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It seems to be a common occurrence among Dataloungers that good friends will suddenly and inexplicably cut off all contact

This has never happened to me before and i cannot help but think that there is more to these stories than what their protagonists are willing to share.

Have you ever had a friend cut you off for no reason? Have you ever cut someone else off without an explanation?

Smoke my poll, won't you?

by Anonymousreply 2804/03/2013

You missed one option - "I have experienced both sides", so I just clicked on "Other".

by Anonymousreply 103/28/2012

I just cut off a good friend of mine. But it wasn't neither suddenly nor inexplicably.

What happened: we always got along great, had an instant connection (but no chemistry!). About 1.5 years ago she hit a rough patch and I was there for her. At times I went to her or phoned her several times per week.

Things went well for over a year until I hit a rough patch last fall (problems at work, uni and especially I got brutally rejected). I didn't expect her to drop everything but I would have liked her to recognise that I'm not doing well. People I don't really know commented on my well-being while she moaned and moaned about her life and the broken boiler in her house. I felt like there was only a friendship as long as I'm doing well, she denied but didn't change.

She is always on the go and meeting a lot of people and telling everyone everthing about herself but couldn't find the time to answer to a simple "hey, how are you doing?" text.

So I told her that this isn't what I would call a friendship and that was it.

by Anonymousreply 203/28/2012

I dropped a longtime friend, who I still sort of miss, once I fully realized he was a friend-emy, working against me and not being at all truthful. He had moved away and when he came back to town, I just didn't want him knowing my business. I ended up dropping a good mutual friend, because I really didn't want either of them knowing what I was up to. In the end, I didn't trust them, and I had done many favors for them in the past.

My life has been much simpler and easier since I did.

I ran into him a few months ago and I'm not entirely sure he understands what went on but then again, that's his way. He was so the same and still stuck in a place I had moved on from. I was nice but I'll never see him again.

by Anonymousreply 303/28/2012

I did it, and for many of the same reasons as r2. I realized I was expected to devote all my energy to worrying about his latest problems while he could barely remember the most banal details of my life. I finally woke up, realized what we had wasn't a friendship, and promptly cut him off permanently.

by Anonymousreply 403/28/2012

I hit 'other' because I have experienced both. A really close friend stopped speaking to me suddenly after we got back from holiday. I was devastated and it took me about a year to get over it. Roughly two years later he contacted me again, explained he had been trying to cut all ties with his past (this didn't quite square up as he had been in touch with other mutual friends). We renewed our friendship, but it isn't the same. He seems to feel the same closeness towards me as before, but I still feel a slight reserve towards him. I enjoy his company but still think of him as someone who might disappear without warning.

I have posted in other threads about the two or three people I cut off - in every case it was as a result of dishonesty, rudeness or abusiveness on their part.

by Anonymousreply 503/28/2012

[quote]i cannot help but think that there is more to these stories than what their protagonists are willing to share.

Oh you're kidding?! I can't imagine that the mental patients here on DL actually lie.

by Anonymousreply 603/28/2012

I think the real question is what you define as a "friend". People I hang out with occasionally or have a drink with on fridays aren't what I call "friends". My friends I would never simply walk away from, even if I hate them, they are friends.

If I would cut off contact with someone, it would be with someone who never was very close to me, thus not a real friend.

by Anonymousreply 703/28/2012

I always explain before the cut off.

by Anonymousreply 803/28/2012

I've cut people off because I knew them in a specific area of my life that I was leaving and didn't value the relationship enough to work to integrate them into my life in totality. This sounds harsh but in all honesty we were not compatible and I knew there would be friction if I kept them - such that I wasnt prepared to negotiate. It's happened to me twice - with my two closest friends and was quite painful but on reflection was a good learning opportunity. I am back in touch with one but not the other and that suits me fine.

by Anonymousreply 903/28/2012

I clicked that I was the rejected one, though I have also ended friendships.

But every time I've ended a friendship, there has been communication and I told the person why it wasn't working for me and gave them the opportunity to tell me if they saw things differently or if I was being unfair.

So that doesn't seem like suddenly and inexplicably cutting off all contact, to me.

However, both times I've had friends cut me off, there was no hint that things were going bad or that the he and she were unhappy with me or had problems I could do anything about.

In fact, the lesbian friend who did it to me had done it to others while I knew her, so when she did it to me, I knew it was part of her pattern.

The gay man who did it to me had been friends with a couple of people he was no longer friends with, and there were holes in the story about why they no longer communicated.

