Contacting half-siblings who don't know about me
Advice pls. I was born out of wedlock, as they say in the olden days. I've never known my father, who was married and had two kids when I was born.
I'd kind of like to contact them, but don't want to ruin lives.
The sibs are in their 50s. Father is in his 80s. Their mother (the one he cheated on) is dead.
Has anyone done this? Advisable or ill-advised? Tips on how to approach it if I do?
|by Not an EST||reply 114||07/27/2013|
What are you hoping to gain from contacting them?
|by Not an EST||reply 1||09/06/2012|
Odd, OP. I would think contacting your father would be of more interest to you than contacting your half siblings.
|by Not an EST||reply 2||09/06/2012|
These 'reunions' rarely turn out well. Initially they happen mainly out of curiosity. It is a good idea to have as much medical background about one's parents as is possible, but be careful.
|by Not an EST||reply 3||09/06/2012|
Let it go. These sorts of situations only turn out nicely once in a blue moon. Generally, people aren't open-minded and kind-hearted enough to welcome in new members of the family who came into the world via affairs or remarriage or via siblings who were adopted out.
You can certainly try, but be prepared to be heartbroken.
|by Not an EST||reply 4||09/06/2012|
If soaps are any indication it is best to take on a different persona, infiltrate their lives, seduce their spouses, and get a good sense of timing when and where to reveal your true identity in the most effective and dramatic manner.
|by Not an EST||reply 5||09/06/2012|
If I had half sibling out there, I'd want to meet them.
|by Not an EST||reply 8||09/06/2012|
They won't be interesting or fun like your special DL pals!
|by Not an EST||reply 9||09/06/2012|
R2, I talked to him on the phone once and he denied being my father, even though he didn't deny it when I was little, and tried to see me a time or two when I was a toddler.
At this point I am more interested in the siblings. I'm an only child.
|by Not an EST||reply 10||09/06/2012|
As someone who met my birth mother, three full sisters and a full brother at age 45, I say do it. I'm glad I met them.
The Chicken Littles on this thread who cry doom and gloom have no idea how profound your interest is. Nor do they have any real knowledge on the subject to impart. They only offer ignorance and pretense. Ignore them.
|by Not an EST||reply 11||09/06/2012|
Yeah, I think I would contact your birth dad first and give him the option--seems right, whether he was there for you or not (not condoning his behavior).
Then, just contact one and say something to the effect of you may be a lost relative but you are not sure if your information is correct, unless you just feel like you want to be fully direct, rather than cautious with their feelings. I would want them to know, but would basically give an option to opt out with a warning.
|by Not an EST||reply 12||09/06/2012|
I'm in the same boat, OP. When I was born, my mother had a restraining order against my bio-dad because he was violent. He saw me once in hospital when I was born, and that was it. She remarried 2yrs later and I grew up with a step-dad. I know my bio-dad had two other kids when I was born and god knows how many he's had since. My mother's family in UK still know where he is (he doesn't seem to have moved far). You may be shattering your siblings' recollections of their family history but hey, your dad should have thought of that when he knocked up a woman other than his wife. I say if you're curious, make contact. You can always withdraw if it turns out to be a negative experience but who knows, you may find close siblings you've never met before. Do you have any other siblings, OP?
|by Not an EST||reply 15||09/06/2012|
Look at it this way OP. If you bear information that will detract from your half siblings feeling of respect for their father, then you really shouldn't be making contact.
I believe you stated the possibility of your half sibling not knowing you exist. That being the case, stay away until their and your father pass on. If you must make contact, only contact your birth father and let him decide if you should reveal his past.
|by Not an EST||reply 17||09/06/2012|
I'm in the opposite situation OP. My dad was married to my mom and had three kids. Then when I was ten he started a family with his mistress. We found out twelve years later and he had fathered three children by her as well. Well my mom divorced him and I didn't speak to him for seven years. Then I ended up moving to the same city as him and he contacted me. I was nervous, but really wanted to meet them and see if maybe I could work things out a bit with my dad. I say go for it. Meeting my half siblings has enriched my life.
|by Not an EST||reply 18||09/06/2012|
I was adopted as an infant and a few years ago I had a half-sibling contact me by letter. I knew I had half-siblings out there but had never attempted any contact. The letter was pretty short and to the point. Basically said they had been searching for me for a long time, hoped they weren't interfering in my life, told me a little about themselves and invited me to contact them. They didn't put any pressure on me or make me feel that they were going to stalk me or anything. I appreciated that. For various reasons, I didn't respond at the time and they kept their word and never bothered me again. I am thinking about contacting them now and hope they aren't offended that I didn't respond at the time. These things go at their own pace. I don't know how to explain it any more than that. Just try to go into it without any expectations and hope for the best.
|by Not an EST||reply 19||09/06/2012|
My father had an affair and got his girlfriend pregnant when I was in high school and the woman gave the baby up for adoption. In fact, my father wasn't even on the birth certificate. My brother and I were always fascinated with finding our half-brother, but it seemed impossible, legally, to get anywhere.
