Is this even possible?%0D %0D Anyone here have any experience with this?
Dating someone who probably has Borderline Personality Disorder
|by Anonymous||reply 147||09/21/2014|
Why would you even WANT to? That is just asking for serious trouble.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||03/05/2011|
OP? Seriously - RUN IN THEM OTHER DIRECTION AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||03/05/2011|
"Is this even possible?"
Of course it is, Blanche.
It'll work out well if you're an emotional & psychological masochist, however.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||03/05/2011|
Which is worse? A borderline or one with narcissistic personality disorder? Or for that matter a sociopath? I get these disorders confused as to degree of "fucked up."
|by Anonymous||reply 4||03/05/2011|
r4, the Borderline wins every time. Seriously, OP, don't do it. Being stuck with a family member with BPD is not the same as choosing to get involved with someone with it.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||03/05/2011|
Borderlines are fucked up cuz they're almost better at deceiving people about their amorality than sociopaths.
I lived with one for two years. Extremely narcissistic, and he honestly believed that he was better than everyone else.
I recommend breaking up with him now, unless you're ready for a serious roller coaster.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||03/05/2011|
my mom has some type of personality disorder. My father has an ability to just "deal" with it. He was a workaholic growing up and now in his retirement, he volunteers over 40 hours a week.%0D %0D I say run away, I can't stand to be around the manipulation and narcissism.%0D %0D I don't know how my father does it, he will just say "ya know, your mother is just in one of her moods".%0D %0D Anyway, OP... run and don't look back.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||03/05/2011|
I have known two borderline people. Very bad news. Seriously, stay away.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||03/05/2011|
They will take your money, kill your dog and fuck your best friend. Run fast and far.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||03/05/2011|
OP here%0D %0D The problem is, how do I even know he is? I have googled the symptoms and he has a few of them. But he also could just be really deeply hurt by past relationships and is difficult because of that.%0D %0D I love him, I hear what you are all saying about running the other way, but if I do it will be on an assumption, and that will be unfair to him. %0D %0D I have decided to work through this with a therapist and have already made an appointment.%0D
|by Anonymous||reply 10||03/05/2011|
OP, you sound crazy.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||03/05/2011|
I'm not surprised P6esq @r8- "birds of a feather."
Tell everyone what you got out of these relationships.
And what's up with your pretentious handle?
|by Anonymous||reply 12||03/05/2011|
Has he been evaluated for BDP? If it looks like he meets the criteria there is treatment available. One treatment that has been found to be effective is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
Your therapist can help you look at the criteria from the perspective of how professionals look at them (he/she would never diagnose someone who isn't there but it is appropriate for them to educate you about what it looks like).
If you think he has it and he's not willing to do anything about it I'd get out - it will be too much of a roller coaster in the long run.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||03/05/2011|
"The problem is, how do I even know he is? I have googled the symptoms and he has a few of them"
So it's DIY diagnosing? The BF needs to split then.
|by Anonymous||reply 14||03/05/2011|
I'm with R11, OP. It sounds like YOU have the problem here. When you say you're going to work thru this with a therapist, I hope you're going to focus on just why you want to pursue a relationship with this person and why you think you "love" someone you don't seem to know well. Do you feel a need to be punished?
|by Anonymous||reply 15||03/05/2011|
With everyone on the thread urging OP to run away from the BPD you just KNEW he wouldn't listen and insist on making it work. He thinks trying to make it work means he himself should see a therapist! The irony!
|by Anonymous||reply 16||03/05/2011|
Men don't get diagnosed with this. It's a bullshit misogyny diagnosis for women who are emotionally broken by their bad childhoods.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||03/05/2011|
You don't love him, OP, you love the person he's appearing to be because he wants you to fall in love with him. Everything he's ever told you is a calculated lie.%0D %0D Once you've fallen in love with him, then he can destroy you.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||03/05/2011|
Sociopaths seem incapable of love. Do bi-polars have the ability to truly love, dspite all the weirdness in their brains?
|by Anonymous||reply 19||03/05/2011|
|by Anonymous||reply 20||03/05/2011|
Is it a man or woman OP?
|by Anonymous||reply 21||03/05/2011|
|by Anonymous||reply 22||03/05/2011|
Why do we have this thread every two weeks?
|by Anonymous||reply 23||03/05/2011|
"Men don't get diagnosed with this."%0D %0D They sure do. Nice that all your personality flaws/ disorders and overall crap behavior can be blamed on "sexism." Nice to have that crutch. But you're still living in Crazy Pants, Crazy Town. %0D %0D As for OP, you seem to have that "I can mend a baby bird's broken wing" bullshit going on. If that kind of relationship appeals to you, then knock yourself out. But don't kid yourself: your love won't heal what someone doesn't want to fix. That's a grandiose delusion on your part.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||03/05/2011|
OP, you're not listening, which is how this usually goes. You will learn (or not) the hard way, as many of us have. I have sat through long dinners, pushing to make conversation and hitting a brick wall with every exchange...and then been accused of not talking to him once we got home. I've given into some little sexual taste, and then had it thrown out in public that I'm kinky. Not wanting to introduce him to my friends, when he's turned down multiple opportunities.%0D %0D After a while, you start to question yourself, and you accept this craziness. You seek therapy or wish to change yourself. It won't work. In the end, it will become so intolerable you will leave, or he will coldly dump you - without really telling you unless you push hard for an explanation.%0D %0D Of course, your case is different. You will be the exception. Enjoy.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||03/05/2011|
The peeps here ranting about their BPD partners sound nuts. Could it be that you are projecting? BPD in another sounds like an excuse for not taking responsibility for your own obviously dysfunctional behavior.
|by Anonymous||reply 26||03/05/2011|
Aren't you projecting, r26?
