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How Would Christianity Be Different if Liza was Jesus


by Anonymousreply 19903/09/2013

You mean she isn't?

by Anonymousreply 101/06/2013

When taking communion you'd get a full glass of wine, not just a tiny sip.

by Anonymousreply 201/06/2013

The Last Supper would be attended by Halston.

by Anonymousreply 301/06/2013

There would be countless Renaissance portraits of Judy Garland.

by Anonymousreply 401/06/2013

Children would be taught Bob Fosse moves in Sunday school.

by Anonymousreply 501/06/2013

The signature miracle would be the turning of water into vodka.

by Anonymousreply 701/06/2013

The Pope would wear tight t-shirts and crotchless chaps.

by Anonymousreply 801/06/2013

On Ash Wednesday, you'd get a smudge of Bolivian blow on your forehead.

by Anonymousreply 901/06/2013

"Hail Judy, full of drugs, Liza spewed from Thee..."

by Anonymousreply 1001/06/2013

Raising Momma from the dead would be the signature miracle

by Anonymousreply 1101/06/2013

There'd be no more talk about the mother being a virgin.

by Anonymousreply 1301/06/2013

The battle for the Holy Land would be centered in New Yooooork, New Yoooooooork.

by Anonymousreply 1401/06/2013

David Gest would be the richer by thirty pieces of silver.

by Anonymousreply 1501/06/2013

Judy would have been visited by the three Weissmanns--Herbert, Sylvia and little Arnie.

by Anonymousreply 1601/06/2013

Talk about a come back!

by Anonymousreply 1701/06/2013

The Resurrection would open at Carnegie Hall, $300 a pop.

by Anonymousreply 1801/06/2013

The books of the New Testament would be a series of live recordings.

by Anonymousreply 1901/06/2013

Liza would have THE most fabulous apostles.

by Anonymousreply 2001/06/2013

"on the third day she rose from the dead for another comeback at the Palace."

by Anonymousreply 2101/06/2013

Georgia would be one of the apostles.

by Anonymousreply 2201/06/2013

Scorsese would have given her the lead in 'The Last Temptation of Christ.'

by Anonymousreply 2301/06/2013

The Crucifixion would be a scathing review in the Post.

by Anonymousreply 2401/06/2013

Liturgy vestments would be called "boyfriend jackets."

by Anonymousreply 2501/06/2013

It would be called the Lasht Shupper.

by Anonymousreply 2601/06/2013

Shouldn't the question be "if Liza were Jesus" instead of "if Liza was Jesus." Just wondering.

by Anonymousreply 2701/06/2013


Nowdo your pennance by praing in front of the sequin-covered basillca.

by Anonymousreply 2801/06/2013

Christianity was founded on control of women.

It would have never happened in the first place.

by Anonymousreply 2901/06/2013

All the church hymns would be by Kander & Ebb!

"That's Liza with a Z not List with a S for S is SATAN!"

by Anonymousreply 3001/06/2013

And on the third day

she rose again from a blackout

Ascended to cold porcelain

and sharteth on the right side of the seat

by Anonymousreply 3101/06/2013

She'd turn the water into vodka

by Anonymousreply 3201/06/2013

She would rise from the grave, belting, "Maybe this time I'll be lucky...."

by Anonymousreply 3301/06/2013

This thread is funnier than I expected

by Anonymousreply 3401/06/2013

I get my DREAMS from Our Father who Art in Heaven, but my DRIVE from my mother!

by Anonymousreply 3501/06/2013

Three words: Peter Allen Magdalene.

by Anonymousreply 3601/06/2013

The three wise men bring: gold, frankincense and sequins!

by Anonymousreply 3701/06/2013

The catechism would be replaced by the exortation, "Do it for Mama!"

by Anonymousreply 3801/06/2013

Andy Warhol would have sold Turin Shroud screenprints.

by Anonymousreply 3901/06/2013

Thirty talents? Thirty is NUTHIN!

by Anonymousreply 4001/06/2013

The altar boys would be twenty-three year old club queens who sashay up to the altar with bitchy attitude.