Anyway, a year ago I finally tracked down the woman and she gave me the name of the boy (he'd contacted her, but she told him she didn't want any further contact). Weirdly enough, he lived not far from me. I sent him a letter and about two months later he got back in touch with me.
It's gone okay. My half-brother is much younger than me - he's 30 and I'm 47, so it doesn't feel like a brother relationship, more like an uncle/older male relative. And my half-brother is very reserved. His girlfriend always makes it seem like he's glad to hear from me, but he never initiates any contact. I'll keep trying (and by trying I mean maybe once every 3 months)...for awhile. Then if it seems like I'm the one forcing this relationship I'll just let it die off. No hard feelings. He's a good guy and I wish him well.
I think the most important thing if you're going to do this is to have a very clear idea what your expectations are. I had a fantasy of finding a 3rd brother who'd be just like my brother and me. The reality is we were strangers whose connection was not a happy one for anyone involved.
|by Not an EST||reply 20||09/06/2012|
It's family, and the world has changed since you were born. Things may not work out, but approach it with humility and compassion - even if you don't get what you expect, you will gain truth. I found my birth mother, and ended up singing at my (half) sister's wedding and being interviewed on international TV.
|by Not an EST||reply 21||09/06/2012|
Show up at their door wearing a picture hat with a long black veil and a fabulous sable coat.
Fate will take over from there.
|by Not an EST||reply 22||09/06/2012|
Is that you, Derek Hartley?
|by Not an EST||reply 23||09/06/2012|
[quote]The Chicken Littles on this thread who cry doom and gloom have no idea how profound your interest is. Nor do they have any real knowledge on the subject to impart. They only offer ignorance and pretense. Ignore them.
Shut up, R11. Don't give false hope to the OP. I was in the same situation as OP. It turned out to be a disaster for me. I also know a couple of others who had similar experiences. Same outcome. People just aren't prepared to deal with "surprise" family members. It completely fucks with their heads.
So fuck you and your stupid assumptions, and your damn useless Mary Poppins attitude. It's fucked up of you to tell the OP to ignore the "doom and gloom". If you had any real experience in life, you'd know that these things rarely turn out okay. No one here wants bad things to happen with the OP and his half-siblings; OP can hope for the best, but at the same time, OP has to prepared to be disappointed with the outcome.
|by Not an EST||reply 25||09/06/2012|
I'd contact your dad first, just to get the lay of the land.
Your half-siblings and you are innocent bystanders in this story. They might be better off not knowing you exist.
|by Not an EST||reply 26||09/07/2012|
Tons to think about, for sure. Thanks everyone.
|by Not an EST||reply 27||09/07/2012|
Try. Even if there's only a small chance of it being a happy ending, there's no chance if you don't try.
Manage your expectations and you'll be ok. Your siblings are middle aged adults, not small children who need to be sheltered. If they're decent, intelligent people, they'll probably deal with it fine it time.
|by Not an EST||reply 28||09/07/2012|
Contact your bio father and let him know you plan to reach out to the siblings. Give him an opportunity to come clean with them. I would be devestated to find out that my father had another child and didn't do the right thing by him. If my mother knew about it I'd feel even worse.
Do not expect them to welcome you with open arms. You've just exposed their entire family life/foundation as a lie. The stress may kill their 80 year old father. They will also probably think you are after a share of their inheritance.
|by Not an EST||reply 30||09/07/2012|
They might not take it well so just be prepared for possible rejection. They are going to have to process the fact that their father cheated on their mother and not only did he cheat on her but he had a child outside of their marriage. A child they are only learning about now. They could initially react in anger and reject you. So just be prepared for that and try to understand where they are coming from. Eventually they might come around. It would be better if your father told them about you. But I see that he has rejected you already. You say he rejected you over the phone, how long ago was that?
|by Not an EST||reply 31||09/07/2012|
I'm thinking it's probably not worth the disruption. R31, the phone conversation was a long time ago, maybe mid-90s. I haven't contacted him since.
|by Not an EST||reply 32||09/07/2012|
[quote] he didn't deny it when I was little, and tried to see me a time or two when I was a toddler
Why wasn't he allowed to see you?
And did he provide your mother with money?
|by Not an EST||reply 33||09/07/2012|
Keep in mind if you're considering contacting your elderly father first that he might not be a reliable source for how his kids would react. He's a different generation and you really don't know how close they are. Plus he might have some dementia at that age too which can make people paranoid etc.
[quote]You've just exposed their entire family life/foundation as a lie. The stress may kill their 80 year old father. They will also probably think you are after a share of their inheritance.
Might be true about the inheritance concern (if there's any inheritance to be had), but the rest seems hysterical. It's not the 50s. Good grief. They probably won't like it, but they're adults. Unless they have emotional problems, they'll deal after the initial shock wears off.
I'd be curious to meet any half-siblings even though I already have 3 from my dad's previous marriage and they suck.
|by Not an EST||reply 34||09/07/2012|
no, no money at all to my mom.