|by Anonymous||reply 27||03/05/2011|
OP here%0D %0D He and I are both men.%0D %0D I have chosen to seek advice from a professional because I deeply care about this human being and want to make sure I handle this correctly. I think therapy is a great way to get through difficult issues and decisions. I hardly think that makes me crazy. %0D %0D I have been thinking about breaking up with him for weeks for many reasons. A friend of mine told me he is probably BPD because of how he often acts and reacts and so I have been researching it. I previously knew nothing at all about it. I simply ignored the things that really did frustrate and hurt me because most of the time it was the greatest relationship I have had. %0D %0D How this breakup will impact him is important to me, because he is emotionally fragile. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. I am hoping when I do leave, it is for the right reasons and not because I think he has BP.%0D %0D Anyway, thanks for your help - even the smart asses.%0D %0D
|by Anonymous||reply 28||03/05/2011|
I'm not the arm chair psychologist diagnosing people here, r27; it was an observation, not a projection.
I asked a question, made an observation, then drew an obvious, sane conclusion. Perhaps you are projecting, 27. Are you a Psychiatrist- or perhaps an attorney?
|by Anonymous||reply 29||03/05/2011|
OP, you sound fat. Are you a fat person?
|by Anonymous||reply 30||03/05/2011|
"I have chosen to seek advice from a professional because I deeply care about this human being and want to make sure I handle this correctly."
So you want to go to a therapist & have the therapist diagnose your BF for you, sight unseen.
Please, OP, break up with the guy--he doesn't need your psychodrama BS.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||03/05/2011|
OP, you sound like you're in Dallas.
Are you in Dallas?
|by Anonymous||reply 32||03/05/2011|
Let the breakup be your test. If he sells your stuff and tells your friends and fam that you gave him HIV he's BPD.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||03/05/2011|
r30 and r32 are right: OP sounds like a fat person in Dallas. Like a not very bright fat person in Dallas.
|by Anonymous||reply 34||03/05/2011|
So many misperceptions. We aren't monsters. We do have a conscience, and many of us torture ourselves when we hurt people and make mistakes. Bear in mind that many borderlines has hellacious childhoods. In my case I was sexually, physically, verbally, and emotionally abused by my father. I was raped, beaten, starved, and tortured in various ways until I was almost 14. I developed behaviors and ideas as a result of my abuse.
I refer to myself as a borderline in recovery. When we had the long BPD thread a few years ago I was the recovering borderline who answered a bunch of questions and shared my experiences. Eighteen months of individual Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) made a world of difference. DBT is highly effective. Very much so. Problem is finding someone with the DBT training and patience to treat a borderline.
It is possible to control BPD, but it requires a ton of personal responsibility, commitment to examining beliefs and behaviors, and determination to maintain and use tools learned through DBT. I am considered highly functioning, and my shrink has even debated whether I fit the criteria now. I think of myself as "recovering" because I still refer to the DBT manual and periodically reevaluate my behaviors. I treat the BPD like an addiction that may resurface if I'm not vigilant.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||03/05/2011|
misperceptions = misconceptions
Pardon the error.
|by Anonymous||reply 36||03/05/2011|
has hellacious = had hellacious
I usually proofread before I hit submit. Pardon additional errors.
|by Anonymous||reply 37||03/05/2011|
[quote] I treat the BPD like an addiction that may resurface if I'm not vigilant I hope you keep getting better; you deserve it. Few have the courage and will to do what you're doing.
|by Anonymous||reply 38||03/05/2011|
My father was Borderline. One by one, the family had to divorce themselves from him, that is, if he didn't cut us out first.
He died 2 years ago, I hadn't had a relationship with him in 13 years. Trying to help him was like trying to help an elephant get out of quicksand. It's impossible to do without destroying yourself in the process.
My family is still recovering.
|by Anonymous||reply 39||03/05/2011|
Beware 'professionals' who use borderline as a catchall, or if they simply don't like a client.
Being treated for grief issues and moderate depression a couple years ago, an excellent BHT/case manager, empathetic to LGBT people and issues was fired and replaced by, literally, a NARTH-pushing evangelical minister with no credentials other than a theology degree.
He decided that gay men are essentially pedophiles, tried to severely escalate the diagnosis in favor of 'borderline' (I'm not even close, according to a real shrink) and started making unfounded accusations about my danger to others, unsupported by anything inside or outside the therapeutic situation (a review of records obtained under HIPAA.)
He's still there, in this public clinic. I contemplated a lawsuit, but this clown is unconditionally supported by the clinic management.
|by Anonymous||reply 40||03/05/2011|
R12:%0D %0D I misread the posting. I had one friend and one acquaintance who were borderline, but I never dated one, thank god.%0D %0D How did I get out of the situation? I avoided them until they got the hint, but it meant making sure they did not have new addresses and telephone numbers, etc.%0D %0D Why is how how I sign my messages here something that interests you? Surely you have more going on in your life than to sit around and ponder something like that.%0D %0D Seriously, borderline people are very bad news. Even therapists often dread dealing with them.%0D %0D %0D %0D
|by Anonymous||reply 41||03/05/2011|
R35:%0D %0D Good for you. That's wonderful. That's courage. %0D %0D I posted before I read your story. Let me change my suggestions so it is not quite so negative.%0D %0D Don't hold out any hope for any kind of relationship with a person who is borderline unless the person is committed to long-term therapy, has been in it for a long time, and has made considerable progress. %0D %0D It is somewhat similar to getting close to a drunk. You can't get into a relationship with a drunk, not a real mutual bond of affection and so forth, because he won't be healthy enough to do that. %0D %0D If you put your feelings into that, there is only one way to end up -- hurt. Same with someone who is borderline and not in treatment.%0D %0D If you fall for a drunk who has had say a year of sobriety or a borderline in long-term therapy, then it might work, but keep your eyes wide open.
|by Anonymous||reply 42||03/05/2011|
[quote] Let me change my suggestions so it is not quite so negative.
