Serving up this steaming pile of
Celebrity Gossip
Gay Politics
Gay News
and Pointless Bitchery
Since 1995

Have you ever watched someone die?

I did. There was like something leaving. Freaked me out.

by Anonymousreply 29205/09/2014

Watched my mother pass away. At the moment of her death the colour visibly drained out of her face like someone turning a colour photograph into B&W.

by Anonymousreply 102/10/2011

No, but several co-workers did during a meeting. I told them I was glad I wasn't there because I'd never be the same afterward.

by Anonymousreply 302/10/2011

I've seen both my parents leave and three grandparents. It is something to see. They were all in the hospital when the died except for Grandma. All bedridden with strokes, heart attacks old age. %0D %0D But when the final "breathing began, and then slowwed and finally stopped there was such an amazing change. Once life had stopped, I could see that they were gone. This body in the bed, wasn't them.

by Anonymousreply 602/10/2011

My cat died in my arms on the way to the Pet ER on Christmas Eve.

by Anonymousreply 802/10/2011

R8%0D %0D Oh gurl, what did you do to it?

by Anonymousreply 1002/10/2011

I watched my great-grandmother die. After 97 years of hard, glamorous living, she spent the last month of her otherwise healthy life in a hospital battling first a respiratory infection and then a staff infection. It was a terrible way to go, especially for a woman who had always been vivacious and lively. The whole family gathered around on the afternoon that the decision was made to turn off the machines. I kept waiting for something dramatic to happen-- to feel that feeling that the OP claimed... but there was nothing. It took almost an hour. Her breathing slowed, her heart rate slowed; and eventually they stopped. That was all. It was very unremarkable. The only thing that left in those final moments was the pain and suffering that she had been going through. And the humiliation she expressed over the fact that the one aspect of her life that she couldn't control was how it ended. When the waiting was over, I felt a guilty sense of relief on her behalf, but there was nothing ethereal about the process.

by Anonymousreply 1102/10/2011

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

by Anonymousreply 1202/10/2011

"...battling first a respiratory infection and then a staff infection."%0D %0D Darling, I've had many a staff infection and believe me, I know your pain! You simply have to fire the first one before they ALL become infected. %0D

by Anonymousreply 1402/10/2011

I watched my career die when I farted during a presentation.

by Anonymousreply 1502/10/2011

A few times, relatives who were terminally ill. I didn't notice anything that seemed like something "left" their body. Pallor changed as their blood stopped pumping and pooled. They both had short seizures as their breathing and heart stopped. It wasn't pleasant. I don't know why some people claim it's peaceful and there is relief, but I assume everyone dies differently.

R13, I think you did the right thing. I had nightmares about my dad for 4-5 years almost every night; they were only driven away when they were replaced with nightmares about my mom's illness and death. But some people are strangely unaffected by it, they take it as just part of life, and they can handle it. I couldn't handle it and I knew that, but the alternative was leaving them completely alone as they died, and that's no alternative.

by Anonymousreply 1602/10/2011

Staff infections can potentially become pandemics. The CDC should have been called.

by Anonymousreply 1702/10/2011

I know I saw a filmy image leave. I'm sure it was the soul.

by Anonymousreply 1802/10/2011

I work in health care.

by Anonymousreply 1902/10/2011

I saw my grandmother a few minutes after she died. It's very odd to see the body of someone you knew. No one would mistake it for a living person.

When we put my dog down last year, he truly did just go to sleep. I was sobbing uncontrollably, but there wasn't the same change in what he looked like. Fur hides a lot.

by Anonymousreply 2002/10/2011

Yep. I will never forget the sound of "death rattle" breath.

by Anonymousreply 2102/10/2011

Yes, my mother. I recall her looking younger and her face smoother the closer she got to the end and I want so badly to hope that it means the pain was leaving.

by Anonymousreply 2202/10/2011

I saw George Burns die in Altoona.

by Anonymousreply 2302/10/2011

Yes, my father. This happened last August and he died in October. He was my best friend and biggest champion.

Watching someone who's your favorite person in the world die is indescribably awful--there are no words in anyone's lexicon to describe it. I had to go into grief counseling soon after his death because I knew if I didn't, I'd be a basketcase. Fortunately, it did help but I miss him and think about him every day.

I did hold his hand and told him how much I had loved him. At that point, his eyes were unfocused, his mind was an incoherent confused jumble and he was making no sense. He went to different periods in his life, began speaking his native tongue (he wasn't American-born but spoke perfect unaccented English). He also didn't know who I was at one point.

by Anonymousreply 2402/10/2011

[quote]Fur hides a lot. I heart you

by Anonymousreply 2502/10/2011

R24, how did he champion you?

by Anonymousreply 2602/10/2011

Does Glenn's career count?

by Anonymousreply 2802/10/2011

The "death rattle" is hard to distinguish from the weird breathing that an unconscious person makes in the ordinary course of dying.

My mother was fighting off giant mosquitoes in the early stages. I've heard this isn't uncommon, friends have told me of their loved ones' passings, and fighting off bees, or spiders, or other insects.

Later on, as acceptance takes hold, maybe, there are more pleasant experiences.

My grandmother thought she was hosting a dinner party or something, in the days before she died, she couldn't see or hear us, but she kept calling out to dead relatives and smiling and gesturing them to her.

by Anonymousreply 2902/10/2011

Oh yeah, but I'm a nurse and I work in a hospital. The first time I saw someone die, I was just out of nursing school and it was 3AM. All the relatives ran out of the room saying they couldn't deal with it, so I stayed. %0D %0D I'll let you know if I ever see a thestral.

by Anonymousreply 3002/10/2011

Back in my volunteer days I helped at a hospice for AIDS patients. As I leaned partially over a sleeping young man one day while pulling his blanket up to better cover his upper body, he suddenly sat upright, threw his arms around me, and let out a heavy, deep sigh. Even before I laid him back down, I knew he was gone. I could just feel the life leave him as he exhaled. It was a very strange feeling.

by Anonymousreply 3102/10/2011

The OP of this thread:

by Anonymousreply 3202/10/2011

So sorry r-24. I watched my beloved grandmother die. She'd had cancer for years but actually managed to live healthfully and independently until entering hospice one week before dying. In fact, she entered on her bday and we had a big family celebration the day after she arrived, with cake and food.

Throughout the week, we dropped by for visits but was told she was stable--she was up and coherent. In fact we believed she was stable until a call came from hospice--come right now. I went with my sister and partner (parents lived 60 miles away, had returned home, and could not arrive in time).

Got there in time to hold her hand throughout her final hour of life and give her water. I like to think she knew she wasn't alone.

by Anonymousreply 3402/11/2011

I think the OP is The Resident DataLounge Serial Killer who has been noticeably absent as of late but always posts creepy ass threads like this.

by Anonymousreply 3502/11/2011

What a strange thing to say, R32

by Anonymousreply 3602/11/2011

No one just died in front of me.

by Anonymousreply 3702/11/2011

R33, I can say that the living body of an unconscious person is easy to differentiate from a corpse.

by Anonymousreply 3802/11/2011

I work in a Hospice. Every person certainly has their own unique death. Physical pain can be controlled-- it's the psycho-social aspect that's hardest to deal with. You'd hope that families could put aside their differences at such a time, but unfortunately that's not always the case. After all, it's about the dying person, right? I've seen some incredibly hateful and selfish behavior, including a pair of sisters getting in a fistfight in their dying mother's room.

Many people die calmly, and with their dignity intact. Scared anxious patients who feel either great guilt or anger don't have pleasant deaths.

by Anonymousreply 3902/11/2011

Yes OP and I too felt something left. It was when we put our childhood dog to sleep.

by Anonymousreply 4002/11/2011

R34, not to be dismiss what tends to be sacred, but once a person dies the person has absolutely no consciousness or recollection that anyone was with them when they died, so I wonder if it really matters to the person dying.%0D %0D It would seem not to matter to the dying since very shortly later they die and any knowledge of people being with them at death is gone forever.%0D %0D So really it only matters to the relatives or friends left behind who are still living.%0D %0D Even if a dying person was fleetingly happy that people were there at the dying point, that tiny bit of happiness doesn't matter because it is erased forever and is non-existent in the vast eternal nothingness which is death.

by Anonymousreply 4102/11/2011

Did this cat die?

by Anonymousreply 4202/11/2011

" I can say that the living body of an unconscious person is easy to differentiate from a corpse."%0D %0D True, but I think most of the difference is the complete relaxation of muscles, including the involuntary muscles that do things like breathe. When a human (or other mammal) dies the lungs fully deflate, the face sort of sags with gravity, etc. %0D %0D I've never seen anything like a soul or anything else that could be called supernatural, but then I've only seen very old people go when they were expected to go.

by Anonymousreply 4302/11/2011

Beatles! STOP!!!

by Anonymousreply 4402/11/2011

Can you imagine having a Datalounger hovering over you as you die!? Oh dear!

by Anonymousreply 4502/11/2011

Well, R43, if there were a soul to be seen or noticed, it would not matter how old the dying person happens to be, since if the soul exists, a soul would be possessed by a 10 year old and an 80 year old.

by Anonymousreply 4602/11/2011

When a person dies alone, any recollection or consciousness that they died alone immediately evaporates and disappears upon death.%0D %0D So really surrounding a person on the person's death bed is just to prove to others in society that the person didn't 'have to die alone' because family members surrounded them - it's part of a show that is put on.%0D %0D And the being with the one who is dying is really for the benefit of the people left behind.

by Anonymousreply 4702/11/2011

Did I miss something? What's a thestral?

by Anonymousreply 4802/11/2011

[quote] Even if a dying person was fleetingly happy that people were there at the dying point, that tiny bit of happiness doesn't matter because it is erased forever and is non-existent in the vast eternal nothingness which is death.

That's beautiful, r41.

by Anonymousreply 4902/11/2011

[quote]When a person dies alone, any recollection or consciousness that they died alone immediately evaporates and disappears upon death.

And who are you, Dead McDeaderson?

by Anonymousreply 5002/11/2011

R48, it's fancy-speak for "ghost"

by Anonymousreply 5102/11/2011

I would rather be eternal Life McLiferson.

by Anonymousreply 5202/11/2011

Isn't this 'thing' that leaves the body upon death which some of speak of just the stopping of the blood flow thru the body, the deflation of the lungs, and the lack of breath?

by Anonymousreply 5302/11/2011

I am so tired of watching people die. I wonder if I might be the Angel of Death (MARY!...get it over with). I am The Family Member That Does That Sort Of Thing. The rest are pretty much feral assholes who just wait for a check.

by Anonymousreply 5402/11/2011

which some of you speak of

by Anonymousreply 5502/11/2011

[quote]I would rather be eternal Life McLiferson.

You better stop going to sites like Datalounge, then.

by Anonymousreply 5602/11/2011

r52 has zeroed in on the reason religion exists. The prospect of life after death is just so compelling to so many. They would rather hope for the best. No matter that it's pie in the sky. They choose to believe those lies because it's comforting.

by Anonymousreply 5702/11/2011

r41 brings spot remover to parties.

by Anonymousreply 5802/11/2011

You don't need Jesus or any other magical sky faerie to believe in eternal life.

by Anonymousreply 5902/11/2011

There are people living now who may never die.


