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Is It Possible For Gay Guys To Be Monogamous?


by Anonymousreply 14302/17/2013

Which answer do you want to hear? The real one or the one that you want to use to start a flame war?

by Anonymousreply 103/25/2011

Every relationship I have been in I have been monogamous. We have the big discussion how I hate to wear condoms and after 4 months of safer sex, we go in and get tested. If all is good then we skip the condoms with the trust and assurance that we will tell the other if we have sex with someone else. So far, four partners came home with the sad story and four times they have hit the curb. Never wavered once.

by Anonymousreply 203/25/2011

Yes, but only if they're unattractive.

Hawt men face real temptation everywhere they go.

by Anonymousreply 303/25/2011

Of course it is dummy. Just as much as it's possible for straight guys and girls to be monogamous.

by Anonymousreply 403/25/2011

Not if they sit down next to a glory hole.

by Anonymousreply 503/25/2011

Sure. When in a real relationship I'm monogamous, by nature, and without need of rules (and no parsing of what "real" means or "what the definition of 'is' is.") When not, I whore around freely.

by Anonymousreply 603/25/2011

Op, I've met and even dated several serial monogamists. It's just that these schmucks literally start going out with a different guy the day they break up with the old one

by Anonymousreply 703/25/2011

>> Every relationship I have been in I have been monogamous. >>

Oh, dear...

by Anonymousreply 803/25/2011

Is it cheating if you don't get caught?

by Anonymousreply 903/25/2011

I'm monogamous and gay, so I'd have to say yes, it's possible.

by Anonymousreply 1003/25/2011

After years of monogamy, we decided to have an open relationship. We had both strayed doing a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy as long as we played safe and didn't bring it home. However, since we decided to become "open" it took away the desire to play. I'm probably more monogamous in my heart now in an "open" relationship than I was in a "monogamous" relationship.%0D %0D I think this also falls under the umbrella of sex is sex and love is love and the two are not necessarily about one another. You can have sex without love and you can have love without sex. The bigger motivation in any relationship should be "is this the person I want to count on and be my family"? That's where the definition of love outweighs the importance of sex. Knowing you have someone there to weather storms and share the special times with is more important than a scorecard for faithfulness. Monogamy has to come from the heart; not the term of a contract for it to be real.

by Anonymousreply 1103/25/2011

R2 will die alone with many cats.

by Anonymousreply 1203/25/2011

[quote]Just as much as it's possible for straight guys %0D %0D And that's not really a lot. Men aren't hard wired for it and the only thing that keeps married straight men from straying is the Puritan values heaped on this nation. If gays are monogamous, it's because of the influence that drips from straight marriage. If any men, straight or gay, went by their REAL desire they would follow their natural instinct and be hopping from bed to bed. %0D %0D Monogamy and Fundie influence go hand in hand.

by Anonymousreply 1303/25/2011

My partner and I are monogamous and have been for 14 years (with the exception of a handful of times that we have fooled around with someone together). And BTW, we're both hot.

I believe this may be a generational thing (we both just turned 40). I am hearing a lot of younger folks today saying exactly what R13 stated. "Men aren't hard-wired for monogamy..they need to spread their seed". "Monogamy is puritanical". Etc.

I do believe that modern society (gay and straight) are valuing monogamy less and less, and that is fine for them. I myself am happy being with just one person (and adding an occasional third party if the mood hits us), but people need to get real regarding STDs. There are so many crazy things being passed around between people, and a condom isn't going to protect them.

Sleeping around these days is like playing Russian roulette. I only hope the gay youth of today have enough common sense and self-worth to protect themselves in these crazy times.

by Anonymousreply 1403/25/2011

Yes, No.....Yeeeeees?

by Anonymousreply 1503/25/2011

I'm enjoying the thoughtful replies.

by Anonymousreply 1603/25/2011

I would say that it is possible and even desirable for a really good relationship.

by Anonymousreply 1703/25/2011

That "men aren't hardwired for monogamy" meme is just a rationalization for bad behavior. I think if you love your partner you are certainly capable of deciding you will only have sex with them and sticking with it. It may not be for everyone, but everyone short of a sex addict (which I also think is often just rationalizing bad behavior, though legit in some small portion of that group I guess) is capable of it.

by Anonymousreply 1803/25/2011

Can any male be Monogamous?

by Anonymousreply 1903/25/2011

Fucking fuck that! Not happening.

by Anonymousreply 2003/25/2011

The question I want to know is if it is possible for men to be monogamous AND hot at the same time?

by Anonymousreply 2103/25/2011

[quote]Men aren't hard wired for it and the only thing that keeps married straight men from straying is the Puritan values heaped on this nation. If gays are monogamous, it's because of the influence that drips from straight marriage. If any men, straight or gay, went by their REAL desire they would follow their natural instinct and be hopping from bed to bed. %0D %0D Sounds like someone is desperate to justify his whorishness.

