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We accept the love we think we deserve

A very wise young man told me this once. Do you think it's true? So many of us don't have the self-confidence or self-esteem to think we deserve more. We're with the wrong people or with no one at all. How do we break the cycle? With more self-awareness the possibilities can be infinite.

by Charliereply 2510/10/2012

Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?

by Charliereply 110/07/2012

Puh.

I think I deserve all kinds of things, but I rarely get them.

But aphorisms are cute, Charlie. Keep 'em comin'.

by Charliereply 210/07/2012

I need this.

by Charliereply 310/07/2012

I don't agree with the aphorism because it doesn't hold true for many and has so many exceptions. That notwithstanding, my boyfriend has very low self confidence and self respect, and I'm trying to make him feel he's worthy of love and respect (including his own). It's very hard to do. Any ideas? It seems futile at times, although he has many great qualities that he should be proud to have.

by Charliereply 410/07/2012

Your professor is not young, Charlie.

by Charliereply 510/07/2012

I think Paul Rudd is VERY young.

by Charliereply 610/07/2012

R4, you say you don't agree with this yet your boyfriend is the perfect example of this. You make no sense.

by Charliereply 710/07/2012

It's nice sounding, but rather new agey blame the victim in the spirit of self improvement. It's rather like saying someone in an abusive relationship thinks they deserve it. Sometimes that is true, but more often than not, they are conditioned into believing that by the behaviour of their partner. My experience has been the reverse of the homily. I had several relationships that were dysfunctional when I thought I deserved far more. Now I'm in a relationship and it took a couple of years to think I deserved it.

by Charliereply 810/07/2012

Gurrrrrl

by Charliereply 910/07/2012

That's so fucking retarded Opie. Isn't that in the commercial for some retarded new movie? I'm thinking nobody told you this and you read this shit on some teenagers Facebook page.

by Charliereply 1010/07/2012

Fuck you, R10. I think it's really profound. I even got a tattoo of it.

by Charliereply 1110/07/2012

My chest

by Charliereply 1210/07/2012

R4, I wrote that I don't agree with the aphorism because it doesn't hold true for many and has so many exceptions. Just because it apparently happens to be the case with my boyfriend doesn't make it the case for all, or even most, relationships. I've seen too many exceptions.

by Charliereply 1310/07/2012

I agree with this sentiment.

Someone once said to me, "People will only allow you to love them as much as they love themselves." And I never forgot it because I think it's true.

I've known some truly screwed up people with terrible childhoods who just didn't get the love and stability they needed. They have never been able to have a stable relationship that lasted, even when it was an option. Their self hate/low self confidence just didn't seem to trust the genuine love that was offered to them or they felt 'suffocated' by it because they weren't used to it.

That said, I know that MANY people grow up in dysfunctional homes and go on to have very stable adult lives. So a chaotic upbringing doesn't = screwed up adulthood.

But I've always felt frustrated by those and for those who couldn't seem to handle love and stability when it was offered to them. They only knew dysfunction and chaos growing up and couldn't seem to feel comfortable with a loving, stable environment.

by Charliereply 1410/07/2012

Define "genuine love," R14.

Yeah -- I didn't think so.

You boys have been reading too many self-help books.

by Charliereply 1510/07/2012

R4, The answer is to help your boyfriend break the mental conditioning, even brainwashing, of his youth. By comparison, do girls in physically abusive relationships seek out the violent? Or have they been mentally trained to accept bad behavior, rather than run at the first bad signs? Don't flatter your boyfriend; that's not what he really wants. He's probably encountered very few examples of healthy and positive friendships. He may not even realize his pattern of self-criticism. Sometimes constant reassurance and demonstrations of love works wonders.

by Charliereply 1610/07/2012

Thanks, R16. A lot of what you wrote makes sense. I've wondered whether he was abused as a child, sexually or otherwise. He's been very open about many sensitive areas pertaining to his childhood, but there are a few areas that are off limits, which has led to my suspicion of his being abused, along with the fact that he's not accepting, or feels worthy, of love. I wish I knew how to do the following: "Sometimes constant reassurance and demonstrations of love works wonders" without seeming like I'm just being "pussy-whipped" and giving in to everything he wants. I try to do that, but I think he's suspicious of that because, as you wrote, "He's probably encountered very few examples of healthy and positive friendships." He can even be mocking or cruel when I do that only to turn around and be caring later (especially when inebriated, unfortunately).

by Charliereply 1710/07/2012

I believe I deserved to be loved by a Greek God, a caring Greek God with a sculpted body.

Your move, Universe.

by Charliereply 1810/07/2012

It would make a really great high concept show, especially centered around the gay scene of Manchester c. 1999

by Charliereply 1910/07/2012

R17, Sounds like he's unconsciously copied some very emotionally abusive patterns from childhood. Spilling details subjects him to being very vulnerable, a new and scary position to face. Is he willing to relearn ways of communicating? He probably doesn't know how, despite his intelligence. It's as hard as expecting someone, who grew up with parents who broke dishes or smashed walls when they were angry, to sit down and calmly express frustrations. You almost have to come from a very dysfunctional family to relate. That's why counseling often doesn't work, unless the therapist has been there too.

by Charliereply 2010/08/2012

[quote]That's why counseling often doesn't work, unless the therapist has been there too.

What? The therapist would have to have been abused in order to treat the abused??

by Charliereply 2110/08/2012

OP,

I think I deserve a below-average looking guy with average intelligence who treats me like gold and kisses the ground I walk on and doesnt have an arrogant bone in his body, just sweet as pie. Unfortunately this type bores me to tears, so I'm alone.

I'm not attracted to what I think I deserve.

Others are incredibly attracted to what they think they deserve.

by Charliereply 2210/08/2012

There is a proven, direct correlation between "love" and Nielsen ratings

by Charliereply 2310/08/2012

I think I deserve a DILF sugardaddy.

by Charliereply 2410/10/2012

R21, Does a therapist have to be a drug addict to treat a drug addict? Not always. Sometimes though someone "who's been there" and "fought their way through it" would be the better choice to listen to for advice. It's like government welfare workers who've never truly been poor or sick, and asked the most insulting questions of the victims of Katrina.

by Charliereply 2510/10/2012
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