Dealing with a liar you can't call out
I am sure everyone has to deal with this at one point or another. But, this has gotten me really down ...
I have a person in my life, that I can get rid of, who lies to me all the time. I mean ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
I can't call them out either because it will cause enormous conflict and makes things worse.
How do you deal with this -- I have tried 1) minimizing contact; 2) not responding to messages or emails that don't require a response; and the tried and true responses of "I understand," "I see," and "There's a lot there in what you said"
Anything else that works? Looking for responses to get through the conversation without accepting the lie (I already tried this - it makes matters worse, becoming an admission on my part).
I have already stopped asking questions so I won't have to be told any lies.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||10/13/2012|
Why are you all looking at me like that?
|by Anonymous||reply 2||10/05/2012|
OP, what's so difficult about not responding to emails, texts, or phone calls? He'll get the message.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||10/05/2012|
I want to hear more about why you can't call this person on his or her lies. I have a hard time believing there is such a relationship.
|by Anonymous||reply 4||10/05/2012|
r4 - It's a work relationship with a person who is higher than me.
r3 - I am already not responding to anything that does not require a response.
Some of the lies are relatively harmless - but annoying nevertheless. But, some of them are destructive and poisonous.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||10/05/2012|
Just try to get by and know that one day this will all blow up for this person.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||10/06/2012|
Keep up his paper trail. Take notes of wrong things he says and the proof on paper you can offer to prove he's lying.
Or change jobs.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||10/06/2012|
Guys who lie have little willies.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||10/06/2012|
Every time he lies blow your lips out a little and roll your eyes.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||10/06/2012|
I refuse to invest until you tell me what kind of lies he tells.
Aspirational "I fucked Mr. Tatum AND Carol Channing, too" lies?
False promise "If you perform task A,B, and C I will give you a promotion" lies?
Credit "I invented the name 'Pepperjack Poppers' on our menu!" lies?
You'll have to use your words.
|by Anonymous||reply 10||10/06/2012|
The self righteous truth queens just kill me.
What real difference does this idiots lies make unless they prevent you from doing your job sufficiently to get you fired.
Destructive and poisonous to your elect sensibilities, cream puff?
Either go higher up the totem pole because the lies are sufficient for the more senior people to take action, or get off your truth high horse.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||10/06/2012|
He just lies ALL THE TIME. Some lies are about my work - for example, he'll ask my opinion about something and I say X. He then cycles through reasons from this - obviously not true, it could be because A, or B, or C - finally I say yes maybe it could be C.
But I hate the way he cycles through explanations until he finds something - like he's trying to manipulate.
Other times, he takes perfectly good work and finds fault with it-even in meetings where others have, until this, been positive. He gives bogus reasons for making decisions the negatively affect me.
Just lies constantly.
I am not a truth queen - I just want to know - other than the ones above - what other things I could say during the lying speeches.
|by Anonymous||reply 12||10/06/2012|
Actually, on second thought, I think I have most of the common answer.
I am not a liar by nature, so I have a hard time with this.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||10/06/2012|
I'm having a hard time following OP too. Even when he tries to explain with details. OP, is English your first language? Maybe he's not so much a liar as the two of you are just not communicating. If this thread is any indication, you don't express yourself very well.
BTW, nitpicking and finding fault with your work, questioning your logic---those are not lies. He sounds like a douche for sure, but where are the lies?
|by Anonymous||reply 14||10/06/2012|
It doesn't sound like lying, OP.
I thought that you meant things like telling his wife that he is in Seattle, when he is actually in Denver with his secretary.
Or claiming the full price for the new computers, when he got a bulk discount.
Or claiming that his other car is a black Dodge, when it's a 1981 Datson with mis-matching doors.
Or telling people that the female boss is a lesbian, when she actually has a male partner.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||10/06/2012|
OP, I am/was in this situation. The head of my office is a liar and has a huge ego on top of it. I actually got very angry at him several years ago over a matter that was professionally damaging to me. I was disciplined for something related to that, but the discipline only happened because I'd put myself in a position where he couldn't really harm me, which really pissed him off because he didn't have the control he wanted. He was also ultimately forced to promote me, which pissed him off, but I wasn't an obnoxious winner. I now pretend to be friendly around him and he leaves me alone.
My advice: work at getting over it. Avoid him as much as possible. Take other projects or assignments, if possible. Cultivate relationships with others who don't like him and are in a position to help you. Dealing with someone like this takes time, but if you work it right, you will ultimately be rid of him.
|by Anonymous||reply 16||10/06/2012|
Did it ever occur to you that he other people being positive we're lying to spare your feeling nd that your boss' so-called nitpicking was hs trying to gently tll you that your work is crap?
Damaging lies would include denying telling you to do something to escape blame, attributing falsehoods o other people, telling other people you were responsibl or a problem or error.
You are a self-righteous truth queen who believes when the world doesn't conform to your desires, a lie is being perpetrated.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||10/08/2012|
For a moment I thought the OP's post was about Mitt Romney.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||10/08/2012|
No one can lie about an opinion but if it is constant go over his head and say something if you have an open door policy( like me )which can prove meaningliness BUT shows them you will not go down without a fight...
