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Let's Pretend That We're Something that Creates Tension or Causes a Fight During Thanksgiving Dinner - 2012 Edition

Another year. Same old tension.

I'm my brother's wife who is now gluten-free and won't shut up about it. My Mother will want to stab her before the end of the evening.

by Anonymousreply 18111/23/2012

I do not have to pretend.

by Anonymousreply 111/12/2012

I'm my racist family who are pissed that the "n***** won".

by Anonymousreply 211/12/2012

I'm the dry turkey. Nobody wants to mention me and as such I hang over the proceedings like an all-consuming metaphor.

by Anonymousreply 311/12/2012

I think it's wasteful to flush unless it's a particularly gruesome number 2 and since it's my house, my rules. Trust, this always comes up.

by Anonymousreply 411/12/2012

I am the know- it-all lipstick lesbian wife of my sister who can't stopping tell everyone what she assumes we are all too suburban and too stupid to know on our own. And she talks about Seattle as if only God could live there. And always wants to know who has pot. My cousin , my sister and my boyfriend got high outside three Thanksgivings ago. Let it go bitch!

by Anonymousreply 511/12/2012

I'm my tea party, ultra conservative mother who has a "Don't Tread on Me" flag waving in front of her house. I'm so mad that the black man won that I'm going to post racist shit all over my facebook page and say I'm "Praying for America." I will cook a turkey but I don't give a damn if any of my ungrateful, liberal, gay kids (I have 2) show up or not. Fuck them. They just want free stuff anyway even though I'm getting medicare, social security and a nice government pension from my Post Office job. But my gay kids think they are "entitled" to marriage.

I'm my alcoholic step father who survived a massive heart attack this year but who continues to drink and be an asshole. I'll fry a turkey for you ungrateful bitches but don't you dare talk about that n word in my house.

by Anonymousreply 611/12/2012

As soon as I could, after high school, I divorced my family. No more going to crazy gatherings. Judd Apatow could write a few comic scripts just recording family get togethers. Of course no one at all sane would ever believe him.

I'm my nuts family where everyone in all generations spends gatherings trying to convince the others of the following:

1) How each is superior to the rest 2) How each can direct the others' to be more like them, and to mimic that superior life (see #1) 3) How each blames everyone else for not being as "fortunate" as them. (see #1) 4) How each brags nonstop of his/her "successes" Literally one sister forever boasted that at age 21, she was the very youngest in the family to get married. (Her husband's a total jerk.) 5) How each complains nonstop about every little trivial thing 6) Non-stop yelling&arguments are the norm. 7) Totally idiotic behavior is also the norm.

by Anonymousreply 711/12/2012

I'm the Facebook private message I sent to my aunt (rather than the phone call my mother thinks I should have made) regarding my terminally-ill, far-right, fundamentalist uncle.

by Anonymousreply 811/12/2012

I'm my sister-in-law who has asked my brother for a divorce but is still going ahead with Thanksgiving while they try to work it out. Everyone there except their children knows, but no one will even be able to discuss it since the children might hear.

by Anonymousreply 911/12/2012

I'm the brother-in-law who is superficially gay friendly because I'm married to your sister and I don't want any trouble. Secretly, I'm afraid you're ogling me and will try to seduce me if you get the chance.

by Anonymousreply 1011/12/2012

I am the twitch in my mother's eye when she sees the table set without a tablecloth at my sister in law's house.

by Anonymousreply 1111/12/2012

I'm the Republican sister who liked Paul Ryan on her Facebook page despite having had numerous abortions. I've never had to support myself myself but think of the people who voted for Obama as moochers. My husband and I also changed the will of the elderly relative who was living with us so we got everything even though that was against her wishes.

by Anonymousreply 1211/12/2012

I'm the sibling who didn't come, occasioning envy and resentment from all the other siblings and sadness from my mom ("I just wanted *everyone* and their children and spouses all gathered around me, just for once!").

by Anonymousreply 1311/12/2012

I'm the 20 year old baby of the family who still lives at home - unemployed, with no high school degree - but I will feel compelled throughout lunch to tell everyone how "America should be" (outing myself as a bitter Romney supporter still smarting from Election Day results) I volunteered at my local polling place last Tuesday but can't seem to learn how to run a fucking washing machine. I will take the biggest piece of turkey and wonder why the world doesn't recognize my superiority...

by Anonymousreply 1411/12/2012

I'm aunt Tilly's gawd-awful news earrings and caftans all the gaybees in the family hate

by Anonymousreply 1511/12/2012

I'm Fox News on in the background. Switch me to MSNBC and they'll be serving YOU for dinner.

by Anonymousreply 1611/12/2012

I'm the oldest of the siblings and yet I still have to sit at the kids table because I'm single and childless.

by Anonymousreply 1711/12/2012

I'm the endless picture taking 4 or 5 Evangelicals who can't have too many pictures of people I rarely see and have nothing in common with. Snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap... It's all so special. In God's name we pray.

by Anonymousreply 1811/12/2012

I'm your great aunt who always brings the same dish - ambrosia salad. It has raisins in it. Try some.

by Anonymousreply 1911/12/2012

I'm the youngest who moved back home at 43 after losing my job as a short order cook at a taco shop. I was on the six year plan at college and have a degree in finance. I'll tell everyone what to do with their money because I don't have any

by Anonymousreply 2011/12/2012

I'm the family patriarch who still refers to his extended family'sJewish in-laws as "you people".

