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Why is it so hard to make gay friends?

My freshman year at university, I tried joining my school's GSA but nothing ever came out of that. Everyone pretty much standoffish and ignored me. I try to strike up conversations with other gay guys in my class but they always shoot me down or give one word answers. I don't understand what it is about me that all gay men hate. Straight guys and gals seem to flock to me but gays avoid me like the plague. It's really disheartening because once I came out, I thought I would be friends with similar, like-minded people who have fought the same struggle as me, but it has been the complete opposite.

by Anonymousreply 5702/22/2013

Again, I ask this question to a similar post, how can you say 'all' gay men 'hate you' when you don't know and never will know 'all gay men'?%0D %0D Just get on with your life. %0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 108/23/2011

R1, because from my own personal experience, EVERY gay man that I have come across has been unfriendly to me. Of course "all gays hate me" is more just a figure of speech

by Anonymousreply 208/23/2011

They are worried that you want to have sex with them, and they're not interested, so they don't want to lead you on. Honestly, this is 90% of the cause of unfriendliness between gay men who don't know each other.

by Anonymousreply 308/23/2011

R2/OP, R1 took you literally perhaps to make a point. I've been in your shoes. I go to my gym and see these gay gym bunnies dishing with each other. I try to join in conversation or make friends, whatever. It doesn't happen. But I ask myself do I really want to be friends with everyone? Probably not. I do try to live my life and when friends happen, they happen. And when they don't. It sucks. It's a process. Hang in there.

by Anonymousreply 408/23/2011

what do you look like

by Anonymousreply 508/23/2011

You know what, you really put that into perspective for me. Maybe these guys are doing me a favor and letting me know these aren't the type of people I should wanna be friends with.

by Anonymousreply 608/23/2011

I've had a similar experience, OP. Fortunately, I became friends with some gay men before any of us were out. Once they're out gay men in NYC seem to become very focused on what you can do for them socially or sexually.

by Anonymousreply 708/23/2011

do you have money, power, a hot bod, or a big dick? if not the gays aren't interested. and even if you have one or two of those things, they will likely only be happy with you temporarily. they are always looking for the bigger and better deal: someone who has all four. and is a little younger than you, too. the gays by and large don't value your intellect, your character, loyalty, community service, or sense of fair play. what can you do for THEM? do they benefit from knowing you? if the answer to these questions is "not much", don't expect them to talk to you...for even that costs them their valuable, irreplaceable time. it's like when someone old or fat walks down the street--they probably don't even see you, unless you are in their way. after years of trying to "fit in with the good gays" i reached the conclusions above. through the years i find i have more and more liberal-minded, straight friends.

by Anonymousreply 808/23/2011

R3 is right. If you're too friendly they think you want them - even the ones that look like shaved wildebeests will think that.%0D %0D I can identify with OP though. I went through the same disappointment 25 years ago.

by Anonymousreply 908/23/2011

I think R2 is correct. I am a nice looking guy and I have a boyfriend and so I'm not looking for anything BUT friendship, but I find a lot of gay guys to be ridiculoulsy standoffish. What, you can't say 'hello' back when I say hello first? As if returning a hello or a smile means I think that's an invitation for sex? I have plenty of straight male and female friends but I find gay men (in general) to be not the friendliest or most welcoming souls on earth, especially in situations where you'd expect friendliness (like gay & lesbian organizations and events, etc.)

by Anonymousreply 1008/23/2011

let's set up a club for disappointed gays

by Anonymousreply 1108/23/2011

R8 being bitter doesn't make your judgement clear.

by Anonymousreply 1208/23/2011

Take it as a compliment, op.

by Anonymousreply 1308/23/2011

OP I know exactly where you're coming from. For whatever reason, I dont mix very well with other gay men, and I really dont know why. Most of my male friends are straight.

by Anonymousreply 1408/23/2011


OP, I have the exact same problem with straight guys!

by Anonymousreply 1508/23/2011

You sound fat.

by Anonymousreply 1608/23/2011

Give it time. Meeting people with similar interests is always a plus, so if you are in a large city, then check out the activities they have going on and see about joining in. When I lived in Long Beach, CA, there was a gay/lesbian center and that was a nice place to go for info. %0D %0D Also when I lived there, I discovered that certain places (besides the bar) were hot spots for like minded people. The 8th place beach, for example. And then different shops and restaurants on a certain street. This was a while ago and things change a lot, I know. But these are just ideas about how to get to know other people, or at least meet them and then let time pass in order to develop friendships.

by Anonymousreply 1708/23/2011

[quote]EVERY gay man that I have come across has been unfriendly to me.

Every one? Are you hideously ugly, a hateful asshole, or lifting your caftan at them and squealing Yum!?

