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Wedding etiquette

Is four months enough notice? A close friend told me he already accepted a party invitation for that evening and so can't come. Another close friend changed her vacation plans in the UK to come back one day early and be here, something I certainly wouldn't expect but for which I am very grateful. Would Miss Manners sympathize with my irritation with Friend A?

More generally, do we think gay weddings are taken less seriously than straight ones? I don't think I've ever replied "Great, I'll try to make it" to a straight friend's wedding invitation.

(I know, just face it, they're not that into me.)

by Anonymousreply 9207/02/2013

OP, search the Datalounge for the word "wedding", to find out how people REALLY feel about the damn wastes of time and money.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 105/06/2011

People generally don't give a shit about anyone else's wedding, just being honest. They just pretend better with straight people. I think most people assume gay wedding = nontraditional = forget their manners. It sucks OP but you have two options: call them on it and risk the fight or let it go.

by Anonymousreply 205/06/2011

First off, Congratulations on making it official, OP.

Now let's get down to brass tacks. Weddings generally suck. It's pretty hard to be interested in an idealized portrait of someone else's relationship for hours at a time, even if you genuinely like the couple, a ceremony and a dinner/reception is a long time to have to devote to being visibly thrilled for them. They almost always involve a lot of dull, no-surprises-there pageantry based on outmoded views on gender roles, bad food, waiting around, and amateur speech making.

People only go to weddings because they usually have free booze and it's tacitly understood that everyone gets at least one day to spend a lot of their parents money to be the center of attention -- and if you want to get/or have already had yours, you better toe-the-party-line and buy a gift that at least covers the cost of your chicken kiev. It's also historically been one of the few occasions wherein straight people are allowed to have guilt-free casual sex afterwards.

I do agree that there is an unspoken view that gay weddings are more frivolous than straight weddings. I'm not sure if this is because straight people don't take our relationships as seriously, I think it probably has more to do with the idea that straight people are usually intimately acquainted with how fraught straight weddings are with family drama, wedding party politics, religious/traditional/cultural baggage and expectations, that gay weddings, wherein the couple usually has a much freer hand to do whatever they want to, do seem frivolously laid-back (though of course they come with there own set of challenges and issues.)

The standard wedding advice is: do what you want, it's your day after all. If people are seriously RSVP-ing that way, my advice would be to try and throw a legitimately fun wedding that reflects on how much cooler your partner and you are than the vast majority of couples getting married. While your making your rounds glad-handing the guests, tell everyone who RSVP'd in such a flippant manner, that you hope they are enjoying themselves and that you'll try and remember to write thank you notes afterwards -- "but who knows, knowing us we might just take an extra week of honeymooning instead! You guys need another round of drinks!"

by Anonymousreply 305/06/2011

A party invitation four months in advance? Even State Dinners at the White House aren't planned that far in advance. Even the royal wedding was only about a five month prep. Four months is more than adequate though now more couples are sending out "save the date" cards or e-mails even further in advance of sending out invitations. Either way, it doesn't matter. It seems like your "close friend" didn't want to bother or maybe lives at a distance and has financial restrictions prohibiting expensive travel, a gift, etc. in these economic times.

by Anonymousreply 405/06/2011

Op, 4 months is way too early. Send a "Save the date" for now.

by Anonymousreply 505/06/2011

OP, if you loved your friends as much as you wish your friends loved you, you'd elope.

by Anonymousreply 605/06/2011

[quote]I don't think I've ever replied "Great, I'll try to make it" to a straight friend's wedding invitation.

Unfortunately, people have become this rude about all invitations, formal or otherwise.

by Anonymousreply 705/06/2011

so OP:%0D %0D "A close friend told me he already accepted a party invitation for that evening and so can't come."%0D %0D Do you think he should have magically known you were planning to get married that day, and kept the day open for you - just in case?%0D %0D Or should he tell the host, "I know I've already said I was coming to your party, but I just found out OP is getting married and I'd rather go there".%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 805/07/2011

Good lord people, do you all live in the jungle?

OP - it used to be three months. You CAN send a save the date way in advance. It could be that your friend has committed to another party because of the save the date notice.

