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Great Lines From TV

We've done this a million times before, but there are millions of more threads on DL than there are things to talk about.

I just cut the dickens out of my finger!

Do you pop out at parties?

My daughter, Bess, wants to marry a boy named Bill whose parents are midgets. ("Shes going to have a tough time finding someone like that.")

Thank you, Rhatt. I saw it in the window and had to have it.

by Anonymousreply 16411/11/2012

"Say, your name ain't Kinsey, is it?"

by Anonymousreply 109/28/2012

Mary, do you know what happens to Veal Prince Orloff if you leave him in the oven too long? He DIES, Mary!

by Anonymousreply 209/28/2012

As God is my witness, I swear I thought turkeys could fly!

by Anonymousreply 309/28/2012

"Hey, SLUT! I'm writing your mother a letter telling her you're a WHORE!"

by Anonymousreply 409/28/2012

"A little song. A little dance. A little seltzer down your pants!"

by Anonymousreply 509/28/2012

A can of MM-MM ... in heavy syrup ...

by Anonymousreply 609/28/2012

"Rex cries when he ejaculates."

by Anonymousreply 709/28/2012

"Fuck you, you car-wash cunt!"

by Anonymousreply 809/28/2012

"I'm going to pull apart time for you." -- Amy to Rory, "Doctor Who"

by Anonymousreply 909/28/2012

"...and then came the Mongoloid!"

by Anonymousreply 1009/28/2012

"Which one of you bitches is my mother?"

by Anonymousreply 1109/28/2012

I'll have you EJECTED into SPACE!!!

by Anonymousreply 1209/28/2012


by Anonymousreply 1309/28/2012

"Don't call her 'Mom.' You may call her 'Bev,' or 'Sea Hag.' "

by Anonymousreply 1409/28/2012

Being gay is WRONG.

by Anonymousreply 1509/28/2012

"No, I just implied that she was a little hippy... though she has got the biggest potamus I've ever seen."

by Anonymousreply 1609/28/2012

Lucy, I'm Home.....

by Anonymousreply 1709/28/2012

"I condole you."

"Quite big tits."

"You mean the night you shook me awake and said: By the way Sweetie, people have it off!"

"Brick and Brack and Knick and Knack and THINGS!"

"Bloody asthmatic cab driver."

by Anonymousreply 1809/28/2012


Sue Ellen: Tell me J.R. which slut are you going to be sleeping with tonight?

J.R.: Why should it matter. Anyone would be better than the slut I'm looking at right now.

by Anonymousreply 1909/28/2012

She's fine! She sends her love.

by Anonymousreply 2009/28/2012

"I also remember, every time I see that ghostly eye, that I was - and continue to be - a hell of a shot."

"Constance: Now, likely I won't have the upper body strength to saw you in half the way you did my poor Travis, but I certainly could cut off the smaller parts!"

[hands Moira a piece of the Harmons' silverware] "Do me a favor and polish this up before I take it, won't you? It's cruddy with corrosion, and do you know why? Because you *are* a shitty maid."

by Anonymousreply 2109/28/2012

"I pushed you in pudding."

"Just me and my ganja."

by Anonymousreply 2209/28/2012

"You started it!" "I did not. You invaded Poland!"

by Anonymousreply 2309/28/2012

Blanche (entering the kitchen): "I'm a cheap tawdry slut."

Rose (not having seen Blanche enter the room): "I think I know. Is it Blanche?"

by Anonymousreply 2409/28/2012

"How do you like that Mr. "Would be speaking German if not for us'!"

by Anonymousreply 2509/28/2012

Have you seen Kitty Carryall?

by Anonymousreply 2609/28/2012

blow it out your Tubenburbles!

by Anonymousreply 2809/28/2012

Why you dirty little country western singing star!

by Anonymousreply 2909/28/2012

Blackman....Blackman...where did you come from?

by Anonymousreply 3009/28/2012

"This gefilte fish is from a jar! I hate that!"-Ladonna,at Buffy's bat mitzvah, SQUARE PEGS

by Anonymousreply 3109/28/2012

Getting drunk and passing out? On St. Patrick's Day? Is nothing sacred?

by Anonymousreply 3209/28/2012

Al trying to explain why he carries the child's picture that came with the wallet

Al: I had a choice between a little boy and a little girl and I chose a little girl. She's symbolic.

