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Sows at the trough

Well, it is has happened again at our office: a sales rep came in with a shopping bag of bagels and cream cheese, and four or five of the heifer clerks that work here heaved their fat asses out of their chairs and huffed into that break room like it was the last food on earth! Never mind that they have no interaction with any of the vendors anyway and are in no position to discuss any type of business. But they sure can shove cream cheese into their fat pie holes!

Me? I sat sedately at my desk, sipping my black coffee, waiting for the rep to approach me. It is too embarassing to be in there with those rutting pigs.

--Anonymous
replies 847Sep 19, 2006 7:18 AM +00:00

You've described any office in any city in the U.S., OP. What else is new?

--Anonymous
replies 1Sep 19, 2006 7:21 AM +00:00

You're mean.

--Anonymous
replies 2Sep 19, 2006 7:21 AM +00:00

Food in the office often brings out the worst in people.

--Anonymous
replies 3Sep 19, 2006 7:23 AM +00:00

OP may be mean, R2, but OP is also right.

--Anonymous
replies 4Sep 19, 2006 7:23 AM +00:00

There is a pig in my office that actually keeps a roll of ALUMINUM FOIL in her desk drawer, so she can grab "extras" to take home...this before everyone in the office has even had a chance to come through.

Once when she was away from her desk I used her stapler to squash the foil packet she had wrapped up.

--Anonymous
replies 5Sep 19, 2006 7:26 AM +00:00

grow up

--Anonymous
replies 6Sep 19, 2006 7:26 AM +00:00

Why do people eat that stuff, anyway? I'd take in a veggie tray. They probably wouldn't touch it.

--Anonymous
replies 7Sep 19, 2006 7:28 AM +00:00

OP may be mean but it's so predictable to watch fat-fat-fatties suddenly burn calories and MOVE THEIR ASSES when the free food shows up.

--They Want Their Share!
replies 8Sep 19, 2006 7:28 AM +00:00

Wow this must make you feel really superior, OP.

--Anonymous
replies 9Sep 19, 2006 7:29 AM +00:00

OP hit a nail on the head for me. In my office we have several sows but we have one main one who coordinates/organizes rep lunchoens and morning presentations and keeps track of which rep brings what to eat and makes damn sure that the reps that bring the good luncheons/food come back quarterly to show new product. As a joke another woman sent out an email on a Monday saying a new rep was coming with Sprinkles cup cakes at 2 PM on Thursday and you would have thought the main sow had died and gone to heaven. Thursday came and went with no new rep and no cup cakes. It was fun watching this pig watching the clock and door to our suite.

--Anonymous
replies 10Sep 19, 2006 7:32 AM +00:00

I could be one of those "sows at the trough" you just described, OP, and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm contracted through a nonprofit agency and I work with jerks who ignore me on a regular basis. A couple of people are friendly but for the most part if you don't have a direct professional relationship with them, they treat you like dirt. I've learned to treat them the same way. I eat at all their luncheons even though I'm not invited and use up all their supplies.

--Anonymous
replies 11Sep 19, 2006 7:33 AM +00:00

Me? I sat sedately at my desk, sipping my black coffee, waiting for the rep to approach me. It is too embarassing to be in there with those rutting pigs.

OH MY GOD! Aren't you just the bestest little boy in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD! So polite and proper! We're all so very impressed with you!

--ZZZZZZZzzzzz
replies 12Sep 19, 2006 7:33 AM +00:00

I dread the approach of the holidays this year. My office has banned Christmas gifts because of the behavior exhibited by these piglets last year. When a Harry and David box showed up, it was sow warfare!

--Anonymous
replies 13Sep 19, 2006 7:36 AM +00:00

OP, I think the pigs are getting angry at you here.

--Anonymous
replies 14Sep 19, 2006 7:37 AM +00:00

OP doesn't want to be seen as polite and proper, r12, he just wants to be seen as thin.

Extremely thin.

--Anonymous
replies 15Sep 19, 2006 7:37 AM +00:00

Just last week, a vendor came into our office and brought three boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts and you'd best believe that the sloth outside my office just sprinted like gazelles just to get first dibs.

--mortified
replies 16Sep 19, 2006 7:39 AM +00:00

Come, sit beside me, OP. I never understand the shameless displays that "free food" engenders. Outisde the office, budget buffets (any buffets, really) and some people's holiday meals have the same effect on me: the more gluttony around me, the more it puts me off my food.

--Anonymous
replies 17Sep 19, 2006 7:46 AM +00:00

Sorry, but I am with the OP here. We had the same problem last year at Christmas. None of these women are poor or deprived in any way, yet I was forced to mediate the fight over the little jelly jars that came in a gift basket. It was ridiculous. I think it's because it's free that they behave this way.

--Fed Up Mgr
replies 18Sep 19, 2006 7:49 AM +00:00

The other side of the coin is office xmas parties where the low paid "heifer clerks" are the ones who bring in the food and the smug superior assholes like r1 who make twice as much don't lift a finger to do anything but help themselves to food they're too cheap to help pay for.

--Anonymous
replies 19Sep 19, 2006 7:54 AM +00:00

This is the first office I've worked where no one is obese. When sales reps send us stuff or when there are leftovers from luncheons, people pick at it throughout the day but there is no stampede.

--Anonymous
replies 20Sep 19, 2006 7:55 AM +00:00

You must be a joy around the office OP. I'm sure your contempt about all things is palpable.

--Anonymous
replies 21Sep 19, 2006 7:58 AM +00:00

OP here...thank you R17, and the other supporters. I have the same reaction. I have to do business with these people, and it is truly embarrassing to try to gloss over this behavior. You would think these women would have some self respect; the fattest one this morning was slathering on the cream cheese, while her polyester slacks were groaning at the seams. Nauseating.

--Anonymous
replies 22Sep 19, 2006 8:04 AM +00:00

I worked at a place where the arrival in the lunch room of leftover sandwich platters from sales luncheons held hours earlier was heralded by e-mail and voicemail. The stampede was as though someone had thrown handfulls of rupees to the street urchins of Bangladesh. And all this for a ring of lettuce leaves with the odd radish curl or splat of stray mayonnaise (having seen them whisked in with great ceremony, as if a bride's dowry.) It wasn't a place of especially fat salaries, but the display was shameful in the extreme, from the bother to announce such a pittance to the mad rush to get to it. No dignity whatsoever.

I'll happily work alongside the OP, but not with r12, r15, or r19.

--Anonymous
replies 23Sep 19, 2006 8:06 AM +00:00

(((sniffing)))

Oh, I love the smell of misogyny in the morning!

--Anonymous
replies 24Sep 19, 2006 8:06 AM +00:00

An Indian friend of mine once said "You should never eatwith people you don't like." I think that's good advice. At meetings I watch my cloddish co-workers chowing down in public on gross, greasy food, talking with their mouths full. "You never bring your lunch to the meetings," one openly chided me as though I were doing something wrong. I just smiled...

--Anonymous
replies 25Sep 19, 2006 8:08 AM +00:00

The two hogs that sit outside my cubicle drive me nuts because every morning about 9:30 they start talking about where they want to go to lunch that day. Will it be Taco Bell, or Q'Doba Mexican Grill? The Chinese place down the street or pizza? If one of them has a two for one coupon they act like they won the lottery.

The afternoon is then spent talking about the lunch, and God forbid something go wrong with their order! I have heard "I didn't get my fries!" more times than I can count.

--Anonymous
replies 26Sep 19, 2006 8:09 AM +00:00

Our office is practically the opposite. Work in a small office in Hollywood. Everyone is so weight-conscious here, that when food is sent as a gift or somebody brings in baked goods from home, we groan at the new temptation, creep toward the kitchen and then shamefully bring a piece back to our desks. Anyone who dares get seconds is risking their reputation, and immediately must say "Boy, I'll be working extra hard at the gym tonight!" Seriously. I brought in some mini bagels (carbs!) with lite cream cheese last week and there is about half a bag left.

--Anonymous
replies 27Sep 19, 2006 8:10 AM +00:00

Gee OP, you're not the stereotypical embittered manorexic queen. No. Not at all.

--Anonymous
replies 28Sep 19, 2006 8:10 AM +00:00

She was probably a size 10, r22.

--Anonymous
replies 29Sep 19, 2006 8:12 AM +00:00

Sniff a bit harder, R24..{{{sniff}}} and reality might waft through, if it doesn't bite you in your fat ass first. This kind of thing is not necessarily limited to gender.

--Anonymous
replies 30Sep 19, 2006 8:12 AM +00:00

I have worked in offices for about 10 years and I have never been to an in house Xmas party that wasn't catered and paid for by management. I'm now in Manhattan but for a while there I worked in New Jersey (don't ask) and the folks over there live in their cars -- very inactive -- and seem to live on fast food and chicken parmesan. I never saw so many HUGE people in one place in my life. It's definitely a different culture.

--Anonymous
replies 31Sep 19, 2006 8:13 AM +00:00

I work at a group home for PLWHIV/AIDS. I was at our main office for a staff meeting.

A donor brought by several boxes of home-baked cookies/candies and our executive director said to take them into the staff meeting. Office staff munched during the meeting.

When the meeting ended, I needed to get back to my program. They asked me to take the leftovers back to the home for the residents. However, I waited while the office staff got plates and platters for extras. I left without them and one of the case managers brought the 'sloppy seconds' by later.

I wonder what the person who lovingly baked all those items would think. I know what I think.

--Anonymous
replies 32Sep 19, 2006 8:13 AM +00:00

I can relate to the OP. I always rush to the internet to regale strangers with tales of my unbridled superiority to "the masses". I think I should be an inspiration to so many others; the least I can do is share my superior status with the world and try to "lead by example".

--Snooty McSnottypants
replies 33Sep 19, 2006 8:13 AM +00:00

Thank you, R25...I was treated the same way when I demurred at the "chili cook off" that my office was forced to participate in. I would rather lick out a toilet bowl than ingest some of the diarrheal slime that I witnessed in these crock pots.

--Anonymous
replies 34Sep 19, 2006 8:15 AM +00:00

I manage a group home for PLWHIV/AIDS. A month ago, I attended a main office staff meeting. Apparently, a donor dropped off boxes of homemade pastries, cookies and candies.

The executive director said to take the goodies into the staff meeting. The office staff grazed during the meeting.

After the meeting, I was asked to take the goodies back to the house for the residents (a novel idea). I was busy and needed to leave. The bovine vultures swooped in with plates and platters for later consumption.

I left in disgust and a case mgr brought the remaining leftovers to the residents later.

I wonder what the donor would think. I know what I think.

Sad and shameless.

--Anonymous
replies 35Sep 19, 2006 8:19 AM +00:00

OP you may be a slender thing, but the inside? Rotten to the core.

Isn't it time for you to purge?

--Anonymous
replies 36Sep 19, 2006 8:20 AM +00:00

oops, didn't know r32 went through, sorry

--r35
replies 37Sep 19, 2006 8:21 AM +00:00

I'm very Victorian about food, and think it best not discussed, at least at length and in the particulars. I'll compliment someone on a lovely meal, issue a general "delicious," etc. but try to emphasise my gratitude toward the hosts, not toward some particular dish. By and large, the fine points of lip-smacking and "oh my god, what's in this?", etc. are best reserved for home settings with family or close intimates.

In a work setting, it drives me nuts when people bring in week old moo-goo-gai-pan or barbequed catfish or refried beans or some other odiferous foods and cook them up to the stinking point in a company microwave, befouling the whole closed environment for hours. It's revolting for other to have to suffer through one co-workers yen for a reheated eggplant parmesan at 9.35 in the morning. Sorry, hot foods have no place in an office setting, smelly sandwiches and burgers included.

--Anonymous
replies 38Sep 19, 2006 8:22 AM +00:00

I wonder what the person who lovingly baked all those items would think. I know what I think.

Um, I've "lovingly baked" things for the office staff, and was always pleased that everyone enjoyed them so much. Then again I don't hate my co-workers or need to feel superior to them to feel good about myself, so maybe that's where the similarity ends.

--Anonymous
replies 39Sep 19, 2006 8:23 AM +00:00

r39, I believe that is called missing the fucking point. The poster is saying that the donor likely intended them to go to the clients of the charity, not the office staff of either sex.

--Anonymous
replies 40Sep 19, 2006 8:27 AM +00:00

I wonder what the person who lovingly baked all those items would think. I know what I think.

Um, I've "lovingly baked" things for the office staff, and was always pleased that everyone enjoyed them so much. Then again I don't hate my co-workers or need to feel superior to them to feel good about myself, so maybe that's where the similarity ends.

Ummmmm, my point is that the goodies were made for the people with HIV, not the office staff. The office staff ate the food intended for the clients.

--Anonymous
replies 41Sep 19, 2006 8:27 AM +00:00

The same behavior is exhibited by people of every race, economic group and gender. I've been a clerk but never felt the need to scarf down a lot of food simply because it was free but I've seen very wealthy men act like free food was the best thing in the world, even if it was rather bland and tasteless. I think op is a creepy idiot who has nothing better to do than pass judgments.

--Anonymous
replies 42Sep 19, 2006 8:32 AM +00:00

R26...I never would have thought it of you.

--One of the two hogs outside your cublicle
replies 43Sep 19, 2006 8:35 AM +00:00

R27 - I work in an office just like that. We're small, and everyone watches their diets. Our receptionist lost 70 lbs. on Weight Watchers several years ago and has kept it off. Out of our senior partners, one is thin, but is diabetic so doesn't eat junk. My boss works out with a trainer three times a week (goes to the gym nightly as well). One of our vendors brought in two boxes of Krispy Kremes. One box ended up being tossed three days later because it was untouched and getting stale. For staff birthday parties, the birthday person gets to choose their "treat". I think we've had more gourmet fruit plates ordered then cakes.

OP � I�ve seen people act that way. That law firms I used to work at were the worst. It was like vultures. And the men (especially the young male associates) were far, FAR worse then any of the women. They�d use the �I�m staying late tonight� excuse to run off with four sandwiches.

--Anonymous
replies 44Sep 19, 2006 8:35 AM +00:00

I love threads like this and while it may seem like the OP is being petty, if you work in an office ANYWHERE, you know it's true..

And, sorry ladies, but it's the women who're the absolute worst with it. The straight women. And the older and fatter they are, the more obnoxious they are. Something about office environments brings that out.

It's always the hausfrau who takes it upon herself to bring the good leftovers home, especially the birthday cakes or the good food from an office party.

And it's the little mincing straight girls who try to coordinate it all; they'd be damned if they heaved a box of copier paper to the printer or did anything that caused actual physical work, but they're always ALL too ready to be the ones in charge of deciding how things are decorated or the details of any office gathering.

And screw everybody else, females are going to get their food if it kills everybody else.

I have no use for them.

--Anonymous
replies 45Sep 19, 2006 8:36 AM +00:00

R9 and R6 are fine examples of the lady office chubs who troll DL during the day.

If you can't take the heat bitches, leave us alone!

--Anonymous
replies 46Sep 19, 2006 8:38 AM +00:00

I'm always shocked at what some people will eat.

--Anonymous
replies 47Sep 19, 2006 8:41 AM +00:00

Get her!

--Anonymous
replies 48Sep 19, 2006 8:41 AM +00:00

I'm curious why threads like this bring out the bitching from people taking issue with the OP's point...

He/she is venting and posting office gossip. What is it about people discussing gluttonous office workers that make some of you so angry, unless, of course.........

--Anonymous
replies 49Sep 19, 2006 8:41 AM +00:00

Don't be too hard on them, OP. Those women need the extra sugar and calories in order to race out to get the new Clay Aiken CD today.

--Anonymous
replies 50Sep 19, 2006 8:43 AM +00:00

R44, I think you're full of bullshit and simply trying to make a point.

I've been in office environments for 10 years myself and consult, which means I'm in a different setting every six months.

It is consistently the women, not that it matters, but it is.

It's okay to generalize men on plenty of things. This one however, the ladies have to own.

I don't think I've ever seen a guy in the office, especially not a young guy, who seemed to make it a competition to see how much of the office food he could stuff in his gut or wrap-up and take home.

--Anonymous
replies 51Sep 19, 2006 8:44 AM +00:00

"r39, I believe that is called missing the fucking point. The poster is saying that the donor likely intended them to go to the clients of the charity, not the office staff of either sex."

Well shouldn't the point have been for the executive director to have given the treats to the clients in the first place, not the office staff.

--Anonymous
replies 52Sep 19, 2006 8:47 AM +00:00

Most of the 'fraus who take stuff home are doing it so they don't have to cook for mr. fatty and the chubs when they get home.

--Anonymous
replies 53Sep 19, 2006 8:50 AM +00:00

R51 - okaaaay. I'm full of bullshit? Yes, I've seen women do it. I've contracted for 16 years myself and have almost 500 companies under my belt. In corporations, yes, its the women. In law firms, it was the men. If you actually read my post, I was specifically talking about lawyers.

Please learn to read more carefully before you jump down someone's throat.

--Anonymous
replies 54Sep 19, 2006 8:50 AM +00:00

Yes this is lame, but we had a sales contest and the winning team got Olive Garden catered for free. Our company seldom offers any freebies so this was kind of a big deal (yes I know DL has disdain for Olive Garden, but bear with me here). Our team won and we purposely set up tables for the catering in the back of the building so we wouldn't be eating in front of the others (didn't want to rub it in plus wanted to keep the sows OP refers to at bay).

Wouldn't you know the same heiffers who are first in line for any free food came back to where we were eating making comments about how good the food smelled, looked, etc. So my dumbass boss lets them take some of the food. Do they take small portions...NO they piled their plates high. So some of the people who had won and earned the food some of them didn't even get some of the stuff because we ran out. I know this sounds petty & silly, but when the food is a prize the heiffers should have not been allowed to feed at the trough.

--This is true, Not an EST
replies 55Sep 19, 2006 8:52 AM +00:00

>>>I was forced to mediate the fight over the little jelly jars that came in a gift basket. It was ridiculous. I think it's because it's free that they behave this way.

Bingo. It's not just women and it's not just fat people. If it's free, no matter how mediocre or stale or ugly, SOMEBODY wants it because it's free. It's such a quintessentially grabby American GIMME GIMME GIMME habit.

--Anonymous
replies 56Sep 19, 2006 8:53 AM +00:00

I've only worked a few corporate jobs, but in each of them free food has made well-paid, well-fed employees act as though they hadn't had access to food in weeks.

In my experience, both men and women get piggy, but the women are more likely to make plates to bring home.

That said, I'm the biggest office piggy on the rare occasion that free cocktails are available.

--Anonymous
replies 57Sep 19, 2006 8:53 AM +00:00

What R52 said.

I manage a group home for PLWHIV/AIDS. A month ago, I attended a main office staff meeting. Apparently, a donor dropped off boxes of homemade pastries, cookies and candies.

The executive director said to take the goodies into the staff meeting. The office staff grazed during the meeting.

At what point was it stated that the goodies were for the clients?

The fault is with the executive director for bringing them to the staff meeting in the first place.

--R39
replies 58Sep 19, 2006 8:58 AM +00:00

THAT pisses me off, too, r55. People who had done the WORK to win the PRIZE couldn't eat because someone else took their food.

I'm not greedy but if I've worked for something and someone else TAKES it - THAT makes me mad.

You stupid bitches didn't have what it takes to WIN so you don't get the PRIZE.

--Anonymous
replies 59Sep 19, 2006 8:59 AM +00:00

I agree, R17.

--Anonymous
replies 60Sep 19, 2006 9:02 AM +00:00

"I'm curious why threads like this bring out the bitching from people taking issue with the OP's point..."

OPs like this are looking for some sort of validation that thinking like a judgemental asshole is somehow okay. It's not and if their conscience isn't going to tell them they're being a jerk. Someone here will.

No, I'm not like the people the OP describes and I have on occasion thought, "Man people, have some dignity." but then I realize that I have my issues too and let it go without indulging in contempt.

--Anonymous
replies 61Sep 19, 2006 9:09 AM +00:00

I think the excitement comes from not having to cook or schlepp one's lunch to the office.

At least that's why I used to look forward to catered lunches. I love food as much as the next person, but I'd rather skip lunch than have to devote my whole fucking life to cooking and packing a lunch or trudging down the street every day to buy a mediocre salad.

--Anonymous
replies 62Sep 19, 2006 9:10 AM +00:00

We're a small department within a pretty large organization. A couple people were leaving and somebody brought in a couple great cheeseakes that they got from Peter Lugers and some other tasty looking desserts. As soon as we started helping ourselves, 4 admin type women who were not in our department came and just helped themselves to the desserts. They then left without saying a single word to anybody and 2 of them carried a couple extra pieces with them. Pretty rude I'd have to say.

--Anonymous
replies 63Sep 19, 2006 9:10 AM +00:00

Exactly, R61. It's one thing to witness this firsthand with people you deal with day in and day out and think "ewwwww". It's quite another to rush to the computer to post an anonymous diatribe about it and then end by patting yourself on the back for "sitting quietly at my desk".

OP sounds truly precious. And not in a good way.

--Anonymous
replies 64Sep 19, 2006 9:12 AM +00:00

next time bring in a poo poo platter...

oohhh see what I did there? poo poo platter

--Anonymous
replies 65Sep 19, 2006 9:21 AM +00:00

This thread glistens with neurotoxin.

--Anonymous
replies 66Sep 19, 2006 9:23 AM +00:00

R61 and R64 = truly precious, and not in a good way, either. Stove, meet kettle.

--Not the OP, either.
replies 67Sep 19, 2006 9:36 AM +00:00

Stampeding to the food like you haven't had anything to eat for 2 weeks is tacky, but I don't think there is anything wrong with people taking food home that would otherwise be thrown away. I think it's more disgusting and wasteful to toss perfectly good food than to take it home.

--Anonymous
replies 68Sep 19, 2006 9:48 AM +00:00

R68, I don't think that's what the OP was talking about nor what some of the other people have mentioned.

Who wants to see food wasted? It's the office glutton, typically women who storm the area where the food is without waiting to see if anyone else would like a little of it.

Yeah, it's a petty thing to discuss in the big picture, but this is just as annoying to some people as people talking too loud or anything else that annoys you at work.

I work with a few of those myself; they're not going to rest until they get to the kitchen or conference room and have staked claim to a huge portion of whatever the homemade goody or vendor/client-provided food is.

They truly are like sows and it's kind of easy to spot them in this thread...

--Anonymous
replies 69Sep 19, 2006 9:55 AM +00:00

OK, I am in sales and I'll tell you something: We would make sure that there was only one of things that people really like in baskets & towers just so that fights and arguments would break out over who gets the...

It is soooo very boring to do these presentations, and going through catalogs and picking the gifts and premiums, we need this kind of distraction.

It makes the visits fun!

--Anonymous
replies 70Sep 19, 2006 10:02 AM +00:00

One of the vendors who comes through my office weekly does a very smart thing: (we're a small office, about 20 people total): she brings in a bakery box with donuts, danish, as well as a few bananas or some seasonal fruits like peaches or whatever, but she stops at each person's desk, drops a little cocktail napkin and lets them pick out what they want, while exchanging a pleasantry or two.

But did that deter the fat porker "administrative assistant" in our dept? Nooo...she tries to grab two danish into her fat paw, to which Kim (the attractive slim blonde that she is) cheerfully states, "Ah-ah-ah! One to a customer, please, or I won't have enough to go around!"

--Anonymous
replies 71Sep 19, 2006 10:08 AM +00:00

Sweeties, don't get your panties in a wad over this thread. "People who take food not theirs at work" and "Pigs Who Hog the Free Food" are to DL what truffles are to, well, pigs. The only thread that can beat one of these is "cash bars at weddings" and the only reason that one hit the stratosphere is because some clearly off her meds psycho was defending the practice in the face of Emily fucking Post.

We fags get to generalize nastily about the Heifertitis we work with and y'all get to call us snotty queens. Both are right in some cases and a good time is had by all.

"Why, I remember the time the 300lb. "myalgia-sufferer" on a Hoveround ran over the office gimp in a rush to get extra plates to take home for her 3 children in their 30's who lived at home and didn't work!" See? You too can be a troll.

--Anonymous
replies 72Sep 19, 2006 10:11 AM +00:00

R70 - you are very mean! LOL!

Do you stick around to watch the chaos you have created?

--Anonymous
replies 73Sep 19, 2006 10:12 AM +00:00

God, R38, I am so with you! We are a small office with a kitchen/break room just off the main row of cubicles. The other day some whore heated up a tupperware container of Brussels sprouts that made the entire office smell like farts for a good half hour. People were literally gagging.

--Anonymous
replies 74Sep 19, 2006 10:14 AM +00:00

I am still smiling over the "handful of rupees thrown to the orphans of Bangladesh" comment!

SO, so true...!

--Anonymous
replies 75Sep 19, 2006 10:16 AM +00:00

It always seems to be the fat chicks that are most obnoxious in these situations...and you would think they would be the more shy office workers when it comes to things like that.

Fat chicks in office environments have NO shame... Well, fat chicks in general have no shame. Anybody notice how the fat girl fashion trend seems to be wearing really tight tank tops or poly/cotton shirts with their guts and lower back fat popping out?

--Anonymous
replies 76Sep 19, 2006 10:24 AM +00:00

R72, you sound like a doll! (hugs)

--Anonymous
replies 77Sep 19, 2006 10:24 AM +00:00

So what if some lard-asses what to lard their asses some more with some free carbos and fat? It's their body, they'll suffer the consequences, both physical and emotional, if they're obese. And I can't see how they're hurting anyone else doing it (well, except for their loved-ones, who will suffer when they die prematurely, but hey, that's the future, who wants to think about it?)

--Anonymous
replies 78Sep 19, 2006 10:30 AM +00:00

The pathetic tub in our office has a cubicle loaded with patriotic Beanie babies, Mardi Gras beads and seasonal items (the Walgreens Halloween shit is already making its appearance). She has a large poster entitled "A Woman's Prayer" that goes something like, "Dear Lord, today I have not cursed or eaten chocolate, however in a few minutes I am going to get out of bed and will need a lot more help...etc" which is vomiting inducing.

But the kicker is her bottom desk drawer, which is a literal convenience store of junk food--bags of chips, pretzels, and corn chips; candy bars, M&Ms, several bags of those "fun size" Milky Ways and Snickers. There must be $50 worth of crap in there--when she puts her giant pleather purse in there, you can't miss it.

And these are just the snacks...she spends the entire afternoon digging into it, and must easily consume an extra 1500 calories every day. It is mind boggling.

--Anonymous
replies 79Sep 19, 2006 10:33 AM +00:00

R79 here...and I forgot the best thing: she WORSHIPS Clay Aiken!!

--Anonymous
replies 80Sep 19, 2006 10:36 AM +00:00

I would never touch a buffet in an office that I hadn't seen the beginning of (the people getting the first access to the food). Never. It has nothing to do with monetary class, and everything to do with upbringing. Some people are NASTY around food.

--Anonymous
replies 81Sep 19, 2006 10:45 AM +00:00

My office fatty is a gay man. He's a "brittle diabetic" but has the candy drawer from hell. Donuts a couple times a week? No prob!

When there is a birthday where people bring food, he's Johnny-on-the-Spot with some healthy curds and whey crap, which he eats none of. Instead, every dessert has his pudgy finger marks all over them within a minute. Then there is the "treat" of hearing him talk about how bad he's being before he tucks in. Just STFU and bring a kiddie beach shovel with you! While you're at it, you can leave the "7 Layer Dip" made entirely out of non-fat ingredients at home.

