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The worst erotic description ever written?

Can you write one that is worse?

[quote]His pointer finger circled my puckered love cave. ‘Are you ready for this?’ he mewled, smirking at me like a mother hamster about to eat her three-legged young."

EL James, [italic]50 Shades of Grey[/italic]

by Anonymousreply 4911/26/2012

Is that really from 50 Shades of Grey? That is horrendous!

by Anonymousreply 111/25/2012

LOL No way that's a direct quote. I had heard it was bad but there's just no way. It reads like a parody of trashy romance novels.

by Anonymousreply 211/25/2012

It is r2.

by Anonymousreply 311/25/2012

That can't be. Can it? oh I hope it is. I can sit at work and smirk at the lemmings cooing about how fabulous the book is.

by Anonymousreply 411/25/2012

I can. From my novel "The Castle in the Forest," describing the conception of Adolf Hitler:

[quote]Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One— that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before. The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. It surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety, yes, damn all piety, thought Alois—damned church-mouse wife, damned church!—he was back from the dead—some kind of miracle, he was all there, his pride equal to a sword. This was better than a storm at sea!

by Anonymousreply 511/25/2012

From Tom Wolfe's "I Am Charlotte Simmons":

[quote]Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns...

by Anonymousreply 611/25/2012

So as he's playing with her vagina, she's thinking of deformed rodent cannibal infanticide.

Maybe Bret Easton Ellis was the perfect screenwriter for the adaptation.

by Anonymousreply 711/25/2012

I think I am going to love this thread.

by Anonymousreply 811/25/2012

I WIN!! I described Michael Jackson as a passionate lover.

by Anonymousreply 911/25/2012

[quote]I could gaze at him all day, but I have needs – bathroom needs.

EL James, [italic]50 Shades of Grey[/italic]

by Anonymousreply 1011/25/2012

The OP's quote is made-up.

by Anonymousreply 1111/25/2012

Seriously!! Omg eeww

by Anonymousreply 1211/25/2012

He unsheathed his pulsing purple love hammer from their acid washed button fly enclosure, the throbbing member springing to life as if hearing the call to duty sounded from betwixt her silky thighs. He tossed his head, his curly mullet swinging back and forth, he was no longer just business on top and party in the back, but one attuned warrior of pleasure ready to tackle the mountain of her mons venus with aplomb and vigor.

by Anonymousreply 1311/25/2012

I cannot imagine "mewling" as sexy...

"1.(esp. of a baby) Cry feebly or querulously; whimper. 2.(of a cat or bird) Mew: "the mewling cry of a hawk".

I'm just saying

by Anonymousreply 1411/25/2012


by Anonymousreply 1511/25/2012

"Jim Long's odor had been a little like Naugahyde, and his mouth, lips, and tongue had often tasted metallic (or, just as often, steeped in vermouth), whereas Ed smelled vulnerably digestive, warm-blooded, moist, and, just now, breast-fed. He smelled great, and she began to think, the way he was going at it now, that this was how he wanted to come– in her from behind, on one hip and elbow, contorted to kiss and with a hand between her legs. She was fine with that, would have welcomed it and joined him with a considerable bang, but what happened instead was that he pulled out at the last moment and, after turning her on her back, began yet another eternity of regional body worship, this one built around working his lips, tongue, and teeth down her rib cage and belly with that servility of his that was the flip side of masochism. To get Ed to burrow headfirst into her quim, Diane had to put her hands in his hair and, acknowledging her pressing need, press."

by Anonymousreply 1611/25/2012

Norman Mailer wins. Having a soft penis described as "a coil of excrement" is just not an image I want to have in my mind while I'm reading about sex.

by Anonymousreply 1711/25/2012

Norman Mailer is just not an image I want to have in my mind while I'm reading about sex!

by Anonymousreply 1811/25/2012

This thread should won't end well.

by Anonymousreply 1911/25/2012

In order to be the worst erotic description ever written, doesn't a passage have to actually be erotic, OP? That certainly isn't.

by Anonymousreply 2011/25/2012

You can make the first sentence far worse with one minor alteration:

His pointer finger circled my puckered shit-pussy.

by Anonymousreply 2111/25/2012

These have me in stitches guys.

by Anonymousreply 2211/25/2012

His fingers avidly explored the furry, musky, spit-slicked shit chute with a mind of their own...

by Anonymousreply 2311/25/2012

OP's is hilarious. (Mewling?) The Hitler one is almost transgressive in its horror.

by Anonymousreply 2411/25/2012

Mama's mussy was as moist as a snack cake as her newly found blatino husbear hoisted up her muumuu and penetrated her with his uncut Latino sizemeat.

by Anonymousreply 2511/25/2012

OP, I guarantee that you can find far, far totally unappealing descriptions in that non-erotic book. I kept hoping that it would get better; sometimes I'm very optimistic.

by Anonymousreply 2611/25/2012


by Anonymousreply 2711/25/2012

[quote]"...I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia. But we’ll wait for that. Besides, it’s not something we can dive into,” he smirks at me. “Your ass will need training.” “Training?” I whisper. “Oh yes. It’ll need careful preparation."