After he cut me off, it began to make sense to me that the situation with those other people was similar to my situation. He had simply chosen to cut them off at some point and had no good reason to do so, and therefore when he mentioned them, it never added up why they had been very close and then suddenly out of his life with no possibility even for a short hello on the street.

So, about OP's premise that we must be omitting information and there's more to the story than we're telling, I wish that were true and I could look at my behavior and find something I had done that I could examine or apologize for.

In both cases they were people I cared about deeply, and I would have loved to do some soul-searching and self-improvement in order to save those relationships.

Truthfully, though, as far as I can figure out, both of them had the habit of waking up one day and deciding they were tired of a friendship and were going to end it in a cowardly way, expecting me (and others, every time they felt this way) to go through weeks or months of trying to figure out what the hell happened.

I've felt that way about short-term bfs, but even then I generally have the decency to tell the guy it isn't working for me and I don't want to see him again.

The only times I've been so cold as to just not return someone's calls and expect him to get the hint is when we had only hooked up once or twice and there was no real investment on either side yet.

by Anonymousreply 1103/28/2012

I always get rid of friends I party with after a while. I'm more of an achiever type who dabbles, rather than a hard core, go nowhere abuser.

by Anonymousreply 1203/28/2012

I have cut people off and also been rejected--more of the latter, to be honest. It hurts terribly but it's also made me work on myself, as I could see, at least in some cases, what I had done that had caused them to end the friendship. Working on the bad traits that have driven people away--too much anger and self-absorption in my case--has helped me to do better with new friends and also to cope with the rejection.

by Anonymousreply 1303/28/2012

I would have hit both as well. I actually had both happen with the same friend. When people just cut you off, it hurts for a while but, after a while you get over it. What is making me sad these days is having friends just fade away because of kids, demanding jobs, new relationships or moving away. I used to have such an active social life and making friends was almost effortless. Now I can go for days without hearing from friends and some people who I used to have regular contact with have disappeared gradually. It also couldn't have come at a worse time. I have been unemployed for a while. I am thankful that I have a partner but, I so miss having a few good friends to meet up and have a drink with or brunch, etc. I am thinking I made terrible choices for friends as they all seem so self involved now. I know I have made plenty of mistakes but, I was a supportive friend and was encouraging when they were down. Now that I need it, they have disappeared. I still have a very close childhood friend but, he is in another city.

I don't know what the fuck happened. It is a lonely feeling not having good buddies. I think friends are as important as having a life partner.

by Anonymousreply 1403/29/2012

I have a recent friend (we've been hanging out in the past year and a half, basically since I helped her in getting a well paying job) who I am starting to dislike.

I am realizing we are not compatible as friends. She is "a talker" and I'm "a listener." She can yammer on the phone uninterrupted for 48 min (yes, I timed it once), then ask "uhm, and how are you?" just before hanging up.

She goes into minutiae of every conversation she has with other people, most of whom I do not know. Like, she'll quote the whole conversation, and than the conversation that followed and then the next one, and so on. THIS IS EXCRUCIATING to listen to, because there is no insight to any of it.

She is very negative about everything, and if I ask her for advice about something she'll slam me with the worst case scenario.

It doesn't matter if our conversation is something benign or serious, we always end up having very tense moments. We totally get on each other's nerves, but neither wants to be the first to stop contact.

by Anonymousreply 1504/03/2013

I don't abide drama.

by Anonymousreply 1604/03/2013

I have cut off people I once considered friends. It never was for no reason. However I did not always offer and explanation to them.

by Anonymousreply 1704/03/2013

Every year or so I delete a bunch of contacts from my cellphone because it just gets too heavy.

by Anonymousreply 1804/03/2013

I find it interesting that dataloungers were so keen to cut other people off. And not keen to say why on this thread.

by Anonymousreply 1904/03/2013

Well, I think I gave some reasons. I still don't know if I'm going to fully do it or stay back and engage less.

by Anonymousreply 2004/03/2013

I had a friend cut me off, but it wasn't for no reason. It was because her husband graduated from his medical residency and got a job with a medical group headed up by a doctor who came from a wealthy, socially and politically prominent NYC family. In her mind, she had moved on from people like me. It was ok to be friends when we were all students and financially strapped, but when she hit the big time through her husband, I didn't make the cut.

I was really devastated because I had no clue she was that type of person. We hung out in the East Village and TriBeCa before Robert DeNiro moved in and gentrified the area. We bought our clothes on Canal Street and in "antique clothing" stores in the village. She lived in a kind of scary neighborhood that I never really felt safe in when I walked from the subway station to her apartment. But I went there all the time because we were such good friends. It didn't occur to me that she was "slumming" because her economic background was sketchier than mine. I saw us as equals and we were best friends for about 3 years, living out of each other's pockets.