Either way, don't fret too much. People do have plans. Travel plans are often made more than three months in advance to secure better plane ticket prices, or because of work commitments. Don't take it personally. Obviously, even in the best case scenario you will not have 100% of the invitees show up.

Worst still is that people now hate to commit, especially people in their 20's who still don't get how much time, effort and money go into parties. Make sure you put an RSVP date, but expect a lot of people to not respect that. You will have to make some calls to get an answer. You will find yourself having to say I need a yes or no now and get the no. And you WILL need a yes or no because of the caterer. Every YES counts and can be costly.

No, people do not attend weddings because they want a free drink unless they are idiots or immature, and you wouldn't want either at your wedding unless they are blood related. People will want to be there to share in your big day. There will be some invitees who will come because they feel obligated to (just like you felt obligated to invite them) but that's what good manners are all about and that's what helps us be successful social animals.

Congratulations, try to enjoy the process even though it can be the most taxing of times.

by Anonymousreply 905/07/2011

Thanks for all advice. To clarify, it was a save-the-date notice I sent out, not the invitation. But I guess all hands agree I am a princess for expecting a close friend to cancel his plan to go to a party and come to my wedding instead.

by Anonymousreply 1005/07/2011

Congratulations, OP. But in my heart, I agree with R6.

by Anonymousreply 1105/07/2011

Miss Manners would never accept the 'save a date' practice - it would be either an invitation to an specific event, or just trust to luck and leave it to the invitee to sort things out. Your friend is doing the correct thing by respecting a prior engagement, while your other friend only had to change her own plans, not mess up somebody else's, so her situation is not comparable.

by Anonymousreply 1205/07/2011

I am with Ms Manners on "Save the Date" cards. If you are communicating that you are going to send an invitation, why not just send the invitation.%0D %0D Or is "Save the Date" like a pre-engagement, giving both sides the chance to back out. The sender is considering inviting you but could change his mind if too many accept. And giving the receiver time to concoct a plausible excuse for not accepting an invitation.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 1305/07/2011

Get married. Don't have a wedding. No one likes them except the attention whores throwing them. Everyone knows it's nothing more than a grab for cash and prizes. Can you really not afford to buy your own household goods? I would be ashamed.

by Anonymousreply 1405/07/2011

It's a freaking party in the backyard with a minister, not an extravaganza with cupcakes and Liza.

by Anonymousreply 1505/07/2011

I agree with r6. Besides, you might as well tell people that attendance is mandatory if you're going to pout should they dare have other plans. Gay bridezillas....we've certainly arrived!

by Anonymousreply 1605/07/2011

A few things, OP, given that I've probably been to more weddings (both straight and gay) than anyone on this thread, including two coming up later this month:

1) Do NOT use the opinions of bitchy, jealous cunts on DataLounge as a barometer for determining whether people actually enjoy going to weddings. Many DLers loathe weddings for no other reason besides gay marriage remaining illegal in the U.S. on a federal level and in most states. Late-night posters are generally the worst in this regard; see cases in point, R1 and R2. A lot of people, myself included, love weddings, at least those of close friends and family members.

2) I have no idea where the several Miss Manners-wannabes on this thread got the idea that three months' notice is standard, but it has ALWAYS been customary to send out proper invitations six weeks in advance of the ceremony. Yes, most people additionally send out save-the-date cards (unless every guest lives locally), and it's customary to do so 4-6 months in advance -- four months if you have out-of-town friends and family coming in for the event, six if it's a destination wedding.

3) I don't know the full story, or just how "close" this friend who declined your invite actually is, but the story of him having an invite to a party four months in advance sounds like complete bollocks. NO-ONE plans parties that far in advance, unless one is on the host committee for a major event like the annual Met Costume Institute gala. For whatever reason, it sounds like your friend simply doesn't want to attend your wedding, and he made up a shit excuse for not being able to attend.

