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Just not interested in life

Anyone else feel this way? I feel like I've experienced everything life has to offer, and it's always a struggle. The good things are never good enough, they don't last long, and they're always outnumbered by the bad things.

I'm just...not interested. I'd like to leave, but there's no fool-proof way out that isn't painful. I don't know what I'll do. I'm seeing a therapist, but I haven't brought this up because I don't seem to feel quite this way all the time, and never during our sessions. But now I am. He even said in a recent session that "being happy" (which I mentioned as my goal) as not always being possible, but that it is possible to be less miserable. And I thought "What the hell is the point?"

I mean, people don't ask to be born. If I'd been given a preview before birth and been asked if I wanted to born, I honestly think I would've said "No thanks."

by Anonymousreply 17311/17/2014

I know, r6! Are these types of threads now a regular feature of Datalounge?

by Anonymousreply 908/08/2012

You could always go to Switzerland. You can legally kill yourself there with help (to make sure it works). I think about killing myself every single day thanks to a crippling health condition...but when I envision going to Switzerland and actually downing the little poison drink they give you, I just don't think I could do it. I don't have the balls to do something so final. I can always think of ONE MORE thing I want to do before I die (and they're little things, like pig out on Moose Tracks). Anyone who says suicide is the easy way out has NOT dealt with such a decision before. There's nothing easy about it.

by Anonymousreply 1008/08/2012

OP I can honestly relate to how you feel. Much of my frustration stems from the way we treat each other - whether it be making fun of, oppressing, taking advantage of, inconsideration, etc.

I agree with your therapist that it's not always possible to be happy. However, I'm learning through meditation that being content is really the goal for me; living in the moment rather than dwelling in the past or on the future. I think this also involves finding something that you love to do regardless of how obscure or odd you may think it sounds; don't judge it. I think that's one way to remind yourself of what is important to you. Sometimes I think we limit our true selves because we're too concerned with what other people think or how we'll be perceived; if that makes any sense.

by Anonymousreply 1108/08/2012

Perfect sense, R11!

by Anonymousreply 1208/08/2012

I'm with you, OP. What is the point? I know I'm very bright, and have been told I'm attractive; yet I've never done anything to make a "success" of my life. I'm underemployed, I have almost no friends, my family is scattered. I have overwhelming debt and I'm always broke from paying my bills; I take no pleasure in anything and am apathetic about the future. If I was offered the chance to "un-exist", or never to have been born, I would take it. Yet I know I will never commit suicide; I just keep plodding along. Why?

by Anonymousreply 1608/08/2012

While I do agree with R14 in some of his statements, his presentation will only hasten the deaths of OP and his friends. People avoid pessimists, but they absolutely despise unbridled optimists.

You have a partner, OP? You have so much more than many here already... That should be enough to give you pause.

by Anonymousreply 1708/08/2012

I don't mean to be crass, but how's your stuff? Last time I took a dead DL OP's stuff I was stuck with a truckload of crap that I had to pay to have hauled away. Any mid century modern, art deco or art nouveau originals? Watches? Art?

by Anonymousreply 1808/08/2012

CBT! Stat!

by Anonymousreply 1908/08/2012

This might sound weird but i agree with Friedrich Nietzsche:

“The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night”

To me that particular thought tells me I can always leave this bullsh!t (life, suffering etc.)behind anytime I'm fed up.. It is like an escape route, and makes me feel safe.

So hang in there. One day at a time. Remember "WE" are NOT SUPPOSED to be or do anything. Living is enough.

Lillies of the field, birds in the air.........

by Anonymousreply 2008/08/2012

R14 doesn't seem to understand depression.

by Anonymousreply 2108/08/2012

r20 here, Forgot to say I struggle with suicidal thoughts all the time. That is why the Nietzsche quote helps me.

by Anonymousreply 2208/08/2012

It's early onset Parkinson's. Get yourself to a doctor OP, you need some help with your dopamine.

by Anonymousreply 2308/08/2012

[quote]So hang in there. One day at a time. Remember "WE" are NOT SUPPOSED to be or do anything. Living is enough.

I agree with this; but it's hard to live by in America.

by Anonymousreply 2408/08/2012

Just don't get on the anti-depression drug Effexor. It will make you fat!

by Anonymousreply 2708/08/2012

OP always remember, we are only visitors to this planet. None of us stays all that long. Deliberately ending ones stay only messes things up for those doing their time.

by Anonymousreply 2808/08/2012

I've been struggling with this for a while now. Been going through a very rocky couple of years. Lost my mother a year ago, injured my back while I was cleaning out her place, lost my job, had major financial issues--wiped out all my savings and was down to my last $45 when I got offered a job in March. I've been living in persistent pain for over a year and started with some other health issues. About a month ago doctor raised the possibility of cancer. Need to come up with 4K just to have the necessary tests. Just getting out of bed is a struggle. Don't get enough sleep due to the pain.

Worst part is there are so many things I want to be doing and enjoy doing, but the pain makes it extremely difficult. It seriously has sucked the life out of me and we've not been able to find anything that works to relieve it.

by Anonymousreply 2908/08/2012

How lethal is Xanax? How much would I have to take to make sure I didn't wake up or just become a vegetable or some shit? That's the only thing that really stops me from taking a bunch of pills. It might not work and I'd just be a vegetable or something.

by Anonymousreply 3008/08/2012

r29 how do you work with persistent pain? Did you get a diagnosis? Also, how's your weight? I've found being heavier seems to amplify every little ache and pain. Is it possible for you to exercise? if it's joint pain, can you swim? Getting your heart rate up on a regular basis can work wonders in some people.

by Anonymousreply 3108/08/2012

I still have bad days. Then I realized that looking for beauty is the answer. There is beauty in nature all around you. Step outside of yourself and just think of others and you will see that a lot of us are struggling and we can get through this together.

by Anonymousreply 3208/08/2012

Someone told me that if you want to kill yourself with pills, you have to eat a bunch of peanut butter along with them. Apparently the peanut butter prevents you from throwing them back up.

by Anonymousreply 3308/08/2012

R32 is right. I hate unbridled nature - people who love hiking, camping, and mountain climbing are bizarre to me - but the presence of other life can make a big difference in one's mood and outlook.

by Anonymousreply 3408/08/2012

Unisom seems to be the most lethal sleeping pill to take. I would use a gun, but I am afraid that if I shot myself in the head, I would mess up and still be alive.