The least he could do is wear white pants on presentation days. We could show Powerpoint presentations on his ass and not have to fool with a screen.

--Anonymous
replies 82Sep 19, 2006 10:47 AM +00:00

"Heifertitis"

And a legend is born.

--Anonymous
replies 83Sep 19, 2006 10:48 AM +00:00

You said "Heifertiti" and I love you for it.

--Anonymous
replies 84Sep 19, 2006 10:50 AM +00:00
That law firms I used to work at were the worst. It was like vultures. And the men (especially the young male associates) were far, FAR worse then any of the women.

I'm backing up Kipper here. I've always worked in law firms, and in law firms the leaders in the free food stampede are always male attorneys. Where I work now, the worst offenders by far are two high-ranking male shareholders.

Another thing is that they never bring anything to potlucks but they're always the first two in line for the food. They're so shameless that when people's lunches go missing, they get blamed. Most of the women are either too busy to fight for food or they're dieting.

At Christmas time two of our women paralegals fill plates with cookies to take home to their families. Last year, someone told them it makes them look greedy and they stopped. I hope it stays in their memory banks this year. Both of them believe they're depriving their children by working and they think they can make that up by bringing home cookies.

--Anonymous
replies 85Sep 19, 2006 10:57 AM +00:00

HIV group home manager here again-

First, thanks for understanding. I'm glad to read these posts.

Second, our specific site location is confidential so donations for the residents are dropped off at our office. The Executive Director told me the goodies were for the houses but she also told me to take them into the staff meeting. To be fair, there was a lot of food. Everyone at our houses got some. I just got angry that no one seemed to notice or acknowledge that donations for our HIV+ residents were being devoured by greedy office staff (who can afford their own treats) while many of our residents have zero income and would enjoy a special treat.

--Anonymous
replies 86Sep 19, 2006 11:00 AM +00:00

The "best" situation I ever encountered in an office was years ago during Christmas. It was a medium-size accounting firm where the sole employee a client would see upon entering was the receptionist. A temp was hired for November through January as the regular receptinist was out on maternity leave.

Somewhere toward the end of January/beginning of February several clients started asking if we enjoyed the gift baskets they had sent ( I assume because they were never thanked for them nor were they ever mntioned). Turns out this woman would accept delivery, sneak out and put the baskets in her car and come back. We figured she must have stolen close to 40 baskets, cookie trays, etc.

On the rare ocassion that someone else had been there upon delivery she would rip open the item take a shit-load of stuff out and then place it in the conference room down the hall.

The office manager related the incident to the agency so the thief wouldn't be sent out again to snatch up things in other places. (It was also discovered that we seemed to have gone through a lot of extra office supplies that 3 month period.)

--Anonymous
replies 87Sep 19, 2006 11:01 AM +00:00

In our office, we have this vile birthday-chain list where the person with the last birthday has to bring something in for the next person, etc. Therefore each month there are usually one or two half sheet cakes plopped into the break room first thing in the morning, followed by an email to everyone stating that so and so's birthday cake is in the kitchen. A couple of months ago I sneaked up behind this old biddy who had just sawed off a huge hunk of the cake about 2:30 in the afternoon and was trying to wrap in up in napkins. I came up right behind her and said, "What on earth are you DOING?", like I was really shocked. She was so rattled she dropped the slab of cake, and it hit the floor, icing down.

When my birthday rolled around, the person ahead of me asked me what kind of cake I wanted. It was in August and I said I'd rather have a couple of boxes of sugar free popsicles. They sat in our freezer for 3 weeks.

--Anonymous
replies 88Sep 19, 2006 11:11 AM +00:00

>>And it's the little mincing straight girls who try to coordinate it all; they'd be damned if they heaved a box of copier paper to the printer or did anything that caused actual physical work, but they're always ALL too ready to be the ones in charge of deciding how things are decorated or the details of any office gathering.

Yeah! Those mincing straight girls, right Sheila? I hate those mincing girls! They took your job away, didn't they? Those horrible awful MINCING girls!

--Anonymous
replies 89Sep 19, 2006 11:21 AM +00:00

I have asked my office manager not to mention my birthday in this office because I don't want to give the greedy bastards another chance to feed.

--Anonymous
replies 90Sep 19, 2006 11:22 AM +00:00

I agree, R90. One of my best birthday presents, every year, is having it go completely unnoticed by the people I work with.

Birthdays are for friends and family. I couldn't give two shits about my co-workers' birthdays, and I sure as hell don't need some awkward cake ritual at work on mine.

--Anonymous
replies 91Sep 19, 2006 11:25 AM +00:00
When my birthday rolled around, the person ahead of me asked me what kind of cake I wanted. It was in August and I said I'd rather have a couple of boxes of sugar free popsicles. They sat in our freezer for 3 weeks.

No wonder. Those things taste nasty.

--Anonymous
replies 92Sep 19, 2006 11:26 AM +00:00

I think that going to work every day with people who are not like you is a wonderful thing. Each day wil provide insights into the fact tha everybody is not like you. The best thing to do is shrug.

--Anonymous
replies 93Sep 19, 2006 11:26 AM +00:00

Careful! While you're nursing contempt for the sows, the straight guys are laughing over your transparent mooniness and ludicrous manicure.

--Anonymous
replies 94Sep 19, 2006 11:27 AM +00:00

>>I don't think I've ever seen a guy in the office, especially not a young guy, who seemed to make it a competition to see how much of the office food he could stuff in his gut or wrap-up and take home.<<

Well you haven't met my ex boss.....a bitter, closeted queen. he's the guy I mentioned in another thread, the one who managed to get some very expensive furniture sent to his home after we rented it for a photo shoot!

This man would steal anything that wasn't nailed down and that included food!

At EVERY office party, he was the first person to ask about the left overs. A millionaire who lived in Tudor house! He was one of the cheapest, most miserable rich people I've ever known.

The tackiest thing he ever did was after he took our department out for Christmas lunch, no sooner did we get back from the restaurant.....he asked our secretary to put in for petty cash to foot the lunch bill!

The gifts he gave us during Christmas time were the freebies he got from the vendors! He was simply: a miserable human being.

--Anonymous
replies 95Sep 19, 2006 11:30 AM +00:00

They're also getting a big laugh that you're sitting around feeling superior while they're eating your share of the food.

--Anonymous
replies 96Sep 19, 2006 11:31 AM +00:00

>>I don't think I've ever seen a guy in the office, especially not a young guy, who seemed to make it a competition to see how much of the office food he could stuff in his gut or wrap-up and take home.<<

Well you haven't met my ex boss.....a bitter, closeted queen. he's the guy I mentioned in another thread, the one who managed to get some very expensive furniture sent to his home after we rented it for a photo shoot!

This man would steal anything that wasn't nailed down and that included food!

At EVERY office party, he was the first person to ask about the left overs. A millionaire who lived in Tudor house! He was one of the cheapest, most miserable rich people I've ever known.

The tackiest thing he ever did was after he took our department out for Christmas lunch, no sooner did we get back from the restaurant.....he asked our secretary to put in for petty cash to foot the lunch bill!

The gifts he gave us during Christmas time were the freebies he got from the vendors! He was simply: a miserable human being.

--Anonymous
replies 97Sep 19, 2006 11:31 AM +00:00

I can't imagine how empty one's life must be to obsess over other people's eating habits.

--Anonymous
replies 98Sep 19, 2006 11:31 AM +00:00

Right, R98. And I can't imagine how empty one's life must be to read posts from other people obsessing over other people's eating habits. Get off your high horse, bitch.

--Anonymous
replies 99Sep 19, 2006 11:38 AM +00:00

"Food in the office often brings out the worst in people."

After reading OP's rant I'd have to agree.

--Anonymous
replies 100Sep 19, 2006 11:40 AM +00:00

Face it, kiddies. There are as many people who side with OP as there are who don't (and those who don't are quite likely guilty of the behavior he complains about). There's a huge difference between making sure good food isn't wasted and taking more than your fair share, and if you don't understand the difference, you never will.

--Anonymous
replies 101Sep 19, 2006 11:41 AM +00:00

Time for a job change, OP?

--Anonymous
replies 102Sep 19, 2006 11:41 AM +00:00

Damn, r87 - what a henious greedy bitch!

--Anonymous
replies 103Sep 19, 2006 11:43 AM +00:00

I have the opposite problem. I could hardly pour a cup of coffee last week without having to wade though endless boxes and shopping bags full of tomatos and peppers and God knows what other produce the people in the office have brought in from their gardens.

I think it's a grand thing in moderation, but when everyone in the office has a garden, and everyone grows tomatos why on earth do they think that there will be a demand for them?

It's a shame because all that's happening is that 60 pounds of produce is slowly rotting in the kitchen and the fruitflies are everywhere.

That, and the fact that before too long the wife of the mighty deer hunter will roam the office with the homemade venison jerky made from her husband's kill. She forces it on everyone and stands there watching until you eat it. It is disgusting.

--Anonymous
replies 104Sep 19, 2006 12:07 PM +00:00

r104 what city in Wisconsin do you work in? I grew up there and it just sounds like WI.

--Anonymous
replies 105Sep 19, 2006 12:11 PM +00:00

OP

"rutting" + "sows"

Ah, so what you are really saying, sweetie, is that you have some lesbians in your office (i.e. sows) and that they had sexual activity (i.e. rutting) in the office that involved bagels (?) and cream cheese (?)!

I bet that it wasn't just bagels and cream cheese that was 'consumed'!

--Anonymous
replies 106Sep 19, 2006 12:18 PM +00:00

I worked for a guy who was in his early 50s and slim. He was the division president, and was wired ALL THE TIME. Whenever there were office parties, though, he was the first one out there, shovelling up as much food as he could. He never contributed to covering any costs of the parties or luncheons, but lord that man could eat the house down.

Even the overweight ladies were shocked that this guy seemed to be more food obsessed than they. So while I know that the overweight people have a tendency to be drawn to the food, it's not a problem that just applies to them!

--Anonymous
replies 107Sep 19, 2006 12:18 PM +00:00

"Right, R98. And I can't imagine how empty one's life must be to read posts from other people obsessing over other people's eating habits. Get off your high horse, bitch."

Reading and responding to these posts takes what, minutes.

Obsessing over other's annoying behaviors is a way of life and usually a sign of the embittered.

--not 98
replies 108Sep 19, 2006 12:19 PM +00:00

R 76: I believe you are referring to muffin-top syndrome. Just now there is a trend for clueless, mirrorless people (of both genders) to wear snug cotton shirts which exposes a large roll spilling over the top of their pants.

--Anonymous
replies 109Sep 19, 2006 12:24 PM +00:00

Read Margaret Atwood's The Edible Woman; there is a hilariously bitchy scene where the fat office matrons are shoveling food in their faces during a Christmas party.

--Anonymous
replies 110Sep 19, 2006 1:58 PM +00:00

*oink*

--Anonymous
replies 111Sep 19, 2006 3:14 PM +00:00

"Second, our specific site location is confidential so donations for the residents are dropped off at our office. The Executive Director told me the goodies were for the houses but she also told me to take them into the staff meeting. To be fair, there was a lot of food. Everyone at our houses got some. I just got angry that no one seemed to notice or acknowledge that donations for our HIV+ residents were being devoured by greedy office staff (who can afford their own treats) while many of our residents have zero income and would enjoy a special treat."

This still sounds like the Executive Director's fault. Why did everything have to get taken into the staff meeting? Were all the office people aware that the food wasn't meant as a token of appreciation for them? It seems sort of tacky to give the residents leftovers.

--Anonymous
replies 112Sep 19, 2006 4:33 PM +00:00

"I'll happily work alongside the OP, but not with r12, r15, or r19. "

That's ok, you ignorant assholes can work together and leave us kindly people in peace.

--Anonymous
replies 113Sep 19, 2006 5:03 PM +00:00

Whoa, whoa...whoa. You bitches get FOOD? My colleagues throw me to the ground, kick me everywhere, and then they dig around inside my pants pockets searching for breath mints!...I guess things must be a little different at my place of employment.

--Anonymous
replies 114Sep 19, 2006 5:04 PM +00:00

The worst day was when one of the walking lard barrels waddled in with something called a a "Better than Sex" cake. Not to be topped, another of her ilk brought in a vile, neon-colored concoction she said was a red velvet cake. They sat in the break room all day long, constantly heaving huge fist-sized wads of that slop into the well-used gaping holes that were conveniently placed in the middle of what might charitably be called their faces...

--I'm going to go get me one of them MFAs in creative writing!!!
replies 115Sep 19, 2006 5:49 PM +00:00

Women should not "feed" their co-workers. It just looks bad.

--A sympathetic female
replies 116Sep 19, 2006 6:25 PM +00:00

I work in a big law firm with lots of "gourmet" free food all around. I have never seen the men go at it like the women (who really do scoop it up in any vessel they can find to take it home). I would be so embarassed to carry on like they do. They really are shameless. There is only one attorney who stoops to their level and he is a very closeted, wealthy, thin man.

--Anonymous
replies 117Sep 19, 2006 6:47 PM +00:00

I used to be one of those folks who raided the trays after the meetings. While I'm a hefty gal the food wasn't for me.

My sister was married to a dick who wouldn't work and her paycheck barely covered their rent and lights. They were on food stamps but he would sell them for drugs. She was feeding herself, her husband, and his two kids from a previous marriage. At the time they had one child together, but she was a baby and WIC covered most of her food.

After luncheons I would get enough to bring home to them for dinner. People made shitty remarks and it made my ears burn, but I just let them think I was a greedy fucker.

I couldn't give my sister money for food for the kids because asswipe would take it out of her purse. I took her grocery shopping as often as I could, but I needed to pay my own bills, too. I couldn't afford to support all of them.

She eventually wised up and kicked him and his kids to the curb. He sent his other daughter to live with his first ex-wife and kept the boy with him. I love those kids but they are pretty much destined to a hard life because he didn't teach them how to be adults.

--Anonymous
replies 118Sep 19, 2006 7:00 PM +00:00

Just checkin', do we hate the sows and cows as much if they are our mothers, sisters, aunts and nieces?

TIA, pricks.

--Gay man who doesn't hate fat or slender women
replies 119Sep 19, 2006 8:54 PM +00:00

It sounds like you'd like to stuff some of that fattening food down your pie hole, yourself, OP. People who aren't that food conscious really don't pay that much attention to other people's eating habits, unless that want to get in on some of that action themselves, or are envious that they can't. Otherwise, be thankful that you don't have to shove that kind of food down your throat at all hours of the day.

--Anonymous
replies 120Sep 19, 2006 9:09 PM +00:00

Everyone has food issues!

--Anonymous
replies 121Sep 19, 2006 9:40 PM +00:00

Meeeeeeoooowwww!!!!

--Anonymous
replies 122Sep 19, 2006 9:49 PM +00:00

R118, did you ever stop to think that by feeding your sister's asswipe husband and his two brats from a former marriage you were prolonging her marriage to him? Maybe she would have kicked him to the curb a lot sooner if you hadn't made things seem better than they really were.

--Anonymous
replies 123Sep 19, 2006 9:51 PM +00:00

Food is love.

--Rachael Ray
replies 124Sep 19, 2006 9:56 PM +00:00

OP:

Offsite Link
--Anonymous
replies 125Sep 19, 2006 9:57 PM +00:00

Office potlucks are always a great opportunity to see upper management cheep out and suck down the free food.

At my last job we had an office holiday party where everyone was asked to bring in a dessert. Graduate interns, on a $1500 stipend for 6 months of work, brought in homemmade pies and cookies and chocolate dipped strawberries, while the head of our department, whose salary was in the middle six figures, popped two bags of kettle corn in the break room and poured them onto a tray as her dessert contribution.

--Anonymous
replies 126Sep 20, 2006 3:46 AM +00:00

That sounds about right, r126. It's usually those who make the most money who are the stingiest.

There has to be some sort of psychological name for that. Aside from "asshole".

--Anonymous
replies 127Sep 20, 2006 3:56 AM +00:00

I love looking at all the posts from the straight women who troll here.. They get SO worked up over things like this.

Hey girls, remember this site is intended PRIMARILY for gay men & women.

No one has ever invited or encouraged any of you to come here. You do so without our blessings.

You have your lives and your outlets in other places...You've had your special "vent" places all your lives while we were hiding in the closets or being shunned in high school.

Places like this are our little corners. Just please, leave the site and let us have this corner of the world.

--Anonymous
replies 128Sep 20, 2006 4:19 AM +00:00

Cry me a river, R128.

--Straighty
replies 129Sep 20, 2006 4:23 AM +00:00

I guess most of you people have no experience working for the public sector - there is absolutely no gender discrimination with regard to free food in a government office setting. Just the regular sound of a thundering herd of elephants racing down the hall toward any spread no matter how meager.

--Anonymous
replies 130Sep 20, 2006 4:48 AM +00:00

>>Office potlucks are always a great opportunity to see upper management cheep out and suck down the free food.

At my last job we had an office holiday party where everyone was asked to bring in a dessert. Graduate interns, on a $1500 stipend for 6 months of work, brought in homemmade pies and cookies and chocolate dipped strawberries, while the head of our department, whose salary was in the middle six figures, popped two bags of kettle corn in the break room and poured them onto a tray as her dessert contribution.<<

This is SO TRUE.

In all the office environments I've ever worked in, I've noticed that the people making the largest salaries are always the cheapest.

The biggest joke is that they are also always the ones looking at what others put on their plates at company dinners.

I think the psychological reason for that behaviour is that most of them are deathly scared of becoming poor.

The richest also gave the cheapest most crappiest gifts. Ironically they are the first people to call others on being tacky! They feel they are so above things what they do goes ignored, how wrong they are!

I work in fashion, I manage an in-house art department. We get a lot of freebies from the resources we borrow accessories from etc.

We also get many items on loan for photo shoots, unfortunately few of those items are ever returned to the vendors. Watches, fine and costume jewelry, shoes etc, most of these items go home with my two bosses and their equaly greedy assistants.

My two wealthy bosses, a gay man and a married woman, are always the first people to steal from the accessories closets!

When they aren't stealing for themselves, they use the closet as their personal store. Not once in all my years working there have either of them actually gone out to buy someone a gift, the accessories closet is their in-house store. They are pathetic.

The male boss is totally obsessed with money, that's ALL he ever talks about, his own and others money.

I can't wait to get the hell out of this place!

--Anonymous
replies 131Sep 20, 2006 4:55 AM +00:00

We have had that "better than sex" cake in this office many times. The pigs titter over it like a bunch of lesbian nuns before they stuff it in.

--Anonymous
replies 132Sep 20, 2006 5:40 AM +00:00

The bitterness is just dripping off this thread onto my keyboard.

--Anonymous
replies 133Sep 20, 2006 5:49 AM +00:00

R133, I suggest you not read the thread.. Better year, why not take a break from the DL altogether?

--Anonymous
replies 134Sep 20, 2006 5:54 AM +00:00

Can someone explain to me how anyone eats processed cream cheese anymore? It is filled with so much chemical crap it is beyond disgusting. The cream cheese sold in the artisanal cheese stores in Manhattan is getting excited about, but not that processed supermarket crap.

--Anonymous
replies 135Sep 20, 2006 6:14 AM +00:00

Sorry, I don't know the difference. I just get what's at the grocery store.

Our company stopped this shit of having just the fatass execs sit back and buy nothing. However, they only solved it a little bit. They have management buy the meat at functions (actually out of the company budget) and ask everyone to bring a side dish. No, the managers still don't pay anything, but it does even the playing field. Fatass fuckers.

--Anonymous
replies 136Sep 20, 2006 6:29 AM +00:00

THe poster above who said that hot food cooked by employees is inappropriate in the workplace is absolutely correct. We had a case where an employee brought in a large electric skillet and fried up hash brown potatoes and onions all morning! The stench hung in the air for days. It was utterly ridiculous.

--Anonymous
replies 137Sep 20, 2006 6:38 AM +00:00

I believe the correct phrase is "orgasmic thither", r132.

I'm just sayin'.

--Anonymous
replies 138Sep 20, 2006 6:43 AM +00:00
I can't imagine how empty one's life must be to obsess over other people's eating habits.

When you have to work with them, it's not only disgusting to watch, it's embarrassing to deal with well-meaning clients and sales reps who watch them behaving like pigs and associate their behavior with the whole company or department.

That's not the same thing as having an empty life and obsessing over someone else's eating habits.

--Anonymous
replies 139Sep 20, 2006 7:00 AM +00:00
I couldn't give my sister money for food for the kids because asswipe would take it out of her purse.

So you stole food that was intended for your co-workers.

Once again, a stupid cunt who was too much of an idiot to leave an asshole abuser expects someone else to rescue her.

--Anonymous
replies 140Sep 20, 2006 7:03 AM +00:00

Well stated, R139.

While there may be a stray attorney or boss or two who exhibits this behavior, it has been my experience as well that the administrative and clerical staff, primarily female, are the chief perpetrators.

I'm a manager, and I would never under any circumstances tolerate an employee frying potatoes and onions. This is a place of business, not a short order kitchen.

--Anonymous
replies 141Sep 20, 2006 7:06 AM +00:00
I guess most of you people have no experience working for the public sector - there is absolutely no gender discrimination with regard to free food in a government office setting.

I worked for a state agency, and I have to disagree. There was one enormous straight man and one young skinny straight guy who joined the stampede of sows at every opportunity, but all the other men used to roll their eyes and either go pick at the carcass when the hogs were finished, or, like me, find an excuse not to participate.

--Anonymous
replies 142Sep 20, 2006 7:11 AM +00:00

Office potlucks? That really is the Ninth Circle of Hell. Happily, very happily, I work at home now and only venture into my office for a couple meetings each year, but before that I always steered clear of all of the company picnics and all else that was neither really a work nor a social event. But asking employees to bring food to share? That is a new low by me.

It's not that I am wholly averse to socializing with coworkers: it can be genuinely pleasant on the rare occasion when someone takes the effort to plan some sort event for staff in a setting that's truly and purposefully distanced from the day-to-day aspects of work. However, the usual round of birthday bashes, awards presentations, holiday parties, and the like are a grim lot, and trying to enhance their allure by providing snacks and sodas and such only makes the prospect seem sadder, if only for the low-end gluttony sure to ensue. Even the 'impromptu' luncheons and happy hours outside the office are a little tedious, and there's invariably that one person who works in some wholly unknown department who manages to tag along, orders three whisky sours, the steak tartar stuffed lobster as an appetizer, etc, in short bumps the average cost per person up by about 3x when everyone else has had a salad or light snack and maybe a Diet Coke. (The You Know it All Too Well Alternate Scenario: Chinese restaurant: everyone wants to order and eat for themselves but for that mystery tagalong who insists on everyone sharing, orders some vile raw tofu thread and cauliflower thing in a white sauce on white rice but eats none of it in favor of gobbling down what everyone else wanted for themselves in the first place.)

--r17/23/38
replies 143Sep 20, 2006 7:12 AM +00:00

Thank god I'm a taste tester and my coworkers and I work really hard to maintain a clean palate in order to do our jobs well.

The result is no office potlucks, no food in the office that isn't being evaluated for a client, and no perfumes or other odors allowed.

Thus at least a couple of the most hateful aspects of working with other people are non-existent at my company.

--Anonymous
replies 144Sep 20, 2006 7:23 AM +00:00

I love looking at all the posts from the straight women who troll here.. They get SO worked up over things like this.

"Hey girls, remember this site is intended PRIMARILY for gay men & women.

No one has ever invited or encouraged any of you to come here. You do so without our blessings.

You have your lives and your outlets in other places...You've had your special "vent" places all your lives while we were hiding in the closets or being shunned in high school.

Places like this are our little corners. Just please, leave the site and let us have this corner of the world."

AMEN. Bears repeating. Fuck off, 129. Yeah, you, and take your ilk with you.

--Not 128
replies 145Sep 20, 2006 7:30 AM +00:00
I'm a manager, and I would never under any circumstances tolerate an employee frying potatoes and onions. This is a place of business, not a short order kitchen.

I used to do business with a company where half the staff would settle in for the work day and then call in a take-out breakfast order at the diner next door.

And the office always stank of greasy eggs and bacon, but as the office manager was a woman who has since had gastric bypass surgery and who always had her take out container on her desk most of the morning, there was nothing to do but tolerate it or find another place that did the same work.

Fortunately, I found a better supplier and no longer have to do business with them.

--Anonymous
replies 146Sep 20, 2006 7:33 AM +00:00

The worst is when they order Thai and the place just reeks all afternoon.

--Anonymous
replies 147Sep 20, 2006 7:37 AM +00:00

I work in a large office and occassionally we get lunch brought in as an incentive to skip going out for lunch due to work loads. It's horrible to watch the people in here get so worked up over some free food. They act like they haven't eaten in days and will come back for 2nds and 3rds. If anything is left, the same ones pack it up and take it home. I've nearly been maimed by chunky people rushing to get the Dunkin Donuts. On one occasion, the free boxed lunches came with potato chips (not french fries) and one girl was so upset, she had to leave the office and drive around for an hour. And of course, there are the couple of mooches that find out someone has food, and they create excuses to stop by the area and talk to people until someone FINALLY offers them food.

--alphagirl
replies 148Sep 20, 2006 7:48 AM +00:00

I used to work in a large hospital and in my little suite of offices (two MDs, two admin ass'ts, one RN, and me, the editorial research assistant), I kept a bowl of mini-chocolate bars and other candy on my desk for us and for guests.

But a couple of doctors not in our division discovered it, and anytime they were in the area, like at a conference room down the hall, they'd come to my desk and take some candy.

If I was sitting at my desk, they'd walk up and take several pieces and turn around and leave without acknowledging my existence.

But if I wasn't at my desk, they'd empty the bowl, filling their pockets with it. My office mates saw them do it several times.

Eventually I started putting the bowl inside a drawer when I left my desk, and my office mates said the doctors would ask where the candy was, and even start opening drawers looking for it.

Finally, one day I said, If you want any of that candy, you have to contribute five bucks to to the replacement fund. And I picked up the bowl and pulled it out of his reach. The guy turned on his heel and walked out, but they still would come in and look for it if I wasn't at my desk.

--Anonymous
replies 149Sep 20, 2006 8:06 AM +00:00

I just love the DL bitches (of both genders).

I work in a Library and it had gotten to the point that there seemed to be a birthday celebration every other day. Some women (in this case it was all women who did this) took up the planning and execution of these things as if it was a vital part of their job description. Sign-up sheets were passed around to prevent the dreaded "too many salads" mishap. Worse than that really was the enforced "signing of the birthday card" ordeal. The particularly eager moose that performed this task wouldn't let you just sign it. Oh, no. She had to stand over you and bray, "You're just gonna write your name? C'mon, write a little note!" What the fuck are you supposed to write about someone you said hello to a couple of times and dont know at all? "I'll always remember the fun times we had in 3rd period geometry! BFF!!!"?

It was some bizarre hold over from High School, where all the 'fun girls' plan little getogethers. The workers at my local grocery store deli counter knew when I showed up it was for 'the usual,' a tray of meats and cheeses. One of them said to me, "Man! I should work at the Library. All y'all do is eat!"

