When you no longer have anything in common with a friend
I've been friends with this person for 10 years, although we've always disagreed on cultural things. A good friend, cares about me to an extent, but has made a goal of watching all of the 100 AFI best movies ever and it has exposed a rift that was always there. It has made me wonder if we have anything in common.
The reviews from my friend on movies that I consider sacrosanct and a litmus test for cultural intelligence:
Citizen Kane - immediately bored. not open to discussion.
The Godfather - bored. too slow. (mind you this is one of a pair of movies I consider the best ever produced in this country)
Nashville - Awful. Couldn't watch it.
Sunrise - "its best to watch all silent movies in fast forward. you get the idea"
The friend claimed to have watched 70% of the list and could not name one movie that was worth commenting on.
This is a dead end, right? To me its like sharing a favorite book with someone and having them say it was pointless, boring and I don't really care.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||02/14/2013|
Obviously he doesn't consider the same things you do as a litmus test for cultural intelligence. That there even is such a thing defines snobbery more accurately than anything else.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||04/15/2011|
Just because you don't like the same movies doesn't mean you have nothing in common. You're treating movies as representing all values in life. Apparently movies are very important to you, but that's not the case for everyone. There must be many other things you share with you friend in order for you to have been close for so long.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||04/15/2011|
I think before we proceed, it might be a good idea to even consider what the word "friend" means. Especially since you are re-evaluating your relationship with this person. What is your expectation? %0D %0D What has been satisfying about the relationship in the past. What does "Friend" mean to you? %0D %0D Do you have other interests besides films that you consider important, spiritually nourishing, vital, etc.? %0D %0D You may have different taste in films or he may have a lack of interest or enthusiasm for them, but there must be something you share in common that is intellectually stimulating.%0D %0D I mean, my father watched cowboy movies, but he also loved Shakespeare. My sister is addicted to reality shows, but she's an accomplished mclassical musician. Violin.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||04/15/2011|
[quote]movies that I consider sacrosanct and a litmus test for cultural intelligence%0D %0D Exhibit A in the case that OP doesn't deserve friends.
|by Anonymous||reply 4||04/15/2011|
Have you been friends since you were nine or ten years old? You sound like a teenager who hasn't yet realized that whether you like the same music, films, or books doesn't matter one bit.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||04/15/2011|
I agree with him on Nashville. What a terrible piece of shit.
The Player is the only tolerable Altman film.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||04/15/2011|
R3, here, OP. I have another question for you. How open are you to really listening to different points of view. How open are you to new ideas and experiences?%0D %0D Is your friend being resistant or contrarian because you have unintentionally or deliberately imposed upon him?%0D %0D Have you attempted to "lead " him with a certain condescension? He may find you exhausting and pretentious. Have you ever once tried to look at things thru his eyes?%0D %0D I'm not saying you're wrong. But if you are considering ending a friendship based on the scant evidence you've presented, maybe you haven't really been friends at all. Maybe your realtionship is superficial.More like a long time acquaintance.%0D %0D Or, maybe, if you have been friends, you have a larger problem in the way you accept one another's differences. Real friends don't judge. Real friends are open and interested.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||04/15/2011|
A lot of the movies on that list are boring. Sure they are fine example of movie making. But still boring.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||04/15/2011|
If the only people who can be your friends must share your idiosyncratic tastes, well....I think R5 said it best, "get another cat."
|by Anonymous||reply 10||04/15/2011|
I find it rather amusing that you depend upon the judgement of others to define "top" rather than yourself and what you enjoy.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||04/15/2011|
...you find a new one... in your case who like the same flavor of hard candy...
|by Anonymous||reply 13||04/15/2011|
What movies does your friend like?
|by Anonymous||reply 14||04/15/2011|
My situation is the same, but opposite - one of my oldest friends and I share lots in common when it comes to culture and the arts, but as far as common values, we differ completely. When I found out I was type 1 diabetic, he skoffed at me and said, "you have to test your blood sugar AGAIN?!". I wanted to reply, "you still have to take that HIV medication?"
