Distancing Yourself From Your Parents
Long story short, I haven't spoken to my father in years. He's an asshole and the disconnect is pretty mutual.
Over the last couple of years, I've started to distance myself from my mother. I just have too much anger built up over various things and have no desire to talk to her. I told her what some of my issues were with her and stopped talking to her a few months ago. She continues to send me blathering emails about how it's her right as a mother to talk to me, regardless of how I feel about it. Since I won't talk to her, she tries to get others to spy on me and tell her what I'm doing, it's really sickening to me.
I really don't know what to do at this point because I have asked her for distance several times and she won't stop contacting me or trying to pry info about me from others behind my back. I think I have a right, too, if I don't want to communicate and just want time for myself. I'm not banning her from my life forever, but currently, I have no desire to talk to her and wish to do so when I am ready.
Is that too much to fucking ask? I continue to ignore her emails and texts, but I have no idea what to do in order to get her to stop or if I'm just a horrible person for acting like this.
|by Only Child||reply 49||10/06/2012|
Similar here. I could barely tolerate my mother, but not my homophobe father, who tells everyone I'm "a loser". But it's a package deal, so I've decided to no longer visit them. I don't even miss them.
She keeps asking me when I'm going to come see them, and I lie and say I work on weekends, etc. But secretly I think, "funeral?" (hers, not his).
|by Only Child||reply 2||10/06/2012|
Perhaps you should look into Twitter, OP. Maybe people there will give a shit.
|by Only Child||reply 3||10/06/2012|
OP, it sounds like you've asked her to respect your boundaries and she refuses. Ask yourself if she was gone tomorrow would you have any regrets and if not you're probably doing the right thing. We should respect our parents but not at the cost of respecting ourselves
|by Only Child||reply 4||10/06/2012|
Wow, you white people really know how to have problems, huh?
|by Only Child||reply 5||10/06/2012|
OP, the reason r1 says you sound like a spoiled brat is that it sounds like you're trying to control your mother rather than to stop contact with her.
If you really want to break off contact with her, do not open her emails to you. Trash them as soon as you get them. Unless you get some sort of court order, you cannot stop her from sending them to you (though you could probably arrange for the filters on your email not to let her email get through to you). You also cannot get her not to ask other people about you if you're breaking off contact with you--that's a ridiculous and unenforceable demand. If she asks about you, then she asks about you; just tell your friends and your other family members you prefer not to hear about her asking about you.
Breaking off contact with someone else is not just giving someone the silent treatment and insisting they behave the way you want them to behave while you don't speak to them: that's a childish and ludicrous wish. Breaking off contact with someone is breaking off contact with them.
|by Only Child||reply 6||10/06/2012|
Be glad your mother still cares about you. Some not so lucky.
|by Only Child||reply 7||10/06/2012|
Shove it right up your ass, r7. Some people don;t like their mothers. Just because you miss yours does not mean everyone everywhere has to take shit from their mothers if their mothers are horrible people.
|by Only Child||reply 8||10/06/2012|
And p.s.--I am myself very close with my mother and cherish her dearly. But that does NOT mean everyone else is close to his mother or has to be. I've known guys whose moms are monsters.
|by Only Child||reply 9||10/06/2012|
[quote] I'm not banning her from my life forever, but currently, I have no desire to talk to her and [bold]wish to do so when I am ready.[/bold]
OP, I don't know how old your mother is, but there may not be time for you to put her on hold while you figure out when or if you will ever speak to her. Frankly, either cut her off completely or stay in touch. This "when I'm ready" bullshit is just power play.
|by Only Child||reply 10||10/06/2012|
R6, I blocked her on Facebook a couple of years ago. I only recently found out that she was having a mutual friend copy/paste everything I posted, including pictures, and sending them to her. She would then tell my grandmother she knew everything I was doing and when she asked how she knew, she replied, "Oh, I have my ways". I've since deleted the mutual friend. I don't care if she asks my grandmother (who I talk to regularly) how I'm doing if she really wants to know, but it's sneaky shit like that which I cannot tolerate.
I don't reply to any of her emails, so I'm not giving her any fuel for the fire. She constantly pesters my grandmother, asking her when I'm going to talk to her again and bolsters that "I'm your mother, so you HAVE to talk to me" shit. My grandmother admits what awful parents I had, so she understands why I want to disconnect, but wishes I wouldn't.
|by Only Child||reply 11||10/06/2012|
R10, She just turned 50 this year. When I say "When I'm ready", I mean when I am ready to talk to her again and can have a civil conversation with her. For the last couple of years, I forced myself to talk to her and the conversation quickly dwindled down to one word responses from me because she angered me so much. I know that right now, I cannot talk to her and simply do not want a relationship. It has nothing to do with power.
Do I hate her like I hate my father? No. Will I eventually want to talk with her again whenever I can get over this? Probably.