She didn't stop him from seeing me, he just came by unexpectedly (once that I know of) when I was about 4 but I was staying with my grandmother in another part of the state.
|by Not an EST||reply 35||09/07/2012|
From experience, I can say the best way to handle it is to first seduce the half-siblings individually and THEN spring it on them in a joint lunch at a restaurant.
|by Not an EST||reply 36||09/07/2012|
Recently, I was researching an older half-sib's father's family on ancestry.com. We've been looking for years with no luck. Her dad and mom broke up when she was 3 months old, she didn't even know her dad's real first name or the names of any family members. I found that she had a half sister we didn't know about who was looking for relatives on ancestry.com. She contacted her.
This (younger) half-sib's mother couldn't marry her father because he never divorced his first wife. After she found out a little more, she refused to answer any more questions and refused further contact. She seemed very angry that she was illegitimate and the older sib wasn't. The adults are all dead now, nobody can really get a clear picture of what happened. My half-sib was happy to find this woman, then disapointed to learn she didn't know anything aobut the family either, then disappointed again when this woman seemed to blame her for what the adults did. You never know what you're going to get.
You may find they are pissed that you exist, which seemed to be what happeneed here. Try not to get your hopes up too much.
|by Not an EST||reply 37||09/08/2012|
I think you should not expect too much, they will be suspicious of you and your motives. (I come from a complicated family with lots of half-siblings)
They may think that you are after money, want to get close to your father so he can name you in his will, etc and therefore want nothing to do with you and will perhaps tell their dad not to have any contact with you etc...
|by Not an EST||reply 38||09/08/2012|
OP: I'm genuinely curious about why you want to contact these people at all. As you don't know them, they surely don't mean anything to you. Yes, there's a biological connection, but isn't that irrelevant in the long run? These are strangers to you; you might as well contact some family in Oshkosh or wherever. I have a close friend who is adopted, and in over ten years he has never once referred to his birth parents and has no curiousity about them whatsoever. As he sees it, the people who raised him are his parents, and the matter ends there. On the other hand, I used to know an adoptee, and she loved speculating about who her birth parents were and clearly would have sought them out if she could. It always seemed bizarre to me: what function could they possibly serve at this point in her life? Mind you, I'm not criticizing you or trying to influence you. I am sincerely wondering why the concept of family relationships means something to you when the putative relationship would unite you with people you do not know. What is their attraction?
|by Not an EST||reply 39||09/08/2012|
It's not like your a real brother or real sister so forget it.
You won't be put in the will so forget it.
|by Not an EST||reply 40||09/08/2012|
R39, I have to say it's not like a burning primal desire like I know some people have to meet their birth parents. Mine is more curiosity I guess. I was an only child, so the thought that I have have siblings is intriguing. Do we look alike, have similar interests, etc.
Same with my father, I'd like to see what he looks like and what traits of his I might have. And basically just to meet him once before he dies. It's not an emotional need, more of an interest. I never really missed having a father, it's been not much of an issue for the most part.
Years ago when I contacted him by phone I left a message before we talked telling him that I absolutely didn't want anything from him other than to meet. But now that he's in his 80s I can see that there would be the suspicion that I wanted money.
One tidbit I found on Ancestry.com -- I believe he was married to a second wife when I talked to him. They've since divorced. Maybe he'd talk to me now that there's no wife in the picture to potentially piss off. (I'm guessing he never told her about me).
|by Not an EST||reply 41||09/08/2012|
I like that idea, R8/42. I actually hadn't thought about the divorced angle until I was writing that reply. It is possible that would change things for him.
I'll have to decide whether to do it , but time is short if I do.
|by Not an EST||reply 43||09/08/2012|
The OP is the illegitimate son of Obama and is thinking of contacting Sasha and Mailia or whatever their names are
|by Not an EST||reply 44||09/08/2012|
I was in this same situation a few years ago. I knew my father had other children and I was shocked when they tried to contact my two sisters and I.
However, they literally dropped by to visit us (I was 17 at the time) and my mother hid since she passively wanted nothing to do with them. My older sister went out to speak to them and spent time with them. I hid upstairs. I never even took a peak to see what they looked like.
Years later (13 years) my older sister still talks to her other siblings occasionally on Facebook and my younger sister and I just act as if they don't exist.
What it comes down to is that my older sister was looking for a connection with someone new that had a basic connection with her. As for me -- I simply don't talk to strangers and blood relation or not they are strangers to me. They probably always will be. I don't hold any ill will towards them. It's just not my style.
We heard from them again about two years ago as "our" grandmother had passed. They wanted us to go to the funeral. Collectively the three of us decided to bow out.
|by Not an EST||reply 45||09/08/2012|
[quote] knew my father had other children
Tell us more, R45.
How old are all of your father's children? When/how did he come to have other children? How did you come to know about the other children? And when/how did your father exit your life?
|by Not an EST||reply 46||09/08/2012|
If you need a reason to do this, op, r45 is it. Living in fear - literally hiding from the truth - rots a person inside and out.
|by Not an EST||reply 47||09/08/2012|
You sound like a snob R45. Your virgin eyes can't even handle looking at you half siblings? Grow up.
