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So, my friends are separating

A couple that I've been friends with for many years have announced they've separated. It is completely his decision, not hers. He refuses marriage counseling (says it would give her false hope) and has moved out. He has asked to stay with me for a few weeks until he can find a new place. She meanwhile is totally against the separation and wants to make the marriage work -- she is treating this like he just needs to work some stuff out and will come back. He is treating this like a permanent separation and has confided to me that he has absolutely no feelings for his wife anymore. Another person isn't part of the equation; he just feels checked out of the marriage. We have many mutual friends. She is telling everyone that it is completely his idea and that she is committed to making it work. How can I gently break it to her that ... he doesn't want to make it work? I know it's not directly my business, except he's crashing with me and she has called me many times to cry, ask how he is, etc. I am not sure what to do. Those of you familiar with separations -- is it ever possible to reconcile, or when a guy moves out, well, is it OVAH?

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 2112/08/2012

If you want to keep the friendship of both, don't get involved. Let him find another place to stay.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 112/08/2012

Sleep with him and make sure she finds out about it.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 212/08/2012

Sizemeat please!

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 312/08/2012

I guarantee he has someone else.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 412/08/2012

do you have a picture of his feets?

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 512/08/2012

My advice: do not get involved. DO NOT get involved.

To him, say: You're my buddy, so you can stay here. But please do not confide in me anymore because she's my friend, too. Let's watch football.

To her, you say: It's really not right for me to involve myself in your marriage. So don't ask me about it, and I told him not to talk to me about it.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 612/08/2012

YUCK you poor thing! You have to endure their hetero bleating and constant discharge about each other--stay away, stay away!!!

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 712/08/2012

It's not your place to say anything. And R4 is probably right

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 812/08/2012

Sounds miserable.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 912/08/2012

Stay out of it.

Is your friend Rudy Giuliani? He sounds cold and mean. Get him out of your house as soon as you can.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 1012/08/2012

Oh, honey. Men NEVER leave unless they got someone lined up already. Maybe he should tell her directly he doesn't want to work things out.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 1112/08/2012

He's probably told her R11, and she refuses to accept it.

My brother bailed like this on his first marriage. When the wife didn't get the message he went back to her with the intention of making her hate him. It worked and it didn't take long.

OP, were they married young?

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 1212/08/2012

"How can I gently break it to her that ... he doesn't want to make it work? "

As pointed out above, that's totally not your job. In fact, I can't express to you how much that is NOT your job. Love them both, but don't be a behind-the-scenes method of communication. Won't help them, and at least one of them will hate you in the end.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 1312/08/2012

Yikes. I feel bad for her. This situation sounds a little too familiar to me. If he is anything like the guy in my situation, then he is indeed cold and mean. He is also interested in another woman. If you really want to remain friends with both of them, then do your best to stay out of it.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 1412/08/2012

OP, listen to R6. Perfect advice. You're being a friend but stayingout of it. Expect that she will continue to pump you for info especially if she suspects he starts to date. That' why she's crying on your shoulder - she wants info and for you to guilt trip him.

He may or may not have someone else. Though he may have started to take an interest in someone or some others and it has made him realize that he has to get out.

People stay parked in dead relationships, especially marriages, until something stimulates their desire for freedom. But once they decide it's over and to leave it behind then it really is over and men truly leave it behind.

I have known one couple I really liked who separated and got back but he really didn't want to return. His family, her family and everyone pressured him "for the Kids" and for the financial advantages - though it was his family money not hers. I'm convinced he still wants out and will find a way eventually.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 1512/08/2012

Been there, done that, OP. Several times. Unless they have kids or some other thing tying them together, they're not getting back together. Period.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you tell the wife ANYTHING. Vice-versa with the husband. Both of them will continue to "test" you for the foreseeable future to see if you are trustworthy or if you're going to blab to one or the other something told to you in confidence. Disregarding this advice will almost certainly result in the forced severing of your friendships with BOTH parties.

Personally, I'd do two things: 1) Get the hubby out of your place, STAT. No good whatsoever can come from him staying any longer than necessary. Force him out if you have to. 2) "Manage" your relationship with the wife. You must certainly do NOT need to answer the phone every time she calls to cry and whine or whatever; just let it go to voicemail and don't call back until the next day at the earliest. She should be leaning on her girlfriends' shoulders right now, not yours!

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 1612/08/2012

Is the husband hot? Why hasn't this been established yet?

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 1712/08/2012

straight people problems

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 1812/08/2012

What r18 said. How dreary.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 1912/08/2012

Painful relationship breakups aren't "straight people problems" at all. We go through breakups ourselves and deal with our friends going through them - gay or straight it's exactly the same shit.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 2012/08/2012

[quote]How can I gently break it to her that ... he doesn't want to make it work?

You don't.

Stay out of it entirely. Their marriage is absolutely not your business, even if he's staying with you temporarily.

by Dr. Phil's bald patereply 2112/08/2012
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