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An Open Letter To Red States

Dear Red States:

Once you secede, we in the Blue States will thereafter be known as The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, New Mexico, Florida, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Iowa, Illinois and the entire Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the ESA. To sum up briefly:

•You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states except Florida. •We get stem cell research and the best beaches. •We get Elizabeth Warren. •You get Todd Akin. •We get the Statue of Liberty. •You get OpryLand. •We get Intel and Microsoft. •You get WorldCom. •We get Harvard. •You get Ole' Miss. •We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. •You get Alabama. •We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. •You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States, we will have firm control of •80% of the country's fresh water, •more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, •92% of the nation's fresh fruit, •95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) •90% of all cheese, •90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulphur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools •plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

We get Hollywood, and Yosemite, thank you.

With the Red States •you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, and you get •92% of all US mosquitoes, •nearly 100% of the tornadoes, •90% of the hurricanes, •99% of all Southern Baptists, •virtually 100% of all televangelists, •Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy b#@%#@#s believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 4411/19/2012

I love how the Electoral College has basically driven some people insane.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 111/18/2012

R2? WTF are you trying to say?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 411/18/2012

Well...fan my brow!!!

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 511/18/2012

Hilarious. I am now reading that most of these petitions have a lot of the same signatures on petitions for different states. So they may be getting a lot of signatures but the number of people signing them is significantly lower. What a bunch of morons; they really think no one will notice?? Some of them also think a lot of signatures means they can just withdraw from the union; nothing else needs to be done. If only. I would pay them to leave.

Washington Post says 72% of the ballots cast were by white voters; so much for O'Reilly's 'white minority'. Since Obama got 39% of the white vote that means he got over half the white vote. I don't hear Romney making that interesting announcement.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 611/18/2012

Good point, R6.

One more thing: Does anyone know the stats (or where I can find the stats) on the number of white voters in 2008 versus 2012?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 711/18/2012

Trust me , they may not have signed any petitions but rednecks in the red states would love to secede ---not learning from the basic history of why the south lost the civil war.

In Shreveport , LA last week, and some 35 year old redneck loved to brag at the lunch meeting how he is ready to secede...

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 811/18/2012

[quote]So you would have the Red States and the Welfare Republic of America?

Somebody doesn't know the ratio of tax dollars contributed vs. federal dollars received by these states. Red states take far more, actually quite disproportionately, than they contribute.

Here's a link with an explanation and a table. Take a look at all that red under "Most tax dependent states." Wouldn't surprise me in the least if you live in one of them.

It wouldn't surprise me in the least, either, if you've received links containing the same information, but just refused to click and read. Would it help that this link is to U.S. News & World Report, the business travelers paper? You know, it appears at my Marriot hotel room door the few times of the year I travel for work. I actually read it. I hope you read this.

Don't these freeper fucks ever come back and actually discuss and debate?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 911/18/2012

Texas is expected to turn blue by 2020.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 1011/18/2012

OP doesn't (and shouldn't) take credit for being the author of this open letter. In fact, it was passed around all over Facebook during the last weeks before the election. It was also emailed to me from several different sources.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 1111/18/2012

R6, your math is off re the white vote. Either you typed something incorrectly or Obama got 39% of 72% of the total vote -- that equals Obama's percentage (28%) of the total vote representing white voters. Romney still beat Obama among white voters. Obama swamped Romney in the remaining 28% of the total vote.

BTW, very interesting about common signatures on multiple petitions.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 1211/18/2012

[quote] Would it help that this link is to U.S. News & World Report, the business travelers paper? You know, it appears at my Marriot hotel room door the few times of the year I travel for work.

Do you mean USA Today, dear?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 1411/18/2012

Indeed I did. I was so excited to impart the information that I made that mistake.

Does it change the content?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 1511/18/2012

[quote]Since Obama got 39% of the white vote that means he got over half the white vote.

Huh?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 1611/18/2012

OP, I must quibble with some of these:

**Florida? Seriously?!? Florida of "hanging chad" fame? Florida of Jeb Bush and Mario Rubio, both potential freeper presidential candidates in 2016? Florida of "too-numerous-to-count entries for The Darwin Awards"? Florida with millions of retirees adding trillions in Medicare expenses? Um, no. Just ... no.

**Blue state or not, Michigan is, for all intents and purposes, dead. Most American auto production now takes place well outside of it. Detroit has lost 60% of its population over the past 50 years. The red states can have it.

**Texas should be added to the list. (I know, I know...) It's one of the biggest producers to America's GDP, and as R10 noted, it'll be blue by 2020. (Four of its five biggest cities are already blue, and its biggest has a lesbian Democratic mayor.)

**I'd keep Virginia, too. The D.C. 'burbs are bright blue and getting bluer still. It's one of the tech capitals of the country. We need ready access to D.C., too (which btw I'd also keep, given that it's bluer than ANY state).

