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Things that only happen in Porn...

Let's make a list.

1) The punishment for not doing your chores is a hard fucking

by Anonymousreply 15201/30/2014

The punishment for getting a UPS delivery is a hard fucking.

The punishment for getting your TV repaired is a hard fucking.

The punishment for being too lazy to clean your own pool is a hard fucking.

The punishment for encountering someone who is masturbating is a hard fucking.

by Anonymousreply 107/28/2012

[quote]The punishment for not doing your chores is a hard fucking

Or as we call it, "Saturday Night".

by Anonymousreply 307/28/2012

The sexy UPS guy coming to deliver a package and nailing you. So far I've only been able to get the DHL guy into bed.

by Anonymousreply 407/28/2012

Magic condoms "appear" without actually having to put them on.

by Anonymousreply 507/28/2012

You never see shit on the end of the dick.

by Anonymousreply 607/28/2012

People fuck so the camera gets the best angle despite being in awkward and uncomfortable positions.

by Anonymousreply 707/28/2012

r6, sad but true

by Anonymousreply 807/28/2012

Those weird, athletic (or whatever you call them) poses in Sean Cody that they name. It's so not fetch.

by Anonymousreply 907/28/2012

A couple wakes up in morning hot and bothered and ready to go at it. Never do they need to take a piss and freshen their breaths.

by Anonymousreply 1007/28/2012

every Eastern-European guy under the age of 30 is gay.

by Anonymousreply 1107/28/2012

You actually *want* to see the crack on your plumber.

by Anonymousreply 1207/28/2012

Brazilian guys walk around on the street with hard ons and feeling themselves up to start sexual contact with strangers.

by Anonymousreply 1307/28/2012

"You look tired. Let me give you a massage."

by Anonymousreply 1407/28/2012

"I'm sorry, I don't have enough money to pay for my pizza. Is there any way we can work something out?"

by Anonymousreply 1507/28/2012

Pizza deliveries end in sex.

by Anonymousreply 1607/28/2012

If you break your neighbor's window or you run into someone's car. You don't need money to fix the window. You don't need car insurance. Your hole is a piggy bank, credit card, and insurance policy.

by Anonymousreply 1707/28/2012

All that fucking noise (pun intended). They never shut the fuck up in porn vids. I would laugh my ass off if a top or a bottom did all that fake grunting in real life.

by Anonymousreply 1807/28/2012

When someone has a prank pulled on him to make him look foolish, his instant response is to want to fuck.

by Anonymousreply 1907/28/2012

If you swallow enough cum from peter after Peter, you can become one.

by Anonymousreply 2007/28/2012

One of the stupidest ones, from porn movies by Jerry Douglas (like "Buckleroos"):

Attractive gay men today only ever want to top.

They have to be FORCED or tricked into bottoming (in order to learn true humility)!

by Anonymousreply 2107/28/2012

From all Czech and Kristen Bjorn movies: sex happens most often in large groups, and then the participants form intriguing geometric patterns of their bodies.

by Anonymousreply 2207/28/2012

It's easy to hook up with a hot guy in public places, because only hot guys cruise at steamrooms, bathhouses, sex clubs, parks, etc.

"I am about to cum. I'm cumming, I'm cumming!"

You suck, you fuck, and you jerk yourself off to climax.

No shrink or police needed after a rape.

Someone jerking off and someone else enters the room by accident and joins the fun and then another one stops by by accident, too and joins the fun as well (guess the guy who lives in the place spent all his money on lube and didn't bother to put any money aside for a proper lock).

by Anonymousreply 2307/28/2012

doctor's visits ALWAYS include a prostate exam.

by Anonymousreply 2407/28/2012

Women actually enjoying, giving blow jobs.

by Anonymousreply 2507/28/2012

When you take off your underwear, you already have a raging hardon.

by Anonymousreply 2607/28/2012

R25: Mary Please! Like anyone here believes you have ever looked at straight porn.

by Anonymousreply 2807/28/2012

Every gym shower is a 'gang shower' and the water comes out in a pee-like trickle.

You kiss and lick your own armpits. (WHO does that in real life??)

Black dudes are always DL thugs.

Asses are always ready for rimming, no danger of shitty smears or odors, even if the rimmee has just finished laying asphalt or running a marathon.

Clothing is always about 5 years out of date when the video is new, 10 years out of date by the time you actual see the video. Oh wait, what clothes?

It doesn't hurt to bottom while laying on a gravel-strewn mountain path or rocky beach.