A new Director stepped in and, after a month, declared that one day each month be set aside for a birthday celebration. There was much grumbling about this from some quarters, as if their salaries had been slashed. Right now there is a movement afoot to have a secret "special" party for his birthday. Because he is so beloved? NO. Because it seems to fulfill some female urge for 'nice surprises'.

I used to dread the constant birthday gatherings. I kind of like the monthly ones, because people make an effort when it is really is a special event. Instead of dropping by the deli for a tray, I usually bother to cook something. Say what you will about hausfraus and queers, but most of us can cook some really nice food.

Don't get me started about the porky, cat-loving Director's assistant and her food hoarding habits...

--Anonymous
replies 150Sep 20, 2006 8:07 AM +00:00

Sometimes I wish I was a construction worker instead of an office worker. Construction workers don't have to deal with office idiocy.

--Anonymous
replies 151Sep 20, 2006 8:16 AM +00:00

I would love to know exactly how R145 deduces the gender and sexual orientation of DL posters.

For the record, ducky: unless someone specifically states, "I'm gay/straight, male/female, dyke/bi/tranny, whatEVAH, you have no way of knowing WHO posts WHAT. Some of the "hausfraus" who catch hell around here are very likely gay men...who can say for sure?

And that, my dear, is the anonymous beauty of DL.

I personally am loving the humor in this thread, esp the descriptions: "the head sow", the "eager moose", "tittering like lesbian nuns", etc.

Get over yerself!

--Anonymous
replies 152Sep 20, 2006 8:34 AM +00:00

A lot of fat haters here...did you ever think Americans are so fat because we are so repressed and oppressed? This food addiction is just the outward sign of a very sick culture.

--Anonymous
replies 153Sep 20, 2006 8:47 AM +00:00

I agree 152, it is very funny but also do you notice that many people have the same type of anecdotes? Office Sows are universal and anyone who has blasted the OP for bringing this topic up should shut their pie holes. An Office Food Sow is a very specific type of annoying person that many people encounter in their day to day lives so it is worth a formal DL discussion. I actually want to print the thread out and leave it on my Office Sow's desk but she would totally know I did it...

--Anonymous
replies 154Sep 20, 2006 8:49 AM +00:00

And I thought I was the only person who hated those stupid office "parties". Everyone else around here acts like they are just the greatest thing in the world.

In regards to food, birthdays, etc. - I have to say that most of the people in our particular department are on Atkins or weight watchers or strick vegitarians so we don't get donuts, cakes or any of that crap.

Usually when we get "treats" it's nuts, cheeses, veggie/fruit trays and the like. Stuff the OTHER people in the building won't touch.

And, boy, are some of those people disappointed when they realize we aren't having cake and donuts!

--Anonymous
replies 155Sep 20, 2006 8:49 AM +00:00

Excellent thread! I have laughed so hard!

--Anonymous
replies 156Sep 20, 2006 8:49 AM +00:00

Like we can't figure out who the cows are on this thread.

--Anonymous
replies 157Sep 20, 2006 8:51 AM +00:00

I think it bears repeating: the women who take food home are doing it because for just ONE night they'd like to not have to cook dinner for their lazy husband and greedy children.

I know because in my department the women who refrain from piling up the paper plates are the ones whose husbands do their share of the cooking.

--Anonymous
replies 158Sep 20, 2006 9:46 AM +00:00

R155, your office sounds like a shithole. That's why people from other departments don't want to eat there.

--Anonymous
replies 159Sep 20, 2006 9:49 AM +00:00

Why so much hate against this thread?

It's people bitching and sniping and gossiping just like they do on any other topic, this one happens to be popular.

I agree with others, seems like threads like this bring out the sensitive fat women who troll it not to add a comment, but to bitch and moan about the fact we're bitching and moaning.

Women don't seem to have issues with bitching, but let somebody bitch about them and they go into a sugar-induced rage.

--Anonymous
replies 160Sep 20, 2006 9:51 AM +00:00

r153 - Why are you here? Is that all you had to ad to the subject? If you don't like it, why not move on?

--Anonymous
replies 161Sep 20, 2006 9:52 AM +00:00

"A lot of fat haters here...did you ever think Americans are so fat because we are so repressed and oppressed?"

WTF?!?

Repressed? You'd never know it watching television or movies in this country. Or walking down the street where people are free to wear provocative clothes, indulge in public displays of affection. Hell, porn stars are celebrated in this country.

As for opression? Americans aren't oppressed. People in certain other countries of the world are oppressed, definitely not here.

Americans are so fat because there's too goddamned much of everything here and can't stop shovelling all this crappy, processed food into our self-entitled mouths.

--Anonymous
replies 162Sep 20, 2006 9:52 AM +00:00

I don't know where you get that, R158...the sows in our office (I work with the Aluminum Foil pig) take it just because it is there, and it is free. It doesn't have a thing to do with having to cook.

--Anonymous
replies 163Sep 20, 2006 9:52 AM +00:00

"I think it bears repeating: the women who take food home are doing it because for just ONE night they'd like to not have to cook dinner for their lazy husband and greedy children."

If this statement is true than our office sows' kids are eating doughnuts, danishes, brownies, cookies and huge slabs of cake every night for dinner.

--Anonymous
replies 164Sep 20, 2006 9:54 AM +00:00

"Usually when we get "treats" it's nuts, cheeses, veggie/fruit trays and the like. Stuff the OTHER people in the building won't touch."

OMG, I want to come work where you work, R155 ... this is the kind of food I WISH my coworkers would bring in.

--Anonymous
replies 165Sep 20, 2006 9:56 AM +00:00

Christ I just remembered I have to bring fucking meatballs to a luncheon tomorrow. Shit.

--Anonymous
replies 166Sep 20, 2006 9:56 AM +00:00

Nope, it is women who have kids that like to take food home to their kids so that THEY don't have to cook. Forget the husbands. But honestly, I have made care packages for women with kids so that they don't have to cook. I have purposely taken my leftover cake, or whatever to them. But that's me, thoughtful.

--Anonymous
replies 167Sep 20, 2006 9:56 AM +00:00

I worked as an Accounts Payable Manager and this Senior Purchasing agent told me he was glad to be moved away from the Payables Floor. He said that everytime a vendor brought in donuts, before he could even get one, these big FAT cows weighing 300 pounds were taking, not one, but two or three back to their desks. One for breakfast and one for after lunch!

--Anonymous
replies 168Sep 20, 2006 9:57 AM +00:00

r153 - Why are you here? Is that all you had to ad to the subject? If you don't like it, why not move on?

Are you the Webmaster? Does R153 owe you any explanation for why s/he chooses to post? Are there any rules prohibiting him or her from doing so? Sorry if you don't like it, but one supposes that you will just have to live with it.

--Anonymous
replies 169Sep 20, 2006 9:59 AM +00:00

I "get that", R163, because I happen to know which members of my department have to cook all the time and which ones have more egalitarian husbands who do their share of the cooking, and there is a 100% correlation.

Perhaps though, it is just mere correlation, and there is a third variable involved. Say, "lack of greediness": women who aren't greedy tend to snag husbands who take turns cooking and these women, not being greedy, don't take all the free food they can get.

--R158
replies 170Sep 20, 2006 9:59 AM +00:00

Well r158 I am glad that's how it is in your office but I know the pigs here well enough to know that they hoard food for their own fat selves or for their ride home.

In our office, one woman's husband bought her a membership at Curves for Christmas and she actually changes into her workout clothes at the office at the end of the day and then goes down the street to TGIFridays and sits for an hour, stuffing her face with potato skins and cheese sticks before going home and making dinner for her family and claiming she had been at the gym. Everyone at my company knows it just like we know that she takes enourmous amounts of food home that the reps bring in so she can eat it in the car on her ride home. She's not taking food for her family, that's for sure, since her husband is clearly tired of her obese ass and wouldn't appreciate seeing her stuff her face full of some of the fattening crap she eats.

--Anonymous
replies 171Sep 20, 2006 10:06 AM +00:00

"In our office, one woman's husband bought her a membership at Curves for Christmas and she actually changes into her workout clothes at the office at the end of the day and then goes down the street to TGIFridays and sits for an hour, stuffing her face with potato skins and cheese sticks before going home and making dinner for her family"

Sad and pathetic. She's doing a disservice to her husband and her children. She'll wind up dead of a heart attack in a few years.

--Anonymous
replies 172Sep 20, 2006 10:11 AM +00:00

The majority of the food we get in this office is of the bakery variety--donuts, bagels, cookies, cakes, etc. Hardly the stuff you cook for your family...or give to your abused sister and kids.

I'm with R164...it's sow feed "for later".

Sue....WEE!

--Anonymous
replies 173Sep 20, 2006 10:11 AM +00:00

We had a situation similar to R55 way upthread... one of our salespeople won a contest from a local radio station, and the prize was a big stuffed sub sandwich. It was from a local deli, and a very nice one, not just some Subway glop, and they delivered it to the sales dept, which is nowhere near the sow pen. It was precut into slices and was obviously meant to serve 12.

Well, guess who lost no time waddling all the way across the hall and poking their snouts into the department? Three drooling sows who had nothing whatsoever to do with this dept or this event.

To her credit, the receptionist over there (a tiny little thing herself) was able to hold off the drooling heifertitis and sent them away, until the salespeople were able to get back into the office. They were in a high snit as they lumbered back to their stalls!

--Anonymous
replies 174Sep 20, 2006 10:20 AM +00:00
Don't get me started about the porky, cat-loving Director's assistant and her food hoarding habits...

OK. Secretly (or obviously) I was begging to be asked. Since nobody did, I will tell you anyway.

*sulks in corner*

I walked into the break room one morning to find her taking food from the plates and packing it into containers. You would have thought I'd caught her stirring up a mixture of diesel fuel and fertilizer. She told me that she doesn't get to try any of the 'good stuff' because it's always gone by the time she gets there. Odd, since the only feat I have yet to see her perform is being driven down the middle of the table, eating everything in her path.

--Anonymous
replies 175Sep 20, 2006 10:22 AM +00:00

After literally spitting out my diet coke because I was laughing so hard at r175, I think we can formally declare a new datalounge term: "Office Sow." I LOVE "Heifertitis" but the spelling trolls will probably demand overtime pay if we were to adopt that instead.

--Anonymous
replies 176Sep 20, 2006 11:32 AM +00:00

Sorry, but I completely agree with the OP. Free food brings out the absolute worst in people.

--Anonymous
replies 177Sep 20, 2006 11:38 AM +00:00

Warning to all

STAY AWAY FROM POT LUCK ANYTHING UNLESS YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE BRINGING THE FOOD AND I MEAN REALLY KNOW.

Heres why. On several occasions I have noticed women coming out of the bathroom without washing their hands. Now I'v gotten to the point where when I'm in a stall I will look to see who's shoes are next to me (if any) and if that person does not wash her hands I hunt down the shoes and remember when food is being served.

Needless to say I stop eating office cooking.

--Anonymous
replies 178Sep 20, 2006 11:44 AM +00:00

Some of the heifertitis in this office have the same mindset as the ones in R175...we actually hear it from their pie holes: "the professional people get everything, we never get taken out to lunch" etc, etc. So they (literally) jump at the chance to get any freebies. In our office they hog the inanimate objects as well--pens, calendar and appointment books, little premiums vendors leave us like keychains, flashlights, etc. They pout like babies if they are "left out" of anything. It's a real "victim" mentality.

--Anonymous
replies 179Sep 20, 2006 12:09 PM +00:00

"Chinese restaurant: everyone wants to order and eat for themselves but for that mystery tagalong who insists on everyone sharing, orders some vile raw tofu thread and cauliflower thing in a white sauce on white rice but eats none of it in favor of gobbling down what everyone else wanted for themselves in the first place."

I hate it when people do that shit!! If I wanted Beef Kum Pung with peanuts, then I would've ordered it. I could understand if it was sushi, but not average Chinese food.

--Anonymous
replies 180Sep 20, 2006 12:11 PM +00:00

People, especially gay men, are brutal towards anyone who doesn't have a 30/32 waist. This is proven by all the torso shots you see in porn and in personal ads. You can't fuck a six-pack, people!! I'd rather have guy who is a little thick around the middle with a nice round ass than some skinny/toned, flat-assed, twinky boi.

--But that's just me I guess.
replies 181Sep 20, 2006 12:15 PM +00:00

r165 - it just takes a few (2 or 3) people to say "for my birthday/promotion (insert reason here), I want vegetables, no carbs, etc." and it will catch on.

Maybe I'm fortunate that most of the people I work with are athletes (even the women) or very health conscious.

We DO have large women working here but they are in other departments. Not like they would eat what WE order anyway!

--r155
replies 182Sep 20, 2006 12:21 PM +00:00

OP here. There was a bagel or two left over from the ones that were brought in yesterday, but of course they were ROCK HARD. Not to be deterred, the "heifertitis" (I LOVE that term, BTW!) showed each other how to wrap them in wet paper towels and then microwave them, then bitched because they were TOO CHEWY.

They were actually floating the loathsome notion of having a "football party" here at the office where everyone can bring nachos and chili cheese dip and things like that. If they sell management on this idea I swear to God I will print this thread out and stick it up on the bulletin board.

--Anonymous
replies 183Sep 20, 2006 12:22 PM +00:00

R182...you are fortunate, but you're dreaming too. The hogs in this office not only want birthday cakes, but they want them from SAM'S CLUB, with the WHIPPED CREAM ICING!

The arrival of one of these babies on someone's birthday is met with the same kind of excitement that greeted Christ on Palm Sunday.

--Anonymous
replies 184Sep 20, 2006 12:25 PM +00:00

I once worked in a call center full of black women. Like someone else said, we had potlucks almost every week. They would order huge trays of Chinese food, White Castle, Bennigan's, Hooters, KFC, Popeye's, in addition to having birthday cake and ice cream. I'm a guy that loves to eat, but I work out too. I was totally shocked by how much fast food was consumed by the people there. It was almost sickening.

--Anonymous
replies 185Sep 20, 2006 12:27 PM +00:00

Well, ain't that America, for you and me.

--John Cougar Mellencamp
replies 186Sep 20, 2006 12:28 PM +00:00

You have my pity, r184.

Maybe you should ask for a fruit tray or something when it's your turn. The heifertitis won't touch it and maybe some of your co-workers will be "emboldened" by your example!

Usually if we get food, WE have to bring it in ourselves. And we know what everyone will and won't eat. (Cake, donuts, bagels, brownies usually end up in the break room because nobody wants them. But we will fight like heifertitis over a fruit tray! Seriously!)

--r155
replies 187Sep 20, 2006 12:37 PM +00:00

Y'all are so mean and nasty, I just want to say that I (((( BUUUUUUUURRRRRP )))

... excuse me...

--Big Barbara in Purchasing
replies 188Sep 20, 2006 12:38 PM +00:00

This thread is a classic! At my former office, the resident hippoletta used to stock our supply shelves with all sorts of Little Debbie and Hostess snack cakes she would buy in bulk from Costco. One time a number of us were on our way to the break room, which was right next to her hoarde. She must have thought we were going to snatch up her stash because she bounded out of her chair and tripped over a mail cart in an attempt to snag the last Devil Dog. She sprained her ankle and was out for a week, and she had the nerve to declare workman's comp!

--Anonymous
replies 189Sep 20, 2006 12:38 PM +00:00

Just this afternoon, our director just brought some leftover containers of Flan (yes, FLAN) and you should have seen the bovine stampede just to get to it before anyone else.

--Anonymous
replies 190Sep 20, 2006 12:41 PM +00:00

This is just made up shit, all written by the same person. You're one pathetic queer, OP.

--Anonymous
replies 191Sep 20, 2006 12:44 PM +00:00

And people wonder why they can't seem to lose weight.

--Anonymous
replies 192Sep 20, 2006 12:47 PM +00:00

Coming soon to HARRAH's in Vegas:

Joe Esterhasz proudly presents....

"HEIFERTITIS!!"

Who needs "SHOWGIRLS" when you've got these "Hippolettas?" Yep, Harrah's will be "packing 'em in" (literally), with this masterpiece...especially with our TWO FOR ONE coupon deals...first the BUFFET, then the show! Yes, gals, chow down, pig out, and then ENJOY THE SHOW! But remember...no carry outs! No wrapping in napkins, no sneaking in purses! We'll be watching!

--Anonymous
replies 193Sep 20, 2006 12:50 PM +00:00

"anyone who has blasted the OP for bringing this topic"

Why don't you get it. It's not the topic. It's the rapid fire venom spewing. Sows, heifers, troughs, rutting pigs, whores and so on and so on. Ann Coulter would be proud. We must have more Republicans around here than I thought

--Card carrying bleeding heart liberal.
replies 194Sep 20, 2006 12:52 PM +00:00

OP here...up yours, R191. I couldn't possibly have written all this.

Besides, some of these stories put my own hogs to shame!

--Anonymous
replies 195Sep 20, 2006 12:53 PM +00:00

i eat bagels, and I like to share them. Why can't we all get along

--Anonymous
replies 196Sep 20, 2006 12:56 PM +00:00

R193 - that looked like "heifer titties" to me.

Gah!

--Anonymous
replies 197Sep 20, 2006 12:57 PM +00:00

How about a company which tolerates people bringing in their stinky 'ethnic' food every day and driving others out of the lunchroom?

The department heads are afraid to tell them to stop for fear of being sued for racism. Talk about taking political correctness to the extreme!

The foreign hausfraus from clerical are in the company kitchen like clockwork, at 11:45, everyday fighting for the use of the three microwaves. Thankfully, there isn't a stove in there.

The stench from the crap these woman heat up is nauseating.

It's disturbing to the few who want to quietly eat their homemeade sandwich/salad or store bought lunches.

Because of this smelly situation we are all now allowed to eat lunch at our desks.

--Anonymous
replies 198Sep 20, 2006 1:03 PM +00:00
And people wonder why they can't seem to lose weight.

Is it just me, or does every one who says this have a bag of snacks in front of them? I can't tell you how many women have said to me, "Oh. I'm so jealous, you can eat what you want." Please.

--Anonymous
replies 199Sep 20, 2006 1:30 PM +00:00

"feeding your sister's asswipe husband and his two brats from a former marriage you were prolonging her marriage to him?"

Yes, I thought of that. Do you let kids go hungry just to prove a point to the adults who control their lives? I don't.

Oh, I'm a dyke, not a straight woman on the troll.

--R118
replies 200Sep 20, 2006 1:33 PM +00:00

There was a big bottle of Tropicana left from some senior management meeting. Someone out it in the refrigerator.

AND I TOOK IT HOME!!!!

--Sipping glorious orange juice as I type
replies 201Sep 20, 2006 5:37 PM +00:00

My experiences in offices full of women have been a little different - instead of everyone grabbing for the food, people are almost ashamed of it, to the point where many people are reluctant to take a whole piece of anything. Lots of splitting of muffins, bagels, and donuts. It leads to its own problems - the abandoned halves stay on the platter and are wasted because no one wants to eat food that someone else has handled.

Some of the stories I hear about people taking food home...yikes. I'd rather it go home with someone than go to waste, but no one but the provider of the food is entitled to take any of it without asking - especially before everyone has had a chance for a serving.

--Anonymous
replies 202Sep 20, 2006 5:49 PM +00:00

Anyone remember this clip from Kids in the Hall?

www.youtube.com
--Anonymous
replies 203Sep 20, 2006 7:26 PM +00:00

For so long reading this thread I thought heifertitis was "heifer - titis", like tendonitis or appendicitis or arthritis. My head was getting read to explode at the incorrect usage until I realized it was Heifertitis, like a plural of Nefertiti.

--Anonymous
replies 204Sep 20, 2006 7:39 PM +00:00

I thought it was Heifertitties.

--Anonymous
replies 205Sep 20, 2006 9:45 PM +00:00

I avoid all food at work,I have my Lean Cuisine,fruit and my 1/2 gallon of ice water and I'm good for the day.

--Anonymous
replies 206Sep 20, 2006 9:54 PM +00:00

"I'm very Victorian about food." Who the fuck says something like this? Date much R38?

--Anonymous
replies 207Sep 20, 2006 10:11 PM +00:00

This is a classic thread.

I have laughed so much I have cried. Thanks! I need it today!

--Anonymous
replies 208Sep 20, 2006 10:29 PM +00:00

I like "Office Sow" and "heifertities", but I love "hippoletta."

Joan, the resident office sow made a mad dash for the breakroom as soon as word got around that donuts would be served. Jiggling close behind, the young hippoletta Carleen, Fran, and Wendy, tried to remain calm, but were anxious to find out if their favorite donut variety was still left. Upon their arrival in the breakroom and an enourmous spread of six dozen donuts, all of the heifertities shared a relieved laugh as they dug into the glazed, powdered, sugared, and cream-filled trough.

"I know I shouldn't" proclaimed Joan, to which Wendy replied, "one's not gonna hurt." Fran declared, "I'll be good for the rest of the week," to which the others noodded in agreement while chewing. Carleen let out a small burp and proclaimed, "I'm starting my diet tomorrow." A chorus of "me toos" filled the breakroom. The new hippolette Janice appeared in the doorway and made her way to the donut spread, barely stopping to say hello. She took a huge bite out of a glazed donut, turned to the group and said, "Guess we'll all have to get on the treadmill."

And the office sows did get on the treadmill, but not the one at the gym. Rather, they got on the free office food/this is my last time/i'll be good from now on/my diet starts tomorrow treadmill on which they would remain for the rest of their lives.

The End.

--Anonymous
replies 209Sep 20, 2006 11:04 PM +00:00

I visited an office last week and there were permanent free chocolate biscuits in the canteen for the staff. I wonder how OP's piggery would cope with that!

--Anonymous
replies 210Sep 20, 2006 11:25 PM +00:00

This thread is the third cousin, once removed, to the threads that belittle waiters, flight attendents, and retail workers! I am loving it!

--Educated Waiter
replies 211Sep 20, 2006 11:42 PM +00:00

This thread has brought up so many issues regarding food in the office.

* Free Food Hysteria -- This extraordinary condition seems to cross all lines including gender, income level, weight, and place on the corporate ladder. I have seen thin CEOs run to the trough as well as overweight hausfraus. This is especially interesting when the free food is sloppy seconds. It is remarkable thinking about someone who makes $750,000 yearly, rutting through a tray that has already seen fifty hands go through an hour earlier. Fortunately, some fat people abstaine for fear of being easy targets of the thin patrol. And even though I don't want any, please wait for everyone to have a chance before wrapping things up to take home.

* Office Pot Lucks -- These seem to bring out the worst in people. Most times, I will gladly bring a contribution, but eat very little of select items. Many things don't appear very appetizing and there is always the question of preparer cleanliness. I once had a woman tell me that sure she washes her hands after using a public restroom, but at home, she knows her bathroom is clean. I told her that the supposed cleanliness of her bathroom was not the main reason for hand washing, but where she stuck her hands. These are always the people who want to bring rolled (meatballs or candy buckeyes.) Another observation of the pot luck is that those making the most money are always the cheapest. The CEO doesn't bring the ham or turkey. He brings a bag of chips and half a jar of salsa. Lastly, there is the smell! Oh God, the smell! Before I realized the smell was coming from the crockpots in the conference room, I thought for sure that the sewers had backed up in the restrooms. Now, I know why some peoples shit stinks so bad.

* Food Smells in the Office -- Besides the putrid crockpot stench mentioned above, there is the everyday smell of crap being prepared or ingested by people in the office. I thank the fates that the cabbage soup diet fad is over! That is a smell that lingers for hours and induces an uncontrolable gag reflex.

--Anonymous
replies 212Sep 21, 2006 3:47 AM +00:00

The psychology on this thread is fascinating. It's exceedingly obvious that all the rants about "sows" and "pigs" are coming from gay men who continually starve themselves to maintain a 31-inch waist (or don't do so and have no sex life as a result) and deeply resent the fact that their female coworkers are fat *and* not ostracized from husbands, lovers and society for it. Coupled with the usual misogyny-based issues seen here ("Mommy was TERRIBLE to me as a child, and as a result I think all women are evil CUNTS!"), we get a thread already hundreds of posts long that will likely get several hundred more.

That said, I think the term "heifertiti" is one of the cleverest things I've seen in my five years on DataLounge, and R38's photo needs to be placed in the DataLounge Encyclopaedia alongside the definition for "mincing prisspot."

--Anonymous
replies 213Sep 21, 2006 4:28 AM +00:00

Fat is a distraction.

The question of whether the sow (or hog, for that matter) is fat seems fairly beside the point. Yes, some of them are (fat and female), a good many, maybe, but that's only a distraction from the real issues: Gluttony, Greed, Shamelessness.

Only a very cold heart could begrudge a polite, fat woman a single mini-donut from amongst a large spread offered up in the luncheon room. (Okay, even if you're snitty and say she doesn't need it, she's not being gluttonous, greedy, or exhibiting shamelessness; and by no means would the display be so revolting as to put your off your own food and send you scurrying to hide in your cubicle to recover from the debacle.)

--r17/23/38/143 - and not fat (though piggish behavior knows no weight limits)
replies 214Sep 21, 2006 5:24 AM +00:00

"How about a company which tolerates people bringing in their stinky 'ethnic' food every day and driving others out of the lunchroom?"

I've seen this too, R 198, except it was somebody frying up food on a little fryer at her DESK. She was basically begging one of us to complain about it so she could start screaming about how she was being persecuted. The company had to keep instituting new rules to cover her passive-aggressive behavior.

--Anonymous
replies 215Sep 21, 2006 5:42 AM +00:00

"The psychology on this thread is fascinating. It's exceedingly obvious that all the rants about "sows" and "pigs" are coming from gay men who continually starve themselves to maintain a 31-inch waist (or don't do so and have no sex life as a result) and deeply resent the fact that their female coworkers are fat *and* not ostracized from husbands, lovers and society for it. Coupled with the usual misogyny-based issues seen here ("Mommy was TERRIBLE to me as a child, and as a result I think all women are evil CUNTS!"), we get a thread already hundreds of posts long that will likely get several hundred more."

That's quite a mouthful of denial.

--Anonymous
replies 216Sep 21, 2006 5:50 AM +00:00

To r212's point regarding office potlucks.

I am very paranoid about cooking for others (most cases of 24 hour flu are actually food poisoning). When I make grub for a potluck, I'm obsessively clean about it.

Before I cook, I clean everything I'm going to use. Eventho it has been washed, dried and put away already.

When I cook, I wear a hairnet and wash my hands constantly. CONSTANTLY.

Cooking for myself - bah! I don't care really. But for other people - it's a HUGE responsibility and I don't want to make someone ill. That would be horrible.

But I realize not everyone does it.

--Anonymous
replies 217Sep 21, 2006 5:52 AM +00:00

I always try to take the day off if there is going to be an office potluck. Some of the food people bring in is so nasty and all in all, I would prefer not to participate in such office/food rituals.

--Anonymous
replies 218Sep 21, 2006 5:55 AM +00:00

>>This thread is a classic! At my former office, the resident hippoletta used to stock our supply shelves with all sorts of Little Debbie and Hostess snack cakes she would buy in bulk from Costco. <<

Another bullshit post. Where I live, the Costco DOES NOT carry any Little Debbie OR Hostess products!

They have an on premises bakery, as well as a basic snack aisle with items such as Nabisco or Keebler cookies.

They also carry commercial breads as well as fresh baked breads.

Not one Little Debbie/Hostess product in sight!