by Anonymousreply 2203/25/2011

Yes, because in the end it's about what you choose to do - your actions - rather than how you think you're "wired" that determines whether you'll be monogamous.%0D %0D It may be that men in general (not just gay guys) are "wired" to want to have sex with attractive people - and hey, I'm pretty sure women want to have sex with attractive people also. Just because you're with someone in a relationship doesn't mean you lose your eyesight or sex drive and stop seeing how attractive other people are, or stop wanting to have sex with them.%0D %0D But in the end, it's not like nature is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to have sex with other people. Monogamy is a value system and a choice - you don't act on the temptation to have sex with other people because you've made a promise to your partner to be exclusive to one another, because you think it'll hurt somebody you love or damage your relationship, because of your religious background, whatever. Just because you want to eat junk food doesn't mean you have to. Just because you want an item in a store and an opportunity presents itself doesn't mean you have to steal it.%0D %0D If neither you or your partner want a monogamous relationship, that's fine. But I think it's cowardly when people cheat and pretend like they don't have free will, like they just couldn't help fucking someone else. That's an excuse for avoiding responsibility for what they chose to do (okay, there may be people with psychological / compulsive disorders, but I'm pretty sure they're a minority. And yes, lots of alcohol does lead to bad choices).%0D %0D I was talking with someone yesterday and he said it just wasn't possible for two men to be faithful to one another. Whenever I hear that, I usually just think it's people telegraphing their own values about monogamy, where they can't see themselves being monogamous so imagine others can't be either (if you want to be in a monogamous relationship, don't get with someone who expresses this view). I believe it's possible for gay guys to be monogamous because I'm a gay guy and I want to be in a monogamous relationship, and I know I'm not the only one out there. I'm not an unattractive troll who can't get laid (but who knows, give it a few years). I realize there will be lots of opportunities for sex even after I'm in a relationship, but I don't want to take them up. And if I do end up cheating, it'll be because I chose to value sex over a monogamous relationship, not because some unseen hand forced me to fuck someeone else.

by Anonymousreply 2303/25/2011

[quote]Sounds like someone is desperate to justify his whorishness.%0D %0D %0D Sounds like a fundie frau mentality at r22.

by Anonymousreply 2403/25/2011

R23 = the voice of experience?%0D %0D Please be clear that you are speaking hypothetically. Get back to us in a couple years, and entertain us with your tales of heartbreak.

by Anonymousreply 2503/25/2011

It works for me, but usually not for my partners. I do look very average, though and while I get offers, they aren't overwhelming.

by Anonymousreply 2603/25/2011

Most of the gay couples I know are in open relationships. I am, too.

by Anonymousreply 2703/25/2011

R25, the question was "is it possible for gay guys to be monogamous", not "what are the probabilities of gay guys being in a monogamous relationship and never cheating or getting cheated on" or even "should gay guys be monogamous?"%0D %0D I'm well aware that plenty of people, both straight and gay, are in what they think are moogamous relationships and end up getting cheated on, or end up cheating themselves. It may end up happening to me too, like it's happened to so many others, whether they wanted it or not.%0D %0D But I won't claim it's because it's simply not possible in our genes or whatever to not fuck other people. We choose whether to fuck or not fuck other people all the time. If I end up having sex outside a relationship, hopefully I'll still maintain enough honesty with myself to recognize it's because I wanted to and I acted on it and that was more important than preserving monogamy, not because my DNA forced me to stick my dick somewhere else.

by Anonymousreply 2803/25/2011

[quote]If gays are monogamous, it's because of the influence that drips from straight marriage.

The payoff of whoring around isn't worth the effort. When your lives, your home, your finances become intertwined, you'd throw it all away for a blow job? It has nothing to do with straight marriage.

[quote]If any men, straight or gay, went by their REAL desire they would follow their natural instinct and be hopping from bed to bed.

Even when I was single, I didn't do that.

by Anonymousreply 2903/25/2011

Monogamy is a value system dictated by RELIGION.

by Anonymousreply 3003/25/2011

I'm wired to eat nothing but bad foods, but I don't do it.

by Anonymousreply 3103/25/2011

R14...You are...except when you are not.

Face it, you are NOT monogamous. You have made exceptions. Just say the truth, my boyfriend and I are not in a monogamous relationship because we choose to fool around with other people as a couple.

by Anonymousreply 3203/25/2011

Darn those Scientologist birds and Catholic deer.

by Anonymousreply 3303/25/2011

If a guy gets hard looking at pictures of little boys or little girls...does that mean he should act on it because it is his natural instinct?

by Anonymousreply 3403/25/2011

There was a study done by the AMA (American Morticians Association) and they found dead gays were as monogamous as their hetero counter parts only after emblaming. Prior, many dead gays would stand near a refrigerated drawer containing a male cadaver possessing a big penis. Emblaming seems to be the magic bullet in redering gay males monogamous.

by Anonymousreply 3503/25/2011

[quote]emblaming...%0D %0D LOL

by Anonymousreply 3603/25/2011

Embalming would too cruel, even for horny gays. Emblaming is bitchier and more inline with our true character.

by Anonymousreply 3703/25/2011

This discussion comes up every few months and ALWAYS devolves into a rabid shout fest, with each side condemning the other as being categorically "wrong."

