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Karen Walker, awake and pissed

Why the hell am I here and awake so early? Did Pharmy Two forget to bring us our party favors?

What is this "brunch" you speak of? It sounds like a made up word that has no meaning. Like "motherhood", or "gainful employment."

And you're wearing THAT outside of the house? Oh honey......no.

by K. Walkerreply 12708/19/2013

Vodka is not just for breakfast anymore....

by K. Walkerreply 109/04/2011

Knock knock, anybody homo?

by K. Walkerreply 309/04/2011

I want a man who can make a woman feel like a girl. And who can make that girl feel like a slut. And who can make that slut feel like a woman.

by K. Walkerreply 409/04/2011

You'll do it like every self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of hand bags

by K. Walkerreply 509/04/2011

No one in the world would believe you're straight. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And you landed on a gay guy... and you did him.

by K. Walkerreply 609/04/2011

Excuse me, lady, would you happen to have a breath mint? You do? Well, pop it in your mouth, woman. It's not doing any good in your purse!

by K. Walkerreply 709/04/2011

Gosh, I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000 but the drinks are free so it evens out!

by K. Walkerreply 809/04/2011

It's Christmas, for goodness sake. Think about the baby Jesus... up in that tower, letting his hair down... so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dradel and see if there are six more weeks of winter.

by K. Walkerreply 909/04/2011

Karen: "Rosie, I just met the most incredible man!" Rosario: "Are you sure you just didn't lean into the doorknob again?"

by K. Walkerreply 1009/04/2011

I am...

ANASTASIA BEAVERHAUSEN

by K. Walkerreply 1109/04/2011

Uh, okay. I don't know what you people do in Costa-Guata-Mexi-Rico... But here in America, we don't eat birds.

by K. Walkerreply 1209/04/2011

No one in the world would believe you're straight. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And you landed on a gay guy... and you did him.

by K. Walkerreply 1309/04/2011

r13...stop copying r6

by K. Walkerreply 1409/04/2011

Oops, sorry, you're right R14. Instead:

Oh I'm telling you, she's evil! I'm being tortured in my own home; she's irresponsible, she's lazy, she drinks, and worst of all she makes fun of what I wear. What are you suppose to say to a woman like that?

by K. Walkerreply 1509/04/2011

Hello Starshine

by K. Walkerreply 1609/04/2011

Oh Lord, honey, you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearin'.

by K. Walkerreply 1709/04/2011

Are you workin' me, Wilma?

by K. Walkerreply 1809/04/2011

What really happen to aunt Alice?

by K. Walkerreply 1909/04/2011

(Admiring her jewelry...)%0D %0D %0D On my knees in Beliz%0D On my back in Iraq%0D And then there was that summer in Nantucket...

by K. Walkerreply 2009/04/2011

*Grace's head is buried in Karen's crotch* "Grace, honey, I only did this once in college and I didn't really like it. And I only did it so I could borrow my roommate's Halston skirt."

by K. Walkerreply 2109/04/2011

Here, honey, have some mood-stabilizer party mix: uppers, downers, and candy corn.

by K. Walkerreply 2309/04/2011

Oh grab a bottle, hunker down and pray for daylight.

by K. Walkerreply 2409/04/2011

Grace: Karen, what are you doing here?%0D %0D Karen: I'm hiding out. They'll never think to look for me in government housing.

by K. Walkerreply 2509/04/2011

These are brilliant! Love Karen.

by K. Walkerreply 2609/04/2011

To waiter...%0D %0D Who said you can look me in the eye, apron boy!

by K. Walkerreply 2709/04/2011

Botox doctor: So, Mrs. Walker, the usual?