The singularity, the point at which computation acquires all available knowledge at an exponential rate, is near.

by Anonymousreply 6002/11/2011

r59 You make a distinction without a difference.

by Anonymousreply 6102/11/2011

R59, if you do not base a belief in eternal life on the existence of God, then on what do you base a belief in eternal life?

by Anonymousreply 6202/11/2011

R61, the difference is substantial; you're simply to dull to comprehend it.

by Anonymousreply 6302/11/2011

R62, who did the Buddha worship?

by Anonymousreply 6402/11/2011

Yes, OP, I had this experience of something having left the body with both my parents. Its strange and touching at the same time. It convinced me of life after death.

by Anonymousreply 6502/11/2011

R65, what about it convinced you of life after death?

by Anonymousreply 6602/11/2011

I know there's no God, but I'm scared about Macy dying. Her hip doesn't look right.

by Anonymousreply 6702/11/2011

I've heard that Dead McDeaderson is always brought back to life by alley cats.

by Anonymousreply 6802/11/2011

if by 'life after death' you mean heaven and hell, not so sure I buy it. But if you mean reincarnation...that kinda makes sense to me.

by Anonymousreply 6902/11/2011


Good luck with that.

by Anonymousreply 7002/11/2011

[quote] you're simply to dull to comprehend it.

The irony makes me love DL.

by Anonymousreply 7102/11/2011

[quote]The irony makes me love DL.%0D %0D You need a dictionary.

by Anonymousreply 7202/11/2011

R60 tell me more. I'm feeling your vibe

by Anonymousreply 7302/11/2011

[quote]I'm feeling your vibe

Hallucinogenic BO?

by Anonymousreply 7402/11/2011

r 66, because the absence of the feeling of them not being there in the body, made me feel that something does inhabit the body like a soul. It made me believe that a body is enlivened with a life ( which I guess is stating the obvious ) except that their spirit or soul for want of a better term was really them and it was beyond death. It's hard to explain, except only their bodies seemed to die, but they didn't. It was a very strong feeling and it's stayed with me. r69, I am not religious and I don't believe in hell, that's for sure. Not sure on heaven, I think you make that for yourself here. On re-incarnation I have an open mind, maybe or maybe not.

by Anonymousreply 7502/11/2011

Jesus, r72. It's ironic that r63 called me [italic] to [/italic] dull to comprehend. To dull. When r63 is the too dull one. And so are you, apparently.

by Anonymousreply 7602/11/2011

[quote]It's ironic that [R63] called me to dull to comprehend.

Well you've certainly proved him wrong with your multi-post objections to being called "to dull." A fascinating, substantive obsession if ever there was one. How wrong his is, indeed!

by Anonymousreply 7802/11/2011

r77, don't call me a dullard in the same sentence where you refer to me with a term of endearment.

by Anonymousreply 7902/11/2011

Tarquin, you're dull as a doorknob, dear.

by Anonymousreply 8002/11/2011

I always get to good threads too late - after they've derailed. I'll save my story for a future thread.

by Anonymousreply 8102/11/2011

I just watched this thread die.

by Anonymousreply 8202/11/2011

R82, did you note any signs of a threstral?

by Anonymousreply 8302/11/2011

Yes, R83. This particular threstral was wearing a smock and looked like it had just smelled one of these:

by Anonymousreply 8402/11/2011

I was sitting at my grandma's bedside when she died.%0D %0D I was holding her hand, and watching her face and chest to see if she was still breathing.%0D %0D Near the end, it became harder to tell, because her pulse got weaker and weaker.%0D %0D Her hand started getting cooler, until it turned cold, and that's when I was certain that she had died.%0D %0D What I found remarkable was how our lifeblood pumping through our bodies keeps us so warm, and when we die, we turn ice cold.%0D %0D After that, she began getting stiffer, and that's when I let go of her hand.%0D %0D It was an "interesting" experience (to say the least), but at least she died peacefully in her own bed, surrounded by family that loved her.

by Anonymousreply 8502/11/2011

R85, my condolences. I haven't experienced it myself, but it's the coldness that struck people I've known who have related similar scenarios.

We don't generally think of our questing selves and beating hearts as heat sources that can become extinguished like a candle flame.

by Anonymousreply 8602/11/2011

You all need to get back to iVillage.

by Anonymousreply 8702/11/2011

If you don't believe in life after death (or do), fine, but I don't see the reasoning behind saying the last part of your life when you're ALIVE doesn't matter, because you're going to be dead, soon. By that reasoning, NOTHING that happened before death matters since you'll die, eventually. That's just silly. Some people aren't "other" or "atheists" (or whatever) they're religion is anti-theism. Ironically, like a bible-thumper they think Christians, Muslims, etc have the market cornered on certain beliefs/perspectives and *they* can't think or navigate outside of that paradigm anymore than a "believer" can. It's not freethinking or reality based, it's a religion of non-religion. Just as bad as purported "science-based" people who bash religious people (like they bash us), but when science doesn't say what they want it to, they say they *believe* it in their hearts to be true (even if it requires fudging the findings).

Yes, I'm an insomniac, and this is my pondering/rambling.

by Anonymousreply 8802/11/2011

Time magazine last week said that immortality could be just 35 years away. So that'll kill threads like this. Providing that some of you nannas can hold on that long.

by Anonymousreply 8902/11/2011

R43, go back to nursing school hon. The lungs inflate when you die, not deflate, unless they're punctured.%0D %0D The diaphragm relaxes, and the air in the room is at a higher pressure than the inside of the lungs, so they fill up.%0D %0D Took a gazillion post-mortem chest x-rays. All the lungs were inflated.

by Anonymousreply 9002/11/2011

[quote]I can say that the living body of an unconscious person is easy to differentiate from a corpse.

Well, obviously you haven't seen "Weekend At Bernie's".

by Anonymousreply 9102/11/2011

OP here. Thanks for the comments (except R2).%0D %0D We had been taking care of him at home for about 2 months. He had terminal cancer.%0D %0D It was a Sunday morning. I was in the backyard watering the plants. My brother saw it happening. He called me to come in.%0D %0D It was so obvious what was happening, yet nothing was happening. I held his hand and he was looking at me. When he was gone it was so obvious that something left his eyes. It was very peaceful, touching but it haunts me.

by Anonymousreply 9202/11/2011

I was there when my partner died of cancer. At the moment of death, he took about 6 gasping breaths, like a fish out of water gasping desperately for air. I can barely think about it.

by Anonymousreply 9302/11/2011

R88, the reason the last moments or last hour of your life does not really matter in terms of dying alone or not dying alone is because your last moments have no future -%0D %0D while all of your life before you are on your death bead has a FUTURE -%0D %0D so that is the difference you mention - %0D %0D one has a future, and one does not.

by Anonymousreply 9402/11/2011

%0D I was with my dad. He had lung cancer. He was home with hospice. No gasping or anything like that, the breaths seemed to just come further apart until the next one didn't come.%0D %0D I also think my sister may have OD'd him on the morphine (with the doctor's tacit approval) we had been provided. A few hours before he died he had been thrashing a bit and my sister called the doctor who authorized upping his morphine. I am totally ok with it but I think it haunts her.

by Anonymousreply 9502/11/2011

I've seen two. A long time partner and my Grandmother. It's a really strange thing. When people describe it in glowing terms about "being there" it makes me nauseous. It was wretched. And I hold a strange belief about witnessing the death of a loved one. You will not dream about them.

I have very vivd dreams that are almost like reunions. I have not once dreamed about my past partner or my Grandmother. They are completely absent from all my dreams.

by Anonymousreply 9602/11/2011

R47, makes some decent points. I just wish it didn't sound so cynical.

I was with both my parents when they passed away and consider it one of the biggest blessings of my life. I know they were at peace and surrounded with the best possible energy. It erased questions I am sure would have lingered for the rest of my life had I not been there.

I was very aware of the fact that I didn't want to have regrets about their deaths. They got me here and I did everything within my power to help them when they were leaving.

They passed in very similar ways ... very quiet, no drama, just what I would call an acceptance of what was happening and peace.

Again, I am very thankful.

My Mother passed away at a Hospice Center. I would encourage anyone to go there during the difficult time that a family member is dying.

by Anonymousreply 9702/11/2011

I am R47 and R94 - why does it sound cynical, R97?%0D %0D You say I make decent points.%0D %0D What were the erased questions that you would have had had you not been present at your parents' deaths?%0D %0D Your presence at their deaths was really for yourself and marginally to put on a show so it didn't look to others in society or at the hospice like no one cared - because one second after each parent died, they had absolutely no recollection and no consciousness of their last hours or minutes on earth, as all consciousness was erased forever one second after they died and when they fell into the eternal nothingness of death. %0D %0D So your presence was actually meaningless to your parents as they immediately forgot you were even there, and since any memories of your presence do not exist.

by Anonymousreply 9802/11/2011

[quote] immortality could be just 35 years away

Still, the wear-and-tear over time would take a toll. Didn't you see [italic] Death Becomes Her [/italic] with Meryl Streep, Bruce Willis, Goldie Hawn, and Isabella Rossellini? There are practical downsides to immortality.

by Anonymousreply 9902/11/2011

R47 this is R97 ... I don't disagree some of it was about me knowing what happened but it wasn't a show. That's what I think sounds cynical.

My Mom used to obsess over people that had died along ... right or wrong, that's what she did and felt. I know in my heart that my mother would have wanted to have someone with her. That was done for her and per my understanding of her wishes. It wasn't for the Hospice nurse. It wasn't to talk about at the funeral. Ultimately, even though I stand by the fact that I got something out of being there ... it most mattered because it honored who my Mom was and how she felt before she was sick. Years of memories and discussion go into how I feel and that it didn't get remembered by her really isn't part of it for me.

by Anonymousreply 10002/11/2011

along = alone

by Anonymousreply 10102/11/2011

I watched both my parents die (about eight years apart.) My brother and I sat with them and held their hands. Both of them made that "death rattle" breathing sound. It's horrible. Worst sound ever.

My mom was essentially comatose at the end, but my father's experience was interesting. He was staring off into space, and reaching out his hand for... something. For a good twenty or thirty minutes, he just stared and reached. He didn't respond to us talking to him, and I really feel that he just wasn't "there" anymore. It was very affecting. I am a bit haunted by that experience.

by Anonymousreply 10202/11/2011

My morbid friend made his career in hospices. He had so many stories I tired of his company.

by Anonymousreply 10302/11/2011

There is only one way to come into the world but a million ways to leave it.%0D

by Anonymousreply 10402/11/2011

R103, did any of the stories involve watching a soul leave a body? %0D %0D (if you happen to remember...)%0D %0D I'm fascinated by anyone documenting that they saw a soul leave a body.%0D %0D And I'm fascinated by R102 saying his father 'was not there'.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 10502/11/2011

What is the 'death rattle' exactly?%0D %0D What is it and what does it sound like?%0D %0D Also, so many people are being pumped with so much morphine that I would think they do not know all that is going on and their consciousness is probably minimal.

by Anonymousreply 10602/11/2011

R102, are you saying your father was probably reaching out to God or heaven?

by Anonymousreply 10702/11/2011

R106, I'm not sure what causes it, but - to me - the "death rattle" sounds like the worst kind of bronchitis or chest congestion. It's hard to describe, but it's distinctive. Both of my parents died of cancer, but not lung or respiratory cancer, so I'm not certain why they made that sound or if all dying people make it.

What interesting is that my dad was on lots of pain meds, and much of the time did not have full consciousness, but whatever he was reaching for at the end was a stronger pull than anything else in that room.