Seriously, EVERY gay man you meet being unfriendly means you are blind to whatever everyone else can see from space.

by Anonymousreply 1808/23/2011

Don't worry about it, OP. Just be who you are and make friends with people you have things in common with. Don't make your gayness the center of your life. It's just one aspect of who you are. .. If you click with someone socially and that person turns out to be gay, so much the better. if not, you've got a good friend anyway. Most important of all, don't think there is any inadequacy on you part. As the years go by, this will become clearer to you, and time will show you who your dear friends really are. .. Good Luck!!

by Anonymousreply 1908/23/2011

After I quit going to the GSA meetings I would see some of the guys around campus and they would always say "you're always welcome to come back." in that biting, snarky tone. God, I swear if I ever saw one of those assholes again I would strangle one of them! I hate being this bitter, and the sad thing is I think about this petty shit on a daily basis.

by Anonymousreply 2008/23/2011

Interesting spectrum of opinions bump

by Anonymousreply 2108/24/2011

this thread is useless without pictures.

by Anonymousreply 2208/24/2011

We are an extremely insecure bunch on the whole. We all fear rejection or being ridiculed so there can be WALLS that are hard to tear down with gay boys. Particularly those fresh out of high school and wanting to finally escape possible bad teen experiences. %0D %0D OP - just do your thing and people will click or not.

by Anonymousreply 2308/24/2011

You must be really hot - many lesbians are nervous around me and dance on the spot/can't look me in the eye etc. When I was younger I thought they thought I was a player but then gfs kept saying they couldn't believe I was their gf because I was so hot blah blah. Not bragging here but just putting my view into perspective ... so....... are you hot?


by Anonymousreply 2408/24/2011

R8 is right.

by Anonymousreply 2508/24/2011

The sex thing always gets in the way.%0D %0D A gay guy never knows if you're approaching for sex or friendship, so defenses are higher.%0D %0D The only long-lasting gay male friendships I know of are either (1) where both men are attracted to each other at some level, or (2) where neither man is attracted to the other.%0D %0D When there's an imbalance in that attraction dynamic, it causes tension and friction and eventually ends in tears.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 2608/24/2011

Sometimes when you approach another gay they assume you want to have sex with them.

by Anonymousreply 2708/24/2011

"I hate being this bitter, and the sad thing is I think about this petty shit on a daily basis."

This is where you start. If you don't want to be bitter just let it go and go do something positive or be with people who are nice. Don't let yourself keep going down this road or it will become a part of you. Holding a grudge only affects you not them.

You're young, instead of thinking about this petty shit on a daily basis, use this time in your life to learn new thing, read some books and figure out what makes you happy. When you're happy you will attract nice people straight or gay.

by Anonymousreply 2808/24/2011

I think it is the sex thing that gets in the way. I've approached gay guys with the intent of being friends - you know, just to go places or do stuff, and I think the rejection is based, in part, on the fact that these guys don't want to 'date' me. I'm not looking for dates or relationships - I'm just looking for friends.

by Anonymousreply 2908/24/2011

r28 sounds like a very sweet person, we all need friends like you.

by Anonymousreply 3008/24/2011

GSA groups attract angry damaged people. The leaders are people who have been doing this for four years and "rose to the top" by being clubby. Young people who aren't damaged, who just want to socialize, go once get their name on the email list or twitter page, and then only go to the socials. If you have a great interest in the political activism and its there that you want to make friends, your best bet is to kiss ass to the faculty adviser, who is probably there to make sure there is no sex going on.

by Anonymousreply 3108/24/2011

Gay guys don't go through a normal dating process as adolescents. Their family and friends never trained them, and it's kind of like languages, they can pick it up later but never easily. All those folks would have said, if asked why they were rude to you, "BUT I DON'T KNOW HIM," which is really stupid. A small minority should stick together. But so accustomed are many to being surrounded by hostility, they don't see opportunities.

by Anonymousreply 3208/24/2011

OP, I posted almost the same thing verbatim a few months ago. It really is the oddest many cool gay people on DL, but in real life I feel like gay men are allergic to me. I'm empathetic to your plight, trust me.

by Anonymousreply 3308/24/2011

Wow, there is alot of anger here... hey man, youmay be doing everything right. This has nothingto do with fat, or ugly, or any other horrible thing that these bitter queens are saying to you. Sometimes, its just hard to make new friends. Especially when you are new at a college. Just keep being yourself, and look for people who are GENUINELY being themselves, those are the ones you wanna start friendships with. Also, gay apps like growlr and scruff get a bad name, but are a good way of making new friends if you are honest in your profile, and you let it be known that is what you are looking for. Most importantly, remember that you are beautiful and unique you should never feel like an outcast and you should never believe in someone who would make you think or feel otherwise . Good luck!!!!

by Anonymousreply 3402/22/2013

Many years ago I had a gay friend. Other than that I have never had a gay friend. I have never understood why that is myself.

by Anonymousreply 3502/22/2013

[R35] I hope you aren't wondering why you have no friends.

by Anonymousreply 3602/22/2013

The homosexual suffers from low self esteem and a conflict of the inner ego. His id is corrupted and therefore the desires pervert and you have trouble recognizing friendship.

Much like you mistake the homosex love of a male for the non -nurture you got from your father, you cannot recognize that you lack the ability to bond correctly.

by Anonymousreply 3702/22/2013

OP -- are you sure you don't have attachment disorder? Imbuing this much meaning into your friendships and interpreting this much animus from people you don't know so well strikes me as a bit off.

by Anonymousreply 3802/22/2013

Become a gay for pay pron star.

