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Help with an eldergay problem?

I'm in a movie group that's about a dozen gay guys, mostly in their 30s. It's an offshoot of a bigger group we all left because of stupid drama.

We organize the group via an ongoing group message on Facebook. We all pretty much agree on the movies we want to see, and most discussion boils down to when an where we're seeing it.

We have one member who, as he always says, is old enough to be our father. I liked him at first, because we share similar taste in movies and he's recommended a lot of pre-70s movies to me that I've enjoyed.

Lately, though, he's turned into a real pain in the ass. He's become negative about almost everything, and when we went out last night, he ended up giving us all a lecture about how none of us need smartphones.

Everyone else is ready to get rid of him. I want to give him another chance because I don't think he realizes how he's coming across. But I also think he's going to freak out when I bring up the topic.

Any advice?

by Anonymousreply 9412/09/2012

Punch and delete from your smartphone.

by Anonymousreply 108/30/2012

Take him out for a beer and just ask him what's up.

by Anonymousreply 208/30/2012

[quote]It's an offshoot of a bigger group we all left because of stupid drama.

And yet you want to dump a member because he bitched at you for texting on your iPhones instead of engaging in conversation.

by Anonymousreply 308/30/2012

Invite another eldergay into the group, and give the two of them the chance to sit together and bitch about kids today.

That way, younguns won't have to listen to the bitching, and the two eldergays will have made a friend. And with two eldergays present, you'll learn about film. Everybody wins!

by Anonymousreply 408/30/2012

[quote]And yet you want to dump a member because he bitched at you for texting on your iPhones instead of engaging in conversation.

I don't think you get it. He's bringing drama to the table here. He's started to piss people off, so they want to get rid of him.

R2, thanks for trying, but he's not the type to respond to something like that.

by Anonymousreply 508/30/2012

[quote]He's bringing drama to the table here. He's started to piss people off, so they want to get rid of him.

Tell him that, and tell him to quit the stupid bit about being old enough to be your father.

by Anonymousreply 608/30/2012

R3's point really zipped right past you, OP.

You've got bigger problems than a peevish eldergay on your hands.

by Anonymousreply 708/30/2012

That's how a lot people act when they get old. Try not letting him get to you. Change the subject when he says things that bother you. He'll get the message. At his age he probably doesn't see the need for a smart phone, but he's still trying to get a rise out of you. Don't give it to him. I have a 68 year old grandfather who acts the same way. It takes time but you CAN teach and old dog new tricks.

by Anonymousreply 808/30/2012

For Christ's sake, suck the man's dick for him already.

by Anonymousreply 908/30/2012

It's called getting older. Many people turn into pissy cranks as they age.

by Anonymousreply 1008/30/2012

It's going to change over time, the attitude about technology that is.

I'm of the 'advanced' age of 47 and been around technology since I was a kid, from electronics and radio to big iron computers and now smartphones that have more capacity than some of that big iron.

And I can see the next wave coming on the horizon.

by Anonymousreply 1108/30/2012

No, R7, you really don't get it. The group we left had all sorts of stupid in-fighting and rivalries. He is bringing this same energy back to a group that has zero interest in it.

Also, we weren't "texting on your iPhones instead of engaging in conversation." One of the guys is looking to get a new phone and asked if anyone had that new Samsung phone. One of the other guys did, he pulled it out, and they chatted a little bit about it.

It was the definition of no big deal, but the old guy took the opportunity to start ranting about how no one needs a smartphone. It got insulting, and it became clear the guy had very little idea what you could actually do with a phone today.

All of that said, I do feel bad for the old guy. I have a gut feeling he'll react badly to anything I say to him, but I also don't just want to abandon him.

by Anonymousreply 1208/30/2012

Perhaps he's bored with pissy young queens who think they're just regular guys but are... pissy young queens. You will probably be like him in a few years OP.

by Anonymousreply 1308/30/2012

[quote]One of the guys is looking to get a new phone and asked if anyone had that new Samsung phone. One of the other guys did, he pulled it out, and they chatted a little bit about it. It was the definition of no big deal

No, it was the definition of mindless yammering. "Ohmigod you have the new Galaxy S III? So cool! You have Grindr installed on it, I assume?" Blah blah blah. And yet you can't figure out why an intelligent man into indie film would find such a conversation to be trivial?

