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Funeral Etiquette

I recently got a call from a friend I had not seen in five years and spoken to about twice a year, over the past five. His father had passed and he was calling to let me know about the funeral. I am in New York and the funeral is in Los Angeles. Not to sound like a horrible person, but the days of jumping on a plane are just not what they used to be. Plus I would have to take off work. So my question is - if the person has family and a partner, is it cold for me to feel like I don't need to attend.


by Anonymousreply 3003/03/2013

Of course not. You're not family or even a particularly close friend. Send a card. Flowers or donation to a charity, if you're feeling particularly generous.

by Anonymousreply 101/28/2011

OP= Gloria Vanderbilt, overseeing one of her sweatshops

by Anonymousreply 201/28/2011

OP, a sympathy card is sufficient. No, you should absolutely not fly across the country for this.

by Anonymousreply 301/28/2011

Was the father hot?

by Anonymousreply 401/28/2011

OP, I honestly don't think you need to attend.

My sister and I started discussing plans for my mother's funeral last night. We got the terminal diagnoses yesterday. I have no expectation that any of my friends who are scattered all over the country, many who I haven't seen in a few years to attend her funeral.

I'm torn about calling the couple of friends who still live in my hometown to let them know what's going on since we've not been in touch in a few years since I'm not on the opposite side of the country.

by Anonymousreply 501/28/2011

Go to St Malachy's Church, 239 West 49th Street, and ask for a Mass Card and a blowjob. It's known as "The Actors' Chapel."%0D

by Anonymousreply 601/28/2011

You know the father died just to inconvenience you, don't you?

by Anonymousreply 701/28/2011

I think it's a natural part of grief to want to tell everyone you know that someone close to you has died.%0D %0D A sympathy card should be sufficient to show you "care" although, you patently don't in this instance otherwise you would not be posing your question here.%0D %0D Alternatively, and if you really want to push the boat out, 'Interflora' (or the USA equivalent) is invaluable in circumstances such as these - they'll even write the card for you.%0D %0D %0D %0D %0D %0D %0D

by Anonymousreply 801/28/2011

R8, you are RUDE. Just because the OP does not want to drop everything including work and fly across the country does not mean that he does not care.%0D %0D Also, flying across the country costs fairly big money. Why should the OP automatically be expected to shell out $500 or $1000 (because it is such short notice) for a plane flight?%0D %0D R8, you really are a crummy person.

by Anonymousreply 901/28/2011

Considering the relationship you have/had with this person there is certainly no need for you to attend a funeral all the way across the country. If your friend has a mature attitude I'm sure he does not expect you to attend. Flowers or a donation to a proper charity in the deceased's name would be appropriate. I much prefer making charitable donations in these circumstances as I believe spending money on flowers is a complete waste of money. If you do buy flowers at least buy something that is still alive that your friend can plant in the yard as a tribute to his father.

by Anonymousreply 1001/28/2011

I really don't understand, OP. Why would you even ask? If you are truly perplexed, I can't imagine how you make your way through life unassisted.%0D %0D Seriously.

by Anonymousreply 1101/28/2011

[quote][[R8]], you are RUDE. Just because the OP does not want to drop everything including work and fly across the country does not mean that he does not care.

Oh please. OP is making this all about himself.

by Anonymousreply 1201/28/2011

I am with R11--can OP even tie his shoes?

by Anonymousreply 1301/28/2011

I hate it when people say "passed" instead of DIED. Makes it sound like the deceased went out with a giant fart heard round the world.

by Anonymousreply 1401/28/2011

The first time I heard "passed" was from a black woman at my job born in Georgia. Must be a cultural or Southern thing.

by Anonymousreply 1503/02/2013

Can I send a Mass Card to a family whose deceased wasn't Catholic?

by Anonymousreply 1603/02/2013

He reached out to let you know and have you share kind words. If he expects you to fly to LA, then he is as crazy as you for posting such a lame ass thread.

by Anonymousreply 1703/02/2013

OP, based on the description you've provided of your relationship with this person there is absolutely no need for you to attend the funeral. Order some flowers and I'm sure your friend will much appreciate the effort.

by Anonymousreply 1803/02/2013

I agree, r14.

Someone dies, not "passes. " I won't use the term.

by Anonymousreply 1903/02/2013

When people die, they don't pass; they fail.

R4, if you hurry, rigor mortis might have set in.

by Anonymousreply 2003/02/2013

Really, R15? Two years?

by Anonymousreply 2103/02/2013


by Anonymousreply 2203/02/2013

I'm in NYC and my friend is in FL. When his mother passed away last year I couldn't attend the wake or the funeral. However I did send a mass card and I ordered an arrangement of flowers to be sent to the funeral home. The flowers were beautiful (he sent me a pic of them) and my friend appreciated that I sent them even though I couldn't attend.

So in answer to your question, no, you shouldn't fly across the country to attend the funeral. Just call a place like 1800-Flowers or ProFlowers and have them send a floral arrangement to the funeral home out there. They send flowers anywhere in the country. I'm sure your friend will appreciate the gesture.

by Anonymousreply 2303/02/2013

I've never felt compelled to attend any personal function, but I'm always glad to hear about it so I can offer support. Everyone is different; some people invite 350 people to their wedding, which I never understood.

Who knows, maybe you would be in LA at the time of his funeral.

My dad died last year and the letters I received -- that I read when I had some time -- were very sincere and helpful. Several learned about his death from other friends whom I encouraged to spread the word because it was hard for me to talk about it.

I offer immediate condolences/ congratulations usually in the format I learned about an event, and make a charitable contribution in lieu of attending.

by Anonymousreply 2403/02/2013

Well, not pro flowers or 1800flowers. Lousy flowers. Call the funeral home and ask for local florist recommendations.

by Anonymousreply 2503/02/2013

OFGS, what a stupid question. YES, OP, you must drop everytrhing to fly3000 miles to attend the funeral of a person you once knew for a person you once knew, for one hour.

Make sure to buy a return ticket for that same afternoon!

THAT'S the trouper!

by Anonymousreply 2603/02/2013

Actually the floral arrangments from ProFlowers are beautiful. I've used them several times to send flowers for different occasions. But that's a great suggestion as well, r25.

by Anonymousreply 2703/02/2013

Pass Bart Pass

by Anonymousreply 2803/02/2013

Many funeral homes now offer online streaming of the wake and service.

by Anonymousreply 2903/03/2013

OP, have you ever entertain the possibility that now his controlling father has passed away, your friend may finally reveal his decade long secret love for you?

This is your chance to ride together into the California sunset.

by Anonymousreply 3003/03/2013
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