Thanks, Counselor; that shows character.
And my question was:
[quote] Tell everyone what you got out of these relationships.
Not how. I see you miss details.
Your signature in adjunct with your profession feels a bit high-sounding for an attorney that is making value judgements with zero data who misses details (you sound like my ex).
That said, your post at r42 redeems you a bit.
|by Anonymous||reply 43||03/05/2011|
P6Esq is straight.
|by Anonymous||reply 44||03/05/2011|
SO? Does that make him/her special, r44?
I'm straight, too.
|by Anonymous||reply 45||03/05/2011|
|by Anonymous||reply 46||03/05/2011|
BPD Survivor here. I remembrr the post several years ago. It was at the height of my divorced, at which time my ex filed divorce papers against me. She admitted she had been beaten & locked in her room by her mother as a child, and it was discovered her 'almighty' father had sexually abused her as a young girl, repeatedly. No wonder by the time I met her, she was a secret builimic and anorexic. She also had a proclivity for violence, first against me, & later in the divorce against our daughter. Child Protective Services was called out against her twice. The shrink told me our marriage was over the day I told her that if she wouldn't get help, then I was going to get help to learn how to live with someone with a passion for violence, addictive behaviors (compulsive spender, compulsive liar, etc., also). I didn't realize it at the time; however that backed her into a corner: she had to make a decision to live with ME for the rest of her life or live with her addictions and BPD. Coward that she was, she picked the latter. Her shrink later told me that BPD is a psychosis & that many people have it, but only a few have it severely enough to be called psychotic. My ex is still out there, married the loser she was seeing while she and I were married, and divorced him last year. She obviously has not gotten or followed through with proper help and treatment. I feel sorry for her and anyone who gets in her way. She's a kind, loving woman when the BPD hasn't kicked in. Unfortunately, she is 'damaged goods," as her first husband described her once.
|by Anonymous||reply 47||03/05/2011|
OP My dad has BPD and I could not even imagine what it would be like to date someone with it at all. So, please do not do it and save yourself the heartache.
|by Anonymous||reply 48||03/05/2011|
a bit high-sounding for an attorney that is . . . .
"[T]hat" should be "who."
Mr. and/or detail-missing observer.
|by Anonymous||reply 49||03/05/2011|
I'll ask my brother-in-law.
My sister has been diagnosed with BPD and even though she's come crying to us about things her husband has done, he has all of our sympathy. She's one of those people who are incapable of being happy--yet she's always pursuing men and situations who she thinks are going to make her happy (yes, she's cheated on her husband repeatedly).
|by Anonymous||reply 50||03/05/2011|
What are the symptoms of someone with BPD?
|by Anonymous||reply 51||03/05/2011|
Fair enough, r49; now you remind me more of my ex.
|by Anonymous||reply 52||03/05/2011|
R49:%0D %0D He must have been a very good man.
|by Anonymous||reply 53||03/05/2011|
Lay off P6Esq. He's cool, and a friend of ours.
|by Anonymous||reply 54||03/05/2011|
Unfortunately he was a bastard, r53, but lovable.
|by Anonymous||reply 55||03/05/2011|
My 25 y/o nephew just started dating a woman with BPD. She announced her diagnosis to him while explaining why she is collecting disability.%0D %0D She has attempted suicide 8 times.%0D %0D She sent him threatening emails during an evening he spent with his mother, because she didn't want to be left alone.%0D %0D My nephew is getting an apartment with the girl's ex-boyfriend, with whom he works. The girlfriend will live there too.%0D %0D I see dead people.%0D %0D %0D %0D
|by Anonymous||reply 56||03/05/2011|
R55:%0D %0D Well, that's more or less what people say about me.%0D %0D Seriously, I hope we can all make peace with those who have been in our lives and with whom things are now different. That is not a skill I ever had. I would have a lot more friends now if I had that ability.%0D %0D There is not enough love in the world and wherever we can find it is good.%0D %0D Peace.%0D
|by Anonymous||reply 57||03/05/2011|
And the password is:
S K A N K
|by Anonymous||reply 58||03/05/2011|
That's half true, r17.
My mother, who was sexually abused by her father, has BPD.
It's a pretty sensible diagnosis, often taking into account how a person learns to cope in a house where he or she is having horrible things visited on them while everyone else acts like things are completely normal. Not surprisingly, many people develop similar (unhealthy) coping mechanisms.
Not only did the treatment fit my mom, but the suggested methods for me to interact with her were also helpful.
|by Anonymous||reply 59||03/05/2011|
Hugs r35 I was recently broken up with by my bf who I suspect is BPD. He said he was breaking up with me so that he didn't hurt me even more and he actually cried. This was strange coming from such an icy person. My bf wasn't a cheater because we had an open relationship, but he liked to play around with my emotions and never expressed any feelings other than anger. He said he hoped we could get back together in a few years after he had figured himself out more. Anyways I still care deeply for him and I know that underneath his cold facade he's a damaged person.
|by Anonymous||reply 60||03/05/2011|
The woman screaming in this video sounds like a borderline. That poor kid, having to deal with that 'mother'. I hope he got the hell out of there when he could.
|by Anonymous||reply 61||03/05/2011|
Oops, forgot link
|by Anonymous||reply 62||03/05/2011|
God what kind of monster would talk to their kid like that?
|by Anonymous||reply 63||03/05/2011|
A very sick person. What is disgusting is that the father tells the kid to give his mother money and essentially defends her. There are also people there who comment that it is the boy's fault that the mother acts like that.
|by Anonymous||reply 64||03/05/2011|
OK I just watched the YT video up-thread. Holy cow! Is that what BPD sounds like? I'm surprised she didn't get violent! I know teenagers can be difficult but she needs some serious help. Dang... poor guy.
