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"Lesbian bed death" suggests lesbianism is more of a political/emotional orientation than a sexual one.

I knew it.

"At first I was overwhelmed, and a little depressed, about how many of my lesbian clients and friends were rarely -- if ever -- having sex with their partners. But when I started doing research on this subject, I found reason to hope. There's some evidence that a minority (maybe 20 percent) of long-term lesbian partners sustain sexual intimacy after 10 or 20 or more years together. Through surveys and interviews, I'm finding the secret of their success."

So between lesbian partners, a 20% active sex life is considered a success? Maybe this explains the bitterness of the typical aging lesbian.

by Anonymousreply 7202/10/2013

It seems unrelated to male homosexuality.

by Anonymousreply 107/30/2012

Being gay is more than just a sexual is, for many, the gender for which you feel a romantic attraction. Sexual attraction is a part of this romantic attraction.

by Anonymousreply 207/30/2012

Women's libidos often wane after menopause, regardless of whether they're gay or straight. It's hormonal & has nothing to do with love.

by Anonymousreply 307/30/2012

There's more to being gay than sex.

by Anonymousreply 407/30/2012

Can a straight couple have lesbian bed death?

I have LBD in that my husband is no longer remotely interested in fucking me. He will once in awhile but only if I really try hard to arouse him via porn / blowjob combo.

Not sure what to do.

Can't imagine it would work out well to start cheating for sex. It's just too complicated - I'd feel guilty. It's not the kind of relationship I want in life. I don't really have a moral problem with it.

We have a great relationship otherwise.

Not sure if trying to "resolve" the problem by talking about it would make it worse. I mean, I can't talk him into being sexually attracted to me.

What should I do.

I really want advice from DL.

by Anonymousreply 502/08/2013

Well, the visits to Home Depot have to account for something.

by Anonymousreply 602/08/2013

My ex-partner and I had a case of LBD when we were about 8 years into the relationship. We were both still attracted to women and wanted to have sex with them -- just not with each other.

by Anonymousreply 702/08/2013

Women just aren't that interested in sex, no matter how they try to deny it.

It happens in straight relationships too.

by Anonymousreply 802/08/2013

I'm somewhat going through this at the moment. My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years and we've gone from having sex almost every day to maybe once a week at best. I'm only 30 and still want to have sex frequently--just not with my girlfriend. This is my first long-term relationship, so I'm not sure if this is normal, but I sure hope not. I haven't even hit my sexual prime yet!

by Anonymousreply 902/08/2013

I'm curious is it a lack of attraction that causes LBD ..?

Or do the fingers and tongue get numb?

by Anonymousreply 1002/08/2013

Is it acceptable for a lesbain couple to have apiece on the side while remaining monagamous, like gay male couples?

Or is it such an emotional issue that any outside sex would break you two up?

by Anonymousreply 1102/08/2013

R3 hit the nail on the head.

by Anonymousreply 1202/08/2013

R3 is right and that's why I didn't settle down with one woman until just before menopause. We had a couple years of hot sex then we both went into menopause. And we're quite happy with it.

But post menopausal lesbians are not the subject of the article.

by Anonymousreply 1302/08/2013

r5 Sorry about what you are experiencing. Been there, (not) done that.

Instead of an affair I found a secret pleasure in masturbation both with dildos/vibrator combos and fingers and lube. It sounds a bit crass when I read it but it changed my life. Do not be afraid to explore - it is amazing.

Try to discuss. Explore the idea of seeing a counsellor who will be informed about this issue (you should visit first). And know that this happens with long term couples no matter the configuration.

A horrible thought: is he messing around - hence the lack of interest?

Finally: Good luck, it will work out but I do believe your life will be enhanced by a good dildo n vibe

by Anonymousreply 1402/08/2013

Lesbian relationships are "more of a political/emotional orientation than a sexual one" OP? Fuck off, infantile homophobic troll.

Lesbian relationships are like gay relationships are like straight relationships. Duh.

by Anonymousreply 1502/08/2013

Please. Bed death happens to all long term couples.

by Anonymousreply 1602/08/2013

I've seen this. I think lesbians have a better chance of both being hit with lower sex drives, though this happens to couples, period.