The gays will come to you like flies to shit.

Better yet, be a gay for pay pron star who commits suicide. You'll have queens who never met you writing sappy, teary poems about how wonderful you were.

by Anonymousreply 3902/22/2013

R28 gives excellent advice for everyone.

by Anonymousreply 4002/22/2013

Many of us suffered rejection, insecurity, discrimination, even hatred in our youth. This can make us overly defensive and afraid to reach out to others. I also think many of us (no, not all of us) focus too much on superficial things like looks, money,'s a way of feeling important or better about ourselves or our associations. If you can avoid this, you're much better off. Take people (not just gay men) on their individual terms.

Always be the polite one. Whatever happens, be the nice guy in any situation. If some gay guy is rude to you, you can walk away knowing you were the polite one.

by Anonymousreply 4102/22/2013

You just went to the wrong school.

by Anonymousreply 4202/22/2013

Practice this glassy gaze, and you'll be on the most wanted list.

by Anonymousreply 4302/22/2013


by Anonymousreply 4402/22/2013

R38 is full of shit. "The" homosexual? You apply that psychobabble to ALL homosexuals? Fuck off. You must have gotten that stuff from a psychology textbook circa 1972.

by Anonymousreply 4502/22/2013

I have been in your shoes when I was in college, believe me.

Best advice: just be YOU and eventually you really will find good people. Follow your path. Find another group to talk to. Unfortunately, being gay doesn't unite us.

And being gay and very attractive (and hung!) or rich or well-connected will NOT insure you of friends, at least not genuine ones.

Also, IME, the gays who are unfriendly, backstabby, catty ultimately HATE themselves and have real issues with being gay and with themselves in other ways. Ignore 'em. Talk to someone else, they aren't worth it.

by Anonymousreply 4602/22/2013

r20, OP, yes, they sound like a bunch of a&&^%$es. They aren't worth it. You said that straights and gals flock to you. So, you must be doing SOMETHING right. Those gay guys sound like a bunch of insecure, jealous B**&^s. Let your friends and social life come from the others who flock to you. You'll meet people worth you who are gay. We aren't all like those catty queens. Those catty types aren't half as tough as they may appear and THEY AREN'T WORTH THE TIME OF DAY. I had puh-lenty of experience with those types. They are best avoided.

by Anonymousreply 4702/22/2013

Straight gals and guys flock to you so you must be doing something right????

That's the best you can come up with, R48? If the straights like you, you must be a good person? If the fags don't like you, it's because they're bad fags and not like, you know, the good people, the straight people.

1950 Datalounge is a fun place.

by Anonymousreply 4802/22/2013

Because it really takes until your mid-30s to grow out of the idea that every single man you meet is either sex material or firmly on the do not contact list.

The extended adolescence for gay men is a huge hump to get over but once you do you'll know freedom.

by Anonymousreply 4902/22/2013


Thread now closed.

by Anonymousreply 5002/22/2013

At first, when you introduce yourself (a great skill), treat them with kid gloves, like your feelings aren't primary - as if they might be a little retarded. Be generous. Would you really be upset if someone mentally handicapped acted out towards you and gave you attitude? If they do give you attitude, smile indulgently and let it go. After all, there's something else going on with them, which isn't your responsibility. When they give you attitude, laugh - like they just farted. And you don't give a fuck. This is very disorienting for this kind of person. Don't approach them again or expend energy in their direction again. It's their turn. If they don't, cool. If you see them on campus, wave and keep going. You'll get appealing, fast, to these kinds of people - but by that time, you won't care. If they don't act poorly after your initial greeting - treat them like an equal.

by Anonymousreply 5102/22/2013

R49 - settle....i think he was making the point that he is not hated by all and was just proving a point. I didn't see where he said their opinion was more important or valued unless I missed something.

OP - BTW - that kind of cattiness which seems so pervasive in gay men will always be a factor in making friends, but you learn to either ignore and carry on or give it right back.

by Anonymousreply 5202/22/2013

This thread originated on 08/23/2011 !

by Anonymousreply 5302/22/2013

Gay men are pretty much like straight men at any particular stage in life or economic stratta.

OP- essentially, you receive what you give. If you are pleasant and interested in other people, you will have no problem.

My guess is that you are giving off some kind of negative vibe. Anyone who makes a statement like all gay men dislike me has some kind of issue. It just is not founded in any kind of reality.

Cannnot really tell what is going on from your post other than you have expressed quite a big predjudice- what is that all about? Perhaps you need some help.

by Anonymousreply 5402/22/2013

Around the time I was at university I had lots of sex with gay men my age or a bit older, but few gay friends from that age group.

My closest gay friends were all quite a bit older; they were considerate, knew how to be good friends in a steady, not all-consuming way, and there was no sexual tension or competitiveness. I've always found it easiest to make friends among people who were older than me, but am especially grateful to have had good (older) friends at a time when my peers were too busy being bitchy and dramatic to be good for much anything other than a fuck.

by Anonymousreply 5502/22/2013
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