and sold the land. I drove by the lot a year ago and my grandfathers tool shed is still standing. I wish I had the guts to ask the current owners if I could rummage through it in case anything is left over.
I used to love going through my living grandmothers makeup case when I was a kid. I hope I can still do that before she goes too.
Yes, I have a lock of my dead dogs curly fur in a hankie.
|by A.G.||reply 53||01/10/2013|
I think I remember your previous post, OP. Glioblastoma? My mother died of that as well.
I understand the attachment to things in the grieving process. After my mother's death, no one wanted to touch her glasses, left on a shelf in the bathroom. But when my sister threw them out, I was hysterical. I didn't want them but when they were gone it was so final: she was gone.
Does your Dad's bondage gear mean something to you? Does it symbolize a bond that you didn't know was there?
In any event, I'd get rid of it. He kept it secret, so you should, too.
As for R7, it isn't that weird. I am an RN and used to work in the MICU and lots of family members request the stained bedsheets of loved ones. I think it's creepy but I always handed them over. Grieving is complex.
|by A.G.||reply 54||01/10/2013|
Sending you some support vibes, R52. And you going beyond the call of duty makes your dad lucky to have you care for this matter. Wrt the items, Self-storage? Or box and tape it up real good and pay someone with spare garage space for short storage time?
|by A.G.||reply 55||01/10/2013|
by chance could you email me some photos and your asking price
|by A.G.||reply 57||01/10/2013|
You may want to look into your local laws if you intend to keep driving around with this stuff. In some jurisdictions it is illegal to keep weapons in the car.
|by A.G.||reply 59||01/10/2013|
[quote] When I was ready, I wanted to be able to know what the name of the shade of lipstick and eye shadow she wore, what the name of her favorite perfume was, if any hair was left in her hairbrush.
I understand completely.
|by A.G.||reply 60||01/10/2013|
That stuff probably carries alot of negative energy. Whats the point of trying to figure out what to do with it? Just throw it away and rid yourself of that filth.
|by A.G.||reply 61||01/11/2013|
Sell it to an American Horror Story fan. SOMEONE must plan on going as Rubberman for Halloween.
|by A.G.||reply 62||01/11/2013|
Whip him unmercifully about 500 times,I'm sure He'll love it !
|by A.G.||reply 63||01/11/2013|
[quote]You may find that after a loved one passes that the objects closest to them in life will be of invaluable comfort to you in your grief
*OP sobs and clutches enema bag to his heaving bosom*
|by A.G.||reply 64||01/11/2013|
Guys (m or f), if I told you what happened this afternoon, I would be branded permanently EST and never would a post of mine be believed...I can barely believe the day's events myself. My life turned into some kind of Lifetime movie this afternoon.
For some readers this would undermine their belief in my original story, but it is, absurdly, the truth. Have any of you long-time denizens had a life event so outrageously far-out that you felt as though you were in a movie? A BAD made for cable TV movie?
I have had some wine so I am turning my underbelly up and asking, should I post what happened today as an addendum to the saga, knowing I will be excoriated as a fraud because it is TOO EST-like for a reasonable DL-er to believe? Or is it better to just let it lie?
|by A.G.||reply 65||01/11/2013|
r65/OP, go for it.
Most of us are cynical, but the really vicious EST screamers are a minority, if a pain in the ass.
I'm curious-please post.
Did your car got stolen with the gear inside? That was my first thought on reading your post.
|by A.G.||reply 66||01/11/2013|
I believe you, OP. Two reasons:
1) My own father turned out to be a "kinky homosexual" who was into under-aged teens. But we all knew that before he died. Unfortunately, he was also an unlikeable narcissistic creep from whom I was estranged for decades. Didn't want to go through his post-mortem stuff. Instead, I let a fundamentalist X-tian sibling who defended him ($$) do that.
2)I am gay and have am impressive collection of dildos and lubes in various drawers all over my house. Was gravely ill a while ago and didn't care who might discover my toys -- and I thought about it. I have hurt no one and did not take advantage of the vulnerable.
Your Dad is a submissive bottom who you love and (hopefully) didn't harm others while getting his groove on. Good for you for removing his stuff. If you loved him, he must have been an OK guy.
On another note, in the 90's my ex had accumulated three shopping bags full of VHS porn tapes. OK, a few of them were mine. We don't have a lot of space. I drove for 3 weeks with them in the trunk of my car. Did not want all that plastic to end up in landfill, and I know that someone would enjoy them. A gay Goodwill type store wouldn't take them, so I put them out on a corner in the gayborhood. Gone in 15 minutes.