The meth pipe and popper bottles are mysteriously nowhere to be seen!

by Anonymousreply 2907/28/2012

Guys using egg white to fake cumming

by Anonymousreply 3007/28/2012

The ass is always spotless, pre-lubed and pre-stretched for hours of thrusting from a beercan cock. Just bend over!

by Anonymousreply 3107/28/2012

All blue-collar workers are (homo)sexually avaliable (hetero as well - that goes without saying).

by Anonymousreply 3207/28/2012

Straight guys willingly suck, rim, and make out the second a woman is not around.

by Anonymousreply 3307/28/2012

You'd be a billionaire if you get a dollar for every time a guy says "I have never done it with a guy before" to you.

by Anonymousreply 3407/28/2012

Every guy is sexually confident and experienced, even if barely legal or straight.

by Anonymousreply 3507/28/2012

The teacher, coach, boss, co-worker, student, teammate, etc., is always receptive to a sexual advance (sometimes with some gentle prodding). I fear that if I ever did that, I'd be punched out, thrown out, fired, and slapped with a sexual harassment suit or sexual assault charge.

When 2 guys in a classroom start jacking each other off, the other guys in class follow suit, culminating in a full on sex orgy and gangbang atop the teacher's desk, with teacher, principal, and janitor among the willing participants. No one ever bothers to run out and call the campus police.

by Anonymousreply 3607/28/2012

Cumshots rather than coming in the orifice

by Anonymousreply 3707/28/2012

you never see guys removing their special, magical "temple garments"

by Anonymousreply 3807/28/2012

'Classrooms' with poster sized maps on the wall and globes on the desk.

'Offices' with staplers, tape dispensers, rolodex (lol), ink blotter and pencil cup all lined up on the cheap-looking desk, all these will be cast to the floor in one swoop of the arm in order to fuck on the desk.

Marine or Army barracks with new recruits who have not had their hair shaven to the scalp.

Bottom's asses are douched cleaner than the average surgical O.R, even when the last thing the guy was planning on was getting fucked.

Foreskin can be rolled back and the penis sucked, no smegma or smells, even if the guy has been working on a construction site or is a slave in Ancient Rome.

by Anonymousreply 3907/28/2012

Guys are always HARD the moment their dick comes out of their pants.

by Anonymousreply 4007/28/2012

(Allegedly) HIV negative guys have bareback sex with multiple partners and (allegedly) remain HIV negative.

by Anonymousreply 4107/28/2012

We become partners in law firms.

by Anonymousreply 4207/28/2012

Guys can take massive cocks up their asses with no lube.

by Anonymousreply 4307/28/2012

Pubic and body hair are always perfectly groomed, and the hair on your head never gets messed up.

by Anonymousreply 4407/29/2012

Locker rooms are aways empty and with benches set up perfectly for fucking

by Anonymousreply 4507/29/2012

Really conservative librarian/secretary/businessman types remove their clothes to reveal super-trashy tattoos.

by Anonymousreply 4607/29/2012

Tricks place their hands and filthy feet on the walls without the host losing his shit.

The host doesn't flutter about removing stacks of books and magazines from chairs so the trick can sit down for a cold beer.

Bad music floats through the atmosphere without the host shuffling through his 'impress the guest' playlists on the stereo.

Furniture is always stationary; the headboard never hits the wall, joints never creak, tables never get knocked over.

by Anonymousreply 4707/29/2012

All of these scenarios are disgusting and immoral, which is why I will ban all porn after I am elected.

by Anonymousreply 4807/29/2012

It takes 'straight' guys who are getting fucked for the first time all of 2 minutes to take 10 inches.

by Anonymousreply 4907/29/2012

R14 guys have used that line on me in the gym several time.

I take their 5 minute back rub which usually leads to them giving me a hot blowjob.

by Anonymousreply 5007/29/2012

The guy with the biggest dick is always the top.

by Anonymousreply 5107/29/2012

Doing it with your twin or with your dad is hot!

by Anonymousreply 5207/29/2012

If a co-worker/family member/service person catches you jerking off, he/they join in, licking their lips and rubbing their crotch.

by Anonymousreply 5307/29/2012

You're local auto repair garage is staffed by gay/bi bodybuilders with big dicks.

by Anonymousreply 5407/29/2012

There's always music playing whenever you fuck. Always.

by Anonymousreply 5507/29/2012

Daddy is always horny

by Anonymousreply 5607/29/2012

The bartender will always fuck or be fucked at closing time.

by Anonymousreply 5707/29/2012

Six inches equals a foot.

by Anonymousreply 5807/29/2012

guys love getting fisted

by Anonymousreply 5907/30/2012

Lots and lots of clean towels and tissues available afterwards.