I go online though and read "how to's" when it comes to killing yourself. That's where I learned about Unisom.

by Anonymousreply 3508/08/2012

Yes, I'm lonely. My partner hates me and wants me to leave, but won't admit it. I have no friends. I only work a few months out of the year and after so many years of doing that, am probably unemployable. I never finished college, so any job I could get, I'd probably hate.

I don't care if other people have a hard time with my death. They never *really* cared about me, no matter how much they might protest. Or they might have at one time, but my problems (which are hardly my fault) became too much for them to tolerate. Well, now they're too much for me to tolerate.

If I had money, maybe I could go someplace that would help me get better.

by Anonymousreply 3608/08/2012

Isn't Unisom an OTC sleep aid? I would've thought anything they sold OTC wouldn't do shit.

by Anonymousreply 3708/08/2012

Counselors used to give me simplistic answers to dealing with life's constant disappointments, especially the financial ones. A county psychiatrist forced me to take meds; made me incapable of getting out of bed. I'd only take them again if that's the ONLY way I could live; I've never been suicidal. Very difficult to get the right med and the right dose. Of course both answers were completely wrong for me. You see OP many of us feel disconnected and alone and "different." Why do you think so many take drugs, get drunk daily, overeat, ANYTHING to make themselves feel better and emotionally cope? Instead of the standard answers that most counselors and well-meaning "friends" provide, you need to find something in life to do daily that makes YOU happy, even if you have to spend the rest of your life trying to find out what that thing is. And try to get daily exercise in the mean time.

by Anonymousreply 3808/08/2012

R31, it's not easy working in constant pain. I've been diagnosed for the back issue and there are not a lot of options. I've got a decent chiropractor who does wonders when one of my joints pops and he can get me up and going again fairly quickly. The constant in the background pain is very difficult to deal with. Doctors gave tired me on just about everything and we haven't found anything that stops the pain. I've been told I need to learn to live with it by 2 different doctors.

I'm sure my weight isn't helping. I've packed on the pounds since this all developed--almost 40 pounds in 2 years. I used to hike and bike all the time, but it's really difficult. Don't know how to swim. Have a real phobia about water after nearly drowning as a kid.

I'm a mess. It really kills me not to be able to do the stuff I enjoy and the longer this goes on, the less interested in life I become.

by Anonymousreply 3908/08/2012

Here I am, brain the size of a planet...

by Anonymousreply 4008/08/2012

High levels of diphenhydramine found in Unisom cause death.

by Anonymousreply 4108/08/2012

Go help some people or animals that need it. There are plenty of needy folks and creatures out there. You'd be surprised how great it makes you feel and how thankful you will find yourself feeling.

by Anonymousreply 4208/08/2012

I currently work in that type of field, R42. It doesn't really help - if at all.

by Anonymousreply 4308/08/2012

R39, I sympathize with those living in pain. I was paid for participation in a Vegas pain study. Received a monthly injection. Had zero side effects, and did not bother my delicate stomach. Cut my need for sleep by 3/4 and had so much more energy. Designed for those with minor arthritis, apparently the drug blocked my ability to feel my lifelong low-level pain. Pfizer stopped the study because someone somewhere had a negative reaction. Other study patients were literally hysterical at the loss of their "miracle cure." Tried contacting Pfizer myself; no response.

by Anonymousreply 4408/08/2012

After a talk with my partner where he assured me that he doesn't hate and doesn't want to dump me, I feel somewhat better. He is like Jekyll & Hyde sometimes. He can be very sweet at times, but if I say or do the wrong thing, he becomes very cold and I feel like nothing I can do will ever be good enough.

Yes, I know we need to be in couples therapy. My therapist has suggested it more than once.

by Anonymousreply 4508/08/2012

R45, what else is making you suicidal besides boyfriend issues?

by Anonymousreply 4608/08/2012

R45, why don't you go to couples therapy?

by Anonymousreply 4708/08/2012

No, I don't relate to this at all. There is so much to see and do I don't think I would get bored in 50 lifetimes. I feel like a sponge and I just want to drink in life. Here are a few things to get you started OP:

Travel, read, go to museums and movies, visit the beach at sunrise/set, try on-line dating, take a college course, learn a new skill, work on your family tree (genealogy), adopt a pet, become a big brother/sister, take up cooking or gardening, go to church, join a book group, volunteer, walk/jog/hike/bike, visit a winery, start a craft/hobby.

by Anonymousreply 4808/08/2012

OP, I've been hospitalized twice for suicide attempts, and diagnosed with major depressive disorder. My bouts with depression were as bad as it can possibly get, and if I can make it through the darkness, anybody can, including you.

You said you haven't discussed these thoughts with your therapist; that's a mistake. You have to be brutally honest with the people who are helping you. It's the only way to get out of the state you're in.

A lot of DLers here are psych anti-medication, but fuck that. You may need meds and it might take a while to find the appropriate medication for your situation. Don't let the naysayers tell you otherwise. Those same naysayers have no problem with people taking medication for their other medical problems, but the minute people say they are on meds for a mental illness, the DL anti-mental health brigade chimes in and denigrates them.

For many people, there is only so much cognitive behaviour therapy, exercise, holistic medicine, etc., can do. Some of us have damaged brains and we need meds, end of story. For anyone out there who is suffering, don't let social stigmas interfere with your healing. Just ignore the naysayers and do what your doctor and you think is best.

So yeah, OP, this is something that you can fix and you can enjoy life once again.

by Anonymousreply 4908/08/2012

R46, most of the issues with my boyfriend stem from my job situation. Without divulging too much info, I've been working seasonally (roughly half the year) for the past few years; at this point, with the economy the way it is, I feel that I am pretty much unemployable. My boyfriend thinks I can just go out there and get a job if I really want to.

That ties in to the other cause of my suicidal feelings - I've never had a real career and have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't think I'm talented enough or disciplined enough to do anything, which is part of the reason I'm in therapy.

by Anonymousreply 5008/08/2012

"go to church"

I was with R48 until she said that. (She must be a straight female.) But yes, she is correct, with the exception of the North Korean-style collective religioning, the hiking, and the biking.

