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Physical standards for friends

I had dinner with my partner and some of his old friends this weekend, and one of them said something that really took me aback: he will not be friends with anyone unless they take care of their health (which means they have to eat right and work out) and are attractive.

This kind of shocked me. I can see caring about this for someone you sleep with, but I couldn't imagine making this restriction for your friends. Why would it matter if you're not going to sleep with the person?

I was curious if any of the rest of you also have this restriction on who your friends are.

by Anonymousreply 8010/26/2012

I was picky like this in my late teens and early twenties. I justified it by telling myself that I wanted to surround myself with positive people who I had things in common with. Exercise, diet, and fashion were a huge part of my life at the time. I grew up.

by Anonymousreply 110/08/2012

He's afraid that being spotted in the company of someone less-attractive, in his opinion, than his own perfect self will lower his social standing among other perfect specimens and frighten them off.

Stereotypical pretentious cunty queen whose sense of self-worth comes from picking acquaintances who meet his standards of physical attractiveness.

I can't imagine this vapid bitch has any real friends at all.

by Anonymousreply 210/08/2012

There are lots of insecure superficial types who would be "afraid" to be seen hanging out with unattractive people. More than you would think sadly.

It really tells you all you need to know about someone though. It smacks of deep rooted insecurities and unhealthy vanity. Not a friend I would want.

by Anonymousreply 310/08/2012

Think about it though.

I can't stand smokers.

I can't stand people who can't handle their liquor or use drugs.

I'm sorry, but I find that really fat people are generally lazy whiners who have body odor and no self control.

I'm not ripped and my friends aren't either, but we all generally take good care of ourselves. Is what this guy said really just the truth? Aren't we all more or less drawn to people we have habits in common with? Why would I be friends with them otherwise?

by Anonymousreply 410/08/2012

I had a straight female friend who was like this. She would only be friends with other attractive females. She was in the hot female sorority in college etc.

I've never been that way - I was always kind of a science geek and was friends with other geeks in school.

When we became friends at work it was like she conferred some honor on me because she was willing to be friends/be seen in public with me. Bizarre, but strangely flattering.

I will say that barhopping with her and her friends earned me some major upgrades in the guys that hit on me.

I always thought that this was a uniquely straight female behavior. Interesting that some gay guys do it as well.

It's all about status, apparently.

by Anonymousreply 510/08/2012

In the end, people like this can only form superficial relationships. Don't get upset - they will self destruct.

If a person won't be friends with someone who fun and lively but is also fat, can you imagine what this person is going to be like in *any* relationship? What if someone gets sick or unemployed or depressed? Is it straight to the curb?

by Anonymousreply 610/08/2012

It's stupid and shallow. I work out a lot and am only attracted to fit guys but I'll be friends with people of any body type. For friends, it's their PERSONALITY that is the only requirement. Why do you care if you think your friend is attractive or not? I think it's better to have friends you're not attracted to so nothing romantic would ever end up happening in the future. OP, I think your friend is an idiot.

by Anonymousreply 710/08/2012

I think r4 should think about r3's description for a good long while.

by Anonymousreply 810/08/2012

As long as you make me laugh, we can be friends!

by Anonymousreply 910/08/2012

It depends R6. If my friends are active and like to work out and play sports, then fattie wouldn't really be hanging out with us, would he?

OTOH, if all you do is sit around, watch TV and eat, then it's not really a problem.

As far as being attractive, well that's subjective, isn't it?

by Anonymousreply 1010/08/2012

Surely hanging out will less attractive people will only make you look MORE attractive in comparison.

by Anonymousreply 1110/08/2012

I didn't know many had this rule until I got sick and could no longer keep in shape or look attractive.

by Anonymousreply 1210/08/2012

I think just about all of my friends are attractive, but maybe it's because they are my friends.

I don't hang out with people who smoke or do drugs, and most of my friends are funny and positive. I am a yoga rat, so I'm around meditators and vegetarians, mostly.

As long as you are smart and true and have a good heart - you are my friend.

by Anonymousreply 1310/08/2012

Mama said always surround yourself with people who are just a bit more homely than you are. You'll stand out.

by Anonymousreply 1410/08/2012

R4 appears to make some kind of point, but needs to dig a lot deeper. Do you really want clones of yourself as friends? I don't.