Kelly: She's Chinese!

Al: That's what I was hoping you'd be.

by Anonymousreply 3309/28/2012

The quickest way to get a woman into your bed is through her parents. Have sex with them, and you're in.

by Anonymousreply 3409/28/2012


by Anonymousreply 3509/28/2012

"My vagina is on fire. I'm trying not to scratch it, Orlando... I'm afraid it'll get infected."

by Anonymousreply 3609/28/2012

Brad: "You know, looking at someones search history isn’t always a reliable indicator of their web habits. I mean, small typo in the word canal and you’re in a whole different family of sites."

Jen: "I know, the same thing happened to me when I searched for a pair of black Crocs."

by Anonymousreply 3709/28/2012

Oh my God! She's fashion roadkill!

by Anonymousreply 3809/28/2012

"Hello, I'm Rhoda Morgenstern. I'm another person in the room."

by Anonymousreply 3909/28/2012

Ethel to Tillie, Ethel to Tillie....come in Tillie.....

by Anonymousreply 4009/28/2012

"OH, SHHHHH... -urely a strawberry swirl isn't supposed to look like that!"

by Anonymousreply 4109/28/2012

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly".

by Anonymousreply 4209/28/2012

MOTHER STEVENS: "Tell me, don't you think Endora is a trifle too old to be wearing so much makeup?"

SERENA: "She'll only admit to three hundred!"

MOTHER STEVENS: "I suppose I deserved that."

by Anonymousreply 4309/28/2012

r42, meet r3.

by Anonymousreply 4409/28/2012

"What do you mean, I don't ever do anything for you? You made me go to that Olivia Newton-John concert... and girl, I HATE that chick!"

--LaDonna to Jennifer DiNuccio

by Anonymousreply 4509/28/2012

So how many cameras were on you?

Just about any line from Karen Walker.

by Anonymousreply 4609/28/2012

Michael: Get rid of the Seaward.

Lucille: [stunned] I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

-- "Arrested Development"

by Anonymousreply 4709/28/2012


by Anonymousreply 4809/28/2012

Lucille: Look what the homosexuals have done to me!

Michael Bluth: You can't just comb that out and reset it?

by Anonymousreply 4909/28/2012


by Anonymousreply 5009/28/2012

Kenneth: "I feel as useless as a mom's college degree."

by Anonymousreply 5109/28/2012

Greeks are just Jews without money.

by Anonymousreply 5209/28/2012

"Oh it's a tiara..a tiara...I have a tiara..put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me..."

"You look beautiful."

"Of course I do, I'm a princess and this is my tiara!"

by Anonymousreply 5309/28/2012

"Karen Walker? Pamela Hayden Smythe. Prudence and Taylor's mother."

"I don't know what any of those words mean."

by Anonymousreply 5409/28/2012


Fred: I'm callin' [italic]you[/italic] ugly. I could stick your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies!

by Anonymousreply 5509/28/2012

Oh, I don't drive. I keep taking the test over and over again, but I'm all, [italic]This is hard![/italic]

by Anonymousreply 5609/28/2012

Who is Jerri Blank?

I never realized there was an actual Veal Prince Orloff.

by Anonymousreply 5709/28/2012

Well, well, well, Karen Walker ... I [italic]thought[/italic] I smelled gin and regret.

by Anonymousreply 5809/28/2012

What is this Week End???

by Anonymousreply 5909/28/2012

Billy: How do you know you're good in bed?