by Anonymousreply 4101/06/2013

Straight men would watch musicals.

by Anonymousreply 4201/06/2013

[quote]Turin Shroud screenprints

Talk about a redundancy.

by Anonymousreply 4301/06/2013

The word "blessed" throughout the Beatitudes would be replaced by "sensational."

by Anonymousreply 4401/06/2013

Marrying a gay man would be the norm.

by Anonymousreply 4501/06/2013

"Vestments, People! All eyes are on me, but my eyes are stuck with you. Let's keep them happy!"

by Anonymousreply 4601/06/2013

Pilgrims from around the globe would head for the site of Studio 54.

by Anonymousreply 4701/06/2013

We would all think her name was Jeshush.

by Anonymousreply 4801/06/2013

It would totally ruin my favorite story about Tallulah Bankhead at St. Patrick's cathedral. And that would be a pity, because for the moment, it is my only story about Tallulah Bankhead at St. Patrick's cathedral. Surely there cannot have been many occasions to chronicle. But if Liza had been Jesus, perhaps there would have been.

That's what I think about, sometimes.

by Anonymousreply 4901/06/2013

"The other day, someone said to me, 'Lisa, love the hat!' And I said, 'Thanks! But the name is Jesus, not Lisa; and this isn't a hat, it's my halo!'"

by Anonymousreply 5001/06/2013

About the woman taken in adultery: "He that is without shin among you, let him casht the firsht shtone at her."

To the woman taken in adultery: "Go, and shin no more."

by Anonymousreply 5101/06/2013

It would have been even easier for Christianity to replace Judy-ism.

by Anonymousreply 5201/06/2013

"When my baby smiles at me I go to Heaven..."

by Anonymousreply 5301/06/2013

All of the hymns would be written by Kander and Ebb.

by Anonymousreply 5401/06/2013

Fox News would be covering "The War on Cabaretmas".

by Anonymousreply 5501/06/2013

Dancing and gay male sex would be sacraments. Music in churches would be better.

by Anonymousreply 5601/06/2013

That cross would've been made by some fabulous designer.

by Anonymousreply 5701/06/2013

Lloyd Webber's breakthrough musical would have been "Liza M Superstar."

by Anonymousreply 5801/06/2013

[quote]Shouldn't the question be "if Liza were Jesus" instead of "if Liza was Jesus." Just wondering.

R27. Yes! When using the word "if," the auxiliary verb should be the plural form, meaning you must use "were" not "was."

Correct usuage: How would Christianity be different if Liza WERE Jesus.

by Anonymousreply 5901/06/2013

We'd have to ring them bells; We'd have to ring them bells....

by Anonymousreply 6001/06/2013

Vincente Minnelli would have directed "The Greatest Story Ever Told."

by Anonymousreply 6101/06/2013

All the priests would have been ga...oh wait.

by Anonymousreply 6301/06/2013

Judas would have been named Lorna.

by Anonymousreply 6401/06/2013

"Correct usuage: How would Christianity be different if Liza WERE Jesus."

Grammar Nazis should spell check

by Anonymousreply 6501/06/2013

Services would conclude with the collection plate passed around while the organist plays "Money."

by Anonymousreply 6601/06/2013

Churches would allow smoking.

by Anonymousreply 6701/06/2013

dumbest thread ever

by Anonymousreply 6801/06/2013

I like royal blue.

by Anonymousreply 6901/06/2013

Well, look at Christopher Hitchens at R68!

by Anonymousreply 7001/06/2013

I am happy we got this were and was thing figured out.

by Anonymousreply 7101/06/2013

Yes, R71, so is I.

by Anonymousreply 7201/06/2013

Mass would start with, "Gather around, I've got a story to tell..."

by Anonymousreply 7301/06/2013

Sigmata would consist of long, black, spidery eyelashes.

by Anonymousreply 7401/06/2013

BC = Before Cabaret

AD = After Drugs

by Anonymousreply 7501/06/2013

Men would have to have the babies. Think about that.

by Anonymousreply 7601/06/2013

How high were you when you posted this question, OP?