I couldn't imagine. It would NEVER happen to me.

by Anonymousreply 1702/08/2013

I think the phrase is repugnant. I've only EVER heard gay men use it, and we seem to use it with an immature, schadenfreudish glee.

by Anonymousreply 1802/08/2013

I know quite a few gay male couples in LTR who no longer have sex.

by Anonymousreply 1902/08/2013

Gay men have it too--we just hate to admit it!

by Anonymousreply 2002/09/2013

Gay men have this too. We just (usually) have open relationships. If managed correctly, we get all the security and comfort of a husband/partner and the sexual satisfaction of tricks on the side. In this, us gays are quite similar to the French.

by Anonymousreply 2102/09/2013

Negative thing is only considered a stereotype or phenomenon when it happens to a minority.

by Anonymousreply 2202/09/2013

Gay men [italic]never[/italic] have bed death. Everyone knows gay men are at it like rabbits with their partners years and years into the relationship! Decades and decades, even!

Yes, this only affects women: that's for sure.

by Anonymousreply 2302/09/2013

Human beings, at our fundamental genetic level, are NOT meant for monogamy. There is absolutely NO way that a person can remain sexually attracted to the same person for a lifetime. We're not swans...monogamy is a societal construct, because humans love nothing more than to try to subvert their natures.

Monogamy is, quite literally, unnatural.

by Anonymousreply 2402/09/2013

[quote]Human beings, at our fundamental genetic level, are NOT meant for monogamy.

Just [italic]saying[/italic] something assertively makes it a scientific fact, don't you find!

by Anonymousreply 2502/09/2013

Weird heading.

Weird article.

Lesbians are no different to other couples.

Lots of couples (probably most couples) have patches of lesser or greater sex. And some people cheat on their partners.

by Anonymousreply 2602/09/2013

R3 is totally correct. Most women, gay or straight have declining libidos as they age until well after menopause they have no interest or desire at all. Our desires go through the roof in our thirties and forties and then dwindle away. It's not as bad a deal as men think it is. Stripped of sexual needs, we have time and energy to focus on other drives-creative, intellectual, familial.

R24 is also on the mark. It's hard for many to be sexually aroused by your partner after several years. To tell the truth, once the pleasure is out of the act, why bother?

That's not to say that partners should break up because their sexual relationship isn't working the way it did. There's no replacement for the love, trust and deep attachment a long term relationship offers.

by Anonymousreply 2702/09/2013

Straight couples, gay men have bed death, too. It's long term relationships. So maybe it suggests an economic relationship. Or staying together because moving out is a hassle relationship.

by Anonymousreply 2802/09/2013

[quote]I think the phrase is repugnant. I've only EVER heard gay men use it, and we seem to use it with an immature, schadenfreudish glee.

That's funny...I first learned the term when I saw it in a human sexuality textbook in college. I still have the book, actually.

by Anonymousreply 2902/09/2013

R27 you are too smart and sane to be here.

I've been saying basically the same thing for years every time a thread pops up about some long time middle aged couple where the husband cheats but the wife knows and tolerates it. Everyone screams, "why doesn't she leave the bastard?" as though sex is the what keeps people together. Most often the glue in LTR's is anything BUT sex.

by Anonymousreply 3002/09/2013

Hey, not all women have "decling libidos." I am older, but still very much interested in sex. I think lesbians might actually be interested in sex longer than straight women.

by Anonymousreply 3102/09/2013

Thanks for the swipe at lesbians, OP. As though shrill gay men like yourself are never bitter.

by Anonymousreply 3202/09/2013

Wow, OP is a rabid lesbian hater. Drop dead, viper, no one will miss your toxicity!

by Anonymousreply 3302/09/2013

25 years! I only hope to be lucky like you one day

by Anonymousreply 3502/09/2013

Some of the reactions are disproportionate to the actual statements significance.

There is a variety of different types of relationships, regardless of the each combinations of gender.

Everyone needs to take a statistics class to understand the idea of the bell curve and outliers, and statistical significance.

Variety and difference in experience is key here.

Not every relationship is equal or the same. And quite frankly, shouldn't be. People seek what they desire. If they want more emotional connection with someone, then they seek it, and if they want a purely sexual relationship with limited commitment, that is an option too.

This isn't really a big deal. Some lesbians, need to chill out and assume studies like this might be either a. wrong because of skewness, b. not reflective of THEIR own sexuality.

Don't be threatened by it, and don't play into the "angry-man hating" stereotype. At lest the stereotype, that someone wanted to illicit by posting this generic statement.

by Anonymousreply 3602/09/2013

oh I get it NOW....I'd heard the term but never really read what it was about. I thought it was something like crib death where the lesbian suddenly dies in bed!

by Anonymousreply 3702/09/2013

FYI: the idiot who posted this article clearly didn't read it correctly.

The author was discussing the importance of lesbians making an "effort" and put work into their partnerships. Not put off the sexual aspects of the relationship, "because the garbage has to be put outside", or that you "have an early morning."-something that is common issue for older couples, both gay and straight.