I am average looking, and my best friend is model gorgeous. He also has terrible body odor, and is totally messy. He likes me because I offer different viewpoints on things, and help him to get his shit together. He helps me to loosen up.

Most guys I've met who are a LOT like me I end up not hanging out with at all, as we bore each other. That counts for looks AND habits.

by Anonymousreply 1510/08/2012

Oh for goodness sake. Pretty people run in packs. It's one of the first lessons of high school.

But hopefully it is the kind of thing you leave behind after you reach sixteen.

by Anonymousreply 1610/08/2012

[quote]If my friends are active and like to work out and play sports, then [bold]fattie[/bold] wouldn't really be hanging out with us, would he?

Oh, dear--you've stupidly tipped your hand too easily.

I doubt you even have friends.

by Anonymousreply 1710/08/2012

Years ago, I hung around with friends who were very good looking and in shape (Unlike me) There wasn't any odd requirements to our friendship, except our common bond as friends. One weekend we went hiking and I lagged waaaay behind. That was the impetus for me to eventually drop 100 pounds and get my act together. None of them had ever mentioned my weight before, but they were very supportive when I decided to change my life.

by Anonymousreply 1810/08/2012

Cognitive psychology studies indicate that we tend to see our friends as more attractive anyway thus the attractive demand is weird since attractiveness is subjective and once you like the person you see them as more attractive.

I'm a health nut who works out and eats right. Most of my friends are fairly healthy eaters and active. But that has nothing to do with size or attractivess. I have 60 year old friends who are lean and 30 year old friends who are heavy. Doesn't matter I can find something appealing in both types.

I could see having friends who one shares things with and who would enjoy similar places to eat or hang out but that doesn't mean the friend will be thin. I have to admit that I don't have friends who are over 300 pounds but that's probably b/c I'm sporty and people who are very very heavy probably wouldn't enjoy engaging in a lot of physically demanding things since their weight might make them feel uncomfortable or tired.

by Anonymousreply 1910/08/2012

Yes, shocking as it may be to you R17, I do have friends. I also know the difference between friends and acquaintances.

Most of you who say you'll be friends with anyone are really talking about people you are merely friendly with. My friends have been "my friends" for nearly 30 years. We were all pretty young things once, but now as we age we do know the importance of taking care of ourselves. This doesn't mean we are superficial. In all honesty though you don't stay friends with people who have a vastly different outlook on health and lifestyle, and therefore I couldn't be friends with, say Mama June.

You guys just want to hate so badly that you will sit there and deny the truth, which is you wouldn't REALLY be friends with Mama June either. Oh sure, we would be nice to her and all, because she would surely be nice to us, but hang out day in and day out? No, and if you say otherwise then you're a pack of fucking liars.

by Anonymousreply 2010/08/2012

Um, [R20], who's Mama June? Do you mean Mama Cass? Or is June just the nickname you and your gorgeous friends use to describe someone who's too fat to run with your pack?

by Anonymousreply 2110/08/2012

I think R20 is talking about Honey Boo Boo's mom and he's right, none of us would be close friends with her.

R20 is correct in that if one is into taking care of their bodies, their close friends would also naturally be concerned with health. We are friends with those who have similar values. And values around health is a big one since it informs who we meet, where we hang out, and what we do with our friends. People who are active will naturally gravitate toward others who are also active. Our acquaintances wouldn't have to be that way since those are people we talk to once in a while but who are not as important in terms of our socializing with the.

by Anonymousreply 2210/08/2012

No dipshit. Are you new here? Mama June is Honey Boo-Boo's 300lb mother, who people have gone to great lengths in a few threads to emphasize how she is a kind woman and should not be demonized for her ample size.

by Anonymousreply 2310/08/2012

I've often noticed this among some gay guys. To make matters worse having "attractive" friends sometimes translates into having exclusively white friends. I'm always amazed when someone from a large American city has no no-white friends.

by Anonymousreply 2410/08/2012

[quote]Oh sure, we would be nice to her and all, because she would surely be nice to us, but hang out day in and day out?

Who hangs out "day in and day out" with even their very closest friends? We have jobs, we have family and other friends, we have independent lives that don't require us being constantly glued to each other. That's part of being secure with yourself and each other, not having the need to always be hanging out with each other, day in and day out.

So, your point is... pointless.