I don't know how to describe it effectively, R107. I don't know if there is a heaven.

by Anonymousreply 10802/11/2011

Marys. Losing consciousness is not unlike falling asleep. Stop projecting your fantasies.

by Anonymousreply 10902/11/2011

I was in the room with my bf and his family when his father died. There was no death rattle, but I knew instantly he had died, it was as if something had escaped from his body and only the shell was left behind. I don't know if that was a "soul" or some other kind of life force leaving, but it was very mysterious and moving, and I think about it a lot.

by Anonymousreply 11002/11/2011

Uh, no, Tarquin... If science ever does allow immortality, it will likely involve nanotechnology. The body will have none of this 'wear-and-tear', since it will be constantly monitored and repaired.

by Anonymousreply 11102/11/2011

Well, anonymous poster at r111, I'm sure you know better what's to come.

by Anonymousreply 11302/11/2011

The exact same could be said for you, Tarquin. At least my statement has a scientific foundation... Yours has a very nice humanities-oriented 'let's never challenge death!' sheen, though.

by Anonymousreply 11402/11/2011

One might argue that yours has a science fiction foundation, but I hope you're right and you get your 50k nanobots.

by Anonymousreply 11502/11/2011

A lot of science fictional technologies eventually come true, buddy... I hope we all get our 50K nanobots, even you.

by Anonymousreply 11602/11/2011

The idea kind of makes my flesh crawl, but they'll no doubt have a medication for that....

by Anonymousreply 11702/11/2011

[quote]You make a distinction without a difference.%0D %0D %0D Could someone smart explain this to me?

by Anonymousreply 11802/11/2011

R110, could you explain more. I am trying to better understand what you experienced.

by Anonymousreply 11902/11/2011

My mom and a beloved aunt, both from advanced dementias. Mom's was difficult and sad, aunt Betty's was unnerving.

Aunt B had been essentially comatose during a rapid decline of a couple days, eyes closed throughout. I left the room for a couple minutes after keeping vigil for those days, alone, and returned to find things unchanged and unremarkable.

I closed my eyes for a minute, opened them, and my eyes met Betty's. She was staring intently at me. She was quite dead.

by Anonymousreply 12002/11/2011

r18, I can tell you what I meant: The poster I was commenting about said

[quote] You don't need Jesus or any other magical sky faerie to believe in eternal life.

He was making a distinction between organized religion and his belief in eternal life, or, life-after-death, apart from religions. He can split that hair, but it remains that his belief in eternal life is still just that. A belief not based on evidence or scientific theory. So my comment was that it was really no different.

Your life, your consciousness, your personality, your identity, your thoughts and memories are all part of the complex workings of your brain, electrochemical interactions of brain cells and their synapses. When you're dead, of course, these processes cannot continue, and you cease to exist. Just like you did not exist before you were born.

Not to take anything away from the dignity and preciousness of life. And the value of ones relationships in life. In a sense, you'll live on in the memories of you by your survivors and your contributions to society. Life is short. Make the best of it, because we only get one shot at it.

by Anonymousreply 12102/11/2011

R121, most people are quickly forgotten.%0D %0D And most people are quite average and do not make much of a contribution to society, if any at all.

by Anonymousreply 12202/11/2011

I agree, r122. Just the people who knew you when you were alive will remember you, for better or worse. Then, when they're gone you won't be remembered at all, probably. But don't be depressed. Enjoy your life while you have it. Life is a pretty remarkable thing, really. And you won't really mind after you're gone anyway.

by Anonymousreply 12302/11/2011

I've noticed that even people closed to you often forget you pretty quickly and rarely think about you, and often put you out of their mind.%0D %0D For example, married men who lose a wife, often find a new wife fairly quickly and are quite happy in life.%0D %0D No need to argue that the widowers above haven't really forgotten the wife who died - they are usually so deeply involved with the new wife that the dead wife rarely enters their mind.

by Anonymousreply 12402/11/2011

r11, I read your story with interest, since my own grandmother died at 97 after spending a long, happy, healthy life (aside from contracting TB in the 40s.)

It seems to me that if there's such a thing as winning at life, living a life that's 97 years long and then dying after being acutely ill for a month is kind of it. I wish my grandmother had lived to be 100, but how many farm girls born in the first decade of the 20th century ever expected to live into the 21st? Plus having a good time of it for most of a century (mine wasn't glamorous, but she was pretty damn cheery.)

by Anonymousreply 12502/11/2011

Those men are some serious cunts, R124. I can't imagine that there aren't people who judge them for moving on so quickly.

by Anonymousreply 12602/11/2011

Thanks, Tarquin.%0D %0D I always enjoy your posts.

by Anonymousreply 12702/11/2011

meant to type: close to you

by Anonymousreply 12802/11/2011

Nor really, R126, the husbands are not 'cunts'.%0D %0D I've noticed that other people quite often quickly forget those who have died.%0D %0D Relatives quickly forget other relatives, wives forget husbands, siblings forget siblings, people forget their aunts, uncles, etc.%0D %0D Life goes on, and often the dead people are rarely, if ever, mentioned.

by Anonymousreply 12902/11/2011

R126, the men who remarry don't forget their wives. I've known several. %0D %0D They often love their replacement wives a little less, but they need women to take care of them.%0D %0D You wouldn't believe how needy straight men are.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 13002/11/2011

All I know is when my parents have died, I'm going to end it all too. I'm not good with change that require mourning.

by Anonymousreply 13102/11/2011

R130, you cannot say ALL men do not forget the wife who died.%0D %0D Just because you know a couple doesn't mean you can extrapolate to ALL men.%0D %0D And men (or people) may not forget the wife, but they rarely think about her.

by Anonymousreply 13202/11/2011

My husband lost his partner in 1991. He loves me completely, but his late partner is very dear to him still.%0D %0D Life moves on, and that's a good thing.

by Anonymousreply 13302/11/2011

Yes, that is a good thing in many ways, R133 - but people who move on ridiculously quickly are very suspect. %0D %0D I still maintain that they're cunts, R129. Unless they hated their wives, they should be single for at least some time. And no, I don't think many people quickly forget their loved ones - that's a very cynical view, and not at all coincident with reality.

by Anonymousreply 13402/11/2011

I was with my father as he took ill at home, lost consciousness, traveled by ambulance and died in the hospital that night. He died of a massive brain hemorrhage in his 90s, and there was nothing to be done. We were so close that I am still in shock, over a year later.

By the time we got to the hospital, he was not responsive but was breathing on his own. Later on, he had oxygen, and I sat there with him holding his hand, talking and singing to him. He was able to breathe on his own until the very end. In the wee hours his blood pressure dropped to an alarmingly low rate and the attending idiotic resident, who was unqualified for this kind of thing, and who kept distracting us with stupid ideas and questions when all we wanted was some quiet last time with him, ordered us to leave the room as he was drawing his last breath. I missed the exact moment that he died, which is still very upsetting to me. I promised myself that I would be there when Dad died and I still am so angry at that Dr, but mainly with myself, for not telling him to get the fuck out of our room and not come back until after Dad died. If I had been in my normal state of mind, I would have.

Our whole experience at the hospital was so awful once we got out of emergency. I had to insist on a monitor, ("we don't have monitors on this floor")insist that someone suction his throat when he was choking, and resented having to answer questions about what medications he was on to some slow-witted nurse when it was already in his file, and he certainly didn't need anymore drugs. She really enjoyed the fact that I was irritated at her and prolonged it.

I ended up writing a detailed letter to the Head of Residents about this experience and they instituted a program to train residents and doctors about the needs of the dying patient and family. You would THINK that a major hospital in New York City would already be training doctors in this, but I guess not. I'm hope that someone else will not have to suffer as I did, but nothing changes the misery of that night, made by worse by Dr. Horrible.

I had to start grief therapy immediately and am still seeing a therapist. I worry that the last thing my Dad might have heard was my brother and I arguing with that idiot, instead of focusing our attention on him during his last moments on earth. I still can start crying at the memory of it, as well as his last day, which started out normally.

Despite this, his leave-taking was so dignified and quiet, much like he was. He has a good quality of life and was able to live at home until that last day, without pain (until the headache), just getting older and weaker. I hope I will be that lucky.

by Anonymousreply 13502/11/2011

When you're little all the people in your life are older than you; when you're old your family and friends are mostly all younger than you. You start your life with one set of people who are one-by-one replaced by a completely different set of people who are there at the end.

by Anonymousreply 13602/11/2011

Well, many men are NOT single for 'some time' after their wife dies, R134.%0D %0D How long is 'some time'? Many men re-marry fairly quickly.%0D %0D And loved ones are less put out of one's mind than acquaintances or famous people or neighbors or even friends - as the latter often rarely come to one's mind.%0D %0D I've just been made aware of how people who die are rarely thought about once they are gone.

by Anonymousreply 13702/11/2011

Can anyone else comment further upon or elaborate further on the rather mysterious leave-taking of what seems to possibly be the soul leaving the body such as what R110 experienced?

by Anonymousreply 13802/11/2011

I saw R. Budd Dwyer shoot himself on televisionvb

by Anonymousreply 13902/11/2011

"I've just been made aware of how people who die are rarely thought about once they are gone."%0D %0D Bizarre. There would not be such an emphasis on grieving customs in our culture if we 'rarely' thought about our loved ones who have passed away.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 14002/12/2011

Except for historical or famous people, who that died before 1900 is remembered today by anyone but genealogists?

by Anonymousreply 14102/12/2011

R140, I was refering mostly to acquaintances, neighbors, friends, famous people, people in the public eye.....but also to some relatives and some loved ones.%0D %0D Many people get back to living and life quite quickly, and more than often, the people who died do not cross their minds all that much.

by Anonymousreply 14202/12/2011

"Many people get back to living and life quite quickly, and more than often, the people who died do not cross their minds all that much."%0D %0D 'Many' people? 'More than often'? You need to produce some proof for this statement of yours... It's just far too sweeping in scope.

by Anonymousreply 14302/12/2011

R140 says:%0D %0D "There would not be such an emphasis on grieving customs in our culture if we 'rarely' thought about our loved ones who have passed away."%0D %0D But the 'grieving customs' you mention are only for short periods of several months, or at most a year.%0D %0D Just because you still mourn the loss of your partner or parent or someone else, doesn't mean that everyone else in the world mourns for lengthy periods like you apparently do, R140.%0D %0D I've learned that most people are basically thought of as fairly disposable and sometimes rather replaceable, and when not replaceable, then 'out of sight then out of thought, out of mind'.%0D %0D A gay partner would be probably be mourned the most since most gay partners are very difficult to replace with a new partner.%0D %0D And parents are pretty irreplacement, but the loss usually lessens a huge amount by a year later after the loss.