|by Anonymous||reply 65||03/06/2011|
r57- that was nice, thanks. And just to be clear, the skank comment was about my ex. You seem like a cool guy. Peace
|by Anonymous||reply 66||03/06/2011|
Run away. %0D %0D Sometimes it is best to avoid people and to catch up on your reading.
|by Anonymous||reply 67||03/06/2011|
"But I love him" is the worst possible reason for staying in a bad relationship. %0D %0D Unconditional love is for children and pets. But a long-term partner or spouse has to be someone who gives back to you as much as you give to them. They should be reliable, trustworthy and caring. Otherwise they'll just suck the life out of you and leave you with nothing.
|by Anonymous||reply 68||03/06/2011|
I've been both a rescuer and a rescuee, and all I can say is, save your love for someone who can really appreciate it and reciprocate. When you're a loving person that's hard to do. You tell yourself that if you just try harder the other person will come around. But sometimes that person isn't ready, or never will be ready. It doesn't mean he or she is a piece of shit and it doesn't make you a loser for trying. You just have to be realistic about what you need and whether or not this person is capable of giving it rather than just taking it out of you, which isn't good for either of you in the long run.
|by Anonymous||reply 69||03/06/2011|
My ex has it and my live is immensely better since I left him.
|by Anonymous||reply 70||03/06/2011|
I have BPD and this thread makes me sad.
|by Anonymous||reply 71||03/06/2011|
My ex has it. Worst realtionship EVER. Run OP RUN!
|by Anonymous||reply 72||03/06/2011|
I dated a woman with undiagnosed BPD who left me for another woman with diagnosed BPD.
She cheated on me repeatedly even though she swore all she ever wanted was monogamy.
She was bulimic, and had low self esteem. She would panic if perceived to be abandoned but would abandon you in a second.
She lied about so many, many things.
We had that "porn star sex" BPD's are known for so I could never understand why she had to cheat so much.
I had a 'white knight' thing going on with me where I thought I could rescue this beautiful damsel in distress, so I put up with a lot of crap.
But my life has been SO much better since we broke up. The book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" helped explain so much to me.
|by Anonymous||reply 73||03/06/2011|
Do BPDs lie, even when the don't need to? %0D %0D Do they treat you great one week like you're the second coming of Christ, and then the next week with utter contempt?%0D %0D Do they drop you with no explanation, but then dangle a carrot so to speak to woo you back?%0D %0D Do they need to masturbate every day in order to stay focused?%0D %0D Are they control freaks?%0D %0D Thanks in advance
|by Anonymous||reply 74||03/06/2011|
Thanks for the kind words, P6Esq and R60.
R60, I am so sorry about your BF. This will be hard to hear, but he really did you a favor if he is truly borderline. I avoided relationships when I wasn't well because I knew how much damage I could cause. Untreated borderlines can create so much chaos and hurt so many people without realizing the impact. I recommend focusing on yourself and healing from the emotional fallout. If your BF goes through DBT he will come out a different, improved person. I hope he gets help; it truly changed my life. Please keep me updated about you and him. Hugs to you.
|by Anonymous||reply 75||03/07/2011|
|by Anonymous||reply 76||03/07/2011|
Another recovering borderline here. %0D %0D I didn't understand why so many seemed to hate me until, in recovery, I learned about the narcissistic defenses some borderlines employ.%0D %0D I was a total asshole until nearly 50 years of age, with co-workers and lovers. %0D %0D Wanted love, but couldn't handle my emotions, both good and bad. Classic push-pull scenario.%0D %0D In a successful long terms relationship now, but still have struggles with inappropriate anger and self-loathing.%0D %0D Wish I find all the people I hurt and apologize. %0D %0D
|by Anonymous||reply 77||03/07/2011|
I did, OP, and even eight years later, I don't like to discuss it. I'm so glad I knew enough about psychology to know what was going on when he tried to gaslight me, verbally assault me, and physically threaten me.
I got out of the relationship (in a VERY public place, where I could keep an eye on my car, and called all of my friends and family to let them know where I was and what I was doing) as soon as I could.
Good luck, OP--but please do not discount the advice some have given on this thread.
|by Anonymous||reply 78||03/07/2011|
I think my sister in law has the disorder--she shows some of the signs: the black and white thinking, extreme sensitivity, any perceived slights is the end of the world for her, she dresses provocatively and thrives on attention.
On the outside, you would think she would have it all, brains, beauty, and great home, a career (she is a doctor). She is charming and very sweet but do not get on her bad side. She often threatens my brother with divorce when he doesn't do or say what she wants. She has an insatiable need for attention and praise. She is very flirty with men. She gets in these awful, depressive episodes and she often plays the martyr.
One time, one of the cats was sick and she accused my brother of not loving the cat enough. There was nothing he could do or say to sway her opinion. He said 'That is only your perception' and man, was she pissed.
She has love/hate relationships with people. With me, it is good but I wonder sometimes. I tread very carefully around her, trying not to say the wrong thing.
|by Anonymous||reply 79||03/21/2011|
She also often projects her behavior onto to other people. Calls people names.
She sometimes appears overly-confident but she is actually very very insecure, calls herself fat and ugly.
|by Anonymous||reply 80||03/21/2011|
I have it. I am one of those screaming-people types like in the youtube video.%0D %0D Watching that- listening to it- absolutely horrifies me. I hate myself.
|by Anonymous||reply 81||03/22/2011|
Why the intense anger? I hear that bpd people are extremely sensitive and fear abandonment yet they emotionally abusive the same people they cling to.
|by Anonymous||reply 82||03/22/2011|
The absolute **worst** BPDs, NPDs, and sociopaths are the good-looking ones.
