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I''m gay and lonely. Should I marry a woman?

All of the men I meet are incredibly shallow. They don't care about anything but sex, and I want more...much more. %0D %0D So, I met this woman on the Internet who I hit it off with right away. Only she doesn't know I'm gay, but I really like her. We share the same interests, and I know she likes me a lot. %0D %0D Of course, I'm not in love with her, and I have no desire to be with her in a physical way, although, I know I could love her, like a sister. Anyway, those are the things that are holding me up. %0D %0D But, here's the thing. She's much older than me, so, do you think she will expect sex at her age? At most, I think I could kiss her on the cheek, but that's about it.%0D %0D I just know I'll never meet a man who wants a relationship.

by Anonymousreply 11311/09/2012

No, OP.%0D %0D %0D Don't decieive someone just because you are a sadcase.

by Anonymousreply 104/01/2011

Deceive.%0D %0D At no stage do you mention fooling this lady, only yourself and your motives (aka what's in it for you). %0D %0D You sound like a child and basically have the stunted mental development to match.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 204/01/2011

And you don't sound as if the gay men you know are a wide enough circle.%0D %0D There are certainly men out there looking for lasting relationships.

by Anonymousreply 304/01/2011

Yes, that's an excellent idea.

by Anonymousreply 404/01/2011

It's always a good plan to marry someone you're not attracted to so that you're no longer lonely. I'm sure this woman will really appreciate being used in such a way and essentially wasting her time when she could meet someone who isn't selfish and who loves her.

by Anonymousreply 504/01/2011

8/10. A fair effort.

by Anonymousreply 604/01/2011

Although it is charming that you describe the gay men you meet as shallow when you're planning to do such a horrible thing.

by Anonymousreply 704/01/2011

Get a dog.

by Anonymousreply 804/01/2011

You want to marry your sister?

by Anonymousreply 904/01/2011

scientology'll make friends

by Anonymousreply 1104/01/2011

OP = Mark Harris

by Anonymousreply 1204/01/2011

Extra Sadness Tonight.

by Anonymousreply 1304/01/2011

I will tell her. I don't think she will mind. She's twice divorced, and I get the feeling she is tired of straight men. She didn't say that, but it sounds like she is.%0D %0D I'm only a few years older than her oldest son. I just don't think sex would be an issue.

by Anonymousreply 1404/01/2011

OP on his honeymoon.

by Anonymousreply 1504/01/2011

Yes of course older women don't like sex. Does that make you feel better to think that? I'm sure she'll have no problem making some gay dude not feel lonely for the rest of her life.

by Anonymousreply 1704/01/2011

[quote] There are certainly men out there looking for lasting relationships.

True. They typically look like that overweight guy on Modern Family. But that's a minor thing if what you desire is companionship.

by Anonymousreply 1804/01/2011

I don't think you'll have to tell her you're gay, OP. I have a feeling your flame can be seen from Saturn.

by Anonymousreply 1904/01/2011

Some gay men manage to have a long gay relationships.Being gay doesn't mean you are a whore.

by Anonymousreply 2004/01/2011

I really hope that OP is sincere becuse only stupidity can then explain his thinking process and people can't help it if they were born stupid. They need our pity and compassion, and of course, since this is DL, our mockery.

If this is an EST 9/10 coz we can make this thread a winner!

by Anonymousreply 2104/01/2011

OP, you don't have to have a hard-on to eat her pussy. And hey -- that'd be enough for me!

by Anonymousreply 2204/01/2011


by Anonymousreply 2304/01/2011

If this is not a troll post...%0D %0D Of course there are thousands of wonderful men to have a relationship with. Men and gay men almost all crave it- that does not mean they are not horny bastards, and so what? Makes for a lot of material to find your partner.%0D %0D Pairing off with an older woman you are not in love with who does not know you are gay is irresponsible, selfish and probably indicative of some serious issues.%0D %0D Get a grip OP, if you are for real- and get some good help to straighten out your life.%0D %0D Good luck.

by Anonymousreply 2404/01/2011

Who let Exodus in?

by Anonymousreply 2504/01/2011

Obstacles were made to be overcome, OP.

by Anonymousreply 2704/01/2011

Fish is just as offensive as calling someone a fag. Seriously grow up.

by Anonymousreply 2804/01/2011

I think you should stay home, fritter away your remaining years on the Internet until your eyesight deteriorates, then slowly die.

by Anonymousreply 2904/01/2011

Am I the only one who sides with the OP?

