He wasn't a big bear before, trust me. But he had a bit more meat to him.%0D %0D He stopped drinking (completely) two years ago and has lost weight all over (even his cock, I swear). That is wonderful, but he is more slight than ever, probably in the 150 range. He is almost 6'.%0D %0D I'm just not attracted to him anymore. His arms are like sticks. He hugged me last night and it felt like nothing...just weakness.%0D %0D He eats maybe one meal a day, usually salad with some sort of processed, non-nutrional meat mixed in. He has a desk job and has no interest in exercising. He will take walks with me, but hikes are out. We did a hike last year and he passed out less than a half hour into it. He had to be carried down the mountain by park ranger/EMT's. It was mortifying.%0D %0D He has so many good qualities, but he is so skinny and gross to me now. Just not "manly". There is no way in hell he will go to the gym or work out at home with any equipment. I wish I could find a way to talk about this with him but he is so sensitive.
My BF lost all his muscle, and it grosses me out
|by Not getting turned on||reply 55||12/09/2012|
Oh, he is 45 and we have been together 3 years.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 1||05/27/2011|
Maybe you could broach the subject from the health angle--'passing out after a 1/2 hr hike isn't normal'-'one meal a day isn't enough to nourish a grown man' etc.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 2||05/27/2011|
Is there anything physical he enjoys? Swimming, dancing, gardening, volleyball? If nothing else, increase the distance of the walks to improve his stamina.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 3||05/27/2011|
I agree about the passing out thing, not normal.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 4||05/27/2011|
Why does he eat so little? I mean, the two of you are in relationship, surely you have a sense of what prompted him to start undereating. He sounds borderline-anorexic.
I would feel the same way as you. I would be turned off (and frustrated to the point of either intervention or breakup) if my partner set up his life to have zero muscle tone and weak/faint energy.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 5||05/27/2011|
Troll. Troll. Troll.%0D %0D (We're all going on a summer holiday!)
|by Not getting turned on||reply 6||05/27/2011|
Torta, his entire family is like that. They just don't eat much (maybe I am jealous). None of them are breakfast eaters, lunch is a salad or sandwich, and dinner is "if I'm hungry". %0D %0D We don't spend every night together so I can't cook for him (I do, often). He will sometimes eat a big dinner, but otherwise eats so little that he'll have a colon blow within the hour if he eats something like steak or a burger even.%0D %0D He is one of those people who thinks he's smarter than everyone else (PhD) and yet, is insecure about his looks and body. God bless him, he is also a redhead.%0D %0D The insecurity makes him LESS motivated to work out or work on his appearance, instead of having the opposite effect.%0D %0D I am in the process of changing my body right now - big time - having lost weight, also stopped drinking much at all, no smoking, and working out daily. Summer is here; I want to hike a LOT, swim, kayak, cycle. He is not physically capable of doing any of those things (he hates the water). %0D %0D
|by Not getting turned on||reply 7||05/27/2011|
How about casually showing pictures of him when he had more muscle and saying how hot he looked? And then say you don't want to work out alone and that he should join you.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 8||05/27/2011|
What is the best thing about your relationship?
|by Not getting turned on||reply 9||05/27/2011|
R9, he is kind, smart, sometimes funny, generous, and sweet. He is sometimes good in bed. But more and more I am just feeling his bones and sharper angles, and I don't like it.%0D %0D Probably the best thing about our relationship is that we spend about half the week apart to do our own thing. When we are together we just focus on us, but I'm not feeling it too much anymore. There are some financial stresses and a few other side issues, but overall, the feeling I get when I look at him just...makes me sad. He doesn't care about his appearance much at all. Won't trim his nose hairs, wear deodorant, wash with soap or get a decent haircut. These things used to not bother me but now they do. %0D %0D I feel like a shallow asshole. I do love him.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 10||05/27/2011|
Tell him while you accept and support his decision you'll leave him, because it is your believe that you are no longer compatible.
Under no circumstances try to change him back (unless you find out that because he lost weight because of you), because it will only extend the drama and emotional turmoil you're going through.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 11||05/27/2011|
If this is not an EST, I feel sorry for your boyfriend. Maybe it's time to do him and favor (and yourself) and cut him loose?
|by Not getting turned on||reply 12||05/27/2011|
He sounds really depressed and all you can think about is not being turned on. Yes, OP, you are a real catch.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 13||05/27/2011|
[qoute]He doesn't care about his appearance much at all. Won't trim his nose hairs, wear deodorant, wash with soap or get a decent haircut.