They easily draw people in because of their looks ... and havoc ensues.
|by Anonymous||reply 83||03/22/2011|
R82, we get angry when our fear of abandonment is triggered, or when we feel unheard or discounted.
|by Anonymous||reply 84||03/22/2011|
How do you know when someone has BPD and isn't just mean or emotional?
|by Anonymous||reply 85||03/22/2011|
I need help understanding a certain personality.%0D %0D What exactly is wrong with people who accuse others of doing things they're guilty of themselves?%0D %0D I was talking to a friend the other day and she was telling me about how she was helping out one of her inlaws who is sick. She then said how irritated she was with someone on her inlaw's side of the family because he only helped said relative when it was convenient for him. %0D %0D She then said, without any hint of irony, she didn't want to help out anymore because, well, she was getting tired of it and she wasn't even related to the sick person anyway. She's not working right now and doesn't have to.%0D %0D What's the diagnosis for this? She's a doormate so she's not a narcissit. Anyway, it has me puzzled.
|by Anonymous||reply 86||03/22/2011|
I think my sister in law is histrionic, actually. She always dramatizes everything and is really good at playing the victim. Any wrong word said, as inocious it sounds, she will get so upset, as if someone insulted her. She will then not speak to that person for months. She also loves being the center of attention and when she isn't, she is angry.
|by Anonymous||reply 87||03/22/2011|
I forgot to mention I am post 79 and 87. Oh, did I mention she has a group of admirers and the praise they heap on her. She posts a lot pics of herself on facebook and her accomplishments. She is not a bad person, just sick, IMO. She will never seek help since it is everyone else who is at fault. She is fine and everyone else is stupid.
|by Anonymous||reply 88||03/22/2011|
|by Anonymous||reply 89||03/23/2011|
Ask Juicy Lucy's gf.
|by Anonymous||reply 90||03/23/2011|
What r90 said.
|by Anonymous||reply 91||03/23/2011|
Which would be worse? Dating an NPD or a BPD?
|by Anonymous||reply 92||03/23/2011|
I have an ex who used to periodically cut herself, but I think it was an affectation she picked up from watching too many shows on the WB when she was too old for them. We were together for years, and she didn't do it until we separated and I moved several states away. She's not BPD even though that's a typical BPD behavior - in fact she's fairly cool, and we're still on good terms.
I've noticed there are a ton of BPD lawyers, and many of them are also alcoholics.
|by Anonymous||reply 93||03/23/2011|
I didn't date this person, but I had a close friend who displayed all the signs, prominently, and I ignored them and befriended her. It was a lonely time in my life, so I probably overlooked a lot of things.
She was angry all the time. This was compounded by alcohol. She was a big fucking drunk, the type who would drive to Costco in the middle of the day when everyone she knew was at work, buy a huge bottle of vodka, and sit home at night and drink it out of a large tumbler. She invented these stories that were bizarre twists of reality. She was attracted to conspiracy theories, including ones that included her as a victim.
One of the first substantial clues about what was really the deal with her was when she got a Rx for Xanax and instead of calming her anxiety-ridden ass down, it made her angry. And I mean seething angry. She took a dose one day and was walking down a street and I passed her while driving on the street and I could tell from there that she was about to have a temper tantrum.
She was incapable - and I mean incapable - of telling the truth about the most meaningless and/or mundane things. She would lie when the truth would work just as well as it wouldn't matter to anyone else. It wasn't just to make herself look good. I honestly think she just needed, for some reason, to feel like she'd gotten one over on whomever she happened to be lying to.
After the fact, I realized that the time that I came back from a four day business trip and my elderly cat was almost dead from what appeared to be kidney failure was the result of her not feeding or watering the cat for those days, as she promised. After the fact, I realized that the money I'd lent her was not for the purpose she'd borrowed it for. I was moving, and she was just hoping to extract some cash she wouldn't have to pay back. But of course I couldn't see any of that then. I just wanted to help.
A few years fast forward, there is no contact at all, and she put her name in to become a judge, and as part of that, had to publish a public profile with a short biography. She lied on that too.
These people never, ever change. This person was in therapy the whole time I knew her. Or maybe she wasn't.
Get away from that guy, OP. There should be an inaccessible island somewhere where these people are quarantined, and get dropped on its shores by a helicopter.
|by Anonymous||reply 94||03/23/2011|
[quote] ... a NARTH-pushing evangelical minister with no credentials other than a theology degree. He decided that gay men are essentially pedophiles...
What's that saying about glass houses?
|by Anonymous||reply 95||03/23/2011|
I'm really confused by this thread, and by my own diagnosis of BPD.
Almost all of you make it sound like like BPD = psycho/sociopathy!
But the only thing I've ever been able to understand about the diagnosis is the "unstable sense of self" and the extreme way my emotions can change for a person: I'll adore them immensely, then they say something rude and I hate their fucking guts for a while, then I (usually) get over it.
R79's description is the only one that makes any sense to me and that sounds like me.
What am I missing?
|by Anonymous||reply 96||03/23/2011|
I was never diagnosed as bpd or avoidant but man, I have a lot of the behaviors: the emptiness, the rage issues, desperately wanting social acceptance and avoiding social situations since I am afraid I will make a fool out of myself. Mix that in with depression, mood swings and anxiety. One thing though, I have compassion and it kills me when I have upset another person. The raw emotional feeling--I feel like I feel 100x more than most people, that is a bpd thing. I did use to drink like a fish and cut myself and every now and then have the urge since it relieves pain.
However, I do love to be alone.
|by Anonymous||reply 97||03/24/2011|
Ok, R97's description also fits me very well.