by Anonymousreply 14402/12/2011

My partner was in hospital after a long battle with cancer and terminal after contracting pneumonia, that morning he was however cheerful and he asked to run some errands for him as we though he was actually making a remarcable recovery!, so off I went only to be called back in by the head nurse telling me one of his morphine tubes had come off after he got agitated because some "friend" showed up and insisted in seeing him, after all the commotion the visitor quickly dashed off and my partner was no longer able to speak or see anyone I mean his body had already starting shutting ability to see with his eyes or speak anymore I was informeed..., But I was informed that he could hear and recognize voices...that if I spoke to him he would hear me but would not be able to move or anything...Shocked and crying I rushed back to the hospital to find a crowd of friends all there to watch his "departure' (mind you he was a celebrity sportman) and those who wanted to be in the news wanted to go on record as being there "holding" his hand.%0D I felt outraged by the other family members who sat down all over the place eating sandwiches and happilly chatting away not concerned at all at what we were really there for, it was a circus.%0D %0D I approached my dear partner and what happened next left everyone shocked: My loving partner "lifted" his arm and placed around my shoulders as I cried on his.%0D %0D After a while I moved away and sat on the floor as I had no strengh left in partner then all of a sudden sat up and his eyes gkazed up, he recoiled in a foetal position and that was it, gone.%0D %0D A doctor came in and in shock of the manner in which everyone else conducted themselves told them off the room but asked me to stay.%0D %0D He said he was a moslin, I said I was catholic, he said it didn't matter and invited me to say a prayer together because in the eyes of God we are all the same, after that he asked me if I wanted to bathe and change my partners clothes as he had to send his body to another department, at each stage the doctor asked permission to my deat partner to perform and touch him for what we needed to do to prepare his body.%0D %0D It was a sobering and very conforting watching this special person defering so much respect to my dead partner.%0D %0D That same night the Organ donation called me and asked me for permission to donate his corneas, I explained to them his medical history and they told me it was okay to donate corneas and they scan every organ for cancerous cells.%0D %0D As it was my partners thing in life to always help people and in the past I recollected conversation when he indicated he would like to be an organ donor, so I discussed this with the rest of the family and we agreed to it.%0D %0D Months later I received a Christmas card from a lady (through the organ donation foundation) telling me that her husband was blind and only two weeks after his operation he could already see. The other cornea went to another elderly gentleman who was doing well as well.%0D %0D Altough the memories of those horrible days in hospital are gone I feel conforted knowing that out there somewhere he still helping others.%0D I had much to say but I have waited 7 years to tell this story, get it out my chest and I only came across this site today totally by chance.%0D %0D I loved all the conversations, cheers

by Anonymousreply 14502/12/2011

"I've learned that most people are basically thought of as fairly disposable and sometimes rather replaceable, and when not replaceable, then 'out of sight then out of thought, out of mind'."%0D %0D You are proselytizing for this bizarre belief that you have, one that apparently gets you off somehow. That's just not true. %0D %0D "Just because you still mourn the loss of your partner or parent or someone else, doesn't mean that everyone else in the world mourns for lengthy periods like you apparently do, R140."%0D %0D You are attempting to suppress recognition of other people's very different grieving processes to sate your own flippancy. A lot of people do not conform to your strange ideas of how long grief and/or remembrance should last. Some people will always miss their loved ones, and some people will always try to keep their loved one's memory alive somehow. Case closed.

by Anonymousreply 14602/12/2011

Ah, R145, you made me tear up. Much love to you.

by Anonymousreply 14702/12/2011

"Bizarre. There would not be such an emphasis on grieving customs in our culture if we 'rarely' thought about our loved ones who have passed away."

The "grieving customs" are often all about the living and their need for attention.

by Anonymousreply 14802/12/2011

A couple of years ago I was looking out my window drinking a cup of coffee. I saw a very fat woman in her nightgown land and crash on my patio furniture. She had jumped from her window on the 10th floor and landed on my large balcony. It was surreal. After she crashed, she just tried to get up but she lost consciousness and died in front of my eyes. I have these images engraved in my mind, in slow-motion...It was established that she commited suicide.

by Anonymousreply 14902/12/2011

[quote]Except for historical or famous people, who that died before 1900 is remembered today by anyone but genealogists?%0D %0D Uh, is there a point to this idiocy?

by Anonymousreply 15002/12/2011

R11, I'm not laughing at you or your pain but I couldn't help but giggle at "staff infection." I'm sorry about your grandmother.

The term is "staph" infection and refers to the staphylococcus aureus bacteria. It's a danger to anyone in the hospital because it's naturally found on human skin. People like your grandmother are prime candidates for staph infections.

by Anonymousreply 15102/12/2011

Jeez, R149, how rude!

by Anonymousreply 15202/12/2011

R146, it's nice that you want to grieve forever and keep someone's memory alive forever ......%0D %0D but plenty of people are thought of as fairly disposable and replaceable....%0D %0D and they are thought of rarely, if at all.

by Anonymousreply 15302/12/2011

You're fetishizing your worldview, R153. Even your language - the constant use of 'rarely' and 'disposable' - holds some kind of talismanic power over you.%0D %0D Take a poll, and see if the majority of people feel the way you do. I think you'll be very surprised by what they say.

by Anonymousreply 15402/12/2011

You seem to be hung up on a beloved partner or beloved parent, R1146, R154....%0D %0D but there are vast numbers of people who are not loved and to whom people are indifferent...%0D %0D siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, acquaintances, parents who are not particularly loved, people without children, maiden aunts, unmarried people, etd%0D %0D Not everyone is loved or missed. Plenty of people are not loved by anyone and are not missed.

by Anonymousreply 15502/12/2011

"You seem to be hung up on a beloved partner or beloved parent..."%0D %0D I'm fortunate enough to not have had a partner or parent pass yet, R153. I still hold my beliefs that people can leave lasting impacts on others, though.

by Anonymousreply 15602/12/2011

R156, yes, of course, SOME people can leave lasting impacts on others.%0D %0D Of course, NO ONE WOULD DISPUTE THAT.%0D %0D But in all of your posts, you act like EVERYONE is not disposable and EVERYONE is beloved by people and EVERYONE is missed terribly and EVERYONE is not forgotten and EVERYONE is honored and their memory kept alive.%0D %0D It just is not true.

by Anonymousreply 15702/12/2011

Psycho/R157, calm down. I never said that everyone is not forgotten. But many people are remembered fondly, and that seems to be upsetting you very much.%0D %0D Please take your pills now.

by Anonymousreply 15802/12/2011

"Of course, NO ONE WOULD DISPUTE THAT."%0D %0D You disputed this many times, with your reiteration of "and they are thought of rarely, if at all". You're clearly unbalanced and borderline amnesiac.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 15902/12/2011

It's too bad that the anonymity of the Internet interferes with what has for the most part been a very thoughtful and respectful discussion that I've enjoyed participating in very much.

Save the childish name calling stuff for the vapid threads ... that leaves you 99.9%.

by Anonymousreply 16002/12/2011

I'm liked by several friends, but I have no family (once my mom passes), and possibly no partner (although I'm working on it). So sometimes I have a fear that who's going even make arrangements for my funeral? Everybody just assumes family is taking care of it and everyone has busy lives. But I do get comfort by the fact that I'll be dead so it really won't matter. My body could just sit there, I'll be dead so I won't know.

by Anonymousreply 16102/12/2011

Excellent and brave contribution, R160. Can we assume that you fit into the 'dead people don't matter' crowd too?

by Anonymousreply 16202/12/2011

Alas Sarcasmo, you are wrong ... if indeed that is possible with such a name. Seems you've set yourself up to win either way.

Well done.

by Anonymousreply 16302/12/2011

R146, R154, R158, R159 (who are all the same person....%0D %0D you seem very threatened by the ideas I have presented.%0D %0D You are so threatened that you resorted to insisting that I am 'psycho' and 'need pills' and that I'm 'unbalanced and borderline'....%0D %0D none of which is true about me.%0D %0D You need to learn to accept opposing and different ideas.%0D %0D And you are so extreme that you try to insist that everyone is loved and that everyone will be remembered forever and cherished and kept alive in memories - when there are millions of people living at any given time in the world for which this is not true.

by Anonymousreply 16402/12/2011

R158, why do you set up a false argument. It is so low in argumentation.%0D %0D I never said that some people are not remembered fondly.%0D %0D And, of course, the fact that some people are remembered fondly does NOT upset me.%0D %0D You are so threatened that you really step low.%0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 16502/12/2011

At R157, I should have typed you insist that 'most everyone is loved, missed, cherished by someone, kept alive in memories, or remembered'%0D %0D emphasia on the word 'most everyone', not 'everyone'

by Anonymousreply 16602/12/2011

R166+ too many to count - you have made your point, now kindly go away. We promise to forget you immediately.

by Anonymousreply 16702/12/2011

R167, you go away. You have not posted even one post on this thread. No one cares what you think and you have contributed nothing.

by Anonymousreply 16802/12/2011

I love this thread, but I am crying when I read it. Even though my dad died 3 years ago and mom last year, I am still, i guess, in morning. I miss them terribly and was not present at either of their deaths. This I guess haunts me the most. Life goes on is true, but their memories are right there at the surface for me.%0D %0D %0D Even though I am not religious (jebus and all that), I do believe there is something more after death. I firmly believe we are more than the physical atoms in our bodies and when we die, that "something" leaves and goes???. I don't need to create a reason for what that is, I just know we are more than what you can touch.%0D

by Anonymousreply 16902/12/2011


by Anonymousreply 17002/12/2011

I was caring for a patient several years ago in the ICU. Early into my 12-hour shift, a cancer patient told me, as I gave him some Vicodin, "I'm going to die."%0D %0D He looked pale and balding, and was a DNR, but he was perfectly with it, definitely not imminently dying. %0D %0D Of course you know he died four hours later -- And I mean, just collapsed in bed and was dead.

by Anonymousreply 17102/12/2011

[quote]He looked pale and balding, and was a DNR, but he was perfectly with it, definitely not imminently dying.

I've been balding for about 15 years. It's good to know I'm not in imminent danger of death.

by Anonymousreply 17202/13/2011

If you wear x ray glasses when someone dies, you can see a transparent tortellini float out of their stomach.

by Anonymousreply 17302/13/2011

Another story....%0D %0D A different cancer patient, a middle-aged woman with newly-diagnosed, inoperable lung cancer, was on the ventilator, but totally dependent on it to survive. We had tried numerous times to extubate, and she wouldn't last a minute.%0D %0D One day she just decided to "quit," as it were. She spelled out to her daughters, that she just wanted to die. Perfectly competent to make the decision, so the next day we extubated her.%0D %0D The doctor, her two daughters and myself were there.....I gave her Ativan and Morphine before we started, then as she whispered words to her daughters (of course, with them sobbing uncontrollably like on "Imitation of Life), the doctor kept on telling me to just give more Morphine and Ativan -- I must've given enough to kill a herd of elephants, and finally she died after about 10 minutes. But i'd never seen (and have since never seen) anyone who looked so peaceful after such a decision. She had a faint smile on her face, I thought.%0D %0D I broke out in hives that afternoon, from the stress of basically "killing" someone from giving so much medicine to keep her comfortable.

by Anonymousreply 17402/13/2011

When my mother had terminal cancer, she said she wanted to live through one more Easter. The day after, she took a turn for the worse.%0D %0D We brought her to Sloane Kettering and the ER doctor told us she could go at anytime. I guess it just wasn't sinking in. At one point the DR asked my father if they should do anything to keep her alive. He looked at me and I shook my head. I guess he couldn't make the decision. I looked over at her and she smiled at me.%0D %0D We stayed with her into the evening, then we all left. She said she was ok. She died in the middle of the night. I have never forgiven myself for leaving her to die alone. I was only 24, but I should have known better.

by Anonymousreply 17502/13/2011

Lord, R174, was the doctor asking you to kill her? I mean did the doctor know giving that large amount of morphine and ativan would kill her?

by Anonymousreply 17602/13/2011

R175, yes, but the second she died any memory or knowledge or consciousness of you not being there was erased forever as she fell into the eternal nothingness of death.%0D %0D And she may have been unconscious anyway before she died.%0D %0D You have nothing to forgive yourself for.

by Anonymousreply 17702/13/2011

R174, once you removed the tube, would she have suffocated to death because her lungs were not working, so that is why the doctor ordered the massive doses of morphine/ativan?

by Anonymousreply 17802/13/2011

Not R174, but the doctor told us to give my father as much morphine and ativan needed to keep him comfortable. High doses of morphine are pretty typical for end-stage terminal cancer.%0D %0D I was curious, I took a 30 mg pill of morphine. Oh my god, it was wonderful!

by Anonymousreply 17902/13/2011

R176, not R174 here, but a doctor killed my grandmother by withdrawing nourishment and water while having my aunt keep grandma full of morphine until she basically died of thirst.%0D %0D Seems to be accepted practice.%0D

by Anonymousreply 18002/13/2011

Wow, 177 and the other 6 entries on this page alone, you definitely have some serious issues but of course, you don't think so. Whatever.