He does sound depressed.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 14||05/27/2011|
No, he's not depressed at all. He has some stress, but depression is not the issue.%0D %0D Neither is anorexia. He really is just one of those people who doesn't care about food at all. Not going out to dinner, not the taste, not the comfort of a home-cooked meal on a cold winter night, or the fun of grilling and eating on the deck in summer. He doesn't care about any of that. You could put a bowl of chips and salsa in front of him and it would mean the same as lobster and steak. He doesn't care. I REALLY enjoy food (too much), cooking, eating with friends, the whole ritual. We do not share this at all - it's odd how now I realize how much of a divide there is between us on this.%0D %0D I used to go to SO much trouble making him gourmet meals - really working on them - and he may or may not have said "thanks". But I have never heard, "Wow, that's good!" or any other comments - EVER. So now I don't even cook for him that much anymore. He is indifferent about it as much as he is about so many things.%0D %0D %0D %0D
|by Not getting turned on||reply 15||05/27/2011|
It sounds like the whole family has issues (with food). %0D %0D This isn't going to change, OP. Especially not if everyone else in the family is like him. Either get along with it or dump him. You can't change him
|by Not getting turned on||reply 16||05/27/2011|
Depression, or any mood disorder, is not something a layman (or internet chat board) is qualified to evaluate. Depressed people are not necessarily "sad all the time."%0D %0D Could you get him to couples counseling? Your relationship needs it, and if he has a particular problem that should come out in counseling.%0D %0D It sounds like he's undergone a drastic personality change in just 3 years. Something is really wrong.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 17||05/27/2011|
"No, he's not depressed at all. He has some stress, but depression is not the issue."%0D %0D Are you absolutely sure about this, OP? He has all of the symptoms of clinical depression. Depression doesn't need to be dramatic; it can a constant, low-level type of thing. too:%0D %0D Dysthymic Disorder (or also referred to as Dysthymia) %E2%80%93 Nearly constant depressed mood for at least 2 years accompanied by at least two (or more) of the following: %0D %0D decrease or increase in eating %0D difficulty sleeping or increase in sleeping %0D low energy or fatigue %0D low self-esteem %0D difficulty concentrating or making decisions %0D feeling hopeless %0D
|by Not getting turned on||reply 18||05/27/2011|
Even if was depressed, and he would NEVER admit it, he would not go to the doctor. He should see a doctor about several things - but he won't. He just won't. He sees things like therapy, a checkup, a physical, or taking medicine as "weak". He has told me as much and I don't expect him to change.%0D %0D He has paid into his insurance plan for a couple of decades and as far as I know, never been to the doctor. I'm not kidding - never.%0D %0D I finally got him to see a dentist about his teeh after noticing we'd been together this long and he'd never gotten a cleaning (plus they were getting nasty). Turned out he needed a bunch of work done. Dentist told him to floss - but, he's "above that" in some way.%0D %0D He is one of those people who is so intelligent that he is eccentric. He doesn't see himself that way, but he is. Someone reading this thread may remember a thread I posted a while back about how much he LOVES dinosaurs (toys, clothes, games etc.). I was amazed that so many of you thought that was "cute". I think it is creepy, and I love the guy!%0D %0D He doesn't take care of his teeth, hair, face, skin, or body not because he is depressed but because he never learned how and also places no value on those things whatsoever. His mom never taught him this stuff (she is also highly functional and intelligent but extremely odd). He truly never realized the importance of things like a daily shower, etc. until I had to come out and tell him he smelled. His feelings were incredibly hurt. Even now, he does shower, but he just rinses. He literally stands there under the water - the soap isn't touched.%0D %0D Once I tried rubbing a bit of lotion onto his forehead in winter, which was very dry, and he got angry - saying that was for girls.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 19||05/27/2011|
He sounds incredibly insecure at the very least. %0D %0D People who function well do not freak out when others make point out problems with their hygiene or health.%0D %0D Obviously something is going on with him, mentally. Try to talk to him about it. Point out that he is different than he used to be. If this doesn't work - i.e. if he freaks out and becomes a blame machine - start protecting your assets and looking for a way out. He'll either wisen up and see that you're concerned and take action, or he'll retreat and start resenting you.%0D %0D You need to do something. This is what's called a breaking point.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 20||05/27/2011|
Emaciated%0D %0D Stinky%0D %0D Thinman
|by Not getting turned on||reply 21||05/27/2011|
The OP sounds so very midwestern.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 22||05/27/2011|