It can be easy to get down sometimes, OP. Luckily for us, though, life can be fascinating - you just have to start searching for the parts that bring you joy.

by Anonymousreply 5108/08/2012

OP, I think what your therapist meant when he said we can't always be happy is that happiness for everyone is fleeting. If it wasn't, we wouldn't know what to call it or how to identify it. It's sort of like the seasons---you always appreciate the springtime after a long cold winter. But if it was always springtime, you would take the mild weather for granted. It's the ups and downs of life that keep things interesting. The good times are so much sweeter because we have experienced both pain and joy.

You can't be deliriously happy all the time. It is not our natural state. The best you can hope for in a "happy" life is overall contentment with intermittent bouts of elation and sorrow.

by Anonymousreply 5208/08/2012

OP, have a less miserable day! :|

by Anonymousreply 5308/08/2012

Yes, R51, church. Or synagogue, mosque, whatever. Lots of people find happiness and peace through spirituality.

by Anonymousreply 5408/08/2012

Yes, but lots of people also find incredible sorrow and even death through religion and spirituality - especially when it's enforced or overly encouraged by others. Just let him find something less controversial.

by Anonymousreply 5508/08/2012

[quote] Some of us have damaged brains and we need meds, end of story

If you find meds help you, great. Nobody thinks you should stop.

But why do you think you have a 'damaged brain'? Where did that idea come from, and did you question whether it has any basis in scientific/medical fact?

by Anonymousreply 5608/08/2012

I would have said no thanks. There were times when I could have died but I didn't. So here I am and I realize, anything good, has already happened and the day to day's not worth it.

by Anonymousreply 5708/08/2012

Disneyland (the happiest place on earth) is fun to visit on occasion. But it stops being fun if you have to be there every day.

To put it another way, life can't be one long orgasm. If that's your standard, you need to learn to enjoy the simple pleasures of life and not be bummed that everything isn't always perfect, because it never will be no matter how charmed you life is.

Being happy and content has more to do with an optimistic attitude and less to do with how outside forces control your life.

by Anonymousreply 5808/08/2012

To the person with back pain, I'm sorry.

I don't know how we are suppose to manage life without healthcare but apparently Republicans think we should either accept our health problems, or just kill ourselves. I'm fairly sure they prefer that we just kill ourselves.

by Anonymousreply 5908/08/2012

When a person loses all hope that things might get's hard to find a reason to go on. But you go on because of family and friends. But sometimes you see that your friends and family are also trapped in hard times, you start to wonder...

by Anonymousreply 6208/08/2012

Always look on the bright side of life....

by Anonymousreply 6308/08/2012

I think I know R14/R60.

If he is who I think he is, then he's an arrogant, bloviating, control-freak windbag who thinks he knows everything and loves to preach at people he thinks will benefit from his hubris-filled sermonizing.

by Anonymousreply 6408/08/2012

I truly appreciate those who have been encouraging and shared their similar struggles. With that said...

R61, that's a load of Oprah-fied horse shit. People are generally, for better or worse, victims of their environments, upbringing, genetics, and random chance. "Free will" has very little to do with anything that happens. People who think they control the universe with their thoughts are delusional New Age fruitcakes.

If I'm being this cunty, then I must be feeling better!

by Anonymousreply 6508/08/2012

agree with r61. You can't control everything outside yourself, you can only control how you react to things, and what you think. It is impossible to improve your situation as long as you continue to believe in and listen to these negative thoughts about yourself. Change is possible, but not if you keep dragging yourself down.

A lot of us have gay PTSD, we are traumatized and damaged from being raised with so much hostility. It's important to lot let it spill into how we perceive ourselves.

by Anonymousreply 6608/08/2012

R67, fuck off and go watch OWN.

by Anonymousreply 6908/08/2012

R14/R61/R67/R68= Oprah Winfrey Life Class troll. You and your capital letters can fuck right off.

by Anonymousreply 7008/08/2012

of course i meant "important to NOT let it spill into how we perceive ourselves."

by Anonymousreply 7208/08/2012

r69/r70, How is your hostility helping your depression?


by Anonymousreply 7408/08/2012

Very well, tyvm.

by Anonymousreply 7508/08/2012

This is my new philosophy.

by Anonymousreply 7608/08/2012

Your new philosophy is part of the problem, r76. So is your anger.

The fact that you can even watch youtube videos on a computer makes you more fortunate than many of your fellow humans on this planet. but sadly gratitude seems out of reach for you at the moment.

by Anonymousreply 7708/08/2012

One word Booze.

It's great you spin around and around and all your problems are solved.

by Anonymousreply 7808/09/2012

[quote]If he is who I think he is, then he's an arrogant, bloviating, control-freak windbag who thinks he knows everything and loves to preach at people he thinks will benefit from his hubris-filled sermonizing.

You mean he's Andrew Sullivan?

by Anonymousreply 7908/09/2012

r44: tell us more about the drug you trialled.


by Anonymousreply 8008/09/2012

[quote]I am sure that each of you have something WONDERFUL to bring to the planet, to others. Everyone who is born has something to contribute.

I can't think of a single thing that I have to offer.

by Anonymousreply 8108/12/2012

My greatest fear in life is that I become a bitter elsdergay who defines his life by his pets or emotionally distant partner. I'll commit suicide before I choose that life.

by Anonymousreply 8208/12/2012

Pets are nice. I wish I had one.

Doesn't matter...elder straight or gay is usually boring and worrying over your health in a country that doesn't actually provide affordable healthcare. It's a bitch. Suicide is probably a better choice except there are people who depend on you.

by Anonymousreply 8308/12/2012

Wow, I could have written that 10 years ago, OP. But one day the negativity... just stopped.