I grew up with 2 half siblings. I can take or leave them. None of us are that much alike. In my experience that missing half make a difference.
|by Not an EST||reply 48||09/08/2012|
Put it this way: most people eye a new co-worker with suspicion and they won't be at the dinner table or reading of the will.
I'm not saying don't do it, but treat it like first time anal: very slowly and with a lot of consideration for the feelings of the recipient.
|by Not an EST||reply 49||09/09/2012|
Last week, one of my co-workers came back from a week off after her father died. During the viewing, 3 people came up to my co-worker and informed her that her father was also their father. I was a little shocked, but she said it was way more common than not.
|by Not an EST||reply 50||09/09/2012|
Unknown extra siblings showed up and 'fessed up during the viewing? Talk about insensitive. We don't all live our lives as if they're a very special episode of Springer.
|by Not an EST||reply 51||09/09/2012|
I have three half siblings. All of them are old enough to be my parent. I found out about them when I was 18. No dramatic story, my father was married at 18, divorced at 30, married my mother at 42. His first wife elected to move from the east coast to California. This was in the 60s.
I really never thought about finding them. After my dad died, my brother got a call from one of the half brothers who somehow knew of my dad's death. All he wanted to know was whether my father was a wealthy man. When he found out my dad died in care, after years of alzheimer's disease and that we had paid for his care because he had little money, he disappeared.
Sometimes its better to let sleeping dogs lie.
|by Not an EST||reply 52||09/09/2012|
I have to cousins that we, the collective family, did not know about until grandmother's and uncle's deaths.
The one was adopted out privately to family friends and the other's mother married the other guy she was seeing at the same time as my uncle.
The getting to know went well with one but not the other. The one adopted out had been told some information by her adoptive parents. She saw my grandmother's obituary notice and came to the visitation. After the funeral I found a letter from my grandma explainig to me who she was. There was also one for her half-sister.
I put together medical info, family tree and copied some family pics for her. No further contact.
The other one was not good at all.
So take a deep breath, think it thru before initiating contact.
|by Not an EST||reply 53||09/09/2012|
[quote]I have three half siblings. All of them are old enough to be my parent. I found out about them when I was 18. No dramatic story, my father was married at 18, divorced at 30, married my mother at 42. His first wife elected to move from the east coast to California. This was in the 60s.
I'm in a similar situation. I knew my father had been married before and had three kids -- we saw each other occasionally but were not close.
When I was about 12 a strange woman showed up with her two daughters (who were my age). Turned out my dad had impregnated some girl in high school and they were married briefly. The strange woman was my half-sister. She kept in touch with Christmas cards after that, but that was about it. She died when I was in college. I can remember her first name, but not her last, and I don't have the faintest clue what she looked like.
I have a friend (female) who had a previously-unknown older sister contact her when my friend was in her 30s -- the sister was about 15 years older. For some reason, it was incredibly traumatic for my friend and she told the woman not to contact her again. The half-sister emailed a couple of times, but when my friend rebuffed her she finally faded away.
It's just a weird dynamic: it's someone who's both a total stranger and a close family member (at least genetically). Meeting my half-sister didn't upset me, but now that I'm writing this I'm wondering what she came looking for when she looked us up, and if she came away disappointed.
|by Not an EST||reply 54||09/09/2012|
Hey Op just do it. its best to know good or bad than to have doubts or regrets. I met my 3 half sisters when i was a 11 (i am now in late 20's) my dad met my mother while he was still married to his 1st wife. My mom was clueless. lets just say i was 3 yrs old when my parents officially legally got married. My half sisters are about 10-15 years older than me. I saw them a 2nd time when i was 14 and that was it. My father was almost 40 when he got my mom pregnant with me. Last year my oldest half sister wrote a letter asking for money from my dad. The official story is that my dad's 1st wife cheated on him and that his 2 youngest daughters are not even his but he has never asked for a DNA test. Even in the divorce settlement my dad left them a house and a lump sum. So he was no dead beat.
I have no desire to see or reunite with my half sisters. They never were in the life of my dad after they divorced or in mine.
I do know from cousins that they hate my father for not sticking it out with their cheating mother.
|by Not an EST||reply 55||09/09/2012|
r55 - So your dad just abandoned his first family and afterward spoke ill of his kids' mother? Hard to imagine why they're not fond of him.
|by Not an EST||reply 56||09/09/2012|
God, this cavalier attitude toward your father's first family - they never were in the life of my dad after they divorced. Sounds like your dad was an asshole and it looks like you inherited the same trait.
|by Not an EST||reply 57||09/09/2012|
My story is quite similar to many of yours. When my father was young he met a woman, as far as I know, it was a one night stand. She got pregnant and went through with it. My dad never saw them, he just gave her some money...
When he met my mother he did not tell about this particular happenstance in his life. So my mother was quite shocked when the other woman contacted us, there was some changes in inheritance law and my father had to make a statement that she was his child. I was 1 year old at the time.