I think it's a workable idea as long as you tell the woman that you're gay and that you're not looking for a sexual relationship, but that you want companionship in marriage ie Be upfront that that is what you're offering. She may (or may not) want the exact same thing: you just have to be honest about what it is you're offering.

If you don't have a gay partner (or gay friends you value) and don't have much hope of finding such, there's not a lot of point for an older single gay male to live through the often punishing stigmatizing and isolating process of identifying as a member of a disfavored minority every single day. (Do not, however, get married and then start stigmatizing other out gay men. That's the evil here to be avoided imho).

I don't see why such a relationship couldn't work. You're both lonely, and if you enjoy each other's company... well, many, many long-term marriages have been built on much, much less than that. There are enormous cultural and social advantages to being heterosexual and married: That's a fact. White straight married people have everything handed to them on a silver platter in our society, so why not absorb some of those advantages with someone you like, if you can't find a gay partner.

It's not an easy path--and you suck if you do it and start stigmatizing out gay men and/or don't tell the woman that you're primarily attracted to men--but I think it'd be workable.

by Anonymousreply 3004/01/2011

I don't think there is anything wrong with two people living together as companions without sex BUT YOU MUST BE HONEST WITH HER.%0D %0D It will only work if you both agree on the parameters of the relationship. If you lie, I promise you you will not be any less lonely and probably more lonely.

by Anonymousreply 3104/01/2011

blah blah blah

The reason nobody wants to have a relationship is you!! You sound needy and very manipulative - and frankly predatory.

by Anonymousreply 3204/01/2011

I'm sorry but this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of.

by Anonymousreply 3304/01/2011

OP, I bet you're alone because you want a boyfriend who is much hotter than you are, and you can't accept that. There are tons of wonderful, average-looking guys out there, who would make perfect partners but, of course, you aren't interested in any of them. You need to be more realistic about your own level of attractiveness and what you're able to attract.

by Anonymousreply 3404/01/2011

Why am I not surprised that some people here are telling OP it's o.k. to go back in the closet?

by Anonymousreply 3504/01/2011

r34 NAILED it. OP looks like Nathan Lane, but will settle for nothing less than Cheyenne Jackson.

by Anonymousreply 3604/01/2011

I see nothing wrong with the OP's plan as long as he tells her that he is gay and is looking only for friendship and companionship. Hell after a few years most marriages don't have sex either, and most of them don't have any friendship or companionship.

by Anonymousreply 3704/01/2011

I love you R12.

by Anonymousreply 3804/01/2011

"She's much older than me, so, do you think she will expect sex at her age?"%0D %0D LOL. There are many types of sex besides intercourse, dummy. There's lots of stuff a 90 year old would love. If she's older than that, I don't know.

by Anonymousreply 3904/01/2011

She's much older than him? Yeah, no one is going to suspect he's gay.

by Anonymousreply 4004/01/2011

What if you move in with her and settle down. Then you meet the man of your dreams (which probably means wealthy, fit and hung)?

by Anonymousreply 4104/01/2011

depends on her bank account.

by Anonymousreply 4204/01/2011

Many gay men do this op. My last bf married the woman he left me for.

by Anonymousreply 4304/01/2011

Despite stereotypes, OP, women do have sex drives, including "older" ones. Be honest with her. It's never ok to deceive anyone anyway, and if you're correct that she is tired of straight men, the idea of a platonic relationship may appeal to her.

by Anonymousreply 4404/01/2011

I'm available!