Fish: Because I'm always satisfied.

by Anonymousreply 6009/28/2012

Well, I do declare, your sweet words could charm the morning dew of a honeysuckle...

by Anonymousreply 6109/28/2012

I've got Indian underwear. It's creeping up my trail

by Anonymousreply 6209/28/2012

Hi, I'm Larry and this is my brother Darryl. And this us my other brother Darryl.

by Anonymousreply 6309/28/2012

I was lying in bed last night and I couldn't sleep, and I came up with an idea. So I went right home and wrote it down!

by Anonymousreply 6409/28/2012

I don't know why I should even bother to eat this. I should just apply it directly to my hips.

by Anonymousreply 6509/28/2012

You dragged me down to this God-forsaken place to tell me my kids made the Honor Roll? Honey, my time is precious, call me when one of them gives birth at the prom!

by Anonymousreply 6609/28/2012

No one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutchpurse on Tony night. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And ya landed on a gay guy... and ya did 'im. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space.

by Anonymousreply 6709/28/2012

What show is that R67? That's pretty funny.

by Anonymousreply 6809/28/2012

"We came as soon as we felt like it."

-Jerri Blank's stepmother, summoned to Principal Blackman's office

by Anonymousreply 6909/28/2012

r67's quote is Karen to Jack on Will & Grace.

by Anonymousreply 7009/28/2012

"Good Times: The Gang: Part 1 (#2.9)" (1974)

[italic]Mad Dog: What's your name, sweet thing? Thelma: My name is Thelma.

Mad Dog: THELMA? Where did you get a name like that from?

Thelma: When I was born my mother took one look at me and called me Thelma. Just like when you were born your mother took one look at you and called you MAD DOG! [/italic]

I guess you would have to watch it, but it still cracks me up.

by Anonymousreply 7109/28/2012

Which lever do I pull to be crushed by a safe?

by Anonymousreply 7209/28/2012

Karen Walker to stranger in an Outlet Store:

"Honey, can you get me a latte?"

"I don't work here."

"That's not what I asked you."

by Anonymousreply 7309/28/2012

Willow, nice dress. Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.

by Anonymousreply 7409/28/2012

"It's not marching you're dancing, not invading Poland."

by Anonymousreply 7509/28/2012

Because, Mary Jo, I love knowledge. As a matter of fact, I yearn for it.

by Anonymousreply 7609/28/2012

No Mare, cottage cheese solves nothing; chocolate can do it all!

by Anonymousreply 7709/28/2012

Not a Great Line From TV, but this thread made me realize I wish I had friends like Rhoda Morgenstern & Karen Walker. Even Jerri Blank & Edina Monsoon would be a hoot to hang out with sometimes!

by Anonymousreply 7809/28/2012

"Close your legs to married men, HOOKER."

"My love tank is empty."


"Satchels of gold."

"Big hands, big feet, big disappointment."

by Anonymousreply 7909/29/2012

"Oh no Maria, you are muy attractivousmante."

by Anonymousreply 8009/29/2012

I'd like to say a few things about my niece Phyllis. First of all, she covers all her furniture in plastic. And she won't let you use the soap or towels in her bathroom—there's just a big old bar of Ivory under the sink, and you have to wipe your hands on your pants. And every time we go to McDonald's, she wants to know what the fish is like, and I always have to say, "It's [italic]square fish,[/italic] Phyllis, okay?"

by Anonymousreply 8209/29/2012

"Health and beauty is my department!" ENLIGHTENED

by Anonymousreply 8309/29/2012

Sue Ellen: That's not the way I see it.