--Native New Yawker
replies 219Sep 21, 2006 5:56 AM +00:00

I've actually worked in departments where discreet phone calls were made to the people who never rushed headlong for the bounty. This way they could come and quietly take something and leave before the red-faced hoard of shovellers arrived.

--Anonymous
replies 220Sep 21, 2006 5:57 AM +00:00

I'm a piggy about food at home or in a restuarant but food brought in to an office or school or function never seems like food and I'm not interested.

--fat, fat, fattie
replies 221Sep 21, 2006 6:02 AM +00:00

Oh dear, you should just see the sloth in our office. Most of their duties involve mindlessly staring at their monitors and trying to manipulate the males around them to change the toner in the copy machine. But once a vendor enters with a bag of bagels, these gals spring up like deer and practically trample people to get to the treats.

--Anonymous
replies 222Sep 21, 2006 6:10 AM +00:00

R214 makes a much better point than R213; it's not the fat, it's the behavior: that piggy glee that causes them to bolt out of their chairs faster than they would if the building caught fire, and the inexplicable need that some have to hog not only their own (overly generous) share, but to gluttonously hog extras as well, using the ridiculous methods described here.

And as far as any envy over their "not being ostracized" by husbands and families, let me suggest that one of the main reasons for this is simply that THEY'RE FAT TOO. The worst offender in our office proudly displays photos of her fat self, her fatter hubby, and their obese children and grandchildren. It is hard not to experience disdain for some smug pigolettawhose entire life revolves around food, and who makes no effort whatsoever to conceal her greed and lust for it. Like someone above posted, after chowing down a carb/grease loaded breakfast, by 10 am the topic is what fast food trough to feed at for lunch, followed by calls home to discuss what pizza toppings will be ordered for that night's dinner.

It's disgusting, it's totally pervasive in society today, and of course, not limited to offices at all: I know a woman whose elderly mother begs her to take her to "Crab Leg Night" at a local restaurant, but refuses, because the mom shows up with a tote bag lined in wax paper and tinfoil, and keeps it on her lap the entire meal to throw crab legs into!!

--Anonymous
replies 223Sep 21, 2006 6:13 AM +00:00

"mom shows up with a tote bag lined in wax paper and tinfoil, and keeps it on her lap the entire meal to throw crab legs into!!"

That would be exactly like my mother-in-law. She has one excuse. SHE lived through the Great Depression years. But she'd be like that anyway, because basically she's greedy.

--Anonymous
replies 224Sep 21, 2006 6:20 AM +00:00

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!

--Anonymous
replies 225Sep 21, 2006 6:26 AM +00:00

I can't believe it took 8 pages for someone to say that, r225!

--Anonymous
replies 226Sep 21, 2006 6:29 AM +00:00

Sorry, r219, I may have gotten the brand names of the snack cakes wrong (it was a number of years ago when this happened), but the story of our receptionist spraining her ankle when lunging for a treat is absolutely true.

--Anonymous
replies 227Sep 21, 2006 6:31 AM +00:00

Sam's Club sells Little Debbies; it was probably there. Hogs are more likely to belong to Sam's than Costco, IMO.

--Anonymous
replies 228Sep 21, 2006 6:44 AM +00:00

I don't get the appeal of eating food from a communal tray. It seems like an invatation for bacteria. I don't begrudge anyone who eats thr free food I just dont get it. It's the same reason I wont eat peanuts at a bar or samples at whole foods.

--Anonymous
replies 229Sep 21, 2006 6:47 AM +00:00

I have re-read this thread about three times. I know it's not good karma to laugh at people but some of the behavior described here is so outrageous I can't help it.

It reminds me of the "freaks you work with" thread.

--Anonymous
replies 230Sep 21, 2006 6:48 AM +00:00

bump

--Anonymous
replies 231Sep 21, 2006 7:01 AM +00:00

I have never worked in an office, and based on this thread, I'm fortunate that I never will have to.

This thread is brutal and I absolutely love it.

--Anonymous
replies 232Sep 21, 2006 7:03 AM +00:00

Not that I'm in disagreement with any of the posts, but I was wondering -- would everyone feel differently if those rushing for the food were thin? It seems that the "biggest" sin in the entire scenario is being FAT!

Cheap, greedy, insensitive, unclean, crass, cruel, inept, etc. -- OK, but not FAT!

--Anonymous
replies 233Sep 21, 2006 7:17 AM +00:00

Uh, anyone who thinks that one has to 'starve' oneself to get a 30-32 inch waist is living in another universe.

A 30-32 inch waist is NORMAL on a man. You do not have to starve yourself in order to get there. You have to behave normally and not eat 10,000 calories a day, and maybe get up from your Cheeto-dusted couch and WALK for ten minutes.

Only in this disgusting, entitled-American, greedy, troglodyte infested society would a fat sow assume that a 40 inch waist was "normal".

Grow up. The world was not put here in order to supply food for your gaping pie-hole.

--Anonymous
replies 234Sep 21, 2006 7:30 AM +00:00

Bullshit R234. You have no idea. I walked three hours a day and was still morbidly obese.

--Anonymous
replies 235Sep 21, 2006 7:44 AM +00:00

R235,Not only a LIAR but a FAT one.

--Anonymous
replies 236Sep 21, 2006 7:48 AM +00:00

LOL!!

--Anonymous
replies 237Sep 21, 2006 7:59 AM +00:00

When I am in the office I never eat the office food that is brought it. I also never eat the birthday party food. I do try to eat healthy and if I am going to go off the diet I am going to make it count...its not going to be for a slab cake. Having said that, what always gets me is how insistant the office ladies are with me about eating a piece of cake. "But its Mary's cake and its her birthday!" As if I am disrespecting her for not eating a piece of cake purchased at Vons that has no taste other than "sugar".

That said, when I go out to other companies I always bring a ton of food and contrary to OP's point, I intend for it to go to the office heiffers. In fact, I bring so much food that I don't care if they take 4 bagels. THESE are the ladies that run the place, control the access, bail me out when I need it, etc. I'm not going to make my sale or keep our contract based on whether the VP likes Krispy Kremes... but these ladies care about the food I bring and I want them on my side. I once walked into an 8 person office with EIGHT pizzas from Costco and when I had to return to pick up a check the next evening I could see that they were nearly all gone from the lunchroom. I wished I could have put one of those time lapse cameras on the wall and recorded the ladies going in and out of the lunchroom for 'one more piece of pizza".

--Anonymous
replies 238Sep 21, 2006 8:04 AM +00:00

r234 it doesnt help if after walking three hours a day you then feed on a cow.

--Anonymous
replies 239Sep 21, 2006 8:05 AM +00:00

Um, that's because you were shovelling down McDonald's, Oreos, and any other shit within reaching distance 235 before and after (and most likely during) your three hour walk.

"Walking" for three hours is NOT going to burn off 15,000 calories of gulped-down garbage.

--Anonymous
replies 240Sep 21, 2006 8:12 AM +00:00

"The psychology on this thread is fascinating."

Um, not really.

--Anonymous
replies 241Sep 21, 2006 8:36 AM +00:00

My coworker is eating his lunch at his desk next to mine.

He is slurping it. Making awful noises. He does it all the time.

I hate noisy food eaters.

--Anonymous
replies 242Sep 21, 2006 9:53 AM +00:00

Squealy Mcbump

--Anonymous
replies 243Sep 21, 2006 2:07 PM +00:00

"I like "Office Sow" and "heifertities", but I love "hippoletta."

Joan, the resident office sow made a mad dash for the breakroom as soon as word got around that donuts would be served. Jiggling close behind, the young hippoletta Carleen, Fran, and Wendy, tried to remain calm, but were anxious to find out if their favorite donut variety was still left. Upon their arrival in the breakroom and an enourmous spread of six dozen donuts, all of the heifertities shared a relieved laugh as they dug into the glazed, powdered, sugared, and cream-filled trough.

"I know I shouldn't" proclaimed Joan, to which Wendy replied, "one's not gonna hurt." Fran declared, "I'll be good for the rest of the week," to which the others noodded in agreement while chewing. Carleen let out a small burp and proclaimed, "I'm starting my diet tomorrow." A chorus of "me toos" filled the breakroom. The new hippolette Janice appeared in the doorway and made her way to the donut spread, barely stopping to say hello. She took a huge bite out of a glazed donut, turned to the group and said, "Guess we'll all have to get on the treadmill."

And the office sows did get on the treadmill, but not the one at the gym. Rather, they got on the free office food/this is my last time/i'll be good from now on/my diet starts tomorrow treadmill on which they would remain for the rest of their lives.

The End."

LOL. I'm crying.

--Anonymous
replies 244Sep 21, 2006 2:11 PM +00:00

"Some of the heifertitis in this office...."

Is that pronounced like the plural of Nefertiti, or like hepatitis?

--Anonymous
replies 245Sep 21, 2006 2:47 PM +00:00

Like the plural of nefertiti.

--Anonymous
replies 246Sep 21, 2006 3:02 PM +00:00

This doesn't just go for the office food. I had a boss - an amazing person - who would take each department out to the restaurant of the department's choice for lunch once a year, and then at Christmas would take all of the employees (about 30) out for a holiday lunch. All of it on his own dime, and he wasn't exactly loaded. The departments with men would pick places that were good but reasonably priced, taking into consideration that the boss was paying for it out of his own pocket. The all-female department would pick the most expensive places they could find, e.g. $250+tax+tip lunch for seven people with no alcohol served, and this isn't in a big city. The only time I ever heard the boss grumble about these lunches was after the all-female lunches, but he never said anything to them.

--Anonymous
replies 247Sep 21, 2006 8:26 PM +00:00

I remember well the days I was forced to work in an office. The birthday cakes that were basically sugar. I hate the Crisco/powdered frosting so I would scrape it off the cake and make the poor cake edible. I kid you not the Queen sized ladies would also sidle up to me and ask if I wasn't going to eat the frosting they would take it so it wouldn't go to waste. That was the first time realized waste/waist sound the same. Not the last time though.

--Anonymous
replies 248Sep 21, 2006 8:40 PM +00:00

"it was sow warfare!" "resident office sow"

BWAHAHAHAHA!

--Anonymous
replies 249Sep 21, 2006 9:26 PM +00:00

Hey OP, Wal-mart's hiring.

--Anonymous
replies 250Sep 21, 2006 9:41 PM +00:00

Last time I worked in a corporate setting, every other day was someone's birthday.

At first, I'd sign the card that went around and throw in a buck for the cake. Then I realized: they can't fire me for not caring about their birthdays.

So I gave no donations, signed no cards, and... well, I never touched any of that poisonous confectionary slab anyway.

"Have some cake!"

"I don't eat cake. I'm not a cake eater."

"But it's so good!"

"Perhaps to your commoner's palate."

My co-workers never liked me.

--Anonymous
replies 251Sep 21, 2006 9:53 PM +00:00

much applause DL, much! it has been a while since a really good thread kept on rolling it out - but sow-tasia has made it. Thanks, thanks!

--Anonymous
replies 252Sep 21, 2006 10:30 PM +00:00

Eat shit, R128; my $15/year is as good as yours. Discrimination? Ever hear of it?? YOu want straight people to tell YOU what sites you should frequent??

This is why we (sometimes) hate you.

--Anonymous
replies 253Sep 21, 2006 10:33 PM +00:00

R174, hysterical! loved it!

--Anonymous
replies 254Sep 21, 2006 10:40 PM +00:00

"They were in a high snit as they lumbered back to their stalls!"

I am laughing out loud, for reals, where I should not be. DL - you win!

--Anonymous
replies 255Sep 21, 2006 10:57 PM +00:00

Piggy Bump!!!!!!

--Anonymous
replies 256Sep 23, 2006 7:30 AM +00:00

253 take your fat straight ass, and haul it to some site for fat, fag hags.

--Anonymous
replies 257Sep 23, 2006 8:51 AM +00:00

When did the work place stop being for work?

--Anonymous
replies 258Sep 23, 2006 8:57 AM +00:00
Me? I sat sedately at my desk, sipping my black coffee, waiting for the rep to approach me. It is too embarassing to be in there with those rutting pigs.

Clutching your pearls, no doubt.

--Anonymous
replies 259Sep 23, 2006 9:07 AM +00:00
On several occasions I have noticed women coming out of the bathroom without washing their hands. Oh, there are plenty of those, or the ones who just rinse their hands without using soap. A young woman I used to work with said that she didn't think she should have to wash her hands after peeing because she didn't pee on her hands. lol.

Sorry to change the topic of the thread...carry on with the fat assed freeloaders.

--Anonymous
replies 260Sep 23, 2006 9:07 AM +00:00

I used to work at a place where the receptionist would "raid" other dept. snack tables; she would sneak upstairs while our dept. was out to lunch or at the cubes where we couldn't see the table, she'd pig out. She wasn't invited, didn't contribute and continued to do this until the cow, yes she was huge - US dress size 28-32, was terminated for cruising celebrity news all day on the internet.

My boss at the same place bought a cheap canned ham and sliced it; I bought an expensive smoked ham and she put mine in the fridge leaving hers to be eaten first. She took mine home. We are friends years after leaving the company, she's still cheap as hell. btw, she's quite wealthy and I'm quite broke...who is the smart one here?

--Anonymous
replies 261Sep 23, 2006 9:36 AM +00:00

At my old job (which was small, about 18 employees) it was the opposite believe it or not--all the men (executives) would rush for the food when it came (we had lunch catered on mondays), and the girls would nibble and pick.

Every other office I've worked at has been filled with fat women rushing for the doughnuts.

Oh, at one office, we were delivered a box of nice chocolates from Switzerland. I go to get one, and discover that someone had cut them all in half, most likely to see what kind is inside. Now, I do this at home with my OWN box of chocolates, would never do it that in an office setting!

I would love to hear from Europeans in this thread; do you have to deal with the same thing?

--Anonymous
replies 262Sep 23, 2006 9:55 AM +00:00

I completely agree with the posters who have said that hot foods do not belong in the office. In my office we occasionally have the leftover Chinese food heated up in the microwave in the breakroom and the smell is putrid.

I've noticed that the office sows just love it when someone has a birthday because not only does it mean they can behave like pigs with the birthday cake, but they can also neglect their jobs and hang out in the breakroom for an hour or so. Meanwhile, the rest of us are picking up the slack at our desks.

--Anonymous
replies 263Sep 23, 2006 11:27 AM +00:00

I'd like to know that, too, r258.

All this "touchy feely" crap gets on my nerves. I wasn't hired to hang out and gossip and eat.

--Anonymous
replies 264Sep 23, 2006 11:44 AM +00:00

Oh, at one office, we were delivered a box of nice chocolates from Switzerland. I go to get one, and discover that someone had cut them all in half, most likely to see what kind is inside.

Be glad whoever it was didn't pinch them and put them back in the box (� la Ethel Mertz or my grandmother).

--Anonymous
replies 265Sep 23, 2006 12:01 PM +00:00

LOL, r248. That's so gross, and yet so believable.

--Anonymous
replies 266Sep 23, 2006 12:18 PM +00:00

Sounds like the title of Spike Lee's new documentary about Congressional spending.

--Anonymous
replies 267Sep 23, 2006 2:42 PM +00:00

R263- Like posting on DL during work hours???

Is that considered "picking up the slack?"

--Anonymous
replies 268Sep 23, 2006 3:56 PM +00:00

It's Saturday, r268. I have the day off. And you're probably a sow yourself.

--r263
replies 269Sep 23, 2006 4:10 PM +00:00

Huh. At my workplace, it's the IT dept. that houses the sows. They're mostly not fat, just dorky. Last summer, I worked on the same floor as IT, and I was responsible for getting a couple of pizzas each week for a standing meeting. I was bringing some leftovers to the kitchen one day, when a woman from IT saw me carrying the box. She asked if that was going to the kitchen, and when I said yes, she said, "I'll take that," grabbed the whole thing, and walked off without another word. After that, I put the leftovers on a table that only our department would see.

There's another woman that keeps a stash of Tupperware just for the occasions when leftovers from catered meeting are brought out. She will rush over and while people wait behind her for their share, she will carefully pack three containers and put them away in a bag to take home later. She is also not fat, more like a constantly chewing giraffe.

I used to work with a woman who heated up gefilte fish in the microwave for lunch. I'll leave you to imagine the stench.

--Anonymous
replies 270Sep 23, 2006 6:57 PM +00:00

"-slurp... slurp... slurp... will you stop that disgusting slurping, you disgusting slurping animal, feeding yourself. What would it matter to yourself or anyone if you just stopped feeding and DIED!"

--Homeless Woman
replies 271Sep 23, 2006 8:28 PM +00:00

"in the new century, we will all be sow-sane".

--Anonymous
replies 272Sep 24, 2006 2:38 AM +00:00

bumpita

--Anonymous
replies 273Oct 5, 2006 3:47 AM +00:00

I love r23!

--Anonymous
replies 274Oct 5, 2006 4:33 AM +00:00

...

--Anonymous
replies 275Oct 5, 2006 8:08 AM +00:00

"Having said that, what always gets me is how insistant the office ladies are with me about eating a piece of cake. "But its Mary's cake and its her birthday!" As if I am disrespecting her for not eating a piece of cake purchased at Vons that has no taste other than "sugar"."

This happened to me at my last job. Someone brought in an elaborately expensive birthday cheesecake with caramel and nuts all over the top, and the birthday girl tried to pressure me into eating it.

"I'm allergic to nuts."

"But it's my birthday."

"I'll DIE."

"But it's my birthday. Couldn't you have just a little?"

--Anonymous
replies 276Oct 5, 2006 9:10 AM +00:00

Dear God, one of the heifertitis came back to the office with waht can only be described as a "slop bucket". It's some gelatinous combination of corn chicken tenders, gravy, mash potatos all slopped together in one bowl. From some one of these franchise places, I'm assuming called TFK or HTC, something like that.I don't even see why she used a fork for this mess. She should have just buried her snout in the bowl and gone to town.

--Anonymous
replies 277Oct 5, 2006 9:15 AM +00:00

"Sorry, hot foods have no place in an office setting, smelly sandwiches and burgers included."

Boo freaking hoo. You leave your home, you're going to be annoyed by other people. That's life. Deal with it.

--Anonymous
replies 278Oct 5, 2006 9:22 AM +00:00

This morning, a woman who was having business visitors over to visit in her office left a platter with several bagles, muffins and pieces of coffee cake in the office pantry and got sidetracked with work for a few minutes. When she came back to the pantry, her food was gone. Two hog hausfraus had run in and gobbled up the goodies, thinking they were left over from a meeting. Totally disgusting. I'm with you, OP!

--Anonymous
replies 279Oct 5, 2006 9:30 AM +00:00

How stupid are the people who keep referring to women who work in offices as 'hausfraus?' Please refrain in future from using words you don't understand. TIA

--Linguist
replies 280Oct 5, 2006 10:13 AM +00:00

Overplayed, R277.

From some one of these franchise places, I'm assuming called TFK or HTC, something like that.

Everyone on the planet has heard of KFC, and that slop bucket was the subject of numerous threads on DL when it debuted about 6 months ago.

Merely acknowledging the existence of fast food establishments will not make you gain weight, Nicole.

--Paris
replies 281Oct 5, 2006 10:46 AM +00:00

Please enlighten me on what is acceptable to eat in the office, since hot food is apparently verboten.

Currently I have a banana and a caffeine-free Diet Coke at my desk. Is that beyond the bounds of good taste?

--curious
replies 282Oct 5, 2006 10:56 AM +00:00

Linguist/R280, sorry I misused the word. But there's no reason to take that tone, Missy. OK, so they're office-sows. Misusing a word does NOT lessen the horror of what they are and what they did this morning!

--R279
replies 283Oct 5, 2006 10:57 AM +00:00

Wow. I can't believe some of the stories on this thread. I work for a university in the Boston area and my dept. gets a mostly untouched tray of left-over cookies and fresh fruit every Tuesday and Thursday from a faculty meeting. The fruit is gone in no time, but the cookies tend to linger and eventually are thrown away.

BTW - I've noticed that there aren't as many hugely overweight people in the Boston area, as, say, a city in the mid-west or south. There are a few heavies, but they are not the norm.

--Anonymous
replies 284Oct 5, 2006 11:08 AM +00:00

I like the way R5 thiniks.

--Anonymous
replies 285Oct 5, 2006 2:16 PM +00:00

"I dread the approach of the holidays this year. My office has banned Christmas gifts because of the behavior exhibited by these piglets last year. When a Harry and David box showed up, it was sow warfare!"

I can't breathe I'm laughing so hard. Thanks R13

--Anonymous
replies 286Oct 5, 2006 2:34 PM +00:00

280 Linguist - see my "House Cow Vocabulary Lesson Thread" and "weigh in".

--Thin Man
replies 287Oct 5, 2006 2:42 PM +00:00

What does "KFC" stand for? TIA!

--Anonymous
replies 288Oct 5, 2006 2:42 PM +00:00

"Kentucky Fried Cunts"

--Anonymous
replies 289Oct 5, 2006 3:17 PM +00:00

Our group of 17 has the office scavenger as a member. Anytime any food is served, you can bet Dana is going to have a big bag to carry home. In August, we decided to have a Thanksgiving themed dinner. I was one of three to bring dessert. The other two brought traditional desserts, I brought 6 half gallons of ice cream with the fixings to make a fountain dessert. After all the people had their fill and went back to work, Dana swooped in left with a copy paper box full of food. Imagine my surprise, to find out Dana took ALL of the ice cream home without even asking me if it was OK.

I complained to the powers that be, who have heard this story before. I suggested they let me send an open letter to the entire organization stating my complaint, as long as I didn't name names. They agreed. My letter was compassionate, and there was no doubt who I was complaining about. She hasn't spoken to me since.

This happened almost 2 months ago. Anytime food is served, Dana goes home empty handed.

--Anonymous
replies 290Oct 5, 2006 3:52 PM +00:00

See? This is what all these cunts in here aren't addressing. Their fixation with FOOD!! It's pandemic! It really is!

But their sugarcoatin it (forgive the pun) with all this....all this...hoo ha.

STOP EATING HEIFERS!!!

--Anonymous
replies 291Oct 5, 2006 4:07 PM +00:00

"sow warfare" Heh, heh.

--Anonymous
replies 292Oct 6, 2006 3:57 AM +00:00

How is it possible for so many FAT, crude, classless people to be working in offices alongside you big-city queens? I was under the impression that EVERYONE in NYC was THIN, sophisticated, and cultured. At least that is the dribble presented on DL. Geez, make up your minds!

--Anonymous
replies 293Oct 6, 2006 5:00 AM +00:00

I have never worked in an office, but at my aunt's wake two years ago, my great aunt actually complained to my mother (who had arranged the whole thing, and my aunt was her only sibling and was young-ish when she was killed) that the food wasn't suitable for her to take home as leftovers (as it wasn't finger food or something that could be easily wrapped in napkins and taken home in a handbag). We still talk about how mindbogglingly rude that was.

--Anonymous
replies 294Oct 6, 2006 10:55 AM +00:00

OH MY...I am about to be sick. I came in and there were pieces of cake by our desks and me and my coworker started eating ours. The guy who sits across from us then informed us that the office heifertiti had brought the cake in and carried the pieces around in her BARE HANDS and set them by our desks. I about gagged because this is a very large woman with body odor, who loudly complains about constant yeast infections and has a note from her doctor that she has to go to the bathroom hourly. Also, last month she left a huge blood stain from her period on her chair. ACK! Why in the hell would she carry them around in her hands? I am about puking here.

--This is TRUE, I am not an EST
replies 295Oct 6, 2006 11:14 AM +00:00

My bf would like to bake and make fudge and then take it all in to his office every day starting just after Thanksgiving. His nasty bitch coworkers would gobble it all down and then at New Year's he would look at their enormity and claim some small revenge.

--Anonymous
replies 296Oct 6, 2006 11:19 AM +00:00

So in other words, R295, you and your co worker ate the cake right off the desk...no plate?

Come on now...

--If you're going to construct an EST, think it through!
replies 297Oct 6, 2006 11:31 AM +00:00

Some pig in our office microwaved some shrimp dish and the entire break room has smelled like DEAD BODY all afternoon! Pee-YEW!!

--Anonymous
replies 298Oct 6, 2006 11:49 AM +00:00

r297 - our pieces of cake were on a napkin, but she carried them in her palms (bare hands). *shudder* That woman is a walking yeast infection.

--r295 - Not an EST
replies 299Oct 6, 2006 1:19 PM +00:00

A moose booty on Wednesday made a big to do about bringing swedish meatballs (who eats that shit for lunch anyways?) for our office (she's in another division) and in a separate container she had provided plain egg noodles. Very thoughtful huh?

Well, today a coworker was approached by moose booty and asked if anyone had tried the meatballs to which my coworker said "no", because we all had a business lunch outside today. To which moose booty replied "NO ONE at ALL?!?!?" seems moose booty got hungry went to OUR refrigerator which isn't even in her division and ate all the meatballs leaving us only noodles. Classy, huh?

Surreal. I'm talking a lot of meatballs too.

--Anonymous
replies 300Oct 6, 2006 1:39 PM +00:00

300 posts, one for each pound of each sow.

--Anonymous
replies 301Oct 6, 2006 1:41 PM +00:00

"I used to work at a place where the receptionist would "raid" other dept. snack tables; she would sneak upstairs while our dept. was out to lunch or at the cubes where we couldn't see the table, she'd pig out. She wasn't invited, didn't contribute and continued to do this until the cow, yes she was huge - US dress size 28-32, was terminated for cruising celebrity news all day on the internet."

Sounds like she's one of DL's resident fatties

--Anonymous
replies 302Oct 6, 2006 2:08 PM +00:00

"Oh, at one office, we were delivered a box of nice chocolates from Switzerland. I go to get one, and discover that someone had cut them all in half, most likely to see what kind is inside. Now, I do this at home with my OWN box of chocolates, would never do it that in an office setting!"

We had one who'd squish them with her fingers to find the soft centers

--Anonymous
replies 303Oct 6, 2006 2:12 PM +00:00

Funniest thing on here is that some idiot quoted "The Edible Woman" to point out that people graze like pigs and others are disgusted by it in literature (and that it's funny).

But the protagonist is a woman with a severe eating disorder who is having a mental breakdown. Not exactly a POV you'd aspire to unless you're, well, insane.

--Anonymous
replies 304Oct 6, 2006 2:16 PM +00:00

I sit each and every day and watch this hausfrau eating....CHEETOS and TYPING !! Hos GROSS can that be?!?!?

--Anonymous
replies 305Oct 6, 2006 2:16 PM +00:00

Ewwww!

--Anonymous
replies 306Oct 7, 2006 4:46 AM +00:00

R61 is very wise.

--Anonymous
replies 307Oct 7, 2006 4:50 AM +00:00

R290, we have one of those in my department too named "Sarah". She also thinks she is entitled to any and all leftovers, which she often starts to pack up before everyone has eaten. One time she yelled at me for throwing out about half a cup of (nasty) leftover punch. Also, about 3 or 4 times a year, our department will go out to a restaurant for lunch at the company's expense. Everyone usually just orders a lunch entree and either a soup or salad. Sarah has been known to order an appetizer, an expensive dinner entree (such as a full rack of ribs instead of the lunch portion), soup, and a salad. After eating as much as she can, she'll then order desert to go. Then we all have to sit there and wait for the server to package it up and bring it to her, along with her several other to-go boxes because she couldn't possibly eat everything she had ordered. She does this right in front of the VP of our department, who always looks disgusted but never says anything about it to her. Then she complains about not getting promotions or the raises she feels she deserves.