4) I disagree with R3's characterization of a general belief that gay weddings are more "frivolous" per se. Rather, I'd say a more accurate description is that straight people, and straight women in particular, are far more emotionally invested in weddings, and jump through all manner of absurd hoops to have the idealized fantasy wedding they've been dreaming about since they were 5. Consequently, straight weddings are -- at least in my experience -- significantly more elaborate and more of an "event," whereas I've only attended one gay wedding with more than 50 guests. (The two straight weddings I'm attending this month have 200+ each. My best friend, who got married last year, invited 75 family members just on *her* side.)

by Anonymousreply 1705/09/2011

The person is using perfect etiquette. He accepted the first invitation. Since yours arrived later for the same date he has an obligation to honor the%0D original. People shouldn't change their plans for a "better offer."

by Anonymousreply 1805/09/2011

Personally, I see a gay wedding as something much more special than a straight wedding, given the fact that it's not only a celebration of love but it's also a celebration of marriage being available to all.

I look forward to the day when I can receive a gay wedding announcement and think, "Another one?!"

It'll be happy exasperation, indeed.

by Anonymousreply 1905/09/2011

[quote] ... the story of him having an invite to a party four months in advance sounds like complete bollocks. NO-ONE plans parties that far in advance ...

My friends & I do. We try to get together at least once a year, but it's not easy -- some of them live over 2 hours away & most of them have very demanding work & family requirements. We wanted to meet in Feb this year but the first weekend when everyone would be free was in late May -- so we planned that in Jan.

Anything that involves a lot of people who live far apart might well have to be planned months in advance -- family reunions, for example.

by Anonymousreply 2005/09/2011

[quote]My friends & I do. We try to get together at least once a year, but it's not easy -- some of them live over 2 hours away & most of them have very demanding work & family requirements.

Rule, meet exception.

by Anonymousreply 2105/10/2011

I hate weddings, gay or straight. They are boring, tedious affairs thrown by folks who want attention. I make it a policy to only go to weddings of family members and even then, I'm pretty miserable.

Whoever said that people only go for the free food and booze is correct. I don't know of anyone who actually enjoys going to a wedding.

by Anonymousreply 2205/10/2011

you just sound like a whiney,bitchy fag, OP.

by Anonymousreply 2305/10/2011

[quote]The person is using perfect etiquette. He accepted the first invitation. Since yours arrived later for the same date he has an obligation to honor the original. People shouldn't change their plans for a "better offer."

Generally true. But not in this case.

It's hard to believe anyone is invited to two simultaneous parties four months in advance. But let's take this as true. Four months is plenty of notice to say to the host of the first event "I'm terribly sorry, but a dear friend has just announced that his/her wedding is scheduled at the same time as your party. I hope you'll forgive me, but I have to change my plans."

i think even Miss Manners would agree this is acceptable, even preferable to missing the wedding of a close friend.

by Anonymousreply 2405/10/2011

NO ONE cares about your "Queen for a Day" party except you, your partner, your parents, and the single girls who desperately hope to be in the same position one day, which will mean that they have found a man, are validated as a woman, and they get to live out all their princess fantasies.

by Anonymousreply 2505/10/2011

Maybe it is just about acceptable, R24, but it certainly isn't compulsory. Gayzilla's claim doesn't trump those of all other friendships and relationships (ones he may have little understanding of) and the friend is best able to judge his own priorities and obligations.

by Anonymousreply 2605/10/2011

Why is it so hard to believe that someone received an invitation four months in advance? My sister and I have been receiving wedding invitations and save-the-dates for months now. Most of them for May and June. Many of them are overlapping.

by Anonymousreply 2705/10/2011

OP, we had a large wedding last year, and I was appalled at the rudeness of people, particularly work colleagues who responded "yes", then didn't show. This was an expensive sit-down dinner, and a live band, the works.%0D %0D You just wait. The rudeness you are getting ready to experience will open your eyes.%0D %0D Oh, and most of the gifts SUCKED. Ugly, useless shit. People knew we just bought a fixer-upper too. At least some of our friends had the brains to get us Homo Depot gift cards.%0D %0D Oh honey - you have not even begun to see how rude people will get!

by Anonymousreply 2805/10/2011

The only good thing about weddings is the cake.