We no longer talk.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||04/15/2011|
I found Citizen Cane boring and over rated too. It's just a movie, no need to lose a friend over it. Lucky for you he doesn't feel the same way you do. I'd say you should consider yourself lucky OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 16||04/15/2011|
"I found Citizen Cane boring and over rated too."%0D %0D What is Citizen Cane? Is that the lesbian version of Citizen Kane, the Orson Welles fillm classic still being discussed 70 years after its release?
|by Anonymous||reply 17||04/15/2011|
"he skoffed at me and said, "you have to test your blood sugar AGAIN?!".%0D %0D If you ended a friendship over this comment, then you don't deserve to be his friend.%0D %0D All you needed to do was to educate him on type 1 diabetes and what you have to do to take care of yourself, and why he might do for you if you take insulin without eating enough. Then he COULD be your friend when you really need it and then you COULD be called a good friend by letting him into a world new to him.%0D %0D Sheesh.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||04/15/2011|
I'm trying to picture a straight guy with the OP's complaint.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||04/15/2011|
I don't care for 'The Godfather' either.%0D %0D It insists upon itself.%0D %0D
|by Anonymous||reply 21||04/15/2011|
She loves Twilight and other movies of that type. She's in her early 30s.
When the poor workers who work at her office building were on strike, she got pissed that they were blocking traffic and making it difficult to get into the parking garage.
When I said that workers have to have the ability to strike she was almost personally offended.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||04/16/2011|
Actually, R1, your response defines snobbery more accurately than anything else. But what makes snobs redeemable is their ability to recognize themselves for what they are.
Here's your chance.
Have you passed, baby?
|by Anonymous||reply 23||04/16/2011|
The fact that you made him watch the AFI's top 100 movies shows that your taste isn't very individual and is probably not much better than his.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||04/16/2011|
Oops, sorry OP. I thought he was going through the list upon your suggestion. I take back what I said.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||04/16/2011|
Friendships, or any relationship with others, does not have to last forever. These things naturally progress and many times have a natural ending. If you no longer feel like you have anything in common with your friend then you shouldn't feel obligated to be connected to him out of guilt. The thing that sparks any friendship in the beginning is some common thread that binds you.
|by Anonymous||reply 26||04/16/2011|
I was a military brat, and when your dad gets transferred, you go and leave everything behind. Especially friends. Sometimes you write for awhile, but lasting friendships almost never happen. My best friend from 2 years in high school together ended up living in the same city, and I went over to see him. It had been about 8 years at that point. Gosh, there was simply nothing there. Too many new people, and the old stories were just awkward. %0D %0D Forty years went by. He died. I saw it in the paper. None of our many mutual friends know. I will eventually post it on the all-years school website, and there will be messages written by some people I have sort of electronically reconnected with over the years but really don't need to see or talk to. Just kind of sad, that's all. %0D %0D Oh, jeez I almost forgot to mention.. he never married either.
|by Anonymous||reply 27||07/21/2011|
I have a friend of 32 years. I haven't spoken to him in over a year. We have a mutual friend he still speaks to so I do get the occasional update.
The thing is, I just don't want to reach out to him anymore. He doesn't care about anything that isn't happening to him, and he is bitter. He is also the meanest drunk I ever knew, which is why we no longer speak. If you call someone up and you read them to filth, just because you don't remember the next day doesn't make it alright.
|by Anonymous||reply 29||07/21/2011|
I evaluate friends based on their honesty, their loyalty, their humor, their compassion, and whether I enjoy hanging out with them, but I don't expect them to share every taste or outlook.
The earlier poster was right: get another cat. You need companions who can never disagree with you.
|by Anonymous||reply 30||07/22/2011|
The striking workers thing was the only red flag for me OP. %0D %0D
|by Anonymous||reply 31||07/22/2011|
Being friends with drunks is soooooo last century.
|by Anonymous||reply 32||07/22/2011|
I feel you on this, if he's a real friend, even if movies aren't his "thing" you BOTH should indulge each other in the activities you like, so say you're notreally into tennis, but you know what? you COMPROMISE....you play tennis with him if he watches movies with you...it's give and take...so many folks don't understand that in a small yet platonic way, friendshps are a lot like marriages or relationships.....they can die too if there's not proper communication, shared interests or compromise.....I am feeling this way with a ton of my friends, we've gone on seperate paths, I've been noticing that as a whole i've been hanging otu with a LOT of selfish people who only want friendship when it's convenient for them....and usually I do all the heavy lifting inthe friendship and i'm over and tired of it...ever since being married and being diagnosed with an illness, i've pretty much lost all my friends, even though when they've had sickness, financial problems or breakups, who was the first person there for them inevery way? ME ME ME.....who even took them in to their home and let them live there? ME, who helped them financially when they had nothing? ME....but nothing in return....a friend in need is a friend indeed....i totally feel you there..ti's about being fair and give and take...
|by Anonymous||reply 33||02/14/2013|