I have posted on this thread, not that it matters, but no one has posted more than YOU have, so I guess you win the prize.

by Anonymousreply 18102/13/2011

R181, I see your post at R135. You are self-admittedly and obviously the one with deep psychological issues. You say that you have been in grief therapy with a counselor for a year or longer over the death of your father.%0D %0D You and I seem to disagree - so we disagree, now leave me alone.

by Anonymousreply 18202/13/2011

R177, you sound really bitter. %0D %0D Are you dying? %0D %0D You also sound like one who hasn't gotten much love.

by Anonymousreply 18302/13/2011

R178, most people die within three days after the tube is removed. Some live for months, but they are the exception.%0D %0D There is a German doctor who has made it his cause to end intubation. It was originally intended to keep people alive who would get better, like car accident victims. However, people who would die anyway are being routinely intubated, keeping them alive for much longer then they would have. He believes this is cruel.%0D %0D I have a DNR and a do not intubate order. I don't want to be kept alive by a machine.%0D %0D My father didn't have a DNR. We were taking care of him at home and the hospice people (who were amazing) basically told us that if anything happened, not to call an ambulance. %0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 18402/13/2011

"I have never forgiven myself for leaving her to die alone."

It might have been easier for her to go without you and your father and/or other close family members present.

[quote]Giving permission to your loved one to let go, without making him or her guilty for leaving or trying to keep him or her with you to meet your own needs, can be difficult. A dying person will normally try to hold on, even though it brings prolonged discomfort, in order to be sure those who are going to be left behind will be all right. Therefore, your ability to release the dying person from this concern and give him or her assurance that it is all right to let go whenever he or she is ready is one of the greatest gifts you have to give your loved one at this time.

by Anonymousreply 18502/13/2011

Not very known is the fact that a good number of the elderly or those with terminal cancer decide that they want to die and stop eating and drinking on their own by their own decision.%0D %0D When the person decides to die by not eating and not drinking, neither food nor water is given to the person by those in the nursing home, in the hospital, in hospice care, or in hospice care in their own home.%0D %0D It seems that many people in society do not know that this happens.%0D %0D My father at 84 in a nursing home decided he did not want to live, and he stopped eating and drinking, and he was dead in a week.%0D %0D My mother with terminal cancer in hospice care in her own apartment did the same thing and was dead in a week or less.

by Anonymousreply 18602/13/2011

Also, my grandfather in a nursing decided he wanted to die so he stopped eating and drinking, and nursing home staff allow the patients to do this.

by Anonymousreply 18702/13/2011

in a nursing home

by Anonymousreply 18802/13/2011

Oh yes, at Shady Pines we always tell the family the patient chose to stop eating and drinking. Mm hmmm, they chose it on their own.

by Anonymousreply 18902/13/2011

I once shot a man just to watch him die. Then I got distracted, and missed it.

by Anonymousreply 19002/13/2011

There is a profound difference between motion and rest.

by Anonymousreply 19102/13/2011

R181, 186, 187, 188 and too many countless other posts to tally, I ma not not the one who cannot control myself with multiple posts, trying to take over this thread, hammering my point away again and again, until everyone gives yo the validation that you need.

I suggest that you see a therapist as well. It's been a wonderful help and I am trying to get over the experience I had when Dad died and wish that everyone could afford to do the same, if they need it.

You are angry, controlling and abusive on this thread.

by Anonymousreply 19202/13/2011

My Mother who had a friend that work the Intensive Care Unit told her that a lot of times when patients have friends or family watching vigil, they would almost always die when the person or people left the room. Like they were waiting to be alone and not die in front of anyone. Of course the family would feel guilty for not being there but the nurse would reassure them it happens all the time. Any nurses have that experience?

by Anonymousreply 19302/13/2011

R192, you are much sicker and disturbed than you know. Now, go away.

by Anonymousreply 19402/13/2011

R174 here.... %0D %0D Yes she was going to die anyway, so it was necessary to keep her sedated, comfortable and not gasping for breath, making it less horrible for both her and her daughters.%0D %0D It was just the fact that I pretty much hastened her death by giving her those massive doses.%0D %0D Ultimately it was a kindness, I just had never done it before and it stressed the hell out of me....

by Anonymousreply 19502/13/2011

Thanks for the reply, R195. That makes me curious if that is a common practice - to extubate (which I assume means remove the breathing tube) and then to give large doses of morphine. Apparently, the large doses of morphine keeps one from gasping for breath?%0D %0D My mother did not have a breathing tube, for some reason - she had just the plastic device in her nose giving oxygen while receiving doses of oxygen - with metastacized cancer including cancer in the lungs

by Anonymousreply 19602/13/2011

meant to type: while receiving doses of morphine (not oxygen)

by Anonymousreply 19702/13/2011

A few other people mentioned the dying person "reaching out" for something, and I witnessed the same thing with my mother. She held both hands up in the air, like a little kid reaching to be picked up. Her eyes were open, but when I leaned over her bed, she looked right through me. Whoever she "saw" and was reaching to, wasn't me. Then she put her arms down, closed her eyes, and very soon after, stopped breathing. There was no death rattle. No hysterics. It was like she just... left. Very calmly and quietly.

My mother was not a religious person. In fact, she referred to Christmas as "the Jesus story" (and not in any kind of a devout way). So anyone who thinks she was reaching up to God, probably not. But my dad had died nine months before, and they were a very close couple. So my guess (hope) was that she was reaching up to him. But who knows.

by Anonymousreply 19802/13/2011

My dad died last summer. He had stage 4 leukemia and stage 4 pancreatic cancer. When he started turning yellow it was a sign that the cancer had entered his liver.

He had a long, excruciating decline. The day before he died, we decided to hire a CNA because my mother and I were exhausted. The day he died, the CNA showed up, got him comfortable, cleaned him up. My mother and I had to run out and get new bedding because there was a lot of blood involved the day before.

By this point, he was completely medicated. He refused morphine, and finally the hospice nurse said to give him the full dose. He can't fight you. So he was out. My mom and I came back from the store, and another nurse told us that his blood pressure was dropping and that his breathing was shutting down. We were gone for an hour. When we left his color was ghastly, when we got back it was gruesome.

The nurse was monitoring his breathing. There was more time between each breath. She told us that he was going. Finally she said he's gone. My mother, who is not the emotional type got really weepy. I'd made my peace with him dying (as much as I could do).

He made arrangements to be cremated. The cremation society came within 45 minutes to collect him. We managed to get him dressed. White shirt, off white summer cotton sweater, blue striped seersucker trousers, argyle socks and his favorite white bucks. He was going to a summer party in my mind. Then they took him away and that's the last time I saw him.

by Anonymousreply 19902/13/2011

My partner stopped eating and drinking the last week of his life. He would take a few sips of an Ensure, but that was it. His doctor had warned me earlier that cancer patients stop eating towards the end--they just have no appetite. When he died, he was literally skin and bone. I'm still haunted by those final weeks.

The hospice nurse told me that almost all of her patients reach out and sometimes talk to an unseen presence in the room. Her theory was that people near death have glimpses of the other side even before they die. This "reaching out" is them communicating with loved ones who have already passed on. My partner said he had conversations with his deceased mother in the last 2 weeks of his life.

by Anonymousreply 20002/13/2011

R200, it's interesting to hypothesize whether they are really seeing a truly existing 'other side' or if they are conjuring up a fabricated non-existent 'other side' from being ill and on morphine.

by Anonymousreply 20102/13/2011

I'm always upset when I hear that someone has an excruciating decline. There's absolutely no reason that a patient shouldn't receive all the pain meds they need. At hospice, our top priority is keeping the patients comfortable. Because of this, they frequently rally for a time after arriving, sometimes eating well for the first time in weeks. Being comfortable means that family can spend a bit of quality time with their loved ones.

To the cynic who is repeatedly posting: Hearing is the very last sense we lose, so yes, it's important that loved ones are present to help ease the dying on their way. Whether there's an afterlife, or it's just oblivion when we die, everyone deserves to have a humane death.

by Anonymousreply 20202/13/2011

Yes, R202, I can see that you have your definitive point of view and I would certainly not dispute it.%0D %0D I would think, though, that often very little, if any, talking goes on at one's death bed from whoever is there. I just picture very little talking going on from relatives at many death beds.%0D %0D I'm not disputing you and the body of knowledge/experience which you hold dear from being a hospice worker.%0D %0D Everyone does die alone though. It is the ultimate fact of life that everyone dies alone - as no one is dying with you at your time.%0D %0D Also, people who die suddenly without warning while they are alone and people who are in fatal accidents all die alone.%0D %0D Still not disputing what you said and the body of knowledge which you hold dear, R202, so don't get upset.

by Anonymousreply 20302/13/2011

R203, I think it distresses some of us that it apparently the idea of dying alone has such a hold on you.

You are right, we all do die alone.

Billy Joel once wrote a song about it. Sort of. Want to hear it? Here it go.

by Anonymousreply 20402/14/2011

[quote]Not very known is the fact that a good number of the elderly or those with terminal cancer decide that they want to die and stop eating and drinking on their own by their own decision.%0D %0D Wouldn't that be a terribly painful way to go? I'm thinking of accounts of prisoners that have died while on hunger strikes. %0D %0D I can't understand why we make death easier and less painful for family pets in the U.S. than we do for human beings. Not that I want any creature to suffer, but why is it OK to 'humanely destroy' a terminally ill animal while people have to linger in agony for weeks?

by Anonymousreply 20502/14/2011

R132,R137,138,etc., is the sickest DLer I've met since MHB, and that's saying something.

by Anonymousreply 20602/14/2011

R203-- you're projecting a bit. I don't hold this knowledge dear. Very strange choice of terms there. It's an opinion based on my personal experiences, as well as those of others.

Working in a hospice facility is very different than working in a hospital or nursing home. Facilitating death is what we do-- making it go as smoothly as possible for the patient, and hopefully their family as well. We see quite a few deaths every month. Because we offer a high degree of one-on-one care, we become well acquainted with both the patients and their family members.