The daily grind/routine can kill anyone's sexual impulses.

When you have 50 things going on in your life, sometimes the last thing you want to do is have sex at the end of the workday.--Believe me, I know, and I'm a gay man!

The authors angle was that 60's gay liberation was fighting for the rights of everyone to sexually express themselves. And because these couples aren't making an effort, they are not honoring the liberation efforts made in the 60's.

by Anonymousreply 3802/09/2013

Stop bashing the OP. If you can't handle what the article says that's on you. Geesh get a grip already. Lesbians bitch about everyone. Chill already.

by Anonymousreply 3902/09/2013

@r39 I read the article after posting r36, and I'm going to side with the angry lesbians. They should be pissed by the OP idiocy. I read the article in two minutes, and I got the point of it.

Please re-read my reply at r38 to get a fucking clue!

by Anonymousreply 4002/09/2013

I see you've Continued proving my point R40. You're too pathetic to argue with.

by Anonymousreply 4102/09/2013

I'm sure all the long-term straight couples are having constant sex. Why are gay and lesbian couples always singled out as if this didn't happen in straight relationships?

Relationships are not defined by how often couples have sex. If your straight grandparents celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary, no one would ever go up to them and say, "If you're not having sex now you are NOT in a real relationship."

by Anonymousreply 4202/09/2013

It's not just lesbians. My sister and her husband have been married for 23 years, they don't even sleep in the same bedroom.

by Anonymousreply 4302/10/2013

For fuck's sake, it's well known that many gay male couples don't have sex or rarely have sex after they've been together for a time.

And many straight couples rarely have sex after years of being together as well.

Moreover, the idea that two people's romantic bond in a couple can survive their active sex life together is nothing new. Long term coupling is a more emotional orientation than a purely sexual one even in couples who are actively sexual with each other.

by Anonymousreply 4402/10/2013

I thought we put this topic to rest a couple years ago. Someone posted a thread about research that showed lesbian bed death was a myth and that all couples, despite sexual orientation, can experience low sex drive.

Hopefully, someone not as lazy as me will remember this and post the appropriate links.

by Anonymousreply 4502/10/2013

I know a straight couple in their 30s with this problem.

Both good looking, both happy emotionally with each other; the husband was just completely disinterested in actual sex and fine with porn.

It took a toll on the woman. She felt unattractive and having an affair just didn't seem like it would be the "solution." Too complicated for women - tricks just don't really make you feel good about yourself.

Finally they went to a therapist who said the solution for not having sex is to ... have sex. That analyzing it to death, and the "reasons why" doesn't get you anywhere.

Meaning, they were told to pick an night once a week and have sex that night after they put kids to bed, no matter what.

Apparently this has worked out really well. The more they have sex, the more they want to. The woman is satisfied and it bonds them closer.

by Anonymousreply 4602/10/2013

"Women just aren't that interested in sex, no matter how they try to deny it."

Women are not interested in sex where the definition of sex is men getting off.

As far as LBD -- it happens to every kind of couple, as has been pointed out.

Is OP 14 years old???

by Anonymousreply 4702/10/2013

I don't disagree completely, but the conclusion is mistaken. Just because some straight woman wants to call herself a lesbian because of political or feminist reasons, doesn't make actual lesbians stop existing.

That would be like me concluding because Prince/Bowie/etc... wanted attention by mimicking gay guys, gay guys are really faking it.

by Anonymousreply 4802/10/2013

The OP merely posted an article that he/she felt merited discussion here. Why do some posters automatically assume any OP agrees wholeheartedly with what they're posting?

by Anonymousreply 4902/10/2013

R39 is the 'mos troll.

by Anonymousreply 5002/10/2013

I don't understand how men can be more interested in porn than in actually having sex.

by Anonymousreply 5102/10/2013

Preferring porn to having sex with you is not the same thing, r51.

by Anonymousreply 5202/10/2013

I've had incredible sex in my life, and when I was in my 30's (my sexual peak), more of it than I ever could have imagined. I had great and passionate lovers, and generally speaking, the sex was the best part of the majority of my LTRs.

However, sometime after 50, my sex drive just -- went away. I don't even feel a need to masturbate. I may perhaps masturbate once a month or so.

And like R27, I also feel like this lack of sex drive has freed me of spending time looking for my next LTR/sex partner, and allowed me to just relax and enjoy my life as a single (and much wiser) elder lesbian.

The phrase "my halcyon days" is often in my mind now. I couldn't be more content.

by Anonymousreply 5402/10/2013

I don't even watch the same porn twice!

by Anonymousreply 5502/10/2013

[quote]I don't understand how men can be more interested in porn than in actually having sex.