P.S. No one gets Todd Akin, since he thankfully lost the election. Ditto Mourdock.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 1711/18/2012

Florida is more red than blue. Solution? Cut off the panhandle and let Alabama and Mississippi fight over it.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 1811/18/2012

Where does NV go? Will the red states spend all of their revenue to build a border fence?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 2011/18/2012

FL voted for BO.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 2111/18/2012

Bullshit, R19. You have to divide the country up geographically and while almost all states are purple, the ones that always vote Republican do form distinct geographical areas. They give all their electoral votes to the candidate with the majority.

What's far worse, they get two Senators each even if their total population is less than a single mid-size city.

I differ from OP, however. I'd let only the South and the Great Plains leave. We should keep the mountain states. They have our best national parks.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 2211/18/2012

Barely.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 2311/18/2012

[quote]The real result will be a Red Country full of highly educated, wealthy, white males

Yeah, because that describes Southern white voters exactly.

*rolls eyes*

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 2411/18/2012

Is a leftist in the northeast allowed to sign every secession petition from the red states?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 2511/18/2012

r17, I thought your post was rather interesting and was wondering if the solution for Virginia wouldn't be too far removed from the last solution between Virginia and what became West Virginia in 1863 and that is to partition off northern Virginia as North Virginia and West Virginia can once again, after a 150 year hiatus, rejoin Virginia. I am willing to let them keep Richmond as the erstwhile capitol of the old Confederacy realizing that maybe they'd want it again as the capitol plus much of the hillbilly red vote (a "blue" Black vote aside for the moment) is in southern and western Virginia. As far as Florida is concerned, Mississippis and Alabama fighting over the panhandle is fine with me, but South Florida, which is paradoxically more culturally northern (and Jewish) would be cut off from the North geographically. What if we permitted the idea of a "Conch Republic" (based around Key West), an idea floating around the internet for years, to come to fruition?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 2611/18/2012

[quote]The real result will be a Red Country full of highly educated, wealthy, white males;

Actually, no. If the red states break away, they will lose all federal funding for their educational institutions. All of it for all of them. And since red states take more from the feds than they contribute, there's going to be a whole lot of shortfalls for schools. And when there are other things that need state funding...

And since we know how good red states are at valuing and funding education all on their own...

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 2711/18/2012

ps, r10, I don't doubt that Texas may become more blue, but don't underestimate the bubba factor there in changing blue to red, plus it is culturally, for the most part one might say, a southern state, aside from the Mexican West Texas. Molly Ivins and Jim Hightower (nice ass BTW) were/are both from Texas so maybe Texas could find greater content as an independent republic again as it was in the 1830s than as the mere adjunct it was during the old Confederacy. And r17, I'm afraid the blue states are stuck with Michigan (you have to take the bitter with the better sometimes)--home of Michael Moore--more for the sake of geographical contiguousness. And the same goes for Indiana, although I'm not sure what could be done to effect some kind of political "re-education" there, any suggestions?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 2811/18/2012

Texas is culturally schizophrenic, R28. Yes, West Texas and San Antonio have large Mexican-American populations, but Houston and Austin are extremely culturally diverse - they defy the Texan stereotype. The old Texas - Abilene and other mid-sized Texan towns are good examples - are slowly becoming less relevant and emblematic.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 2911/18/2012

Also r10, I am curious to know what statistic you have in mind to back up your comment about Texas becoming "bluer".

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 3011/18/2012

I'm not R10, but there was a 10-page article about Texas turning blue in "The New Yorker" just last week, R30. I believe there was also another article about Texas turning blue in "The Guardian" a month or two ago.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 3111/18/2012

[quote]So you would have the Red States and the Welfare Republic of America?

Red states ARE the welfare states, dumbass. Have you ever actually looked up which states get more fed. aid than they pay in taxes?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 3211/18/2012

You forgot Nevada, OP. Once traditionally red, it is becoming more and more blue as Las Vegas continues to grow.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 3311/18/2012

[quote]The real result will be a Red Country full of highly educated, wealthy, white males

The stupid...it burns.

Sweetheart, most highly-educated, wealthy white males live in blue states for a reason. Can you guess the reason?

Here's a clue: If they're highly-educated and wealthy, then "Branson" wouldn't be their idea of entertainment.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 3411/18/2012

This has bubbled up in my Facebook feeds - apparently they list the number of signatures from each state. Rhode Island had 4,550 people sign.

I don't dare click the names - I probably know quite a number of them. And I bet they're all clustered in the burbs in RI, with the main focus on East Greenwich and part of North Kingstown. After all, those are the only areas in the state that went whole hog for Romney/Ryan.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 3511/18/2012

The pathetic thing is they have nothing to complain about. Obama is a middle-of-the-road President who has proposed nothing radical. He has not started any wars. How exactly have they been pushed to the point of treason?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 3611/18/2012

He did it all while being black, R36.