Have you ever just wanted to take a break from someone R10?
|by Only Child||reply 12||10/06/2012|
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|by Only Child||reply 13||10/06/2012|
I'd love to speak to my mother right now. She died in April.
|by Only Child||reply 14||10/06/2012|
The OP will be "shocked" when they get no inheritance.
|by Only Child||reply 15||10/06/2012|
That's right OP. R13 paid his $18 to post about his ongoing mussy yeast infection and his want to get topped by Justin Bieber.
Stick to DL worthy posts, please.
|by Only Child||reply 16||10/06/2012|
[quote]Have you ever just wanted to take a break from someone R10?
I'm sure your mother felt like taking a break from you numerous times while you were growing up. I'm guessing she never did.
|by Only Child||reply 17||10/06/2012|
Again, the problem here isn't your relationship with your parents, it's your attempt to make your mother do what you want.
You can't make your mother behave the way you want her to, get that through your head right now! She's an adult and you have no power over her, she'll do what she wants to do.
|by Only Child||reply 20||10/06/2012|
OP wants a break. I get it but someone else has said it - you cannot control her behavior. No matter how bad a mother she is, from her perspective she is your mom and she has her feelings so don't be shocked or annoyed that she acts on those feelings.
If your mom is only 50 then you are young and may not have the tools to handle toxic parents. Yes, you have the right to take a "break" from your mom since she seems hazardous to your mental health. However, she may be alive for another 30 to 40 years and you need to find some way to deal with this without it destroying you or obsessing you. Therapy and all that can help but the main avenue for you is to find a life for yourself that gives you meaning and love and that will go a long way to enabling you to tolerate flaws in others.
It was a wonderful day when I realized that I could handle a parent with patience and even a form of love without their behavior toward me, especially their words, matter or upset me. I just became bemused by them and their behavior and didn't really give two shits.
Good luck, OP. Life does get better as you get older and you realize that there's not that much getting all bent out of shape over - including parents.
|by Only Child||reply 21||10/06/2012|
OP sounds like a miserable old fuck.
|by Only Child||reply 23||10/06/2012|
So stop communicating. Stop opening the e-mails. Tell your "friends" to stop spying on you for your mother and, if they don't, stop communicating with them. It's called chewing your lettuce only once or taking your self seriously.
|by Only Child||reply 24||10/06/2012|
OP, Please 100% ignore the mean, selfish comments on this thread. It takes someone who comes from a dysfunctional family with negative parents to relate. That's why counseling won't work, unless the therapist has personally dealt with something very similar. When I wanted to visit my sister, nicknamed "Black Sheep #1," who had just left home, I, "Black Sheep #2," was interrogated to the Nth degree by my "well-meaning" mother. The best thing you can do for your own sanity is to "mentally divorce" your emotionally and verbally abusive family. Tell your mother that you need to get healthy, because you are going through a great deal. Say you need to be completely alone for awhile. Do not give any details; she will just blame you for "your problems" anyway. Of course she will continue to spy on you however she can; try to ignore it.
|by Only Child||reply 25||10/06/2012|
OP, i too have a monster mother, she is no longer in my life, she spied on me too. It's much better for me this way.
I have a lot of anger towards her for all her nasty deeds (too long to go into) and for years that anger harmed my soul and mental well-being. I don't ever want to see her again. I am working on forgiving her but it's so hard to do...
Good luck to you
|by Only Child||reply 26||10/06/2012|
What is it with fags hating their parents?
Not all of us had horrible childhoods, OP. Why come to this board and expect to find solidarity in your hate?
|by Only Child||reply 27||10/06/2012|
R27, Not only "fags" have had abusive parents. Can't you have some understanding for OP and others who didn't have emotionally healthy parents?
|by Only Child||reply 28||10/06/2012|
[quote][R6], I blocked her on Facebook a couple of years ago. I only recently found out that she was having a mutual friend copy/paste everything I posted, including pictures, and sending them to her. She would then tell my grandmother she knew everything I was doing and when she asked how she knew, she replied, "Oh, I have my ways".
Why do you care? You've cut contact with her entirely, supposedly. If she spies on you, you won't even hear about it if you really have cut off contact with her. Ask your grandmother not to talk to you about it.
|by Only Child||reply 29||10/06/2012|
OK, OP, here's the "bottom line": does your mother have money? If so, and if you definitely know she's leaving it to you, you might want to re-think what your are doing, maybe telling her that you might "find time" once a month or so to have lunch with her and keep the conversation light and cheerful if you can (and if you're a good actor). If she doesn't have money then fuck her and get rid of all the people who spy on you for her, move somewhere else and don't tell her or them where. If she wins the lottery though you might have a "sticky wicket" if you've dropped off the face of the earth as far as she's concerned, but then again maybe you don't care about the money. As far as daddy is concerned, if he's still kinda cute go up to him sometime, give him a good smack on the ass and say, "how's it going daddy-O?".
|by Only Child||reply 30||10/06/2012|
Is she really that toxic because if she is, get a therapist and work it out.