Sent from my iPhone

by Anonymousreply 1408/30/2012

Where are you, OP? If we're in the same town, just kick him out and I'll gladly replace him. I'd love to be part of a gay men's movie group.

by Anonymousreply 1508/30/2012

[quote]No, it was the definition of mindless yammering. "Ohmigod you have the new Galaxy S III? So cool! You have Grindr installed on it, I assume?" Blah blah blah.

No one was using their phones. The guy who owned the Samsung is a social media director and uses the thing all day long for work. We're all professionals in our 30s, not mindless, yapping kids.

by Anonymousreply 1608/30/2012

Sounds like he's possibly suffering from depression, or some other personal problem you're unaware of.

Might want to talk to him about it, in as non-confrontational a way as possible.

by Anonymousreply 1708/30/2012

He's actually right, no one needs "smartphones."

Groups are boring, though.

by Anonymousreply 1808/30/2012

OP, it's obvious the respondents who are bitches to you are probably eldergays themselves who takes things way too personally. You need to first inform your 30 something group members that you are gonna talk to the old guy.

THEN you talk to him, whatever happens next is on HIM, not you or anyone else. If he overeacts and brings drama to the convo then you know it is him and not you, and that you tried.

Then you MOVE ON!

by Anonymousreply 1908/31/2012

Your story is boring and you should feel bad.

by Anonymousreply 2008/31/2012

Kick him in the vagina bone.

by Anonymousreply 2108/31/2012

Text him:

Welcome to "Dumpsville," population: YOU

by Anonymousreply 2208/31/2012

Just TELL him what people are saying and that if he doesn't act nicer, he might get kicked out because he's killing the buzz. If this offends him, he'll stop coming voluntarily. If he wants to make an effort to get along, he will. He might be one of those people with annoying tendencies to show their "love" by instigating stupid fights - "Look, we love each other so much and we're having so much fun that we're fighting! I would never fight with someone I didn't care about." I had a friend that used to insult me all the time, and HIS friend said "He only does that because he likes you" and I told him "If you don't stop this, we're not hanging out anymore." He stopped.

by Anonymousreply 2308/31/2012

I bet he was delusional and thought you were getting together to discuss movies, not Smartphones.

You might want to explain to him that it's important for him not to have a differing opinion because that brings "negative energy" into the group.

by Anonymousreply 2408/31/2012

OP: Unfortunately, the solution to your problem--telling this guy that he's getting on everyone's nerves--will likely create another problem, because he might get defensive, angry, and abusive. I'd avoid a personal encounter. Maybe an email? It would at least give him a chance to think it over before he replies. Tell him that he has to stop lecturing and haranguing the others and just hang out. Make it clear that his future with your moviegoing group hangs in the balance. It's probably not an age issue, anyway. Some people, men and women and gay and straight, are difficult, period.

by Anonymousreply 2508/31/2012

"The guy who owned the Samsung is a social media director and uses the thing all day long for work. We're all professionals in our 30s, not mindless, yapping kids."

And yet, the group is for watching movies, not for feeling superior over 'yapping kids' because you're all 'professionals'.

It's a group that came together through facebook? Just drop contact if it's really bothering you. One of the first pieces of advice given to old depressed people on here is "Join a group, make new friends". OP demonstrates how that is not always a good idea.

by Anonymousreply 2608/31/2012

[quote]It's going to change over time, the attitude about technology that is. I'm of the 'advanced' age of 47 and been around technology since I was a kid, from electronics and radio to big iron computers and now smartphones that have more capacity than some of that big iron.

And I can see the next wave coming on the horizon.

Lucifer, as one whose posts I've found succinct, you have disappointed me. I too have been around technology since i was a kid, and still am, working in IT since 1983.

The BIG wave right now is the "Cloud." Wow. It's exactly what we had in 1983 - client/server - without the wires but with wireless convenience on smaller devices that have no real creative software and with huge profits for the industry. That's why OP thinks he "needs" one. Obviously, to get laid. But folks got laid in the era of telephones they dialed with a pencil.