by Anonymousreply 2111/12/2012

I am the house that is too small to fit all of the family members in it overnight who want or need to stay. Those left out will try to hide their resentment at the ones who get to stay in the house either because they don't want to pay for a hotel or just need something else to hate the family for.

by Anonymousreply 2211/12/2012

I'm the Datalounger who overshares family details over the internet.

by Anonymousreply 2311/12/2012

I'm Homeland.

by Anonymousreply 2411/12/2012

I always love these threads. Isn't family such fun?

by Anonymousreply 2511/12/2012

Dear God, R22. I would MUCH rather have an excuse to stay at a hotel than have to stay at my in-law's cramped, gloomy house one minute longer than is absolutely necessary.

by Anonymousreply 2611/12/2012

I'm the mashed potatoes the one year old smeared all over your mother's china cabinet glass door. This kid's dip shit mother not only placed the high chair too close to the cabinet, but saw the mess and still left it for the 65 year old to deal with.

by Anonymousreply 2711/12/2012

Heh OP, slip your sis in law some gluten, bet you anything she isn't gluten intolerant. Lots of BS on that subject.

by Anonymousreply 2811/12/2012

I'm Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.

When the turkeys mount an uprising, everyone is fucked.

by Anonymousreply 2911/12/2012

My brother arrested for trafficking and I payed his Mom won't speak to us.

by Anonymousreply 3011/12/2012

I'm the loser spending another Thanksgiving alone, who wished he had family to spend an hour or two with, no matter how annoying.

At least with family, you can just walk away when things get to be too much. Being alone just sucks all around.

by Anonymousreply 3111/12/2012

I'm the lower class in-law who is also a Romney supporter. I'm determined to insert thinly veiled political references into the table talk.

by Anonymousreply 3211/12/2012

We already have r29.

We're just waiting for the right moment.

by Anonymousreply 3311/12/2012

Are you in Houston by any chance R31? I'd invite you over if you were. My family is lots of fun so I never really get to make any comments here but I love this thread.

Copious amounts of wine flow and lots of interesting conversation.

by Anonymousreply 3411/12/2012

I'm the Prince of the family! I'm 43, divorced, and my 10 year old is with my ex-wife for the day. I love to get in the way of anyone in the kitchen during that last crucial hour of cooking-hell by blocking the refrigerator to get another beer (my sixth by 11:30AM). Get out of my way, I'm the Prince!

by Anonymousreply 3511/12/2012

I'm the undiagnosed bipolar Father who deep down knows his son is gay and is angry and resentful that I doesn't have a relationship with him because whenever he comes around, I turn everything into a power battle showing who's alpha dog instead of having a conversation like a sane adult because my marriage is screwed up and I have a shit job so I have to take it out on someone.

I'm the shrew, harpy mother who knows how to drive her son nuts with my constant nitpicking, complaining, and negativity. My son actually told me that he's gay, but I'm going to deny and pretend that it isn't true in order to feel better about myself and see if I can hook him up with the "right woman" to "cure" him of this.

I'm the sanctimonious, holier-than-thou aunt who thinks her religion is the only true one and will remind people of this on a frequent basis. I will also tell people what to do with their lives and interject on subjects that I don't know of and give unsolicited advice no one asked for in the first place.

I'm the know-it-all uncle who once said that he wanted to move all gays to an island so they can all die of AIDS after awhile but also mention my love of young teenage women and how the age-of-consent laws should be revised so men can marry 13-year-old girls if they want to. I tend to say inappropriate comments to my nieces to pass the time.

by Anonymousreply 3611/12/2012

I'm the annual sense of bewilderment and disbelief that you are actually blood-related to these people.

by Anonymousreply 3711/12/2012

I'm the "trip to the store" you and your brother take just before dinner, which is really an excuse to drive around smoking weed so you can both deal with your asshole relatives for the rest of the day.

by Anonymousreply 3811/12/2012

I'm the Perennial Holiday Question, asked by mother every Thanksgiving and Christmas for the last several years:

Are you sure you don't want to come?

I'm always politely declined by the bisexual son the family really doesn't like, but wants around as a passive-aggressive punching bag for their right wing, low rent talking points.

by Anonymousreply 3911/12/2012

I'm the widow of the cousin who died five years ago, who still will blurt out "I wish Chet was here to see this!," burst into tears, and run out of the room at least once at family holidays.

Convoys of sympathetic female relatives are always dispatched to the spare bedroom to "deal with Katie."

The men roll their eyes and watch football.

by Anonymousreply 4011/12/2012

I estranged myself from my family years ago, they don't even know where I am. I haven't been invited anywhere for dinner in memory. I am not unhappy I just don't like people so much.I cook for my best friend, ME

by Anonymousreply 4111/12/2012

I'm my sister's father in law, who because he is still stuck in the 1950s but wants to make a good impression on his daughter in laws more progressive family, will say things like, "that Michele Obama is good looking, for a colored gal."

by Anonymousreply 4211/12/2012

I'm Henry, your brother's teenage son, who is smart enough to know you keep the Vicodin in your bedside table instead of your medicine cabinet.

by Anonymousreply 4311/12/2012

WE are the couple who are texting each other

by Anonymousreply 4411/12/2012

I'm my sister's father in law who stands near her in the kitchen the entire time she's cooking to make sure she's not adding anything to the food he doesn't like.

by Anonymousreply 4511/12/2012

I am the host to my Mother, brother and his insane Phillipina girlfriend. I will use my good china, silver and crystal for the meal. Twice I will tell my brother to not have her clean up dishes. Instead, he'll forget to tell her, she'll end up in the kitchen before I can tackle her, and begin "washing up." In the past "washing up" has consisted of putting things that need to be handwashed in the dishwasher, things that in the dishwasher handwashed. She follows up with wiping down surfaces with a greasy handcloth from the fetid sink water.