The other good thing about weddings is the open bar, but most people are cheap assholes so that's a rarity.

by Anonymousreply 2905/10/2011

R28 it's ironic that you don't see that you are the absurd, rude one.

by Anonymousreply 3005/10/2011

So let me make sure I understand this situation. You can send out an invitation 4 months in advance for your event, because it's YOUR wedding, and no one else can have also accepted an invitation that was sent earlier? %0D %0D To person who said "Bollocks" that the friend is ditching them, if the person can send out their invitation, why couldn't someone else? You logic is a bit shaky on that one.%0D %0D You are being a bit selfish. You say party, but you decline to say what kind:%0D %0D Your friends' Parents 50th wedding anniversary?%0D %0D Grandma's 100th birthday party?%0D %0D OP.. one thing I've learned...Never overestimate your importance to someone else.%0D %0D %0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 3105/11/2011

R28, that's why it's better to run off to Hawaii and get married on the beach at sunset alone. Then come home and throw a casual party for family and friends at your house. Whoever comes, comes....and you will probably have better attendance anyway since it's just a fun party and not some big, formal event.

by Anonymousreply 3205/11/2011

[quote] A close friend told me he already accepted a party invitation for that evening and so can't come.

Um, no, unless your "friend" is being invited to a state dinner, and even then... no.

by Anonymousreply 3305/11/2011

Um, yes, R33 ..yes; it's for the friend to decide his own priorities, not OP, who knows little about exactly what the other engagement is, and certainly not you, who knows nothing.

by Anonymousreply 3405/11/2011

I have never been a fan of weddings, straight or gay. In my opinion the union of two people is personal business and no noe else's business, having a "wedding" is a lot of look at me look at me look at me. %0D %0D Other people feel as though including others makes the marriage more legitimate but I don't do things just for the sake of what others think.%0D %0D I got married in the Judge's chambers and 30 years later am still happy with that choice.

by Anonymousreply 3505/11/2011

[quote]Um, yes, [R33] ..yes; it's for the friend to decide his own priorities, not OP, who knows little about exactly what the other engagement is, and certainly not you, who knows nothing.

Of course it is. The question before us is whether OP is entitled to feel betrayed, and the answer is yes. That the nature of the other event was not explained makes it worse, not better. If the other event were Grandma's 100th birthday party, OP, like anyone else, might feel disappointed, but he would understand. A reply "I am otherwise engaged" from a close friend is a slap in the face.

by Anonymousreply 3605/11/2011

[quote]But I guess all hands agree I am a princess for expecting a close friend to cancel his plan to go to a party and come to my wedding instead.%0D %0D Congratulations, OP, but let it go. %0D %0D Etiquette exists to grease the wheels, to provide some simple standards, a framework for dealing with others on some sort of even footing, without embrassment or awkwardness. When an invitation is declined, it's best all around just to accept it at that and not probe into the invitee's priorities and "the real reason behind" his decision. %0D %0D Just say, "I'm so sorry you won't be able to come; if your plans should change, I hope you might make it still," and move on. Harboring a grudge or fretting about the friend's veracity or priorities doesn't lead to a good end.

by Anonymousreply 3705/11/2011

Nothing quite like people who decide not only to be a self-involved, entitled princess because they are getting married, but to then "be mad" at the people who honestly aren't as consumed and impressed by your princess party as you are.

by Anonymousreply 3805/11/2011

I cannot believe the majority of responses. Talk about a thread populated by sociopaths. Have you no sense of what is important in life? Unless OP's friend had a family obligation like his nephew's bar mitzvah or his parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary to attend, he is an absolute jackass for not going to OP's wedding. And the fact that he didn't even bother explaining himself makes me think that he is bullshitting OP. Unless this is some equally important family event (in which case he would have simply said "It's my sister's 60th birthday and we're all going to Las Vegas that weekend" or something like that), I don't believe OP's friend. You do not skip a wedding for your neighbor's backyard barbeque.

by Anonymousreply 3905/11/2011

R39 can't be a gay man, surely? So upset about people's resonse to a total stranger's wedding? Calling said people sociopaths?! Hilarious.

by Anonymousreply 4005/11/2011

[quote]Unless OP's friend had a family obligation like his nephew's bar mitzvah or his parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary to attend, he is an absolute jackass for not going to OP's wedding.