Eating dinner with anal intercourse for dessert. And it's not scat porn, because there's not a single sign of any bowel movement going on.

No awkwardness during or after sex. No awkward conversation about the need of using condoms or the awkward moments of how to proceed after the sex is done (calling a cab vs. snuggle, smoking a cigarette vs. showering, getting a restraining order vs. moving in together).

Trolls don't exist, so you don't have to dismiss dozens of trolls before you finally meet some hot guy you want to have sex with.

by Anonymousreply 6007/30/2012

the US penal system is inhabited mainly by buff, white, incredibly horny guys.

by Anonymousreply 6107/30/2012

No one ever gets a cramp.

by Anonymousreply 6207/30/2012

If fucking up at anything and everything were rewarded by not one but two choice 9" cocks up my hole, I'd be the biggest fuck up known to man.

by Anonymousreply 6307/30/2012

That someone actually would think a twink is hot.

by Anonymousreply 6407/30/2012

Formaldehyde is an aphrodisiac.

by Anonymousreply 6507/30/2012

A woman urinates and it is considered an ejaculation.

by Anonymousreply 6607/30/2012

Guy brings pizza over to buddy - they fuck.

by Anonymousreply 6707/30/2012

Blonde tops!

by Anonymousreply 6907/30/2012

I have had the UPS man...several times in fact.

by Anonymousreply 7007/30/2012

Shy, barely legal "virgins" have tattoos and body piercings.

by Anonymousreply 7107/30/2012

The funniest thing about porn is how two guys will make out, suck each other, rim, spit on each other, stick fingers in each others' mouths - and THEN wear condoms. Uh, yeah. Piss all over each other, but definitely wear a rubber.

by Anonymousreply 7207/30/2012

No fat people

by Anonymousreply 7407/30/2012

All the women are trannies

by Anonymousreply 7507/30/2012

You can rip their clothes off, and they like it. Sometimes they even rip their own clothes off.

by Anonymousreply 7607/30/2012

[quote]Uh, yeah. Piss all over each other, but definitely wear a rubber.

you type stupid

by Anonymousreply 7707/30/2012

Dudes that pull out well before Cumming. That is so lame

by Anonymousreply 7811/12/2012

Whenever a married man has an argument with his wife, his "best bud" is always on hand to talk him into a comforting, no-holds barred fucking...

by Anonymousreply 7911/12/2012

They all repeat "Oh... oh yeaaahhhhh" over and over like it's a mantra.

by Anonymousreply 8011/12/2012

Doing the dishes/vacuuming/mowing the lawn/painting the wall makes you so horny you HAVE to rub one out right then and there.

by Anonymousreply 8111/12/2012

The pizza delivery guy, cable guy, UPS/FedEx/DHL delivery guys ALL have huge cocks and/or incredible bodies.

Every guy is freshly douched and always read for sex.

by Anonymousreply 8211/12/2012

Someone taking his dick out of an ass to cum on someone's face. Will nevah happen!

by Anonymousreply 8311/12/2012

Guys with no chemistry at all go through with the sex session and do not stop in the middle and go 'This ... us is not working'.

by Anonymousreply 8411/12/2012

R26 R40 Actually, that happens to me pretty much 100% of the time.

Guys are always ready for being rimmed, fisted or fucked with no preparation of any kind.

by Anonymousreply 8511/12/2012

Sand never gets in unwanted places when you have sex on the beach

by Anonymousreply 8611/12/2012

On Defloration.com the videos show virgins getting their "cherries" popped. Of course, the amount of blood is equivalent to losing a finger or cutting your wrist. Also, the milk that comes out of a guys ass is supposed to be pushing out someone's cum. It's enough to use in a bowl of Cherrios. Talk about overkill!

by Anonymousreply 8711/12/2012

Jake Cruise gets laid.

by Anonymousreply 8811/13/2012

It is so rare for someone to see a really sexy porn. Lol.

However, there are a few nice sexy porn scenes, but it is a small percentage of the overall extravagant porn garbage that there is out there.