This year I have a taser and will use it if need be.

More to come, because they have moved in with me "temporarily."

by Anonymousreply 4611/12/2012

I am the good Pinot Noir purchased after guests complained that cheap wine served last year sent them home with splitting headaches.

by Anonymousreply 4711/12/2012

I'm single, childless and familyless and will enjoy reading the increasingly deranged, bitter and hateful comments exploding on DL over Thanksgiving. Let the booze flow! Let the control freak queen lose it because nothing was "just so" as they wanted it. Let the delusional queens think their brother in laws have the hots for them as they awkwardly try to make conversation (their wives told them to). I hope some drunk lesbians send in details of their dysfunctional relationships. Bottoms, up, possums!

by Anonymousreply 4811/12/2012

I am Dad's recently revealed illegitimate daughter, who joins the family for Thanksgiving dinner this year. Not awkward at all.

by Anonymousreply 4911/12/2012

I'm the look on our faces as my partner and I arrived late ONCE in twenty years and discovered that people couldn't wait to eat until we arrived. This after years of us arriving on time and waiting until others showed up to eat.

that's the last time we did the family Thanksgiving. We'll give you Christmas but Thanksgiving is for friends.

by Anonymousreply 5011/12/2012

I'm the Tofurky®.

by Anonymousreply 5111/12/2012

I am the brother-in-law and girlfriend who will actually shoot up in the bathroom before the meal is served.

by Anonymousreply 5211/12/2012

I'm a sliver of carrot hanging off one of Diana's chins. You will all be amazed that Diana ate a carrot.

by Anonymousreply 5311/12/2012

I'm the Galloping Gourmet. I'm typing up an elaborate, five course, Native-inspired Thanksgiving menu while my Marie Callender's dinner finishes in the microwave.

When my TV dinner turns out dry, I'll yell at my cats.

by Anonymousreply 5411/12/2012

LOL @ Rll's. W&W.

by Anonymousreply 5511/12/2012

I'm your loudmouth, asshole Republican brother-in-law that you fantasize about secretly poisoning every year, so he will finally shut the fuck up.

by Anonymousreply 5611/12/2012

I am your senile great-uncle who thinks the year is 1962 and throughout dinner talks about relatives who have been dead for 30 years in the present tense, as if they are still alive.

by Anonymousreply 5711/12/2012

I'm one of the 9it seems) few DLers who actually enjoys his relatives and their company on holidays. We eat, laugh, eat, talk, and eat.

by Anonymousreply 5811/13/2012

I'm Jill Kelley, giving David a handjob at the dinner table while Paula broods and Holly loads up her fifth plate of the evening.

by Anonymousreply 5911/13/2012

My right-wing homophobic cousin who spouts his ultra-conservative views all the way through dinner then can't wait to get my dick in his mouth.

by Anonymousreply 6011/13/2012

Some years ago my dear and loving grandmother, a simple farm wife that was married with a child, my mother at the age of 15 responded to a news story others were commenting on about hippies putting LSD in jars of mayonnaise in the grocery store. Grandma piped up that it was the communists doing it. I burst out laughing and mocked her as a pall fell over the table. My dear loving grandmother who I adored was stricken. Nothing more was said. Granny is long gone and every year at least and whenever I think of her I cry a little with regret for what I said. She was the one person that was always my friend and respected me for my best qualities and never once criticized me. She was always my friend when I needed a friend. I don't know how something so innocent and unintended could be one of the great regrets of my life.

by Anonymousreply 6111/13/2012

I'm the estranged gay oldest son who lied to his mom that he was going out of town but instead will hang out at his friend's coffee shop all day with his friends.

That hasn't happened yet but I know my mom will be calling me soon.

by Anonymousreply 6211/13/2012

I'm the sister who is weary of inviting the black sheep sibling every year who makes excuses not to come. Our parents are getting older and it would be nice if he, just this once, made the effort for their sake.

He doesn't mind asking them to drive 300 miles at the drop of a hat to babysit his kid though, or when he needs money. They always do whatever he asks in a desperate attempt to keep a connection with him, even if it's only to be used.

by Anonymousreply 6311/13/2012

{{{hugs for r61}}}

by Anonymousreply 6411/13/2012

I'm the retarded brother who screams "I hope a monster eats your pussy!" when my sister tries to hold my hand during the before meal prayer.

by Anonymousreply 6511/13/2012

I'm Cheryl. Yet another year seated at the kiddie table out on the back porch.

by Anonymousreply 6611/13/2012

Oh, r61, I'm so sorry. That made me LOL, tho.

I'm sure granny knows it wasn't anything personal.

And I had totally forgotten about the "I hope a monster eats your pussy" comment. Fuck, I think I would have collapsed in hysterics had I witnessed that event.

by Anonymousreply 6711/13/2012

I am the drunken, asshole brother who has nowhere else to go because no one else will put up with his drunken, racist, homophobic, bigoted and misogynistic rants. We all have to be careful of what we say and how we say it because "We don't want to upset Jeff. You KNOW how he gets after a few drinks!"

by Anonymousreply 6811/13/2012

I am the salivating family pet - watching y'all get your grub on & wondering why I have to eat dry fucking dog food.

by Anonymousreply 6911/13/2012

Thanks for all the wonderful guest ideas.

by Anonymousreply 7011/13/2012

I am Janice, the weepy Thanksgiving Lesbian Vegan. I thought I would be a DL icon, but I am not.

by Anonymousreply 7111/13/2012

I'm the Alzheimer-afflicted Granny who likes hikin' up her skirts and peein' in the soup when nobody's lookin'.

by Anonymousreply 7211/13/2012

I'm the Arbor Mist which the hostess offers up as the only alcoholic beverage, because she really likes it, and has never drank actual wine.

by Anonymousreply 7311/13/2012

I loved the lesbian vegan Thanksgiving visitor, r72. One of my favorite threads ever..

by Anonymousreply 7411/13/2012

I am I - the only person in the family who happens to be gay and out - gladly accepting and celebrating and never commenting on or avoiding the idiosyncratic weirdness of the relatives' "traditions," such as

Purposely burned rolls ("It's so funny. It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without them!")

