"All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian."
"I don’t want to say too much about illegal immigration. I’m afraid my views will be reported on the Cinco O’Clock News."
On the Miranda warning: "Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business."
"A good many people feel that our present draft laws are unjust. These people are called soldiers."
"Sex doesn't have to be taught. It's something most of us are born with."
"When originally "denying" he was running, borrowing from General William Sherman in 1884: "I will not run if nominated, and if elected I will not serve."
"Presidential campaign slogan: "I've upped my standards. Now, up yours."
"Presidential campaign slogan: "If elected, I will win."
"Campaign supporters' rallying cry: "We can't stand Pat!"
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman."
"I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird."
"If either the right wing or the left wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles."
"Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them."
"When asked if he believed in the right to bear arms: "No, I believe in the right to arm bears."
"On network censorship: "I feel proud to be living in a country where people are not afraid to laugh at themselves and where political satire is tolerated by the government, if not the television network."
"On network censorship: "Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss."
On his political affiliation: "I belong to the Straight Talking American Government Party, or STAG Party for short."