I found out about this when I was about 17 years old. Now I'm 32, and still sometimes think about contacting her. Anyway I know we will meet when my father dies. Contacting her would probably be quite horrible to my parents. My dad is not interested, his the kind of person who always avoids any conflict.
|by Not an EST||reply 59||09/11/2012|
R59, do you know where your half-sister is? Do you know her name? Just curious.
|by Not an EST||reply 60||09/11/2012|
I hope you pursue this, OP. It's better to know than not know.
|by Not an EST||reply 61||09/11/2012|
I wish there was a way to find email addresses. I'd email long-lost daddy if I could.
|by Not an EST||reply 62||09/11/2012|
[quote] I wish there was a way to find email addresses. I'd email long-lost daddy if I could.
If he's in his 80s, OP, then he probably doesn't use email.
So, write him a letter (on a piece of paper) and post it to him (in an envelope with a stamp)!
|by Not an EST||reply 63||09/11/2012|
All these long lost relatives are probably on Facebook. Even if they're not you can find out everything - and I mean everything - about them online before you ever meet them.
My mother's mother (my grandmother) died shortly after giving birth and her father (my grandfather) gave her to my mom's maternal grandmother and aunts to raise at about a year old. Of course the New York City Irish Catholics were thrilled to have my mom and they certainly didn't want some Protestant raising her. My mom's dad died when my mom was about 12 and her grandmother who has raised her died when she was 13.
When my mom was in her early 20s - at the end of WWII - she learned that her father had been married before and that she had 2 older half sisters. Have no idea what happened to their mother but he abandoned them as well and one of them had even lived in an orphanage for a while.
So on Thanksgiving my mom and her 2 older male cousins - just back from the war - drove from NYC up to Westchester to meet her sisters. After a lovely visit they decided to go to her new sister's brother-in-law's house nearby to see his TV - still a novelty in 1945. Are you still following me? Well the brother-in-law was married to a woman who also had a relative just back from the Pacific - her brother. The wife called her brother to come join the party and he fell madly in love with my mother. 10 weeks later my mom married the brother - my dad.
I remember my mother still writing her half-sisters when they were old and sending them presents. My mother had been an only child and loved it that she had found siblings.
So, OP, you never know what happiness awaits you unless you at least make yourself available to its possibility.
|by Not an EST||reply 64||09/11/2012|
OP, did you call your father yet? please let us know how it went. Best of luck to you!
|by Not an EST||reply 65||09/11/2012|
People are getting weird about this. Your siblings are in their 50s, they've long ago accepted your father as a man with human failings. Write to them introducing yourself and give them your contact information. If they're interested they'll contact you, and if not leave it alone.
|by Not an EST||reply 66||09/11/2012|
My mom met my dad in the 70s. He already had one daughter. He had her when he was really young. She is a Professor at U Penn. She'd be in her late 40s or early 50s now. We only found out about her form his brother.
By the time I was born they broke up and he moved out. He popped up from time to time. The last time I saw him was when I was 12. I don't know what happened between them and I never asked.
He went to Texas, got married and had a mess of other kids. Then there was a problem with that marriage and he and my mom started seeing each other again secretly. My older sister and I had no clue. It's why I have a little sister 10 years younger than me and I love her to pieces. They broke up for the final time before she was born and he went back to his other family.
My mom only knew about this other family from his brother who was always really kind to me. I was clearly gay as a kid and he never cared. I think fondly of him.
Three of the ones he has, besides us, are all in their 20s. The last one is younger than my baby sister. She'd be in her late teens. I'm 30 and my older sister is 6 years older.
In any case, it's interesting to know they exist but I have no connection with them. I have a feeling that by refusing to go to our grandmother's funeral we shut the door on that completely.
|by Not an EST||reply 67||09/12/2012|
[R60]well, I have heard her first name, but it was long ago, and I don't remember it anymore. If I would want to find her, I would need to ask the name from my mom. Surname might have changed, so it may not be that easy to find her. I would love her to contact us, and because of my fathers profession she could easily do that. I mean finding him would be easy. I guess you never know how it will go until it happens. People can be so different, as this thread proves. Good luck what ever you do!
|by Not an EST||reply 68||09/12/2012|
I knew that my two younger half-siblings didn't know about me. Our father had chosen to keep his first very short marriage to my mother secret because his in-laws were fundamentalists and didn't believe in divorce. They were very influential in that community and he wanted to keep them happy. I had found his sister after my son was born - I thought he should have the option of knowing his grandfather's family, although I had never met either my father or his siblings. She was wonderful and was how I discovered what information I had about him. I started by sending girly gifts to my half-sister who was a teenager at the time. My father had a heart attack at age 50 and my step-mother asked me to stop all contact at that time, so I did. Forward to my mid-50s and I have a genetic disorder shows itself, I find my half-sister's address online, and write to her. Turns out every female in that side of my family has this disorder or one that's related to it. She's happy to remain in contact and we've also discovered a lot of personality traits in common, too. My half-brother is more reserved and has not done any more than Friend me on MySpace a few years ago; no personal messages or anything, but he had posted a lot of family photos that I appreciated seeing. So, I encourage you to contact your lost siblings, but don't expect miracles. It's a slow process for some, but worth it when it works out.