"He is one of those people who is so intelligent that he is eccentric. He doesn't see himself that way"%0D %0D I think he's lying, intelligent and sane persons know if they fit / don't fit into society.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 23||05/27/2011|
He has always been like this. He hasn't changed; I have. Having said that, I realize I am not exactly being fair.%0D %0D Not Midwestern; I'm from TX. Low achieving family. I admit it. He is from Ohio though. Ivy League grad. Mother was an aide to president Nixon. Father is a retired Colonel in the Air Force. All four of his grandparents are buried at Arlington. %0D %0D He accepts me. And yet here I am not liking these things about his appearance and health. I am so happy he's sober for so long (bourbon was a serious problem and he stopped all on his own - of course he'd be too proud to ask for help!). %0D %0D He is so much more accomplished than I am, and yet I look down on him for these things. And worse, I will probably leave him eventually if he doesn't change. %0D %0D %0D %0D
|by Not getting turned on||reply 24||05/27/2011|
"And yet here I am not liking these things about his appearance and health."%0D %0D Your BF is autodestructive, something is seriously wrong with his mental health.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 25||05/27/2011|
The military-republican background means that he still has self-loathing baggage. %0D %0D But I don't think that's the cause of his wasting syndrome. Maybe you have been too critical of his appearance, but perhaps not assertive enough in getting him to change - if his daddy was a colonel, he is probably used to men barking orders - and it has made him self-conscious or insecure around you. This whole "I don't care about food" and "I'm not the kind of person who exercises" sounds like very excessive insecurity. You don't have to be a gold medalist to understand that physical activity is necessary for good health, that humans simply have not evolved enough to live successfully in a sedentary body.%0D %0D But don't count out the physical. I think it's more likely, if his whole family are like this, that he has a medical condition that affects his taste buds.%0D
|by Not getting turned on||reply 26||05/27/2011|
He sounds like a typical dry drunk to me.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 27||05/27/2011|
Not ever using soap during his showers is one of the most stupid, eccentric things I have ever heard.%0D %0D He is an unbalanced, mentally disturbed, mentally ill person.%0D %0D If all he does is stand in the shower under water and rinse off without soap, doesn't he stink to high heaven?
|by Not getting turned on||reply 28||05/27/2011|
He's ill - he needs professional help. It's not as common with men, but he's at least annorexic if not bullimic and he needs to get in to see a doctor NOW. Make it an ultimatum - he is not healthy in any sense of the word and you will lose him if something isn't done.%0D %0D This comes from personal experience.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 29||05/27/2011|
Tell him you love him and you want to talk about it. Tell him that you would like him to take better care of himself both for himself and because you want both of you to be attractive for each other and that he has slimmed down to the point of not being really hot for you anymore.
You have every right to say this to him and if he reacts badly tell him you want to go to couples therapy to work on this, and that you are open to the possibility that it is your issue more than his, but that in any event this needs to be addressed.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 30||05/27/2011|
I would take him to the doctor, OP. Is he promiscuous? (Catch my drift?)
|by Not getting turned on||reply 31||05/27/2011|
R30, I have addressed it, as tactfully as I can many times.%0D %0D Many times.%0D %0D He will do better for a couple of weeks (trim the nose hairs which are seriously grody, shower when we are together) but then he just slacks off.%0D %0D He has an odd smell - not always b.o. but just more like the way an old person smells. Like my grandpa. And his breath is almost always pretty bad, even after brushing. %0D %0D Eh, the more I vent about it here (thanks for the replies, also) the more I realize I probably can't look at this for the rest of my life. And that's on TOP of mediocre sex, money problems, not mcuh compatibility, and his lack of interest and stamina for anything physical.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 32||05/27/2011|
No, he's not a slut. He far prefers receiving blowjobs (not reciprocating often) and jerking off to various porn more than anything else.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 33||05/27/2011|
OP, you need to leave him.%0D %0D I've been there, and if he will not listen to your pleas to at least meet you half way, there is no point wasting your time.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 34||05/27/2011|
OP Leave. It is not working out. It seems you feel like you can't believe this 'catch' would even bother to look at you. Well, he ain't a catch. You are better than him. He sounds like the type of guy you break up with and it hits him two years later and you start getting letters, emails and phone calls...