But how do these tendencies make me a sociopath?
|by Anonymous||reply 98||03/24/2011|
[quote]Almost all of you make it sound like like BPD = psycho/sociopathy! %0D %0D [quote]Ok, [R97]'s description also fits me very well.%0D %0D But how do these tendencies make me a sociopath?%0D %0D R96, your "unstable sense of self" is aroused.%0D %0D Calm down, darlin. %0D %0D Many of the posters in this thread have no clear idea of BPD and are throwing out bad behavior and labeling it BPD.%0D %0D
|by Anonymous||reply 99||03/24/2011|
I am #100 bitches! Everybody look at meeeeee!
|by Anonymous||reply 100||03/24/2011|
I just had a first and only date with one.
Cute blue eyed bear type and when we met over coffee and began to chat, well, HE spoke and I sat there wishing I was anywhere else, a shitload of crazy was gushing over the sidewalk and around my feet like the Japan tsunami.
I deleted him from my contacts while we sat there.
|by Anonymous||reply 101||03/24/2011|
There is some woman I know she has so many issues--an eating disorder, substance abuse problems but I don't know what her mental/emotional problems are. Every time she talks, she gets so passionate, out of breath as if it is the end of the world for her as she discusses her life. I do feel for her and her emotional pain. I think she might be bpd, I'm not sure but every little thing upsets her and she talks forever. A tsunami of crazy best describes it. I get drained by these people after a while even though I find them oddly compelling. Maybe it is because it does not make feel so fucked up in comparison. Anyway, this always seems like she needs a hug. She is just so emotionally raw all of the time.
|by Anonymous||reply 102||03/24/2011|
I meant to say 'It does not make ME not feel so fucked up in comparison'.
|by Anonymous||reply 103||03/24/2011|
Does MHB have BPD?
|by Anonymous||reply 104||03/24/2011|
I sense your concern, and your questions are important to me.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental illness.
I am dating someone like this...it isn't what I signed up for, or wanted, or knew about until the universe disclosed his hidden truth months into the relationship, and yes I feel disappointed. At the same time I also feel a depth of empathy because I realize the abnormal interpersonal relationship behaviors I am experiencing from him are symptoms of his illness. However, that comment I just made doesn't excuse any of his abuse.
I recommend that you seek a professional therapist who will work with you and may help teach you skills which may help you cope should you choose to stay with this person.
|by Anonymous||reply 105||03/25/2011|
I have a relative with BPD, and I can't even imagine anyone wanting to date her. We call her "The Attention Vacuum".
|by Anonymous||reply 106||03/25/2011|
Be prepared to be with someone who is completely ignorant to others needs and you can forget any TLC you will need when you become ill. %0D %0D Expect to be embarrassed when your partner competes for the centre of attention with family and friends. %0D %0D Don%E2%80%99t bother with any communication when they are angry and just walk away when the rage starts. You will be blamed for everything that goes wrong no matter what and the daily emotional rollercoaster is exhausting.%0D %0D Rest assured your NPD/BPD partner will rid you of any friends you have so you can be completely devoted to him/her and extremely isolated with nowhere to turn. %0D %0D If you were strong and self assured you will eventually be broken down to become submissive and lose your self esteem. %0D %0D Be prepared to run far away for your own protection if the rage develops into violence. %0D %0D Oh and if your partner hasn%E2%80%99t taken all your money you%E2%80%99ll lose the rest of it on legal fees. %0D %0D Still interested, OP? Run don%E2%80%99t walk. RUN!%0D %0D
|by Anonymous||reply 107||03/25/2011|
I was in love with a woman whose father was mentally ill and made sexual comments to her since her early childhood, although he never touched her. She was very very crazy, very self-involved, could not adjust in normal ways to accommodate me, even when we made plans or agreed on things (like showing up, getting food, getting birthday presents etc). She became a actress who primarily played people who were mentally ill and had success for some time. Now she has aged out of most roles, but owns two homes so she ended up ok. She subsequently dated casting directors, producers, inherited wealthy and lots of other power players, all of whom helped propel her, She simply could not take in the concept of reciprocity.
|by Anonymous||reply 108||03/25/2011|
What differentiates a sociopath from a BPD from a narcissist? They all seem like the same to me.
|by Anonymous||reply 109||03/25/2011|
Please forgive my ignorance, but is Borderline Personality something you are born with, as in being susceptible to it, or is triggered by life experiences?
|by Anonymous||reply 110||03/25/2011|
[quote]Anyone here have any experience with this?%0D %0D Nobody with half a brain.
|by Anonymous||reply 111||03/25/2011|
OMG I have spent over 5 years trying to understand my ex. I broke it off with him at least 7-10 times only to return because "the sex was good." So I thought anyway. I am now focusing on me. This man has tried to get me fired 3 (or is it 4?) times from my job. In the past week he has sent me 97 text messages, most saying, "Why are you ignoring me?" I now have a great understanding of his illness. I work in mental health and I was WAY off with who I thought he was. Now I am trying to run like hell and it' ain't working. Well, he hasn't caught me yet but he WON'T leave me alone. Bought a book today. Hope that will help.
|by Anonymous||reply 112||03/26/2011|
I do have an understanding that people who have BPD have deep deep fears of abandonment and are petrified of conflict. They cannot take rejection and flip out if they are ignored. Having spent those 5+ years in and out of "his" stuff, I finally realized it's not me!! The blaming, the trying to make me feel guilty, the threats to call my job, calling my job, telling me I am mean when I set boundaries, telling me I don't care about them. The continued calling, texting, emailing, despite my telling him to leave me alone. Then taking deeper measures to put things in my paperbox to no avail. Wow! I hope there are people out there who can recognize this illness and get into some serious therapy to help themselves. I'm done! I can't take it anymore!!!
|by Anonymous||reply 113||03/26/2011|
For those with experience with BPD disorder, I think I might be, does it sound like I am?... Sorry this is long.