I'll have what you're having.

by Anonymousreply 7701/06/2013

Instead of dying for our sins, she's find our sins to die for!

by Anonymousreply 7801/06/2013

"I just started working with clay" would be a powerful mantra.

by Anonymousreply 7901/06/2013

When burly mechanic and truck driver types got upset they'd scream


by Anonymousreply 8001/06/2013

The Eucharistic host would be made from Cream ... of CHHHWHEAT!

by Anonymousreply 8101/06/2013

Lorna Luft would be Judas.

by Anonymousreply 8201/06/2013

Ann Miller would be the patron saint of hoarders.

by Anonymousreply 8301/06/2013

And Esther Williams patron saint of swimming pools.

by Anonymousreply 8401/06/2013

Grace Khelly would suffer a shtroke and die in a horrific car crash for shtealing Mama's Ohscar.

by Anonymousreply 8501/06/2013

Call and response at the end of service... Pastor: You are my mentor. Congregation: You are my mentor, too.

by Anonymousreply 8601/06/2013

The holy spirit would be rubbing alcohol

by Anonymousreply 8701/06/2013

The confessional booths would be staffed by reporters from The National Enquirer.

by Anonymousreply 8801/06/2013

This would be my Christmas card.

by Anonymousreply 8901/06/2013

So Liza walks into a hotel, hands the clerk three nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

by Anonymousreply 9001/06/2013

So many funny ones here, how did the Halston one get W&W? Am I missing something from that "joke"?

by Anonymousreply 9101/06/2013

R75 wins the whole thread.

by Anonymousreply 9201/06/2013

Bet thread in a long while. Thanks, fellash!

by Anonymousreply 9301/06/2013

Tony Danza would be Pope Detoxus VII.

by Anonymousreply 9401/06/2013

She wouldn't be betrayed by Judas....she'd be betrayed by LORNA.

by Anonymousreply 9501/06/2013

Hi R91.

Tuesday, January 3, 1978

When I got home from the office I made a lot of phone calls, then walked over to Halston’s to pick up Bianca, she was cooking like a Puerto Rican, and she had the whole house smelled up with onions and hamburgers, she had them out on the counter. We cabbed up to 86th Street ($2.75) and we finally hit Saturday Night Fever at the right time and were able to get in. Well, the movie was just great. That bridge thing was the best scene—and the lines were great. It’s I guess the new kind of fantasy movie, you’re supposed to stay where you are. The old movies were things like Dead End and you had to get out of the dead end and make it to Park Avenue and now they’re telling you that it’s better off to stay where you are in Brooklyn—to avoid Park Avenue because it would just make you unhappy. It’s about people who would never even think about crossing the bridge, that’s the fantasy. And they played up Travolta’s big solo dance number, but then at the end they made the dance number with the girl so nothing, so underplayed. They were smart. And New York looked so exciting, didn’t it? The Brooklyn Bridge and New York. Stevie Rubell wants to do a disco movie, but I don’t think you could do another one, this one was so great. But why didn’t they do it as a play first? What was this first, a short story? They should have milked it—done it as a play first and it would have run forever.

Bianca fell asleep. Somewhere in the theater we found Dr. Giller. But he had related to the movie so well that he wanted to see it again, so we left him there and went back to Halston’s

Halston and Bianca were in the kitchen together cooking, and he said he had so much energy he wanted to go dancing. He told me lots of gossip—he said that the night before when the doorbell rang it was Liza Minnelli. Her life’s very complicated now. Like she was walking down the street with Jack Haley her husband and they’d run into Martin Scorsese who she’s now having an affair with, and Marty confronted her that she was also having an affair with Baryshnikov and Marty said how could she. This is going on with her husband, Jack Haley, standing there! And Halston said that it was all true, and he also said that Jack Haley wasn’t gay. You see? I was right, I didn’t think so. Halston said Jack likes Liza but that what he really goes for is big curvy blonde women. So when the doorbell rang the night before, it was Liza in a hat pulled down so nobody would recognize her, and she said to Halston, “Give me every drug you’ve got.” So he gave her a bottle of coke, a few sticks of marijuana, a Valium, four Quaaludes, and they were all wrapped in a tiny box, and then a little figure in a white hat came up on the stoop and kissed Halston, and it was Marty Scorsese, he’d been hiding around the corner, and then he and Liza went off to have their affair on all the drugs.