|by Not getting turned on||reply 35||05/27/2011|
Omg, I remember you posting like 3-4 years ago. He was the one who was borderline abusive (non-affectionate, would just retreat to the computer screen while you cooked after driving long-distance). Didn't you post pictures of him? I thought there was hope there, so I am glad to see you worked it out.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 36||05/27/2011|
Those are the smells of INFECTIONS and of someone who needs help: dentists and doctors.%0D Duh.%0D
|by Not getting turned on||reply 37||05/27/2011|
OP - he needs help. Even if he doesn't enjoy food to the level you do (and a lot of people don't), it is still not normal to only eat one meal a day. Even if some people don't love food and gain pleasure out of eating it, they still feel hunger and eat to gain nutrition and energy. If he is not hungry then that's probably because he doesn't have an active enough lifestyle. People who move around and work, go out, and exercise need more than a salad or sandwich a day. I agree with others that passing out on a 1/2 hour hike is not normal. If he's not active then it could definitely be because of depression. Another symptom of depression is losing interest in personal hygiene. He could also have some sort of mental disorder. The way you describe him it seems possible that he might have a mild case of aspergers. %0D %0D If he's not listening to you and you find his behaviour intolerable and the relationship unsatisfactory then you need to get out. If he won't acknowledge his problems then you cannot make him. People can only change when they recognise the need for change themselves. If you decide to leave, then I would be very clear with him about why you're leaving. Tell him that his lack of eating, his health issues and his hygiene issues are worrying you and that you can't deal with the self-destructive behaviour anymore. Tell him that although you love him you can't deal with his self-destruction and that it is ruining your relationship. Perhaps he might finally wake up?
|by Not getting turned on||reply 38||05/27/2011|
OP, I have a friend like yours in that he eats just for sustenance, not because he likes it. We were aghast that he hadn't eaten common fruits for his entire adult life, so we made him eat grapes, pineapple, peach, and 2 other fruits (that I can't remember) for his 40th birthday. He said that the peach was the "least offensive".
When we asked him why he didn't eat anything outside his comfort range (white bread, Amercian cheese, breakfast cereals, chicken, steak, potatoes), he replied that that was the way his whole family ate when growing up.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 39||05/27/2011|
|by Not getting turned on||reply 40||05/27/2011|
I remember OP. You used to live in Boston right and he lives in the philly area?
You are still together? Can't believe it.
Go and now.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 41||05/28/2011|
Why would you suck his cock if he doesn't bathe? %0D %0D He is who he is.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 42||05/28/2011|
It's called being passive-aggressive.%0D %0D Maybe if you weren't such an ASS, always throwing out HIS property, he wouldn't feel the need to be.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 43||05/28/2011|
OP sounds like a total fucking nightmare. A nattering Ms. Cravitt. No wonder his bf is depressed. Anyone would be suicidal after three years with this loser.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 44||05/28/2011|
|by Not getting turned on||reply 45||05/28/2011|
|by Not getting turned on||reply 46||05/28/2011|
|by Not getting turned on||reply 47||11/26/2012|
No pecs , no sex
|by Not getting turned on||reply 48||12/08/2012|
|by Not getting turned on||reply 49||12/08/2012|
OP, I'll bet your bf was the one who got that old lesbian's gf pregnant.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 50||12/08/2012|
He sounds tremendous.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 51||12/08/2012|
OP has lost his drinking buddy.
You aren't the first people who got sober (you only partially) and discovered you don't have much in common.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 52||12/08/2012|
OP, do you have an update? I didn't see it referenced, and don't recall your thread re your BF from a few years back. You found him attractive once upon a time. Other than the relatively recent weight loss, did he have similar behaviors and looks then (e.g., dry skin, poor oral hygiene, poor overall hygiene, etc)? Either he did, and it wasn't as much of a big deal to you at the time, or he didn't.
If it's the former, I wonder if you've become bored and over him. It happens. Sometimes, the aspects of a partner we initially liked -- or even adored -- become repulsive and irritating over time. I believe that this is more about us than the partner. If it's the latter, I agree with other posters re something significant occurring over the past three years that has precipitated this change.
Either way, you aren't feeling him. If you haven't ended this or worked this out since your original posts, and things haven't improved, it isn't fair to either of you to keep the charade going. In spite of saying you love him, your resentment of him was evident in your original posts, and it may be mutual for him.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 53||12/08/2012|
Dump the skeleton, there are plenty others to be loyal to until they disappoint.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 54||12/08/2012|
Maybe he's doing this deliberately to push you away.
|by Not getting turned on||reply 55||12/09/2012|