Women are actually fantasizing about Matt Bomer saying this.

by Anonymousreply 2811/25/2012

What's with all the smirking and mewling?


by Anonymousreply 2911/25/2012

I hate when they mewl.

by Anonymousreply 3011/25/2012

'Mewl' is just an upsetting word in general. Why anyone would find it sexy is beyond me.

by Anonymousreply 3111/25/2012

"I was so tired after a long day and a long marriage. I thought, 'Sweet Jesus, it cannot end in this.' But it did.

He and Tagg pushed me back onto the bed and were wild-eyed -- more than I had seen before. Tagg was sitting naked on a chair with a hole in it and Mitt was below smoking something from a long glass pipe while Tagg was sniffing something from a bottle and grinding his hips down onto my husband's face. A chill ran through me as Tagg looked at me menacingly and silently mouthed, 'OH, YEA. It's family time.'"

by Anonymousreply 3211/25/2012

Puckered, mewling.. Someone was plundering the thesaurus. And not in a good way.

And....3 legged hamster?!

by Anonymousreply 3311/25/2012

You rang, subhumanoids?

by Anonymousreply 3411/25/2012

When I hear the word mewl, I think of a 3 day old kitten.

Not sexy.

by Anonymousreply 3511/25/2012

Crazy frau fantasy shit. I can't believe so many have been swept up in it, even a lot of self proclaimed sophisticated gay men.

by Anonymousreply 3611/25/2012

[quote]her newly found blatino husbear hoisted up her muumuu and penetrated her with his uncut Latino sizemeat.

You mean

...parted her blood-engorged and pulsing beef curtains with his steamy and fragrant uncut Blatino fuckpole. His rough hands pulled on her pendulous duggs as....

by Anonymousreply 3711/25/2012

You need several subordinate clauses about the origin of silk, the currents of major American rivers, and the inner lives of the backyard raccoon family, R37.

by Anonymousreply 3811/25/2012

It's like MadLibs!

by Anonymousreply 3911/25/2012

Eww disgusting. And they want this shit novel movie to be played by Matt Bomer. eww no!

by Anonymousreply 4011/25/2012

So is this another Lindsay Lohan film?

by Anonymousreply 4111/26/2012

Go here for all your hilarious '50 shades quotes' needs.

by Anonymousreply 4211/26/2012

R37, you must be new here, or confused. Even though I am often referred to as "she," I can assure you that I'm all man and do NOT own a pair of beef curtains or pendulous duggs.

But I do have a fine collection of muumuus.

by Anonymousreply 4311/26/2012

The names "Anastasia" and "Christian" sound a little too, I don't know, precious I think is the word? Reminds me of when I participated in Young Authors in elementary school and I always went out of my way to give my characters names like "Esmeralda" and "Ansel" 'cause I thought it sounded cooler.

by Anonymousreply 4411/26/2012

If you really want to laugh your ass off go to Amazon and read the negative reviews. They are hysterical. I borrowed the book from a friend to see what all the fuss was about. I got about halfway through when I just couldn't go on anymore.

The bitch writing it thinks to go from Washington to Vancouver you have to drive through Oregon. Seriously.

by Anonymousreply 4511/26/2012

R44, their names are the least annoying thing about that shitfest.

by Anonymousreply 4611/26/2012

Maybe we should all try re-writing this dreck as our favorite author a la Mr James at r37 and the correct version at r38.

[quote]her newly found blatino husbear hoisted up her muumuu and penetrated her with his uncut Latino sizemeat.

by Anonymousreply 4711/26/2012

Here's a partial review from Amazon. I'm including the word count section:

*UPDATE*: Thanks to the many other perturbed readers who have shared their own choices of the most annoyingly overused phrases in this masterpiece. Following up on their suggestions with my ever-useful Kindle search function, I have discovered that Ana says "Jeez" 81 times and "oh my" 72 times. She "blushes" or "flushes" 125 times, including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red." (I can't even imagine.) Ana "peeks up" at Christian 13 times, and there are 9 references to Christian's "hooded eyes," 7 to his "long index finger," and 25 to how "hot" he is (including four recurrences of the epic declarative sentence "He's so freaking hot."). Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line" 10 times. Characters "murmur" 199 times, "mutter" 49 times, and "whisper" 195 times (doesn't anyone just talk?), "clamber" on/in/out of things 21 times, and "smirk" 34 times. Christian and Ana also "gasp" 46 times and experience 18 "breath hitches," suggesting a need for prompt intervention by paramedics. Finally, in a remarkable bit of symmetry, our hero and heroine exchange 124 "grins" and 124 "frowns"... which, by the way, seems an awful lot of frowning for a woman who experiences "intense," "body-shattering," "delicious," "violent," "all-consuming," "turbulent," "agonizing" and "exhausting" orgasms on just about every page.

by Anonymousreply 4811/26/2012

This thread is useless without vomit bags.

by Anonymousreply 4911/26/2012
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