Canned cranberry sauce with the seam showing

Canned sweet potatoes mashed and drenched with Karo syrup and mallowed with a burned sheet of tiny marshmallows that require a sharp knife to cut through

Salty injected turkey that somehow is half dried out and half barely cooked

Canned corn

Box dressing that either is dry or swimming in water

Instant mashed potatoes with margarine

Frozen pie.

I was not allowed to bring anything because I "always try to show everyone up and make them feel bad" and "hate everything we do" and "put us down because you have such an easy life without any family responsibilities (ignoring my partner's troubled daughter and his grandson).

As a matter of fact, I think I'll skip the family Thanksgiving this year. And even then it will be, "He had somewhere nicer to go and who needs him?"

by Anonymousreply 7511/13/2012

I am the turkey guts and neck in a bloody leaking plastic pouch that was forgotten inside the bird before it went into the oven. I am livering the entire bird with the stink of foul offal.

by Anonymousreply 7611/13/2012

I'm the uptight, bitter datalounge poster who has conjured up almost 100 scenarios of how people might behave at Thanksgiving and has already had a bad time before even setting foot in the house. If you say hello to me I jump back with squinted eyes and a sneer and ask "What did you mean by that??!!!"

by Anonymousreply 7711/13/2012

I'm the gay black sheep of the family who brings his nelly boyfriend to the proceedings that causes tension and has everyone talking about "those two queers" behind our backs... The normal ones recoil as we queers touch the HORS D’OEUVRES... thinking to themselves those queers are spreading their AIDS to them... we are quietly resented, looked upon with contempt for our success in getting gay marriage legalized, for our over exposure on new sitcoms, for our power in today's politics... the normals eyes show silent disdain as we pass their food around the table while engaging in trite, safe conversation... the straight men stay off in one corner of the room whispering about those two fags talking with the women...

Ah yes, Thanksgiving with The Family...

by Anonymousreply 7811/13/2012

I'm the burner that someone forgot to turn off and ended up scorching the dinner roll bag someone else left laying on me.

Now the entire house smells like burnt plastic.

by Anonymousreply 7911/13/2012

I'm the phrase, "I hate that bitch!"

I echo throughout the minds of mom, eldest daughter, and middle gay son as we listen to the youngest son's new girlfriend make every conversation about herself. Good manners keep me stifled behind a forced, angry smile.

The only one with enough balls to say me out loud is old, senile Nana, who shouts me when dad tells her the girlfriend made the pumpkin pie.

by Anonymousreply 8011/13/2012

I'm my mother's ill concealed disappointment at her lopsided failure to replicate the arrangement of corn cobs and garden mums that Martha Stewart makes look so easy.

by Anonymousreply 8111/13/2012

I'm your nervous Aunt Jan who came to dinner without her husband Carroll. He couldn't come because he "has a sinus headache". I'll sit nervously all through dinner afraid that you'll ask me about my kids Paul and Jessica who I discovered had been having sex off and on for about a year. I don't think anyone outside of my house knows but you know how those Church elders can talk.

I don't know where Paul and Jessica are tonight.

Later when I leave I won't go home. I'll just sit in my car in the dark for hours.

by Anonymousreply 8211/13/2012

I'm chardonnay. I make an excellent chaser for all the xanax mom takes throughout the day to make this holiday bearable.

by Anonymousreply 8311/13/2012

I'm the other black sheep of the family, from the 2010 thread. No utilikilt this year. Camouflage calf-length shorts and a sweater. To cover up the tattoos that will make an appearance when I hike up the sleeves.

No more kids table, they're older now and some of the old folks aren't here anymore. Still the young ones sit at my end and we tell jokes and they laugh at my Lady Gaga hand moves. They want to go to Goofy Golf, but it is raining and dinner is soon. Mother is remarkably calm despite my fagginess. She's accepted that I won't change. She's more upset with my forearm tattoos. "What kind of a job will you have if they see those?"

My brother the drunk n'er do well brought his wife and her geeky, clumsy son Darryl from her first marriage. The other kids sense fresh meat and mock him. During coffee, I take him downstairs to the basement and pull out my Star Wars action figures and Star Trek Enterprise models. He can tell you who each figure is and the lines from the films. I give them to him and Darryl is so happy and animated. His mother later thanks me.

I love my family, but a little goes a long way. Maybe Easter, more likely next Thanksgiving.

by Anonymousreply 8411/13/2012

I'm my coke and alcohol fueled sister, attempting to make Thanksgiving dinner for 15 people. No one will drink around me because they are afraid of encouraging my addictions. Everyone is watching the windows and doors, because they suspect my bipolar, unemployed, adderall-addicted boyfriend is going to show up uninvited. Joke is on them, because he IS invited, they just don't know it. If I surprise them, they'll have to nice to him- I mean, they can't be shitty to him right to his face. Right? Right?

by Anonymousreply 8511/13/2012

Aunt Jan at R82, are Paul and Jessica having sex with each other? Is this a Jerry Springer Thanksgiving Special?

by Anonymousreply 8611/14/2012

R86: they are.

by Anonymousreply 8711/14/2012

You sound sweet, LCD (R84).

by Anonymousreply 8811/14/2012

I am the gay son and his partner who show up every Thanksgiving, despite ill-concealed contempt from the others members of his family.