JR: that's because you're looking at the world through the bottom of a glass.

by Anonymousreply 8409/29/2012

"Can I just say... You can never have too many hats, gloves, and shoes... Cheers, thanks a lot."

by Anonymousreply 8509/29/2012


Alexis: Krystal, I want you out of here at once and take your plastic suitcases with you!

by Anonymousreply 8609/29/2012

Oy with the poodles!

by Anonymousreply 8709/29/2012

"You're a slut! You're a rotten sow of a pig-bellied slut!"

by Anonymousreply 8809/29/2012

"They cut out the money shots, but you can still see plenty of pink"

by Anonymousreply 8909/29/2012

"Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

by Anonymousreply 9009/29/2012

(Paraphrasing--at the Ewing family cocktail hour:)

SUE ELLEN: "Well Lucy, I hear another of your relationships has fallen apart yet again."

LUCY: "We can't all have your great taste in men, Sue Ellen."

by Anonymousreply 9109/29/2012

"Marilee, if you don't hurry, someone else is gonna get your street corner."

by Anonymousreply 9209/29/2012

Krystle: (to Alexis, in her office) "I love your desk. The tusks, they're so you."

by Anonymousreply 9309/29/2012

Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.

Sophia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?

by Anonymousreply 9409/29/2012

[quote]"Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

OMG! I almost spit out my coffee! Did she ever really say that?

by Anonymousreply 9509/29/2012

The homosexuals are always so dramatic and flamboyant. It makes me want to set myself on fire.

by Anonymousreply 9609/29/2012

This is not war, this is pest control!

Are you my mummy?

And when you go back to the stars and tell others of this planet, when you tell them of its riches, its people, its potential, when you talk of the Earth, then make sure that you tell them is defended!

by Anonymousreply 9709/29/2012

Mihn, it finally happened. Hillbilly neighbor marry trailer trash cousin. You owe me five dollars!

by Anonymousreply 9809/29/2012

Don't you know that models are some of the happiest people ON EARTH?!?

by Anonymousreply 9909/29/2012

What the FUCK are you doing?

by Anonymousreply 10009/29/2012

Good lord, I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't someone just pee directly on me?!

by Anonymousreply 10109/29/2012

CHANDLER I'm glad we're going to be having all the sex.

PHEBE Good, I'm very bendy.

by Anonymousreply 10209/29/2012

Honey, she's wearing synthetic plaid. She's a four day ride and a boat trip from a place called hope.

by Anonymousreply 10309/29/2012

That terminator stuff doesn't work on them, Julia. You gotta fight sugar WITH sugar!

by Anonymousreply 10409/29/2012


by Anonymousreply 10509/29/2012

Mr. Carlson: Who was that?

Jennifer: Dat was da laundryman.

by Anonymousreply 10609/29/2012

Joe Walsh to Drew Carey on the Drew Carey show, talking about Mimi:

Thank God! I though I was the only one that could see her!

by Anonymousreply 10709/29/2012

Phyllis: Lars only married me because he couldn't get her. I was his second choice—his consolation prize. He wanted Miss America; he had to settle for Miss Runner-Up. He wanted filet mignon; he had to settle for ...

Audrey: Hamburger Helper?

by Anonymousreply 10809/29/2012

Future Amy: All those boys chasing me, but it was only ever Rory. Why was that?

Amy: You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.

Both: Rory's the most beautiful man I've ever met.

Amy: Please. Do it for him.

Future Amy: Ah, you. You're asking me to defy destiny, causality, the nexus of time itself, for a boy.

Amy: You're Amy. He's Rory. And oh yes, I am.

by Anonymousreply 10909/29/2012

Krystle (to Alexis at the airport): Alexis, I hope you have a nice flight. Are you taking a plane?

by Anonymousreply 11009/29/2012

Oh, really? Well, [italic]I[/italic] don't appreciate you leavin' your big ol' box'a June Allyson Bladder Pads on [italic]my[/italic] nightstand for all the maids and bellboys to see! No wonder you don't care if you ever get out of here; you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom!

by Anonymousreply 11109/29/2012

Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!!

by Anonymousreply 11209/29/2012

Ted took me to a fancy restaurant. I was so nervous I almost dropped my tray.

by Anonymousreply 11309/29/2012

Mother Jefferson George's father never had an upset stomach in all the years we were married.