Should be interesting to see where this goes. My POV? (not that you asked). Though the strict monogamy crowd wax eloquently in their theories, I think many times successful monogamy simply comes down to sex drive, how robust it is. Sounds obvious - but I've yet to encounter a rabid horndog couple who don't on some level, hook up with other guys - either with a DADT policy, or via 3-somes.

And the "always open" crowd is ALWAYS cynical about the idea of monogamy. It's their default defensive position as they project their own insecurities onto others who might have a different opinion on the subject. Usually the always open crowd accuses the opposite side of being dishonest or deluded, simply because they can't conceive of being monogamous themselves. It just doesnt scan.

The truth is in the middle. I've known couples who are open, who've been together for years and that I just know in my gut will be together forever. And I know couples who have never strayed, are monogamous and are happy as clams. That's just the way it is.

by Anonymousreply 3803/25/2011

R34, absolutely.

by Anonymousreply 3903/25/2011

MONOGAMY?%0D %0D I thought that was just some old Diana Ross movie!

by Anonymousreply 4003/25/2011

I believe the best way to become monogamous is to say to your partner that it's ok to have sex with other guys, but to be completly honest about it. When the whole "forbidden fruit" and "I feel trapped and need something to prove to myself that I'm still a free person" appeal is gone it results in a most likely "I could if I want to, but I don't really want to" attitude.

by Anonymousreply 4103/25/2011

Some men, gay and straight, hot and not, value monogamy. Others do not. I come from a family of fiercely monogamous straight men, and I apparently internalized their mindset. I never had any interest in slutting around when I was single, I certainly don't as part of a couple. And it has nothing to do with attractiveness or sex drive -- I score high on both factors. Monogamy just makes me happy. It fulfills me. It is not a sacrifice for me, it is a joy. I realize that's not true for everybody, however, so live and let live.

by Anonymousreply 4203/25/2011

In younger generations monogamy is the standard.

Older gays seem to be from a less mentally healthy era and slut around to make up for that.

by Anonymousreply 4303/25/2011

R43, give it 15-20 yrs. You will stray from the roost a few times, I bet. Go cast your stones at your own glass house.

by Anonymousreply 4403/25/2011

[quote]give it 15-20 yrs. You will stray from the roost a few times, I bet. Hmm, I've been at this gay thing for 32 years now, and I've yet to "stray." How much longer before I can be considered a true monogamist in your eyes?

by Anonymousreply 4503/25/2011

R45, sounds like you're there. Do you want a cookie?

by Anonymousreply 4603/25/2011

If well known gay players like Anderson Cooper can maintain a monogamous LTR like he's in now, ANYBODY can do it.

by Anonymousreply 4703/25/2011

This topic is bullshit. I've never ever even thought of cheating on a boyfriend. I have the tendency to be too emotionally distant for most of my relationships to work out, but despite my flaws, cheating has never been an option.

by Anonymousreply 4803/25/2011

r8 stick a comma in it.

by Anonymousreply 4903/25/2011

Most times, if a person is not monogamous, it is because of deep seated issues that they have. They could either have been abandoned by a family member or were abused by someone close to them.%0D %0D They're incapable of forging a close relationship with someone that is based on more than cheap thrills. It's not that they choose not to.

by Anonymousreply 5003/25/2011

I figure people can work out there own deals, and I suppose sex isn't and probably shouldn't be the center of a relationship, but I just don't get the desire to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't make you not want to fuck anyone else.

by Anonymousreply 5103/28/2011

I have a strong sense of schadenfreude when I occasionally have a friend who believes he and his partner are being monogamous, but just prior to their explosive break-up, learns that the partner has only been monogamous for about 10 minutes into their relationship.

I'm all "Gee, so sorry!" but really, "tee-hee-hee!"

by Anonymousreply 5203/28/2011

I'm in an open relationship. My partner and I have been together 10 years and we agreed early on that we were not interested in pursuing monogamy. We have rules and are fairly conservative/choosy outside of our own bedroom. We like to have fun (always safe) but we aren't wanton sluts, either. We talk about this aspect of our relationship semi-regularly and continue to believe it's the best model for us. We are also deeply in love with each other and committed for life. Go ahead, flame away. You're entitled to your opinion but it has no meaning in my life.

Our coupled friends run the gamut from genuinely monogamous (believable), "claim to be" monogamous (widely known to be untrue on one or both sides), and degrees of openness from (forgive the cliche) mild to wild.