Personally, I do fine with my desktop and laptop with the software that makes the programs that OP uses on his "smartphone." I own a simple cell phone.

It does sound like this older man is cock blocking and annoying the 30-somethings in their "movie group." I'm sure OP is interested in cinema, and I'm also sure he wants to get to know some of his movie group partners more intimately. So, OP why not just keep this ancient guy as a friend, and get on with seducing your age-mates?

by Anonymousreply 2708/31/2012

OP, is it okay to have a dissenting opinion about the movies you discuss, or does everyone have to agree whether they liked the film, didn't like it, etc?

by Anonymousreply 2808/31/2012

OP, I agree with your friends. You need to cut him loose before they get so annoyed they want to kick you out too. He's trying to insinuate himself into a crowd that he doesn't really belong in. It's not a fit. Let him find some other old cranks to go to the movies with. You shouldn't have to babysit him.

by Anonymousreply 3008/31/2012

OP, you're 29th post should have been your first. Now that I can see the entire situation more clearly, I have to say that I agree with r30. The man sounds like an incredible divo. Since the purpose of the group is casual, fun meeting for a shared interest, Clint's behavior indicates he is way too "high maintenance" for such a loosely connected group. Btw, before anyone can ask, I'm 56.

by Anonymousreply 3108/31/2012

Thanks, R31. I'm letting DL's eldercranks get to me. I have to remember that some people here have no friends, no careers and no social lives and are threatened by those who do.

by Anonymousreply 3208/31/2012

I'm turning 57 in a month, and own an iPhone, an iPad, an Android, a massively fast PC, and a gamer laptop. I much prefer communicating by email and Facebook to the telephone UNLESS it's something emotional, in which case electronic media will fuck it all up because one cannot communicate nuance and heart very well in such a sterile medium.

I'm not big on the current pop music scene with a very few exceptions, but neither are most of my friends, who range in age from their 40s to their early 20s.

Clint sounds depressed, especially if he is being rude to waiters and doesn't try to fit into your conversations. I would, with one or two friends from the group, take him out for a drink and compassionately ask him how he's doing because he has seemed a little "off" lately and you're worried about him. He will, of course, ask what you mean, in which case you can discuss his recent behaviors, though I would do it as if they were examples of something wrong, not as if they were issues in and of themselves.

If he is not forthcoming and doesn't change his ways, I would invite him to every other outing, then every third, and then only once in a great while. Attrition is a marvelous way of softening the blow to him, and easing any guilt you might feel (though I don't think you deserve to feel any). It is wholly appropriate for you to cut him off from your social gatherings, though I would try to do it gradually so it doesn't become some huge event for any of you.

by Anonymousreply 3308/31/2012

"That's how a lot people act when they get old."

Actually- no. That is how people of any age can act when they are unhappy. Most people as they grow older mellow and have an easier time dealing with people of all ages. There are exceptions of course.

Too bad that some on this thread, like the OP, think this is a problem associated with older people. Then again, a professor told me in college years ago that the most prejudiced and narrow minded as a rule were the young, because of course they have not learned and grown out of it yet- and she of course said there were exceptions. I was young at the time and realized what she meant. Not so much political conservatism (but could be), but rather a certain inflexibility and certainty that older people grow out of by relaxing. You kind of have too if you want to remain sane.

Anyway, this is another one of those snarky threads. The OP is opening the door for his particular labels and generalities (and prejudices) because of an uphappy older fellow in his click.

by Anonymousreply 3408/31/2012

R8, I'm only 31, a Stanford grad, have a great job, considered a pretty good catch (both face and body) and live a full life with a large number of friends...and I also do not see the need for a smartphone. Don't have one, don't need one, don't want one.

by Anonymousreply 3508/31/2012

As usual, Charlie completely and totally misses the point. (Also, has Charlie ever admitted he was wrong about anything here? Ever?)

