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What the FUCK. My tenant subletted his room to a woman with two kids without telling me!

I own a sexy 2 bed 1 bath South Beach condo and two years ago I leased out the extra bedroom to a now 23 year old model-actor, NOT because I need the extra money (I don't) but because of the eye candy factor.

Imagine my surprise when I arrive home this morning after a night out to discover the room is now occupied by a heavyset woman in her 30's AND HER TWO FUCKING CHILDREN, one of whom is about 5 and the other about 3. The woman seems depressed and the kids are LOUD.

I told them to get out but she says she has a right to sublet and showed me a contract that my tenant made with her for a six-month sublet.

I did not have a contract with my tenant. He has lived there for two years now.

What rights do I have? The woman's Kaboodle is exploding with Rite Aid makeup all over my counter and the kids have taken over my living room.

by Anonymousreply 10107/05/2012

Oh please.

by Anonymousreply 107/04/2012

Start eviction now, so you can have her out by New Year 2014.

by Anonymousreply 207/04/2012

An Extremely Sexy Tale.

by Anonymousreply 307/04/2012


by Anonymousreply 407/04/2012

Get a lawyer.

by Anonymousreply 507/04/2012

Although this post virtually *screams* EST, it's a holiday and I'm bored, so I'll answer: OP, any contract your tenant has with a sublessor is superseded by the original contract between you and him. Whether written, spoken or merely implied that sublessors were not permitted to stay there, the woman has no grounds to stay there under the terms of her own, separate contract. Although I see no possible logical reason why any straight woman with kids and in her right mind would insist on living in pricey South Beach when she could rent a three-bedroom house inland for virtually the same amount, given that suburban Miami remains one of the weakest housing markets in the nation, feel free to boot the chunky 'frau at your own discretion. Leave her belongings on the front stoop and change the locks if you don't have a doorman building.

by Anonymousreply 607/04/2012

What kind of person throws out young children on the street just because they are not eye candy?

Your a repulsive jackass and I hope you die in a grease fire set off by fireworks.

by Anonymousreply 707/04/2012

Tell that bitch to get the hell out of your condo.

by Anonymousreply 807/04/2012

She sounds like an extremely stressing tenant, OP.

by Anonymousreply 907/04/2012

Why would anyone have only ONE bathroom in a two bedroom apt.?

by Anonymousreply 1007/04/2012

Lots of good schools in SOBE for Every Single Tyke.

by Anonymousreply 1107/04/2012

I am NOT an EST and do not appreciate the implication.

I have absolutely no paperwork with my tenant so I am not sure what legal recourse I have.

I have texted him five times and called him six times and no response. I don't know where he is.

The woman claims that she is a plus-size model hence the South Beach address. However her face is ugly so I'm not sure who is hiring her unless that crate of makeup works miracles.

by Anonymousreply 1207/04/2012

The whole thing just reeks of tacky.

by Anonymousreply 1307/04/2012

you would still have to evict her. You will have to file with the courts and serve her a 10 day notice prior before serving thru the courts. You don't have to give her a 5 day notice but the 10 for sure. then take her to court with the rate miam's city courts are backed up. It won't be til end of summer before she is probably kicked out. You can't just kick her out now it's a civil court issue. You could also sue your tenant. But, you don't have a written contract. Yet he did. So he was smarter than you. This is what you get for trying to get eye candy living in your house pervert.

by Anonymousreply 1407/04/2012

OP, you sound intolerably nasty. Take your dumb douchebag self and jump into the ocean.

by Anonymousreply 1507/04/2012

[quote]I have absolutely no paperwork with my tenant so I am not sure what legal recourse I have.

then you get what you deserve, you dumb cunt

by Anonymousreply 1607/04/2012

OP her face has nothing to do with the living situation unless you were hoping for more eye contact. Me thinks this wouldn't be a big deal if he had done this side agreement with another sexy eye candy model. I bet the original eye candy wasn't even given you rent.

Bottom line is. If you contact the police they can do naything. It's the sheriff's department. AFTER you have went to court and got a judgment. You will have to get a writ of possession after judgment.

If you change the locks and she contacts the authorities you could get into trouble. No shitting you. All the police see is paperwork. They don't want to be bothered in civil shit. That's for the courts and sherrif department.

by Anonymousreply 1707/04/2012

Under the (highly doubtful) possibility that this is actually true --

If your eye-candy tenant was living there without a lease (oral deal), then his tenancy is strictly month-to-month. He has no capacity to sign a mult-month sublease because (1) he has no right to be there more than 1 month at a time (doesn't matter how long he has lived there); and (2) absent a written agreement that gives him the right to sublease, that right does not accrue simply because he has a month long right of occupancy.