I'm annoyed by OP's phrasing. This is not a GAY thing, it's a man thing, or more properly a human thing. The proper question is can ANY couple be monogamous? I believe some genuinely can and are, but that most actually don't want it, on one or both sides.

In gay culture you have more open relationships because two men are more likely to discuss sex without love and understand that it's possible, enjoyable and even mutually beneficial. Still I've known straight and lesbian open relationships, and plenty of promiscuous women that span the Kinsey scale...many, though, falling somewhere in the middle. To claim this is a "man" question is as short-sighted as claiming it's a gay one. I'd venture most of the biggest sluts in history have been either straight or some level of bi, with women surprisingly well represented despite their long history of oppression/repression.

Now many openly gay people, like straights, practice the same heterosexual hypocrisy over non-monogamy and either cheat on their partners, stew in willful ignorance, or go through a series of relationships (serial "monogamy").

Publicly, these hypocrites hold themselves up as paragons of virtue, while behind closed doors mistrust, dysfunction and delusion abound. But our relationship model, which is based on trust, honesty and communication, hurts no one, barely rates an NC-17 rating and is virtually indistinguishable from anyone else's on the surface (we're quite ordinary), is the "bad" one. That's some potent brainwashing.

This isn't true of all monogamists, not even most, but the hypocrisy and level of disconnect, especially when comparing gay versus straight, is laughable.

by Anonymousreply 5303/28/2011

A good gay friend of mine insists that gay men can't be monogamous, and I think this is a really stupid statement.

As a gay man in my 20's, I know myself well enough to know that I could definitely be monogamous. I have been in relationships where I found it easy to avoid temptation.

Men are programmed to be pretty sexual and I think it's a challenge for many men to remain monogamous, gay or straight, but it comes down to the individual and I honestly think that blanket statements like "Gay men can't be monogamous" come from young city gays who are so used to sleeping with every guy they meet that they've lost track of what monogamy even means.

by Anonymousreply 5403/28/2011

Just do what works for you. No judgments.

by Anonymousreply 5503/28/2011

I don't know many couple that are gay or straight. Of course we are mostly middle aged and have been together for 10-20 years most of us...'nuff said.

by Anonymousreply 5603/28/2011

Yes. It's possible.%0D %0D But just like with heterosexuals, it's not entirely likely.%0D

by Anonymousreply 5703/28/2011

Monogamy is not natural. There may be practical reasons for it in some circumstances -- but otherwise, why would anyone want it?

by Anonymousreply 5803/28/2011

"Most times, if a person is not monogamous, it is because of deep seated issues that they have."

Right, Dr. Brothers, right.

by Anonymousreply 5903/28/2011

Whether you are monogamous or not has little to do with your gender or orientation. It has to do with your upbringing, and by that I mean seeing the people around you in their relationships, whether it's your parents, grandparents, neighbors, parents of your friends, etc.

by Anonymousreply 6003/28/2011

Listen, country mouse at R54, we're all monogamists west of the Allegheny.

by Anonymousreply 6103/28/2011

It's a lot easier to be monogamous if you're unattractive.%0D %0D If you're with a hot boyfriend, you can pretty much bet he's not monogamous.%0D

by Anonymousreply 6203/28/2011

Why would you want to be? Too many hot guys out there.

by Anonymousreply 6303/28/2011

[quote]Is It Possible For Gay Guys To Be Monogamous?

Only if you're a DL regular, it would seem.

by Anonymousreply 6403/28/2011

[quote]If you're with a hot boyfriend, you can pretty much bet he's not monogamous.

I don't think this is true in all cases. Even really hot guys are capable of committing sometimes.

by Anonymousreply 6503/28/2011

No, they're not, R65. I have cheated on every one of my boyfriends.

Sent from my iPhone

by Anonymousreply 6603/29/2011

R66, your post should read, "no, I'M not". Just because you're a two timing slut, you can't assume everyone else is.

by Anonymousreply 6703/29/2011

Humans actually tend towards monogamy, and that whole "men are less monogamous" line doesn't have a lot of scientific backup - (a) humans tend towards monogamy and (b) women are just as "non-monogamous" as men.

by Anonymousreply 6803/29/2011

Everyone, an anonymous stranger on the internet who claims to be a Ph.D student says so, so it must be true.

by Anonymousreply 6903/29/2011

Considering all I ever study is female and male primate mating and sexual strategies, R69, it's not so far-fetched that I might have read (countless) articles on the subject. I am pretty convinced that humans "tend" towards monogamy - that doesn't mean infallibly. It's just irritating for people to go on about how men are "naturally" promiscuous - this would be a naturalistic fallacy IF it were backed up by the stats. It's not. Humans of any gender combination tend towards emotionally driven pair-bonded serial monogamy. Serial - not lifelong. Which if course doesn't mean people CAN'T be "promiscuous" or CAN'T be lifelong monogamists.

by Anonymousreply 7003/29/2011

Sure men can be monogamous.