Is this douche in his 20s? MOST have the ethics of pond scum...
|by Anonymous||reply 19||10/08/2012|
OP, I totally get it. I have walked miles in your shoes. The label 'lie' you used, is just a single piece of many about the whole person, you have described.
You're on the right tract, so that's very good for you! I applaud you.
You've "learned" most of this lesson that has been presented to you. At this stage of your life. I think you're now, bored, and have lost interest in even giving this sort of person/issue, any more of your attention, because your done. DONE. You know done? Like done with 2nd grade?
Now pay attention to me here: These 'work higher-up on the totem pole' people are everywhere!! And they are quite adept in maneuvering themselves up and up. For them to stay in the 'higher' position, it is VITAL for them to keep other ones in 'lower' positions! Anyone will do! They don't care who, just another bone to pick...with anyone..! There is nothing more that can be done to 'fix-it,' that you haven't done, by now. * Except the single most VIP thing, you've changed-YOU! It's time for you to MOVE ON in a new direction as in regards to your career. You are so over-ready for a change in the landscape & change of challenge. Sounds to me you want something more mentally, intellectually, emotionally, creatively stimulating than going round 'n round with that Bozo, forever. If you stay in this person's space, he/she will drive you nuts. SO, right there is where you need to start. The sort of 'work higher up' person you need to be working under and would greatly be of benefit to you is a "Mentor"-'higher up'. Your direct report.
I'll give you the next step. if you're interested to know. No drastic revelations, or magic ideas. It's all been done before, by many more than me you or me, so it's not rocket science. Pretty much anyone, who wants to figure it out, can, and make it happen w/o loosing a minutes sleep.
K? Sweetie. I'll ttu later. You're fine.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||10/08/2012|
Thanks everyone ... I think that this is just another power/bullying tactic this person uses. The lying is simply their way of saying whatever they want without having to be called out on it. It's a form of power - I think there's an Orwell quote to this effect, but I can't remember it.
I feel I have a handle on this - just ignore the lie, go along, lie back.
(I am pretty straightforward, what-you-see-is-what-you-get, and most of my friends are, too. I am not used person who acts this way.)
|by Anonymous||reply 21||10/08/2012|
How about not being a sniveling coward and standing up for yourself and the truth, dear?
Or is that just not your bag?
|by Anonymous||reply 22||10/08/2012|
OP I've dealt with similar. r21 is right, those types are everywhere. I used to have a boss that would lie about things he knew, like he'd say "You know The Supremes are the number one selling girl group of all time." while making small talk in an office meeting. Then I would politely try to correct him by saying "Oh, I thought that title belonged to TLC." He'd lose his shit and go into a tizzy insisting that no other female group had out sold The Supremes.
He'd do this with other topics as well and eventually I just learned to ignore him. Didn't help that he was a complete narcissist, as these types usually are.
I got over it by turning it into an office game. We'd have a little jar full of one dollar bills in the office, every time someone caught the guy bullshitting they'd drop a dollar in the jar. When we hit $50 I'd go out and pick up Starbucks for everyone. We couldn't really stop him from bullshitting, but at least everyone else in the office found a way to enjoy it.
|by Anonymous||reply 23||10/08/2012|
r22 - valid point. I have tried, it has only made matters much, much worse.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||10/08/2012|
OP[R24][R21] Doesn't matter if he's a liar and power monger part-time, full-time or all the time. Doesn't matter you calling him out, in, or just right. Doesn't matter how much or little contact you make. Doesn't matter whether or not you accept anything that comes out of his mouth. Doesn't matter how worse or better matters get. Your responses, conversations and questions don't matter, either. Nothing about the jackass matters at ALL. Pardon me, for saying so, but, it just doesn't seem anyone could ever get any handle on an ASS that size? Of course, you're not used to dealing with a NutJob like him, neither are the rest of normal people. Ignoring him, certainly couldn't hurt, and don't bother exerting yourself by going along or lying back to him. Way too much waste of energy. For now, here's a few simple ways to address him: "hmm", "ahh,ha", "I didn't know that?", "I'm surprised", "I'm not surprised", "gee". You are never to be disrespectful to him, ever. For now, he's a little higher up on the totem-pay-pole. Who knows? He may be of some professional merit, you haven't noticed, yet.
So, here's my answer: 1) You need to use him for practice! He's the perfect object for you to practice Hurdling on. Until either one of you is ready to move on, just keep hurdling - Up and Over. Your choice, how much or little time you want to spend laughing, thinking, moaning & groaning, or being miserable while doing the practice? I promise you, it won't last forever. Guaranteed. When you are proficient enough in hurdling this ass-wipe, he will no longer matter to you, one iota. He will be n-o-t-h-i-n-g. Invisible.
Now get going, and quit the bellyaching, flush-it already!
|by Anonymous||reply 25||10/13/2012|