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Dominion Wackiness Post of the Week: The Wedding of Caleb Yuck and Jordan Hammond

It's wedding season, Dataloungers, and them Dominionist gals is still itchin' to get hitched, even if it means being called "Mrs. Yuck" for the rest of their lives. The Yuck and Hammond families have obviously been drinking the Botkin Kool-Aid, because the "Christ-centered, covenant" wedding went on and on and on, before Caleb FINALLY "claimed" and "took" his bride. The two love birds had resentfully "obtained an official marriage license in order to satisfy the civil magistrates," but they sure did their own thing during the ceremony, and after the reception dinner-- well, you'll just have to see it to believe it.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 3809/02/2012

"Caleb then passionately embraced his parents, with tears flowing freely, as he prepared to leave his father and mother, ready to follow the biblical mandate to cleave unto his bride." MARY!

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 104/16/2012

"Flooded with emotion, leaving everyone in attendance deeply moved, Caleb then slowly and deliberately turned to face his bride... Paul then boldly announced, 'Jordan… behold, your bridegroom cometh!'" Someone's been reading a LOT of Doug Phillips' purple (yet manly!) prose, haven't they?

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 204/16/2012

"And then, the much anticipated first embrace and kiss! Neither Caleb nor Jordan had ever given their hearts, their kisses, or their tender embraces to another, saving these precious gifts for one another alone."

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 304/16/2012

"Following the meal, Caleb and Jordan donned aprons and ice cream serving hats and went from table to table serving our guests ice cream sundaes. Judging by the comments they received, this personal touch was a terrific hit!"

Have a great week, Dataloungers!

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 404/16/2012

That guy has a small army of Asian little sisters.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 504/16/2012

I think they out-Botkined the Botkins in pomposity and verbosity with that wedding. And the bride didn't wear any makeup, either. Take that, A-S and Elizabeth, you painted-face strumpets.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 604/16/2012

oh dear oh dear. he has a bit o' the gayface, and she has a bit of the radioface....

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 704/16/2012

She's actually very pretty, with regular, delicate features. It's the lack of makeup that's washing her out when she's wearing so much white.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 804/16/2012

Are they into fisting?

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 904/16/2012

J F C, that post is scary, from the father-of-the-groom's sermon on the imperative of home-schooling to the way the families evidently herded that couple together.

Does anyone know how old they are, btw?

And I know that makeup is the devil's work, but does the Bible anywhere prohibit brides from tweezing their eyebrows?

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 1004/16/2012

I can't imagine subjecting guests to such a selfish display of religious zealotry

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 1104/16/2012

so he was crying and she wasn't? hmmmmmmm

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 1204/16/2012

[quote]She's actually very pretty, with regular, delicate features.

You think her nose is "delicate"???? You size queens are toooo funny.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 1304/16/2012

These people must have the worst sex ever. And the quickest.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 1404/16/2012

i agree she could "clean up" quite nicely with a modest amount of makeup, but she is hardly "very" pretty. very pretty = the youngest and eldest daughters on 'downton abbey'. the bride in this wedding looks much more like the middle sister...

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 1504/16/2012

"...to the way the families evidently herded that couple together."

Deborah (the mother of the groom who wrote this post) even admits that Caleb and Jordan were their "guinea pigs" in this wonderful new world of Dominionist courtship!

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 1604/16/2012

[quote]"Jordan... behold, your bridegroom cometh!!"

MARY!!!!!!!

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 1704/16/2012

I'm not American, so I would be intrigued to know (roughly) what percentage of the American population would read that and think "You've got to be fucking kidding me!"

What percentage of the American population is this crazy??

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 1804/16/2012

r18, they are the furthest right wing of conservative American Christianity, the very tippety-tip. Even conservative evangelicals like Lisa Whelchel would say they're insane.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 1904/16/2012

r18: 3%

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 2004/16/2012

The problem isn't their numbers (altho, they seem to be growing) it's that they're SO FUCKING AMBITIOUS! They squirm their way into politics (several Bush appointees with these beliefs were kept on by Obama) and other positions of power and breed like rabbits. See The Duggars.

I know if I was saying this in the 50s about Catholics, you'd check to see if I had a pointy hat in my closet but Catholics don't want to stone you and everyone you love in public for "sinning."

They're terrifying in that "normal" evangelicals love the idea of prayer in schools and bringing America back to its Christian nation roots (yeah, I know) so they fall for their message, never realizing that a Christian theocracy would be a nightmare for everyone including themselves. They fear Sharia law in America (which is so fucking remote as to be laughable) but welcome these fundy fucks with open arms.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 2104/16/2012

amen

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 2204/16/2012

Seriously, aren't the brides sleeves a bit short?

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 2304/16/2012

I hate to sound mean but these people always have cheap looking weddings in ugly warehouse like settings. There was only one that DWT posted that was done outside and was actually quite nice.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 2404/16/2012

I will also add that it's incredibly creepy the way the parents are so involved in their kids lives especially for the age of this couple.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 2504/16/2012

I love you, DWT, you never disappoint!

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 2604/16/2012

".... We dealt with it firmly, telling him that a boy who hit his sister would grow up to be a man who hits his wife, warning him that if he ever hit her again, he would suffer serious consequences....Sometime later, he again hit his sister and did suffer those serious consequences."

He'll never be able to tie his shoes by himself but we're glad he learned to hold a fork left-handed.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 2704/16/2012

She's a bit Appalachian looking. He is the pretty one of the two and really has a look of smug self-assurance.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 2804/16/2012

She reminds me a little of a young June Carter Cash.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 2904/16/2012

Every courtship should involve a trip to a gun show.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 3004/16/2012

The flower girls' dresses are adorable.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 3104/16/2012

Epcot honeymoon. They probably avoided Disney World with all of the gay stuff they have going on.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 3204/16/2012

That girl would be unrecognizable with a decent haircut and some makeup.

She really stirs my makeover gay within.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 3304/16/2012

[quote]Caleb, looking tenderly at his bride as Paul begins his message.

I kept reading that as:

[quote] Caleb, looking tenderly at his bride as Paul begins his massage.

Which would have been much more fun, of course.

Oh, and they both look like they play for our team.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 3404/16/2012

Seconding the opinion of whoever said they "out-Botkined the Botkins." Ye gods.

Interesting that they "satisfied the will of the magistrates" by obtaining a marriage license - I seem to remember the Botkins eschewing that particular step (ebil gummint being what it is and all...)

Nevertheless, there was enough drama contained in this one for 10 weddings. Who has the patience to sit through that much bloviating???

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 3504/16/2012

I've known Caleb for years, he's a great guy and quite the businessman. I've met both his parents and they seem very nice and down to earth too. Hunting season approacheth, sure I'll be meeting his wife this fall too.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 3609/02/2012

Good nutrition's given the Yucks some length of bone, but you're they're more than one generation from poor white Mennonite trash.

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 3709/02/2012

[quote] She's actually very pretty, with regular, delicate features. It's the lack of makeup that's washing her out when she's wearing so much white.

No. She looked okay in the first half of the pictures. Did you see the bottom pictures? She's weird looking. He's cute and he married way down

by DominionWackinessTrollreply 3809/02/2012
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