|by Not an EST||reply 69||09/17/2012|
In answer to all your questions, I am married to a man to slept with a woman a couple times while in the military in the early 90's. She called him and said she had a child, and would he be willing to take a paternity test? He said yes and never heard from her again.. She told him it might be "Bill's." So, since he never heard back from her, he assumed it was "Bill's." She obviously was promiscuous and never told anyone the truth....Fast forward to early 2012. We get a phone call from a strange holy roller child claiming to be his child. He took a paternity test (because he has a heart of gold) and it's his. We do not want her to disrupt our lives anymore however. She knows who we are. We have our own family, and don't need this nuisance in our lives. It's not our fault her mother lied about to him about it so long ago. She expects us just to drop everything and welcome the child she hijacked from him 20 something years ago. Thoughts?
|by Not an EST||reply 73||02/09/2013|
She DOES want to meet us. We don't want to meet her. Please help We feel awful.. But we have our own children now and they know about her, but have no interest either.
|by Not an EST||reply 75||02/09/2013|
Do it. Maybe they'll tell you to fuck off, maybe you will end upmwithnsome family. Tellmthem the truth,myou want nothing from them, but you are an only child and would like to know them and learn a bit about your family. I would be thrilled if I had a long lost half sibling or two out there and Inwould be very welcoming, but that's me. Good luck, I wishnycounthe best.
|by Not an EST||reply 76||02/09/2013|
The 'we' bit suggests that YOU (R75) don't want your partner to meet his daughter and don't want your children (who can't be more than teenagers) to meet her.
It's a complex situation - perhaps some counselling might help.
|by Not an EST||reply 77||02/09/2013|
One of my BFFs is an adoptee. Several years ago he decided he had to meet his birth family. His mother was a raging homophobic cunt; the best part about her is that she was literally on her deathbed. He says he wishes he hadn't met her.
However, he has made friends with two of his half-siblings, one on each of his birth parents' sides. Because of the new relationship he has with one half-brother, he's glad he chose to meet his birth family, even though his mother was such a disappointment.
I have two other friends who are adoptees, and neither wants to meet his birth family.
I guess it's one of those things that doesn't itch until it itches, but once it does, you've just got to scratch.
|by Not an EST||reply 78||02/09/2013|
Oh trust me, we have been in counseling as a family since April. It's the hardest thing ever. He feels an obligation to her because he is repsonsible for her being alive, but her mother is bombarding my business website with things about this. We (both of us) want nothing to do with her. It's more trouble than it's worth it seems.
|by Not an EST||reply 79||02/09/2013|
This girl is not adopted. My husband didn't know she was his until this past year. If it was an adoptee situation where he gave her up, we would feel differently.
|by Not an EST||reply 80||02/09/2013|
Breeders, you need to keep it in your pants.
|by Not an EST||reply 81||02/09/2013|
R79 - Give her a detailed package of information about your partner and his family tree, including health matters. Whether you like it or not (and obviously YOU don't like it), your partner's daughter has a biological link to your partner and should have access to such information.
|by Not an EST||reply 82||02/09/2013|
[quote] If it was an adoptee situation where he gave her up, we would feel differently.
Lose the 'WE'. Start saying 'I' and 'he' - that really seems to be part of the issue.
Why would you/he feel differently if your partner's daughter had been given up for adoption?
|by Not an EST||reply 83||02/09/2013|
to R82, we Have given her all the info she needs, healthwise.
to R83, because it wasn't just his or mine relationship this messed with. It was OUR marriage. She just barged in and my husband and I are a team
|by Not an EST||reply 84||02/09/2013|
[quote] She just barged in and my husband and I are a team
Yes, but you aren't Siamese twins joined at the brain. Your husband gets to have his own thoughts and feeings about the situation. He more than you actually. It's his child not yours. You come across as someone who it would be difficult to admit that to and difficult to accept that concept.
You aren't defending a castle you know.
|by Not an EST||reply 85||02/09/2013|
[quote] Why would you/he feel differently if your partner's daughter had been given up for adoption?
[quote] because it wasn't just his or mine relationship this messed with. It was OUR marriage. She just barged in and my husband and I are a team
It was your partner who had sex (repeatedly) with his daughter's mother. Given that your partner's daughter is only about 20 years of age, she probably hasn't had a chance to find her father before now.
Previous relationships, affairs, financial difficulties, other relatives - all these things can affect a relationship - which is why counselling is a good idea.
But she is still his daughter - however inconvenient and unsettling YOU find that.
|by Not an EST||reply 86||02/09/2013|
You're a piece of work, R84. She's not allowed to know the man she just realized is her father because you "don't need this nuisance" in your life--because she's not part of your "team"?
She may not want to know you. I know I don't want to know you. But anyone should be allowed to know their parents.
|by Not an EST||reply 87||02/09/2013|
WTF website IS this?