--Anonymous
replies 308Oct 10, 2006 11:15 AM +00:00

Sweet Lord, where do you people work?

--Anonymous
replies 309Oct 10, 2006 11:22 AM +00:00

Corporate cube farm, r309. These people are all over.

--Anonymous
replies 310Oct 10, 2006 11:25 AM +00:00

Our company just merged with another office, and we are expecting four or five new claims adjusters to join us on Wednesday for their first day. So our manager thinks it would be nice to have a "welcome" lunch for them, and has offered to pop for pizza and salads for the entire office, dispatched the head sow to set this up.

I kid you not, she has spent the ENTIRE DAY trotting around from cubicle to cubicle (we only have about 20 employees total), holding a clipboard that she is drooling onto as she surveys each employee asking them what type of pizza they like. "Do you think 6 is enough? What about salad dressing? Don't you think we should have some type of dessert?" and on and on, with her piggy eyes sparkling in anticipation.

In the ideal world, I would love to have screamed at her: "Waddle your fat ass back to your sow pen!"

--Anonymous
replies 311Oct 10, 2006 12:10 PM +00:00

I like how many porcine adjectives, metaphors and similes some of you have crammed (piggishly i daresay) into your posts on this thread. Truly entertaining.

I also picture OP wearing a sleek black turtleneck and designer eyeglasses as he sips his black coffee in a haughty manner.

--Anonymous
replies 312Oct 10, 2006 12:24 PM +00:00

The hippo in our office consistently says "Oops! Time for a visit to the chocolate factory!" whenever she has to take a dump.

How delightful.

--Anonymous
replies 313Oct 10, 2006 2:41 PM +00:00

.

--Anonymous
replies 314Oct 24, 2006 4:23 PM +00:00

LOVE this thread!!!!

--Anonymous
replies 315Nov 28, 2006 2:27 AM +00:00

I have to say one of the most unsympathetic sights is a fat person with a big box of Krispy Kremes. I mean, c'mon--are they even trying?

--Anonymous
replies 316Nov 28, 2006 2:41 AM +00:00

We had a receptionist who'd say "She's on the toilet" whenever one of the prettier women was unavailable to take her calls.

--Anonymous
replies 317Nov 28, 2006 2:46 AM +00:00

When I was a Team Administrator, I sometimes had to organise team socials, including food. It was very annoying, when most of the platters were meat-laden stuff, to watch the carniverous hogs also chow down on the few vegetarian morsels as well. Fine if there was lots to go round, but there really wasn't and people blatantly took more than their fair share. Honestly, what is it about 'free' food that makes people into utterly selfish gluttons??

I was also shocked when I held a small gathering round my place earlier this year for a few office 'pals', where I provided a small buffet, to watch them shoveling it down their guts endlessly only to leave unceremoniously once it had run out! It really was shameless. They made gluttons of themselves, and showed interest only in eating whilst I tried to explain a card game to them. Exceedingly rude.

It literally was like the bit in the Simpsons where they go "Can't talk.. eating!". Needless to say, this was pretty much the last straw for me as far as hosting parties is concerned.

As far as I can see, the only acceptable time to 'pig-out' at a buffet is when there is shit loads of food and everyone else is doing the same i.e. a wedding reception or some big party. I am always amazed by the people who can't work this out.

--angry young brit
replies 318Nov 28, 2006 3:07 AM +00:00

Oh, come ON, AYB! Why in the world would you even bother to socialize with your co-workers outside of the office?

Frankly, there are very few people I can tolerate around here (too cliquish) and NO ONE I would invite to a dinner party at my place.

With the holiday season coming up, I'm sure we'll be hearing more of these horror stories. Ugh.

--Anonymous
replies 319Nov 28, 2006 3:46 AM +00:00

LOL!! @ 317.

That EXACT thing happened to me the other day! I have always, perhaps naively, perceived women as having a "tacit womanly agreement" in regards to references of using the restroom, etc. I was at the elevator bank yesterday and saw one of the female interns leaning by one of the elevators as if she were waiting on someone and I asked her "Is everything okay?" and she's leaning there with her arms crossed and said..verbatim.."Yeah, just waiting for "Bishop's" (the girl's LAST name)"steamer" to die down. She just got through pinching a loaf in the crapper".

It wasn't just her referring to another female colleague's LAST name military style, but I'm sure that this other women would have cringed had she known this. I just felt that it was very purposeful and deliberate.

I should have prefaced this post by mentioning that Bishop is a vegetarian.

--Anonymous
replies 320Nov 28, 2006 4:12 AM +00:00

I tend to not believe 98% of any of this.

--Anonymous
replies 321Nov 28, 2006 4:55 AM +00:00

How nice for you, R321! Obviously you've never worked in an office, because I can assure you that 98% of it? Is dead on.

--Anonymous
replies 322Nov 28, 2006 5:00 AM +00:00

I tend to believe r321 has never known the true "joy" of living in a cube farm.

Get out this holiday season, r321. You might be surprised at the crass, greedy behavior of those around you!

Think "Black Friday" at WalMart but instead of fighting over toys, these people are fighting over food!

--Anonymous
replies 323Nov 28, 2006 5:43 AM +00:00

bump

--Anonymous
replies 324Nov 28, 2006 2:06 PM +00:00

At my Office the older women are big on attending funerals en masse whenever a former co-worker (and there are 100's) dies. I look forward to these events because it gets then out of the office from 10 to at least 1 and sometimes 2 in the afternoon.

Apparently the custom is for the Ladies' Auxillary at the various churches to prepare a post-funeral lunch buffet of sandwiches and salads which is paid for by the departed's family. At the Catholic Church you can get chicken, chicken and ham, or chicken, roast beef and ham.

God help you if your family doesn't sport for the full 3 meat buffet because they discuss it for days. After the last one I heard one of them say "as much money as she had and they didn't have beef."

--Anonymous
replies 325Nov 28, 2006 3:00 PM +00:00

The hysterical bitch-faced queen who was having a meltdown in another thread about a dodgy $15 pie he bought should have just saved himself some heartache and taken it in to work. Sounds like these bitches will eat anything!

--Anonymous
replies 326Nov 29, 2006 2:54 AM +00:00

Well, let's hear some tales about how cow-orkers (teehee) are battling over the contents of holiday gift baskets.

--Anonymous
replies 327Dec 15, 2006 6:09 PM +00:00

Let's not. The thought of bloodshed and maimed bodies during the holidays is a bit of a downer.

--Anonymous
replies 328Dec 15, 2006 6:31 PM +00:00

After Christmas every year my elderly Aunt gives me a platter of her Christmas cookies. Her cookies are terrible, but I don't want to hurt her feelings so I thank her for the cookies and then just bring them to work the next day. I kid you not, when I put those cookies out the whole platter is empty within 15 minutes from all the office sows pouncing on it.

--Anonymous
replies 329Dec 15, 2006 6:42 PM +00:00

Well, then restrict yourself to threads about fluffy kittens and group hugs.

--Advisor
replies 330Dec 15, 2006 6:43 PM +00:00

A lady from Sales was sweet enough to purchase a platter of cookies for each department in our company. Nice gesture.

On Friday not wanting to leave the cookies out even though they were covered. Someone from one department put the platter in the fridge for over the weekend, Someone else from another department obviously thought that this was a good idea and decided to put their cookie platter in also.

To accomodate for space, this second person decided to consolidate the two platters into one as this seemed to make sense. The ensueing melee that this is going to trigger when the cow-workers see this, well let's just say that it's going to be a bloodbath on Monday.

I guarantee you that the cookies will be counted.

--Anonymous
replies 331Dec 17, 2006 5:00 AM +00:00

OP I love your post.

--Anonymous
replies 332Dec 17, 2006 5:11 AM +00:00

"Why do people eat that stuff, anyway? I'd take in a veggie tray. They probably wouldn't touch it."

Laughing hysterically, imagining what would happen if someone brought a holiday platter of healthful crudite to our office. The fat asses would be... fuming. The dilemmic quandary that this would throw some of them in..."It's food and it's.. free , but, but,..it's not sweet and there's no icing or sprinkles or..or.. ANYTHING!

What IS this strange orange colored substance you call a "carrot"?

--Anonymous
replies 333Dec 17, 2006 5:22 AM +00:00

I was TOTALLY repulsed last night at the movie theater. Thought Monday would be the slowest night and my best bet to avoid the tourist crush, but just as the lights were dimming two cunts waddled in ....rattle, rattle, rattle and it's.....MC'DONALDS fare!!

Stunk up the entire three rows w/ greasy fries and burger and they were sitting ONE seat away from me. I very pointedly gave her a look of total disgust.

One of the cunts was eating the fries out of the box WITH HER FUCKING MOUTH. Like she was bobbing for god damn apples.

Disgusting.

Where do these cows come from?!?!?

--Anonymous
replies 334Dec 19, 2006 3:15 AM +00:00

Today is our studio (office) Christmas party. The Heiferazzi have their Tupperware ready to go. They brought it in yesterday in preparation.

There will be two buffets, and the prep work started late in the day yesterday. They were just salivating at the arrival of heating appliances and punch bowls.

I think all of the extra food will keep them happy over their joyless holidays. Bonus points, they're all wearing festive sweaters. I love trash culture!

--Anonymous
replies 335Dec 20, 2006 4:28 AM +00:00

More! More!

I love Office Heifertitis Christmas horror stories!!

--Anonymous
replies 336Dec 20, 2006 5:05 AM +00:00

Cross reference to the very entertaining "Heifertiti Chorus" thread.

--Anonymous
replies 337Dec 20, 2006 6:34 AM +00:00

R337? Do you know how to link, dumbass?

Offsite Link
--Anonymous
replies 338Dec 20, 2006 6:37 AM +00:00

It's been quite the feast for the cubefraus this morning. A new employee bravely brought in a huge tray of Baked red potatoes with sausage slices mixed in and you should have seen the stampede just to get a plastic plate! One woman literally took three large scoops of it, nearly covering the ambrosia salad she had piled on. A lonbe broccoli tray sits on the table, ever so undisturbed.

--And this is just BREAKFAST today....
replies 339Dec 20, 2006 6:43 AM +00:00

ROFLMAO!!

In our glass walled office the upper executive level looks down over the cubefrau herd below. We often send cookies or some crap down there under the guise of the holidays etc. and always laugh hysterically at the herd movement this initiates whenever anything edible arrives for everyone.

It's like something from Animal Planet.Sadly we have a bunch of heifertitis who bring tin foil with them to work. What kind of lives must these women lead outside the office?

--Anonymous
replies 340Dec 20, 2006 7:16 AM +00:00

We had a receptionist who'd say "She's on the toilet" whenever one of the prettier women was unavailable to take her calls.

This is my favorite post of the thread. Talk about passive-aggressive!

--Anonymous
replies 341Dec 20, 2006 7:23 AM +00:00

Have you discussed your obsessive-compulsive issues with overweight middle-aged women with your therapist, dear?

--Anonymous
replies 342Dec 20, 2006 7:34 AM +00:00

It's a wonderland of meat and cheese trays here today. There's bad weather coming this evening so all the suppliers brought their Christmas goodies today to beat the weather.

The women are completely overhwlemed by it all.

This afternoon they will steal vast quantities of sliced beef, turkey and ham and take it home in their purses.

I'm almost certain an entire box of Ritz Crackers has already vanished.

--Anonymous
replies 343Dec 20, 2006 7:55 AM +00:00

This thread is hilarious. A few days ago one of the companies in my office tower was generous enough to host a christmas buffet in the lobby for everyone in the building. Sweet fucking Jesus you should have seen the chaos that ensued! Several sows in the lobby were calling their co-workers ON THEIR CELL PHONES to tell them there was "free food" (yes, those were their exact words) in the lobby. As word spread throughout the building like wildfire, the elevators began unloading their cargo of giddily salivating heifertitis, cubefraus, and hippolettas; many of whom were decked out in holiday-themed sweaters.

My co-worker and I stood back in horrified amazement as these sows rutted over to the long buffet tables and piled mountains of food on their plates as if they hadn't eaten in a week. Some of them even went back for seconds! It was disgusting and low-class.

When my co-worker and I went over to one of the representatives of the company who put on the buffet and thanked her for her generosity, she really appreciated it. Did any of the sows go over and say thank you? None that I saw. I can't believe some people can be so tacky.

--Anonymous
replies 344Dec 20, 2006 8:09 AM +00:00

I wonder what people say behind the backs of all of you who are so judgmental of these kindly called "sows."

My guess is there is plenty to laugh about where all of you are concerned.

The next time you get pissed because someone judged you or was intolerant of you or just plain laughed at you either to your face or behind your back think about the things you said in this thread or the things you think about these "sows."

How shallow and empty a life those who spend the better part of their lives watching what and how others eat must have.

--Anonymous
replies 345Dec 20, 2006 8:23 AM +00:00

I don't know who is more pathetic on this thread - the gluttonous cubefrauen or the pearl-clutching, prisspot posters.

Right now it's dead even.

--Anonymous
replies 346Dec 20, 2006 8:27 AM +00:00

The holiday food-for-all never ceases to amaze me. This year hasn't been quite as bizarre as in years past, tho.

I have to admit I'm a little disappointed. This year you had to walk from floor to floor in order to get the food. That sort of put the kabosh on some people stampeding to the meat trays since they were on the top floor.

--Anonymous
replies 347Dec 20, 2006 8:29 AM +00:00

Because people who are treated like shit in this world should not treat others like shit. They should have more compassion.

--a prisspot poster
replies 348Dec 20, 2006 8:30 AM +00:00

I brought 4 cakes from a catered event last night for the staff this morning. The caterers insisted as he did not want the food wasted, which I agree. Cakes were brought in at 9am. The heifaloopalas have already tinfoiled their claims and labeled their portions. One actually TOOK half a cake and has it tinfoiled and it is now in the freezer.

I could never in a million years do something like this. I see some of the guys reluctantly cutting a sliver, because the fat asses insist that they "take a bite" because "it's the holidays" to assuage their own guilt. Every single piece in the refrigerator has a woman's name on it.

--Anonymous
replies 349Dec 20, 2006 8:32 AM +00:00

Well I guess we know the size of R345's ass.

Stop typing for a sec and brush the crumbs off your tits darling.

--Anonymous
replies 350Dec 20, 2006 8:35 AM +00:00

"and you should have seen the stampede just to get a plastic plate!"

LOL!

--Anonymous
replies 351Dec 20, 2006 8:37 AM +00:00

It's the absolute undignified and uncalled for gluttony that we are condemning, r345. Wake the hell up!

It's one thing to take something home because it might go to waste (at the end of the day when everyone has had a chance to eat - like at 6pm). It's another matter entirely to stampede to food and start making "take home" portions before others have had a chance to even try anything.

If it's after 5:30pm and there is leftover food, I don't care if someone takes it home. I'd rather someone take it home than it go to waste.

But people who load up plates of food to take home BEFORE everyone has had an opportunity to eat are just pigs. Period.

--Anonymous
replies 352Dec 20, 2006 8:40 AM +00:00

R345? That holiday sweater makes you look fat.

Well, fatter.

--Anonymous
replies 353Dec 20, 2006 8:42 AM +00:00

I actually contributed to this phenomenon unknowingly. I am new in the office, management, and wanted to contribute. There was a pot luck plan going on and I volunteered a rather complex dish. I showed up on the appointed day to learn that I was the only one to bring something because some kind of cat fight had broken out about who was and was not asked to participate. I won't go into the details, because it is very petty.

No big deal for me except for the cash because I simply fixed double portions for something I had prepared for a party the day before. So I put it in the communal break room.

At first it was great because everybody kept telling me about how great it was. Alas, it devolved into yet another office saga because some people didn't find out until after lunch and it was all gone by then. You can fill in the blanks...

I am so glad that I have an office.

--Anonymous
replies 354Dec 20, 2006 8:49 AM +00:00

People truly do look at you funny if you don't line up for the goodies. Some time ago I told them I'm diabetic. Not they look at me with sorrow and pity as they line up for the impromptu feed. At least they leave me in peace as I sip my tea.

I don't suppose anyone else has been looked upon with suspicion for not lining up at the trough?

--Anonymous
replies 355Dec 20, 2006 9:01 AM +00:00

OMG. our Director has just unveiled a HONEY BAKED HAM!!! These people are literally going insane, quaking with carniverous lust!!!

--Its happening as I TYPE....
replies 356Dec 20, 2006 9:10 AM +00:00

Hide under your desk, r357! Or you will get trampled!

--Anonymous
replies 357Dec 20, 2006 9:14 AM +00:00

R356 some of them get very offended if you don't partake in the trough w/ them. Particulalry if you have a taut lean body such as mine.

They think you're judging them.

--Anonymous
replies 358Dec 20, 2006 9:14 AM +00:00

"I won't go into the details, because it is very petty."

R355, you're new here, aren't you? Otherwise you'd know this place LIVES for petty. Start blabbing.

--Anonymous
replies 359Dec 20, 2006 9:22 AM +00:00

This thread is too funnt. Sadly, our "potlucks" are fairly sedate affairs, but the real drama occurs when a vendor brings in a holiday Gift Basket. The melee that ensues when these gals tear into it, jockying to get that free mouse pad or stress ball ins truly a sight to behold.

--
replies 360Dec 20, 2006 9:28 AM +00:00

oops...meant to type "funny"...oh god, my spelling is atrocious.

--r361
replies 361Dec 20, 2006 9:31 AM +00:00

For me the funniest/worst thing about this are the people who keep some empty tupperware in their desk year round, JUST IN CASE some food might meander its way into the kitchen.

--Anonymous
replies 362Dec 20, 2006 9:31 AM +00:00

r 363 Yes Yes My coworkers used to have tinfoil, tupperware, and plastic wrap in their drawers. When the food would come they would eye each other and little whisper groups would slowly gather. They were laying out their strategies so that they could outfox those who would lay claim to certain things. The air shimmered with plots and stratagems. It would make me so nervous I would usually find a way to get out of the office.

The good old days. I am so glad I am retired.

--Anonymous
replies 363Dec 20, 2006 9:47 AM +00:00

"Yes My coworkers used to have tinfoil, tupperware, and plastic wrap in their drawers"

Damn, where do you people work, telemarketing?

--Anonymous
replies 364Dec 20, 2006 9:55 AM +00:00

This happens all over, r365. Any office or cube farm is a hive of starving heifertitis and their male counterparts.

--Anonymous
replies 365Dec 20, 2006 10:32 AM +00:00

A New Low.

In R343 I told you about the meat trays all delivered en mass today because of the blizzard which is about to hit.

Well, with the 4 today this makes 6 maybe 7 meat and cheese trays (I suspect all from the same place-- Wal-Mart?) in the last week, and while the women are busy killing time until they can leave early ("get ahead of this weather!"), they are discussing how someone needs to contact these suppliers and tell them that they should really not all bring the same thing.

So far the suggestions are the big tin cans of popcorn ( in butter, cheese and carmel), and pizza-- the pizza idea was hailed as a stroke of genius by the crowd. As soon as I hit "submit I plan to go refill my coffe and casually suggest that a giant cookie or two would be a nice change just to watch their eyes glaze.

--Anonymous
replies 366Dec 20, 2006 11:04 AM +00:00

R367. I love you!!

Can you imagine the hubris it takes to "suggest" gift changes?

These fucking cows.

--Anonymous
replies 367Dec 20, 2006 11:24 AM +00:00

"sow warfare" LOL!!

--Anonymous
replies 368Dec 20, 2006 12:02 PM +00:00

Oh dear God, we just had our office party yesterday and the place still reeks of heated -up tamales and re-heated bean dip. It's like an e-coli farm in here. I usually try to clean up a little, but these pigs just keep dirtying the place up for "seconds" and "An extra plate for Beth in Plant Ops". I feel so bad for the clean-up crew when they see this place after hours; they must think we are a bunch of hogs.

--Anonymous
replies 369Dec 20, 2006 12:07 PM +00:00

There must be something wrong in my office. We set out the vendor baskets and people respectfully nibble a little here and there. No sows. No mad rush.

--Anonymous
replies 370Dec 20, 2006 12:14 PM +00:00

R357...please run for your life! Last year my supervisor unveiled a Honey Baked Ham and within seconds it turned into stampede of horrific proportions!

--Anonymous
replies 371Dec 20, 2006 1:11 PM +00:00

I'm a bit disheartened at the misinterpretations labeling this thread "misogynistic". I feel the reason that this thread isn't even lengthier is that it rings such a resonance of truth with the majority of readers.

--Anonymous
replies 372Dec 20, 2006 1:33 PM +00:00

Bump---hilarious thread..

--Anonymous
replies 373Dec 20, 2006 1:51 PM +00:00

"the pizza idea was hailed as a stroke of genius by the crowd." I love you queens.

--Anonymous
replies 374Dec 20, 2006 2:37 PM +00:00

I found a half eaten Christmas tree cookie on the floor and a uncovered picked over fruit cake on a desk in our office this morning. It looks like a fucking war zone in here.

--Anonymous
replies 375Dec 21, 2006 2:28 AM +00:00

"Never mind that they have no interaction with any of the vendors in anyway and are in no position to discuss any type of business. But they sure can shove cream cheese into their fat pie holes!" Too too true.

--Anonymous
replies 376Dec 21, 2006 2:33 AM +00:00

Don't you have a cleaning crew, r376? Just why sort of sty are you living in? (Pun intended)

--Anonymous
replies 377Dec 21, 2006 2:39 AM +00:00

That's the point of my post R378. The cleaning crew comes in at 7-ish this is after the crew came in.

--Anonymous
replies 378Dec 21, 2006 2:41 AM +00:00

I tell you the truth....i was flying back from a conference in Dallas, sitting in the airport at SIX AM. The humans were drinking orange juice or coffee while waiting for their flights out.

This family of wildebeest, mother beest, daddy beest and baby boi beest, were snorty down HOAGIES, mayonaise drippin off the sides, stuffed in ham hangin, ONION slivers dangled.....six am in the morning. All three if weighed in would tip the titanic.

Where tha fuck did they buy this shit? NOTHING was open except magazine shops and coffee places. These runting pigs packed their own troff.

God, i literally could smell their farts.

--Anonymous
replies 379Dec 21, 2006 2:49 AM +00:00

The people who have directors who bring honey-baked hams should at least be struck by their generosity. The place I work is quite different. The senior partners may throw an open bag of taco chips or a bag of Oreo cookies on the table for a holiday celebration. The hams, turkeys, etc. are supplied by the people who don't even make one twentieth what the upper level executives make.

I'm always amazed how people who make seven and even eight figures a year can be so cheap!

--Anonymous
replies 380Dec 21, 2006 2:50 AM +00:00

Oh, Lord, r376/379! What a fucking STY! Who gets in at that hour to start eating cookies?

The thought is just vile!

r381 - the cheapness of over paid execs is worth another thread entirely. Maybe you should start one. "Cheap ass execs" or something. I'm sure you'd get plenty of responses!

--Anonymous
replies 381Dec 21, 2006 3:42 AM +00:00

Well, some will be happy to know that the Honey Baked Ham was greatly appreciated by the ladies who kept going back for seconds and thirds. I declined because there was literally a stampede just to get a slice, or in some women's cases, huge thirds of the ham. My god, there was a freshly cleaned BONE after they stripped it of all possible fat.

--r357
replies 382Dec 21, 2006 6:00 AM +00:00

... --- ...

5 platters of nachos were just delivered to our division.

Help!!!!!

--Anonymous
replies 383Dec 21, 2006 7:31 AM +00:00

My favorite is when theytip to suggest that they are "ladies".

Very gingerly picking off off a pile of food.

Kills me very time.

--Anonymous
replies 384Dec 21, 2006 9:02 AM +00:00

R385 nothing amuses me more then when they have what is pratically the size of an animal carcass in front of them and they are very daintily picking at it.

I alway want to tap 'em on the shoulders and say "Girls, you didn't get asses the size of Montana eating portions THAT size, so let's cut the crap!!".

--Anonymous
replies 385Dec 22, 2006 5:52 AM +00:00

And then there's the two sentences that make me cringe every time I hear them: "I'm so full! That dessert was so RICH!" Please, girls, as if you don't sit at home on the sofa stuffing rich desserts down your throats all the time as you watch "Gray's Anatomy" and "Desperate Housecows."

--Anonymous
replies 386Dec 22, 2006 7:03 AM +00:00

Well, we're winding it down for Christmas here today. All that's left in the kitchen are a few pieces of sliced ham that have taken on a very unusual silverly- metallic sheen when viewed under the flourescents, and a half box of Wheat Triskets that apparently didn't make the cut.

I am hoping someone takes the ham just so I can see what the effects might be, but the office is a ghost town today with all of them out doing last minute shopping and getting the foods for the Christmas feasts.

However next week it will start again when they bring in the leftover treats from home ("it's called 'better than sex!' I'll give you the recipe"), so this is really just the eye of the hurricane.

--r343/367
replies 387Dec 22, 2006 7:33 AM +00:00

My favorite is.. "I'm being so naughty having another piece!!"

--Anonymous
replies 388Dec 22, 2006 8:41 AM +00:00

I agree, we have not seen the last of this. SOme of the porkers here are already pestering us about what to bring for the New Year potluck!

--so over it
replies 389Dec 22, 2006 8:46 AM +00:00

At least they won't be stuffed into those Christmas sweaters and sweatshirts! This past week we have had "casual dress", and have been treated to a display of the most odious XXL sweatshirts, some printed, some hand painted, some "bedazzled", you can imagine, replete with snowmen, reindeer, etc.

January will bring the pissing and moaning about all the weight they gained and the money they spent, with bills coming in, to be followed by lame "let's join Curves" resolutions which evaporate as soon as Walgreens starts laying out the Valentine's candy!

--Anonymous
replies 390Dec 22, 2006 8:48 AM +00:00

Oh dear god, some vendor came in with three Popcorn Tins of flavored popcorn. I thought the madness was over for awhile, but evidently not. Some sow started to grab some popcorn, eat it and licked her fingers and GRABBED some MORE!!! I am truly amazed at the apalling manners sometimes.

--Anonymous
replies 391Dec 22, 2006 9:00 AM +00:00

"so this is really just the eye of the hurricane."

Too funny. I love this thread.

--Anonymous
replies 392Dec 22, 2006 9:27 AM +00:00

On the other hand my company party in NYC was amazing. THe company took over Gustavino's inder the 59th St. bridge. There must habe been around 400 people. There were so many bars (all top shelf including good champagne) you never had to wait to get a drink. There wer passed hors d'oeuvres, even lamb chops! The dinner was fantastic and there were so many desserts it was unbelievable. There were so many staff there, there was never a durty plate, etc.

Lots of fun until after dinner and lots of drinks the secretaries and "support" staff get on the dance floor screamming wooo! wooo!

That's always my exit sign...

SMOOOOOCHES

--Dame Celestia Crackhead
replies 393Dec 22, 2006 9:47 AM +00:00

>.Some sow started to grab some popcorn, eat it and licked her fingers and GRABBED some MORE!!!<<

Do they take the paper coffee filters and use them as makeshift popcorn bowls there like they do here, or are my women especially clever?