So I can understand to a degree what it feels like to be suddenly cut out of somebody's life. I was angry and hurt for a long time and felt betrayed. But eventually I realized I was better off without such a two-faced, money-grubbing bitch in my life. I'm now a lot more careful about people and more sensitive to what someone's motives might be.

by Anonymousreply 2104/03/2013

I cut someone off because he was too self-centered and helpless. It was always about him and everyone else was a background player. Several years of bullshit. I recall one of the last times we hung out and I tried to make it work. I was updating him on some mutual acquaintances and talked on for a few minutes with no response from him. Finally I was sick of carrying the conversation (as usual) and stopped talking. After a minute of silence, he speaks. 'Does my hair look alright?' Haven't spoken to him in almost 13 years and from what I understand, he's still as vapid as ever.

by Anonymousreply 2204/03/2013

If I cut off all contact I couldn't torture them by sending cryptic, insulting gifts. So I would never do this.

by Anonymousreply 2304/03/2013

Even Facebook gives people an option for cleaning house, friends-wise.

by Anonymousreply 2404/03/2013

A very good (male) friend was getting beat up by his shitty boyfriend. The friend cried on my shoulder and I went out of my way to help him--we were good friends and that's what good friends do. I was glad to help him find a new place to live and rearrange his life so that he could stay away from his abuser forever.

Until he went right back to the boyfriend. That's when the friend stopped calling or returning messages.

I don't want the friend back but I am curious what he tells people when he's asked about me. I knew his parents well--what did he tell them when he was asked why we don't hang out anymore? I'd love to know but I never will.

by Anonymousreply 2504/03/2013

I cut off a friend who was a self destructive alcoholic. She moaned about how unfair things were and how awful her family was when in fact her family was ok and she had far more money, opportunities, and all-around parental support than I ever had. She was the one making herself miserable and torturing her family. Nothing ever satisfied her. She eventually broke with her family after they'd had enough of her shit. She got a mollusc-y looking gf who promptly stopped working and decided she was disabled, so my ex-friend supported her gf until she died basically of obesity after lying around in bed for 20 years.

Now I hear my ex-friend wants to reunite with her brothers. She's broke and she insisted 20 years ago that her mother not leave her anything in her will. So her mother went along with her wishes. I also hear my ex-friend is now disabled from taking care of her huge bedridden gf for years.

Talk about drama.

by Anonymousreply 2604/03/2013

Reasons I have cut people off:

1 Best friend from high school became a raging right wing bigot.

2 Friend who decided becoming a junkie was his calling.

3 Friends who were ubber cool until they had a baby and then they instantly turned into boring and predictable breeders.

4 Friends, a couple, invited me to a dinner to celebrate their commitment ceremony with the condition I not bring the guy I was dating at the time because they felt he "didnt fit into the spirit of the event". To this day I dont know what that meant except that maybe it was because he was a little younger and rough around the edges. Obviously I did not take part in their special day.

5 Friend who took up with a flaming catty queen who would constantly put me down and thought everything that came out of their mouth was some witty bon mot.

6 What I refer to as my Massacre of 2009. A total of seven people and pretty much the core of my social life. The problem was whenever we got together, if anyone was absent or left the room, the others would waste no time putting them down and criticizing them behind their back. Of course once their victim returned, everyone was as nice as can be to their face. One night I finally said, "shit, I hate to think about what you guys say about me when I'm not around." They replied, "Oh no. We love you. You're cool." Sorry losers, no sale.

In cases 1, 2 and 3, I never said anything or confronted them, just stopped returning calls, answering their texts or emails. I did the same with number 4 until they confronted me about it and I told them the reason. Five tried to make excuses and only made matters worse by saying his boyfriend didnt like me because he had never met a gay man like me before (?!) and so naturally assumed I was a phoney. As for those in number 6, I never said anything, I just vanished. I think my question on the last night we all hung out said it all. Why did I almost never explain myself in these cases? I really dont like confrontation and I saw no reason to drag out a process which for me, was over the instant I decided to cut them free.

by Anonymousreply 2704/03/2013

My high school best friend cut me off when we were in our mid-twenties, not immediately after I came out, but a year or two later after I got sober and was more publicly comfortable being gay. Of course, I always thought he was a closet case. Another year or two later my partner and I ran into him shopping in the Bloomingdale's Men Store. Really butch, Mike.

by Anonymousreply 2804/03/2013
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