Um, or maybe they're not even really all that close and the friend senses the OP is just using him as "filler" to pad the guest list. Only the tragically desperate, totally clueless or hopelessly spineless go to events where they know that they are on the C-list, or worse.

by Anonymousreply 4105/11/2011

R40 and R41, Exhibits A and B respectively.

by Anonymousreply 4205/12/2011


OK, my husbands cousin lives in Hong Kong and she's getting married in Oct and invitations were sent out earlier this year. Last week we found this out for the first time through his Aunt{mother of the bride}who's visiting from HK. She asked my husband if we were going and because we didn't know about the wedding and didn't receive an invitation he said no because we weren't invited. His aunt embarrassed at that sent a text to her daughter and asked why no invitation was sent. She replied "because I knew he wouldn't come. I sent out invitations to people I knew were coming to the wedding." The aunt then tells the bride to send us an invitation. So when my husband {and sister in law because she was there} told me this I was more annoyed with the aunt guilting the daughter into inviting us when she clearly didn't invite us. I have no problem not getting an invitation.

This scenario just happened last year with another cousin in his family. When the mother of the groom found this out she created a banquet for family members not invited two months after that wedding. It turned out we were two out six family members there. The rest of the thirty people were friends or parent friends.

After all this my husband said he still wants to go { he's a push over especially with family.} I told him I wasn't going based on three reasons, we weren't really invited, cost, and I don't want to be on the "jv team anymore " as we were at last years wedding banquet.

Am I being an asshole? Need real advise please. Thanks.

by Anonymousreply 4306/20/2013

I hate weddings and rarely attend them. I make an excuse and send a check back with my RSVP as a wedding gift.

I've never gotten a thank you note for the check.

I didn't really expect one, but just wanted to see if even one person had the thought of saying thank you.

by Anonymousreply 4406/20/2013

R43 are you a straight married couple, a gay married couple or a gay partnered but not married couple.

Yes, it matters. Since straight people have dufferent exoectations of each couple listed.

by Anonymousreply 4506/20/2013

I would not go, R33, unless you really want to see Hong Kong.

by Anonymousreply 4606/20/2013

I completely agree with you r43. I wouldn't go either.

by Anonymousreply 4706/20/2013

"More generally, do we think gay weddings are taken less seriously than straight ones? "

It's true in that same-sex weddings don't carry the overwhelming burden of social obligation that breeder weddings do. Like, your mother may not be furious with you if you fail to attend a cousin's same-sex wedding, and bring a nice gift.

As for R43, only go if you want to see Hong Kong. The bride was probably trying to do you a kindness by not inviting you; in some families the sense of obligation is so strong that people feel they have to make expensive trips they can't afford, to be at events they don't want to attend, because "it's family". She tried to spare you but you messed that up. The only way you can get out of it now is to "force" your husband to refuse, he can't say "no" on his own account without offending all the relatives.

by Anonymousreply 4806/20/2013

can someone tell me a good wedding gift that I can send in the mail for around $40? I don't want to send money which is tacky

by Anonymousreply 4906/20/2013


Unfortunately, we cannot yet get married in Hawaii. The excuse this year was that they were waiting for the Supremes' decision, even though the Legislative Session ended in May.

We're working on it in the courts and legislature.

by Anonymousreply 5006/20/2013

I think the whole process of expecting and buying wedding gifts is a big racket and exhortion.

Couples do not need gifts nor all the stuff given. And let them use their own money rather than give money as a gift.

by Anonymousreply 5106/20/2013

R35, where did gay people have the right to marry 30 years ago?

by Anonymousreply 5206/20/2013

OP, it is perfectly possible your friend already has the date booked. Her grandmother's 80th, her nieces christening, her parents wedding anniversary. All of these in our family would be planned months in advance, so those of living in separate states have time to organise flights or perhaps save for them. I would expect all of these important family events to take precedence over the wedding of a friend, especially if my family had invited me first.

No, gay weddings aren't more trivial than straight weddings, a wedding is a wedding regardless of the couple getting married and pretty important in terms of priority. They're usually fun too, despite what some DLers think. And, frankly, I'd rather go to your wedding with it's free booze and food, but my grandmother/brother/mother asked first. Nothing personal.