--Anonymous
replies 394Dec 22, 2006 10:45 AM +00:00

R395 you have effectively encapsulated in one sentence, the very essence of sow know how.

--Anonymous
replies 395Dec 22, 2006 11:37 AM +00:00

and I guarantee you each and every one them of are proficent at performing either "The Macarena" or "The Electric Slide".

You can doooooooooooo it. It's ELECTRIC!!!

Boogie oogie oogie!!!

--Anonymous
replies 396Dec 22, 2006 11:41 AM +00:00

This behavior is so foreign to me honestly. Every fat person I've ever known doesn't eat in front of other people at all, because they know they're going to get stares. I guess you all work with some people who aren't self aware at all.

--Anonymous
replies 397Dec 22, 2006 11:43 AM +00:00

Meanwhile, word got around that "Bessie" was jamming her spit-laden fingers into the popcorn tin so now there is a half-consumed tin of popcorn sitting on this table. I guess some people just go into a frenzy when caramel corn is presented to them.

--r392
replies 398Dec 22, 2006 11:47 AM +00:00

Sorry to say R395, but your women are neither unique nor particularly clever. Necessity is the hausfrau of invention, I suppose.

--Anonymous
replies 399Dec 22, 2006 12:04 PM +00:00

"Do they take the paper coffee filters and use them as makeshift popcorn bowls there like they do here, or are my women especially clever?"

Oh please, just tell them to stop wasting filters and tie the bag around their faces like a feedbag.

--Anonymous
replies 400Dec 22, 2006 12:09 PM +00:00

R391, thanks! Your post made me laugh out loud from its accuracy and perfect depiction!!

Abhor those 'holiday' sweatshirts and sweaters! and the rest was so accurate that I'm still smiling.

--Anonymous
replies 401Dec 22, 2006 12:11 PM +00:00

A woman in my office is wearing an actual kitty cat sweatshirt with red glittery puffy paint ribbons on the kitties. I really wish I could sneak a camera phone pic for all of you.

--Anonymous
replies 402Dec 22, 2006 12:14 PM +00:00

More laughter! Thanks, 403! This thread is cracking me up. God, wearing that to work...I wonder how her mind works...it is mysterious that someone could wear that to work, so stupid and outlandish.

Can't mess with the bat-shit crazy, obsessed cat lovers.

--Anonymous
replies 403Dec 22, 2006 12:17 PM +00:00

And here's another kitty sweater she might like:

i14.tinypic.com
--Anonymous
replies 404Dec 22, 2006 12:20 PM +00:00

That is truly lovely garment, R405. Please provide information on where I can purchase this.

--Anonymous
replies 405Dec 22, 2006 12:22 PM +00:00

Seriously, it's "Quacker Factory" available on QVC. They have it in a dog pattern too, that comes in red. Keep in mind however that there will be hundreds of enormous sows who will quack at you every time you wear it, as that is their secret signal.

--Anonymous
replies 406Dec 22, 2006 12:25 PM +00:00

The NY Times actually ran an article on the christmas sweater phenomenon. Apparently, people are now wearing them ironically.

The holiday sweater: It’s like that odd but lovable uncle you see only once a year.
www.nytimes.com
--Anonymous
replies 407Dec 22, 2006 12:31 PM +00:00

Here's the full article for those who don't want to register (but you really should, for the pictures). The Quacker Factory is actually mentioned at the end of the article.

Goes Well With Eggnog Fabrizio Costantini for The New York Times By ERIC WILSON Published: December 21, 2006

BEFORE casting aspersions on the appearance at this time of year of sweaters bearing images of Santa Claus, reindeer, elves, snowmen and other holiday cast members, one should be aware that among the people who wear them are some whose taste could be described as beyond reproach.

x93We canx92t be too hasty to judge people,x94 Joyce Caruso Corrigan, an editor at large at Marie Claire magazine, said in the euphonious sort of voice that suggests she knows of what she speaks. Mrs. Corrigan had just come from a very smart holiday party in New Fairfield, Conn., where she had spotted a strikingly attractive woman wearing a rather large red sweater with snowmen, to which she had attached an oversize Santa Claus pin.

The holiday sweater, Mrs. Corrigan said, x93is like the elephant in the middle of the room.x94 You never quite know whether it represents a genuine embrace of holiday cheerfulness or, rather, is being worn as a mischievous statement about material excess.

x93Here is a woman who has a Ph.D., she is the smartest woman in the room and happens to look like Scarlett Johansson, in a holiday sweater,x94 she said. x93I just thought she was being cheeky, but you canx92t question her style. She could kind of pull it off. Still, you donx92t see that in Manhattan.x94

Actually, that is not entirely correct.

On any December morning in the riotously decorated lobby of the Hotel Edison on West 47th Street, the groups of tourists visiting New York tend to include a fair number who blend with the crimson carpet.

Counting a man with white hair wearing Christmas suspenders over a white turtleneck, a woman in a vest with appliquxE9d trees, two with snowflake sweaters and one wearing a bright red jumper with a grid of boxes peeking open x97 an Advent calendar in intarsia x97 one could hypothesize that holiday sweaters are making a comeback.

On the other hand, they could be having a very horrible year, reduced to a repetitive punch line on x93Ugly Betty.x94 At Restoration Hardware in the Flatiron District, the holiday sweater is singled out in a window poster as a poor choice for gifting, the recommended alternative being a flashlight. And Staples, in a holiday commercial, includes a stereotypical x93sweater ladyx94 who speaks with a Wisconsin accent.

In Detroit on Friday night, a radio station was the host of a pub crawl for listeners, who were invited to turn up at various clubs wearing holiday sweaters as part of a contest to determine which was ugliest. And around the country, ugly sweater parties have become a popular phenomenon among college students who embrace their value as kitsch.

x93I did a search on MySpace and Facebook, and I saw over 200 postings around the country for the month of December for ugly sweater parties,x94 said Heather Mueller, a senior at the University of Minnesota who wrote about the parties in The Minnesota Daily this month. At one she attended in the Dinkytown neighborhood of Minneapolis, guests were asked to wear either eyesore sweaters or a turtleneck with a vintage blazer.

x93Originally, they called it a Robert Goulet party,x94 Ms. Mueller said. x93All of the guests were extremely enthusiastic. Everyone was trying to one up each other. Maybe thatx92s because they got to make fun of their friends and get drunk at the same time.x94 (The Jell-O shots were red and green, she noted.)

Yet the fate of the holiday sweater would seem to hang by a thread. At Liz Claiborne, which is attempting to renovate its frumpy image, the company deliberated this fall whether to continue such styles in its signature line.

x93We had a lively debate about whether we should continue making them or not,x94 said Pamela Thomas-Graham, a group president. x93But our ladies love them, so of course we will.x94 She pointed to a handsome compromise in boiled wool, a pale gray sweater trimmed with silver paillettes. But it didnx92t feel like Christmas.

Whether worn with sincerity, or merely without a disclaimer of intentional irony, holiday sweaters may never be able to fully escape the label of tacky, even among their own. Last Monday at the Edison, Suzanne Coale of Columbia, S.C., was wearing a Talbots cardigan with a poinsettia pattern. She explained, patiently, that such sweaters are considered quite dashing in some parts of the country.

I wear them because I like them,x94 said Ms. Coale, who prefers those she finds at regional department stores like Dillardx92s and Parisian. x93The thing I have found is that the nicer ones you can wear for several years. You get more style and a better fit, but last year when I came to New York at this time, I went to Macyx92s and was really surprised that everything was picked over. They had absolutely nothing.x94

With the exception of pet shops, Manhattan stores tend to treat the classic holiday sweater as somehow too shameful to sell. At Macyx92s, its numbers have been reduced to a handful of $46 red sweatshirts with snowmen standing around a Christmas tree.

Lord & Taylor has a single display of Marisa Christina holiday sweaters x97 at $130, among the most expensive to be found and also the most exuberant. A turquoise cardigan includes a dozen beaded snowmen on skates traversing a frozen lake dotted with pink and silver sequin trees. On the main floor of Bloomingdalex92s, a red cape on a mannequin may qualify but only because someone added a white boa to the display.

Of course, one could cast the same skeptical eye at what the tastemakers propose for holiday on the covers of fashion magazines. In the December issue of Vogue, Nicole Kidman wears a gold Versace breastplate with dangling gold paillettes, while Harperx92s Bazaar has Jennifer Lopez in a mirrored silver Versace gown. A sweater trimmed with gold ribbons would not seem amiss in such tinsel-laden highbrow fashion, which would also include the swirly red two-piece Oscar de la Renta number that so embarrassed the first lady this month when she saw it on three other women (and not in x93Dreamgirlsx94).

Meanwhile, mainstream retailers are reporting robust sales of sweaters as holiday gifts x97 not the novelty kind but ones woven with gold Lurex threads and embroidered with sequins. Nicole Fischelis, the fashion director of Macyx92s, said that there is a demand for looks that can easily translate from daytime to evening affairs.

x93Whether itx92s a pearl detail or a sequin detail or a border around the neckline, embellishment is booming,x94 she said. x93But this is subtle embellishment.x94

Among those polled at the Hotel Edison, subtlety is a question of degree. Some favored the holiday knits of Talbots, for example, because they are not as ostentatious as the popular novelty line called Quacker Factory, sold on QVC. A Quacker Factory design this season is the Glory of Jesus Tunic Sweater, for $59.50, which depicts a nativity scene with what appears to be a curiously blond Virgin Mary in a beaded pink poncho with a halo of flowers. By comparison, the skating penguins on a $118 Talbots cardigan are demurely attired, wearing only tiny red scarves.

--Anonymous
replies 408Dec 22, 2006 12:36 PM +00:00

I love that this thread has now evolved into a discourse on Christmas Sweater fashion!!

--Keep going, ladies, keep going!!!
replies 409Dec 22, 2006 12:42 PM +00:00

"Last Monday at the Edison, Suzanne Coale of Columbia, S.C., was wearing a Talbots cardigan with a poinsettia pattern. She explained, patiently, that such sweaters are considered quite dashing in some parts of the country."

Yes, dear, and people in some parts of the country like jello-mold salads and deep-fried Snickers bars, but that doesn't mean we have to, now does it? [uttered in my most patient tone of voice]

--Anonymous
replies 410Dec 22, 2006 12:47 PM +00:00

"I love that this thread has now evolved into a discourse on Christmas Sweater fashion!!"

Devolved, dear. The word is definitely devolved. It's still brilliant though.

--Anonymous
replies 411Dec 22, 2006 12:50 PM +00:00

"A Quacker Factory design this season is the Glory of Jesus Tunic Sweater, for $59.50, which depicts a nativity scene with what appears to be a curiously blond Virgin Mary in a beaded pink poncho with a halo of flowers."

I really must see this!

--Anonymous
replies 412Dec 22, 2006 12:52 PM +00:00

The office sows are surely married to the the various men I've encountered in recent weeks traveling between DC and NYC on the Delta Shuttle. Who else but the husband of a sow would think that ties featuring santas, snowmen, elves, and Christmas trees (I've seen them all) is appropriate businesswear?

--Anonymous
replies 413Dec 22, 2006 12:55 PM +00:00

Oh no they d'int.

The Glory of Jesus sweater in all its, well, glory.

Offsite Link
--Anonymous
replies 414Dec 22, 2006 12:57 PM +00:00

I was so hoping it was a joke...Merry Christmas R413.

Offsite Link
--Anonymous
replies 415Dec 22, 2006 12:58 PM +00:00

Oh I like it in the jaunty turquoise. Do you think my Jewish mother would get the joke?

--Anonymous
replies 416Dec 22, 2006 12:59 PM +00:00

Oh, and just look at what they can buy for Easter!!!

i17.tinypic.com
--Anonymous
replies 417Dec 22, 2006 1:11 PM +00:00

Of course each design MUST be imagined on a size 3X sow. It then becomes a walking billboard instead of just a sweater.

--Anonymous
replies 418Dec 22, 2006 1:13 PM +00:00
Do they take the paper coffee filters and use them as makeshift popcorn bowls there like they do here, or are my women especially clever?

They do that at my office. We have a popcorn cart in our office, it makes popcorn that tastes like movie theater popcorn. When somebody starts that thing up the smell wafts through our office. You can see the rutting sows anxiously waiting for it to stop popping, holding their bowls (or coffee filters) so they can rush up to the machine and be one of the first to get some before it runs out.

--Anonymous
replies 419Dec 22, 2006 1:33 PM +00:00

Thanks R419, I just spit Diet Pepsi out my nose because I visualized the rutting sows!

--Anonymous
replies 420Dec 22, 2006 1:36 PM +00:00

"We had a receptionist who'd say "She's on the toilet" whenever one of the prettier women was unavailable to take her calls."

Thanks 317 - My favorite post ever. My gut hurts from laughing.

--Frankie Scarlett
replies 421Dec 22, 2006 1:52 PM +00:00

Thank god the holiday is almost done. You should see everyone go looking through every box, bag or possible container that might have food in it.

A lot lays around though suprisingly. Especially the cookies and candies and high calorie stuff. Gotta love that one thing about working in entertainment in LA....there's not one obese person in my office and most of the time I'm having to swat people away from stealing baby carrots out of the bag I keep at my desk.

This week I got fixated on cucumbers with fresh key lime juice and chilis (seriously delicious) and I had to make three different trips to the store this week for cucumbers cause everyone kept "helping me" finish it.

Man, what it must be like to work in a cubicle in a red state. I cannot fathom. People here order food and leave half of it for everyone to help themselves to and it will still sit around. Damn healthy Hollywood!

--Anonymous
replies 422Dec 22, 2006 4:47 PM +00:00

"This week I got fixated on cucumbers with fresh key lime juice and chilis (seriously delicious) and I had to make three different trips to the store this week for cucumbers cause everyone kept "helping me" finish it."

Cucumbers with lime juice as catnip for the office sows??? Yep, you definitely live in La-La-Land...

--Anonymous
replies 423Dec 22, 2006 5:02 PM +00:00

You guys get such a kick out of dehumanizing others by calling them pig names.

--Anonymous
replies 424Dec 22, 2006 5:39 PM +00:00

One of my coworkers had a christmas sweater party recently, and the attendees intensely sought the tackiest examples they could find. I wish I had seen the Glory of Jesus sweater thaen...maybe next year.

Returning to food, I once worked in a law firm where a fat, male senior partner was by far the worst offender when it came to food. Every gift basket disappeared into his office never to be seen again. We had birthday parties in that office, and when my birthday rolled around the cake had that nasty, greasy-tasting frosting. Most people in the office were genuinely nice, so I didn't want to be rude, and I stuck a piece in the fridge, claiming that I wasn't hungry then but would take it home. At the end of the day, I went back to the kitchen and caught the same guy dragging his finger through the frosting on my cake slice. I had marked my name on the container clearly, so it wasn't as though he didn't know it was someone else's food, and of course he didn't know that I didn't plan to eat it myself. The worst/funniest part was that he never understood why I was appalled. Several people tried to explain why you don't stick your fingers in other peoples' food, but to this day I imagine that he still doesn't get it.

--Anonymous
replies 425Dec 22, 2006 6:18 PM +00:00

"thaen" - "then," obviously

Good lord.

--R425
replies 426Dec 22, 2006 6:27 PM +00:00

The "Quacker Factor" sweater owners quacking at each other just tears me up. I was waiting for my car to be repaired and there was a woman in her 70's there in lime green pants with matching sweater, both of them had appliques pink flamingoes and various other "tropical" items on them. Another woman complimented her on the outfit, so she shared where she bought and the fact that if you recognized someone in an outfit from the same company, they were "supposed" to say "CLICK CLACK!" loudly to each other. (Apparently it works on the same principle as Quacker Factory) Just the whole idea of people wearing these hideous sweaters yelling catchphrases at each other in recognition makes me laugh.

--Anonymous
replies 427Dec 22, 2006 7:39 PM +00:00

The sows at the trough are exactly those we must feel the most compassion for, no matter how difficult. These are people who have no aspiration in life and whose worldview is of the most circumscribed, limited nature.

--Fattie Hattie
replies 428Dec 22, 2006 8:21 PM +00:00

Rutting? I thought that I explained to you what the means months ago!

Anyway, we have broken for Christmas. And on Friday afternoon I attacked the fridges - threw out popcorn (coloured), choc biscuits, mouldy bread, whipped cream (in a beautiful pottery bowl), milk, juice, several lunches, yoghurt, etc., etc. No rutting sows in our kitchen.

--Anonymous
replies 429Dec 23, 2006 2:24 AM +00:00

This thread must never, ever die.

It's so on pointe.

--Anonymous
replies 430Dec 23, 2006 7:34 AM +00:00
You guys get such a kick out of dehumanizing others by calling them pig names.

Only the fat sow cunts, darling.

--Anonymous
replies 431Dec 23, 2006 7:41 AM +00:00

It the behavior that is being criticized more than the bodies. The obesity is just a result of a particular set of eating habits.

--Anonymous
replies 432Dec 23, 2006 3:18 PM +00:00

Fat sow cunt bump.

--Anonymous
replies 433Dec 24, 2006 7:18 PM +00:00

Let's see we have New Years to get through and then nothing but birthday parties until Valentines Day. Six weeks without an excuse to stink up the office with food. How will the ladies stand it?

--Anonymous
replies 434Dec 24, 2006 8:44 PM +00:00

I had little piggies at the trough at our family Christmas party. My nieces got in the food line first and took big plates of food, and cleared out my mom's famous meatballs before most of the adults got there. I bit my lip because I don't like to tell my brothers and sisters how to raise their kids, but I could tell even my sweet old dad was ticked about those kids taking all that food. And the frustrating part is that they didn't even eat half the stuff they took.

I hate to say it but I think some of my nieces are going to grow up to be sows at the trough.

--Bah Humbug
replies 435Dec 24, 2006 8:51 PM +00:00

Let's get this cleared up. When sows are rutting they are fucking. When they are rooting they are hunting for edible tidbits. If you are going to use mysogynistic imagery, at least get your farmyard vocabulary straight.

One of my cousins was a festive denim dress with snowman appliques on it this evening. She is a very cool woman and the outfit was actually fun and not bad. This woman raises horses, teaches handicapped children, and works like a dog. In a fight between her and 95% of the people on this board, my money would be on her.

Actually, my opinion of her is that she would be a great lesbian. She's wasted on straight men, IMO.

--Anonymous
replies 436Dec 24, 2006 8:55 PM +00:00
And the frustrating part is that they didn't even eat half the stuff they took. That was a definite nono with my mother. Take a little bit, and if you want more go back for seconds. Their behaviour is just plain rude! The selfishness is ridiculous, and so is their "parents" reluctance to correct their behaviour.
--Parents today SUCK!
replies 437Dec 24, 2006 8:57 PM +00:00

Last Christmas at my gym (a big city run recreational centre built for the Commonwealth games) they closed the entire lower track down for a Christmas craft expo and sale. As I was jogging around the upper track looking down I was in amazement as had never seen such a collection of chubby middle age women in overly decorated christmas sweaters surrounded by potpourri stuffed nicnacs.

When I was in the locker room I made a remark to another guy that it was like a convention of ugly sweaters in there. It got a huge laugh from everyone in the locker room. Those ugly sweaters provided unique moment were gay and straight men in the gym could equally relate to each other.

--Anonymous
replies 438Dec 25, 2006 6:19 AM +00:00

This thread should be made into some holiday horror movie for sure.

Those holiday sweaters with the food free for all - priceless.

--Anonymous
replies 439Dec 25, 2006 11:15 AM +00:00

Please don't let this thread die.

--Anonymous
replies 440Dec 28, 2006 2:19 AM +00:00

Well, the decorative popcorn tins are virtually empty, so the enterprising worker bees here have decided to raffle them off!! The way they are buzzing about them, you would think it's Christmas all over again.

--wish I had the day off...
replies 441Dec 28, 2006 5:52 AM +00:00

Raffling off popcorn tins ?!?!?!? Heavens.

--Anonymous
replies 442Dec 30, 2006 2:16 AM +00:00

Bring in a gingerbread house, throw it in the middle of the floor and watch the fun begin.

--Anonymous
replies 443Dec 30, 2006 4:51 PM +00:00

This little piggy went bump

--Anonymous
replies 444Jan 2, 2007 5:12 PM +00:00

Time to get out the Valentine chockies and cookies, girls!!!

--Anonymous
replies 445Jan 3, 2007 1:38 PM +00:00

Oh, Heavens, I just joined "Curves" too!! Well, Steve always did like me a little on the "plump" side.

--Connie, Head Admin. in Accounts Payable
replies 446Jan 3, 2007 1:43 PM +00:00

Jesus Christ, why do you silly bitches always fuck with fat WOMEN when the biggest, most shameless GLUTTONS in the world are all hairy-backed ballswingers?

Who always gets the biggest cut of meat at dinner?

Who always stuffs the leftover Thanksgiving pecan pie down their fat, whiskered pieholes?

Who, without an ounce of fucking pride or shame, parks their fat asses at the County Fair venues for the fried chicken, hot-dog, boiled egg, barbeque rib-eating contests?

A bunch of fat-gutted, saggy-balled, man-tittied, pencil-dicked, manginas, that's who.

Sorry, didn't mean to lose my head over this...

--Ann Boleyn, the former Mrs. Henry the VIII-th
replies 447Jan 3, 2007 3:25 PM +00:00

But Ann, honey, you know it's ok for MEN to obese, greedy and gluttonous fucks!

Geez - look at your ex for the love of Pete!

--Anonymous
replies 448Jan 3, 2007 3:35 PM +00:00

I fucking LOVE R447!

--you tell 'em, sistah!
replies 449Jan 3, 2007 8:10 PM +00:00

true r447 - the straight men in our office are the worst offenders. They usually bring nothing to the potlucks but still pile the food high on their plates. And the heifertitis are too dumb to notice that the only time the straight guys give them attention is when they want to horn in on the food.

--Anonymous
replies 450Jan 3, 2007 8:21 PM +00:00

.

--Anonymous
replies 451Jan 19, 2007 1:59 PM +00:00

LOL @ R442.

--Anonymous
replies 452Feb 14, 2007 5:47 AM +00:00

Has anyone linked to the Hoops and Yoyo animated cartoon on this very subject?

I

--Anonymous
replies 453Feb 14, 2007 5:49 AM +00:00

MMMMM, I got a whole BUNCH of KISSES today!!!

--Connie, the temp in accounting, placing Hersey's kisses all over her desk.
replies 454Feb 14, 2007 5:52 AM +00:00

I love R447!

--Anonymous
replies 455Feb 14, 2007 5:55 AM +00:00

This thread is pure gold. Some of the wittiest, yes, WITTIEST posts I have ever read.

THIS is DL.

--Anonymous
replies 456Feb 14, 2007 12:39 PM +00:00

Yesterday we had a meeting. We normally have individual cans of soda or seltzer at the conference table. Since this was an impromptu meeting and due to the snow, we just ran one of the interns out to get the beverages.

Of course the silly little twat comes back w/ BIG BOTTLES so everyone has to share. No problem.

"Kiltie" one of the heffalumps, whose only purpose at that meeting is to set up and record attendance and notate what is being discussed comes in. I came in early and I noticed her pouring herself a glass of D. Coke and walking out. I thought she was still setting up. Minutes later she comes back with an empty glass and pours another glass, (no one had yet arrived to the meeting). I just thought, a woman of her mass has to continually replenish her fluids, no problem. She walks out again and comes back w/ an empty glass. By this time people are arriving and she is pouring a THIRD glass and walking back out, by this time I'm intrigued and follow her to her stable and see her pouring her glass into a "Joe Torre plastic Big Gulp cup". I wait for her to turn around to see my expression, looking at her like she is some alien life form. She knows she has no excuse and just walks past me back into the conference room.

I had to open the meeting and was doing a quick power point presentation, only 4 people were drinking (seltzer, of course)and right while I was beginning and addressing the group, I grab the liter bottle of D. Coke and put it directly in front of battleship butt.

A few surprised expressions, but nothing mentioned, I continue w/ my presentation.

Of course Kiltie is scribbling fiercely, very focused doesn't pour herself a drop from the bottle into her glass and after the meeting as everyone is leaving, I turn to Kiltie and ask "Not thirsty anymore Kilt?"

--Anonymous
replies 457Feb 15, 2007 4:08 AM +00:00

bumpsky

--Anonymous
replies 458Feb 15, 2007 6:33 AM +00:00

Thought some of you bitches might be interested in this.

Munch with caution. You never know which colleague is watching.
www.nytimes.com
--Anonymous
replies 459Feb 18, 2007 8:49 AM +00:00

Hoops and Yoyo on "Treat Day"

"I guess you're not a woman, cause women LIVE for Treat Day..."

Offsite Link
--Anonymous
replies 460Feb 18, 2007 10:03 AM +00:00

R457, love it.

I don't care about the bitchy queens here. I love the office stories. They never get old.

--Anonymous
replies 461Feb 20, 2007 8:16 AM +00:00

Some high haired heiffer where I work will knock. you. DOWN if you're in her way on free donut and bagel day here at our office. Each floor gets a couple of big trays of donuts and bagels each Thursday. Sometimes on Fridays.

She comes prancing up, in all her top-heavy, bedazzled glory, smelling like cigarettes and Emeraude. If you're in her way getting coffee or anything for yourself, she never, not ONCE, says 'excuse me/pardon me' etc. She will PHYSICALLY nudge you out of her way. No shit.

I don't care what the woman eats, but she's so entranced by the breaded bovine delights that she'll just push you away with the mass of fatty flesh she refers to as an elbow.

--Anonymous
replies 462Feb 20, 2007 8:48 AM +00:00

This amazes me. I'm a female and while I like a donut as much as anyone, to physically *push* someone to get to them? I dunno. It just stuns me for some reason even though I know people are rude. Why don't they realize it's just food. You can always get more.

--Anonymous
replies 463Feb 20, 2007 8:59 AM +00:00

Why does this thread put me in mind of Rosie in the View's green room?

--Anonymous
replies 464Feb 20, 2007 8:59 AM +00:00

462 is she black? I bet she is. Take a cattle prod to work with you so the next time shes a shoven she'll get a jolt.

--Anonymous
replies 465Feb 20, 2007 9:12 AM +00:00

You bitches wanna see a stampede? Please, visualize my hell:

Late January, after the predictable yet futile diet craze has calmed among the heifferatti. A vendor comes by during a quiet afternoon where most are working.

Said vendor drops off a GIGANTIC sack of vending-sized packs of SnackWells Cookies, the Creme Sandwich variety.

The lookout cow, vigilantly patrolling the kitchen and/or for signs of food or gossip soon discovers the unanticipated delight and, like one of those Africanized soldier ants, sets off an invisible pheromone or high pitched signal... the stampede and feeding frenzy ensue.

Countless paper clip holders, pen cups and file folders fly from their desks from the tremors... innocent bystanders, men and women alike yet in small numbers, glue themselves to the walls in order to avoid the Pamplona-like stampede of wild bovine. The sounds of feeding flow about the office, not unlike the sounds of bones being crushed and flesh being gulped over the carcass of a dead water buffalo in the African bush.

The beasts feed for the next few hours, many of them using their feeding tactics of popping into the kitchen for a "cup of tea" etc., only to happen upon a spare pack of said treats which are quickly gobbled up...