But I'm with poster #2; I have pets now and I'm responsible for their welfare. The boonchkins keep me focused.

by Anonymousreply 8408/12/2012

Eat turkey, peas, and eggs every day OP. Tryptophan is used by the body to build dopamine, and you could use some.

by Anonymousreply 8508/12/2012

I agree. But maybe not to the fullest extent. I can't sleep at night due to negative thoughts and I get frustrated that its the worlds will that you have to "work hard" in life. I'm not ambitious at all and would be quite happy to drift though life then die. But what is everyone's obsession with judging you if your not as successful or if your lazy or have bad traits? People will say that it's really bad if you don't have a job/ relationship ect. But who are we to decide if that's bad or not? Anyone can do what they want with thier own lives. The more time you get to actually think, the unhappier you will be. Because you will always be trying to live up to the standards of those who are judging!

by Anonymousreply 8601/28/2013

I feel exactly like you. I am a woman, 58 with plenty of investments and liquidity to keep me more than comfortable for 25 years plus.

I was very beautiful when I was young. Life came quit easy for me. But, I wasn't just a sidepiece. I graduated fro Duke University with an undergrad degree in economics, and then earned my MBA from Wharton.

Now I feel like a 40 year old woman in a 70 year old body. I have tried outreach work, philanthropy and copious prescription drugs and alcohol to numb the emptiness. I have no living family, to destroy by ending my life. I have no heirs to pass my Charitable Trust to. I figure I can hang in about another 4-6 months, but honestly I would go tomorrow if it could be done discretely.

by Anonymousreply 8701/28/2013

You need to find a way to get outside your head and into the outside environment. Volunteer work with animals and the disabled helped me to heal from depression. Maybe this can help you too?

by Anonymousreply 8801/28/2013


Why don't you find a partner? Travel? Join some sort of community, which is so important to being human, but for some reason, so rare in America.

My mother is your age, financially stable, but feeling adrift. I finally, after months, convinced her to go to Europe--she has a crippling fear of planes, so has never been. Now that she has her reservations for a two-month trip, transatlantic cruise ship both ways, she's excited, calling me too many times a day to ask questions, packing and unpacking, etc.

by Anonymousreply 8901/28/2013

thank you my friend I am not even certain if you were responding to me, but in case you were, I wanted you to know that I own and oversee a large kill-free animal shelter sanctuary on 25 acres in the south. What little happiness I get tends to come from saving any and all animals from abuse and suffering. And I have made firm legal arrangements to continue the sanctuary after I an gone.

Perhaps the one issue which tears my guts apart so unbearably is that I was privileged and lived a life that outsiders would imagine the'd envy. Why can't I appreciate what I have? Sickeningly I am ashamed to say that the loss of youth and all that comes with it has left me a hollow shell. That reeks of self importance, but dammit it's the truth. ty again

by Anonymousreply 9001/28/2013


But what exactly came with the loss of youth?

by Anonymousreply 9101/28/2013

You haven't lived until you've experienced the full circle of life from cradle to dust. That's what you came here to do.

by Anonymousreply 9201/28/2013

This is how I feel most days. I'm still really young and have more opportunities than most, but I feel like life is such a unrewarding experience and that dying now would prevent future suffering.

Sometimes I think about stopping my anti-depressants just so I can sink into a deep(er) depression and off myself. Even when I'm happy, I have this recurring thought.

by Anonymousreply 9301/28/2013

It seems I'm not the only one...

by Anonymousreply 9411/10/2014


If you're still with us, (or anyone else) I'd like to know the answer to r91 as well.

by Anonymousreply 9511/10/2014

As Meadow Soprano once said to Anthony Jr., OP, you've got to learn to filter stuff out.

We live in a mediated world which bombards us with messages which produce anxiety, and a sense of helplessness. If you are in robust mental health, you can shrug a lot of that off. But if you are predisposed to low mood, then please try to avoid news media, and negative, bitchy garbage (like many of the threads on DL) for a few months and see if that helps to stabilise you.

Make a decision to replace that type of media with more thoughtful and helpful activities - check out the 'books you are currently reading' threads for ideas, or, take up some of the activities suggested upthread.

Some gentle changes of focus may help.

Look after yourself!

by Anonymousreply 9611/10/2014

Hi OP, sorry to hear about your pain.

I've been there, and after 15 years of trying everything else, I finally enrolled in a dialectical behavior therapy program (DBT). It's a treatment that was originally developed for treating personality disorders, but is now being used much more broadly. Without a doubt, it's allowed me to break free from my daily suicidal ideation by teaching me other coping skills. I can't recommend it enough. Very best of luck.

by Anonymousreply 9711/10/2014

I really hate telling you this. Sadly...OP took his own life in 2013. I wish I could have done more to help.

by Anonymousreply 9811/10/2014

op It sounds like dysthymia, I am not sure what age you are but it's a very common condition for many. I have it and the only thing that works for me is medication. Everyone is different so if you want to feel better you will have to take some time and discover what works best for you. Best of luck, I hope that you can find a way to live with some amount of purpose and hopefully happiness.

by Anonymousreply 9911/10/2014 many people think this world is a bit like a prison cell, where we're biding our time until we die...?

I have a great life, but I don't feel "free" per se. I'm tied down by familial obligations, a mortgage, a corporate drone job....

I'd like to travel regularly but can't afford it or get the time off.

I feel like a wage slave looking forward to one day being too old to work.

I'd like to do something more creative and interesting...but instead feel like I should stay with my "safe" job that pays my bills consistently and upholds my comfy lifestyle.

I've been "institutionalized," I think...

by Anonymousreply 10011/10/2014

I am the OP of this thread (R98 is an asshole). When I first saw it, I thought I could've written it a couple of years ago, and then I realized I had written it.

A couple of months after I posted this, I entered an intensive outpatient therapy program, at my therapist's urging. I was in it for six weeks and it (and the subsequent life changes I made) helped immensely.

I still struggle with depression, but not nearly as severe as evidenced in my original post. I'm actually a little shocked reading it now. I didn't realize just how bad off I was.

by Anonymousreply 10111/10/2014

Can you say more about your treatment? What did it change about your thought patterns? What were the life changes that you made? And, how do you now manage your depression?

by Anonymousreply 10211/10/2014

R102, it was group therapy, and I was easily the least fucked-up person there, honestly. It was heavy on cognitive behavioral therapy and weekly goal-setting.

The biggest change I made was that I made some friends (NOT with the other group members) and became far more social. I'm extremely introverted, but I learned that I just can't isolate myself, which is my tendency. I try to be more physically active, which is more of a challenge. And I'm on an anti-depressant.