We bring a homemade side dish, wine and an autumn flower arrangement. We try very hard to be nice.

We only do it to visit Nana - whose Thanksgiving, this may be her last! We have been doing this for the past 15 years.

by Anonymousreply 8911/14/2012

Drunk uncle, drunk sister, drunk Mom? Does it really long as no one sets them off, what's the problem?

by Anonymousreply 9011/14/2012

I am the grandmother who cannot understand that her married/partnered children and grandchildren have other inlaws to visit and cannot spend every single moment of every single holiday in her presence, so obviously "you don't love me any more."

But I am also the DLer who, sadly, is too far away to spend Thanksgiving with his family and is glad he will be spending Christmas and New Year's with them, craziness and all.

by Anonymousreply 9111/14/2012

I'm always amazed that people have these gigantic Thanksgivings. I come from a very large extended family but everyone had their own Thanksgiving in their own house. I thought big Thanksgiving meals with great aunts and cousins and nieces and nephews were just a sitcom/movie thing to create drama/comedy. I thought it was like keeping milk in a pitcher in the refrigerator, having a stalk of celery and French bread peeking out of a brown grocery bag and eating Chinese food out of the box -- a media cliche that nobody did in real life.

by Anonymousreply 9211/14/2012

I am the successful oldest sibling of 4 who is missing from Thanksgiving for the first time. For 20 years, my partner went to his family's celebration and I've gone to mine. His mom died this summer and his family decided not to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. When I tell my siblings Chase is coming with me this year, 2 of them email back they don't think it's a very good idea.

My nieces, who've spent most summers with us since they were early teens, decide not to come home for Thanksgiving. And of course, this is all my fault.

Truth be told, 3 of my nieces go to college about 3 hours from us, and will come here this Sunday! I will take pictures and send them to my siblings without comment.

by Anonymousreply 9311/14/2012

Wow. #84 really, really loves himself.

by Anonymousreply 9411/14/2012

I'm the happy holiday TV commercial playing ironically in the background.

by Anonymousreply 9511/14/2012

I wish I could FB this.

by Anonymousreply 9611/14/2012

I'm the failed Presidential candidate who cuts in front of everyone, even the women and little kids, because it's tradition that I ALWAYS go first.

by Anonymousreply 9711/14/2012

I'm the old Aunt that annually proposes a toast before the Thanksgiving meal. I will raise my glass to my unbeknownst gay nephew and declare 'May God help him find a nice woman this year". Everyone toasts to this even though his parents know he is gay and is married to his partner who is sitting right next to him. The Aunt believes the partner is just a friend. The parents and the gay son wink at one another and hold in their guffaws.

by Anonymousreply 9811/14/2012

I'm Your First Encounter with a Big Dick

by Anonymousreply 9911/14/2012

I'm the potato salad no one will touch because Aunt GaGa, who made it, probably left it on the counter overnight and it spoiled. She tries to poison us with bad mayo every November. GaGa just hasn't been right since she fell off the porch.

by Anonymousreply 10011/14/2012

I'm the quiet nephew of the failed presidential candidate watching him, again, cut in front of women, small children and my elderly grandparents to help himself to the biggest piece of turkey. This year however I'll be relishing the fact that I have stabbed you in the back. And by "stabbing you on the back" I mean I voted for Obama.

by Anonymousreply 10111/14/2012

I'm the celery, ignored in a cut class bowl on the sideboard while everyone gets down and dirty with the mashed potatoes and stuffing. Maybe the fact that I'm filled with cream cheese is the problem.

by Anonymousreply 10211/14/2012

I'm the fat fuck, obnoxious "paterfamilias" who, tired of the football game, lumbers out to the kitchen to help speed materfamilias to put the food on the table. An argument ensues when she tells him to get the hell out of the kitchen as it's not big enough for him to be in there and tell her how to cook.

by Anonymousreply 10311/14/2012

Serves Aunt Gaga right, R100.

Who the hell serves potato salad on Thanksgiving anyway?

by Anonymousreply 10411/15/2012

Janice the weepy Lesbian vegan was hilarious, R71, but the fact that it was a joke post was revealed way too soon. That's probably why she didn't stick.

I remember thinking Janice was pathological. For those not in the know, Janice was the gf of OP's sister. The sister was an angry lesbian, Janice, her partner, was a hardcore vegan who couldn't even LOOK at people eating meat and requested to be in a separate room. She ended up bringing her food in Tupperware and eating on the porch by herself.

But then Janice did finally sit with the family for a while and somebody threw their vegetarian bred dog a piece of turkey. Janice burst into tears and said she knew nobody liked her It was great.