Btw, my straight sisters wedding planner told her 10% of the guests will decline a wedding invitation for various reasons. She was right.

by Anonymousreply 5306/20/2013

r45, we are a gay male couple. We are one of the 18,000 married in Ca,

by Anonymousreply 5406/20/2013

r48, the bride has invited 95% of the family including my husbands sister, mother , and father. So in your logic she's actually being a bitch to them by sending them invitations?

by Anonymousreply 5506/20/2013

OP my partner and I have been together for 25 years and IF we ever get married it will be paperwork for tax and inheritance purposes. I would not waste my friends time.

We have a lot of straight friends who have been in a similar situation, where we found out much later that they finally tied the knot.

Weddings are droll.

by Anonymousreply 5606/20/2013

r56 = r43

by Anonymousreply 5706/20/2013

One of the sensible things straight couples have figured out is the bi-coastal wedding. Wedding and reception on one coast, simple reception on the other.

OP, elope and host a reception.

Face it, teh gays are all about teh party especially when they are the inviteds.

by Anonymousreply 5806/20/2013

Genuine question from a mentally ill shut in:

If the friend got an invitation, wouldn't s/he be close enough to the OP that an "invite hierarchy" would be in effect, as r39 implies?

I thought wedding receptions (particularly in this economy) didn't include casual acquaintances and cube neighbours from work.

by Anonymousreply 5906/20/2013

The bride and groom didn't invite you.

The mother of the bride mentioned the wedding, was embarrassed, and then forced her daughter to extend an invite to you.

Why did the mother do this? To alleviate her embarrassment? To show that she "includes the gays"? To showboat?

The answer the bride gave is not to be trusted - she was forced to extend the invite and gave it under duress.

I would NOT go.

This is below JV.

Send a thank you and a gift without any explanation.

by Anonymousreply 6006/20/2013

I agree with R56. Don't waste the time of your friends and relatives.

Weddings are way overrated.

by Anonymousreply 6106/20/2013

Gay marriage is tearing us apart! But on the bright side, it's a whole new battlefield for the etiquette wars. 600 posts by Sunday night.

by Anonymousreply 6206/20/2013

r62, you do realize that this thread was originally started in May 2011, don't you? It's getting nowhere near 600 posts.

by Anonymousreply 6306/20/2013

R43, a few things:

1) Wedding invites should go out six weeks in advance. Save-the-date cards go out six months to a year ahead of time. You should have received the former.

2) Since the wedding's in HK, can I assume the bride or groom is Chinese? If so, I'd fully expect this to have been an intentional slight. I was invited to a HK wedding between a college friend (Caucasian New Yorker who'd expatriated) and a native HK bride. I was invited, but I found out later that the groom had to "fight" to invite his multiple gay friends from the States, and that this caused a major issue with her (traditional) family. I decided not to go -- for cost reasons, not for feeling excluded by the bride -- but my gay friends who did go reported feeling decidedly unwelcome at the festivities, particularly the ones attending with a same-sex partner/spouse.

So no, R43, you're not being an asshole.

by Anonymousreply 6406/20/2013

R17 has it correct. Pay attention to that one.

by Anonymousreply 6506/21/2013

Weddings are a colossal BORE to attend.

Don't make your friends and relatives attend and sit through such travesty and BORING proceedings.

Completely unnecessary to have a duplicate of hetero weddings.

Just go to City Hall.

by Anonymousreply 6606/21/2013

Thanks r64. Yes, everyone is Chinese including my husband.

by Anonymousreply 6706/21/2013

r43 - I am sorry that you are dealing with homophobic discrimination from your own family.

by Anonymousreply 6806/21/2013

Yes, let's hear it for R66. That's the intelligent way to do it.

by Anonymousreply 6906/21/2013

Have a private wedding. When you get back from your honeymoon, have a celebration party and invite friends and family. Do not call it a reception and make it clear you don't expect gifts.

by Anonymousreply 7006/21/2013

r43 here!

Here's the latest I was told tonight about the HK wedding. The brides spoke with my sister in law and told her she sent a mass private message on FB to all the people she wanted to invite. My husband hasn't been on FB in almost two years so he never saw it. The bride told my sister in law she never received a reply from my husband so she thought he didn't want to go.

My response to my sister in law was "well why didn't she call us or send him an email?" Sister in law said, "she doesn't have that info." I said, "She/the bride talks to you often and you're his sister."