Yes, everyone dies alone. More importantly, everyone does it their own way. But what a poster above mentioned is quite true: In most cases (not all, mind you), it's very helpful when the family is able to be there and let their loved one know that they will be alright when he/she passes, and if their loved one is ready to die, then that's okay. It's very true that many people wait for their family members to either leave the room (even briefly) or to fall asleep, and then they'll die. They may seem like they're in a come, but there's more going on there than we know. One of the great mysteries.

by Anonymousreply 20702/14/2011

R206, I will give you an example. My mother's sister (my aunt) died at age 65, and my mother who lived to age 85 never mentioned her again.%0D %0D I never heard my mother even mention her name in 25 years.%0D %0D The thought of the dead sister may have infrequently entered my mother's mind, but she certainly never brought the dead sister up in conversation or refered to her in any way for 25 years after the sister died.%0D %0D And my grandfather lost siblings, but he never mentioned them for a couple of decades, never mentioned them in conversation, and appeared to almost never think of them. My grandfather also never bothered to speak to them while they were alive.%0D %0D This is all I meant. %0D %0D And people who re-marry and are very happily remarried, often do not dwell upon their first spouse much at all whether lost by death or divorce.

by Anonymousreply 20802/14/2011

R205, good question you pose.%0D %0D My father and grandfather quit eating and basically drinking, although they had some sips of water. %0D %0D Each died in nursing homes within a week of ceasing eating. Neither had cancer - they were just elderly and decided they did not want to live anymore.%0D %0D I find it shocking too, but it seems to be quite common.%0D %0D To answer your question, though, I don't think it is painful as they fall into a almost constant sleep or coma.%0D %0D My mother did not eat her last week of life due to metastacized cancer, and she was on morphine so that made it not painful for the most part.

by Anonymousreply 20902/15/2011

I've witnessed the deaths of my Mom, my Dad, and my best friend/cousin.%0D %0D My Dad had pancretic cancer and drifted into a coma. His breathing became slower and slower until he just stopped altogether. We spent a couple of minutes waiting for the next breath before we realized he was dead.%0D %0D My Mom was on life-support for 12 days and was disconnected. It took about an hour for her to die. She was still connected to the heart monitor so we got the alarm when her heart stopped. I'd forgotten about the machine so it scared the crap out of me. I watched her color change and was morbidly facinated. %0D %0D My cousin died after four years of breast/tumor/bone cancer. Her lungs collapsed. Her death was very violent and terrifying. There is nothing like watching someone who cannot breath. I never expected to be with her when she died as she had closer family members and a husband. Being with her was unexpected but I just felt I couldn't leave that night. Watching someone suffocate is horrible.%0D %0D My Mom and Dad were both unconcious when they died and I accepted their deaths for the most part. My cousin was awake and aware and I watched her eyes change from alive to dead. Her death will always haunt me.

by Anonymousreply 21002/15/2011

I watched my mother die. She was home on hospice with and had gone to sleep in her chair on a Friday and we had trouble waking her. By the time we moved her to a bed it took 3 of us to get her to the bed. She was "asleep" and basically unreachable for 6 days. During this time my sister and I never left her- her sister and my brothers all visited. When my brother was leaving- the last time he saw her alive- as he was going I said Mom, do you know who was here? She didn't open her eyes but out of the blue she said, Of course I do!! That was the last time she spoke.

All the time she was out she couldn't wake but she was aware. If my sister or I got too upset she would fret- we promised in front of her that we would be okay, no more tears. A day before she died when it was only me with her I told her she didn't need to fight, we would all be okay, I would do the things she would do, take care of everyone for her- I would see to it.

She died the next morning- I was out of the room when she started to go but we all quickly got to her beside and she lasted about 5 minutes more. There is really no way to describe the moment that her spark left her body- leaving just a shell. Her death was an awful moment but an extremely precious one to me and I am thankful that I was there with her. I don't know where Hospice nurses find the strength for the job they do but thank goodness for them.

by Anonymousreply 21102/15/2011

I saw somebody brain-die this morning. He's probably been taken off life support by now

by Anonymousreply 21202/17/2011

My friend Andre had been sick the summer before he died with bronchitis that he couldn%E2%80%99t shake. In the fall it got so bad that he couldn%E2%80%99t breathe. He ended up in the hospital on a ventilator for about a week. He got well enough to be off the ventilator but still had to remain in the hospital. His doctors could not figure out what was wrong with him and thought he had pneumonia. Andre was a drag performer and while recuperating in his hospital room, had a sewing machine brought in to sew costumes. The doctors were still puzzled as to what was wrong with him. Finally after about another week in his hospital room another friend and I asked a nurse if they had tested him for HIV by chance. The nurse told us she couldn%E2%80%99t disclose that because of regulations. When we went back the next day to visit Andre, I noticed he was hooked up to an IV of the drug Bactrim. Bactrim is a drug that is administered to HIV-positive people with pneumocystis pneumonia, as opposed to pneumococcal pneumonia that not HIV-positive people come down with. Andre saw me looking at the name on the IV bag, our eyes met and I knew he knew that I knew. It was mind boggling that he%E2%80%99d been in the hospital three weeks now, sewn dresses in his room, had many flamboyant visitors, and the hospital had not tested for HIV. Andre requested that I help him with his healthcare and become power of attorney in the event that he was not able to take care of his own needs. A few days later he was back on a ventilator and pretty much in a coma. About four days later on a Saturday his Dr. contacted me and told me there was nothing more that they could do for him. The doctor said that as the best case scenario, even if he came off the ventilator he would possibly have brain damage from lack of oxygen, if he could even live off of the ventilator. The doctor suggested we turn off all support. I conferred with his mother and we decided that we should indeed turn off the support. The nurse asked us to stay outside of his room while she removed the ventilator and administered morphine %E2%80%9C for his comfort%E2%80%9D. He didn%E2%80%99t last long after removal of the ventilator, by the time we got back in the room, a matter 30 seconds, he was gone. My friend and I looked at Andres face and both noticed a tear streaming down his right eye. I am certain that even though he was comatose he understood what happened. Another odd thing, it was late October and minutes after he passed it started snowing outside for just a few minutes.

by Anonymousreply 21302/17/2011


by Anonymousreply 21402/22/2011

"There's absolutely no reason that a patient shouldn't receive all the pain meds they need."

Absolutely true, r202. But I've known a few people (cranky old men including my father) who absolutely refuse to cooperate with treatment. My dad was always like that. If he complained about a headache, I'd ask if he'd taken an aspirin. No. Why not? I don't believe in taking drugs.

We had outstanding care from home hospice nurses. They adored him, but even they were getting frustrated with his refusal to listen to them. Everything he was supposed to do, he'd respond to with NO. Their patience with him was extraordinary. But it was his choice to be a pain in the ass.

The last two days of his life were gruesome. It wasn't his choice to die a gruesome death, but it was his choices which led to it. He was in great pain, but refused to take morphine. Finally one of the nurses said, he's not in control here any longer. Give him the full dose - he's in no condition to fight you.

The day he died, a cousin called to offer condolences. He put up a good fight, she said. Yes, and all he did was fight us.

So in my experience, the resources for quality of life were there, but my father just said no because he was always a pill.

by Anonymousreply 21502/22/2011

I wonder what the psychological malady is behind men who refuse all medication all during the decades of their lives - %0D %0D they will not even take aspirin or ibuprofen for aches and pains.%0D %0D Anyone hazard a guess on what the psychology behind that is?

by Anonymousreply 21602/22/2011

Actually, everyone around you is dying, some just a bit faster than others...

by Anonymousreply 21702/22/2011

R215 and R216-- I've seen women do it as well, and you're right, their deaths can be awful. Once pain reaches a certain point, it's incredibly hard to get ahead of it with the pain meds.

Some folks are just contrary. They've been that way their whole lives. Others that I've seen don't take the meds because to do so would be admitting defeat.

by Anonymousreply 21802/22/2011

I remember the look on my fathers face just moments before he died. It was the look of complete and utter shock..Even though he had been very sick for months I believe his death came as an absolute surprise to him. Smothering him with that pillow was the best decision I ever made.

by Anonymousreply 21902/23/2011

Yes, it was like something separated from the body. I didn't "see" the spirit, just the fact that there was such a strong separation from the body. The body had an immediate reaction, and took about 10 minutes to slow down and the breathing stop.

by Anonymousreply 22011/04/2012

"There was "like" something leaving"?

No, there was something leaving. Unless you wouldn't say life is something.

by Anonymousreply 22111/04/2012

Was in the room when my father took his last breath on August 9, 2012. he was in hospice and was non-responsive for the last 36 hours of his life.

Can't say I felt something (spirit) leave, but it is an image I will never forget.

by Anonymousreply 22211/04/2012

A minister acquaintance was visiting an ill parishioner who happened to pass away while he was there; the guy wasn't in great shape but not quite expected to go so soon so uit wasn't a "deathbed scene" specifically. He said he cannot put in in words exactly, but he sensed the energy shifting.

by Anonymousreply 22311/04/2012

I remember stress filled days leading up to my Mom's passing. Seeing pain on her face in the final days, and it seemed like a blur to me now, but very near the end, her face looked calmer and I felt a calm come over me. When the vitals stopped, I know she was gone and there was no place I would have rather been. Odd to say it was a beautiful experience. Afterwards, it was just a body.

My sister had gone "brain dead" and we had to make the decision to shut off life support. It seemed to me that while she was on life support, she had that "just a body" look and there was no transition when the vitals stopped.

by Anonymousreply 22611/13/2012

I watched my dad die.

by Anonymousreply 22711/13/2012

It was on Market Street in the Castro near Peets Coffee. I noticed a man, dressed up for work, who seemed to be looking for something under his front steps. He appeared to be kneeling on the third step, with his hands on the first step, and his head tucked under as though looking underneath. I was about 50 feet away but the reality changed as I walked toward him. I realized he wasn't moving at all. He seemed to be frozen in that position. By the time I reached him, I knew he was dead. I went to a couple of shops to report it, asking them to phone 911 (before cell phones). No one would. Finally someone in Peets came out and did it.

I OD'd a terminal friend on morphine. "When they get to this point, it's okay to give them a little more than usual," the nurse said the night she dropped off the bottle.

by Anonymousreply 22811/13/2012

When my cat was put down, I was in the room, and she was in my arms. I watched the light fade from her bright green eyes, and I can say that I for sure won't ever forget that moment.

by Anonymousreply 22911/20/2012

My mom. It was intense and very sad and haunts me to this day. That awful death rattle was a presence in the room for hours and hours leading up to her death. She had one eye closed and one eye open staring blankly at the ceiling. There was a little blood coming out of her nose as she was very low on platelets.

My mom and I were always very close. Many people---my friends, friends of my mom, my siblings-- all told me that I needed to tell my mom to let go otherwise she would continue to hold on for me. I did ask her to let go once she was moved to hospice but not once did I truly mean it. It was not until a few seconds before she finally died, that I begged her to let go and meant it. It was horrible to see her in that state. And in only a few seconds, the death rattle stopped and I knew that she was dead.

She had been talking to her sister for days leading up to her death. My aunt died of liver cancer 11 years before. Also, she only spoke in Spanish, her native language. It was such an eerie, bizarre time and one that has completely changed who I am and how I look at existence.

by Anonymousreply 23011/20/2012

This is not the PETA boards, r229. But thanks for playing.

by Anonymousreply 23111/20/2012

Just a few times, sadly; but I do look forward to my upcoming opportunity with George H. W.

by Anonymousreply 23211/20/2012

I feel for you r230, I truly do. I was there for both of my parents at the end, and before that two close friends. You will never be the same, but you now have a much deeper understanding of life. Don't let it immobilize you. Go out and live.

by Anonymousreply 23311/20/2012

That happened with us, r202/207. My aunt, a wonderful woman, died much too young in her early 50s. Family and friends had all but moved into the waiting room on her floor for a week. And at night, her daughter, her fiancee, and/or her ex-husband were there, sleeping. That week, she wasn't alone in her room a single moment. In the hours leading up to her death, the day before, we sat there in rotations, silently and in the dark — so she would have no stimuli, no reason to wake up if the drugs weren't strong enough. And we watched her every labored breath with unbelievable suspense. (Was that the last one? No. Okay ... Was that the last one?) She died that night while everyone was asleep. I wondered if it was her choice, or if the nurse slipped in and upped the morphine while everyone was asleep. I wonder if they do that a lot, as a secret kindness. Either way, I had prayed that it would be as peaceful and non-traumatic for my cousin as it could be.