It's interesting that this thread has suddenly become all about fat. There are plenty of slender people who don't take care of themselves and have unhealthy lifestyles. Isn't that what the original post was about? I have about 30 pounds that I could do without, but I'm middle-aged, strong as a bull and have never had any sort of health issues.

by Anonymousreply 2510/08/2012


by Anonymousreply 2610/08/2012

Your partners old friends are insufferable assholes.

by Anonymousreply 2710/08/2012

Your friend's friend doesn't give two shits about people's health or well being. He cares about how people he thinks are unattractive reflect upon HIM. Revolting gay narcissism. Ugh.

by Anonymousreply 2810/08/2012

[quote]no no-white friends.

I have some "no no white friends"

They say "no no" but their holes say "yes yes".

by Anonymousreply 2910/08/2012

Ok, if we are not going to be friends with Mama June, how about Honey Boo Boo herself?

by Anonymousreply 3010/08/2012

Old psych studies show that a person's perceived attractiveness is affected by who they are with. The same person will be perceived as more attractive if they are with attractive people, and less attractive when seen in the company of less attractive people.

You might expect a beauty would be more apparent when surrounded by ugliness, but this is not the case.

Not that this justifies picking friends for their appearance. That's only good for getting you into clubs - and who needs that after 27?

by Anonymousreply 3110/08/2012

[quote]No dipshit. Are you new here?

So, R21 doesn't watch vapid reality television, nor spends all day on DL reading threads about vapid reality television, and he's (she's?) a dipshit?

by Anonymousreply 3210/08/2012

Oh boy, this thread will have 600 replies by dawn.

Why do you bitches care so much about shit like this?

by Anonymousreply 3310/08/2012

No, no physical standards for friends. I've just gravitated towards people I enjoy spending time with, where we share the same interests and similar sense of humor.

Although OPs comment struck a nerve with me, because recently I saw a good friend of mine for the first time in about six months. He's put on a lot of weight. He wasn't a small guy to begin with, I'd guess he used to weigh 230-240, stands about 5'10" or 5'11". Now he's probably close to the 300 lb level (maybe 280?), and I almost said something to him. Nothing nasty, but just something to encourage him to take better care of himself. But I couldn't find the right words, so I didn't say anything. I just don't want him dropping dead of a heart attack by the time he's 45.

by Anonymousreply 3410/08/2012

When I was a lot younger I only wanted to hang out with thing, athletic, people who were into the latest. As I matured I found that what's on the surface is no indication of what's lies below the surface. I learned a bit of patience and compassion. One of my best friends is obese, morbidly so. Under my old standards she wouldn't be a remote part of my life. Now, I understand the stresses she is experiencing, and the sadness of knowing how she knows she is killing herself. She is one who would be there for a friend no matter what. While I wouldn't make it a concentrated habit of hanging around morbidly obese people, I certainly would not be so judgmental as to turn away from a friend who has such a degree of compassion and integrity.

by Anonymousreply 3510/08/2012

[quote]I only wanted to hang out with thing, athletic, people

By which you must mean athletic people who thought they were Miss Thing.

by Anonymousreply 3610/08/2012

R36, R35 here. You got it. Sometimes, if we're lucky, as we mature we grow to appreciate what is truly important in a person. By "mature" it doesn't necessarily mean as we grow older. If we're doubly lucky, we don't have to wait until we are older for such enlightenment.

by Anonymousreply 3710/08/2012

Smart, funny and kind is all I care about in a friend. And when I say kind, I don't mean nice; being nice is all about manipulation. Being kind is about doing the right thing even when it makes you uncomfortable.

by Anonymousreply 3810/08/2012

Nice can also be a synonym for kind, but people have all sorts of weird ideas about the word nice that it is difficult to use it now.

by Anonymousreply 3910/08/2012

R39 Well, it certainly doesn't apply to you, does it now?

by Anonymousreply 4010/08/2012

All of my friends are Hell's Kitchen whores, so Things are working out quite well for me!

by Anonymousreply 4110/08/2012

Nothing makes you look more attractive than surrounding yourself with fatties and uglies.

by Anonymousreply 4210/08/2012

I don't have such acted-on biases (Please don't call them "standards"), but find that as an adult the smokers, alcoholics, overeaters and druggies I know tend to drop away. People with serious issues, as addicts have, find it difficult to maintain equal, non-codependent or enabling relationships. And while I am polite and don't intrude or judge, I don't play bullshit games with people who call themselves my friends.