I'm still with my partner, but just barely. He resents the years I've struggled with depression and underemployment. I doubt we'll be together for another year, but I'll be okay.

by Anonymousreply 10511/10/2014

Also whit Isis your lifespan is will be reduced Expect to life 2 years max.

by Anonymousreply 10611/10/2014

You haven't told your therapist this? What's the point of therapy, then? Do you usually approach conversations in this cagey, witholding way? It might be why you have the relationships you have. Nobody on the other side of a conversation with you would rather you refrain from saying the things you're telling us. There's no them, OP. It's your personality that you can change (and very little else), so change it. And get a pet. Loving an animal, being responsible for an animal, changes your life. Or go read to old people. It's not going to be all Tuesdays with Morrie but that's the point. You'll meet crotchety assholes who cling to life and people full of vigor who would love it if their bodies didn't confound their desires. As others have said, get out of your own head.

One thing posted upthread that I loved was this: "Your life becomes what you think about. " Shit, I think about shitty things all day long, and that is the source of any unhappiness in my life, not the actual thought itself, but my contriving to think up shitty thoughts.

by Anonymousreply 10711/10/2014

The OP is over 2 years old. You might want to read the rest of the thread.

by Anonymousreply 10811/10/2014

R91 R95 I can say that aging has insidious aspects which can include increasing marginalization in ways you're not prepared to navigate. It can be subtle and insidious - it comes from various directions in American culture. That outside world part is coupled with our own personal mythology which came from family experience; in other words, how aging - and gender specific aging - was viewed and treated within immediate family and family class origins.

It is VERY difficult to have no living family members once you're in your 50s or 60s; the continuity of presence from people you've known since birth and/or childhood can take on a different significance at that stage in life.

It can feel like a perfect storm of increasing isolation. Overcoming that particular isolation has little to do with the emotional and psychological benefits of helping animals or people, traveling, joining social activities. And I can get how R58 is feeling that money and the security that brings doesn't necessarily prevent it.

I agree with so many offered suggestions in this thread - things suggested as actions to get outside one's head and engaged by life. If you have limited mobility due to illness/chronic pain, no car, no money for extras (like cost of gas or public transportation for other than the most basic errands) or money for any other luxuries, day to day life can get grim fast. Questioning the purpose for staying alive can arise easily in some folks who NEVER expected to feel that way; if daily quality of life is below a certain level it's really hard to sustain your resolve to keep going forward.

And not everyone has a fighting spirit to keep trying to conquer the feelings of defeat and resignation; aging can add to that in significant ways.

by Anonymousreply 10911/10/2014

Personally...I've had it.

In my mid-60's had a pretty exciting life but nothing to show for it. I never planned for old age...a fault via my father who taught me nothing and yes I know I can't really blame him...

I don't like growing older physically.

I'm estranged from my family and that isn't my fault. I take blame where it does lay but that is not someplace I am at fault.

I'm partner...yes, my responsibility but that's the way it is.

I don't see the big deal. It's my decision if I don't want to continue. A good friend figured out recently what I have been planning and want me back in therapy and anti-depressants which I was involved with for years...I'm lying to him to get him off my back but I really appreciate how sweet he is.

I am EXHAUSTED by the struggle of daily existence...and the pain....emotional and physical.

When I think of my death a wonderful sense of relief comes over me.

So I have it planned. I'm going through this holiday season for a couple of reasons and that's it.

I have good friends, lifelong friends .... but they'll get over it and go about their lives.

I just don't want this anymore and that's a decision for me to make and I am thrilled about it...

This is my conscious uncoupling with life...thanks goop!

by Anonymousreply 11011/10/2014

and R109

you put it quite succinctly...

by Anonymousreply 11111/10/2014

r110, you have an imagination. Can't you use it for your benefit just as easily as not...?

I'm going through a phase where, upon realizing I'm upset about something, I say to myself:

"I don't want to lay my old psychology on this current & neutral thing."

Sometimes it actually hurts to do this...I'm very reluctant to let go of things that hurt me.

For example, my co-workers forgot me on Friday! We had all just made plans to get lunch together (or so I thought), but when I came out of the restroom, they were all gone. Another co-worker told me they had all just left, and were somehow under the impression that I wasn't going.

I exited only to see them all driving away...

It hurt my feelings. They still don't know they "deserted" me. But, well, I had been sick for a couple days, and was on cold medicine.

Instead of dwelling in the pain, I decided that I was blame the confusion on the cold medicine...that I just didn't understand them, and "missed the boat."

Today everybody is super kind to me...I know they didn't mean to hurt me, and that they do like me. It was just a misunderstanding....nothing personal.

It's better for me to see things this way. And besides, it's was just a mistake. People make mistakes all the time.

But I will say this...I like ettiquette. It avoids these kinds of awkward situations. I'm a gracious person, adn wish other people valued ettiquette.

by Anonymousreply 11211/10/2014

I could have written R110.

by Anonymousreply 11311/10/2014

I too was incredibly depressed trying to find meaning in my life and then suddenly R16 cheered my right up by feeling the need to reference his Auntie Mame quote on this site.

by Anonymousreply 11411/10/2014

Sometimes I feel like I was never born, just dropped off.

by Anonymousreply 11511/10/2014

R110 and R113, we each have the capacity to make a valuable contribution to others, to make something meaningful of the experience of being human, which can undoubtably be an extremely painful experience.

Wishing you both the very best.

by Anonymousreply 11611/10/2014

OP, it;s made my day to read your updates.

Really pleased for you that you are feeling well.

by Anonymousreply 11711/10/2014

r116 is correct.