I met this guy a year ago. We instantly connected. We were constantly around each other. Always smiling at each other. He was so sweet to me. I have never felt so strongly about a guy in my life. I looked forward to seeing him everyday. We had everything in common. It was really, really great. Well, unfortunately, I ran into some trouble with another guy who was obsessive with me. I suspected he might be attracted to me. But, I was not interested. Because of my lack of interest, he became belligerent, a homophobe, and he took pics of me on his cell phone. He got his friends on me to kick my ass. All of this was happening the same time I would see friend. But, I touged it out and never said a word because I embarrassed. Finally, I had enough and I went to the police. They stated that I should avoid them because they might jump me or smash up my car. So, I did what I was told. But, then I thought I would never see my friend again. So, I emailed him. I debated back and forth if this was a good idea or not. I knew it was stupid but I decided to do it anyways because I didn't want to lose my friend. I wanted to say the right things too. I wanted it to be perfect for him. I have never asked a guy out before so I wanted it to be good. Well, I never got a response. Which I was okay about. So, after a few weeks, I wanted to see my friend again. I wanted to talk about what I told him. So, I went back despite possibly getting jumped, which I didn't care if I did. And, well, I saw him and he was not happy.his whole body language was tense. I didn't get a chance to talk to him. It was not the right time and people were around. But, I finally got a chance to. I told him that I was sorry for emailing him. It was dumb and not flattering, and if I made him uncomfortable I was so sorry for that. And, then I told him why I did ... because of those guys. And, he told me that he had no idea what I was talking about.Then he said he hardly knew me, but he knew I was gay. He then told me he was straight. That was shocking to me. I didn't know what to say after that because I know he has been with guys. The conversation quickly plummetted and I didn't know what to say accept he looked good in a particular shirt which he wore non-stop after. It was just lie after lie. It was odd. Since then, I have been severely depressed. I have felt like I was a nothing for months. But, I still like him so much. I don't understand why. I hate myself for that. Mostly because I can't move on and also because he has become a homophobe. I feel like asshole. But, I still like him. I think he's struggling or something. He's closeted, which I figured. We are facebook friends and I sent him a private message to spare him any questioning from others, that he looked great in a photo. He looked amazing and that i just wanted to tell him. It was a compliment. He blocked me.
So, I realize I'm an asshole. I feel like I am. I don't know why I liked him so much and I still like him. That's a problem. So, does it sound like I am Borderline? Am I a sociopath? A stalker? A terrible person? Spineless? I think there is something wrong with me. I am going to get therapy. But, I would like opinions.
|by Anonymous||reply 114||05/03/2011|
I apologize a lot and when I did some research this was a symptom. I'm not angry though. I do get emotional, but during curcumstances, I guess. He was always very moody. Nice one day, mean the next. He toyed with my emotions a lot. I feel very manipulated. Very controlled. Like, I'm under a spell or something.
|by Anonymous||reply 115||05/03/2011|
|by Anonymous||reply 116||05/27/2011|
r85 - Exactly! Not everyone who behaves badly has a personality disorder.
r79 - [quote]One time, one of the cats was sick and she accused my brother of not loving the cat enough. There was nothing he could do or say to sway her opinion.
I'm sorry, but that cracked me up.
|by Anonymous||reply 117||05/27/2011|
borderlines react in black and white. they are bad news. get em out of your lifew.
|by Anonymous||reply 118||05/28/2011|
I though all dating situations which are ending were about Borderline Personality Disorder.
|by Anonymous||reply 119||05/28/2011|
R108, was your friend Jessica Lange? %0D %0D DO TELL! It's the internet. Come on, please.
|by Anonymous||reply 120||05/29/2011|
Thank you for that video link. I was worried I might have this, but I have never screamed liked that in my life. I know she's sick, but what a crazy fucking bitch! I'll stick with my boring old clinical depression, thankyouverymuch.
|by Anonymous||reply 121||05/29/2011|
Familiarize yourself with this OP.
You're gonna need it.
|by Anonymous||reply 122||05/29/2011|
I felt several people who dumped me actually suffered from BPD.
|by Anonymous||reply 123||06/04/2011|
I wonder how these bpd/hpd/npd people can be successful? Could it be because they are so good at lying? One would think that some misshap at work would set them off to do something crazy and hurtful. Well, it seems a lot of these people are corporate CEO's. The one I know is actually a doctor.
|by Anonymous||reply 124||06/22/2011|
Thank you so much for that link, R122.
It is very helpful to me -- answers questions I couldn't even pose about a disastrous relationship I had some years ago.
Thanks again ... so helpful.
|by Anonymous||reply 125||06/22/2011|
there is nothing wrong with dating someone with BPD. i have it and have been in 5 year relationship so it can work out there are just bumps in the road what relationship doesnt have bumps
|by Anonymous||reply 126||03/03/2013|
I just don't think I can do it anymore. He's got me thinking I'M the one who causes all the problems. R68 provided some food for thought.
|by Anonymous||reply 127||03/11/2013|
[quote]Is this even possible?
Of course it's possible. One can even date a multiple personality schizophrenic. But one is well advised to do so on different nights.
|by Anonymous||reply 128||03/11/2013|
Excellent thread, excellent advice all around. And RUN. Make sure you leave nothing behind and are not traceable. This is a DELETE EVERYTHING THIS PART OF MY LIFE IS OVER kind of thing. Never ever give any inkling as to some kind of a relationship might be possible afterwards.
If it's still too early and you haven't put up with enough sh-t to make it worth it to break up, don't worry, sh-t will come in plenty.