The aftermath is a sea of little green wrappers, a shredded giant bag which once held a vendor's dream... and the heifferatti sit at their cubes with full bellies waiting for the next free snack to happen into their territory.

--Anonymous
replies 466Feb 20, 2007 9:44 AM +00:00

LOL r466!!

This thread cracks me up. I'm a temp, and I see the inside of many, many different offices. Sometimes I'll have someone run up to me "HEY a meeting just got out, there's some leftover bagels!!!" and all hell breaks loose. I usually don't even bother, it's embarrassing.

I worked in one office for a few months where it was the OPPOSITE. We had catered lunch on Monday's, and people would wait around for someone else to go first before going up there, and even then people took very, very little, lest they look like hogs. We also did cake for everyone's birthday..people would take the tiniest slivers ever, and the rest would sit untouched in the fridge.

It was like bizarro world compared to most of the crazy Pamplona type shit i've seen.

--Anonymous
replies 467Feb 20, 2007 10:06 AM +00:00

That was bitchy but funny, 466. Heifferatti! LOL!

--Anonymous
replies 468Feb 20, 2007 10:11 AM +00:00

R466 you get the gold star today for adding such a well-crafted post to this thread.

I'd toss you a pacjage of Ho-Hos, but, well, you know... it's already been devoured.

BTW - your description of the office mates made me think of that TV movie of the Stephen King novel The Langoliers... those bizarre stone looking balls with mouths that contained rotating razor teeth.

--Anonymous
replies 469Feb 20, 2007 10:13 AM +00:00

I'd bet money that if you traced the IP addresses on this thread, every post is from the same bitchy old queen that's been babbling to himself for 5 months.

--Anonymous
replies 470Feb 20, 2007 11:07 AM +00:00

"......a shredded giant bag which once held a vendor's dream."

Cant. Stop. Laughing at. R466... BWAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

--Anonymous
replies 471Feb 20, 2007 11:09 AM +00:00

W&W for R466 please!

--Anonymous
replies 472Feb 20, 2007 11:09 AM +00:00

Is there a DSM-IV diagnosis for somebody who talks to himself online?

--Anonymous
replies 473Feb 20, 2007 11:11 AM +00:00

LOL R470...

Threads like this don't get THIS popular with the postings of one person.

And why do you naturally assume it's an "old queen", as you say?

Man hate much, cunt?

--Anonymous
replies 474Feb 20, 2007 11:11 AM +00:00

"waaaa, my puss is bleeding but I'm too fat to reach down and take care of it, so I hate all queens... waaaaaa!"

--r470
replies 475Feb 20, 2007 11:12 AM +00:00

Bitch, seek professional help.

--Anonymous
replies 476Feb 20, 2007 11:14 AM +00:00

I love this thread. My office doesn't hold as much entertainment as some of the posts here. We always get left-overs from faculty meetings and lunches: cheese, crackers, cookies, fruit, bagels and muffins, etc. The item that goes the fastest is the fruit.

What amazes me is how fat people show absolutely no shame in their trough shenanigans. I would just love to see the looks on the bovine faces if one of you slender folks said, "Do you really need that doughnut?" as you walked away with your coffee...

--Anonymous
replies 477Feb 20, 2007 11:44 AM +00:00

Two weeks ago a sales rep brought these protein smoothies by for us to sample, 12 bottles to a box, four flavors. One of the senior partners (who by the way bills out at 450/hr and spends his day surfing porn and had not one but TWO virii on his computer not long ago) walks in and takes one bottle of each flavor.

--Anonymous
replies 478Feb 20, 2007 11:50 AM +00:00

Trust me, these gluttons don't even know how to behave out of their office envioronment. We had an off-site training session for a new system, and while the cube-fraus were walking down the hallway to the training room, one of them noticed the pantry room where the regular staff there had pastries and a coffeemaker. Before they went into the classroom, they detoured into the pantry toom and tried to take as many pasties as they could carry! The head admin on duty quickly shut the door and exclaimed "This room is for ths staff on THIS floor only!!" You would not believe the BITCHING and grousing these cubefraus did, and I was a little embarrased to be seen with them, but it was kind of worth it to see one alpha bitch smack them down.

--Anonymous
replies 479Feb 20, 2007 1:46 PM +00:00

466 I just laughed so hard the button on my 30-inch waist pants nearly popped. Thank you for that hilariously bitchy post!

--A fruit cup is usually my luch...save the pigging out for home
replies 480Feb 20, 2007 2:25 PM +00:00

Does anyone go to work to work anymore?

--Anonymous
replies 481Feb 20, 2007 2:42 PM +00:00

"I'd bet money that if you traced the IP addresses on this thread, every post is from the same bitchy old queen that's been babbling to himself for 5 months."

Really? Why exactly do you think that? You should at the very least explain yourself. There are thousands upon thousands of offices across this country. Why is it hard for you to imagine the scenarios? People ARE this disgusting. I didn't think it was possible until I started working in an office. The rudeness, the gluttony, etc.

--Anonymous
replies 482Feb 20, 2007 2:48 PM +00:00

You really want to torment them? Buy a 42-ounce bag of the Cadbury Mini Eggs and don't share it.

--Anonymous
replies 483Feb 20, 2007 3:52 PM +00:00

phew, this reminds me why I became self-employed.

r466 - well written.

--Anonymous
replies 484Feb 20, 2007 4:32 PM +00:00

Honestly, if I had to work as a cube drone, with some of the bitter, nasty queens that populate DL? I'd drown myself in free food, too.

Thank goodness I haven't seen the inside of a cube in 9 years. Gotta love lucrative self-employment.

--Anonymous
replies 485Feb 20, 2007 8:33 PM +00:00

I'm glad I work from home now, there were many things about the cubicle world I am glad to be free from, but people eating never really was one of them.

--Anonymous
replies 486Feb 20, 2007 8:43 PM +00:00

Love the stories. Keep em comin!

--Anonymous
replies 487Feb 20, 2007 8:44 PM +00:00

My office is so different--maybe because it's publishing and the average weight of the women employed there is probably 85 pounds. Food on the treat table causes an anti-stampede--it gets eaten, but no one ever takes a WHOLE treat, instead using a knife to cut even a chocolate in half, and then that half gets halved, etc. But as a coworker pointed it, it does all get eaten.

--Anonymous
replies 488Feb 21, 2007 4:26 AM +00:00

I once received a small box of high-end chocolate from a vendor and I mean small box, maybe a dozen pieces. Then one of the cubefraus found out about the chocolate from an assistant and came into my office and yelled at me for about 20 minutes that I HAD to share the chocolate.

I let her scream and then when she had completed her tirade, said no and told her to leave my office. To torture her I left the unopened box on my desk for a week.

--Anonymous
replies 489Feb 21, 2007 6:39 AM +00:00

R489 = Full of shit.

--Anonymous
replies 490Feb 21, 2007 6:49 AM +00:00

Wow - This thread just keeps going on...

--Anonymous
replies 491Feb 21, 2007 6:57 AM +00:00

These public food fests are to straight women what tittybars are to straight men.

--Anonymous
replies 492Feb 21, 2007 7:32 AM +00:00

LOL! "the lookout cow"

R462 I know EXACTLY what you mean. This bitch in our office will literally just walk the fuck over you or gently "nudge" you out of her path. She'll do it under the guise of coming to say "Hello", but it is always inevitably when there are treats involved and you're in her path.

She'll come over all playful and chime "What's all the commotion "?!?! The "commotion" of course is only 2 office workers quietly heating their lunch or grabbing a soda not even near the tray of cookies that someone brought in. Again surprised, heifaloopala "suddenly discovers" the cookies and says "Ohhh! Who brought this? What's this for?" I could have hugged the other girl who said "Presumably they're to eat, but I think you're already aware of that". So I am the only person standing near the tray of cookies. I'm getting a napkin for my lunch, but Little Lotta steps directly on my foot as if to kind of move me away. The minute she did that I make a BIG production out of it , grab my foot, sit down and yell "Jesus Christ, Kathy you feel that bump on the floor? Well that was my foot! Your hoove dug right into it!!"

Heifalump knows I'm being an ass, but I made sure at least 3 more people came in to see me rubbing my foot to ask what was wrong. My reply? "Apparently, it's feeding time for some of us in here! Kathy just stepped on me with her full weight!! .

and yes I said "hoove".

--Anonymous
replies 493Feb 21, 2007 11:36 AM +00:00

I'm guessing she hasn't seen her feet in years, R493. She's probably crushed small children and pets without realizing it.

--Anonymous
replies 494Feb 21, 2007 3:37 PM +00:00

R490 = bitter fat office sow who once had the same thing happen to her

--Anonymous
replies 495Feb 21, 2007 3:39 PM +00:00

r490 = 400 pound homophobic cunt

--Anonymous
replies 496Feb 21, 2007 4:05 PM +00:00
and yes I said "hoove"

That's too bad since the word is "hoof." I hope your job doesn't require much knowledge of the English language.

--Anonymous
replies 497Feb 22, 2007 12:53 PM +00:00

J'adore this thread!

--Anonymous
replies 498Feb 22, 2007 1:24 PM +00:00

500!

--Anonymous
replies 499Feb 22, 2007 1:26 PM +00:00

500!!!

--Anonymous
replies 500Feb 22, 2007 1:28 PM +00:00

We had a rather amusing SOw moment today, but not for the right reasons. Our manager brought in treats for the office, but imagine the horror on the faces of the staff when they realised it was nothing but APPles and grapes. It's fun to see the herd walk over and look at them and dismiss them because of the lack of sprinkles.

--Anonymous
replies 501Feb 22, 2007 1:33 PM +00:00

So, has this thread qualified for one of those legendary DL 'classics' yet?

If not, it should be.

--Anonymous
replies 502Feb 22, 2007 1:34 PM +00:00

This is why I hate you.

--Anonymous
replies 503Feb 22, 2007 1:35 PM +00:00

Strike a nerve or something, r503?

Next time don't step on your co-worker's foot when rolling over to the cookie platter!

--Anonymous
replies 504Feb 22, 2007 1:53 PM +00:00

Hilarious! I love that you said hoove and not hoof. It adds something I think.

--Anonymous
replies 505Feb 22, 2007 3:48 PM +00:00

This reminds me of the cart driving heifers who go insane because there are free food samples at costco!

--Anonymous
replies 506Feb 22, 2007 4:00 PM +00:00

The worst heifertiti with whom I ever worked was Kristen.

Kristen lived an hour out of the city ("it's a great place to raise kids, and Bailey just loves it"), where her abusive husband was associate pastor at their Bible-bangin' church. They would argue on the phone (decidedly un-Christian language), and twice she came in with grab marks on her wrists where they fought.

Her daily M.O. was to show up either half an hour late, or be there when the office opened, claiming she'd come in at 5 am and would be leaving by 2. (I checked her computer logs one day and found that she'd only been in half an hour early.)

Anyway, Kristen's first move of the day would be to take an apple or orange out of her purse and wander into the kitchen so she could "slice it." This always ended with her at the break room table, peeling and slicing and trying to rope one of her herd into sitting down and discussing what they'd had for dinner the previous night.

Most days she'd bring leftovers, but when she decided to "splurge" on lunch (never a restaurant and never take out, but always delivery), she would start wandering around the office at 10 am, the greasy manila folder with the take-out menus clutched in her fist.

"Do you want to order in? I was thinking of pizza or calzones. Oh, wait -- How about a sub? I could collect from everyone and leave for lunch a little bit early and go down to Subway...."

This would take up most of the morning. If she fetched the food, the "little bit early" would be around 11 am. She'd be gone for an hour ("Those lines were long!") before coming back with those clear plastic Subway bags, each stuffed with processed lunchmeat and Sun Chips for her and her cubefrauen. (Most of the women in the office were as disgusted with her as the guys were, but Kristen did have her small herd, over which she was definitely the alphafrau.)

Lunch could not be consumed until greasy receipts were produced from the bottom of the bags and change counted TO THE PENNY. Then there was the division of the Sun Chips according to each frau's personal flavor preference. Then, and only then, could straws be unwrapped and stuck in the tops of vat-sized Diet Cokes and the real business of lunch could begin: discussing what they were going to have for dinner.

I only wish I was making this up or exaggerating. And you'll notice that this doesn't even begin to touch on the ritual of the office potluck, the description of which could fill a Russian novel.

--The day that Kristen was fired was one of my happiest...
replies 507Feb 22, 2007 11:10 PM +00:00

Oh, you've just gotta give us the details about the potlucks, R507.

--Anonymous
replies 508Feb 23, 2007 1:48 AM +00:00

its funny how much we are wallowing in these displays of sheer desperation. Its good to know we aren't the only 'subculture' rife with desperation..

--Anonymous
replies 509Feb 23, 2007 2:19 AM +00:00

and cubefrauen and alphafrau - amazing!

--Anonymous
replies 510Feb 23, 2007 2:29 AM +00:00

yes please r507, we need to hear about the potlucks

--Anonymous
replies 511Feb 23, 2007 2:31 AM +00:00

Ahhh...the office potluck. Food poisoning in waiting, I say.

I'm a woman, who used to manage a large call center that, at its peak, had 60 people in it, mostly women. About 75% of the women were overweight to morbidly obese. Food was their obsession.

They used ANY excuse to have a departmental potluck. And the company as a whole encouraged these group lunches to foster teamwork, but I always HATED them for the waste of time. There would be checklists passed around for everyone to mark down what they were going to bring. Discussions ensued, sometimes for days before. I admit that the baked goods were often fabulous. One always had to excercise caution on the heated dishes, though.

One woman brought in keilbasa and saukraut in HUGE slow cooker. She had cooked it the day before, and was keeping it heated in the slow cooker. The entire office - which was HUGE by the way since there were about 150 people total on that floor - REEKED of it, and not in a good way. Still, the heifers lined up at lunch and about a third of the department got SOME of the keilbasa and saukraut.

The next day, that same one third of the department called in sick. Two were hospitalized. The cause - food poisoning of course. By keeping the keilbasa & kraut WARM in the slow cooker all those hours was a breeding ground for bacteria.

Of course, when the two who were in the hospital returned to work...the office had another potluck. For some reason, though, no one would eat anything that was made in a slow cooker...

--Anonymous
replies 512Feb 23, 2007 3:55 AM +00:00

would you call that a case of heifertitis?

--Anonymous
replies 513Feb 23, 2007 3:59 AM +00:00

The Bipolar Child

According to the DSM, manic episodes must be accompanied by at least three additional symptoms from a list including inflated self-esteem or grandiosity, decreased need for sleep, agitated fast speech (which also is a side effect of ADHD drugs), flight of ideas, distractibility, increased involvement in goal-directed activities or psychomotor agitation, and excessive involvement in pleasurable activities with a high potential for painful consequences.

The elevated mood is often described as euphoric, unusually good, cheerful or high. It is recognized as excessive by those close to the patient, but may seem infectious or simply overly friendly to casual acquaintances.

Bipolar disorder is obviously a heartbreaking mental illness. A child may be depressed for a time, then magically seem to "recover" by becoming the most optimistic, active person in the house. The euphoria may remind the parent of their child as he or she "used to be". The mania may not be identified for a few days, and then a parent is understandably reluctant to conclude the excessively positive behavior may only be a sign of a more difficult illness than the depression it seemed the child only ended a few days earlier. If the disease originally was misdiagnosed as ADHD, the manic phase in which a child may even become extremely interested in a school project, perhaps dominating classmates, may be mistaken for an end to the attention "deficit."

Offsite Link
--Anonymous
replies 514Feb 23, 2007 4:03 AM +00:00

"Of course, when the two who were in the hospital returned to work...the office had another potluck. For some reason, though, no one would eat anything that was made in a slow cooker... "

LOL!! Thank you R512!!

--Anonymous
replies 515Feb 23, 2007 12:36 PM +00:00

"Alphafrau!!" LOL!

--Anonymous
replies 516Feb 23, 2007 12:57 PM +00:00

Kristen and the potlucks (which I called "potlatches," but not to her face):

These would usually come about when Kristen and her betafraus, Kellie and Zana, would get it into their heads that there hadn't been an office "celebration" in a while. Then - shazam - it would be announced that "we're having a potluck on Friday!"

One of Kristen's betafraus would be assigned the job of going around to each desk and office, steno book and pen in hand, to hector each poor officemate as to what he or she would bring.

I always brought the same thing - a chicken salad (to Kristen, it was "fancy" because it had two kinds of grapes) - and the one Latina in the office was always expected to bring "Mexican food." That left a wide variety of delicacies for the rest of the office to execute.

Since Kristen was in charge, her loyal lieutenantfraus always brought the same things:

- iceberg lettuce and gas-ripened tomatoes in a plastic mixing bowl ("green salad"), with a plastic squeeze bottle of Wish-Bone Italian and another of ranch (Kellie)

- a cardboard circle from the bottom of a frozen pizza, covered in aluminum foil to make a "platter," and piled high with Wonder Bread and Roman Meal "finger sandwiches" (Zana)

Once the menu had been assembled and brought to Kristen for approval, she would examine it with a practiced eye for who might not be spending enough money on their contribution. Like the mother of the bride totalling up the wedding gifts and comparing it against "what we spent on THEM," she would make sure that no one was shirking their financial obligation. "I'm not making meatballs if ___ is only going to bring a vegetable tray!" was Kristen's usual complaint. Menus would be adjusted. New orders would be given.

(Kellie's inexpensive salad was exempted from the financial tally, because Kellie supplemented her meager offering with several two-liters of Diet Coke, the fluid that powered the cubefrauen the same way unleaded gas powers a flotilla of Volkswagen Vanagons.)

The most important contribution, of course, was DESSERT. All else was appetizer, a mere prelude to "something sweet." Something sweet, of course, could not be fruit or angel-food; it had to be a "sinful" dessert, something along the lines of "cappuccino brownies" or "double-double chocolate cake." (If it wasn't chocolate, it wasn't deemed worth the calories; if it did have chocolate, no calorie count was too high.) Dessert wasn't the final act of the meal. It was the whole point.

Once a suitable dessert had been procured and it was determined that everyone was spending enough money, Kristen would set the menu in stone by sending a batch email to the entire office. Or two, if she had an afterthought. Or three, if she decided that she needed a volunteer to buy paper plates or cups. (Kristen, of course, never did those things herself. Her "organizing" was her contribution.)

Then came the weeklong discussion. Long after everyone else had mentally filed away the upcoming potluck, like it was a fire drill, Kristen made it clear that it was still the center of her world: "Do you think we'll have enough food? I think we'll have enough food. Oh, what am I saying, we always have enough food. We'll probably even have enough for..."

A gleam would come into her eye. "Leftovers."

And every day, as people came into the office (they had to pass Kristen's battery cage/desk on the way in the front door), they'd get a verbal reminder:

"Don't forget! Friday is the office lunch!"

"I know..."

"Really? What are you bringing?"

"Seven-layer dip and crackers."

"You better REMEMBER!"

(hurrying away) "I will, I will..."

And it was only Wednesday. The big potluck was still two days away.

Two whole days away....

--Anonymous
replies 517Feb 23, 2007 3:53 PM +00:00

This thread is fantastic. I think that "heifertiti" may be the best coined term in DL history.

My office is the native territory for the Griping Sow. During the company's busy season, the office provides a catered lunch every day, most likely to keep lunch breaks as short as possible. Our office gluttons are constantly complaining about the food, yet it never stops them from piling it on.

"Boston Market, again?" they complain, all the while piling their plastic plates with mountains of macaroni and cheese. And yes, they do wrap the cornbread in napkins and place them in their giant totebags for safe keeping.

--Anonymous
replies 518Feb 23, 2007 6:34 PM +00:00

When one enters our lobby around lunch time, as the elevator doors open, a visitor is greeted by a polyestered bunker of balloon butts. All the moosebooties form a type of scrum, dry humping the reception desk perusing the take out menus in the weathered accordion file.

It's very ritualistic and fascinating to watch. The conversation is priceless.

Heifaloopala 1: "Priscilla, don't get fries and we'll split on the nachos."

Humapsaurus 2: "I don't understand why you can't substitute cheese for another topping and get double cheese at no extra charge. It's ridiculous"

Cowcunt: "Tell them if they don't put my mayonnaise on the SIDE, I'm sending it back this time and tell them TWO mayos on the side"

--Anonymous
replies 519Feb 24, 2007 8:36 AM +00:00

I think I love R517.

--Anonymous
replies 520Feb 24, 2007 8:41 AM +00:00

I have never laughed so hard reading R517's post (next to "the rupees to street urchins" post).

" she would examine it with a practiced eye"

--Anonymous
replies 521Feb 24, 2007 8:45 AM +00:00

At my law firm, male messengers used to be so anxious to raid left-over attorney meeting food that they would wait outside of the glass conference rooms waiting to pounce.

Quite often the meetings were not even over when they would pounce. People at the meeting were just rising and chatting....

So the law firm had to make a rule that food could not be raided in the meeting rooms...the ravenous messengers had to wait for the food to be carried down to the firm lunch room.

The biggest pouncer was a very tubby single male messenger in his 40's or 50's who once had a fake penis at work and flashed it at me. I have no idea how he kept his job. He would also dress up in costume on Halloween and go to each secretary desk for candy like all the little kids belonging to the attorneys.

--Anonymous
replies 522Feb 24, 2007 8:48 AM +00:00

I want to read the "occasions" for the potlucks!!

Son's wisdom teeth taken out?

Secretarys' Day?

New coffee maker for the office?

--Anonymous
replies 523Feb 24, 2007 8:51 AM +00:00

Nice try R522, but no cigar.

Beat it fat ass!!

--Anonymous
replies 524Feb 24, 2007 8:53 AM +00:00

The sows in our government office celebrated MLK day with a potluck. I was the only caucasian invited to participate because the herd is convinced I am "passing" ( I have a Southern accent and love soul food). When dessert rolled around, the banana pudding was delicious and I complimented the contributor. Another participant agreed with me and said 'Yeah, Kim put her foot in it". I thought they were trying to torment me for not coming out as a black woman, until I learned a week later that to "put one's foot in it" is black slang for really putting in an effort.

--Anonymous
replies 525Feb 26, 2007 3:08 PM +00:00

More please.Daddy's down in the dumps tonight.

--Anonymous
replies 526Feb 27, 2007 1:46 PM +00:00

OMG! Peered into one of the cube cows' cubes this morning when she ran to the kitchen to get something she said she'd forgotten.... and THIS is what she was having for breakfast!

Offsite Link
--Anonymous
replies 527Feb 28, 2007 6:59 AM +00:00

One of our cows came in late this morning and I was in the kitchen getting coffee. She walked in to store her daily three-pound Rubbermaid food container in the fridge. The woman is about 5'6 and I shit you not, is about 250lbs.

She announced to us in the kitchen that: "I had SO much energy this morning.. I spent three hours at tennis!!" My other coworker replied "Oh my gosh, you played tennis for THREE HOURS!?!" and the fatty said "Oh yeah and I could go another round..."

eh YEAH... If tennis is playing toss and catch with your ham and eggs. That girl couldn't run to the fridge, much less play a round of tennis..

--Tennis My Ass
replies 528Feb 28, 2007 7:07 AM +00:00

That is vile, r527. A heart attack on a platter.

That one sad tomato on that plate doesn't even BEGIN to make up for it.

--Anonymous
replies 529Feb 28, 2007 7:12 AM +00:00

The only excuse our sows need is PAYDAY. If the 1st and the 15th of the month fall on a weekday, the sows will band together in a group, rejecting their normal drive through runs at Taco Bell or McDonald's, and stampede off to what they consider a more high end trough such as Applebee's or QDoba Mexican Grill.

Periodically, however, when they feel really flush, they will make the sacred pilgrimage to Mecca: The Cheesecake Factory! The anticipation is palpable as they gather (at 10:45, of course--to "get there early and beat the crowd!")

Some two hours later ("It was so CROWDED!") they lumber in en masse, each bearing her takeout bag with the beloved logo. They plop into their desk chairs, exhausted from the return trip, yet sated, bellies distended, eyes glazed, and the lingering scent of cheesecake on their shallow respirations. The afternoon is spent in a telephonic reverie that is nearly post coital, as they compare selections, portion sizes, and the contents of their takeout bags. ("I should've gotten that shrimp!")

--Anonymous
replies 530Feb 28, 2007 7:18 AM +00:00

This is like a writing contest! It rivals "It was a dark and stormy night...!" Some of this should be published!

--Anonymous
replies 531Feb 28, 2007 7:23 AM +00:00

It's so good to know that my office is not the only place where food suddenly turns these normally clear-headed people into rampaging gluttons. Lucille, the head food frau, insists on sending out a sign up sheet for these ghastly Breakfast Burritos that she adores. When I politely decline the order sheet, she regards me with utter befuddlement and usually says "well, I need at least 10 orders to make it worth my while. Are you SURE?" I refuse to be broken down or guilt-tripped into getting something I will not eat. She then disappears for about forty-five minutes and we all know she is shopping and doing other things. But it doesnt matter, because by then, the rest of the people here are salivating for these cheese-laden, cardia-inducing treats.

--Anonymous
replies 532Feb 28, 2007 7:57 AM +00:00

".. the sacred pilgrimage to Mecca: The Cheesecake Factory! The anticipation is palpable as they gather (at 10:45, of course--to "get there early and beat the crowd!")"

Laughing so. hard. it... hurts.

--Anonymous
replies 533Feb 28, 2007 8:09 AM +00:00

The cubefraus: beloved, yet despised.

--Anonymous
replies 534Feb 28, 2007 8:23 AM +00:00

May I propose we consolidate the many names we use for the office fraus?

May I suggest a universal useage of: "Cube Cow"?

Variations might include: "CubeCows", "CubeCow" "CubeSow" (if she's particularly obnoxious and/or hated)or "SowHerd" when speaking plurally?

--Office of CubeCow Standardization
replies 535Feb 28, 2007 8:29 AM +00:00

"The only excuse our sows need is PAYDAY."

I could write VOLUMES on this subject from our office.

--Anonymous
replies 536Feb 28, 2007 2:28 PM +00:00

" a more high end trough such as Applebee's or QDoba Mexican Grill."

ROFLMAO!!

--Anonymous
replies 537Feb 28, 2007 2:30 PM +00:00

I'm probably going to hell for this and getting flamed, but we recently divided into 2 divisions for the sake of billing purposes.

Our tech is currently installing new cams for security purposes - and he LOVES this thread by the way -(I didn't want to lose internet privileges and he thinks this thread is a hoot.)

Out of boredom, I set a Snickers on the floor and tied it to a string. Well, the first cuntcow that showed up bent over to pick it up and when I gave it a tug?

WELL!, all HELL broke loose!!! HR, supervisors, the whole shebang. I tried to sidesaddle my way out of it and tell management that we were testing range of motion of the new cameras in a "light hearted fashion" but Fran (her name) was having NONE of it!!

She was pissed because we have her fat ass on film bending down to pick up a Snickers.

Before you queens start flaming. Yes! I know it was wrong and juvenile, but I asked the mail guy to just go get a candy bar. He chose the Snickers. I realize this is politically incorrect , but there you have it.

--Anonymous
replies 538Feb 28, 2007 2:45 PM +00:00

I like "cube cow" by the way.

--Anonymous
replies 539Feb 28, 2007 2:48 PM +00:00

R517, YOU MUST CONTINUE!

I want to know about the day of the potluck!