I think this may have been the same OP who created the "I'm in love with my father-in-law", "Once Around the Garden vs. Autumn Harvest" and myriad posts about crazy lesbians posting that their partners claimed to be posessed or were siccing their dogs on them.

by Anonymousreply 10511/15/2012

Was Janice the crab walking, possessed lesbian? That was one of my all time fave threads. I think one poster made a comment about his bf being a vampire and floating near the ceiling and he posting something to the effect of "as long as you're up there dust the ceiling fan". For some reason it totally had me in stitches.

by Anonymousreply 10611/15/2012

Oh, I love these. I'm the long elaborate family prayer right before dinner. You're all holding hands and secretly hoping I'll end before the food gets cold. I won't.

by Anonymousreply 10711/15/2012

I'm the obese frau who says "only five kinds of pie?"

by Anonymousreply 10811/15/2012

R106, those were two different threads but both Janice and the crab walking girlfriend were started by the same OP.

by Anonymousreply 10911/15/2012

I am my brother's mother-in-law. They call me "Grandma Poo-poo" behind my back. I am constantly bitching and moaning about something, but I do it in the form of a question to seem less self-centered. My favorite thing to do is to constantly harangue my grandsons (ages 4 and 6) about going to the bathroom. "Boys!!! Boys! Have you gone to the bathroom? When was the last time you made poo-poo? Do you need to go poo-poo? I think you need to go poo-poo. Do you need to go poo-poo? Sandra! (not her real name) Sandra!!! I think your boys need to go poo-poo. When was the last time they went poo-poo? Do you think it was too long ago for their last poo-poo? I think they need to go poo-poo. Boys! When was the last time you went poo-poo?" Now the boys shriek and run away from me whenever they see me. I don't know why. Do you know why? I can't figure out why. Can you figure out why?

by Anonymousreply 11011/15/2012

Old people really are obsessed about poopoo. I used to think it was a joke. It is not.

by Anonymousreply 11111/15/2012

That's true R111. My mom has stories about her mom making her take suppositories as a child. They were obsessed back then with bowel movements.

by Anonymousreply 11211/15/2012

I get to hear constantly about my father's irregularity so they still are obsessed with them.

by Anonymousreply 11311/15/2012

I'm the table full of assorted wines that various guests have brought as gifts -- every one of them undrinkable.

by Anonymousreply 11411/15/2012

I am the dueling colonoscopy stories that Uncle Tony and Uncle Bobo tell across the table. There is no winner.

by Anonymousreply 11511/15/2012

I'm the girl your cousin brought who is WAY to good for him.

I'm the story from 1974 that my Aunts and Uncles tell every year to camouflage their lack of a relationship since.

by Anonymousreply 11611/15/2012

I'm the relative who couldn't make it, who calls to say hi, but no one wants to talk to.

by Anonymousreply 11711/15/2012

[quote]Is it technically murder if it happens on Thanksgiving?

R46, I'm a lawyer & the answer is "yes". But I'd gladly defend you & most (all?) jurors would probably be on your side.t

by Anonymousreply 11811/15/2012

I'm me, scheming and thinking about ways to get out of Christmas, such as imaginary illnesses and freak snowstorms that only hit my neighborhood.

by Anonymousreply 11911/15/2012

I'm the kiddie table at Jerry Sandusky's house.

by Anonymousreply 12011/15/2012

I'm the kiddie at Uncle Jerry's house wondering why the hell I have to take a shower with him in the secret basement shower when I already had one at home!

by Anonymousreply 12111/15/2012

Thanks for reminding me of the "please dust the ceiling fan while you're up there" line, r106!

I don't think we ever found out the name of the crab-walking lesbian, did we?

by Anonymousreply 12211/15/2012

I'm your slightly tipsy aunt, who really wants to set you up with her best friend from Zumba class's husky, handsome daughter. (She brought photos.) She corners you by the clam dip and offers to set the two of you up, and asks if you use "email."

by Anonymousreply 12311/15/2012

I am Carrie Nation. I come to your Thanksgiving bearing a hatchet.

by Anonymousreply 12411/15/2012

I am the air-rippling fart that explodes from Uncle Ned's khaki-clad ass right before the pie is served.

by Anonymousreply 12511/15/2012

I'm the awkward look around the table. I appear when one the female family members thanks her husband for being a great provider. Everyone knows what she really means is that she's a gold digger.

by Anonymousreply 12611/15/2012

How about the cat that "lays a mind-blowing deuce"? Has it made an appearance yet?

by Anonymousreply 12711/15/2012

I am the product of a wonderful family. I love my life and the many people into whose midst I was born. I am gay. I am the secret looming to come out every Thanksgiving. I am the family member who was outed by her sister one Thanksgiving for being a vegetarian. I am the same girl outed a following year for voting for Gore. I am the awkward conversation arising years past when Brokeback Mountain entered theaters Thanksgiving weekend. Thanks...I am the same each year..the unanswered question of "Pretty..30s..why don't you have a boyfriend?"

by Anonymousreply 12811/15/2012

I am the tryptophan that gets mentioned every...single...time. Did you know that I'm the reason you're so drowsy after the big meal?!

by Anonymousreply 12911/15/2012

R112 - You may be onto something... My paternal grandmother (RIP) would tell my brother and I that she didn't believe the word "shit" was a 'bad' word because "If you can't shit, you live! If you don't shit for a few days, just see how long your ass will be alive!" She was a big believer in feeding us castor oil and eating 'roughage' too.

My maternal grandmother keeps castor oil to this day as well.

by Anonymousreply 13011/15/2012

LOL @ R129.

by Anonymousreply 13111/15/2012

I'm the handmade felt turkey head that you've pinned to a pineapple for the past 32 years. I'm also the pineapple that no one eats and rots in the back of the fridge until it's cleaned out to make room for Christmas leftovers.

by Anonymousreply 13211/16/2012

r115, in our family it was the dueling prostate surgery stories.

by Anonymousreply 13311/16/2012

I'm the DLer who talks about his "perfect" family life with an air of condescending pity.

by Anonymousreply 13411/16/2012

I am the delicious pile of carefully-cut, expensive proscuitto that my elderly, recently-widowed uncle has brought to dinner. While welcome, I am considered a bit out of place...