I'm calling bullshit on the bride. Plus, she's 33 years old! What 30something uses FB to invite people?

by Anonymousreply 7106/22/2013


Why don't you just stop being that invested in it? You're being a huge Drama Queen about it and you're not even the Bride.

If you think this person is "bullshitting" you, isn't there one way to find out? Have your husband check his fucking Facebook. The notification will still be there.

by Anonymousreply 7206/23/2013

If you didn't know when the cousin's wedding was and haven't talked to her in months, you're obviously not that close. Assuming the mass Facebook message is true (and it's easy to check on, so it probably is), I don't think the cousin is obligated to keep chasing all of the relatives to get an answer. That's thinking like a princess.

Check Facebook, and if the message was sent, drop it. And if it wasn't sent, you obviously are not wanted at the wedding and shouldn't go.

By the way, many Chinese people are very conservative, but it's unfair to say Chinese = homophobic. That would be like saying Southerner = homophobic. True some of the time, but not all of the time.

by Anonymousreply 7306/23/2013

Have you thought about the possibility that you might be on the JV team because your husband isn't very close to those cousins rather than because of his sexuality? I have a lot of cousins, some of which I am closer to than others. For many of them, I would be on the second tier invite list. But the same would be true in reverse if I were the one getting married.

by Anonymousreply 7406/23/2013

People like R71 / R43 make me nuts.

Invitations to events are not measures of anything, least of all your value of a personal or ranking within a structure.

Hard and fast etiquette rules went overboard twenty years ago. These days, most people can't even fucking spell properly.

You can hardly hold it against them for being stupid about form, so it's safe to operate under the belief that most invitation faux pas are not direct plots against you personally. That's if you can bear to part with the notion.

So shut the fuck up, the lot of you, and go or don't go. Jesus, you'd think any of this was important.

(PS: I love weddings!)

by Anonymousreply 7506/23/2013

R71, you are making far too much of it. First of all, if you aren't invited to boring family events that cost a fortune to attend, you should thank your lucky stars rather than throwing a hissy fit.

And secondly, if your goal is to make the in-laws like you, the hissy fits aren't going to get you vey far.

by Anonymousreply 7606/23/2013

R43 obviously has self-esteem issues and can't stand being on the "JV Team." Your high school mentality is exactly why they don't want you around.

Just the fact that you wrote:


As if this were some dire emergency, shows just how pathetic and need of attention you are.

Get the hint, no one wants you around.

by Anonymousreply 7706/23/2013

Proper etiquette dictates gift should be sent to the future wife or husband's home as soon as you learn of the wedding. Anything else you have heard about giving wedding gifts is incorrect.

by Anonymousreply 7806/23/2013


by Anonymousreply 7906/23/2013


by Anonymousreply 8006/23/2013

r77, maybe you should take your own advise @ r72, dear. Sheeeeeesh!

Oh, and stop wiping back to front. Your cunt smells, hon.

by Anonymousreply 8106/23/2013

" We lap up Jan Brewer's queef splatter!"

by Anonymousreply 8206/23/2013


by Anonymousreply 8306/23/2013


Yawn. Are you 12?

And don't offer advice if you can't spell it.

by Anonymousreply 8406/23/2013

[quote]Oh, and stop wiping back to front. Your cunt smells, hon.

People who say things like this actually think they're being clever, right?

Speaking of cunts, go home, hon. No one's asked you to play.

by Anonymousreply 8506/23/2013


by Anonymousreply 8606/23/2013


by Anonymousreply 8706/23/2013

OP here, surprised this thread is. The wedding was lovely and friendly and happy; the friend with the party came and was very helpful; the honeymoon in Venice (a wedding present!) was great. Still married and still on Datalounge two years later. I love you bitches.

by Anonymousreply 8806/23/2013

" For the love of God! Would someone please shit in my mouth! "

by Anonymousreply 8906/23/2013

r49, check out Crate and Barrel. Friends signd-up for their Gift Registry. A pizza pan and slicer were on the list. I got it for less than $30 and they loved it.

by Anonymousreply 9006/28/2013


by Anonymousreply 9107/02/2013
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