by Anonymousreply 4504/01/2011

I found a high school classmate that was a big old flamer. Imagine my surprise when I saw that he was married to a woman at least 15 years older than him. They happily perform in local english olde fair type musicals in the area. maybe they found some common ground, but not sexual?

by Anonymousreply 4604/01/2011

I'd do it. I hate sex but want the tax break.

by Anonymousreply 4704/01/2011

Hi OP, I've actually thought about this myself. I figured that I would find a lesbian I get along with and have fun with and who is also in the same boat as I am relationship-wise, and then marry her. Ever since I turned 30 last week, I have this feeling I'll end up alone and lonely. Most of my friends who are straight are getting engaged or married.

by Anonymousreply 4904/01/2011

Why not just move in with someone and live together as friends? Why bother with marriage? You can have companionship without marriage.

by Anonymousreply 5004/01/2011

Tax benefits, R50 -- & more health insurance options.

by Anonymousreply 5104/01/2011

OP nailed the recipe for a happy life. he should be on OWN.

by Anonymousreply 5204/01/2011


by Anonymousreply 5304/01/2011

Be honest with her and see what she says. Some women want security more than romance and millions supposedly live in a "love the one you're with" type of relationship.

by Anonymousreply 5404/01/2011

Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if insecurity and desperation were a basis for a happy and long-lasting marriage?

by Anonymousreply 5504/01/2011

I'm actively looking for a husband! I'll even let you pick out the wedding gown even though I already have one...just in case I needed one quick!

by Anonymousreply 5604/01/2011

LOL. R55. You have a point, but of all the marriages out there, straight or gay, how many would you say are happy?

by Anonymousreply 5704/01/2011

It will be a fantastic marriage - she the Martha to your George.

by Anonymousreply 5804/01/2011

OP if you just want a companion be honest. I know women who are in their 30s or 40s who would marry a gay man so they could have babies and a companion. Nobody wants to be alone, but nobody wants to be deceived either.

by Anonymousreply 5904/01/2011

I am a bisexual dude who is more physically attracted to males, but more emotionally attracted to women, hot women. I tried the dude thing, but decided it is just not for me. Most of the guys I am attracted to are straight or bisexuals who don't want a relationship with dude. I am not attracted to most gay guys and find it frustrating to find guys who date guys who I am attracted to and share the same spiritual, religious, and moral values. After thinking this over, I decided to just date women. I am now engaged to woman who knows about my past and accepts me for who I am. She shares my values and commitment to lifelong monogamy and fidelity. I am thankful to find someone who is perfect for me although I am far from perfect. This is not for everyone, but it is for me.

by Anonymousreply 6104/01/2011

Interesting R61. I'm a bi female and I've dated more men than women. I love male company and have had amazing sex with guys, but straight men my age (late 30s/early 40s) are ridiculous! Divorced, self-involved, trophy-seeking cads. What's a brainy girl to do but date women?

by Anonymousreply 6204/01/2011

Lesbians and bisexual men have it so much better than us bisexual and gay men. Women are more likely to be oriented toward monogamy, fidelity, and high morals than men. That is why I am dating a woman now. Women are just more evolved than men.

by Anonymousreply 6304/01/2011

A former co-worker and one time boss is now married to his bff, a straight European immigrant woman. He's gay. He'll say bi now. I've never known him to really date women. They own a house together, and had for a good decade before. He's only in his early 40's and somewhat attractive.

The marriage shocked all of his former coworkers. His wife is lovely, but the size of a house. Nobody really understands the situation.

by Anonymousreply 6404/01/2011

OP, is she loaded?

by Anonymousreply 6504/01/2011

[quote]I know women who are in their 30s or 40s who would marry a gay man so they could have babies and a companion.%0D %0D Kinda hard to do without having sex, or are you going the turkey baster route?

by Anonymousreply 6604/01/2011

You do realize that most gay and bisexual men who marry women do have sex with them at some point and have children? See Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Governor McGreevey, et al.

by Anonymousreply 6704/02/2011

People get lonely. As long as you're honest in your relationship, what difference could it possibly make?