So tell the bitch (and the eye candy) to get the fuck out

by Anonymousreply 1807/04/2012

[quote]Why would anyone have only ONE bathroom in a two bedroom apt.?

Seriously?? Are you some newly out gayling who's been sheltered in suburbia his whole life and isn't aware that en suite bathrooms in every bedroom is merely a recent trend? Even when *I* was growing up, and I'm not even that old (late 30s), we had a 3BR/2BA house and I had to share a bathroom with my brother. R10 would probably faint in the process of renting a NYC apartment; I know some people here who have a FIVE-bedroom flat with only one bathroom. (And yes, it's considered to be a very nice place, it being a huge Flatiron/Chelsea-border loft and all.)

by Anonymousreply 1907/04/2012

Sex discrimination. If the sublessee were another hot male model-actor, you wouldn't be bitching on DL, would you?

by Anonymousreply 2007/04/2012

Tell her to get out or you'll have the police.escort them out. Is she making payment to you or him?

by Anonymousreply 2107/04/2012

[quote]Sex discrimination. If the sublessee were another hot male model-actor, you wouldn't be bitching on DL, would you?

Um, duh? Doesn't change the fact that this woman has no legal leg to stand on. You can't rent out PROPERTY YOU DON'T OWN to another party unless explicitly stated in a lease agreement. R18 is entirely correct.

by Anonymousreply 2207/04/2012

R18- He can't just do that. I would suggest contacting a lawyer in South Beach.

If the police come there now. It's his word against her. A bunch of paperwork in between. He will have to file a civil court.

The laws protect against housing discrimination too. I would suggest to you OP to by her out of the place if anything. Suggest another place and offer to make off the lost rent.

Get moving to a lawyer's office asap though. In Florida it takes a while to kick women in children out.

by Anonymousreply 2307/04/2012

That's what I said R20 ! OP opened this can of worms.

by Anonymousreply 2407/04/2012

Then why hasn't OP kicked her out yet R22? Because he can't . It's not as simple as you think. Even with subleasing agreements.

by Anonymousreply 2507/04/2012

you sound poor, r19

by Anonymousreply 2607/04/2012

fuck the matriarchal hegemony.

This is why more cities need MENS CENTERS, so men who are abused by cow-fish, who move in and take over our property have free legal advice.

by Anonymousreply 2707/04/2012

Why, this story Even Sounds True!

by Anonymousreply 2807/04/2012

This is ridiculous. If there is no paperwork with the "tenant" then this woman is trespassing - a sublease cannot be assigned unless a sublease exists in fact. The mere record of rent payments does not provide a basis for any legal contract between the "tenant" and this purported woman and her children.

No eviction is needed. IT'S TRESPASS.

If this were not an EST thread, which it is, the obvious thing to do would be to give her one hour to clear out, and to have three friends there to assist. The shit goes to the curb in an hour. If she wants to call the police, tell her that's fine, but you're immediately pressing charges and demanding that the police remove her from your premises.

by Anonymousreply 2907/04/2012

Her "contract" is null and void. Your contract is the only real one with the dipshit who left.

by Anonymousreply 3007/04/2012

Get that cunt and her crotchfungi out of your house by any means possible, and see what you can do about your loser friend who sublet it; take legal action against him if possible.

by Anonymousreply 3107/04/2012

Was the guy a tenant or a roommate? If he was just a roommate and OP owns or has the lease on the apartment, I think the police would help you get these people out immediately. They are trespassers and if they made a deal with someone who had no legal right to make a deal that does not give them any rights to live in your home.

by Anonymousreply 3207/04/2012

So ridiculous. It's Florida, dummy. Stand your ground.

by Anonymousreply 3307/04/2012

R27 Go take your meds hon, it's starting to show.

The whole fucking world is a men's center, but just in case you need more male supremacy I would recommend that you relocate to Saudia Arabia.

by Anonymousreply 3407/04/2012

please, please call the police and tell them to remove her for trespassing... have your title and deed in hand to show you are the sole owner. And post updates consistently about what happens. Photos are great. I want to see one of her fat ass waddling down the front walk with two kids hands in hers and three crying as they walk away.

by Anonymousreply 3507/04/2012

I'm not a lawyer, but if the OP has no contract with the original tenant then I don't see how anyone other than the OP has any legal righ to live in the apartment. Children or not, no one should be obligated to put up complete strangers if they don't want to.

by Anonymousreply 3607/04/2012

So, let's analyze why this one didn't work.