Below, there is the last porn scene i viewed and liked. This couple is really hot. The man is 'mature' and sexy and the woman is beautiful and sexy. What i didn't like though was that in the end, the woman used her fingers in order to lick the sperm that the man left on her body. That was a turn off and she reminded me that she was a whore doing her job.

by Anonymousreply 8912/11/2012

You could have the worst, most robotic line delivery ever but you'll still win a porn award for best newcomer.

by Anonymousreply 9012/11/2012

R90, come to the gist...did you have fun watching that video?

by Anonymousreply 9112/11/2012

yeah, that *IS* weird. rarely does he have a hispanic at all, but once in a blue moon

by Anonymousreply 9312/11/2012

Jake Cruise has sex with hot guys and there's no evidence of money changing hands. At least show some bills on the nightstand.

by Anonymousreply 9412/11/2012

Guys who've bottomed hundreds of time on video continue to claim to be straight.

by Anonymousreply 9512/11/2012

[quote]The punishment for not doing your chores is a hard fucking

You obviously have never been to the Schwarzenegger residence.

by Anonymousreply 9612/11/2012

R6 you are so uncouth we prefer to say "there is no mud on the turtle"

by Anonymousreply 9712/11/2012

Actually all people can be bisexual. That is something that not all people can accept but it is quite true. Sex cannot be dissected, not really. Sex can be ugly or divine though...

by Anonymousreply 9812/11/2012

Tops who "bottom for the first time" and always, ALWAYS discover they love it - no one ever asks to stop being fucked because it hurts

by Anonymousreply 9912/11/2012

Even though they're grunting, squirming, screaming and acting like they're having the best. sex. EVAH!, they still need to close their eyes and not look at their partner when they're trying to ejaculate

by Anonymousreply 10012/11/2012

Even "dark rooms" are well-lit enough to see every inch of every cock and orifice without shadows

No accidents (shit on a condom, premature ejaculation) EVER

The guys hanging out in a steam room or other group situation are ALL hot, ripped, manicured and tan

"Straight" college guys doing it "for the first time" have no problem making out with a guy, never mind that kissing is arguably the most intimate part of sex

Razor burn on shaved chests and asses is nonexistent

by Anonymousreply 10112/11/2012

Michael Lucas is considered hot.

by Anonymousreply 10212/11/2012

All women love anal, and most will do DPs.

by Anonymousreply 10312/11/2012

Butts are all clean enough to eat off of

by Anonymousreply 10412/11/2012

ALl men lick their lips when getting their cocks sucked.

by Anonymousreply 10512/11/2012

You can't smell the poppers, meth smoke, or the chemical aroma of steroid infused body sweat.

by Anonymousreply 10612/11/2012

Kassius Kay and Callie Cyprus Heated Massage This video was good...i liked it.

Beware: Ladies or straight guys would appreciate it more. Sorry my gay friends!

Note: Watch it from the beginning until 7:49. The rest of it, is disappointing and rather fake.

by Anonymousreply 10712/16/2012

Lesbians are platinum blondes with tans, tits like grapefruit halves, and inch-long French-manicured nails.

by Anonymousreply 10812/16/2012

R108, lol what a description! You are hilarious my friend!

I have an intense lesbian scene and i think this one will be loved by gays because it's a bit campy!

by Anonymousreply 10912/16/2012

pulling out before orgasm

by Anonymousreply 11012/28/2012

Sorority hazing consisting of forced lesbian sex, which is filmed and then becomes available for all the world to see on various sex websites. All of the participant's faces are clearly visible; they all have good bodies (some have tattoos) and most of the new pledges and the sorority sisters doing the hazing appear to be pushing 30 or older.

by Anonymousreply 11112/28/2012

That eastern europeans sound like Darth Vader when having sex: "ooohhhh aaahhhh, oooohhhh aaaahhhh!"

by Anonymousreply 11212/28/2012

So gays like lesbian porn?

by Anonymousreply 11312/29/2012

R113, I thought it was obvious that the female gays do.

by Anonymousreply 11412/30/2012

R115 i'm a woman and i don't like only lesbian or straight stuff to watch. I may like gay porn as well. It depends on the 'act'. As i mentioned previously most of the porn out there is lousy and a turn off so one must have many windows open and choose the best possible when they feel like watching porn. Porn is dirty enough, it doesn't have to be more dirty than dirt if you know what i mean.

I'm sure that many women, lesbians or not can appreciate gay sex, i was just wondering if it is possible for gay men to appreciate lesbian sex (I know that straight men can)

by Anonymousreply 11512/30/2012

*R114

Sorry...

by Anonymousreply 11612/30/2012

Only hot guys have sex.

by Anonymousreply 11712/30/2012

No gay teens are lonely; instead, they have a handy (pun intended) cute bf available at all times.

As far a str8 plot goes ...

The HS principal arrives to find a student blowing the teacher - why? Because she had to go the bathroom during a test, and pee'ed in a vase(!) in the classroom in desperation, and so was blowing him as "punishment." The principal agrees this is commensurate, and proceeds to take the girl's virginity. Uh huh .....

by Anonymousreply 11812/30/2012

Withdrawing before cumming. Please stop doing that.

by Anonymousreply 11901/05/2013

My lesbian friend masturbates to gay male thug porn....