We can also hold our breath, but not for very long.

by Anonymousreply 7103/29/2011

I do find it interesting how many young'uns think that monogamy is going to come easily to them.

by Anonymousreply 7203/29/2011

I think that the "men aren't hard wired for monogamy" message is just social programming as well. It's all part of that pressure for men to think of themselves as libido driven Alphas.

Some men are libido driven Alphas. Some aren't. Everybody is different. Some men prefer monogamy and don't find it so difficult. It doesn't have to do with being "hot". It has to do with what turns you, in particular, on and how emotionally driven that is.

I can't stand the way there are these false biologically based arguments for shoving a certain brand of masculinity down people's throats. There's nothing wrong with that Alpha brand of masculinity in itself, but there are so many different ways to be a man in the world than that.

by Anonymousreply 7303/29/2011

Possible, yes.

Probable? Eh.

by Anonymousreply 7403/29/2011

[quote]The payoff of whoring around isn't worth the effort. When your lives, your home, your finances become intertwined, you'd throw it all away for a blow job? It has nothing to do with straight marriage.

Sure it does. Straight marriage is where people get the stupid idea that a blow job should end a relationship.

by Anonymousreply 7503/29/2011

my partner has sleep with others on numerous occasions and has told me.

I choose not to sleep with others.

What does that make me a doormat? In an open relationship. What?

by Anonymousreply 7603/29/2011

R76, co-dependent. Or you just don't care.

by Anonymousreply 7703/29/2011

I think it is possible to be monogamous if sex is not the focal point of your life. To make love a couple times a week with your partner. %0D %0D But most people use sex for reasons besides love: addiction to the high of cheating or "bagging a babe"; "revenge" on their current partner; emotional issues ("Daddy didn't love me..."); sleeping your way to a better situation ("trading-up"); feeding their ego. So they're constantly cruising.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 7803/29/2011

What exactly does co-dependent mean?

by Anonymousreply 7903/29/2011

Your own happyness depends on someone else's happyness, approval, attention, etc.

Meaning: You can't be happy unless someone else makes you happy.

by Anonymousreply 8003/29/2011

I agree with r73.

by Anonymousreply 8103/29/2011

Being monogamous is a heterosexual social construct based on the purtantical Christian values. Why would we want to base our social construct on the religious church's? Without religious social limitations, we can do as we truly please and as evolution has dictated. We need to stand up, my brothers, and stop being oppressed by the straight man. We need to create our own reality. Sent from my iPhone

by Anonymousreply 8203/29/2011

That isn't possible for everyone R80.

by Anonymousreply 8303/30/2011

r82, the "Sent from my iPhone" douche, evolution also dictates that we kill each other, rape women, and fulfill certain roles as men and women. We live in a civilized society. Sorry, you can't be part of it. Most of us choose not to be knuckle-dragging idiots, living in the Stone Age, shitting whenever and wherever we please. Monogamy IS important, and wasn't invented by the Puritans. I don't want to have a partner sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry on the block, bringing diseases back to me. I also want to have a real relationship. You must have a very miserable, and shallow life. How gay of you.

by Anonymousreply 8403/30/2011

That's the problem. Congress, under lobbyist pressure, grant tax incentives for green technology, and they also give tax incentives and subsidies to other industries like farming and oil and gas. Look what happend when gas company subsidies were talked about. The lobbyists are playing both sides of the aisle, just in different segments that cater to their ideology.

by Anonymousreply 8503/30/2011

r85 is obviously a cheater.

by Anonymousreply 8603/30/2011

STFU R86 !!! By labelling this data as evidence in criminal proceeding, the data is subject to chain of custody considerations and will remain in evidence as long as the criminal proceedings are ongoing and thereafter as long as the appeals process goes forward. This will be years and maybe even a decade or more. This would almost be tolerable if independent review by an independent team of scientists were allowed simultaneous access to the data but the government is not allowing this. Dual samples could have been selected or existing samples split for independent teams, in order to maintain the chain of custody and authenticity of samples for the criminal case. The way the government is handling this, and NOAAs past attempts to obfuscate and limit scientific research draw this whole effort into discredit. These are the kinds of issues where, if you are a liberal who voted for Obama, and I am, you watch the administration closely because this is where they will show how aligned they are with big business versus the public and the environment. I am not hopeful.

by Anonymousreply 8703/30/2011

R73 said it well. Men's sexual wiring varies considerably from one to the next. Some gay men are not only monogamous but they find it no struggle at all; it's their nature. Other gay men are totally non-monogamous and it's their nature to have plenty of sex with new partners. Many other gay men are somewhere in between.