I am the cause of much hilarity when his niece, the hostess, explains that, in response to his query if he could bring anything, asked him to bring some prosecco...

(Uncle Julius - we love you dearly, but it really is past time to get a hearing-aid)

by Anonymousreply 13511/16/2012

I'm the lovable French-Canadian grandfather who insists that everyone at the table have a glass of wine, including the kids (diluted with water of course, and called a nuage, a cloud), to the delight of the kids and to the disgust of the other half of the family who are uptight, religious midwesterners. Always good for a laugh.

by Anonymousreply 13611/16/2012

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble bump

by Anonymousreply 13711/16/2012

I'm Aunt Cece's rotten ShiTzu. I must go with her everywhere. I always manage to break loose and find the most inaccessible place to both shit and vomit. That's after eating something that produces lots of sticky shit and gluey vomit. A month from now you will find the results of my work when you least expect it. Now excuse me, there's a box of tampons I have to shred, cat litter I have to regurgitate, and a hamster to drag through the dining room.

by Anonymousreply 13811/17/2012

I'm the crusty old placemats that your mother has used since 1974. They are gold and avocado green, and if only they could talk...

by Anonymousreply 13911/17/2012

I am your nephew, fresh off his first semester at a leafy liberal arts college. He has just completed six weeks of Poli sci 101, and is now a libertarian. He spends a portion of the meal lecturing everyone about the benefits of Libertarianism. His parents listen in rapt appreciation while you grind your teeth and gulp Pinot.

by Anonymousreply 14011/17/2012

I'm the uncle of the nephew at R140, ready to take him down talking point by talking point.

by Anonymousreply 14111/17/2012

I'm the wineglass. At some point today, everyone will look at me, say "thanks for coming," and truly mean it.

by Anonymousreply 14211/17/2012

I'm like R41. I dis-associated myself from my relatives long ago because I was sick of the pity: not smart enough, too homely, no social skills, etc. Always felt like an alien from an unknown planet. My two kitties are kinder and more truly loving than any member of my phoney, liar and hypocrite family.

by Anonymousreply 14311/17/2012

Stuffing made in the bird or outside the bird?


by Anonymousreply 14411/18/2012

R144, If you don't use eggs, meat, or meat based broth when making your stuffing, then you can cook it inside the turkey without harm.

I'm the "logical answer" that has never been invited to many family dinners.

by Anonymousreply 14511/18/2012

Im Friday's hangover.

by Anonymousreply 14611/18/2012

I'm the gay friend at a childhood friend's family dinner. I get along with everyone but am scared of her older brother who I always had a crush on but immediately turns on Fox News and starts ranting conspiracy theories. He's a psycho nut job and I know he wants to kill me but I want to choke on his cock.

by Anonymousreply 14711/18/2012

I'm the repressed, closeted older brother with a severe crush on my sister's childhood friend, the faggot. I want to get naked and rub all over him and maybe try sucking his cock. I jerk off sometimes thinking of this, and then get drunk until I pass out so I'll forget.

Maybe this year I'll get him alone.

by Anonymousreply 14811/18/2012

I'm the canned cranberry sauce. I came out of my can with a satisfying "schwuukkk" sound and now sit in a bowl. I'm still can shaped and you can see ridges circling my sides. The sister-in-law from New York is eyeing me with a small, self-satisfied smile on her face. She thinks that everyone will prefer her homemade cranberry sauce made with orange rind, which sits nearby. But everyone thinks that crap tastes like bitter pouporri. I'll get sucked down while my neighbor, hot shot New York cranberry, sits there looking like a pile of bloody fish eggs. NYC sister-in-law will take this as proof of her superiority.

by Anonymousreply 14911/18/2012

r101 - is that true? Dish please. Or can some paying member start a thread for r101

by Anonymousreply 15011/18/2012

I am Granddad Earl's portable urinal bottle. You will find me on the floor of the den, chewed up and useless after the dog is done using it as a toy.

by Anonymousreply 15111/18/2012

I am the haunted, sad look on your mother's face as she scrubs a pan clean in the sink later that evening.

by Anonymousreply 15211/19/2012

I am the iPhone of the only known gay member of the family connected to grindr. I just updated to tell my owner someone called toohot2bereal is less than 30 feet away. Hmmm

by Anonymousreply 15311/19/2012

r144, my family never put the stuffing in the bird. It is cooked in it's own pan. And we call it dressing. I put half a lemon, fennel, celery and some poultry seasoning in the bird's cavity.

by Anonymousreply 15411/20/2012

Bump for actual tension episodes live blogging as DLers arrive at their gatherings. Don't hold back.

by Anonymousreply 15511/21/2012

I am the shopping cart filled with ingredients for dessert and baked goods. I am left alone in the bakery aisle, abandoned in favor of store-made pies and cakes.

by Anonymousreply 15611/21/2012

I am the awkward moment when everyone is FORCED to state at least one thing they are thankful for while in the family circle about to say the blessing over the food.