by Anonymousreply 9601/06/2013

There would be no resurrection, just a whole lotta "comebacks"!

by Anonymousreply 9701/06/2013

She would have been baptized in the River Hudson by the prophet Kay Thompson.

by Anonymousreply 9801/07/2013

Godspell would be ten times better.

by Anonymousreply 9901/07/2013

No crucifixes as necklaces, but jewelry by Liza!

by Anonymousreply 10001/07/2013

Great theological arguments would center over whether or not Liza and Eloise were two divine entities or one.

by Anonymousreply 10101/07/2013

Water wouldn't need to be turned into wine. Water would be wine.

by Anonymousreply 10201/07/2013

you would see this hanging in every home

by Anonymousreply 10301/07/2013

R103 owes me a new keyboard. Mine now has small bits of partially-chewed pizza between the keys.

by Anonymousreply 10401/07/2013

It would have gone nowhere because once she realized she could turn water into wine, she would just get drunk and do nothing else.

by Anonymousreply 10501/07/2013

SHE would have worn the Crown of Thorns, rather than IT wearing HER!

by Anonymousreply 10601/07/2013

"Western" society would be matriarchal, and men would be prostitutes for women more than the other way around. Women would be the pursuers and select husbands. Brothers would work for their sisters until approx. the Industrial Revolution. Men would currently be fighting for equal pay and the right to buy condoms and have vasectomies/not father children that they don't want.

by Anonymousreply 10701/07/2013

Lorna would be even more jealous.

Joe would like white and gold.

by Anonymousreply 10801/07/2013

Still laughing from yesterday at r44.

"Sensational are the poor in spirit..."

"Sensational are the peacemakers..."

by Anonymousreply 10901/07/2013

R52 wins, tho it was closhe

by Anonymousreply 11001/07/2013

The National Anthem would be Judy's version of Battle Hymn of the Republic...

by Anonymousreply 11101/07/2013

The holy trinity would consist of 'the ice, the slice, and the holy spirit'

by Anonymousreply 11201/07/2013

Favorite thread ever.

by Anonymousreply 11301/07/2013

The disciples would all be members of The Lollipop Guild.

by Anonymousreply 11401/07/2013

Thank you R22 - the best laugh I have had in a long time!

by Anonymousreply 11501/07/2013

[quote]Ann Miller would be the patron saint of hoarders.

And the gifts of the Magi would include karn con holders.

by Anonymousreply 11601/07/2013

Nuns' habits would be replicas of her "Mein Herr" costume.

by Anonymousreply 11701/07/2013

The three wise men would be the Atchison, Topeka and the Santa Fe....

by Anonymousreply 11801/07/2013

Actually, R118, I think that the three wisemen would have been Roger Edens, Harold Arlen and Arthur Freed, with Kay Thompson omitted only for reasons of gender.

by Anonymousreply 11901/08/2013

Instead of throwing the money-changers out of the temple, she'd have led them in a chorus of "Money Makes the World Go Round."

by Anonymousreply 12001/08/2013

If the Three Wise Men had been Frank, Dean and Sammy, Pontius Pilate would've been whacked.

by Anonymousreply 12101/09/2013

The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel would have been painted by Joe Eula.

by Anonymousreply 12201/09/2013

The Holy Grail by Elsa Peretti for Tiffany&Co.

by Anonymousreply 12301/09/2013

R121, Sammy gave up Christianity and became a Jew. Liza would have been devastated.

R 122, do you really believe that Joe Eula thought about painting while on his back?

by Anonymousreply 12401/09/2013

Liza collapses a third time.

by Anonymousreply 12501/09/2013

The Devil would look an awful like Louis B. Mayer.

by Anonymousreply 12601/09/2013

You'd keep your Bible on the coffee table.

by Anonymousreply 12701/09/2013

My gold lamé dress from Hit the Deck would be on display at the Cathedral at Chartres.

by Anonymousreply 12801/09/2013

If Liza was Jesus that would make Judy God?

by Anonymousreply 12901/09/2013

[quote]If Liza was Jesus that would make Judy God?