My only strong opinion on this subject is that life goes better when you (a) discover your true nature with respect to this topic, and (b) live honestly about it.

by Anonymousreply 8803/30/2011

r87 = cunt.

by Anonymousreply 8903/30/2011

I agree with R88 except for two things. %0D %0D 1.) A person's "true nature" can change with time, life experience and maturity. Some people sow their oats early and then happily become monogamous when their hormones settle down in middle age. %0D %0D 2.) Some choose to go against their true nature to live a better/healthier life.%0D It's the true nature of an alcoholic to drink, but many choose to stay sober and are much happier and fulfilled as a result. Lot's of people eventually just get sick of the emotional emptiness of slutting around and make the conscious decision to be monogamous even though it goes against their "true nature." We can do that as evolved humans.%0D

by Anonymousreply 9003/30/2011

If you want sex with different people don't get into a relationship.%0D %0D Why is that difficult for you to understand?

by Anonymousreply 9103/30/2011

I believe we became victims of the "fresh" craze where even emotions must be fresh. As soon something has established itself we seek that new fresh tingly (butterflies in your stomach) kind of thrill.

by Anonymousreply 9203/30/2011

I don't think it matters whether you're gay or straight, male or female (and there have been studies that prove women cheat on their mates almost as much as men do, despite the stereotypes.) I think it depends a lot on whether or not your parents and the other adults in your community screwed around. If it was a common, accepted practice, it seems normal to you. If not, not. %0D %0D My question is, why be in a relationship at all? If you want to be free to have as much sex as you want, why not just stay single? It's either because you're insecure and want someone to be "there" for you even though you're not into them that much, or because that person is so special to you that you're willing to forego the fun of screwing around in exchange for his love and companionship. %0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 9303/30/2011

How dare you conform to the phallocentric, heteroconformist, heteronormative lifestyle. Don't you know that it's your duty as a homosexual to engage in as much sex wherever and whenever you please? I'm sick of always pandering to the straight social norm. You should too.

by Anonymousreply 9403/30/2011

[quote]Straight marriage is where people get the stupid idea that a blow job should end a relationship.%0D %0D Not always.

by Anonymousreply 9503/30/2011

[quote]My question is, why be in a relationship at all? If you want to be free to have as much sex as you want, why not just stay single? It's either because you're insecure and want someone to be "there" for you even though you're not into them that much, or because that person is so special to you that you're willing to forego the fun of screwing around in exchange for his love and companionship. %0D %0D R11 answered this.%0D %0D [quote]You can have sex without love and you can have love without sex. The bigger motivation in any relationship should be "is this the person I want to count on and be my family"? That's where the definition of love outweighs the importance of sex. Knowing you have someone there to weather storms and share the special times with is more important than a scorecard for faithfulness.

by Anonymousreply 9603/30/2011

For some, yes, for others, not so much.

I should pretend to be a Gypsy and sit on a street corner and sell this kind of deep, deep mystical fucking wisdom.

by Anonymousreply 9703/30/2011

But sucking a stranger's dick through a gloryhole is not really sex. Is it?

by Anonymousreply 9803/30/2011

It's officially sex only if there are traces of DNA somewhere on or near your person.

by Anonymousreply 9903/30/2011

I'm sure that open relationships work for some.

My experience with them is that they always work to the advantage of one person the most. The other partner(s) involved is/are usually having to stuff down a lot of pain to make it work.

But to each their own absolutely.

It's really silly, though, to act like monogamy is some oppressive societal construct. I honestly prefer it. I spent so much time whoring around and having "intense" affairs that made me feel very cool. I always seemed to having sex so I could tell a story to myself about it later.

Now that I have a partner, I just like the intimacy of sex together. It doesn't matter what we do. And it's not boring at all. Anything we do together feels good to me because we love each other. I think you do have to be careful to keep the sex alive between you in partnerships. It's easy for it to always get put on the back burner after a while because other things can start to take over.

I would not cheat on my partner even if I had the urge. He is really good to me and to cheat would be really disloyal. I don't consider that some societal brainwash. I consider it taking care of my relationship.

by Anonymousreply 10003/31/2011

While the other threads on DL are crumbling under the sheer weight of mindless vapidity, this thread is reasonably sane and interesting. Also, I really like R53; his logic and calm reason make me suspect he got lost and ended up here on accident.

by Anonymousreply 10103/31/2011

My (male) partner has been monogamous to me (male) for almost 19 years.

by Anonymousreply 10203/31/2011

Yes and No. First, statistics aren't on the side of gay men when it comes to monogamy. Gay men tend to harbor a lackadaisical attitude toward sexual oppression...wonder why?? More statistics report that couples become disinterested and after about an average of 5 years some decide to allow for sexual activities outside of their relationships. This is especially true for relationships that began out of the interest of only "hooking-up" in the first place. On the other shouldn't be surprised to hear that gay couples who mirror those committed-type relationships and attitudes of the overriding culture (i.e. heterosexual) are the most likely to be in real monogamous relationships; and overwhelmingly so. Now, personally I believe in monogamy as does my SO, but given statistical analysis I understand that it is a difficult virtue to find in another person.

by Anonymousreply 10303/31/2011

I believe that monogamy, while certainly possible, runs against our biology.