We can contribute to good in this world. It will come back to us, too...perhaps not in "this" life, but definitely someday.

by Anonymousreply 11811/10/2014

Try trans-personal therapies. Psychology field is good but has your own limits.

by Anonymousreply 11911/10/2014

I'd choose cis-personal therapy, myself.

by Anonymousreply 12011/10/2014

OP: Thanks for the updates at R101 and R105. Hopefully more posters will read them

by Anonymousreply 12111/10/2014

I'm very depressed and lonely. I can relate to OP. Lost my job, don't really have friends as I'm new to this city, am HIV, feel so alone. If I had the courage I'd kill myself. Maybe I will if I can do it with no pain or mess. I daily pray that God will let me get killed in a car wreck or murdered in my sleep. Had substance issues with meth and booze. Stopped that three yrs ago so now Ihave nothing. I hate myself and wish I had never been born. I am a TOTAL LOSER.

by Anonymousreply 12211/10/2014

This thread is sad because all the people a few weeks from planning their own demise sound like perceptive, COOL people.

In the past ten years or so, "modern living" has become shallow, creepy and psychopathic in ways I could not have imagined. Make fun of me if you want, but I think the 9/11 "thing" was the start point. People became, thanks to social media, not just silly or selfish, but UBERcunty. It's appalling. I think this thread reflects thinking, feeling people trapped in this ugly psychological cyst we are stuck in.

I wouldn't recommend killing yourself because (pardon the Biblespeak, not my thing) but these are times of revelations...public figures, so many, being outed as PSYCHOS...banks being exposed...and some incredible (and hidden) discoveries in fuel sources etc that could vastly improve human life and can't be held back. Things might be very, very different in just five years. The tables could turn...imminently.

Can you get back to nature for one long day? Take a bus ride and pack some poor people crackers. Research a place outside of cities, just nature, maybe a national park. We as a species have lost contact with the medicinal power of being alone in nature.

by Anonymousreply 12311/10/2014

R122, please check in with the HIV support group/s in your city - be with others, learn some coping strategies, make some connections. Why not research online, tonight, where such a group is next meeting, and resolve to get there - and let us know how you found it. Take it easy.

by Anonymousreply 12411/10/2014

It's cellphones, R123. Especially the so-called smart ones. When you apply them to the Stranger Danger Generation, you get day-in and day-out sociopathy.

by Anonymousreply 12511/10/2014

r122, please follow r124's advise.

In many ways, you are a fortunate person. I know several addicts still struggling to gain sobriety. They would give their left nut to quit.

And know this: I love you. I don't know who you are irl, but I can honestly say that I love you, and hope you get better.

You are loved, r122.

Now reach out...reach for the phone and call a support group. They exist for people like us.

Hang in there...nothing lasts forever. Your circumstances will change again...for the better. But right now you need help...please reach out.

by Anonymousreply 12611/10/2014

There is so much wonderful stuff in life to be excited about, even if you think things are little and insignificant, you can find joy in them and share them with your friends.

For example, how exciting is it going to be to watch the confrontation of Olivia, Fitz and Jake on Scandal in the bunker?! My friends and I can't wait; even though we won't watch it together we will be texting and discussing it on Friday when we meet up. Don't forget HTGAWM, Vampire Diaries and Parenthood are also on that night.

Have you seen Ghost Quartet yet (yes, you have to make a trip into Brooklyn, but it's WORTH it!)?

Have you seen Death of Klinghoffer? It's superbly sung and not to be missed.

What about The Bandwagon at Encores? Laura Osnes will slay you with that hayride number and Ullman is heartbreaking.

I could go on and on, but there's so much wonderful, wonderful stuff to enjoy in life. I don't understand how someone could not find SOMETHING out there to take part in and love.

by Anonymousreply 12711/10/2014

I agree, r123. 9/11 changed the world so's hard to believe that prior to 9/11, all I knew as an American citizen was peace and prosperity. I remember reading about kids who joined the military just to get a college scholarship...and them being surprised that they were actualy being sent it to combat to fight a war, because it had been decades since we needed the national guard to do combat.

Sometimes I attribute our culture of insanity to, ironically, prescription meds. The side effects are getting to people...also, people routinely drink while taking meds.'s so expensive just to live anymore. Most of us are desperate for a paycheck, and have to work crappy jobs just to eat. So little opportunity...

Another reason could be just sheer increase in population. THe planet has nearly doubled in people since I was born in the 60s.

The constant hate from the republican party also drags us down...and their support for crazy people to be able to obtains guns without background checks. People don't feel safe in malls & movie theaters...or even driving down the street.

by Anonymousreply 12811/10/2014

R122, please do call an HIV support group? You may find someone kind and decent like R126 there, to become friendly with.

by Anonymousreply 12911/10/2014

Yes, OP, life is a struggle, bad things keep on happening and they'll keep on happening, but you don't have to remind that to yourself everyday. There are really lousy days, there are some good days, and there are indifferent days, as you already know. Don't annihilate all by saying 'Just not interested in life'.

Stop trying to reach life only by logic, you'll lose. Make a warm house for yourself and inside your heart, why the hell you have to plague yourself with the weight of your doubts and fears most of the time? I say that to myself too, you know?

Make space for some positive and sweet thoughts and don't let your logic suck the life out of you. Logic is not the key that will open for a while the door to your fragile happiness. It takes more. I think that we should use logic for practical reasons, but i also believe that logic and the course of this world won't give me the deep satisfaction i long for. Yet, i can sometimes get entertained by it... So, why the hell not be sweet to yourself and to others, whenever you can? That sweetness will affect you somehow, give it time.

Keep your doubts, i'm sure every doubt has a reason, but never really believe that you are 'just not interested in life'.

by Anonymousreply 13011/10/2014

Those who have not mastered the art of artifice fail. In an age of images and entertainment, in an age of instant emotional gratification, we do not seek or want honesty. We ask to be indulged and entertained by clichés, stereotypes and mythic narratives that tell us we can be whomever we want to be, that we live in the greatest country on Earth, that we are endowed with superior moral and physical qualities and that our glorious future is preordained, either because of our attributes as Americans or because we are blessed by God or both. - Chris Hedges

by Anonymousreply 13111/10/2014

We need all of you more than we need any rethug.

by Anonymousreply 13211/10/2014

[122] here. Tks for msgs. Think I found HIV support gp. but doesn't meet till next week. I need something to help me cope. I feel so damn alone and lonely. Its now Tues. Five wks ago today I had to have my dog Sasha put down. Had her 13 yes but she got cancer in Aug. My best friend ever. I sleep with her ashes on my nightstand. She gave my life some sort of purpose.