There are two kinds of these kinds of threads: (1) the ones where they're so funny and stupid, everyone knows what you're trying to do and plays along; and (2) the ones where they're designed to fool people and outrage them.

This one is trying to be (2), and having the OP say he rented a room to a handsome model-actor for the eye candy factor was a great idea. (It ensures people would tell him he got his just deserts for being so shallow.) But where he failed was saying he had no contract with the actor; this made the whole scenario completely impossible, and so the OP just comes across as failing for not having given this enough thought. Had he not included that detail, this might have been a fairly successful example of (2) and become a classic of the "Not without my daughter!"/"I'm not running a B&B here!" variety.

So, OP, you know what to do next time. Don't give too many details, and make those details you use jibe with the rest of your story. Or, just make the whole thing so stupid everyone plays along.

Thank you. Class dismissed.

by Anonymousreply 3707/04/2012

Thank you R29. This "paperwork" everyone is talking about isn't worth the paper it's written on. Shit, I can draw up "paperwork" that says I inherit from Princess Diana -- doesn't make it worth a shit.

The woman is trespassing. Period. If this (non-existent) woman was duped by the (non-existent) model/actor/eye-candy/boytoy that is her unfortunate problem

by Anonymousreply 3807/04/2012

Well now I can't call the police because as I was removing the Kaboodle from the bathroom, the woman (I don't even know her name) tried to stop me and we ended up shoving each other all over the living room.

She touched me first but she says if I call the police she'll say I assaulted her, and she has already coached her kids to prop up her lies.

by Anonymousreply 3907/04/2012

You're really vile, R35.

by Anonymousreply 4007/04/2012


by Anonymousreply 4107/04/2012

She is now sprawled on my sectional couch talking loudly on the phone to a friend about what an asshole I am.

by Anonymousreply 4207/04/2012

Ok OP you FOS. Thanks for the laugh bitch.

by Anonymousreply 4307/04/2012

Do I have to tell you what the obvious solution here is?

by Anonymousreply 4407/04/2012

Can you have her arrested for prostitution and drug-dealing?

by Anonymousreply 4507/04/2012

R39 This post just proved this is an EST, thread closed.

by Anonymousreply 4607/04/2012

[quote]She touched me first but she says if I call the police she'll say I assaulted her, and she has already coached her kids to prop up her lies.

Isn't that convenient? Now you can keep this thread running for days. Suggestion: She leaves the kids home alone and one of them is having some kind of seizure. You are panicked so naturally turn to DL for urgent advice.

by Anonymousreply 4707/04/2012

[quote]You are panicked so naturally turn to DL for urgent advice.

No, I think what would be better if one of the frau's teen age kids is a hotty 16 year old jock who keeps making passes at the OP, THEN he comes back here for advice.

by Anonymousreply 4807/04/2012

Tell her if she doesn't get out, you'll call CPS (childrens' protective services). They don't allow children and their mother to live in a single room.

by Anonymousreply 4907/04/2012

Why not both?

by Anonymousreply 5007/04/2012

Look everyone, OP is dumb, really dumb. Let's face it, by the end of the day she will be having him evicted from his own apartment.

by Anonymousreply 5107/04/2012

definitely call CPS and act as if you are concerned for the children and want the best for them and tell CPS that you saw her hold one of the childrens head under water in the sink (no verifiable marks or anything, but it is your word, just like it is her word you hit her first)... so, beat her to that punch.

Act very concerned and liberal and compassionate about the children and offer to keep them in the home for a few nights, but say you are scared, especially now, for their safety since you called, but you knew you had to

and watch them waddle her fat ass out the front door and lose her children... and she will cry for "her babies" and mama... and the children will cry... and it will be sooo sublime.

you will defeat the cowfrausow at her own game.

by Anonymousreply 5207/04/2012

[quote]She touched me first but she says if I call the police she'll say I assaulted her, and she has already coached her kids to prop up her lies.