Karen: Oh no, honey, Mommy's got a deep one today! Break out the crap you're testing on rats and pigs!

by K. Walkerreply 2809/04/2011

Look at me, I'm a funny lesbian! I'm Ellen!

by K. Walkerreply 2909/04/2011

Oh kids ruin everything. I mean look at the stitching on this. You cannot trust a ten year old to do a good hidden button.

by K. Walkerreply 3009/04/2011

Let me show you my swatches

by K. Walkerreply 3109/04/2011

Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?

by K. Walkerreply 3209/04/2011

You dragged me down to this God forsaken place to tell me my kids made the Honor Roll? Honey, my time is precious. Call me when one of them gives birth at the prom!

by K. Walkerreply 3309/04/2011

(Deciding she can after all have a relationship with the hunky hotel employee - - - totally paraphrasing here)%0D %0D HUNK: But you're upstairs and I'm downstairs%0D %0D KAREN: That's OK we'll make do%0D %0D HUNK: You have all this money, I'm broke %0D %0D KAREN: We'll share%0D %0D HUNK: I love you!%0D %0D KAREN: I love you. You've made me so happy. Let's celebrate with a toast!%0D %0D HUNK: Oh, I'm sorry I don't drink.%0D %0D KAREN: It'll never work we're from different worlds (walks away)%0D %0D

by K. Walkerreply 3409/04/2011

They're trying to make gay people straight? Good Lord! Don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?

by K. Walkerreply 3509/04/2011

Honey, she's wearing synthetic plaid. She's a four day ride and a boat trip from a place called hope.

by K. Walkerreply 3609/04/2011

Lionel: 'I came as soon as you called'%0D %0D Karen: 'Well that's very flattering, but let's talk about us'

by K. Walkerreply 3709/04/2011

Karen has a pill in one hand and a martini in the other: "Why are the two of you so good to me?"

by K. Walkerreply 3809/04/2011

It's the oldest story in the world, honey. Boy meets girl, boy meets new girl, boy dips girl, boy sleeps with boys. Wait a minute-maybe that's not the oldest story. Maybe that's the Sal Mineo story!

by K. Walkerreply 3909/04/2011

Oh Jackie, when I look at these olives at the bottom of my martini glass, I can see 2012. You will be asked to help the rainbow peacock again by playing a gay TV father to a 12 year old boy, only this time there there's no Rosie, Rosario or a shred of grace. And with no beaverhausen living in the house, YOU'LL be made to wear the Chanel slingbacks. With that kind of premise and writing, I'm thinking the Mayans were predicting the 'end of gays' not the 'end of days' in twenty twelve.

by K. Walkerreply 4009/04/2011

Gosh, I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000 but the drinks are free so it evens out!

by K. Walkerreply 4109/04/2011

R41, keep your eyes on your own work

by K. Walkerreply 4209/04/2011

[R41] we love that one! We loved it when it was [R8}.

by K. Walkerreply 4309/04/2011

@r1 here's another:

Grace: Trivializing one of her own character flaws...

Karen: "Oh Honey, that would be like calling Vodka JUST a breakfast beverage".

by K. Walkerreply 4409/04/2011

Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out.

Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack. Good morning!

by K. Walkerreply 4509/04/2011

Looking at Grace's cow-print skirt-

"Move. Move. Moooo-ve!"

"Got skirt?"

by K. Walkerreply 4609/05/2011

Honey, we talked about that blouse...

by K. Walkerreply 4709/05/2011

Honey, when I agreed to drive you to the set, you didn't say it was on Staten Island. How the hell am I ever gonna get the stench of landfill and working class families out of tropical lightweight wool?

by K. Walkerreply 4809/05/2011

Karen to woman passing by: Oh, honey, could we get a couple of seared ahi salads with honey mustard on the side? Woman: I don't work here. Karen: That wasn't my question.

by K. Walkerreply 4909/05/2011

Honey, what's happening?

What's that?

What's going on?

What is all this?

by K. Walkerreply 5009/05/2011

honey, pull up your pants! you're my lawyer, not my dentist!

by K. Walkerreply 5109/05/2011

Lay a paw on me and you will be picking up two different stones from the street.

by K. Walkerreply 5209/05/2011

You say potato, I say vodka.

by K. Walkerreply 5309/05/2011

Cook sometimes cleans, Cleaner sometimes cooks, Driver sometimes provides an alibi....

by K. Walkerreply 5409/05/2011

Karen: "Excuse me sir, I'm looking for Nurse Carver."