by Anonymousreply 6804/02/2011

Bisexual men who marry women have sex with them at some point and have children.

by Anonymousreply 6904/02/2011

I agree. I think people have to respect that different things work for different people and not resent people for trying to live in a way that maximizes their fulfillment and peace, even if it is not in accordance with what's politically correct or in the collective interest.

by Anonymousreply 7004/02/2011

Probably the worst thing I've seen on DL. And that's saying something.

by Anonymousreply 7104/02/2011

"It's an abomination for man to lay with woman"

by Anonymousreply 7204/02/2011

I'm gay and lonely. Should I troll the Datalounge?

by Anonymousreply 7304/02/2011

[quote]I am a bisexual dude who is more physically attracted to males, but more emotionally attracted to women, hot women.

That's deep, dude. Profound. Interesting that you're not emotionally attracted to less-than-hot women, considering your attraction apparently isn't physical.

[quote]I tried the dude thing, but decided it is just not for me. Most of the guys I am attracted to are straight or bisexuals who don't want a relationship with dude.

The reason you are attracted to men just like yourself, and find most gays repulsive, is the oldest one in the book: self-loathing. Your subsequent comment about sharing "spiritual, religious and moral values" indicates that you most likely had a nice, long fundie-Christian brainwashing growing up, one that makes you hate yourself for being attracted to men. In particular you hate men who display any sign of feyness, I can already guess, hence you being into the whole "straight-acting" thing (and believe me, it *is* acting, for many at least).

Anyway, back on topic (even assuming this isn't a troll post): no, OP, you shouldn't marry a woman, nor should you even remotely consider any sort of serious platonic relationship with someone you've never even met in person. An online relationship is not a proximate substitute for a real-life one. You cannot possibly know a person's true personality and quirks through cyberchats and emoticons. As for how to find a man looking for more than sex, start with and and work from there.

by Anonymousreply 7404/02/2011

We've already met in person. %0D %0D We went out to dinner tonight and from the comment she made about the possiblity of her son being gay, I don't think she likes gay men. %0D %0D But, if it turns out her son is gay...the hell with her. I already know I'm in love with him. He is soooo fine. %0D %0D But, if he is not gay, or is gay and has no interest in me, I have made up my mind about her...NFW! She really pissed me off tonight with her homophobic rant.

by Anonymousreply 7504/02/2011

R30=Tom Cruise.

by Anonymousreply 7604/02/2011

You would still be gay and lonely if you did marry a woman + have a lot more complications to deal with. %0D %0D Be gay and lonely on your own - lots of others do and get on ok, without messing up some woman's life.

by Anonymousreply 7704/02/2011

Just get a roommate, OP.%0D %0D That way you won't be deceiving anyone, and you won't be lonely.

by Anonymousreply 7804/02/2011

OP%0D %0D If you marry a woman she will expect sex%0D %0D You are gay%0D %0D You can see where this is going, can't you.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 7904/02/2011

R77 he could easily choose to marry a "fag-hag" so to speak.%0D %0D Or a lesbian in a similar situation. %0D %0D As long as both parties know the deal going in, what's the harm?%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 8004/02/2011

[quote]See Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Governor McGreevey, et al.

Larry Craig has no biological children.

by Anonymousreply 8104/02/2011

You might be perfect for her, but you'll never find out if you don't tell her the truth. Most straight men don't have the faintest idea how to pleasure a woman, so her expectations are probably fairly low in that area already. My older women friends say they're looking for an enjoyable companionship. They've outgrown that "someday your prince will come" stuff.

I don't consider romantic love a valid reason for getting married. I think that's one of the major reason our divorce rate is so high. Loving someone who loves you back is great, but in most relationships being in love is a temporary stage that doesn't last and it's tied to sex. There are far more important factors that go into putting together a solid relationship.

Tell her the truth. She might be looking for companionship just like you are.

by Anonymousreply 8204/02/2011

R82=morbidly obese frau.

by Anonymousreply 8304/02/2011

R83 = meth-addled, popper-infested, go-to boy/junkie twink.

by Anonymousreply 8404/02/2011

OP/R75, you are a predator. You had no interest in this woman from the very beginning. It's her SON that you are interested in and you think you can get to him through her.