And they can attempt to roll their eyes and pretend that isn't the reason, yet they couldn't name a single policy that has drastically changed their lives for the worse.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 3711/18/2012

OK, taking this a few steps further, where will this "particularism" end? What I have in mind is Canada also becoming embroiled in a kind of secession movement that could join our own. Quebec is the best known example of the province that wants to form its own nation and British Columbia would form a new nation with Washington and Oregon and maybe part of northern California and Alaska may or may not (in which case it would be a nation on its own) be a part of "Cascadia". Mexico, if the southwest becomes overwhelmingly Hispanic/Mexican might seriously press for the reunification of at least some areas of what is now the American southwest (including southern California), Puerto Rico and Hawaii are cut loose whether they like it or not. The Mayan Yucatan joins with Guatemala to form a new Mayan nation as Mexico itself shifts farther north. The more populated areas of Canada join with the "Enlightened States of America" except that maybe New England and the Maritime Provinces all the way to Newfoundland (Labrador can go with Quebec) form their own nation as well. Northern Canada becomes a new Native American/Innuit nation that includes a Greenland newly independent of Denmark. Inspired by the recent North American upheaval, Peru, Bolivia and maybe Ecuador become a new "Inca Republic" and Venezuela under Chavez seeks to merge with Colombia. How is that for a "Fall of Rome" kind of scenario for the USA?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 3811/18/2012

Colorado and their potheads want to be in the E.S.A

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 3911/18/2012

Bertram Wyatt-Brown dies at 80; historian examined Southern honor

In his most acclaimed book, a reviewer said, Wyatt-Brown studied antebellum Southerners' behavior 'from extending hospitality to strangers to participating in lynch mobs.'

November 19, 2012

Bertram Wyatt-Brown, an American history professor who wrote widely on Southern history and culture and whose book on honor in the antebellum South was a 1983 Pulitzer Prize finalist, died Nov. 5 of pulmonary fibrosis in Baltimore. He was 80.

Wyatt-Brown studied at Johns Hopkins University under C. Vann Woodward, considered one of the most important scholars of the American South and race relations.

After earning his doctorate from Johns Hopkins in 1963, Wyatt-Brown began a teaching career, with positions at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland from 1966 to 1983 and the University of Florida from 1983 to 2004. He then returned to Johns Hopkins as a visiting fellow.

His study of the role of honor in all classes of society in the antebellum South resulted in his critically acclaimed book "Southern Honor: Ethics and Behavior in the Old South," published in 1982 by Oxford University Press. It was a history finalist the next year for both the Pulitzer Prize and the American Book Award.

Historian David Herbert Donald, reviewing the book in the New York Times, noted that Wyatt-Brown "has studied Southerners much as an anthropologist would an aboriginal tribe."

"He has looked for patterns in such intimate relationships as marriage and child rearing and in public behavior from extending hospitality to strangers to participating in lynch mobs," he wrote.

Book critic Jonathan Yardley wrote in the Washington Post in 1982, "Nowhere is there a more devastating debunking of the myth of Ol' Dixie as peaceable kingdom than the one presented here by Wyatt-Brown, and it is all the more devastating because his overriding intention is to be fair."

Peter Carmichael, a professor of Civil War history at Gettysburg College and director of the Civil War Institute in Gettysburg, Pa., said this month, "Every historian hopes that his books will stand the test of time; few do. But Bert's will, and he made contributions that are still part of the discussion and will continue to be so.... He understood the Old South in all of its beauty and ugliness."

Bertram Wyatt-Brown was born March 19, 1932, in Harrisburg, Pa., the son of Hunter Wyatt-Brown, an Episcopal bishop, and his homemaker wife, Laura, who were both from Alabama.

Wyatt-Brown earned a bachelor's degree in English in 1953 from the University of the South, in Sewanee, Tenn. He served in the Navy from 1953 to 1955, where he attained the rank of lieutenant. He then earned a second bachelor's degree in history in 1957 from King's College in Cambridge, England, before enrolling at Johns Hopkins.

His fascination with the origins of Southern character in the days before the Civil War resulted in his books dealing with the subject, such as "Yankee Saints and Southern Sinners," "Honor and Violence in the Old South" and "The American People in the Antebellum South."

Wyatt-Brown is survived by his wife of 50 years, Anne, along with a daughter, Natalie Ingraham Wyatt-Brown of St. Paul, Minn.; and two grandchildren. Another daughter, Laura Matthews Wyatt-Brown, died in 1971.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 4011/18/2012

No matter how you slice or dice it, you'd end up with...not quite what you expect, I'm afraid.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 4111/18/2012

If only wealthy white males voted in this past election, the only Blue States would have been Maine and Oregon, or something like that. But it would have been no more than 2-3 states.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 4211/18/2012

Where would ESA get its petroleum?

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 4311/19/2012

Where the rest get their petroleum: Canada (our #1 source), Venezuela and the Middle East.

by Citizen of the Enlightened States of Americareply 4411/19/2012
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