She's a Nordic blonde, athletic, competitive lesbian....go figure? She gets off on black on black gay men!

by Anonymousreply 12001/05/2013

I'm a gay guy who occasionally likes to rub one out to lez porn. No desire to be with a woman, though.

My favorite girl-girl scene of all time:

by Anonymousreply 12101/05/2013

thug porn is the hottest of all

by Anonymousreply 12201/05/2013

"You idiot! I told you to change the right front tire, not the left. I'm gonna fuck you for that."

by Anonymousreply 12301/05/2013

R121 The Caligula scene was interesting but i'm certainly not fond of ass licking. If these two women were just rubbing and kissing and licking gently and not like cows the right parts of the body, i would certainly appreciate this video more. Anyway, thanks for sending it! I like a lot gays who can appreciate two women together in bed. They are sweet.

by Anonymousreply 12401/06/2013

This is a nice approach...

by Anonymousreply 12501/12/2013

Mechanics who bang their customers

by Anonymousreply 12603/14/2013

Pulling out BEFORE climax.

by Anonymousreply 12703/29/2013

ROTFLMAO R102!!!

by Anonymousreply 12803/29/2013

A man is getting it on with someone else and still has to get himself off. I mean seriously, why do men never come from what their partner is doing to them on screen? Not only does it happen in real life - all the time and often too soon - but seeing it on screen - actually seeing someone make a guy come with their hands even for purposes of safety - would be hot - in fact it's especially hot when it's with the hands of the man or woman partnering with the guy as opposed to the guy's own hand.

Why? Please, those of you who are in the industry, please explain this to me!

by Anonymousreply 12904/18/2013

withdrawal before climax

by Anonymousreply 13005/30/2013

A guy is asleep on a bed or couch... whatever...

The other guy comes into the room, starts touching him, legs, chest, what have you... but the first guy is still sleeping. Now, the second guy is got his hands down the pants or is even starting to give oral BEFORE the first guy even wakes up... then the guy wakes up and just goes with it... no words are ever spoken.

I'd be completely awake the minute someone touched me... I might not have anything to say and would just go with it, but I certainly wouldn't be sleeping.

by Anonymousreply 13105/30/2013

Women scream rhythmically, like a squeaky wheel, ALL throughout sex

by Anonymousreply 13205/30/2013

Busty redhead gets her pussy licked

by Anonymousreply 13305/30/2013

Condoms

by Anonymousreply 13405/30/2013

When you're fucking in your mid-century modern with floor to ceiling windows, the window washer will slap his dick on said window. You will invite him in for a three way.

by Anonymousreply 13505/30/2013

No one farts when a dick first enters the ass or while it's being pulled out after fucking.

No one ever spreads someone's ass cheeks and discovers a hemorrhoid.

by Anonymousreply 13605/30/2013

No pussy farts after all those position changes. And, what's up with the reckless fingering or agressive rubbing? All the girls have long nails. Imma need you to cut your nails, use some lube and don't touch my clit after I finish cumming.

by Anonymousreply 13705/30/2013

R137 i totally agree with you. Long nails are disgusting in porn.

by Anonymousreply 13805/31/2013

The two guys in bed railing away are NOT watching porn to stay hard.

by Anonymousreply 13905/31/2013

xxxxxxxxxx

by Anonymousreply 14006/20/2013

R137, i like the brunette...

by Anonymousreply 14106/21/2013

My favorite thing that only happens in porn is for the websites like SeanCody and RandyBlue: when two muscular men meet and know they're going to fuck, they arm-wrestle and the LOSER has to bottom.

In real life, you know those guys are actually begging the directors to be the bottom.

by Anonymousreply 14206/21/2013

[quote] you know those guys are actually begging the directors to be the bottom.

Yeah, 'cause we can't keep it up with other guys! XO

by Anonymousreply 14306/21/2013

You rarely see the asshole constricting while pumping out a load!

by Anonymousreply 14406/21/2013

The cock just slides right in, no prep necessary

by Anonymousreply 14812/01/2013

"Jake Cruise gets laid."

I think I love R88.

by Anonymousreply 14912/01/2013

That so many Broke Straight Guys, will enthusiastically suck and fuck another broke straight guy for money. And that they are so good at it.

by Anonymousreply 15012/01/2013

Andrew Christian underwear

by Anonymousreply 15201/30/2014
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