The next morning, I was one of a few people left to see her body and say goodbye. It is a remarkable thing -- to see the body of someone you love, without them being there. I do believe we each have a soul. Not for any logical reason. It's an innate feeling.

I miss my aunt very much. I don't know if I will ever get over the tragedy of her death at such a young age.

by Anonymousreply 23411/21/2012

My dad was a minister and he saw quite a few people die, but the one he always talked about was Baby Tommy. Tommy was sick from birth. He was probably just under two when he died. The night he died, both my parents were with he and his mother. Sadly, his father was on the road working. My parents say right before he died it seemed all the pain and sickness left him. They both said it sounded cliche, but they said he looked like a little angel. (And my mother is not sentimental like that) He looked so peaceful and they both felt guilty because they were happy for him that he finally out of pain. Of course, they didn't say that to the mother. I went to his funeral and I hadn't been to that many funerals, but I think I can safely say that a baby's funeral is one of the saddest things ever.


SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . . . . . . . . . . . When Benjamin finally dies as a baby, it really tore both of my parents up because they said it immediately reminded them of Baby Tommy.

by Anonymousreply 23511/21/2012

I think we need, as a society, to change our perceptions of death. It is natural and has been going on for millions of years. It's not a "bad" thing.

by Anonymousreply 23611/21/2012

R229, completely know what you're talking about. The light does go out of their eyes and you can very much see the difference.

by Anonymousreply 23711/22/2012

r34 - i disagree wholeheartedly.

by Anonymousreply 23811/26/2012

Just yesterday 5/3/13 my grandpa passed away a few hours after I left his apartment. He seemed so alert, much more than when he first came home from the hospital after his stroke. He was alot more responsive than normal and recognized people better. I wasnt there when he took his final breath but my step mom, his wife( my great grandma), my cousin, aunt, and grandma were. They said he woke up from his sleep and started breathing as if he was choking but there was nothing constricting his airways; so my step mom looked into his eyes with her flashlight iphone at and she said his eyes were glazed over and dialated. He continued to breathe heavily and non rhythmically untill he took his last breathe, and they knew he was gone. They are still today telling this story(only a day later) and each time they do they dont explain anything heavenly or spiritual like.

But ya never know r.i.p grandpa ;/

by Anonymousreply 23905/04/2013

We were on a trip with local seniors. We entered a gift shop after bird watching at a local beach. It was the third in our trip to four beaches to watch the wildlife. There was my Aunt Myself and my Uncle from my family. My Aunt never purchased anting of value with out our approval,so she had found a georgous pair of ear rings and shown them to me and I preceded to get my Uncle for his approval. He approached from her right side a asked 'Yes love what have you found.' She held them up for approval but as she did he slipped to the floor. She said his name no response. Then someone went to assist him Aunt said 'He went peacefully and happy as he wanted please let him have dignity now and she bent down kissed him for last time and he was gone. This was and forever will be the most peaceful passing I will ever witness. During this time the fest of the seniors formed a ring with their backs to my uncle to keep gawkers away extremely respectful. Out of respect for this the store owner asked all to please stay but outside. My Aunt cradled his head and the only time in 83 years I saw tears fall from her face onto his as if her love for him was flowing out her eyes onto his face. Parameds came she said please let him be it is as he would want they agreed. I was going to buy the earnings for her to have as keepsake store manager said please my smallest of cotrbutions to this woman is for you to please take the for her I did. She has them and the bow tie which he was never without in a special box for when her time arrives. My Aunt GOD bless her has now passed and as sh lies the she holds the box that I call her love of my Uncle box in her hands. Now they can Rome the vastness of heaven together...

by Anonymousreply 24005/10/2013

A friend who had been hospitalized for eight months. Continuing to get infections she asked the doctor to let her go. I was there they injected something into the line. We talked for a while. She closed her eyes. I held her hand until she flat-lined four hours later.

by Anonymousreply 24105/10/2013

I saw Patti LuPone in GYPSY. Most horrifying death I've ever witnessed.

by Anonymousreply 24305/29/2013

I watched my mom and cat die within a few months. It's been a great year.

by Anonymousreply 24405/29/2013

My BF's sister died one morning. Her favorite color was yellow. That morning, before we knew, the BF brought in a yellow candle in a glass and put it on top of the TV set for some reason. I watched as it slid off the top of the TV and crashed to the floor. The BF rushed back in. "What was that?" I told him the candle just slid off the TV. He looked at me like I was nuts.

20 minutes later the BF's Mom called and said the sister had died 20 minutes earlier.

by Anonymousreply 24505/29/2013

Doctor Jefferson Temple stole all my savings by promising to connect me to my dead loved ones. All he was ever able to contact was the neighbor's dead cat that I hated when it was alive!

Please write to to let him know what an unethical fraud he is!

Then contact the webmaster and report R242 and R246 for using DL to sell goods and services of a highly questionable nature.

Let me add that this post is a parody and that I intend no malice, harm, libel or slander toward any person or business.

by Anonymousreply 24705/29/2013

I was with my grandmother and mother when they passed on. Seen enough death to last a lifetime

by Anonymousreply 24805/29/2013

I was unexpectedly present when my Grandfather died. He had been under hospice care in his home for some time when we went to visit him in Florida. One day I ended up being the only one in the house with him so I sat by his bedside and talked to him. He had throat cancer and couldn't speak but he could smile and look at me. We were not very close but I did love him. He was on his back staring up at the ceiling not blinking very much. I paid him a compliment and he smiled and then I reassured him that we would all be fine and we would look after his girlfriend if he felt that he wanted to leave. His gaze came down from the ceiling to look at mine they went back up to the ceiling and something happened that I was not expecting nor had ever heard of as a possibility. A kind of column do white smoke shot out of the top of his head. I was shocked but knew he was gone. Then the so called death rattle began. I w sad he was gone but having seen what I had I felt something essential of him still existed somewhere. The next day I the hospice nurse came by and I pulled her aside to ask he about what had happened to me. She said that she had never seen it herself but the same thing had been reported to her by family members of other patients she had had. She told me that when she met me she thought that if it happened to anyone in our family it would happen to me.

I later found out that my grandfather had cut me out of his will but this experience was worth more than any amount he could have left me.

by Anonymousreply 25108/04/2013

I saw Barbra at The Hollywood Bowl.

by Anonymousreply 25309/01/2013

My partner died of AIDS related complications; he was in a hospital. I was there, and his family was there. He was on morphine, so his passing was gentle. It was his breathing slowing and then stopping sort of death.

I was important for us to be there - for him and us. For different reasons.

by Anonymousreply 25409/01/2013

We need to sign drjeffersontemple and all these other spammers up for every gay email newsletter that ever was.

by Anonymousreply 25509/01/2013

I'm the former Hospice worker who posted on this thread (r202, r207 etc). After seeing a number of patients die, sometimes there was a definite sense that their soul, for lack of a better word, was leaving. Other times, the person just ceased living.

Five weeks ago, I lost my beloved mother. Best mom ever, so I was really lucky in that regard. She was 87 and I took care of her for the last decade of her life. Mom died 15 hours after all meds were stopped and morphine started. It was low doses to help her breathing and keep her comfortable. She had COPD, so comfort was really important. It was the most peaceful death I've ever witnessed, and I held her hand for almost the entire time. Mom just slipped away quietly. Her respiration was down to 4-5 breaths per minute. Then her hand shook a little, and that was it.

After helping many grieving people go through this process, I'm finally experiencing it firsthand myself. God it sucks so much, and the pain is intense. You'll feel normal, then it hits you in a wave. Mostly, I just want her back so badly. In retrospect though, I see that she'd been readying herself to die for several months. Man I miss her.

by Anonymousreply 25609/01/2013

I watched my sister die earlier this year. She died from issues relating to liver disease.

She was only 56, she was 25 years older than me. I went to the hospital to see her and pick up my oldest sister, who had just returned from a trip to Canada.

My sister's husband, daughter and mother-in-law were there, as well as my oldest sister.

My dying sister had a really yellow pallor, and her head was tilted back and her jaw was open, and she just lay there breathing.

A few moments after I took a seat, my niece commented that my sister hadn't taken a breath in awhile. We wondered if she were still alive, but then we saw her swallowing. My niece and her dad rushed up to my sister and grabbed her and said, "It's okay, just let go, let go..."

And I thought, "Is this really happening? Or is this a false alarm?"

But she was dead. Later, I went to stroke her hand, and I thought, "It's not her, she can't feel anything."

I was glad I was with her when she died. Our dad had died a year earlier, and I arrived ten minutes too late.

Very stunning experiences.

by Anonymousreply 25709/01/2013

Meth stroke. He was very young. (For all the meth users out there: meth is necrotic - it eats arteries and blood vessel, so premature heart attack and stroke is how you will go. Why they don't put this on posters, I don't know.) After the hospital had done the cranial scan and told the parents there was no hope, it was agreed that he should die. Until then he had simply had a drip and a ventilator - just a tube resting in the mouth delivering extra oxygen. Twelve hours later he was well into crisis: I was shocked when I revisited the change: his skin grey and his chest heaving with big breathes as his body desperately sought to take in the extra oxygen his damaged brain needed. Of course, he'd been totally knocked out with morph, and no water was permitted to hasten death. Basically the equivalent of the Romans leaving the sick on the hill. A few hours later he was dead. I was staggered the difference a tiny little bit of extra air could make. But apparently the difference between life and death is a just a sliver of a percentage of oxygen. Sobering. The family were appreciative of the efforts of the staff, but privately I was enraged, and promised myself to write a letter to the head of the department afterwards. No effort had been made to cool his head and when I was there it was roasting with great beads of sweat. I had presumed stroke patients these days automatically receive cranial cooling to lesson damage in the first hours. Not a bit of it. In my letter I said that if stroke patients were as politicised as AIDS patients had been I wouldn't be writing the letter because the damned equipment and protocols would have been instituted years ago, instead of still winding their way through decades of duplicated patient trials etc etc. Anyway: don't plan on having a hemorrhagic stroke for at least 15 years, because you may as well be back in the 18th century if you do. I'm still angry today. I will never get over it. In someone so young I still think he may have had a chance if...

by Anonymousreply 25809/02/2013

R241, where do you live that the doctor was able to do this?

by Anonymousreply 25909/02/2013

[quote] I felt outraged by the other family members who sat down all over the place eating sandwiches and happilly chatting away not concerned at all at what we were really there for, it was a circus.

Something similar happened when my paternal grandfather died in 1997. I'm not close to my family so I didn't know he was sick and I certainly didn't know he'd been dying in the hospital for about a week.

So when I got the word, he had already died. The nurses sent me to his hospital room, which surprised me because he'd died hours before. I was thinking the family was in the chapel or something.

I walked into the room to see my two cousins standing on either side of his bed, both of them were stroking his ears. His body was still in the bed and like I said, he'd been dead for hours. My aunts and uncles were sitting there chatting and crying. There were jars and bags of body fluids around him, I don't even want to know what was in them.