Louise No, all you gave him was a pain in the neck and you're giving me a pain somewhere else.

by Anonymousreply 11409/29/2012

"It's a long story...and I come off badly in it."

by Anonymousreply 11509/29/2012

BLANCHE: You know what I hate doin' most at the end of a party?

ROSE: Trying to find your underwear in the bottom of the big pile?

by Anonymousreply 11609/29/2012

"Amy's right. I [bold]do[/bold] want to fling my poop at her."

by Anonymousreply 11709/29/2012

Jill Bennett murdered herself....

by Anonymousreply 11809/30/2012

Leo: "And now we're back to Grace."

Will: "I don't think we ever left."

by Anonymousreply 11909/30/2012

Fran: Do we have any old nipples?

CC: Hello-hello!

by Anonymousreply 12009/30/2012


by Anonymousreply 12109/30/2012

Tom Arnold: "Are you a lesbian?"

Sue Simmons: "Yes."

by Anonymousreply 12209/30/2012

"Hello, sweetie."

by Anonymousreply 12309/30/2012

CC: Hey kids, you know what makes me feel better when I'm depressed?

Fran: A fifth of scotch & a fresh pack of batteries?

by Anonymousreply 12409/30/2012

Scotty - How did you get so cute?

Kevin - I was born this way, what's your excuse?!

by Anonymousreply 12509/30/2012

Would you like to follow me into my gracious drawing room?

by Anonymousreply 12609/30/2012

Hi, I'm Katy Grin! And these are carpets! Come down now to Carpet Madness. It's carpets! It's madness! At Carpet Madness! Just carpets! It's madness, madness now!!!

by Anonymousreply 12709/30/2012

Homeless Person (to Karen): Excuse me, you must get this all the time. Are you Mary Todd Lincoln?

Karen (without missing a beat): No. And you must get this all the time: Can you take a giant step back.

At Will's father's funeral:

Tina (the mistress): When someone dies, no one ever asks how the mistress is doing.

Karen: Tell me about it. Not one person came up to me at Reagan's funeral.

by Anonymousreply 12809/30/2012

Jack: How come Grace gets to go on her honeymoon in the Caribbean and I don't? It's not fair.

Karen: Trust me Poodle, you don't won't go. Two Jews on the beach? It's gonna be ten days of the searching for the highest SPF at the lowest price.

by Anonymousreply 12909/30/2012

Roseanne's mother sees the table has not been set for Thanksgiving dinner and asks her where the good china is - ROSEANNE: Over at your house unti lthe reading of the will.

by Anonymousreply 13009/30/2012

Kelly: I was raped!

Michael: You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all your problems to go away Kelly, not again. Don't keep doing that.

by Anonymousreply 13109/30/2012

Karen offers Grace some of her "party mix" made of uppers, downers, and candy corn.

"Here, honey, have some party mix. It'll make you feel better. Or worse. That's what I love about party mix: you never know!"

by Anonymousreply 13209/30/2012

I bet your mother had a loud bark.

by Anonymousreply 13309/30/2012

Mr. Sheffield- Miss Fine, what happened to the ancient document on my desk!

Fran- Chita Rivera's resume?

by Anonymousreply 13409/30/2012

I'm so sick of Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name!

by Anonymousreply 13509/30/2012

If these models get any younger they'll be chucking fetuses down the runway.

by Anonymousreply 13609/30/2012

"You still have your powers, and you always will. Whether you're 30, or 50, or a hundred. You will always be young and you will always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney for fuck's sake!"

by Anonymousreply 13709/30/2012

CC: This isn't a typical night.