As for appearances, I enjoy attractive people but see attractiveness as a broad category. The funny packs of queer-clones who obviously have selected-in because of a mutual "standard" of attractiveness tend to look like circus acts. That's how I assume the OP's partner's old friend lives.

by Anonymousreply 4310/08/2012

"If my friends are active and like to work out and play sports, then fattie wouldn't really be hanging out with us, would he?"

You can't have any friends outside your regular group who all have to do the same things together?

You're sounding more and more like Regina George or Heather Chandler (which completely ties in to the attitude towards what you call "fatties") with each new posting.

Please keep posting: we find you fascinating.

by Anonymousreply 4410/08/2012

And this is why I don't actively seek friendship with my fellow gays. Many are too dumb to see the stupidity in this.

by Anonymousreply 4510/08/2012

I love beauty. And I see it in a lot of places. If I am really turned on by someone's intellect or their warmth, they will look beautiful to me.

by Anonymousreply 4610/08/2012

Hey [R32], [R21] here...appreciate the support!...and [R23], you're right, I don't watch the reality shows about those Boo Boo people, as it were, and had no clue that's who was being referenced. I stand corrected. Guessing my dipshit-ness would keep me outta *your* circle of friends...and I think I'd be all right with that! lol

by Anonymousreply 4710/08/2012

me, too, R46

by Anonymousreply 4810/08/2012

I've seen where top tier people pal around because their looks were a major part of their lives, and thus the experience of it was something they could relate to with each other. For those who were just reasonably good looking, I found something similar to r42, if not that extreme. People do enjoy being "the pretty one" in a circle of friends and would pal with people a little less attractive so they could be the best looking.

by Anonymousreply 4910/08/2012

R46 Thanks for joining us, Oprah.

by Anonymousreply 5010/08/2012

Who IS this disgusting troll who starts at r4?

We know he's an old man - listen, gramps, there are people who wouldn't want to hang out with YOU because of your advanced age.

by Anonymousreply 5110/08/2012

[quote]People do enjoy being "the pretty one" in a circle of friends and would pal with people a little less attractive so they could be the best looking.

Except that everyone has differing ideas of who's more attractive than who.

In any group of, say, 5 friends, you would find that at least 3 of them each consider themselves to be the best-looking of the group (the other 2 have low self-esteem).

Exception: if these friends are being objectively judged by a large group of people: say, because they're all famous reality "stars", or if they've each submitted a pic to HotOrNot.

by Anonymousreply 5210/08/2012

How sad that R20 will be dropped cold by all his "close" friends if he gets ill and can no longer engage in the same activities. They'll shun him for not taking good 'enough' care of himself to avoid illness. They wont want to see him for fear of being reminded of their own fleeting mortality. They'll stop taking his calls and defriend him on facebook. He'll no longer be invited to gatherings. No one to help him if he needs a ride to chemo treatments. No one to hold his hand while he lays dying in the hospital.

Will they even go to your funeral, R20?

by Anonymousreply 5310/08/2012

I only have hot friends. I've also at least messed around with all of my friends. Now, I'm talking friends, not acquaintances.

by Anonymousreply 5410/08/2012

[quote]recently I saw a good friend of mine for the first time in about six months. He's put on a lot of weight....he's probably close to the 300 lb level (maybe 280?), and I almost said something to him. Nothing nasty, but just something to encourage him to take better care of himself.

Idiot, you think he doesn't know he's fat? He thinks about it every minute of every day.

I'm much more inclined to reject stupid people, like R34, as friends.

by Anonymousreply 5510/09/2012

I don't like people who won't be friends with me for the way I look. I want friends to accept me for who I'm pretending to be.