If this wasn't an EST, a rational person would've waited until the woman and children left to remove her belongings. Of course, that wouldn't make for a good story, so a good slap fight with a raging overweight 'frau fills the needed for added drama in the story!

by Anonymousreply 5307/04/2012

Assuming she exists, when she is away put her things in the hallway and change the locks. She has no rights at all and can take no action. Eviction is not needed.

by Anonymousreply 5407/04/2012

your matriarchal hegemony is vile, R532. Why do you not belive the victim? You would if the tables were turned. But noooooo... attack the male you mysangist.

by Anonymousreply 5507/04/2012

She ain't leaving.. R54. At all. She is going to camp out and eat this poor guy out of house and home and feed her kids with his food and he is lucky if when HE leaves SHE doesnt change the lock on him.

THis ain't this skank's first rodeo. She probably has squatted figuratively and literally in dozens of florida homes where single men live hoping for some sort of lawsuit over a trumped up charge of him hitting her.

How do you think she plans to own her next home?

by Anonymousreply 5607/04/2012

Tell her to please bring Tammy back!

by Anonymousreply 5707/04/2012

So let me get this straight. Your old roommate moved out and this woman and her kids all moved in...while you were out for the night? That's pretty efficient moving!

by Anonymousreply 5807/04/2012

Girl, I got two words for you: butterfish.

Go out and get a big tub of butterfish (and some butter beans, actually) and cook it up good for her and the spawn. Fake like you are eating it... then in a couple of hours when they all have diaherrea so bad they are stomping down the door to the bathroom... laugh like a devil outside and ask what is wrong and is there anything you can do...

let her know slyly that you duped her into gastronomical distress and that is only the beginning... as for the spawn... keep feeding them chocolate and more butterfish.

by Anonymousreply 5907/04/2012

Your mistake here OP was using Rite Aid in your Extremely Silly Tale. There are no Rite Aids in Florida.

by Anonymousreply 6007/04/2012

Here is the street view from Google Map of the RIte Aid in Gainesville, Fla., amateur, so go the fuck away and stop trying to kill this thread with your half ass bullshit.

by Anonymousreply 6107/04/2012

Are her kids cute?

by Anonymousreply 6207/04/2012

R59, please tell me you're aware that the infamous thread here about "butterfish sluicing through my bowels" was an EST concoction. Butterfish exist but are small & weird-shaped and not actually caught and served as food.

by Anonymousreply 6307/04/2012

Look at your own link, dipshit. Your Google Street View reveals a CVS Pharmacy, not a Rite Aid. There are no Rite Aids in Florida.

by Anonymousreply 6407/04/2012

If a stranger were in MY home, kids or not, and refused to leave, I would call the police.

The longer she stays the more right she has to be there.

Her beef is with your (now presumable ex) roommate.

by Anonymousreply 6507/04/2012

LOL - this so never fucking happened.

by Anonymousreply 6607/04/2012

For rizzles?

by Anonymousreply 6707/04/2012

Time to invite all your gay friends over for drinks and a loud, campy game of Celebrity.

Followed by a hot, gay make-out session - hopefully all in full view of the cow and her children.

by Anonymousreply 6807/04/2012

[quote]Time to invite all your gay friends over for drinks and a loud, campy game of Celebrity.

Fuck that - time to post a Craigslist ad offering to host a bareback fuckfest!

by Anonymousreply 6907/04/2012

R67, I picked a few of the Miami stores from your list and did a Google Maps lookup for them. Everyone of them shows up as a CVS when you do a street view. I also went to Rite Aid's website and used their store locator to find any Rite Aid's within 100 miles of various Florida cities. When using Jacksonville as the starting point, the closest that came up were in Georgia. Other Florida cities (Miami, Orlando, West Palm, Tampa) yielded no results.

by Anonymousreply 7007/04/2012

[quote]NOT because I need the extra money (I don't)

I'm glad you took the time to point this out, OP.

by Anonymousreply 7107/04/2012

Good work there, Sherlock, r70.

by Anonymousreply 7207/04/2012

Pretending this is real:

OP has no written contract with his tenant.

There's a woman in OP's apartment who has a contract with someone who has no written contractual right to OP's spare room.

The woman apparently paid someone else to stay in OP's house, but she didn't pay OP, therefore she's a stranger with a key.