They were in the room with the body for so long a nurse finally came in and said "we HAVE to take him to the morgue." The she holds up a disposable shroud and told us that we could shroud him or she'd do it. So the family decided to. That's when I left the room. I had gone to the hospital with some family friends, who, by the way were the ones who called to tell me he had died.

So that took about 15 minutes and when they came out everyone was crying. As we were leaving one of my paternal uncles and his wife showed up at the hospital. These two had been in a long-term spat with the uncles and aunts who had actually been in the hospital and two of my aunts got in a shouting match in the hallway of the hospital.

My friends took me out for lunch and I got shitfaced. It was fucking surreal.

by Anonymousreply 26009/02/2013

For anyone curious about what a death looks like, the death rattle sounds like etc, this documentary presented by Terry Pratchett aired in the UK a while back. It showed the assisted suicide of Peter Smedley at Dignitas in Switzerland.

It was a remarkably unremarkable death and his wife was suitably stoic throughout.

by Anonymousreply 26109/02/2013

Yes. It was meaningless, like life.

by Anonymousreply 26209/02/2013

I don't know, I watched that video and it was actually kind of creepy. Very Stepford. Did that guy have a terminal illness or Alzheimers or what? I did not read the backstory. They ALL seemed TOO "stoic" or "whatever." That stiff upper lip thing was just too much. Something very odd about it.

by Anonymousreply 26309/02/2013

R96 is right. I never dream about my mother. I was there when she died. She did go cold. Whether she knew I was there or not I don't know. I do know that by kismet her nurse was Catholic and they started praying together before she died. She loved praying. Glad she was doing what she loved even though that may seem irrational to some. Death is a movement in time. If we exist in a different time after we die fine. If we don't fine as well. Watching my mother die was both beautiful and ugly. It was a great moment for both of us. All the rest is just talk.

by Anonymousreply 26409/02/2013

I have been a nurse for over 20 years and have attended a number of deaths.

I have looked for signs of souls leaving and have witnessed nada. I am increasingly sure that dead is dead and there is nothing after that.

Don't fear the reaper: There are many things worse than dying.

by Anonymousreply 26509/02/2013

- death is an illusion, as the human body is just an enclosure, a vehicle for the evolution of our Divine Superior Self in dense levels of dimensionality such here.

- levels of dimensions are like tv channels, each channel contains an unique energetic frequence.

- when a person die, he doesn't become an angel. We take with us all our fears, angries, all our negatives aspects. If a person is, let's say, a drug addict, when he dies he will remain wanting drugs.

by Anonymousreply 26609/02/2013

Your grandma told me you're a pain in the ass R266.

by Anonymousreply 26709/03/2013

For more information, watch The Ghost Inside My Child on the Bio Channel.

by Anonymousreply 26809/03/2013

I knew a 31-year-old who woke up one day needing a complete liver. It began with an ass bleed. The emergency room treated him for hemorrhoids but hemorrhoids had nothing to do with it. Because he drank, he was not eligible for a transplant. They checked him into hospice on a Friday and told him he had one week. He looked and acted normal on Fri, Sat and Sun. By Monday, his skin was dark jaundice, he lost control of his eye muscles (involuntary eye rolling) and he could barely speak coherently. He was dead by Wednesday. I can honestly say his death didn't bother me much. The guy was a complete psychopath.

by Anonymousreply 26909/03/2013

r266 Really? Did you think that up after smoking some real primo shit? You're a fucking stupid shit, You know that, right?

by Anonymousreply 27009/03/2013

My bf was on a respirator due to respiratory failure at the end of a five year cancer battle. He was kept sedated. I kept vigil and on the eighth day the nurse told me "it will be soon now". I watched his heart rate slow with my hand on his chest, and finally stop. I left the bedside after a bit while the nurse removed all the tubes and things at my request. Then I came back in.

His eyes were light green in life, they seemed colorless. The thing that struck me was how huge and almost block like he looked. Without the life spark,he seemed like a stranger.

by Anonymousreply 27109/03/2013

I heard the death rattle as an older relative, seriously ill, died in her sickbed. Honestly, it looked like a Vermeer painting, her daughters and nieces by her side. She just seemed to fall asleep.

Someone very dear to me, with no warning. She had odd look, suddenly sat down, just looked at me like she was disoriented, stunned, or in shock, said "I'll be OK, just need a minute", but her voice...I was in a blind panic and in shock, but I could see it in her eyes. We were looking at each other, bewildered, and one instant I was looking into her eyes, and the's as though she was alive in one heartbeat, and the next...I saw -her- eyes, I could see -her-, and then... Whatever life is, it wasn't there, in a heartbeat. I didn't sense a soul leaving, but it was so fast and I was shellshocked...but I'll see her eyes until I die.

This thread was the first I've heard of not dreaming of those you see die. True for me.

All I know know is that life is fleeting, the difference between a body that's alive and one which life has left is one heartbeat.

That losing someone you love is unimaginably worse than you can imagine, even all these years later.

That mourning can feel like your dying one year, and like your numb for many years.

That some part of me died then as well, my young self, and that own death doesn't concern me at all, save for feeling bad about those who'll survive me, and might miss me.

The only small grace is that she wasn't alone, for I can't bear to think of how scared and shocked she was at knowing something catastrophic was happening.

There are those who live, and those who have lived. It's comforting to know that you continue loving those we lose, but what happens when life stops is a mystery, and that's for the best.

by Anonymousreply 27209/03/2013

"You're", that is.

by Anonymousreply 27309/03/2013

We don't burn you for a "B".

by Anonymousreply 27409/03/2013

So glad the compulsive and creepy "no one remembers he dead" poster has finally taken his leave of us. Hopefully he is dead and forgotten.

by Anonymousreply 27509/03/2013

My mother lingered in a care home, complaining the whole time. I finally had had enough and told her, "Oh for God's sake, just DIE!"

She died.

by Anonymousreply 27609/03/2013

What about the "surge"? my older sister died of pancreatic cancer. Had been mostly sleeping, and then one night she asked my sister to take her outside. She was laughing, and talking about coloring her hair. She died the next morning. My sister said she seemed like her old self, like she wasn't even sick. God I miss her.

by Anonymousreply 27709/03/2013

Do the Bitches on Bravo count?

by Anonymousreply 27809/03/2013

r256, I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are in. It will get easier, it just takes time.

My Mom died of a heart attack while she was in the hospital for anemia (they gave her a transfusion). She turned grey while she was having the heart attack. She was a DNR, but they asked me anyway if I wanted them to do CPR. She was able to tell them to let her go.

I had time to get my brother on the phone and she told him she loved him and that he had been a good son. She told me I had been a good daughter. She was squeezing the hand of my niece. Then she just stopped breathing. She went out with such class. There was really nothing that seemed to have left her, she just died.

I was in shock, I thought I was going to be bringing her home the next day.

I drove her elderly spaniel 2,000 miles to my house, I didn't think the dog would survive a flight. A week later it was Christmas and I had to open the gifts my Mom had sent me. It was so heart breaking.

My Mom was an incredibly kind, giving and loving person and had the best sense of humor. It's been over three years and I miss her every day.

by Anonymousreply 27909/03/2013

R277, I've witnessed the "surge" so many times. Patients in significant decline for several weeks suddenly get frisky, talkative, and hungry for food. That's one way we knew they would die very soon.

R279, thanks for your warm words. I'm sorry for your loss as well. I hear that these profound losses change us permanently. Hopefully for the better.

I'm grateful for the Hospice experience I'd had. I can't imagine witnessing Mom's death and having had no idea what to look for, and not understanding the changes that occur as death gets closer. I only hope that the nurses and doctors are there for families and loved ones who are new to this process. People-- especially medical personnel-- need to be more open and honest about death. Dying isn't a failure. The failure comes in the way we treat the dying. As I mentioned way upthread, I've seen family members get in physical fights in their dying parent or sibling's room. Heard two sisters arguing loudly about which one of them mom loved more, and I could tell that their mother could hear them clearly as they fought. It's sickening.

by Anonymousreply 28009/03/2013

I want too. I would think watching someone die would be fun but never got the chance to see anyone die:(

by Anonymousreply 28111/06/2013

I watched my partner die I was with him all night and his breathing was fast all nite and then slowed down and I watched the color drain first from his ears then his nose was freezing cold he was terminally ill but when he took his last breath he opened his eyes wide and stared at me I think to myself I hope he saw me there laying beside him holding him I after he passed I slept beside him for 3 solid hours before the dr arrived I was blessed so much to be able to do that I would not of wanted it any other way ,,,

by Anonymousreply 28212/29/2013

I'm sorry to hear that, R282. How old was he and what did he die from?

by Anonymousreply 28312/29/2013


It's a misprint!

by Anonymousreply 28412/29/2013

About eleven weeks ago I was with my mother for her last fourteen hours.

Her passing was a great shock. She'd been infirm, but had a fair quality of life. That dreadful Saturday brought a paramedic, an ambulance, a possible operation, then her physical crash. All the medics could do was make her comfortable.

I held her hand and head and said the gentlest words I could. She was fairly comfortable, and still being charming to the medics close to the end.

Her actual passing was a struggle. At the end she looked like a warrior who'd fought the bravest possible battle. All the lines of stress on her face had gone, and her stillness was profound.

I thank God I was with her. I don't fear death, and part of me wanted to go too. At a stroke, a large percentage of life seemed trivial to me.

I miss her very much, and always will. There are questions I'd never asked, to my shame. Like I said, she had a fair quality of life, and had realistic plans. The family plausibly looked forward to her eightieth.

I've dreamed about her glancingly, twice. Early days, I suppose.

by Anonymousreply 28512/30/2013

R49 no it's not. It's a cute pseudointellectual poem, and I'm not buying it. While I don't believe in heaven or any of that, the best we can come up wit is "we don't know". It is comforting that we will all find out together. Celebrities, animals, aliens; well all see the end, which could just be a transition.

I've seen a lady get run over by a truck, truly desensitized me. She was decapitated, the scream sound, everything was discusting and horrifying.

A toddler got run over by a rail and the mother saw it with her own eyes and didn't do anything about it. I'm still in denial.

A man was literally twisted in half by a cement truck. He wasn't wearing helmet or anything. Again like 55% of people commute using overcrowded scooters.

Oh, and these all happened on my 3 week trip to india.

by Anonymousreply 28604/29/2014

R286 That's terribly disturbing! Is India really the cesspool you make it to be?

by Anonymousreply 28705/08/2014

I've never seen a mo' of faith before. It's like seeing a unicorn here in Europe!

by Anonymousreply 28805/08/2014

Only jumping from the flames of the World Trade Center.

by Anonymousreply 28905/08/2014

I did. I watched my 100 year old grandma passed away. It's very different than what is portrayed on film.

by Anonymousreply 29005/08/2014

[quote]My grandmother thought she was hosting a dinner party or something, in the days before she died.

My father did this just before he died last December. He gave instructions to go out and order food for all his guests that had arrived. He knew the restaurant he wanted to order from, and seemed quite happy to be hosting a party. He died a day or two later. My sister didn't say anything about his soul leaving his body. She said he just "looked dead."

by Anonymousreply 29105/08/2014

I was in the room with my mother when she died a few months ago. Her breathing slowed and then it was over. I wish I could say that she looked different . . . at peace or something like that. She had been unconscious so she looked the same.

by Anonymousreply 29205/09/2014
Need more help? Click Here.

Follow theDL catch up on what you missed

recent threads by topic delivered to your email

follow popular threads on twitter

follow us on facebook

Become a contributor - post when you want with no ads!