But you have to be rich.

by Anonymousreply 5610/09/2012

I think it's even more common for gay men to only choose friends from higher income levels. I know someone who segments that way. He *will* be friends with someone from a lower income level, but they won't get invites from him except to some of his large parties. But never to dinner parties, or opera parties, etc. The ostensible reason is they can't afford to reciprocate or pay for their tickets, etc. But it goes deeper than that.

by Anonymousreply 5710/09/2012

He's materialistic R57.

by Anonymousreply 5810/09/2012

R57. He should let them decide for themselves what they can afford. He's a douche.

by Anonymousreply 5910/09/2012

I is that you? How come you won't return my emails?

by Anonymousreply 6010/09/2012

That too R59. I don't invite friends out because I want reciprocation. I invite them because I like them and enjoy making dinner or buying them a drink, etc.

by Anonymousreply 6110/09/2012

Avoid shallow people. They're damaged beyond repair and don't care about you. They'll drop you like a stone the second you become poor, sick or unattractive.

by Anonymousreply 6210/09/2012

This person, with their undefined yet perpetual feeling of slight unhappiness, is the equivalent of the bridezilla on the other thread.

by Anonymousreply 6310/09/2012

R55, you sound like the dumb one. Re-read R34's post. He realizes his friend knows he's fat; he was simply trying to offer encouragement... and in the end was silent because he couldn't find the right words.

It's a tragic thing to place silly requirements on friendship, and even more tragic when you can't meet those requirements yourself.

by Anonymousreply 6410/09/2012


by Anonymousreply 6510/09/2012

In my experience, gay men are the worst at this. I'm sure I'll get blasted, but I think it has a lot to do with perceived social standing. Gay men can be so 'high school' it hurts. But what it ultimately comes down to for most people is being friends with people who have the same interests as you. It's a bit awkward having a conversation, for example, with someone who doesn't have the same interests. You also want to be friends with someone who does the same things as you. Say, if you're a swimmer or you like to play golf, then you're going to look for people to do those things with.

by Anonymousreply 6610/09/2012

I honestly don't care about people's looks, but I sure do love a man with a big dick.

by Anonymousreply 6710/09/2012

I feel really sorry for people like that. You just know they don't have any true friends really. They will grow old lonely and alone.

by Anonymousreply 6810/09/2012

I have a friend who is big in many ways. He is about 6'5" and 70 pounds overweight. He has an ego to match his size and is never shy about offering his opinion even when discretion would suggest he keep quiet.

However, he can be really funny and he is really smart (PhD). Despite his sometimes overbearing personality, he actually listens to what I say and is able to have conversations about ideas large and small.

I suppose I could drop him as a friend because of his unhealthy choices or even his strong personality, but it would make my life less interesting.

by Anonymousreply 6910/09/2012

Well, R53, seeing as they've been around for almost 30 years, we have all seen each other through tough times in each oher's lives. God, you sound like an idiot. No, I wouldn't want to be your friend. At least you got that part right.

Some of you sound desperate for any kind of attention. Pick ME! Love ME! It's sad. Are you overcompensating for being disliked when you were young?

by Anonymousreply 7010/09/2012

R69, does he also have a big dick?

by Anonymousreply 7110/09/2012

R 69 I think if I were around popele like your friend, I would be his friend, too. He sounds quite interesting. I love people who are have academic accomplishmetns and who travel. Because I am involved in yoga and show business I tend to meet "pretty" people, or at least - very fit people. But, I love big personalities and consider that "attractive" as well.

by Anonymousreply 7210/09/2012

Shallowness is quite fashionable these days.

by Anonymousreply 7310/09/2012

Physical standards for friends? And 73 responses? This must be a gay message board.

by Anonymousreply 7410/09/2012

Your standards for your friends (and we all have standards) reflect your priorities. What's important to you -- beauty, health, money, intelligence, entertainment, drugs, power, honesty, loyalty? Look at your friends and find out.

by Anonymousreply 7510/09/2012

I generally don't spend much time with gym rats or exercise/fitness freaks. Staying fit is fine, there's nothing wrong with it. Being obsessed with fitness is too boring and annoying to be tolerated.

by Anonymousreply 7610/09/2012

R76 = Guy Ritchie

by Anonymousreply 7710/25/2012


by Anonymousreply 7810/26/2012

You see, we are a private salon catering to ravishing beauties only. Even one average customer would be enough to plummet our reputation forever. We must pick and choose with great care.

by Anonymousreply 7910/26/2012

I don't notice much about the physical appearance of friends. As long as we have a great friendship, looks don't count. I couldn't tell you which are my height, taller, shorter, thinner, heavy, etc. They're friendly, caring, clean, don't smoke, enjoy life, most are creative, well read, good conversationalists. Who could ask for anything more?

by Anonymousreply 8010/26/2012
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