Lea DeLaria: "I'm Nurse Carver."

Karen: "Oh, I am sorry. How rude. I always forget that men can be nurses."

DeLaria: "What do you want? By the size of your pupils I'm guessing and upper."

Karen: "I'm a friend of Jack McFarland and I want you to stop picking on him. Your insults are undermining his confidence."

DeLaria: "Which one is he again?"

Karen: "Ah, the big sissy that will never amount to anything."

by K. Walkerreply 5509/05/2011

Your mother doesn't know you're gay? What is she--headless?

by K. Walkerreply 5609/05/2011

Listen, I have got one question for you and you'd better consider your answer very carefully. My attorney is horny as hell. I know he's not much to look at, but he's horny as hell. Now, if we drop this whole thing, would you go out on a date with him?

by K. Walkerreply 5709/05/2011

On the phone with Will, looking at a male and a female FBI agent:%0D %0D Honey, there are two men from the FBI here and I need you to....

by K. Walkerreply 5809/05/2011

What did you do, lose the big stick that you poke the bears with?

No honey, here it is.

by K. Walkerreply 5909/05/2011

"Beverley Leslie with your pants so tight, won't you be my partner tonight?"

by K. Walkerreply 6009/05/2011

"Honey, your gayness can be seen from space!"

Karen to bartender...

"Ah Smitty what's it all about? Oh wait, I don't give a crap."

by K. Walkerreply 6109/06/2011

To Beverley Leslie: 'You frosted mini-wheat!'

by K. Walkerreply 6209/06/2011

Oh my, how would you like to live under my skirt?

by K. Walkerreply 6309/06/2011

Meeting an ex-gay and an ex-lesbian:

"Honey, was that just two men or two women?"

Turning down an invitation from Will:

"Oh, honey, I'd come ... but I don't want to."

by K. Walkerreply 6409/06/2011

Nothing's more sad than a bunch of queens sitting around quoting a tired sitcom from the 1990s and laughing at each other.

by K. Walkerreply 6509/06/2011

Oh wait, there is one thing sadder. A bitter old troll with nothing better to do than complain about a bunch of queens sitting around quoting a tired sitcom from the 1990s and laughing at each other.

by K. Walkerreply 6609/06/2011

Attention: Beverley Leslie is a homosexual. I repeat: Beverley Leslie is a homosexual.

by K. Walkerreply 6709/06/2011

Well well well , Karen Walker. I thought I smelled gin and regret.

by K. Walkerreply 6809/06/2011

Milk

Milk

Lemonade

Around the back

Fudge is made.

by K. Walkerreply 6909/06/2011

Martini, honey, and dont waste any space with those olives!%0D %0D %0D Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! This is a place of business! Were trying to get some work done in here and we dont need you just barge in...Okay, Im saying it and I don't even buy it. (starts laughing)%0D %0D %0D GRACE(mockingly): Honey, what's going on, what's happening, what's this all about?%0D %0D KAREN: Honey, what's this, what are you doing, who's that supposed to be? %0D %0D %0D %0D %0D %0D %0D

by K. Walkerreply 7009/07/2011

KAREN: Don't give me that "hee hee hee!" How dare you come between a man and his wife! What you're doing is morally wrong! I have kids with that man! His ex-wife's body is ruined as a result! But he's all I've got. You think that you're coming between me and Stanley Walker, you're not gonna get him without a fight. That's right, lady, put 'em up!%0D %0D TINA: Who's Stanley Walker?%0D %0D GRACE: Karen, she's having an affair with Will's dad.%0D %0D KAREN: Oh. Oh! Well, good for you, honey! He's a good catch, keep up the good work ... got a nice ass!

by K. Walkerreply 7109/07/2011

KAREN: Ugh. Get lost, Wilma. Thanks to you, I've got all these awful memories flooding back. My dog getting hit a car. My three-legged dog getting hit by a slower car. My dog, on a little cart, rolling under a school bus.