We have evolved to be in heat from the onset of puberty to old age. Since, from a biological view, we are designed to find as many partners as possible to spread our unique DNA, we are built to respond to many, many, many different possible sperm receptors.

Since I believe homosexuality - while entirely inborn and natural - is still a sexual appetite superimposed on our urge to reproduce, our lusts continue, though we like to play with our own sex.

Additionally, in most of the people I have met - regardless of sexual orientation - sexual attraction often dissipates with both routine and familiarity.

But this is neither a good nor bad thing. It is just what is.

by Anonymousreply 10403/31/2011

There are many species which are naturally monogamous, either serially or for life, but in species where the male isn't monogamous, the female isn't, either. It's not just a male thing.

by Anonymousreply 10504/01/2011

r100 - how long have you and your bf been together?

by Anonymousreply 10604/01/2011

I agree with r73. The message that "men aren't hard wired for monogamy" has no reputable scientific basis and is just as propagandistic as Christian arguments that everyone has to be monogamous in order to be moral.

The truth is, everyone is different, and everyone has to do as his conscience dictates, and be honest about it with his partner.

But this idea that we're all the same when it comes to monogamy is so stupid. Clearly all men aren't the same when it comes to sexual orientation--why should we all be the same with regards to monogamy and/or promiscuity?

by Anonymousreply 10704/01/2011

All you need to do is stick a big dick in there. Problem solved.

by Anonymousreply 10804/01/2011

I've been in a monogamous relationship for 18 years. Happy with it, too. I think it all depends on the individual. I guess my partner and I were lucky to meet each other. We believe in the same things. When we were younger (we're in our 30s/40s now) we were popular in the gay scene and the only way to maintain our relationship was to pull away from that environment. We did, and now, 18 years on, we're happy. Open relationships are cool if you are cool with them.

by Anonymousreply 10904/07/2011

Yes, absolutely. I prefer monogamy. But, that's how I feel.

by Anonymousreply 11004/07/2011

Men are hard-wired to kill, which is an animal instinct. It's all around. Animals kill animals for survival.

If we are hard-wired for violence, why does society say it's bad?

by Anonymousreply 11104/07/2011

Early Gays hard-wired for violence are the ultimate tops.

by Anonymousreply 11204/07/2011

I am in a partnership but including ours every single couple we know has had one of the two stray sexually away.

With me it has been an ongoing issue...many of our friends are still together regardless of "cheating."

by Anonymousreply 11308/21/2011

I don't know why people seem to be so "proud" to be non-monogamous. It's a choice, not an achievement. You saw holes and you fucked them. So what? You showed your hole and it was fucked. No biggie.

by Anonymousreply 11408/21/2011


by Anonymousreply 11509/20/2012

I was with my partner for 11 years before we broke up. I was monogamous the whole time, and he said he was. (We broke up for different reasons; he had a major professional crisis and went into a downward spiral thinking he was a failure, that no one could pull him out of.)

The closest we came to something else was someone else who wanted a threesome for us, and he was very hot, but he was a "versatile bottom" which meant I would be doing both of them and my partner thought about it and said no.

And yes, I had offers otherwise but I loved my ex deeply and still do. I would take him back and gladly be monogamous again if I thought it would last.

by Anonymousreply 11609/20/2012

R102, consider yourself a very lucky man. That is so rare.

by Anonymousreply 11709/20/2012

Of course it's possible--there are gay men who are monogamous.

But many gay men are not and could not imagine being monogamous. That's why they're so threatened on this thread by the gay men who are and keep treating them down. They're terrified at the idea that their polyamory is not "hard wired" into them.

I don't think gay men should tear others down either for being monogamous or for not being monogamous. Everyone is different. One size does not fit all when it comes to sex lives.

by Anonymousreply 11809/20/2012

It could be, but most likely not. Monogamy is not natural among primates. If you decide to spent 40 years with someone it is unlikely that through these decades someone would not have at least one out of marriage play. Even majority of the straight people are not monogamous. What I know gay men that demand monogamy, they are always single. They never been in relationship or they are serial monogamist... they are monogamous only for duration of their short relationship. If you live in small island and there is only other man there, you can have your monogamous relationship.

by Anonymousreply 11912/28/2012

WoW R2 , you really know how to pick'em.

by Anonymousreply 12012/28/2012

Only Breeders do monogamy.

by Anonymousreply 12112/28/2012

It's an interesting question. I wish I could say yes because I want love. Something closer to what I understand "real love" to be. But that isn't really a conceivable thing. I blame disney for my high expectations of men.

by Anonymousreply 12202/17/2013

r27, this is why straight America is against gay marriage

by Anonymousreply 12302/17/2013

r82, why do you support gay marriage then?

by Anonymousreply 12402/17/2013

It's entirely possible. I don't know how common it is, but it does happen.

by Anonymousreply 12502/17/2013

The more you obsess about staying faithful the more you think about its counterpart and how sweet that forbidden fruit must taste.

