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Loaning Money to a Love Interest

Someone I travel with occasionally and who is more or less a very good friend with benefits (for going on three years ...) is economically less well off than I am by a long shot. Still, we travel well together and have a lot of fun. I pay most everything and NEVER bitch about it. I am generous with meals, hotels, pocket money, etc.

I have loaned him money in the past, but stopped a while back when I saw that I would never be paid back. The amounts of the loans were nothing I could not afford to never recoup. I cut off the 'loans' and gifts out of principle. I felt preyed upon just because I have more. I'm not wealthy, but I saved carefully throughout my working life.

I got a series of very goopy e-mails from him over the past week, leading up to (guess what?) a plea for money for his mother, who is having hip issues. I turned him down flat, but nicely, and pointed out that family illness is a family matter. He has two deadbeat brothers who apparently never kick in.

I feel guilty, but I also keep asking myself where this would all end -- paying the mounting medical costs of an elderly woman? Then burial expenses? What more?

Thoughts on loaning money to FWBs or outright love interests?

by Anonymousreply 2911/11/2012

It's your money. Do with it as you please.

by Anonymousreply 111/11/2012

Op? enough.

by Anonymousreply 211/11/2012

I always consider "loans" to friends as gifts. As soon as I start to be concerned that I am being used I stop the flow.

by Anonymousreply 311/11/2012

it's his MOTHER OP. You can't talk about traveling and paying for everything for YOU but then pull back when it's his mother. Don't be a hater!!!

by Anonymousreply 411/11/2012

I've been in similar situations. What I object to is loaning money to people when they can't manage their own money. I'm reasonably well off, but I got that way by being responsible and conservative with my spending. I got tired of lending money to people and then having them spend it on things that I would never buy for myself because I would consider them extravagant or unnecessary. I finally told one friend that I'd only loan him money if he would allow me to manage his finances and decide what he could spend it on. Needless to say, he never asked again.

by Anonymousreply 511/11/2012

It sounds like you need to have a firm conversation with him about the "lending." If you determine that his mom does need the money, then write a check out to HER and tell him in clear terms that the money stops after. It's his mother, not yours.

by Anonymousreply 611/11/2012

Haven't we heard this exact scenario before? I seem to remember . . .

by Anonymousreply 711/11/2012

It's one thing to pay his share on trips if you're enjoying his company and he couldn't afford to go otherwise but something else to keep "loaning" him money. It sounds to me like it would never stop until you ran out.

by Anonymousreply 811/11/2012

Well, we know the whore will put out for fancy trips, but will the whore put ouy for a sick mother?

That's the real question here, OP.

by Anonymousreply 911/11/2012

By his own admission, he's a bad administrator of the money that he does have/get/earn. I've loaned him money for business improvements and it wasn't used for that, etc. Yeah, ha ha, I knew I'd get some 'whore' comments about this one, but .... hardly. He wouldn't be able to travel if it weren't for me -- unless he's doing it with other people and their money. Not my concern, really. I do NOT make a big deal about it and certainly don't lord it over him. We have a good time together and it's rare, really, to find someone you can travel with really well.

And I'm far from being a hater, by the way.

And really? No one mentioned the two brothers -- who apparently never contribute anything.

OK. I'm done. We can all go back to laughing really hard about caftans and earrings or something. Thanks for legitimate responses.

by Anonymousreply 1011/11/2012

And Cristal, dear ... if you're trying to be clever, at least proofread before you hit 'save'. Buffoon.

by Anonymousreply 1111/11/2012

tell him you can't. period.

by Anonymousreply 1211/11/2012

Your money, your decision how you spend it. Question: Would he really pay back this 'loan'? That can tend to be the galling point in in dealing with family, friends and money.

My nephew's mother (brother's ex wife) used to borrow money numerouse times. Until the time she asked and I gave her the money, saying "You know, part of BORROWING money is paying it back...". She knew she was done for and hasn't asked me again since.

by Anonymousreply 1311/11/2012

A sugar daddy who's not suggar daddying his 'friend' anymore? The nerve! Isn't that breach of your sugar daddy contract with him, or something?

by Anonymousreply 1411/11/2012

Hmm OP, it's your money and you get to call the shots. If you feel this way about lending him money then it's best to let him know, which you did. Great. He will know where he stands with you. But do not delude yourself that he is a supposedly "love interest".