WILL: Well, as hard as it is remembering these things, dealing with them is how you heal. Was this all the same dog? Why wasn't he on a leash?

by K. Walkerreply 7209/07/2011

It's acting! How hard can it be?! I mean Kate Beckinsale is doing it, for chrissakes!

by K. Walkerreply 7309/08/2011

These are truly hilarious, but how are you people quoting the lines so perfectly? Is there some kind of a new book out, "The Witticisms of Karen Walker?"

by K. Walkerreply 7409/08/2011

No, R74! (and now I shall do my best to impersonate an obnoxious 24-yr-old hipster from Williamsburg, NY)%0D %0D But there are web sites and something called Google, if you'd care to join the 21st century.%0D %0D What are books? Are you by any chance referring to Kindle data?

by K. Walkerreply 7509/08/2011

Back off, Lezzy Borden.

by K. Walkerreply 7609/08/2011

Just saw the Shohreh Aghdashloo episode today...

"Smoking in the office. So inappropriate. Hey, anybody mind if I take my boob out for a second?"

*************************************

"How dare you call me a racist!

A homophobe? Maybe.

Distrustful of Spaniards? Who isn't.

But nobody calls me a racist. And you can ask anyone I own."

by K. Walkerreply 7711/15/2011

Karen: I've got nothing and that miniature pony offered you all his money just to take a few rides on him. And you said no? Jack: But I don't like him. Since when is that a problem? Jack: Well played. Ah! I can't do it. Karen: Oh, you'll do it. You'll do it the same way any other self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus, and think of handbags.

by K. Walkerreply 7811/15/2011

Karen: You OK Honey?

Jack: No I'm not. I thought I wanted to teach this class, but now that I have it again it feels like a step backwards.

Karen: Maybe you're just moving on. You're showing growth.

Jack (crossing his legs): Oh sorry.

by K. Walkerreply 7901/25/2013

Karen: (bursting into an AA meeting) Attention Weaklings! This woman is a fraud. She's not an alcoholic.

Val: Of course she is. If that's not a booze face, I don't know what is.

Grace: Karen, get out of here.

Karen: Grace, I'm trying to help you. The first step is admitting that you don't have a problem. Come on Grace, let's go.

Val: She's staying! She's a horrible, horrible drunk.

Karen: The only thing that's horrible about Grace is her hair and her clothes.

Val: I know. It's like there's no safe place to rest your eyes.

by K. Walkerreply 8001/25/2013

For your entire life Fate has been cruel to you in almost every way. So maybe this time Fate stepped back, took a good look at you and said "You know what? Enough already."

by K. Walkerreply 8104/08/2013

Attention Republicans...

by K. Walkerreply 8204/20/2013

.

by K. Walkerreply 8307/07/2013

You're just a dirty little pig boy. You know what we do with dirty pig boys, right?

by K. Walkerreply 8407/07/2013

Rosario:Rosario: Miss Karen? We have a little visitor. Karen: Oh, for god’s sake, I’m not your mother. You know where the tampons are!

by K. Walkerreply 8507/07/2013

I am pissin' myself laughin'. I think my defibrillator just kicked into hyper-drive.

by K. Walkerreply 8607/08/2013

Lushalina!

by K. Walkerreply 8708/15/2013

I 69'd with Karen.

by K. Walkerreply 8808/15/2013

You dragged me down to this God-forsaken place to tell me my kids made the Honor Roll? Honey, my time is precious, call me when one of them gives birth at the prom!

by K. Walkerreply 8908/15/2013

R88 Oh, honey. Who hasn't?

by K. Walkerreply 9008/15/2013

I tribbed with Gillian Anderson.