OMG! I just hope he's of age.

by Anonymousreply 8504/02/2011

unclench, r85. that's how i met my partner of 15 years. through his mother.

by Anonymousreply 8604/02/2011

You will always be gay so get a dog.

by Anonymousreply 8704/02/2011

Oh, OP/R75, you really overplayed your hand with the being in love with the possibly gay son scenario. And you really had some of the dolts here believing you.

by Anonymousreply 8804/02/2011

Go for it OP.

by Anonymousreply 8904/02/2011

[quote]But, if it turns out her son is gay...the hell with her. I already know I'm in love with him. He is soooo fine.

To summarize the storyline: "I was thinking about marrying an older woman because gay men suck, but then I found out -- during an in-person dinner, our first ever, conveniently timed to coincide with a thread I just started on DataLounge about her -- she hates gays and suspects her son is gay, and since I've seen a photo of the son and think he looks hot, I just know -- just *know* -- I'll fall in love with him based on his looks alone. I see no irony whatsoever in making this statement while simultaneously bitching that I can't find a man because gays are 'incredibly shallow.'"

by Anonymousreply 9004/02/2011

Excellent, R90. I'm 'darring you so I can read your other posts elsewhere, because analytical minds that can get from a to b here are rare. My only disagreement is I'd say .27.

by Anonymousreply 9104/02/2011

If you marry a woman who doesn't like sex. I will say, the more you pester her about it, the less she will want it, then you can turn it all around and make her think it's her fault. Another thing you can do and all cheaters do this...say he/she has gained weight and it turns you off. The partner blames themselves. Thy actually make your cover for you.

by Anonymousreply 9204/02/2011

I'm wondering why 90 doesn't go for the son? Actually perhaps this has happened to the woman before? She fell for a man but the man fell for her son...perhaps that is why she hates gay men?

by Anonymousreply 9304/02/2011

I'm assuming the OP is a troll but the general content of his post is valid. I see absolutely nothing wrong with the scenario he puts forward as long as he is being honest with the woman and there is a mutual agreement on the nature of the relationship. Heck, many (most?) gay men have open relationships where there is emotional fidelity but sexual freedom involved. How is what the OP's proposing any different?

r61, I'm just curious, why do you visit gay message boards? You've found happiness in a monogamous relationship with your female partner so why come to a site about homosexuality? Not an accusation, I just don't get what a site like this would have to offer you.

by Anonymousreply 9404/02/2011

Because, R94, in the world of deluded fundie closet cases such as R61, "monogamous" means he won't cheat on her with a woman. Want to bet R61 has a CL or another gay hookup site profile?

by Anonymousreply 9504/02/2011

Did r61 just have a baby with his beard? Just wondering.

by Anonymousreply 9604/02/2011

R84=registered sex offender and scat queen.

by Anonymousreply 9704/02/2011

Or he's a troll, R94/95

by Anonymousreply 9804/02/2011

"I am not attracted to most gay guys and find it frustrating to find guys who date guys who I am attracted to and share the same spiritual, religious, and moral values."%0D %0D %0D %0D %0D And yet you post at a gay gossip board?

by Anonymousreply 9904/02/2011

"The reason you are attracted to men just like yourself, and find most gays repulsive, is the oldest one in the book: self-loathing."

there is a distinction between loathing and not finding someone attractive. i am not attracted to tall guys, but that does not mean I loathe them. in fact, I don't. attractions are not politically correct or evenly distributed amongst all people groups.

by Anonymousreply 10004/03/2011

Uh...finding gays repulsive is self-loathing when you are gay, yourself.