by Anonymousreply 13311/11/2014

R130, what you

by Anonymousreply 13411/11/2014

I totally agree OP. I like travelling and wish I could just do that.

by Anonymousreply 13511/11/2014

OP if you drink alcohol at all, consider stopping. It's a depressant. Also consider taking megadoses of vitamin D.

by Anonymousreply 13611/11/2014

R127 your zest for life is admirable. Try to imagine not having the mobility to travel to Brooklyn, or the money for theater, travel costs ( including public transportation,) cable tv. Or no home computer. I mean this sincerely, no snark - try to imagine have your Joie de Vivre for theater without ways to access it daily, or others with whom to share it , might be dampened. There are many ways to imagine how loss - in all its broad and various ways - can bring a sense of poor quality of daily life which lead a person to question remaining on the planet. With your creative spirit I have no doubt you can go there in imagination. There is a point where a variety of factors can convene and any human can be pressed toward desolation.

by Anonymousreply 13711/11/2014

SOMEONE needs to watch more baby animal videos. My favorites are the interspecies friendship ones - they'll pick you right up.

by Anonymousreply 13811/11/2014

I too have HIV, my best friend died months ago, I'm alone. My friend and family both let me know they're going away for Thanksgiving. I have no support system of gay men. If I suddenly died in my apartment no one would find me for days until the smell offended. My partner of 10 years was a deceitful liar who replace me with a piece of shit cheat. Every one I ever knew that I loved is dead. Daily life is a rerun from day to day. Nobody knows I'm alive.

Yet I keep on. I keep taking my HIV meds. I keep eating healthy. I keep posting news on Facebook. I keep living and loving life.

Though I don't know why.

All I want is to die with a big black dick shoved up my ass.

by Anonymousreply 13911/11/2014

Thank you for the update, OP.

R89 touched on something very important that I've learned about depression. One day I was sitting with two coworkers and they were talking about their plans for the summer and I realized that I had no plans. I had nothing to look forward to. Whenever I fall deeper into depression I fall into survival routine. Work, eat, sleep, think about ending things every morning. I used to look down on people and their silly trips and dates, but now I realize they got it right.

Depression makes you feel hollow inside and the more you sink the darker and hopeless it seems, even though present reality might not be that bad. It makes you lose the motivation to do anything and you get caught up in a negative cycle. It's very hard to break out of it.

It is a bit like fighting a demon in you that keeps telling you what's the point you loser, just give up. It's hard to find the positive voice in you that doesn't take life so seriously and recognizes that life can be beautiful.

by Anonymousreply 14011/11/2014

R122, very pleased to read that you have set up a meeting with a supportive GP. Are there support / discussion /social groups for HIV+ men in your city that you can also access? Your recent bereavement is an additional strain on you, and you need the support of others, who will hopefully be able to share their coping strategies with you and offer understanding and companionship. Just take it one day at a time, your GP appointment will come around very quickly.

by Anonymousreply 14111/11/2014

This might be a little way out for some, but consider the story of "The Archons", which is featured in the Dead Sea Scrolls and a few other remaining documents. It tells the story - erased from history - that humans are a form of energetic food to a non-human, non-third dimensional being that feeds on human fear, suffering and hate (think the screams of children powering a city in "Monsters, Inc."). It goes on to say there are humans that are in on it and have designed a material world that fosters suffering worldwide, to crow a bumper crop.

I don't know why people act against each other with so much zeal, why our society is structured so others profit from so much suffering. In the depths of my depression (which so many seemed to use to power their own smug feelings of "winning"), this spoke to me.

by Anonymousreply 14211/11/2014

It's not simply 'a little way out', R142, it's schizotypal.

by Anonymousreply 14311/11/2014

R127....R110 here...I actually did see The Bandwagon...I thought it was terrible IMO...I also saw Klonghoffer which I just love.

I am a culture vulture and these experiences do add to my daily life...but then I get home. Still alone. Still struggling. Still have the same psychological problems I have worked on for decades.

I give up. Ultimately nobody gives a fuck...except your family, which I don't have and that kills me. I was so close to them. Such a good brother, son, uncle and they just turned on me like a pack of hyenas.

I have $ problems and have been generously helped by some friends but Jesus they made me feel like shit,. I don't get it. I have been a loving caring friend especially in forming relationships with my friend's kids in a very meaningful way....and somehow if $ comes into play all that realness goes right out the window.

I've had it.

After the new year it's sayanora suckers. I can't wait.

I'm a total atheist. So when I finally go to sleep and don't wake up that is me that sounds blissful.

by Anonymousreply 14411/11/2014

[quote]I don't know why people act against each other with so much zeal, why our society is structured so others profit from so much suffering.

it's because of fear.

We don't know what we are, or where we come from, or why we're here.

We are afraid to die.

We see the world as scary and out to get us. We live in there isn't enough food, water, shelter, safety, and money for everybody.

We have a "kill or be killed" mentality. If someone is doing well, then we are not doing well, and it's somebody else's fault, not my own.

We don't feel at home in this world...we are alienated.

We have choices to make in this world. In fact, that is *why* we are here. Are we going to live in fear, and be ruled by it? If so, then we must constantly defend ourselves from the attack of others.

Or are we going to be ruled by the opposite of

This decision must be made consciously. It doesn't happen "by default." We have to choose how we will respond this world...through the eyes of love, or the eyes of fear?

FDR said we have nothing to fear but fear itself, and he was correct.

Today, Fox News peddles fear for profits...and it's literally making their viewers insane.

I don't want to be like them.

by Anonymousreply 14511/11/2014

I'll tell you what my therapist told me: You are required to surround yourself with people who have your back. If you cannot find that within your family--and I cannot--then you are charged with going out to find them elsewhere. 'Cause they're out there.

Go back to the subjects and events that you enjoyed as a kid or teen. Can't play sports because of injury? Meet a buddy at a ball game. Can't afford the ticket? Then grab a friend for a snack in a sports bar and watch it on TV.

Frankly, the idea of walking a park or trail makes me ill. ("I am two with nature." --Woody Allen) So go to the cheapest possible movie matinee with a friend. Book clubs are usually free and the books can be purchased as paperbacks. You'll be with like-minded folks and it won't tear up your disposable income, such as it is.