I thought I signed onto Datalounge.
|by Not an EST||reply 88||02/09/2013|
My situation was almost the same. The exception is that my father passed away some years ago. I saw him very few times in my life without knowing who he was. A few years ago I put some discreet questions on a genealogy board hoping to learn more about this side of my family history and was floored when my half-sister replied.
I was torn - should I explain the truth or should I keep quiet and learn as much as I can from her? In the end I replied to her in a private email explaining that her father was also mine. I told her briefly about myself (my age, profession, location) and that I would love to meet her and learn more about the family, but I would leave it up to her to contact me again.
Not only did she not reply she removed her reply to my post on the genealogy board. I think I agonized more over my decision to reply to her than I did over her reaction. I had always thought if I reached out and was rejected it would hurt, but it didn't really bother me. You can't lose something you don't have, so why not give it a shot?
|by Not an EST||reply 89||02/09/2013|
you guys are not listening! My husband ALSO doesn't want to have anything to do with her. It's not just me! We HAVE been in counseling. I'm not writing on her to get reprimanded... WE get reprimanded by the illegitimate love child's mother all the time. Thank you! I wrote on here hoping to find someone to tell me what TO DO, no what my feelings should be about it. I can't help the fact that this relationship happened before me. But OUR children now are our responsiblty to protect. This love child coming in and BARGING in on us (both at our works) a)was not the correct way it should have been handled b)why is it our responsibility?
We were not the ones that wanted to find her. The mother was a loose woman he slept with back in the day and now the mother is expecting US to drop everything. Does that explain it better?
|by Not an EST||reply 90||02/09/2013|
R89, can you tell me more about what exactly you wanted to get from the bio parent you are talkig about? Like what exactly do you want? My husband has spoken to illegitimate child (IC) multiple times on phone, discussed health past and present, and family traits, etc. What would HE gain from meeting her? He doesn't see the pertinence? He (not I) think it would throw a bigger kink in the problem than already exists, because his REAL children that he has raised NEED him for everyday things. This extra child is a grown woman and has been raised already. I am serious in asking this. Please respond?
|by Not an EST||reply 91||02/09/2013|
You want help, r90? Here are some tips: 1) pursue additional schooling in order to write, punctuate, and employ grammar at a high school graduate's level. 2) begin therapy to repair your codependent relationship. 3) seek spiritual guidance to become a less selfish, generally horrible person.
|by Not an EST||reply 92||02/09/2013|
What are you doing posting on a gay forum about parenting issues?
You barge in here acting as if someone here owes you an explanation. Well, you got your explanation. You just don't LIKE it.
"A loose woman." You're making this up as you go along.
|by Not an EST||reply 93||02/09/2013|
[quote] We HAVE been in counseling.
[quote] WE get reprimanded by the illegitimate love child's mother
[quote] I wrote on here hoping to find someone to tell me what TO DO
[quote] OUR children now are our responsiblty to protect.
[quote] This love child coming in and BARGING in on us
[quote] The mother was a loose woman he slept with
[quote] My husband has spoken to illegitimate child (IC) multiple times on phone
[quote] his REAL children that he has raised NEED him for everyday things
[R90] [R91] - You sound jealous and full of hate and spite. For the sake of everyone, I suggest that you get personal counselling (by yourself).
You keep referring to your partner's daughter as illegitimate - that is not only judgemental, but also totally insensitive on a gay/lesbian message board where many of us (probably most of us) are unable to legally marry, hence making our children illegitimate.
You talk about protecting your children - from what?
Calling the mother of your partner's daughter a 'loose woman' is again a judgemental comment and a hateful comment. If she is 'loose', then so is your partner.
Your partner's daughter is also his REAL child, just as much as his other biological children and any adopted children that he might have.
|by Not an EST||reply 95||02/09/2013|
The OP is such a fucked up jackass that he should spare the family that knows nothing about you.
|by Not an EST||reply 96||02/09/2013|
You never know. Indifference rules.
Depending upon your bent, it might be fascinating to see (as it was for me: Peter Lorre) how genetic makeup creates commonalities among your sibs and your personality traits.
|by Not an EST||reply 97||02/09/2013|
R95, spot on!
WTF is up with this bitch? She sounds like a ranting banshee and if her husband wanted to do the right thing and forge a decent relationship with HIS REAL DAUGHTER - you know, the one he didn't help raise or pay for (unless I missed something in this saga) I cannot imagine that he would dare to admit it to his wife. I am assuming the writer is a wife though maybe it's a he.
This person is abusive and controlling and pretty much out of it. I wonder what the kids are like. This person also seems afraid the husband may find something better elsewhere.
|by Not an EST||reply 98||02/09/2013|
I'm sorry R90/R91 etc, but you don't have a say in this. It's between your husband and HIS BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER. You're really just "new wifey" and need to step back. What? Are you afraid your own spawn won't get their fair share of the loot?
|by Not an EST||reply 99||02/09/2013|
A) I am a HUGE gay supporter. I'm not gay, but was referred to this thread by a gay friend of mine because there were some similarities that he had read about.. He thought it may be of some use. I certainly would NEVER mean to have any disrespect towards gay men or women having children together. A relationship to me constitutes legitimacy moreso than anything. I know legally what illegitimate means. I have multiple gay couple friends who have adopted, surrogate, or had their own children. I was just trying to get a diffferent perspective. I am so sorry for any inconvenience. I do not have anyone to talk to that's a third party about this.. Was just trying to seek some other's opinions. You have all been very direct and straigh forward with me, which i appreciate, and I will look elsewhere. Sorry again.
|by Not an EST||reply 100||02/09/2013|
You mean you will troll elsewhere until you get the answer you're looking for, don't you, R100?