If he is, I think the decent thing is probably to find out if the matter about his mother is true and if he is in urgent need for money.

Something I don't get about people is how tight ass they are about money. Yes I know you don't want to be made a fool for some one else's problems. Yes I know it's your hard earned money. But if it's true that he needs help with his mother would it hurt you to help?

You may feel a fool some time down the road but it beats feeling guilty. It is not a slippery slope to help once and feel obligated to help always. You can always have a choice.

by Anonymousreply 1511/11/2012

I had a friend ask for $1200 to catch her electric bill up this month. After talking with a mutual friend who had long ago cut her off because money was lent and never repaid. I sent her $500 with a christmas card and told her I don't loan money but here was an early xmas gift.

Hope that ends the asking.

by Anonymousreply 1611/11/2012

Based on past behavior, no, he won't repay the loan. I told him early on that if he did not repay any of it, 'that' loan would be the last and he couldn't ask for more. For a while, that stuck and there were no more asks for money.

Obviously, I've been hit up a time or two since then when he was 'stranded' somewhere, etc.

By the way, he lives in a different country and the culture isn't really into saving and planning for an 'ooops' like a sick mother. It isn't just his lack of financial administration skills. It's a pretty hand-to-mouth existence.

I can't stand the thought of him stranded somewhere, nor can I stand the thought of his mother being in danger. But I have started wondering if maybe the scenarios, now, are being made up outright or at least elaborated on for the emotional impact. That makes me furious. Being played and being preyed upon WILL turn me into a hater.

by Anonymousreply 1711/11/2012

the title of this is wrong; it should be Loaning Money to a Friend With (Fewer) Benefits

by Anonymousreply 1811/11/2012

OK as the person who is usually the poorer younger love interest that gets bought things I say NO LOANING money. If I actually like a guy I'll let him buy me things and take me out, but I would never ever ask him for a loan. It sounds like you're being used.

by Anonymousreply 1911/11/2012

OP, you have been paying for this persons services. If you were to stop...he would move on. Don't kid yourself.

by Anonymousreply 2011/11/2012

This thread is useless without a picture of him living amongst poverty.

by Anonymousreply 2111/11/2012

You travel together and he lives in a different country ?? Uhhhhh, OP ....he's an escort.

by Anonymousreply 2211/11/2012

OP left out the "lives in another country" and "hand to mouth existence" in his original post. This now makes him another guy with money to spare who hires himself a traveling companion cum rentboy. Hardly the good and generous friend he would paint himself. You get what you pays for, so pay him.

by Anonymousreply 2311/11/2012

Is he Latino?

by Anonymousreply 2411/11/2012

Bingo. Yes --- Latino.

by Anonymousreply 2511/11/2012

Sounds like he is a common whore, who you have become friendly with. Just find another whore who is not so needy.

by Anonymousreply 2611/11/2012

[quote]Something I don't get about people is how tight ass they are about money. Yes I know you don't want to be made a fool for some one else's problems. Yes I know it's your hard earned money. But if it's true that he needs help with his mother would it hurt you to help?

You may feel a fool some time down the road but it beats feeling guilty. It is not a slippery slope to help once and feel obligated to help always. You can always have a choice.

Tight? I guess those who are used to being on the receiving end would feel that way but the ones being generous should be cautious, very cautious.

Of course it's a slippery slope when you start giving some people handouts. It could very well be a con. The OP has already given the guy money which has not been repaid.

If this was your long term partner, OP, that would be different but even then it could be problematic.

by Anonymousreply 2711/11/2012

this will end in tears.

by Anonymousreply 2811/11/2012


Let's be honest here: he's a hooker, not a friend, and I've got twenty bucks that says he's at least a generation younger than you are. So pay him for his services, as you would an advertising rentboy, and let him deal with his own problems.

by Anonymousreply 2911/11/2012
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