God, there’s a lot of standing around in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2.” I mean, in these movies there’s always a lot of standing and waiting and sitting and hoping — for Edward the vampire (Robert Pattinson) to kiss human Bella (Kristen Stewart), for him to make transformative love to her, for them to share the “perfect piece of forever” that Stephenie Meyer described in her quartet of books with the tummy-rubbing glee of someone about to spend eternity eating a pie.
This fifth and mercifully final installment features so much idle anticipation that it’s unclear whether we’re watching a movie or an Apple product launch. The waiting concerns the decision of the Volturi (Vatican-style vampires) to destroy the computer-generated daughter Edward and Bella have spawned — the spit-take-inducingly named Renesmee.
There’s legitimate concern that, as even half a vampire, the child will cease aging and remain a toddler until the end of time, throwing extra-strength, civilization-ending tantrums. The dreaded historical era would be Renesmee: the Most Terrible Two.
In any case, the entire movie, which is based on the back half of Meyer’s final book, builds up to the showdown starring almost every vampire in the series. The Volturi are lead by Michael Sheen, who fared better in the second movie as a kind of white Queen in French Revolution gold. This time he and his dozens of minions — one of whom, thanklessly, is Dakota Fanning — wear black dusters with marching-band-uniform accents. If the Volturi weren’t able, in the climactic brawl, to heave Edward, Bella, and their small gang of allies across a clearing in Washington state, I imagine they could simply glide-step them to death.