I almost killed that family tradition when I used the opportunity to "come out." You should have seen the reaction when I simply said "I'm thankful to be gay." It is a moment that, for some in my family, will live forever in infamy.

by Anonymousreply 15711/21/2012

I'm the season turkey breast in the refrigerator that probably won't get cooked this year, since the person doing the cooking has been spending every waking moment at the hospital hoping that their 83 year old father recovers from a horrible bacterial infection.

by Anonymousreply 15811/21/2012

I'm the smart ass Datalounger who swore last Thanksgiving he would order a Turkey knit cap with turkey legs dangling over the ears and completely forgot. That hat would have made the family dinner much more bearable.

by Anonymousreply 15911/21/2012

Bravo, r157! Bravo!

by Anonymousreply 16011/21/2012

evening bump

by Anonymousreply 16111/21/2012

I'm the 16 year old that dumps out an entire 7up to refill the can with reisling. Then has a complete meltdown when my grandfather accidentally knocks it over. "It was just 7up" he said... They *really* don't understand me.

by Anonymousreply 16211/21/2012

I am the twin bed about to cause tension between two cousins.

by Anonymousreply 16311/22/2012

I am Turkey Medea, slaughtering my own children so nobody else can enjoy them.

by Anonymousreply 16411/22/2012

I'm the Bible verses on little strips of paper handed out to various guests (especially the black sheep) who are asked to read them before dinner is served. This is done in hopes we'll help the Holy Spirit convict sinners of their guilt and bring them to repentence. One of me always mysteriously disappears or gets handed to the most precocious child present.

by Anonymousreply 16511/22/2012

I'm the dog who smells like shampoo, b.o., and death. I rolled in something yesterday, so he gave me a bath. I try to motorboat every female crotch seated at dinner.

I do have some manners; I only beg from my human and the nice brother; the other brother frightens me. Scary brother will try to bring me out of my shell throughout the afternoon. He'll fail.

by Anonymousreply 16611/22/2012

I'm the creepy brother in law, who mentions a little too loudly how much he loves dark meat, while creepily laughing and looking at his wife's brother's black wife.

by Anonymousreply 16711/22/2012

I'm great-grandmother Lilith, smacking her lips--I took my teeth out earlier--over that part of the bird I call "The Pope's Nose". I can't wait to gum it!

by Anonymousreply 16811/22/2012

I am the beautifully set table. I am laden with exquisite china, sterling, and crystal. The candles and flowers are lovely, the host very happy with my appearance.

However, the idiot girlfriend of the idiot brother insists the the perfectly ironed and folded linen napkins are "too pretty to be used" and returns to the table with a roll of paper towels.

The host has murder in his eyes.

by Anonymousreply 16911/22/2012

I'm the creepy, useless brother-in-law who's living with his brother because he had nowhere else to go after he was released from prison after he robbed that credit union and sat in the hoosegow for 18 months.

I have no friends. None. Except for my brother. He doesn't know how to handle me so I get to do anything I want in my sister-in-law's house.

My sister-in-law hates me. She thinks I'm functionally retarded and I hate that because I know she's right.

I haven't showered in four days but since I smoke two packs a day I can't smell it so no one else will either.

I get to sit at the big table with my brother, his wife and her kids and their assorted family members and wonder why no one is talking to me let alone looking at me.

No one understands me!

by Anonymousreply 17011/22/2012

I'm the almost-out-of-sight vibrator the mother of the household quickly stashed in the magazine rack and forgot about

by Anonymousreply 17111/22/2012

Are you hung with massive manmeat, R170? 'cause that makes up for almost anything.

by Anonymousreply 17211/22/2012




Got any money I can borrow?

by Anonymousreply 17311/22/2012

My mother left dinner early in order to visit her hopelessly alcoholic boyfriend in his half-way house. He has been trying to dry out for over ten years (at least twice a year). She cannot accept that his alcohol will always be more important to him than she is. She refuses to listen to logic and will be an enabler , as usual,when he soon returns to her house for the next five months or so.

by Anonymousreply 17411/22/2012

You're a good guy [R34}

by Anonymousreply 17511/22/2012

I am the repressed gay husband of the hostess, I have comandeered the kitchen and am preparing an over-elaborate Thanksgiving feast. (Several turkeys, each different!)

We are (not surprisingly) not inviting any of my friends or family; all her friends - they are OUR friends.

During the festivities, I noticed a young nephew-of-someone-I-barely-know. I spend the rest of Thanksgiving wondering if he's gay, how to let him know that I am bi, and how we can hook up.

I am so intelligent I think my wife is clueless. She's not.

by Anonymousreply 17611/22/2012

I'm the person who despite showing little sign of mental capability says that "evolution can never be proved and is wrong." I'm at dinner with several PhDs, an MD, and even (after that whopper) a few snickering teenagers.

by Anonymousreply 17711/22/2012

I'm the repressed republican homosexual at the dinner trying out a new buttplug for size in the powder room.

by Anonymousreply 17811/22/2012

My partner just called me from Oregon where he is spending Thanksgiving with his sister, her bf and his mom and dad.

He asked his sister's bf to change the channel to watch a specific college game and he didn't want to so he threw the remote and stormed out of the room.

He came back 1/2 later and cold-cocked my partner. I saw the pics: there is blood all over his sister's carpet; he has a swollen lip and eye, and cuts and scrapes.

He said he got in a few good hits, but this other guy is big and beefy. My partner's in shock he says.

by Anonymousreply 17911/22/2012

I'm the adult, non-neurotic gay son who's just posted a picture of myself and my hot new boyfriend Raul enjoying ourselves on vacation this weekend in Puerto Villarta, barely containing my gloating attitude as I feign missing my brood of fat stupid kin currently farting and belching their way from the dinner table.

by Anonymousreply 18011/22/2012

I hope the photos are evidence for when your partner sues the boyfriend? Poor guy.

by Anonymousreply 18111/23/2012
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