Give it up. Meet the Holy Roller and get it over with, already.
|by Not an EST||reply 101||02/09/2013|
I am an adult (58yo) adoptee. I found my b-mom. we cooresponded by mail and some short phone calls a few years back. She is obviously not interested in meeting me. She has stopped responding. She has 3 (adult now) kids. She admitted to me she was not proud of her "cowardice" at not telling them about me. I understand that. When is the appropriate time to tell kids? When thy're little? ("Let Mommy tell you about the other baby she gave away") or when they're teens? ("Let me tell you about Mommy the Slut who gave a baby away") After awhile it just easier to NOT tell them. ...I don't understand the psycology of the thing but I am 'driven' to meet the sibs. I don't think that is wrong. It just IS. I did not ask for this situation. A contract was made when I was relinquished, but I was NOT asked my opinion. I do not feel bound by that contract. (The only other situation where a binding contract is made on the life of a baby was in slave times...think about THAT) So I am trying to screw up my courage to contact the sibs...Gently, humbley with respect. I don't want money or property, just knowledge. I hope we become friends at least but if they are traumatised by my contact I'll bow out. Each situation is different and needs individual strategies...Good luck to all of us who are searching
|by Not an EST||reply 102||04/25/2013|
I am trying to connect with Michael. He posted on this thread about his bio father Butch Swift. I am one of the missing siblings and I would love to speak to you. My Name is Shelley, I am 37 years old. I have been trying for years to get info out of Butch about you and he would never even tell me your name. I found out about you from his wife. I have no contact with him, his wife or their two daughters (Stephanie Michelle and Melissa Gail) but I do have contact with Lisa and some contact with Bryant.
|by Not an EST||reply 103||06/16/2013|
Does his cock size run in the family, R20?
|by Not an EST||reply 104||06/16/2013|
I think we have our first DL reality show!
I've called it; it's mine. My production company will be pitching it out to Lifetime, then the ratings-starved OWN. Thanks all!
|by Not an EST||reply 105||06/16/2013|
The next time anyone talks about "homosexual depravity," they need to be shown this thread.
The sociopathy exhibited by straight people on children, as described by the first 25% of posters, outweighs any evil committed by gays throughout the whole of recorded history.
|by Not an EST||reply 106||06/16/2013|
TIP: Avoid ending the call with phrases such as "Jealous, bitches?"
|by Not an EST||reply 107||06/16/2013|
My name is Shelley Polonski. I am trying to contact Michael who posted on this thread in December 2012 [R71] [R72]. Arthur Swift is my biological father. I would love to speak with you and can help fill in some of the information you are looking for. You can contact me on facebook or respond on this thread. I will keep checking back.
|by Not an EST||reply 108||06/17/2013|
This happened to my mother. Except her father cheated and then started a family with the other woman, thus having 4 more children. After he died, they were located and 3 out of the 4 of his children now have great relationships with our family.
The youngest son has not accepted it. He was really messed up by it and the idea that his father had other children and never told them about it or being married previously.
I say go for it OP. You might find some great people. The new siblings even come to family reunions now.
|by Not an EST||reply 109||06/17/2013|
Michael, I am Lisa(formally Lisa Swift) Authur Bryant Swift's first born ( not that it is of importance lol) I would like to speak with you not sure how to know if you respond on this site, I will also try to flag it. You can find me on facebook Lisa Rhoades Friday, from Guthrie Oklahoma and Broken Arrow Oklahoma now living in Leavenworth Kansas,https://www.facebook.com/robertsonlylady please contact me, we do have another sister he tried to keep a secret her name is Shelly but she found us and found this link, she is a go getter like some of her other siblings and she found this. Can't wait to hear from you.
|by Not an EST||reply 110||06/17/2013|
This is a really interesting thread. I hope the Swift family finds each other.
As far as r100 - just wow, what a mean woman.
|by Not an EST||reply 111||06/17/2013|
This is michael. I sent you both messages in facebook. I cant wait to hear from yall.
|by Not an EST||reply 112||07/27/2013|
Aww I hope this is true because it's making me cry ....
|by Not an EST||reply 113||07/27/2013|
My half siblings met a couple of their half siblings, they don't keep in touch with them...nothing in common and one of the siblings, really didn't know his Dad at all, he was just the product of an affair.
I don't recommend it because it will probably just lead to awkward situations.
Some men, who drop babies all over town, I just want to smack them Why doesn't society come down on them?
|by Not an EST||reply 114||07/27/2013|