Good luck. Sorry that your Dad is sick. Your story is entirely plausible. Not everyone gets a squeaky clean father like Mr. Mike Brady. Oh, wait...
|by A.G.||reply 67||01/11/2013|
OP, if your brother already knew Dad wax into "some seriously kinky shit" then let him handle the disposition of the related objects.
They may even mean something to him; perhaps he dabbles in the scene as well - like father like son.
|by A.G.||reply 68||01/12/2013|
Okay, here goes. First, a disclaimer or two: the current situation is due to incompetence on the part of one doctor. I feel as though I have gone from sounding like an EST to feeling as though I am in a bad Lifetime movie, perhaps "Doctor, may I go home with tumor?"
I learned as I was on the way to the hospital to hear the final pathology report that the dipshit attending who read it to him and the sibling present hadn't read his chart and told him he could leave the hospital and return to see the radiation and oncology team next Friday. When he discovered his error all heck broke loose as right-thinking people involved in his care were horrified and tried everything to get him to stay at least another night until we could find a care situation...no dice, and he hasn't been declared incompetent to make these decisions so Medical Power of Attorney (which I have) doesn't come into play.
So I stopped at his place on the way to the hospital and did what I could to put stuff back in some semblance of the order it was in, because his diagnosis is very bad and it is quite possible he will not live long, and though he is really out of it, he does sometimes know where he is.
It felt dramatic while I was doing it, but after that, things in this "drama" have been exhaustingly banal. Will he take the pills that keep the swelling down in his brain, or will he miss enough of them that it will return and crush the base of his brain? Will he be able to keep his promise not to drive, or will he find a spare key to his vehicle and with his judgment impaired, decide he is fine to drive and must do some shopping, and either run someone over or get completely lost? Stay tuned...this sucks a lot...thanks DL...
|by A.G.||reply 69||01/12/2013|
You're heart was in the right place OP. I'd do the same for my old man.
|by A.G.||reply 70||01/12/2013|
OP, if you feel so strongly that he should be in the hospital or in hospice, why on earth have you not arranged round the clock care for him at home?
In the mean time, it's quite a simple thing to take his car and park it at a family member's, house telling him it had to be "brought into the shop for repair."
|by A.G.||reply 71||01/12/2013|
[quote]Donate it to Out of the Closet and take the tax write off.
Because every town in America has one of those.
|by A.G.||reply 72||01/12/2013|
Sell it on ebay!!!There is always a market.
|by A.G.||reply 73||01/12/2013|
R71, we hadn't arranged that yet because he was not supposed to be released from the hospital yet. We have been working on arranging care for him but it is not an overnight thing when someone has no health insurance and we were initially told he absolutely would NOT be released until that was already in place. Then, blammo, one idiot doctor says the wrong thing and we end up with my father discharging himself late afternoon on a Friday. We have appointments with a couple of agencies on Monday, but that leaves the weekend.
Having said that, your idea about simply moving the truck where he can't get to it is a really good one. I'm mentally exhausted from this ridiculous last week or I might have thought of it, or might not...thanks for that. I actually live near enough that I could bike over, throw my bike in the back of his truck, and drive it back to my place.
|by A.G.||reply 74||01/12/2013|
Ag op First of all Op I am not laughing at your situation. I can well believe it is the truth. When time allows would you give us all an update? As for,your,orig. post, what to do with the sm stuff, well, I,guess for now you had to put it back, but when the time comes, take it to the Salvation Army, or even Goodwill. can you imagine the looks on their faces when you drop the stuff off and ask for a receipt for taxes????? anyway g-d bless.
|by A.G.||reply 75||01/18/2013|
Put them in his coffin, he´ll need them in hell.
|by A.G.||reply 76||01/18/2013|
R76 SHAME ON YOU. SHAME!!!!!!!! This is. Person in pain. SHAME!!!!
|by A.G.||reply 77||01/18/2013|
R75, thank you for your good thoughts. I haven't posted for a while because nothing new is really happening. It's just a lot of going to meet doctors, finding out one new bit of information each time, while we wait for him to start radiation and chemo.
He's increasingly confused, so I'm not so worried about whether he thinks anything is amiss with his stuff.
They can do only one round of radiation because they will give him the max the brain can take; they can continue chemo after that however. One of his doctors said to expect about 12 good quality months of life, then the tumor will likely begin growing again.
At least there's no more drama. Knowing is better, even when it's bad news.
|by A.G.||reply 78||01/20/2013|