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Dating the Recovered

I met a guy who is a few years into recovery after totally spinning out of control (mostly alcohol, but some drugs). He goes to meetings regularly, has a support network, etc. I wouldn't say there are no other cautionary flags, but none of us are perfect, and he's bright, handsome, witty, and a pretty good guy. I haven't had anything to drink around him, but I really don't mind that. I like to drink, but I would probably moderate it.

I don't know much about alcoholism beyond the pamphlet level, and I intend to take this slow for my own reasons. Has anyone ever successfully managed a dependency discordant relationship? How do you do it?

by Anonymousreply 3005/26/2013

RUN quickly.

by Anonymousreply 104/20/2011

It depends on how adjusted/ militant he is about it. I had a bad experience but I have friends that have managed fine.%0D %0D I dated a guy who siad it was fine if I drank. I like a glass of wine with dinner, no more then that. He said that didn't bother him but then blew up screaming at me after two months and listed every single drink of alcohol I had since we met and said I was inconsiderate. It was creepy. Clearly he had a LOT of work still to do on his program.%0D %0D I have a couple friend who one partner has been sober 5 years and the other likes to tie one on occasionally and they have worked it out fine.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 204/20/2011

HOW are you taking it slow, OP?%0D %0D Curious. %0D %0D I have a BF I'm trying to 'take it slow' with but still see nearly every day. I know it's not right.

by Anonymousreply 304/20/2011

[quote]Dating the Recovered%0D %0D You say that like it's a permanent state. He's in recovery. Not recovered.%0D %0D I decided to date that was "recovered". No drugs or alcohol for 3 years before we started dating. 3 years into the relationship (6 years of being "recovered") she fell off the wagon. I wasted another 3 years believing the lies that things would get better and that I had to be supportive for the recovery to work.

by Anonymousreply 404/20/2011

Let me say this, as someone who has been clean/sober for 30 years: everyone in a 12-step program is crazy, and every time I dated someone "in recovery," it was a tremendous clusterfuck. %0D %0D %0D That said, I have had some great relationships with "normal" drinkers, defined as one beer with a sandwich, or two at a club. Never bothered me a bit.%0D %0D %0D But I stopped going to meetings 10 years ago. IMHO, it's a cult.

by Anonymousreply 504/20/2011


by Anonymousreply 604/25/2011

Why don't you bring over a couple of bottles of wine and a joint or two, and talk it over with him?

by Anonymousreply 704/25/2011

People in recovery still overdo things that give pleasure like working, shopping, internet snarking, exercising, and fucking.

If you ever get beyond 'taking it slow' you should expect to have your body used and/or abused on a consistent basis.

On the plus side, his meetings give you a chance to get together with your own friends. As long as he doesn't rehash his group's latest soap opera, you should be ok.

Practice the phrase, "When I want to be annoyed by your friends, I'll attend a meeting."

by Anonymousreply 804/25/2011

If he is in recovery, he should not be spinning out of control. In fact, if drinking he is what we would call an active alcholic and not in recovery.%0D %0D R8 does not know what he/she is talking about. Everyone on this thread is surrounded by recovering alcoholics and addicts- they just don't know it.

by Anonymousreply 904/25/2011

I know 2 people in alcohol recovery who have managed to stay sober, not relapse, and are not bothered by being around others who drink moderately.%0D %0D I know about 10 times that many who may be sober AT THE MOMENT, but who are only one drink away from full-on recidivism. %0D %0D Spin the roulette wheel, OP.

by Anonymousreply 1004/25/2011

AFTER spinning out of control... %0D %0D sorry- if you like this fellow OP, and you want to have a relationship with him, you may consider a few alanon meetings or going to a few AA meetings with him. Then you will learn a bit about alcoholism. %0D %0D Successfully recovering alcoholics can be really wonderful people. Essentially they change their lives for the better, and more than just drinking or drugging if they keep at it. Very few people achieve change for the better without help, and most people do not seek help. They just muddle along.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 1104/25/2011

R9/R11, you have the self-righteousnous of a two year program person and your pink cloud makes me vomit.

'Anonymous' means that I leave your gossipworthy shit in the meeting - which some AAs cannot manage to do. It does not mean that I closet my alcoholism as a secret badge of shame and t does not mean I evangelize about the program to folks who are trying to catch a buzz.

The vast majority of people are wonderful whether they are 'successfully recovering' or not. It's just that the 'or nots' are toxic to alcoholics in recovery.

Stomp those tiny feet all you want; we alcoholics are a neurotic pain in the ass as far as relationships go and it's dishonest of you to present as an AMWAY pitch. Oh, and Jesus hates you.

by Anonymousreply 1204/25/2011

there are crazy people in AA and there are crazy people who are not in AA.

AA has nothing to do with them being crazy.

by Anonymousreply 1304/25/2011

I am in recovery, but I find fellowhip in LifeRing a secular recovery group & not AA. There is a saying in recovery that active addicts don't have relationships - they take hostages.%0D %0D That was very, very true for me when I was drinking. I hated myself and was filled with pain and rage. Therapy, LifeRing and yoga have worked wonders for me. Recovery is brilliant.%0D %0D And yeah crazy people are everywhere. The key is to find the sort of crazy you can live with (and for).

by Anonymousreply 1404/25/2011

Why don't you put away your fucking lists and start treating everyone with respect, little dumpling. The actual proportion of bad people in the gay world is only 25%, the ones who voted republican. And even they can usually coexist well enough from day to day.

by Anonymousreply 1504/25/2011

Partner who has been sober for 2 years-got pissed that I spent too much time at the Buddhist temple this week- we had visiting Tibetan monks- and decided to drink and gamble tonite.