Go to the games, the clubs, the volunteer groups because you'll find people there who will look forward to seeing you come back. Try to get up the energy to seek them out. Having someone else to focus on just might help you escape the pain--at least for some hours. Having some relief--however transient--beats ruminating on depression and death.

by Anonymousreply 14611/11/2014

I might consider learning vipissana meditation or some other form. Not one you pay for - I think that is a business, and the technique shouldn't be sold - but from monks or somewhere that isn't a cult, that offers it for free. They are out there.

by Anonymousreply 14711/11/2014

Having friends doesn't solve all your problems for you. I'm at the point now where even if somebody acts like they want to be my friend, I have absolutely no idea whether they just want money, are secretly disliking me behind my back while buttering me up, or what. I can't tell at all if people are sincere.

I've been dumped unexpectedly by so many people, I couldn't tell what was going on and I can't tell now. It all seems totally random to me. I know it isn't, but I can't tell why. Too much "friendship" seems to involve the exchange of money, and I don't mean sex is involved. More like, "give me money and I'll be your friend until I can't stand it any more." I don't live a flashy life and I don't volunteer to give people money, somehow they just all have "emergencies" and get money once, then it's hand out all the time until I say no and they take off.

I'm another one that thinks, if I had known what life was going to be like, I would have happily missed it all. No great loss. And that is definitely what my family thinks too. They think I was put on this earth to help them out financially, and other than that, they wouldn't even speak to me. They barely do now.

by Anonymousreply 14811/11/2014

I'm interested in life but at the same time, not scared of death. If I were diagnosed with a fatal disease, I would be fine.

by Anonymousreply 15011/11/2014

So many here agree with R149. At least 40% agree.

by Anonymousreply 15111/11/2014

R149, I don't know about that - I've had some deviant experiences that were pretty damn satisfying. But horniness is a near universal, constant, and lifelong male fact of life. So yeah, no experience can satisfy forever.

by Anonymousreply 15211/11/2014

"I think about life/and I think about death/ And neither one particularly appeals to me!"

by Anonymousreply 15311/11/2014

OP, are you still with us?

by Anonymousreply 15411/11/2014

r149, loneliness and isolation are not solely associated to homosexuals. These are universal human emotions.

Homosexual relationships are no more deviant than heterosexual relationships.

by Anonymousreply 15511/11/2014

R149, your hate will not sustain you through this life.

by Anonymousreply 15611/11/2014

Interesting as the guy who was one of the creators of The Simpsons (Sam Simon) and worth millions is now saying that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to him. He's spending his remaining days helping animals and people.

by Anonymousreply 15711/11/2014

OP is reply R101, R154.

R149 is on a roll today! Gracing us with her racist homophobic presence on multiple threads. So sad that a creature like that is allowed to exist.

by Anonymousreply 15911/11/2014

Too much pot smoking (especially speed and crack) makes a person come down and hate life. If you're smoking dope cut back or stop. Same goes if you're a drunk. Alcohol is a depressant same as the above drugs.

Clean your body up and your mind will function normally. You're depressed, lonely, likely isolated, hold contempt for other gay men, you watch too much porn which fucks with your mind.

Turn off the damn TV, computer and cell phone.

Go out into the sunlight and fresh air. Open your window shades. Let the sunlight in. Clean up your house. Find something productive to do with your time. Bake a cake, buy a new outfit, play your favorite music on your record player.


by Anonymousreply 16111/11/2014

Oh, who is?

by Anonymousreply 16211/11/2014

If anything should happen, burn my diaries.

by Anonymousreply 16311/14/2014

Weird. I'm 50 and wish there were more hours in the day. And certainly more years to life than 80 or so (if I'm lucky).

I've managed to find hobbies, interests, pets, learning opportunities. I love to read about the past, present and future.

I think so many people are living these sterile, safe lives inside condos, watching the beautiful people lead blingy lives on TV. Go out somewhere and look at the stars in the night sky.

When 'the time comes' I'm going kicking and screaming. It's not fair!

by Anonymousreply 16411/14/2014

I love you 164

by Anonymousreply 16511/14/2014

R164 I just turned 50 and I wish that I had what you have. It's one thing to enjoy all of those things but I lost interest in my 20's. Not everyone has the capacity for joy and wonder.

by Anonymousreply 16611/14/2014

[You do realize that this is a troll, right? It just craves attention. You might want to stop talking to it.]

by Anonymousreply 16711/14/2014

When it comes to substances, then to R29 with persistent pain, I'd recommend medicinal cannabis, if it's legal in your state, and if you can afford it.

R39 , I wonder if the tested medicine was based on some extracted/synthetic cannabinoids.

People without physical pain should avoid smoking weed. But if it's legal (as in, the law legalizing such action is in effect), then always moderate and within the bounds allowed.

Neither should people drink alcoholic beverages, especially when feeling down.

Cigarettes do a lot of damage that does not manifest itself outright.

Those of you who smoke, do not have as good a sense of taste or smell, and this inhibits your sensory experience, especially if you feel that the whole world around you is very dull.

Non-smokers, thefore, have the better senses to enjoy even simple food, or the smell of nature, the trees and the tree leaves.

Those of you who can afford travelling should focus on an extended discovery of nature instead of something like a cruise that visits a new country every day.

Eco-tourism is not necessarily the physical activity of hiking as it's understood in North America, but really the discovery and enjoyment of nature. It's the moment in which you visit a picturesque place and stop to take it in.

by Anonymousreply 16811/14/2014

[You do realize that this is a troll, right? It just craves attention. You might want to stop talking to it.]

by Anonymousreply 16911/14/2014

Totally OOT... Can I request please a thread about a hot jock accused of killing an elder - totally random they say but I suspect maybe a gay angle? See link.


by Anonymousreply 17011/14/2014

[You do realize that this is a troll, right? It just craves attention. You might want to stop talking to it.]

by Anonymousreply 17111/14/2014

[You do realize that this is a troll, right? It just craves attention. You might want to stop talking to it.]

by Anonymousreply 17211/14/2014

[You do realize that this is a troll, right? It just craves attention. You might want to stop talking to it.]

by Anonymousreply 17311/17/2014
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