Niles: Yes ... you're not home alone sitting on your foot massager and watching [italic]Sisters.[/italic]

by Anonymousreply 13809/30/2012

My people are Nordic.

by Anonymousreply 13909/30/2012

She was so anally retentive, she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.

by Anonymousreply 14009/30/2012

Funny line R140. What's is that from?

by Anonymousreply 14110/01/2012

"It looks like something Elton John would drive through The Everglades."

by Anonymousreply 14210/01/2012

Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.

by Anonymousreply 14310/01/2012

r143, reading that was almost as painful as watching it on the screen.

by Anonymousreply 14410/01/2012

Don Draper: Let me ask you something, what do woman want?

Roger Sterling: Who cares?

by Anonymousreply 14510/01/2012

"Don't encourage me. You'll only discourage me."

by Anonymousreply 14611/09/2012

I am NOT doing that again.

by Anonymousreply 14711/09/2012

Nobody loves me.

by Anonymousreply 14811/09/2012

Steven: She has a lot of nice qualities.

Fallon: So does a Cocker Spaniel, but I wouldn't want my father to marry one.

by Anonymousreply 14911/09/2012

I'll bet the neighbors are just lovin' this.

My dog knows you're gay.

Stan had to take his kids to Scarsdale to see their real mother. What was her name? Wait a minute it'll come to me... "Stan, take the kids to see that bitch... Cathy!" Cathy.

Ow, my nose!

Grace: Hmmm. Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay. Karen: How could she not know? What is she, headless?

Santa Maria, it has a mother!

Take it easy, Martin Score-sissy.

Listen, Maria. I've been on this shift since, what time is it now, uh--1947? My back aches, my feet hurt and the only thing holding up my boobs is hope. So you'll enjoy your beer.

by Anonymousreply 15011/09/2012

Barbara Rush to Morgan Fairchild on "Flamingo Road:" "Constance, if I could remember my lines, I would say them to you."

by Anonymousreply 15111/09/2012

"Health and beauty is my department" ENLIGHTENED

by Anonymousreply 15211/09/2012

"You can't even DIE right!"

by Anonymousreply 15311/10/2012

Niles your glockenspiel has just sprung to life!

by Anonymousreply 15411/10/2012

I'm Rhoda Morgenstern and this is my date Mr. and Mrs. Armand Linton."

Here we come on the run With a burger on a bun And a dab of coleslaw on the side, Oh your taste we will tickle With a great dill pickle And all of our potatoes are french fried, fried, fried, Our burgers can't be beat, 'Cause we grind our own meat, Grind, grind, grind, grind, grind

"Rachel, no, you were not supposed to put peas in the trifle. It did not taste good."

by Anonymousreply 15511/10/2012

And, Phoebe, I believe Jacques Cousteau is dead!

by Anonymousreply 15611/10/2012

Stale pastry is hollow succor, to a man bereft of ostrich.

by Anonymousreply 15711/10/2012

Carrie: He's a food critic and very intelligent.

Candace Bergen's character: He's a HOBBIT.

by Anonymousreply 15811/10/2012

In what, Blanche? Dog years?

by Anonymousreply 15911/10/2012

"Yore a poka playa!"

Joan Rivers to Annie Duke.

by Anonymousreply 16011/10/2012

"I just LOVE sugar beets!"

by Anonymousreply 16111/11/2012

"No, I do not, Mary Jo. I know the Twilight Zone and the handicapped zone, but I do NOT know the erogenous zone, ok?!"

by Anonymousreply 16211/11/2012

"Endora, buttons are out."

"Zippers are in."

by Anonymousreply 16311/11/2012

CONNIE: What's this camper's name?

ANTHONY: (in a high-pitched voice) Cindy.

CONNIE: Cindy what?

ANTHONY: Cindy Birdsong.

CONNIE: Birdsong - I don't remember that name. (to other leader) Check your list.

ANTHONY: I was late. I got on the bus at the last minute.

CONNIE: Who let you on?

ANTHONY: I don't know. Some white girl.

CONNIE: Where's your application?

ANTHONY: I turned it in.

CONNIE: To who?

ANTHONY: Some white girl.

by Anonymousreply 16411/11/2012
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