He really never used AA and honestly seems to be white knuckling his recovery.

by Anonymousreply 1605/25/2013





by Anonymousreply 1705/25/2013

R17- that's what I am thinking

by Anonymousreply 1805/25/2013

yeah, just run

by Anonymousreply 1905/25/2013

Do you live on a deserted island or in a postapocalyptic wormhole wherein you are the only two gay men in existence?

If not, date just about anybody else.

by Anonymousreply 2005/25/2013

If the OP from two years ago is still around, I'd love to know what happened!

by Anonymousreply 2105/25/2013

r5 is correct.

AA is a cult, but a benevolent one. It really depends where your dating partner is in his recovery. People who are still attending AA meetings after 10 years are to be suspected of something else.

There is a lot of nonsense said out here. Many people are work or porn addicts, relationship averse or not remotely in touch with themselves. There is no such thing as avoiding death by avoiding life. Getting high is part of youth for man. For some it takes longer. The gay "culture" does nothing but promote partying. Of course the inability to control that is a deeper issue.

I had a big coke problem that was not cured by rehab or AA, but is over now for many years. The dirty truth about these things, is that the majority of people just eventually stop on their own, or in jail or death. Mostly on their own, with some hard times and some help along the way. AA is pretty hard to embrace for non sheep.

AA states it is either the gutter or the grave. It is psychologically behind the curve, and most people do not get or stay sober from twelve step progams. Cult or religion, call it what you like. The fellowship part helps many, but it is a pretty incestuous and competitive form of attention. Yes there is support. It is extremely intrusive.

A good therapist and some AA meetings, plus being honest with other people is as good as anything. The question to drink or not around someone is kind of old school, like a spouse hiding the bottles. I think you should ask this guy what he thinks. Regardless you are not responsible for any lapses, nor should you run away if all else looks good between you. Ask him what he does when in full on addict mode. He can certainly be as truthful with you as his AA friends, though it is part of the anonymous cult to think otherwise.

There are a lot of old guys out here who put up with less than perfect partners and their bias shows. I will never do cocaine again but drink when I want, some times too much. Their is no place for that in AA speak, except for denial. My bf and I smoke weed, drink wine, have got drunk with friends and so what if we have an argument. It can happen. I don't go near coke, he does not do Ecstacy anymore and we both are friends of people who do this and more. My nephew is on heroine. I really do try to help, in straight talk and understanding. But I don't preach AA.

I kind of think that drugs have got a bad name for themselves. I won't recommend them, but to condemn or label them as a personal weakness over which one is powerless is for the weak minded. There is a time and a season. Most outgrow the addiction, and the rigid thinking about it.

If you don't want any part of it, then let him know.

There is entirely too much group speak in the world, in my opinion. Ask HIM, observe, and find out what he expects from you. Decide, or wait and see. Life is sweet and we can always change. If not, then no group or lover can help.

by Anonymousreply 2205/25/2013

I am a recovered alcoholic. I hate the term recovery for long term sobriety. If you quit smoking ten years ago are you a "recovering smokeaholic". Epic bullshit. You can thank AA for that and also for teaching addicts that relapse is part of recovery. It shouldn't be. Hopefully, we are moving towards evidence based recovery programs. AA does massive damage to people. Look into LifeRing or Smart Recovery.

If you are uncomfortable dating someone with a past addiction...then don't do it. That simple really.

by Anonymousreply 2305/25/2013

The thing I noticed about Recovered (fill in the blank) is that many of they just switch the addiction to something else.

Chain smoking like there is no tomorrow, or cant pass a Starbucks without getting a 4th cup of coffee before noon, or food, food, food.

They may recognize the behavior, but they still do nothing about it as if its their reward for beating the other addiction.

Unless they truly address the addictive behavior, they will be just as compulsive with something else and just as easy to switch back.

Thats the question you really need to ask him. How did he change his addictive personality, not how did he stop drinking. If he cant answer right away, or answers in a way that just focuses on how he avoids drinking, you got a problem.

by Anonymousreply 2405/26/2013

OP: How many years exactly has he been sober? I've been sober 29 years and found I didn't really feel comfortable and secure in my sobriety until the 5 year mark -- and I know many others who felt the same way.

I still go to meetings on occasion and, yes, there are annoying aspects of group-think to AA (I'm not a believer in a deity), but it is not a cult -- you can come and go as you please and hold your own set of beliefs and still belong and get sober. Half the fun is mocking the AA robots with others who did not lose their sense of humor when they stopped drinking.

by Anonymousreply 2505/26/2013

"Getting high is part of youth for man."

Speak for yourself, dear.

by Anonymousreply 2605/26/2013

R25, my partner white knuckled his way to sobriety, But he just doesn't seem comfortable with himself....sort of crabby,,,,he never wants to do anything and minor disturbances piss him off.

So it takes 5 years to get better? Did AA help? My partner won't try AA though....

by Anonymousreply 2705/26/2013

[quote]My nephew is on heroine.

Wonder Woman?

by Anonymousreply 2805/26/2013

Depends on the person, R27. I've seen people in recovery programs who are long-term miserable and others who do very well.

by Anonymousreply 2905/26/2013

R27: AA helped me enormously. I'm not one of those who think it's the only way, but after many, many attempts to either cut back on my drinking or stop altogether, AA proved to be the most effective and in some ways the easiest. It was sort of a relief to give up trying to stop drinking on my own. What is your partner's objection to trying it?

R29: And I agree with you on that score -- there are people who are just miserable bitches drunk or sober. Fortunately, I ran into enough people early in my sobriety who were interesting and fun and had full live outside of AA.

by Anonymousreply 3005/26/2013
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