No, it would make her the Madonna. Instead of Ave Maria, the faithful would show their devotion by singing Swanee.

by Anonymousreply 13001/09/2013

Louise Veronica Ciccone would be known as... Louise Veronica Ciccone.

by Anonymousreply 13101/09/2013

"The Agony and the Ecstasy" would have been about the life of Mark Gero.

by Anonymousreply 13201/09/2013

Good Friday would be Fabulous Friday.

by Anonymousreply 13301/09/2013

We'd all gather 'round the Christmas tree and sing "Losing My Mind."

by Anonymousreply 13401/09/2013

LOL r132, that took me a minute.

by Anonymousreply 13501/10/2013

Instead of saying grace over a hearty meal we would say it over pills and liquor.

by Anonymousreply 13601/10/2013

Truman Capote as Judas Iscariot

by Anonymousreply 13701/10/2013

St. Patrick's Cathedral would be on Broadway and it would cost a hundred bucks to light a candle.

by Anonymousreply 13801/10/2013

Somehow I would imagine the Immaculate Conception would be pretty much true.

by Anonymousreply 13901/10/2013

Preparation for the priesthood would include dance lessons in Jazz and Tap.

by Anonymousreply 14001/10/2013

Every church would be very happy-clappy.

by Anonymousreply 14101/10/2013

"Liza with a Z" would replace the "Our Father".

by Anonymousreply 14201/10/2013

"Liza with a 'Z'" would replace the "Our Father".

by Anonymousreply 14301/10/2013

People would refer to "the Virgin Judy" without snickering.

by Anonymousreply 14401/10/2013

Betty Ford Clinic would be renamed Bethlehem.

by Anonymousreply 14501/10/2013

Satan would be a synonym for Streisand.

by Anonymousreply 14601/10/2013

In a parallel universe Liza IS the christ.

by Anonymousreply 14701/10/2013

In hotel rooms The Bible would be in the mini-bar.

by Anonymousreply 14801/10/2013

during the communion ceremony you would get a puff of cigarette instead of a wafer

by Anonymousreply 14901/10/2013

The communion wafers are Quaaludes.

by Anonymousreply 15001/10/2013

And at the time of your death, you will find yourself standing in judgement before Steve Rubell.

by Anonymousreply 15101/10/2013

I'm sorry, but some of these just crack me up ! Keep em coming!

by Anonymousreply 15201/10/2013

In "The Twelve Days of Christmas," "six geese a-laying" would be replaced with "a shixshpack of Schlitzsh."

by Anonymousreply 15301/10/2013

And you'd stand under the mistletoe if you want to get fucked.

by Anonymousreply 15401/10/2013

Here you go, r153.

by Anonymousreply 15501/10/2013

Oops. I'm on the 9th day of Christmas.

by Anonymousreply 15601/10/2013

The Vatican would be home to Saint Chita's Cathedral.

by Anonymousreply 15701/10/2013

If Liza was Jesus I'd jump in the air

And give all my toe-shoes to you.

I'd get all those hair ribbons out of my hair,

And once and for all I'd get . . .

Hey, I like blue!

by Anonymousreply 15801/11/2013

Nun habits would consist of: black velvet halter top, black sequined tap shorts, bowler hat, necklace, garter belt, fishnet stockings, and lace-up boots.

by Anonymousreply 15901/11/2013

[quote]Nun habits would consist of: black velvet halter top, black sequined tap shorts, bowler hat, necklace, garter belt, fishnet stockings, and lace-up boots.

And topped with boyfriend jackets.

by Anonymousreply 16001/11/2013

R151, it's been pretty well established that Steve Rubell thought of himself as Saint Peter.

by Anonymousreply 16101/11/2013

Forty days in the wilderness would be an Inpatient Treatment Program at Betty Ford Center.

by Anonymousreply 16201/11/2013

Uh, what do you mean by IF?

by Anonymousreply 16301/11/2013

"Maybe This Time, I'll Live" would be sung on Good Friday.

by Anonymousreply 16401/11/2013

The Stations of the Cross would be a musical with all the, people dressed in sequins, and there would totally be a reprise!

by Anonymousreply 16501/11/2013

She would have resurrected Elsie.