I say change the locks today, put her things outside and if she doesn't take them away, call the police and have her charged with harassment.

by Anonymousreply 7307/04/2012

Also, in your call to the police state that while you were trying to remove her belongings from your bathroom she assaulted you. Any counter-claims that she'll make later will seem like a desperate attempt to get the focus off of her behavior.

by Anonymousreply 7407/04/2012

R70 = blast at parties. Gets all the best invitations.

by Anonymousreply 7507/04/2012

R74: spoken like an honest liberal.

by Anonymousreply 7607/04/2012

You don't have to evict her. Just call the police. She has a contract with someone who has no standing to make such a contract.

by Anonymousreply 7707/04/2012

oh, please, R76. She is a fat frau sow who is dragging her kids around to strangers' apartments. WHo knows where she could land and what danger she could expose them to.

I think if OP called CPS and told them THAT... they should take the kids away from her lard ass and drag her out the front door in her house coat or robe or jogging suit or whatever she wears around the house...

put her in some parenting skills class for about 6 months and foster the children, so they arent just moved into any stranger's home where they could be molested or exposed to drugs or what the fuck ever.

by Anonymousreply 7807/04/2012

Thanks, OP - What a great idea for a sitcom! It's a modern version of LOVE SIDNEY-meets-THE GOODBYE GIRL! We'll save the wedding episode for sweeps!

by Anonymousreply 7907/04/2012

[quote]drag her out the front door in her house coat or robe

not too different from Caftan and Earrings, now, is it?

If only I had $18, here's how my EST would begin:

[quote]What the FUCK. My tenant subletted his room to an eldergay with two cats without telling me!

by Anonymousreply 8007/04/2012

R80, god you set a new low bar for tedious man-hating lesbian reaction to something actually funny. Please move along to the book club or potluck and discuss your angst with those who share it.

by Anonymousreply 8107/04/2012

R78, now you're sounding like a typical republican who doesn't care for poor people. Flip-flop much?

by Anonymousreply 8207/04/2012

Is this a joke?

by Anonymousreply 8307/04/2012

Don't talk to me about tedious, R81, you with your Google Map Street View nonsense.

And if this thread is "actually funny", then why all the posts about Child Protective Services?

by Anonymousreply 8407/04/2012

Well, comma outside the quotation marks explains it all. Not just a humorless lezfrau... a mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, public-school educated, illiterate.

Move along tediosssandra

by Anonymousreply 8507/04/2012

OP, as a real estate lawyer, lte me tell you one very important fact:


by Anonymousreply 8607/04/2012

EST, not worth screeching about.

by Anonymousreply 8707/04/2012

OP is a dumb cunt

by Anonymousreply 8807/04/2012

This is why I don't pay 18 dollars anymore.

by Anonymousreply 8907/04/2012

Is it even possible to sublet a bedroom?

by Anonymousreply 9007/04/2012

PLEASE, 88... the C-word wounds.

by Anonymousreply 9107/04/2012

Yes, it is, R90. I sublet a bedroom one summer back in college.

by Anonymousreply 9207/04/2012

[quote]I own a sexy 2 bed 1 bath South Beach condo

Dear I am sexy, condos are not.

by Anonymousreply 9307/04/2012

[quote]PLEASE, R88... the C-word wounds.

Yeah, AXE wounds!

by Anonymousreply 9407/04/2012

[quote]Well, comma outside the quotation marks explains it all.

That's correct in the UK.

Speaking of the UK, I haven't seen ayb around lately. Is he still here?

by Anonymousreply 9507/04/2012

Most sublets are illegal.

by Anonymousreply 9607/05/2012

First, what happened to Umpy's Tammy?

Second, our fish and chip shop sells butterfish in its special, r63.

Third, jesus, OP, at least find out the woman's name so you can report her.

by Anonymousreply 9707/05/2012

1/10 OP.

You lost me when you "discovered after a night of partying"

You live there, how in Oprah's sweaty pits do you expect anyone to believe you didn't know?

by Anonymousreply 9807/05/2012

right, R95, and since this site and its server are NOT in the UK, but America, kindly refrain from the irreference of being an Ugly Brit who pays no cultural repsect to America by forcing your ways on us in OUR country.

by Anonymousreply 9907/05/2012

r99 wants your REPSECT and not your IRREFERENCE.

by Anonymousreply 10007/05/2012

[quote]Thanks, OP - What a great idea for a sitcom! It's a modern version of LOVE SIDNEY-meets-THE GOODBYE GIRL! We'll save the wedding episode for sweeps!

Oh my God she's RIGHT!

It's the NEW Goodbye Girl!

Except I'd be the one saying "Goodbye, Girl!" as I threw her shit out the window!

by Anonymousreply 10107/05/2012
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