My eating problems got started when I came down with a really viscous, nasty 2 week bout of stomach flu. After the 3rd day sick I went to see my doctor, and he said there wasn't anything he could do to help me, the flu would just have to run it's course. He did say that going on a clear liquid diet would help to keep me from getting too dehydrated as well as making sure I got some nutrition. So I went on a clear liquid diet, and about a week later I was over the flu and feeling pretty much back to belonging to the human race again.
I thought I could probably eat regular food again. The first meal I made was brown rice and grilled vegetables, (one of my favorite meals). I just couldn't make myself eat it, something about it seemed really hideous to me, so I ate my liquid meal. Tried again with breakfast : yogurt, small bowl of fresh fruit and a bran muffin, same reaction. This went on for about a week. Then it got to where just looking at food, or touching it makes me very nauseous. It's been bit over 8 weeks since when I got over my stomach flu, and about nearly 10 weeks that I've been on my clear liquid diet.
Before this happened I was overweight by about almost 55 lbs (tho probably closer to 60 lbs). I was a bit of a foodie, I'd taken several cooking classes at the California Culinary Academy. I was a really good home cook and loved to cook dinner for my friends at least a couple times a Â week. I also loved finding good, out of the way, restaurants to share with my friends.
On my clear liquid diet I've lost around 30 lbs since I got the flu 10 weeks ago. I'm thrilled with how good my body is starting to look. So many friends, co workers and Â acquaintances have all told me how great I look since I lost the weight.
It feels SO amazingly good to go out cloths shopping and trying on clothes that only have one X in the size. I'm also loving the way guys are looking at me and flirting with me. I think the old saying must be true, the more weight a person gains the less visible they become.
I know how bad this for me. I lost a great college friend to an eating disorder, but I also have discovered that I'm pretty damn good at rationalizing and lying about this. I quit going out to lunch with my co workers telling them I have other plans for lunch, or that I'm using my lunch hour to run errands. When my friends invite me to dinner, if I can't think up an excuse right away, I accept the invitation, then call on the day of the dinner and claim to be coming down with a cold and don't want to make any of the other guests sick, or I have a fake last minute emergency Â that just came up. Â I even lie to myself. I tell myself it's ok because I'm taking mega vitamins. I tell myself that my body is working better since it's not all slogged down processing food. I've also been telling myself that once I get rid of the 30-35 lbs, and maybe a little bit more I'll stop. I said almost the same thing when I lost the first 20 lbs. I tell myself I'm doing better because I've quit the clear liquid diet, but all I've done is go to a full liquid diet, and even with that I sometimes get grossed out just thinking about the food in my stomach, and how many calories were in the 1 cup serving of soup I just ate.
This 'thing' has made me into a liar, it's turned me into a very bad friend. I hate it, but I don't know what it is or what to do to stop it. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not even 100% sure I that I really WANT to stop this, even tho I KNOW I need to. The rational side of my brain is screaming to get help now, don't even wait a week. And it's telling meÂ that it was pretty stupid to even keep on a liquid diet when I got over the flu.Â The fucked up side keeps telling me that the longer I keep doing this the better I'll look.
This is some fucked up eating disorder, right?Â Or is there any chance its something else?
Should I go back to my doctor? Or a shrink? Are there shrinks that only work with people with food issues? How do I even find the right kind of shrink for my food issues?