Also, R35, that's nice for you. But because you don't have a use for a smartphone, no one else should?

by Anonymousreply 3608/31/2012

That's your point of view R36. There are about 20 polite and civil ways to handle an unhappy person who is moving against the grain of a like thinking social group. I am addressing an assumption of the OP's that I think is entirely false and reflects a prejudice. I quote "an elderly gay problem". His problem has an easy solution that has nothing to do with age- rather, the OP seems kind of clueless, or a provacateur.

by Anonymousreply 3708/31/2012

I completely disagree R33. If I were Clint I would be highly insulted at being patronized in such a fashion. He might be a jerk, but he's not stupid. "Oh, what's wrong honey, you seem depressed?" Barf. I'd be like, "WTF, no I'm not depressed, I'm just a guy who's lived a long time; I know myself and what I like and what I don't. Get to the fucking point. You don't want me in your group, fine, I'll find another one."

And none of the painfully slow ostracism. Dear God, the guy isn't getting any younger, let him cut his losses and move on. Be a man, OP, rip off the BandAid. Just lay it out for Clint--tell him to shape up or he won't be invited to be in the group anymore.

by Anonymousreply 3808/31/2012

[quote] There is the social media director, a few media people, a few political wonks and a couple other random people.

You are starting to sound most unappealing, OP.

Nevertheless, if Clint will only accept invitations by phone, then make sure that you are too busy to ring. Send an email with the details and apologise for not being able to ring. Clint will probably start to attend less and he might start to reflect on how much he does or doesn't enjoy the evenings.

It's not an eldergay issue - it's about someone who seems to be demanding and about you always fulfilling his demands.

by Anonymousreply 3908/31/2012

[quote]Thanks, [R31]. I'm letting DL's eldercranks get to me. I have to remember that some people here have no friends, no careers and no social lives and are threatened by those who do.

Yet posting on DL and going to a film group rather than out with friends. How soon you'll become like Clint.

by Anonymousreply 4008/31/2012

Is Clint's last name Buchanan Op? If so watch out for a shotgun when you cut him loose.

by Anonymousreply 4108/31/2012

[quote]You are starting to sound most unappealing, OP.

I'm sorry you don't approve of my friends.

by Anonymousreply 4208/31/2012

I've decided to just bite the bullet and tell him straight up that he's making everyone else uncomfortable.

I'm going to call him and suggest we go out for a drink at some point over the long weekend. I actually did just trying calling him now, but he didn't answer his phone, and he doesn't have an answering machine (or call waiting).

by Anonymousreply 4308/31/2012

This thread has nothing to do with eldergays.

There are always a couple of people in any social group that behave this way. He may now explain it away because of the wisdom of his age but he probably acted the same way 20 years ago. Punch. and. delete.

As this is a film group there are probably many others with knowledge of many types of film so it will be no big loss.

by Anonymousreply 4408/31/2012

No not all old people act this way but A LOT do. Iv'e seen it. At least the OP is trying to be sensitive to the guy and his feelings.

by Anonymousreply 4508/31/2012

Is it me or does OP just seem sort of ... clueless?

by Anonymousreply 4608/31/2012

OP = Clint

by Anonymousreply 4708/31/2012

R45, you are clueless. As most people grow older they become more interested in what other people think and more tolerant. I've seen it.

It's typically asswipes in their 30's who suddenly think they know it all and find out the truth later.

by Anonymousreply 4808/31/2012

[quote] Is it me or does OP just seem sort of ... clueless?

Clueless? Desperate?

Why would you choose to go out for one-on-one drinks on a long weekend with someone you don't like!

by Anonymousreply 4908/31/2012

Funny how people like OP always claim to flee drama when they're always courting it. I'm sure as soon as the bitchy eldergay fades into the background, OP and his sisterwives will find somebody else to target.

by Anonymousreply 5008/31/2012

r50 nailed it.

by Anonymousreply 5108/31/2012

Give it a rest, R50. I feel bad for this guy. Everyone else just wants him gone.

I did get him on the phone and I'm off to meet him at his favorite old-fart gay bar. My partner thinks this whole thing is hilarious.

by Anonymousreply 5208/31/2012

Don't let them get rid of him OP, no matter how much they want him gone. If you do, next it will be you.

by Anonymousreply 5308/31/2012

OP's movie group is like Survivor.

by Anonymousreply 5408/31/2012

What city are you in OP? Your movie group sounds fun.

by Anonymousreply 5508/31/2012

OP's probably out of the group if he fails in his mission.

by Anonymousreply 5608/31/2012

OP: We are very sorry, but you just don't fit in. You are an old annoyance.