Um. It's happened to me a few times. It's a different kind of sensory experience.

by Anonymousreply 5602/10/2013

"After a while the same tired real life vag is not as exciting as some new chick or kink they get off to in porn."

Why do you think that so many women don't want to have sex with their husbands? Some old tired dick, same old tired moves. Heard him farting/burping one too many times. His tits are bigger than hers. He's out of shape & sweaty. Balding, etc.

by Anonymousreply 5702/10/2013

Moron, R53, it's a two way street. If men thought about their partner once and a while, they'd get more from them.

by Anonymousreply 5902/10/2013

If a woman doesn't need sex to acquire a possession (ie "husband," "partner") what does she need sex for?

That's what's behind all the phony "Women are wise and there's more to a relationship than sex."

by Anonymousreply 6002/10/2013

[quote]Human beings, at our fundamental genetic level, are NOT meant for monogamy.

We were when average life expectancy was like 30 :)

by Anonymousreply 6102/10/2013

R53, I could understand that if they were actually having sex with different women or exploring those kinks in reality. But for me, porn/masturbation is so far removed, so inferior to the sensation of actual's the non-alcoholic grape juice version of fucking.

Men continue to be weird.

by Anonymousreply 6202/10/2013

[quote]Human beings, at our fundamental genetic level, are NOT meant for monogamy.

Neither were we inclined to wipe our asses after we shit, but, hey, human beings evolve.

If you really want to rely on cavemen to justify behaviour, go crazy.

by Anonymousreply 6302/10/2013

[quote]That's what's behind all the phony "Women are wise and there's more to a relationship than sex."

That sounds like something you made up in your own brain, or something you've gathered from a very limited and processed representation in a mass medium of some sort, and are choosing to believe. Most people of both sexes are somewhat covert users, when it comes to "love." It's part of what evolved from our socially-constructed ideas of romance and marriage.

by Anonymousreply 6402/10/2013

Many, many, many straight men prefer porn to sex with their wives.

It's just a taboo discussion topic.

by Anonymousreply 6502/10/2013

Most relationships have an arc. The sex phase... the disenchantment phase... the we're old and you know what, I feel allied with you phase (or any positive variant of the idea.) You go through a life together and the relationship changes and can be, in retrospect, deeply rewarding.

by Anonymousreply 6602/10/2013

This thread reminds me of something I saw on a show, I think it was Dr. Phil and he was talking to a husband that had cheated. The husband said that his wife had become uninterested in sex and he felt alienated from her. He needed to feel that he was sexually attractive to her in order to feel loved. To him, them having sex together was the demonstration of "love" that he needed to feel all right in the relationship. If she wasn't going to want sex then that meant she didn't care about or love him. Basically it was a self esteem issue. Men get a lot of their self esteem from sex and so it applies to gay sex as well as hetero sex.

So my observation is this, you get two women together and women have other things that make them feel loved and valued. Sex may in some ways make them feel objectified and may feel like a burden on them when all they really want is to be loved and cared for because of other things they bring to a relationship. Sex is not always a positive for women. Most always is a positive for men. So after the honeymoon phase in a lesbian relationship they settle in and enjoy stability and mutual respect and caring and nurturing etc. And maybe they are relieved they don't have to go to the vulnerability of sex?

by Anonymousreply 6702/10/2013

Partially true, r67, but an orgasm is an orgasm. It's hard to have an orgasm with men (if you're a woman) because they don't like the way it really happens. they like the porn way.

by Anonymousreply 6802/10/2013

So do many, many, many women, R65. But it's not usually visual. They get off on "Fifty Shades of Gray" type erotica. Why do you think that shit is so popular. Middles aged married women are all wanking to it.

by Anonymousreply 6902/10/2013

Sorry 68 are you saying the women don't like what they have to do to have an orgasm with a man? And are you saying the men like the porn way and the women don't because that won't give them an orgasm?

by Anonymousreply 7002/10/2013

R70, porn is a male fantasy. It works differently in real life for females. Of course, as a gay, you don't know that.

by Anonymousreply 7102/10/2013

The women I know do not prefer porn, even in erotic novels, to actual sex.

Let's face it, guys are lazy. Of course they like porn better. They seem to get what they want with barely any effort or risk emotionally or otherwise on their part and they get to bust a nut. Guys just don't want to be bothered with all the prelim to sex. Just want sucked or fucked and move on to the next part of the day. Until men are raised to value and engage their emotions in relationships that will be the way it is.

by Anonymousreply 7202/10/2013
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