by Anonymousreply 10104/03/2011

Hi there, Trust me I feel you, because I'm the same very lonely, no friends at all and I even haven't seen my sisters and family for a long time. I'm Middle Eastern guy in his 40th and I always been dreaming to marry a nice sweet with passion white heart who can accept to marry a gay man who can makes her feel safe, happy and financially secured, I even want to take her to the middle east to introduce her to my family, but in a discrete way as a normal husband and wife couple, and at the same way I will try my best to medicate my self to be able to give her all the sexual life as a couple as I always wanted to be a father even if its for one child only. I;m really being very disgusted and a shame for posting this on the net, but I've been treating of a strong depression and sadness because of this issues, as I've been isolated and disappeared from my sisters and family overseas that's because I can't face them with my homosexuality case, so please I really need to find one honest, caring loving, and someone can share the rest of life with me, also I want to say something that I came from rich wealthy family, but after my mom died and things went worse with my dad after he got married a 2nd mother I left my native home back in the middle east to run a way fro him and his family for what they did to my mother. Also I just met few men about 4only but they were just looking for my money or to have sex with me, simply being used and hurt broken, so i gave up meeting any men for 6years now and i don't even have the sexual desire towards any man I meet. All I want to find this special young woman who is able and willing to share my life and makes each others happy, so If anyone is also willing to help me out find this sweet and trustful lady please kindly advise me what should I do and where i can find my sole mate. Thanks all for your time to read my short story and looking forward to find serious help with respect to my feeling.

by Anonymousreply 10208/11/2011

Do you really have money? Move to LA and someone will marry you. Tell her she can fool around with the pool boy and you guys will just be companions and escorts to functions for each other.

by Anonymousreply 10308/11/2011

Tell her the truth... and then make sure she's on an antidepressant. She won't want sex anyway. My sister and her husband have been successful and happily married for 20 years but haven't had sex in at least 10 of them. The meds they take due to their high stress life style take away the urges. But they're great friends and don't miss the sexual aspect. They're affectionate, loyal and happy as clams. Everyone envies their marriage because they actually LIKE each other. Most of their friends are either divorced or miserable.

by Anonymousreply 10408/12/2011

A gay man who is turned off by all the "shallow" gay men and wants "more...much more", so he's contemplating marrying a "much older" woman he met on the internet who he has no "desire" for physically but he could "lover her like a sister." %0D %0D This is a TROLL POST. Jesus, how could anyone fall for this shit? The "gay man who marries an older woman" is an unpleasant stereotype. And whoever heard of a gay man who wants to take up with women because all the gay men are "shallow?" It's a TROLL, dammit!

by Anonymousreply 10508/12/2011

Lets just get vicious everyone. I'm sure that's best for an emotionally vulnerable person.

by Anonymousreply 10711/08/2012

Let me guess. Is she Martha Raye?

by Anonymousreply 10811/08/2012

[quote]I have a same-sex orientation, but because I am a Christian, do not get involved with dudes, eat shellfish, wear mixed fibres, or touch a woman when she is 'unclean'.

by Anonymousreply 10911/08/2012

I could support being in a gay-straight intense, friendship/partnership - living together for support and companionship.

But, trying to fool your way into a "traditional" marriage when you're gay seems like an awful idea.

by Anonymousreply 11011/08/2012

Leave the poor woman along, cut off contact with her and don't waste another second of her time.

If you want to see shallow gay man - look in the mirror.

by Anonymousreply 11111/09/2012

You should not generalize about women or relationships. Plenty of very happy couples of different ages choose celibacy. Others have an arrangement where one or both can go outside the marriage for sexual fulfillment. If you're partnered with a man, and his job requires a long separation, do you both remain faithful? Good, successful relationships require honesty, communication and compromise. The problem is that it's so hard to achieve that ideal.

by Anonymousreply 11211/09/2012

I don't know. My ex's parents were both bi. They met in the 50s and had two kids. Now that Dad's 95 and Mom's gone, he wants to come out of the closet. He's taken to dressing in purple, off the shoulder sweatshirts and short-shorts. (I think he's a bottom.)

So, he basically put his whole life on hold, to be faithful to his commitment, and now wants to come out and find a male companion. Um, easier said than done. But maybe not impossible.

by Anonymousreply 11311/09/2012
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