Eldergay: But I was just voicing my opinion and that waiter spilled beer on me!

OP: The tribe has spoken.

eldergay: Fuck you all.

by Anonymousreply 5709/01/2012

First they came for the effeminates, and I did not speak out--

because I was not effeminate;

Then they came for the leather queens, and I did not speak out--

because I was not a leather queen;

Then they came for the eldergays, and I did not speak out--

because I was not an eldergay;

Then they came for me--

and there was no one left to speak out for me.

by Anonymousreply 5809/01/2012

OP, maybe he needs a good fucking. I think you should stick your dick in him and give him a thorough pounding. If he's still a douchebag after that, then he's a hopeless case and you should eject him from the group.

by Anonymousreply 5909/01/2012

I'd be more assertive. If you like him, if you value his opinion (on films), let him know it, but step in quickly on the occasion that he gets off track and everyone else is staring at the mad man.

"Damn, Clint, we'll never be able to come back here after you've berated the waiter."

"Next week I'm going to be out of town so John will email you the details of our next meeting. You know what to do. And we'll look forward to seeing you then." (If he reads emails but doesn't respond, leave it at that: you've given him the details, he can either show up or not; I'm sure he could even reply by email if he had a serious question. - The flip side of this is choose a plan and stick to it; don't change the film three times and the time twice, and the place to meet once.)

When someone, say Clint, hogs the conversation and turns it into a one-sided lecture against smart phones or too thin towels or dogs and urban trees: "Well, we've gotten way off track for some time now but if I might interject, let's get back to talking about the film, shall we?"

by Anonymousreply 6009/01/2012

I went out to meet him last night for a drink and he never showed.

I'm assuming he'll call me today, but I haven't heard from him yet.

by Anonymousreply 6109/01/2012

He sounds like a flake, OP, but I still think you need to see if you can fuck the cranky out of him.

by Anonymousreply 6209/01/2012

I'm NOT going to have sex with him.

by Anonymousreply 6309/01/2012

It seems pretty obvious that you could just let Clint know about the situation, introduce him to a like-minded community of cranky old queens, and convince him of the value of modern technology by pointing him to the DL.

by Anonymousreply 6409/01/2012

Maybe at your next get-together, you can put an empty chair next to him that he can lecture.

by Anonymousreply 6509/01/2012

[quote] I'm assuming he'll call me today, but I haven't heard from him yet.

Doormat.

by Anonymousreply 6609/01/2012

OP here.

After Clint never showed up for drinks, I re-read this thread and decided to just say fuck it and cut off contact with him and just move on. I haven't called him since my post at R52.

Our movie group met a few weeks ago and it was fun, like it used to be. Casual and fun. I thought, well, I made the right decision.

But this morning I woke up to find six messages on my phone, starting at 2:54 a.m. and ending almost an hour later. It was Clint and he was clearly drunk and possibly on something else.

The first message was semi-friendly. He said he knew the group had met without him and he was upset, but wanted to know if he'd done something wrong. It started to unravel from there.

Over the next few messages, Clint proceeded to go through each person in the group and tell me what he really thought of them. He called EVERY one of us "fat (something)." Like "fat Jew," "fat fag," "fat fucker." The guy he called a fat Jew isn't even Jewish (he's Italian).

He said a lot more offensive stuff, but the takeaway point here is that he was insanely drunk and clearly has some serious issues.

Now, I'm not sure if I should do something or not. My first reaction is to just delete and move on once again. At the same time, this did feel like a cry for help, or a cry for something.

Any thoughts?

by Anonymousreply 6709/29/2012

OP keeps using the word "old" so much that he is either a dick or a troll (or both).

by Anonymousreply 6809/29/2012

Just move on, OP. He sounds very unstable. Block his number and move on. If he shows up, tell him to leave. If he makes a scene, call the police. Don't engage. He's crazy. Sorry I suggested you sleep with him. He clearly has more problems than what a good fuck can fix.

by Anonymousreply 6909/29/2012

OP, we've moved on.

by Anonymousreply 7009/29/2012

Why would Clint start leaving messages when he is so opposed to, and clueless about, mobile phones and answering machines?