"What good is rotting alone in your tomb, come here the mushic play..."

by Anonymousreply 16601/11/2013

A grilled cheese sandwich bearing the likeness of Liza Minnelli would sell on eBay for $28,000.

by Anonymousreply 16701/11/2013

Judy Garland would star as herself in MGM's all-singing, all-dancing TECHNICOLOR production of "Song of Bernadette."

by Anonymousreply 16801/11/2013

Easter Parade would have been a Cecil B. DeMille biblical epic.

by Anonymousreply 16901/11/2013

There would be a controversial Christian organization called "Jews for Liza".

by Anonymousreply 17001/11/2013

Jezus ... with a Z!

by Anonymousreply 17101/11/2013

It would certainly be more difficult to argue certain elder gays make too much of Judy.

by Anonymousreply 17201/12/2013

Instead of wafers and wine, communion would consist of valium and vodka.

Instead of making the Sign of the Cross, Jazz Hands!!!

by Anonymousreply 17301/12/2013

Instead of turning water into wine, her first miracle would have been making a star out of Lorna Luft.

by Anonymousreply 17401/12/2013

Halston would have designed The Shroud of Turin.

by Anonymousreply 17501/12/2013

Apocrypha would be a disco bar she passed out in wearing a silver pantsuit and a black bra for a blouse.

by Anonymousreply 17601/12/2013

The four evangelists all would be named Bruce.

by Anonymousreply 17701/12/2013

It would finally be recognized that, no, of course Vincente Minelli was not her biological father.

by Anonymousreply 17801/12/2013

She would have cleared the agents out of the lobby of the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.

by Anonymousreply 17901/12/2013

Well, in addition to being scourged at the pillar and crowned with thorns - being stoned!

by Anonymousreply 18001/12/2013

Instead of spending her last night at the Garden of Olives, she would have spent it at the Olive Garden.

by Anonymousreply 18101/12/2013

Her scene in CABARET where she returns home after her father didn't show up would have had special poignancy.

by Anonymousreply 18201/12/2013

David Gest = Mary Fagdalene?

by Anonymousreply 18301/12/2013

The Our Father would be the Our Mama.

by Anonymousreply 18401/12/2013

The Resurrection would be known as The Comeback.

by Anonymousreply 18501/12/2013

It would have taken more than three days for her to rise after her good Friday night.

by Anonymousreply 18601/12/2013


by Anonymousreply 18701/12/2013


by Anonymousreply 18801/12/2013

Ascension Thursday would be the day she got up before 3 p.m.

by Anonymousreply 18901/12/2013

Her getting nailed would not have been a one-time occurrence.

by Anonymousreply 19001/12/2013

The Frank Sinatra recording of "New York, New York" would be banned for being heretical.

by Anonymousreply 19101/12/2013

Mary wouldn't be a virgin.

by Anonymousreply 19201/12/2013

The Three Wise Men would have brought vodka, coke, and Marlboros.

by Anonymousreply 19301/12/2013

Vestments for Mass on the Feast of St. Joey would be blue.

For the Nativity of Liza, vestments would be black and of an embarrassingly short length if the main celebrant is over 60.

by Anonymousreply 19401/13/2013

Instead of feeding the multitude with a modest number of loaves and fishes, she would miraculously provide the crowd with an endless supply of bugle beads and lip gloss.

by Anonymousreply 19501/14/2013

All the hymns would be called "hers!" and all of them would be written by Peter Allen.

by Anonymousreply 19601/14/2013

Sam Raimi and James Franco would be tarred, feathered and exiled to Utah.

by Anonymousreply 19703/09/2013

I think, R197, that Utah might be too glamorous. Perhaps we can agree on Kansas.

by Anonymousreply 19803/09/2013

That one just flew right by you, didn't it, R198?

by Anonymousreply 19903/09/2013
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