[quote]Oh, honey. Who hasn't?

by K. Walkerreply 9108/15/2013

It’s time to get your head out of the dumps and your legs in the air!

by K. Walkerreply 9208/15/2013

Karen: Lorraine, if that dress were any shorter, we could see your English muffin.

Lorraine: If your blouse was any lower we could see your Yankee Doodles.

by K. Walkerreply 9308/15/2013

Oh yeah, honey.

We're ALL lesbians when the right man isn't around!

by K. Walkerreply 9408/16/2013

Karen, leering at one of Grace's pretty girl students:

"Mom---basa!"

by K. Walkerreply 9508/16/2013

Honey!

I don't "produce" theater. I AM THEATER.

by K. Walkerreply 9608/16/2013

Pilgrim shoes.

by K. Walkerreply 9708/16/2013

Grace: OK, this is a little embarrassing, but I had the weirdest dream last night.

Karen: Oh honey - is is the one where you're wearing sweats that make you look like a large formless piece of clay? ...cause that ain't no dream.

by K. Walkerreply 9808/16/2013

"Honey, you're simple, you're shallow, and you're a common whore... that's why we are soulmates!!"

by K. Walkerreply 9908/16/2013

KAREN: It's not something you can just run away from, like a hotel bill or a crying baby!

by K. Walkerreply 10008/16/2013

KAREN: I raised two step-children on my own.

GRACE: Karen, you have a staff of over 30. Including one who looks exactly like you in case one of the kids wants a hug from "Mom" in the middle of the night.

KAREN: Honey, that's not fair. I loved those kids. And so did Karen II!

by K. Walkerreply 10108/16/2013

[LYLE ENTERS THE PLANE.]

LYLE: Oh, sorry, darling. I'm really not sure about this. You know, I get petrified about flying.

KAREN: Oh, darling, I feel bad. I just took the last 12 Xanax.

by K. Walkerreply 10208/16/2013

KAREN: Sheesh. Can you believe him? Light beer. What's next? Non-addictive painkillers?

by K. Walkerreply 10308/16/2013

My my my my my. If it isn't my dear friend, Karen Walker. So nice to see you!

by K. Walkerreply 10408/16/2013

R77, my favorite quote from that was:

KAREN: Nice purse, honey.

PAM: It's not made out of camel, if that's what you're implying.

[PAM GRABS THE PURSE AND WALKS OUT.]

KAREN: [GIGGLES] I kind of was.

by K. Walkerreply 10508/16/2013

"Why it's Beverley Leslie....well honey if you're not doing anything tonight I'm having a few friends over for monopoly and I'm missing one of the pieces"

by K. Walkerreply 10608/16/2013

Karen just had a talk with Grace's intern, Gillian (Natasha Lyonne), about not trying to be like Karen, but to pay more attention to Grace. Karen tells Gillian to go out and buy a nice present for Grace, but nothing in orange or purple or stripes or plaid or yellow...

Grace has been eavesdropping at the door and surprises Karen and thanks her for turning Gillian more towards admiring Grace instead of Karen.

Grace is wearing a nice polka dot dress which causes Karen to lean back in her chair and yell down the elevator shaft at Gillian:

"Or polka dots!"

Kills me.

Gillian: "Can I still use "Honey?"

Karen: "What? Oh honey....NO!"

by K. Walkerreply 10708/16/2013

Oh honey.....no.

by K. Walkerreply 10808/17/2013

I loved the bit about Grace telling Karen and Will that she has the capability to get "kinky" during sex -- much to their hysterical delight.

I wish it was on YouTube -- hilarious.

I roared when it aired.

by K. Walkerreply 11008/17/2013

Grace: Karen... I wanna ask you something, but it's really personal, and I'm afraid you're gonna be insensitive.

Karen: Oh, honey. That makes me feel bad. Try me!

Grace: Okay. Do you think it's weird that I've had more partners but less actual sex than Nathan?

Karen: No. No, honey! That just means that people like having sex with Nathan and they don't like having sex with you!

