Since I came out, about 3 years ago, my mother has treated me like shit. It's like she's become psychotically cruel when it comes to me. I sometimes think she must think up things that she knows will be emotionally devastating to me, writes them on note cards and keeps them by the phone for when I call her. Tonight she told me that she has wished for years that it had been me that had died of cancer instead of my brother, she'd also wished that I would get cancer, one of the long dragged out ones with excruciating pain
Last week she said I'd caused my dad's fatal heart attack when i came out, even tho it was two years between my coming out and his death, but my dad didn't die befor he (supposedly) told her that he'd always hated me.
As bad as that is, it's pretty much the usual type of ugly hateful things she says to me every time I call her.
What the he'll is wrong with me that I still call her every week? If one of my friends told me that they were treated like this I'd tell them to cut that person from their life, but I can't seem to take my own advice. Part of me keeps (foolishly) hoping that things will someday go back to the way they were before I came out and we were great friends. Other part wonders why I even try after all this time with her being so evil to me. Before I call her I know it's going to hurt, and I know almost exactly how much it'll hurt, but I do it anyways, every damn week.
I guess that no matter what she says, or how much she hurts me, I still love her, but I don't know how I still love her after years of her talking like this to me.
I don't know, maybe if she hadn't been a really good mom, and later on friend, I could punch and delete. The person she is now is 100% opposite of who was before I came out.
It's really confusing because now I wonder which 'version' of her is the true one. Was she always this psychotically mean person that she covered over with a loving and good mother act? I also don't understand how she could flip from loving me one day to hating me and wishing me dead the next.
So, how do you cut someone out of your life that you still love?