If she actually isn't that toxic it looks like she's trying to keep a connection, however feebly.
No matter what approach you choose in my view you've got to work it out until you feel you've solved the problem, not just kept it at bay. It's always there, otherwise.
|by Only Child||reply 31||10/06/2012|
My Mom is dead. I wish I could still talk to her once in a while. My sister was the same way as the OP, exaggerating and inventing past abuses. It's appealing to certain self centered adults to act as if their routine, flawed childhood was some type of abusive nightmare. My sister had nothing to do with my Mom in the later years of her life and trashed her to people she knew in her adult life. I guarantee you OP has the same type of "Mommy never loved me" grievances. Grow the fuck up and at least attempt an adult relationship with your Mom, bitch.
|by Only Child||reply 32||10/06/2012|
If you hate your mother so much, why don't you use an autoresponder for your email so that every time she emails you she will get an answer from you saying that you wish to never talk to her or see her again and that you wish both your father and mother would be already dead and that you will never truly be happy until they are both dead.
Trust me, every time she emails you and gets your auto response, she will stop. Also tell your friends and your grandma that if she asks about you again, you tell them to tell her that you wish she dies and soon!
|by Only Child||reply 33||10/06/2012|
Good for you OP. Some people waste their entire lives attempting to maintain a relationship with their toxic parents. Don't listen to these assholes that see fit to tear you to shreds. They're just a product of shitty parents, too, except they can't admit that their parents never really loved them. So they make excuses for their behavior. Or they lash out at others who are strong enough to walk away. You already sacrificed your childhood, you don't owe your parents one more minute.
|by Only Child||reply 34||10/06/2012|
Anger kills the person that is angry not the one with whom you are angry.
Focus on figuring out why you are angry. This dance you are doing with your mother is a distraction. Focus on what is causing the anger... figure out what the causes your anger.
Is it a Velvet Rage?
|by Only Child||reply 35||10/06/2012|
Now we know where OP got her toxicity from.
|by Only Child||reply 37||10/06/2012|
My mother is a raging 70something alcoholic - I limit the amount of time I spend with her. It's so depressing to go up to her unkempt house and listen to her rant and rave about how my drug addict brother mistreats her (yet she doesn't throw him out because, in her words, "she's my child"). I got her a social worker to help her handle her issues, but she seldom calls her except to get her meals on wheels. She doesn't listen to anyone, she just wants everyone to sit around and listen to her feel sorry for herself. I'm done. I visit on holidays and that is that.
|by Only Child||reply 38||10/06/2012|
Why are white people always so distant from their parents?
|by Only Child||reply 39||10/06/2012|
Don't assume that everyone is white R39. Makes you sound dumb.
|by Only Child||reply 40||10/06/2012|
It's really easy, OP. Just stop contact. I have not spoken a word to either of my parents in 16 years and don't regret a minute of it. When my father sent word that I would be cut out of the will, I sent word that his being dead would be all the gift I needed.
|by Only Child||reply 42||10/06/2012|
OP, I've spoken to my mother 3 times this year. Each time, she initiated it; otherwise, I've pretty much broken off contact. She said some pretty nasty things when I came out to her and it just showed me what kind of person she truly is. Block your mom's e-mail address and if you know someone who keeps in close contact with her, be wary of what you share. She's being a manipulative bitch and you can't let her get away with it.
|by Only Child||reply 43||10/06/2012|
PS: Fuck you jerks who always use these types of threads to chastise the OP....especially those of you who say shit like, "I wish I could talk to my mom again...she died in April."
Fact of fucking life: Not everyone was blessed with great parents! Just because you have a parent you love and respect doesn't mean everyone has parents that are worthy of love and respect as well. Quit trying to apply your experiences to others. It's not fair and it's total bullshit.
|by Only Child||reply 44||10/06/2012|
I wish I could talk to my mom again. Some bitch cut off her head.
|by Only Child||reply 45||10/06/2012|
R44, you're very naive if you think that all kids who cut their parents off are justified. Some of them are just selfish, disrespectful assholes who blame everything on their parents instead of growing up.
|by Only Child||reply 46||10/06/2012|
R46, That can be true...but hard to discern. I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt, because no one exists in a vacuum. Neither party in a dysfunctional relationship is completely "right" or "wrong". I will say that even outwardly nice parents, who are convinced they have good intentions, can REALLY mindfuck you. In the worst way. It's a very subtle process, but it is no better than any other type of emotional/psychological/verbal abuse. I'll iterate that it's probably something no one can understand until it's happened directly to them.
|by Only Child||reply 47||10/06/2012|
My parents never relly showed any interest in me. Just couldn't be botherd. Never visited the places I've lived. No interest in my BF. Even had brain surgery ...people at work were more concerned.
|by Only Child||reply 48||10/06/2012|
My father has been the worst person to me but my mother is the best not too happy about me being gay but she still loves me. Naturally I'm bi-polar...
|by Only Child||reply 49||10/06/2012|