I would even dare to claim that couples who value honesty over being faithful to each other have fewer extra marital affairs than couples who insist on being monogamous, because all the temptation sure must cause a great deal of tension.

by Anonymousreply 12602/17/2013

Thou shall not commit adultery is one of the real commandments

by Anonymousreply 12702/17/2013

I've been in open relationships that work. But, the "open" part of the relationship still had boundaries, limits. I don't think I could do a completely laissez faire relationship.

I think there's a huge problem with gay guys understanding and accepting, at least in part, the reality of gay male promiscuous sexuality (not ALL gay men, but a large amount of gay men) and sort of resigning themselves to not just an open relationship, but one that's not "open" in the way that they really want it to be. Basically, nothing is ever sorted out or defined, so conflict or frustration arises.

Also, for all the "this is who we are" proclamations, and "why should we follow hetero social construct" sentiments, why do I know so many gay men who tout their open relationship, yet are still fucking miserable? On the other hand, to be fair, I know people in open relationships that seem to work and they seem happy, and people in more traditional relationships that are miserable.

by Anonymousreply 12802/17/2013

Rules are rules. It's a matter about how comfortable the parties involved in this relationship are with each other and their boundaries.

by Anonymousreply 12902/17/2013

Is straight men are so anti-monogamous, how come they always flip out when their parents aren't?

by Anonymousreply 13002/17/2013

[quote] But in the end, it's not like nature is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to have sex with other people.

I find this to be untrue. Nature has a many tricks with which to force people to lose control.

I am naturally monogamous, but I have strayed at times in the past and I certainly wouldn't expect monogamy of anyone else, but then I don't believe in an ownership model of human behavior and family. I suspect that both monogamy and marriage are at heart unethical social relations.

But I don't make a stink out of it because I find it natural and easy to be monogamous.

by Anonymousreply 13102/17/2013

so you are opposed to gay marriage right r131?

by Anonymousreply 13202/17/2013

No, I am for gay equality R132 so I am for gay marriage.

That I don't believe in marriage in general does not mean I impose my values on anyone who believes differently. And there are circumstances where I would marry, say, if an old Canadian friend wanted to immigrate to the US or something and it was clear that the immigration authorities would recognize this relationship as determinative.

by Anonymousreply 13302/17/2013

so r133, you are saying gay marriage is a sham?

by Anonymousreply 13402/17/2013

No, I am saying you are a sham R134. A lying, trolling idiot.

by Anonymousreply 13502/17/2013

I just don't get this. I never did. All the rationalization. I don't care about gay. I don't care about straight. If it's what we both what I have no difficulty prioritizing the feelings and dignity of who I'm with over my cock.

If I'm committed to somebody, I'm committed to them. Every day isn't easy. It takes work. I keep it zipped. Not that hard. Not really.

by Anonymousreply 13602/17/2013

If you and your partner want monogamy then that's what you'll strive for so it's certainly possible to have that. You can't lump all gay men together. I think gay relationships are a work in progress now.

R131 Nature also pushes back when a population becomes more promiscuous. Look at the recent past with the free love of the 60's giving rise to syphilis & gonorrhea epidemics, with HIV in the 80's & 90's. Now the CDC has issued a warning about Super Syphilis virus that's resistant to antibiotics. They're now suggesting being monogamous as a way to cut down on this new epidemic

by Anonymousreply 13702/17/2013

And could I add, the way I was raised, the people I knew, who were my role models and examples, it would never occur to me to be anything else but monogamous.

Whatever floats your boat but to me all this open stuff is just a massive construct to justify self indulgence. It's just fucking sex.

by Anonymousreply 13802/17/2013

It's not rationalization. it's philosophy. What rights do you have on someone else's body or emotions? NONE. You have NO RIGHTS in this area at all.

by Anonymousreply 13902/17/2013

If a meaningful, sustainable relationship only adds up to individual rights of body and emotion, R139, definitely stick with open. Or grow up. Or get some therapy.

by Anonymousreply 14002/17/2013

Most gay couples I know are all monogamous, 25, 20, 18, 7, 22, & 21 years together, off the top of my head.

There's such a misconception that all gays are promiscuous, it's simply untrue.

by Anonymousreply 14102/17/2013

Drop the hostility R140. Relationships are possible, but people need to dial down their expectations, that's all.

by Anonymousreply 14202/17/2013

Low expectations, low quality. Aim high. That's half the problem for gay people. We expect and demand so little of ourselves. Outside of the gym, anyway.

by Anonymousreply 14302/17/2013
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