I think that someone (OP?) has murdered Clint and is now trying to leave false clues.

by Anonymousreply 7109/29/2012

R68, OP is probably using the word old becuse that's what the guy is. His age is showing.

by Anonymousreply 7209/29/2012

Sounds like you "fat ____" boys need to lay off the popcorn at the next feature.

by Anonymousreply 7309/29/2012

So, the real reason Clint was angry all this time was that he was stuck hanging out with a bunch of fat fucks that talked about smartphones too much? Can't say I blame the guy.

by Anonymousreply 7409/29/2012

Someone still on Facebook has no business criticizing anyone for not keeping up with the times.

by Anonymousreply 7509/29/2012

Him not showing for drinks is your excuse for the group just going ahead and meeting without him.

I hated your tone in your original post, but yeah, Clint sounds like a cunt. Punch and delete.

Find a new fun eldergay.

by Anonymousreply 7609/29/2012

OP here. I hadn't heard a word from Clint for months. Our movie group has continued on without him, and everyone agrees it's much better.

That said, I ran into Clint this afternoon. I was out for lunch with some friends and he was sitting at the bar alone, at 1 in the afternoon, looking drunk as shit.

by Anonymousreply 7712/08/2012

Don't worry he will probably kill himself soon. I am sure you will never be old and lonely. You and the group have adopted a subtle group saying not directed at him. "OK everyone, let's keep it positive today,no negative talk" Made it sort of a joke. He might have picked up on that.

by Anonymousreply 7812/08/2012

I know youngpeople like that too. Hardly an "eldergay" problem.

by Anonymousreply 7912/08/2012

How does it feel to ostracize a man and drive him to his death, OP?

by Anonymousreply 8012/08/2012

*marimba ringing sound*

OP: (picking up phone) "Hello?"

CLINT: (at other end of connection) "HISSSSSSSSS!"

by Anonymousreply 8112/08/2012

OP, don't leave us hanging. You ran into Clint at a restaurant, and...? Did you two speak? Did he say anything about his behavior, which, despite criticism of you from the usual Data Lounge jackasses, is extremely antagonistic? I for one think you were much too forgiving of him, but I was curious about whether he finally realized that he was his own worst enemy.

by Anonymousreply 8212/08/2012

R82, I noticed him sitting at the bar near the end of our meal. I have no idea how long he was there, or if he saw me, but I didn't approach him.

by Anonymousreply 8312/08/2012

Is this restaurant a regular hangout of yours? Because I wonder if Clint has been parking himself there night after night in hope of running into you. I've known people to do things like that when they want to reconnect but need to create an "accidental" hookup. It's a sad tale, no doubt, but, aside from Clint's other capers, when you leave multiple phone messages after midnight, you are truly crossing a line.

by Anonymousreply 8412/09/2012

[quote]That said, I ran into Clint this afternoon. I was out for lunch with some friends and he was sitting at the bar alone, at 1 in the afternoon, looking drunk as shit.

OP, look what YOU'VE DONE TO ME! My life is RUINED because of YOU and your ASSHOLE BITCHY-BOTTOM FRIENDS!!!

by Anonymousreply 8512/09/2012

Best thread in a long tome.

by Anonymousreply 8612/09/2012

[quote]He called EVERY one of us "fat (something)."

Oh dear. A group of blubberbubbas practising exclusion isn't pretty.

by Anonymousreply 8712/09/2012

R87 is 87 years old.

by Anonymousreply 8812/09/2012

Blubberbubbas?

Is that slang from the 1920s?

by Anonymousreply 8912/09/2012

OP, all you really want from us is validation to kick the man out so you won't have any guilty feelings. I bet the old man didn't stand a chance in your group because he was "different" (age). Go ahead and kick him out. Just be thankful it's not you being excluded this time.

by Anonymousreply 9012/09/2012

OP, if you kill yourself now, you won't have an eldergay problem!

by Anonymousreply 9112/09/2012

R90, did you even read the thread?

by Anonymousreply 9212/09/2012

Here's what R91 wrote in the Charlie Brown thread:

[quote]It only took 45 posts for the young faggots to arrive!

by Anonymousreply 9312/09/2012
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