When you do cut off, do it well and don't do it alone, if you still have any friends. You will need support.
|by Anonymous||reply 129||03/11/2013|
That's just it, I don't have any friends left, I'm sure they're tired of the constant bickering between us. Believe me, I'm tired of it too, I just don't know whether I have the strength to leave him yet.
|by Anonymous||reply 130||03/11/2013|
Ignore all of these other answers. This scenario worked out just fine for me and will for you as well as long as you don't have a herd mentality.
|by Anonymous||reply 131||03/11/2013|
I read the thread but no one has been able to establish a definition BPD. Maybe you're just not compatible?
|by Anonymous||reply 132||03/11/2013|
Why didn't I listen to you, DL? WHY? You're always right, I should have known better. Fucking fuck.
|by Anonymous||reply 133||04/08/2013|
I'm trying to leave someone who has BPD. It's a mental fuck everyday and I can't handle all the explosive moods and control. Sadly, I don't think it's possible to continue to have any kind of relationship with a BPD, even a friendship is too challenging. Does anyone have any stories of how the coped after leaving their BPD partner?
|by Anonymous||reply 134||02/25/2014|
Yes it is possible OP, but very difficult. Hello?
|by Anonymous||reply 135||02/25/2014|
R135 can you please tell us more about your experience being with someone who has BPD. Thanks
|by Anonymous||reply 136||02/25/2014|
My current partner has rage issues and self-loathing. Screams at me that I don't love him while I sit there frozen in fear..
He is an alcoholic and gambling addict. He stopped drinking so he is more of a dry drunk. Living w/him is like living on egg shells..
I am also thinking of leaving him.
|by Anonymous||reply 137||02/25/2014|
A dear friend of mine has BPD and he is almost impossible to deal with on a day to day basis, he now lives on the other side of the world where he has been hospitalised several times for having extreme rages and also for hurting himself. He is a wonderful person and I love him, but he is also extremely manipulative and a compulsive liar. He sleeps around looking for the validation missing from his childhood. He has a hair-trigger level of sensitivity. He only manages to function if he is not working as he cannot cope with 'normal' life and has quit every job he's ever had. He did not manage to cope with university. He also has an undiagnosed eating disorder (binge/purge).
I wish you the best of luck if it's truly what you want to but without a lot of therapy and the help of certain medications I fear you will spend your time as a carer rather than a partner.
|by Anonymous||reply 138||02/25/2014|
I have become my partner's care-taker and I have to agree that there is no partnership in a relationship with someone who has BPD. Even if I have gotten used to his rages and anger outbursts, it doesn't mean I am happy. I am merely dissociating now when it happens as a coping mechanism. The best thing to do is to leave, no matter how much you love the person. They will suck any energy out of you.
|by Anonymous||reply 139||02/25/2014|
I had one episode of borderline personality disorder
|by Anonymous||reply 140||02/25/2014|
Why 136? Read about it and do your best. It's not funny, it is a mental illness and therefore very hard to have a relationship for any length of time with a person with BPD.
I think these threads are about drama and making out some people to be less than- give others a forum to let out their victimization. Just be grateful if you do not have BPD- life is not fun for them.
Relationship? It's difficult- so is rolling a one ton steal ball up an incline.
|by Anonymous||reply 141||02/25/2014|
I just ended a friendship of 20 yrs with a diagnosed B.P_D.
She was hospitalized multiple times for self injury. Thru the years we have been on and off many times.
The final straw was when she asked me if I wnted to sell one of my houses...it needs major work and she knows how much it has disturbed me that I haven't been able to get it done.
She told me her husband was looking to buy a house and flip it. Yes, he is in construction,but works for someone who doesnt do home renovations.
So instead of him helping me...win ...win...I get the work done he makes $$$...she wanted to have him buy my home at a distressed price and he makes the profit.
So now she keeps calling me...at work ...at home...cell phone...I am not responding o any of her attempts.
She always prides herself on being such a great business woman...so when she saw dollar signs for me instead of a friend ,,.....I just gave up.
She has lost virtually all her friends thru the years for an assortment of issues.
Oh, and her son tells her he wants to kill her....she was always screaming at him.....
|by Anonymous||reply 142||02/25/2014|
[quote] Is this even possible?
No. It's completely impossible and has never happened.
|by Anonymous||reply 143||02/25/2014|
[quote]Why didn't I listen to you, DL? WHY? You're always right, I should have known better. Fucking fuck.
Those of you stupid and/or masochistic enough to be in a relationship with a BPD/NPD/HPD person - read that quote. That's you, sooner or later.
We're telling you NOW so we don't have to tell you THEN. (Michfest should be NPD-BPD-HPD-fest.)
|by Anonymous||reply 144||02/25/2014|
I got involved with a man that has BPD. He lied, very pretty lies, and because I really liked him, I wanted to believe him. He did everything under the sun -- romantic letters, daily phone calls, keeping his word about everything, and sent me a morning and good night text every single day. When I fell in love with him, he told me he no longer loved me enough to continue. Yes, that's right, can you believe it. It was heartbreaking and horrible. He also became verbally and emotionally abusive. He would say things very casually, but they were meant to hurt me to the core. He is an Evil Son of a Bitch. Sorry, but if you go through the cycle with this BPD Casanova type like I did, it will make you miserable, and you will have a tough time getting over it. Much tougher than you think. They draw you in, and as soon as you love them, they are gone, and they have four or five women lined up to take your place before their bed gets cold. These guys are PREDATORS! You are getting good advice and a warning from people that know these guys. So, continue at your own peril.
|by Anonymous||reply 145||09/21/2014|
|by Anonymous||reply 146||09/21/2014|
Five years ago I hired a woman who turned out to have BPD. The classic borderline behaviors became apparent within days. Within three months she formally accused me of bullying and stalking her. This led to an internal investigation, mandatory counseling, mediation, and eventually to the court system. The mediators, counselors, our employer, and the courts all found there was nothing to the accusations, but our employer eventually settled with her just to get rid of the case. It was an exhausting and humiliating experience. The woman had a nervous breakdown and ended up on disability because her stress levels led to severe digestion problems. As far as I'm concerned she can't suffer enough.
|by Anonymous||reply 147||09/21/2014|