Grace: I can't believe I hesitated to ask you about that.

Karen: Oh, relax, honey. I didn't mean it like that, of course I didn't! Listen to me! I just meant that people don't like having sex with you, okay?

by K. Walkerreply 11108/17/2013

Jack walks into the apartment as Karen and Grace are discussing the boycott of Happy Noodle.

JACK: [sighing] Hey. Sorry I'm late. I had to walk Bertram home from our date. That's right. Walk. My millionaire believes in being thrifty. I tell ya, if there was a step he took that didn't have a fart after it, I didn't hear it.

KAREN: It sounds like this woman in my office. Boy, can she let 'em rip! [makes farting noise and waves her hand in front of her nose] Pew. Stinky.

by K. Walkerreply 11208/18/2013

Denied. Denied. Accepted!

by K. Walkerreply 11308/18/2013

DOCTOR: Mrs. Walker, the test results came back and it seems your husband didn't have a heart attack at all...

KAREN: (relieved) Oh thank God.

DOCTOR: ...but rather acute angina.

KAREN: (huffing indignantly) You've got a lot of nerve coming on to me while my husband is dying. Wow.

by K. Walkerreply 11408/18/2013

Karen Walker: Hey I have feelilngs too you know..... [Jack and Karen both break out laughing] Karen Walker: Dammit, I was trying to keep a straight face.

by K. Walkerreply 11508/18/2013

Got skirt?

by K. Walkerreply 11608/18/2013

Oh Lord, honey, you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearin'.

by K. Walkerreply 11708/18/2013

Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm.

by K. Walkerreply 11808/18/2013

Hey, hey, hey. Come on. I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... You know, like "maternal" or "addiction."

by K. Walkerreply 11908/18/2013

Grace: [as Karen is showing her breasts to a woman] Karen, what are you doing? Karen: She started it. Grace: Karen, she's breast feeding. Karen: Oh... That would explain the little bald man.

by K. Walkerreply 12008/18/2013

Karen: Grace, remember that afternoon and we were walking down 5th Avenue and you saw that ring in the window of Tiffany's and you said to me, "I would give anything to buy that ring"?

Grace: Yeah?

Karen: I bought it for myself.

by K. Walkerreply 12108/18/2013

Karen: Ah, Smitty, I'm having a little hubby trouble. How about cheering me up with one of your jokes?

Smitty: I'm afraid I'm not in much of a joking mood. You see, my wife died at Christmas, and I just haven't been myself since.

Karen: [laughs hysterically] Ah, Smitty! You always know just what to say!

by K. Walkerreply 12208/18/2013

I like Will's family. They drink.

by K. Walkerreply 12308/18/2013

[To Marlo Thomas offset--Marlo and Phil Donahue live in Karen's building]

Marlo Thomas—-look at you! Vintage '60s with a plunging neckline—-oh, and I love your dress, too, honey!

by K. Walkerreply 12408/18/2013

Honey, you know what's really sad? Poor people with big dreams... Well, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny!

by K. Walkerreply 12508/18/2013

Karen walking out of Jack's apartment. At the same time Grace walks out of her apartment carrying a bag of trash to the dumpster.

KAREN: Oh hey, honey. Wow, I love your new bag.

GRACE: It's garbage.

KAREN: Thank God you said it. Phew!

************

Karen getting off the elevator with her nose buried in a book. At the same time Will is coming out of his apartment carrying a bag of trash to the dumpster.

KAREN: Hey Will. Hey Grace.

WILL: Karen - this isn't Grace. This is a bag of garbage.

KAREN: Oh, silly me. How could I make that mistake... twice.

by K. Walkerreply 12608/18/2013

To Grace's boyfriend, Josh, who gave Grace a necklace made out of a rock he found in the street. Josh wants to give Karen a backrub to "release some of her anger."

"Lay one paw on me and you will be picking up two other rocks on 9th Ave."

by K. Walkerreply 12708/19/2013
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