--Anonymous
replies 540Feb 28, 2007 2:58 PM +00:00

r530 your post had me laughing my ass off. You are a terrifically funny writer; could you please share some more stories of your office cows?

--Anonymous
replies 541Feb 28, 2007 3:43 PM +00:00

I was thinking of this post today as a vendor brought in bagels and coffee - I had a big cup of black coffee and a giant bagel with cream cheese and it was fantastic - and I'm 10 pounds (ok, 20) over-weight.

--Anonymous
replies 542Feb 28, 2007 3:49 PM +00:00

(smile) Thank you, R541; no one will probably believe this, but I am the OP of this thread. Since its inception I have contributed only sparingly, but I am happy to see the success of this thread. Clearly sows are a widespread phenomenon (no pun intended!)

--Anonymous
replies 543Mar 1, 2007 7:08 AM +00:00

LOL at R542.. Good for you!! Sows unite!!

--Anonymous
replies 544Mar 1, 2007 7:28 AM +00:00

Fat Tammey lumbers in this morning to announce tomorrow is "Tammey's Doughnut Day".. Yes, she LOVES making homemmade doughnuts.

Oh, we've had them before.. Thick as pillows, dark ones ("chocolate"), regular ones, sticky and gooey with Tammey's special "glaze". God love her, she really thinks they're a treat but even most of the cube cows stay away from them (except Charles. He doesn't stay away from anything edible).

I have nightmares of how those things are made, what germie bits and pieces of whatever are on her counter while she rolls out the doughnut dough. How old the oil must be in her doughnut maker... eeewwww.. And while I'm not sure, I suspect Fat Tammey has a couple of cats or other hair critters around her place.

--Anonymous
replies 545Mar 1, 2007 7:33 AM +00:00

"Out of boredom, I set a Snickers on the floor and tied it to a string. Well, the first cuntcow that showed up bent over to pick it up..."

R538 -- you're terrible, Muriel!

--Anonymous
replies 546Mar 1, 2007 10:31 AM +00:00

Gathering at 10:45 - LOL!!

--Anonymous
replies 547Mar 1, 2007 10:55 AM +00:00

Has anyone ever tried the inthinkable - turning down the dreaded potluck? Every time I do it, I get a stare from behind the steno pad like I just grew a third eye. It kills me every time. I have actually had to go the extra mile and EXPLAIN to my co workers that I'm not being a grouchy sociopath by not participating, but that I just don't feel like eating that much food in the middle of the day. Again, I get the "steno pad stare." It's enough to shake you to your bones.

--been there, suffer too.
replies 548Mar 1, 2007 10:57 AM +00:00

This is a dangerous thread to read while eating lunch. I almost choked to death!!!!

--Anonymous
replies 549Mar 1, 2007 11:15 AM +00:00

So, today the development department of my orginization threw a pizza party thanking staff who volunteered at a recent fundraising event, and the glutenous cubefraus we a-twitter.

The delivery arrived at about 11:35 and as soon as the assemblage of holsteins caught a whiff of pepperoni and baked dough in the air - the hubub began... "why won't they let us start eating RIGHT NOW ? They're just going to get cold!! Can we get some if we didn't volunteer ?? Well, there's lots to go around". The event was scheduled to begin at noon, but the poor fundraising co-ordinator was forced to begin doling out the pies 10 minutes earlier under pressure from the ravenous herd. At 11:54, I heard one, while smacking her greasy lips together, bemoan to another: "Jesus Christ, they ordered too much vegeatrian!!"

--Anonymous
replies 550Mar 2, 2007 8:43 AM +00:00

I don't partake in catered lunches because I can't stand consorting with the pigs and eating food that other people have touched and breathed on. I do get amused that they accompany their piled high buffet plates with a Diet Coke.

--Anonymous
replies 551Mar 2, 2007 9:03 AM +00:00

Why waste calories on soda when you can splurge on another piece of pizza?

--Anonymous
replies 552Mar 2, 2007 9:07 AM +00:00

r538 - post that video to youtube right this MINUTE!!!

DO IT NOW!

Juvenile, yes. But funny as fuck!

--Anonymous
replies 553Mar 2, 2007 10:54 AM +00:00

R553.

It's funny you mentioned that, my tech friend called me in the office today and as there are 6 cameras installed, as a "sympathy gift", he sent me an edited clip of her bending down to pick up the candy bar from a rear perspective (and OY! what a rear!), but the hilarious part is her immediate snarling once she saw what was up and walking around the office. She almost yanked me up by the scruff of me neck. the best part though is seeing her waddle/storm off (rear perspective again)defiantly brandishing the Snickers heading IMMEDIATELY to HR.

So me putting this on youtube is a little too dangerous right now. I got a royal ass chewing over that bit.

--Anonymous
replies 554Mar 2, 2007 12:47 PM +00:00

Oh, I bet! But still - it's priceless. And how were you supposed to know SHE would be waddling along and try to pick up the candy bar?

That is funny.

--Anonymous
replies 555Mar 2, 2007 1:25 PM +00:00

Most humans like anything that's "free". It's something to do with out hunter/gather primal background.

--Anonymous
replies 556Mar 2, 2007 1:31 PM +00:00

R538, how do you know she wasn't bending over to pick it up because it was simply something that was on the floor? Would she have bent over to pick up, for example, a stapler?

You're right, it's juvenile.

She's probably starting a thread on another message board called "assholes in the office."

--Anonymous
replies 557Mar 2, 2007 1:43 PM +00:00

R517, it's now been a week. Please, please do tell the story of how the potluck unfolded. Please?

--Anonymous
replies 558Mar 2, 2007 1:43 PM +00:00

R557?

Put the SunChips down doll.

SHE WAS RIPPING THE WRAPPER OFF even before I tugged it out of her fucking hoof. She was pissed because the bar was RIPPED out of her claw.

Go watched "Saved by an Angel" and leave us the fuck alone.

--Anonymous
replies 559Mar 2, 2007 1:46 PM +00:00

Sunchips? please, those aren't GREASY enough.

--Anonymous
replies 560Mar 2, 2007 1:49 PM +00:00

We tied fish line around the head of a nail, because we wanted the HEFT when we YANKED it.

We inserted the nail into the bar lengthwise, which was why we were so vigilant watching the bar. We wanted the weight behind the YANK!!

We didn't want to hurt anyone.

We only waited like 8.5 minutes. (We know our Cubecows).

--Anonymous
replies 561Mar 2, 2007 1:51 PM +00:00

>>>sticky and gooey with Tammey's special "glaze

>>>>I have nightmares of how those things are made, what germie bits and pieces of whatever are on her counter while she rolls out the doughnut dough. How old the oil must be in her doughnut maker... eeewwww.. And while I'm not sure, I suspect Fat Tammey has a couple of cats or other hair critters around her place.

There is probably a recipe for Tammy's glazed donuts on the "Recipe's with Cum" thread

--Anonymous
replies 562Mar 2, 2007 2:04 PM +00:00

vote 530 for w&w

--Anonymous
replies 563Mar 2, 2007 2:24 PM +00:00

Okay, I'll tell the Day of the Potluck, though I warn you. Like the Christmas season, the buildup was always better than the actual event. One ended in a frenzy of gift-ripping, the other in an Office Troughtacular.

The day of the potluck would always be the one day you could count on Kristen getting there on time, if not early. She would usually wear something "nice" (like a cowl-neck sweater with a stickpin that said 'K' stuck in the cowl) while she marshalled her field marshals (Kellie and Zana) into position like General Schwartzfrau.

The first order of business, of course: making room in the refrigerator for the bounty! Ours was one of those mid-sized fridges, somewhere between a big kitchen fridge and a dorm fridge, littered with weeks-old takeout containers, etc. Kellie usually cleaned it out, but surprisingly often it would be Kristen hunched over a giant garbage bag saying things like "This hummus expired three weeks ago!"

While one of them did this, Zana would "decorate." Zana was fond of the Dollar Store, and over the years had supplied the office with an ever-seasonal selection of those thin plastic tablecloths that were supposed to cover a picnic table and then be thrown away. Instead, they were stacked in a box in the supply room, ripped and masking-taped, one for every season. If the potluck was on Oct. 10, well, then, we'd get Spooky Halloween Tablecloth. Feb. 1? Valentine's, of course. The appropriate tablecloth would be resurrected and re-masking-taped to the long table in the break room/kitchenette. Paper cups would be produced from somewhere, and the napkins were usually scratchy folded paper towels from the bathroom.

Once the mise en place was set, the non-refrig items could be arrayed. Kellie's collection of two-liters was always there, and someone usually brought a couple of tubes of Ritz crackers, which were de-tubed into another Dollar Store cookie plate thing (which had Santa on it; we used it all year).

Meanwhile, Kristen would be arranging and rearranging the refrigerator to accommodate the various delicacies: my "fancy" chicken salad, Lupe's "Mexican food" (which was usually some of the best stuff), and Kellie's plastic mixing bowl of iceberg lettuce. Bowls are difficult to fit into a small refrigerator, and Kristen spent a good deal of time tugging, decanting, and rearranging things so they would stay cold.

"I'm putting your chicken salad in the crisper drawer 'cause there's NO ROOM!"

"...Okay."

"There's NO ROOM!"

Our boss, a pleasant, harried woman who usually had her Seders catered, would bring in whatever the fuck leftovers were in her fridge that day (usually good as well), plus the day's real prize: A Cake From a Bakery.

Yes. "The bakery cake," as it was always known, was the grail of the potluck and accorded its own special place of honor in the fridge. Darryl, the clueless, happy straight guy, usually had his wife make a pan of Duncan Hines brownies or something, which got oohs and aahs, but "the bakery cake" was the grail. Those fraus treated that pink cake box like it was a robin's-egg blue from Tiffany.

And it had to be CHOCOLATE, of course - the boss once brought in one of those carrot cakes with tiny carrots on the top in icing, and the disappointment among Kristen's army was palpable. German chocolate, chocolate ganache, black forest, it didn't matter as long as it was a chocolate "bakery cake."

Somehow in the midst of all of this, the non-frau drones would try to go about their work, but it was futile. Anyone passing by (or, God forbid, through) the kitchen area would get a jolly reprimand from Kristen:

"I SEE YOU!"

"...I'm just going to the bathroom."

"Well, stay outta that refrigerator!"

By 11:30, Kristen would be circling: "I think we should eat. What do you think? I didn't have any breakfast. Oh, heck, no one's getting any work done anyway. Let's eat!"

And then the refrigerator would be unloaded on the Fourth of July plastic tablecloth or whatever, a groaning bounty of instant and take-out food, with Kristen standing guard. As soon as there were more than three people in the kitchen would come the command:

"WELL, TAKE A PLATE!"

"Oh, no, you first..."

"No, take a plate!"

So the fraus and the normal cubedwellers would take plates and begin to fill them, as Kristen stood with hands on hips, ever ready to make suggestions:

"Don't forget Louise's shrimp salad! Get some shrimp salad!"

"I'm allergic."

"Oh, that's right. I don't know how ANYONE could not eat shrimp..."

About 2/3 of the way through, Kristen would abandon her supervisory role and dive into the line, eager to make sure that nothing ran out. Since none of the fraus were eager to be seen taking seconds (though they usually encouraged others to do so) their own plates were usually vertical messes of salad, sandwiches, savory salads, vegetables, and main dish, with a few crackers stacked on top like an unsturdy roof.

The only conversation permissible for the next half-hour would be about the food, the ingredients, the recipes, comparisons to the last time the same foods had been eaten...you get the idea. But all was prologue to The Cake From the Bakery...which I'll write about some other time if this crazy thread is still going.

--...the day that Kristen was fired was one of the happiest of my life
replies 564Mar 2, 2007 10:37 PM +00:00

"troughtacular" LOL!

--Anonymous
replies 565Mar 3, 2007 3:06 AM +00:00

"Once the mise en place was set"

R564 I LOVE you.

I can SOOOOOO see the cowl neck w/ a "K".

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

--Anonymous
replies 566Mar 3, 2007 3:10 AM +00:00

"Those fraus treated that pink cake box like it was a robin's-egg blue from Tiffany."

--Anonymous
replies 567Mar 3, 2007 3:13 AM +00:00

"It is too embarassing to be in there with those rutting pigs."

They were having sex with each other, right in the break room!! Wow! Do you have that on tape by any chance?

--Anonymous
replies 568Mar 3, 2007 3:17 AM +00:00

Umm, R568?

That's already been covered on this thread.

Off you go.

--Anonymous
replies 569Mar 3, 2007 3:38 AM +00:00

R564 - I think we work at the same place. Either that or my company hired Kristen.

Wow. Just wow.

What IS it about women and food? (And before any of you bitches start, I'm a woman and never understood it).

--Anonymous
replies 570Mar 3, 2007 5:34 AM +00:00

Sow Cunt Bump

--Anonymous
replies 571Mar 18, 2007 8:35 AM +00:00

Yesterday, between 12:27 and 12:51 pm, I received three all-staff emails that there were cream puffs in the building (ostensibly to celebrate a coworker's last day). The final message stated that a few picked-over extras were available for the taking in the kitchen "if [I] missed out ;-)." All three messages were rendered in capital letters, suggesting an urgency of "the building is on fire" severity. Ew.

--Anonymous
replies 572Mar 28, 2007 4:01 PM +00:00

I brought in a 48 oz. bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs and left it out for the sows. They were fighting over it in 10 seconds. Every one of them wanted to wear it as a feedbag.

--Anonymous
replies 573Mar 28, 2007 4:08 PM +00:00

.+

--Anonymous
replies 574Mar 28, 2007 6:08 PM +00:00

LOL @ R571!!

--Anonymous
replies 575Apr 21, 2007 2:49 AM +00:00

OMG! This is still active?

--The OMG Troll, wincing for the African Baby Thread
replies 576Apr 21, 2007 3:51 AM +00:00

I wanna hear about the desserts at the potluck!

--Poster who contributed "heifertiti"
replies 577Apr 21, 2007 6:42 AM +00:00

This thread must not die.

--Anonymous
replies 578Apr 21, 2007 9:53 AM +00:00

bump for more filthy, stinking, oinking sows.

--Anonymous
replies 579Apr 24, 2007 9:35 AM +00:00

Lately, one co-worker who is on the LARGE side, has been volunteering herself every morning to get "these tasty breakfast burritos" so, instead of working her queues, she stumbles about from cubicle to cubicle badgering people to order one. When I politely declined, she became all huffy and said "well, we need ten orders to get a discount!!!"

--Anonymous
replies 580Apr 24, 2007 9:54 AM +00:00

The heifers in my office are still fuming because the Girl Scouts didn't set up a card table at the grocery store up the street to sell off the "extra" boxes of Girl Scout cookies. If I hear one of them snort, "...but they did it LAST YEAR!" ONE MORE TIME...!

--Anonymous
replies 581Apr 24, 2007 10:03 AM +00:00

Could I PLEASE post a pic of one of our fraus' cubes?!?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?????

--Anonymous
replies 582Apr 24, 2007 10:03 AM +00:00

Do it r582.

--Anonymous
replies 583Apr 24, 2007 10:07 AM +00:00

It's on, people. I just got the e-mail from the office "party coordinator" that we are being actively encouraged to celebrate Cinco de Mayo next week, and that we are not excluded from brining in NON-Mexican food, so I am sure a wide array of treats will be awaiting for the cubefraus to indulge in, since, you know, it's such an important HOLIDAY for potlucks.

--I'm kinda scared...
replies 584Apr 25, 2007 6:25 AM +00:00

Woooooo! Little fried triangles of death!

I can't wait!

--Rotund Susan
replies 585Apr 25, 2007 6:32 AM +00:00

I know how they feel, r581. Last year you couldn't get within 100 feet of a grocery store without being approached by two or three aggressive salestykes waving all my favorite types of cookie. This year it's like they were all earning their anti-obesity badges.

--Anonymous
replies 586Apr 25, 2007 6:38 AM +00:00

Where I work, some of us are in the middle of a two-day HR seminar where they serve lunch. We have a lunch break from noon to 1 where sandwiches are served. Ten minutes after we break for lunch, one of my female co-workers starts running around saying, "There are sandwiches in the conference room!" even though it's obvious that there's a meeting in progress. She's in a complete tizzy over the sandwiches. I finally had to tell her, "We're not done eating yet!"

--Anonymous
replies 587Apr 25, 2007 8:08 AM +00:00

how do you pronounce "trough" ... is it "truff"?

--Anonymous
replies 588Apr 25, 2007 8:46 AM +00:00

Troff.

--Anonymous
replies 589Apr 25, 2007 8:47 AM +00:00

I thought it was tr-ow rhyming with Pow! or Ow! or now?

--Anonymous
replies 590Apr 28, 2007 11:07 AM +00:00

To be consistent with the Germinglish used here it should be "cubesau" (as in cubefrau.)

--Anonymous
replies 591Apr 28, 2007 11:11 AM +00:00

I've always pronounced it as "troth" (rhymes with "broth") but I'm from New England and we have an odd way of speaking.

--Anonymous
replies 592Apr 28, 2007 11:26 AM +00:00

In my experience, the cubequeens never bring in food but are ALWAYS there to get their fill when one of the fraus bring in food.

--Observant queen in the corner office
replies 593Apr 28, 2007 11:31 AM +00:00

Does cubefrau rhyme with boob-now?

Heiferitis is heffa-tee-tees, right?

Sow -- does that rhyme with frau?

--Anonymous
replies 594Apr 28, 2007 11:44 AM +00:00

Frau and sau rhyme with sow, plough and chow.

In "Speak Low" (source for the fabulous upcoming "Lovemusik"!) it's mentioned that Kurt Weill and Paul Dessau kidded around about "Dessau" (Weill's home town) meaning sow.

--Anonymous
replies 595Apr 28, 2007 11:49 AM +00:00

I'm still loving the term 'the eager moose'

--Anonymous
replies 596Apr 28, 2007 12:01 PM +00:00

At the firm I worked at up to last week, one of the partners asked me to design the kitchen renovation in the large employee lunch room. The firm has about 50 now and can max out at 80.

I told him I wanted to put in two SubZeros. He freaked. "What? How much food could people actually need?" I explained to him that one would not cut it, and I actually wanted to put two restaurant grade refrigerators to be sure, and they looked great with the stainless steel cabinets but was shot down. Two months later, what a mess. The refrigerator is packed to the seams, and food stealing and food mashing is rampant. Plus there are the ones who must bring in two six packs of diet soda to get them through what I think is a few days, as there is always at least 4 six packs in there at all times.

The one partner who questioned my motives was in there watching a crowd at lunch root around in the one fridge, and then looked at me with this WTF look, and I just said "don't even THINK of going there!"

Now we have clients over and have no place to put trays of sandwiches, and thank God for the office locusts that get to it fast, because we have no freaking room in the one refrigerator, so in my case I tell the receptionist to announce food left after the clients leave so it does not go bad as we have no room.

--Anonymous
replies 597Apr 28, 2007 12:23 PM +00:00
Yesterday, between 12:27 and 12:51 pm, I received three all-staff emails that there were cream puffs in the building (ostensibly to celebrate a coworker's last day). The final message stated that a few picked-over extras were available for the taking in the kitchen "if [I] missed out ;-)." All three messages were rendered in capital letters, suggesting an urgency of "the building is on fire" severity. Ew.

I work in this same type of office. Nothing starts a stampede like the leftovers from a management meeting. The cubepigs waddling over to inhale any tired left overs all the while saying "I really shouldn't eat this as it will ruin my diet..." God they make me sick.

--Anonymous
replies 598Apr 28, 2007 1:54 PM +00:00

Where the hell do you people work? I work for a company of 10,000 people and none of this shit ever happens.

--Anonymous
replies 599Apr 28, 2007 1:57 PM +00:00

i've worked in dot com and software for the past 10+ years and have sadly not experienced any of this scariness.

but i love this thread.

please keep posting, everyone!

--silicon alley cow
replies 600Apr 28, 2007 2:08 PM +00:00
office locusts

LOL!

--Anonymous
replies 601Apr 28, 2007 2:25 PM +00:00

This thread can't possibly be dead yet? Surely the upcoming holiday weekend will bring more?

--Anonymous
replies 602May 23, 2007 11:27 PM +00:00

Well, ineveitably, the head office cheerleader has decided to put on a "last minute" Memorial Day Potluck since, in her terms, nobody else was doing it. It may not be a success, though, since the place will practically be a ghostown on friday anyway. But that works out well for the other women, because there will be so much food to go for thirds or fourths.

--sigh...I'm bringing paper plates...
replies 603May 24, 2007 8:08 AM +00:00

Madre de Dios, you cunts spend a lot of time dreaming up ways to do nothing at all while at work. Aren't you even a little afraid of losing your shitty temp-to-perm jobs? Just a little?

--Anonymous
replies 604May 24, 2007 8:35 AM +00:00

R604, would you please attempt to match the sobriety and decorum to be found elsewhere on this thread and in the DL generally. We don't cotton to such nastiness here, at least when it is focused on us.

--Anonymous
replies 605May 24, 2007 9:10 AM +00:00
R604, would you please attempt to match the sobriety and decorum to be found elsewhere on this thread and in the DL generally. We don't cotton to such nastiness here, at least when it is focused on us.

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

No, really, stop it, you're...

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

--Anonymous
replies 606May 24, 2007 9:43 AM +00:00
This thread can't possibly be dead yet? Surely the upcoming holiday weekend will bring more?

There will be three things left standing after the upcoming nuclear holocaust: cockroaches, Cher, and the Cubefrau Troll.

--Well I shouldn't but I'll just have one more...
replies 607May 24, 2007 9:53 AM +00:00

You queens will never quite realize just how much joy and laughter that this thread has spread.

--Anonymous
replies 608Jun 9, 2007 2:48 AM +00:00

I'm with $608; I have been laughing my ASS off through all of this thread! Please don't let it die!

--Not a cubefrau, but love 'em!
replies 609Jun 26, 2007 6:03 PM +00:00

AT my sister's workplace in Texas they shut down the free food in the cafeteria.

People were bringing their coolers and stocking up before going home.

--Anonymous
replies 610Jun 26, 2007 6:07 PM +00:00

Well, what do you know. Here's this tread again, on page one, beckoning to me to come and laugh again.

--Anonymous
replies 611Jun 26, 2007 6:12 PM +00:00

WTF, r610? What the hell place gives away free food?

Damn!

I'd like to see some of the heifers that grazed there!

--Anonymous
replies 612Jun 27, 2007 2:28 AM +00:00

There's a cowcunt in our office, who suffers from extreme bowel syndrome and thusly extreme flatulence and every time she let's one loose, she giggles "Oopsy doodles!!!"

--Anonymous
replies 613Jun 27, 2007 1:01 PM +00:00

The flyers have already gone up in our office for the "3rd of July Potluck!" The heifers are debating making a flag cake using real strawberries and blueberries versus using Pillsbury "FunFetti" icing and sprinkles.

The flyer actually states: "It will be a FIRECRACKER of a day! Let's start early!"

--shuddering with dread
replies 614Jun 27, 2007 1:09 PM +00:00

Hey, R613 - is she irritable?

--Anonymous
replies 615Jun 27, 2007 1:14 PM +00:00

I say "Meh" to this entire thread.

--Turkey Meatballs OP
replies 616Jun 27, 2007 1:14 PM +00:00

Oh, I think you know which side that debate is going to come out on r614.

I mean, let me guess, fresh fruit or sugary icing? Hmmm....

--Anonymous
replies 617Jun 27, 2007 1:15 PM +00:00

Don't throw in the towel r616.

--Anonymous
replies 618Jun 27, 2007 1:18 PM +00:00

It's not even the 4th of July yet, but rest assured our resident Cubefrau Coordinator has been sending out multiple emails concerning the "Independence Day" celebration we are supposed to get ready for. Instead of the reports she is supposed to be preparing, she has everyone scrambling to bring in food that has the colors of the flag!

--spare me, please...
replies 619Jun 27, 2007 1:19 PM +00:00

I want my damn frosting back...dad's going to kill me!

--Anonymous
replies 620Jun 27, 2007 1:19 PM +00:00

Like an old lover, you've come back! I love you, SATT thread!

--Anonymous
replies 621Jun 27, 2007 1:42 PM +00:00

Blueberries, strawberries and Cool Whip are MY moment. Don't take that away from me.

--Creative Frau
replies 622Jun 27, 2007 1:46 PM +00:00

Please r618. This thread is the "Crash" to my "Brokeback Mountian".

--Turkey Meatballs OP, sipping a martini
replies 623Jun 27, 2007 2:20 PM +00:00

M kay!

--Anonymous
replies 624Jun 27, 2007 2:53 PM +00:00

Okay here's my favorite cubefrau moment. I am a manager and at least once a damn week these frau's call to me as I am leaving for the day "make sure you bring us donuts tomorrow".

I pretend like I don't hear them.

What's even worse, if I do actually bring them, I have to bring two dozen. I have a staff of 10, and there are NEVER leftovers by 10am.

--Anonymous
replies 625Jun 27, 2007 2:59 PM +00:00

Just to fuck with my frau, Friday I got an assortment of pastries from Bouley Bakery and since Fridays are fairly slow and casual. I just went around and passed the pastries out desk to desk. Acting as if I forgot the fattest frau working there, I brought the box back in to my office.

5 minutes later. You guessed it! Fat Frieda is tippy tapping on my door cooing "Hey! Did you forget somebody?!?!" I was on the phone (making dinner reservations, but she didn't know that)so just to torture her; I said; "Frieda, give me ONE second this is an important call and could you close the door please?"

The bitch actually stood vigil by my closed door WAITING for her pastry. She finally gave up, but it was interesting to see how fixated she was on stuffing her maw. I would have been too embarassed to STAND by a door waiting for freebies?

--Anonymous
replies 626Jul 1, 2007 4:01 AM +00:00

More! More!

--Anonymous
replies 627Jul 1, 2007 11:43 AM +00:00

I love this thread cuz I work at place devoid of cubefraus. (its all computer geeks sans support staff). o how i wish we had some CFs for entertainment.

I wonder if the CFs of America are planning many 4th of July extravvaganzas?

--Do tell.
replies 628Jul 1, 2007 11:51 AM +00:00

We used to provide free sodas to the staff until I caught one of the cubefraulein taking several six packs home with her one day.

The other employees bitched when I put in a soda machine, but I told them to blame her (I fired her).

--PS: I sold the sodas in the machine at cost, so shut up
replies 629Jul 1, 2007 12:33 PM +00:00

LOL! Thanks 626!

--Anonymous
replies 630Jul 2, 2007 3:50 AM +00:00

LOL! Thanks 626!

--Anonymous
replies 631Jul 2, 2007 3:50 AM +00:00

Cubefrau fart bump

--more stories, please
replies 632Jul 2, 2007 1:46 PM +00:00

sow cow ifrau gunt bump.

--Anonymous
replies 633Jul 2, 2007 3:36 PM +00:00

what of the skiny cube-harpie? those skinny (though this has a range) women who have laser sights set on the goods but become total carb-nazis around the food, revealing their true inner-sow. Yes. What of *them*.

--Anonymous
replies 634Jul 2, 2007 3:38 PM +00:00

R626, are you consciously aware of all the great alliteration in your post? "fuck", "fattest", "frau", "Friday" - love it!

--Anonymous
replies 635Jul 2, 2007 4:29 PM +00:00

look, girls, a scrapbooking thread!

Offsite Link
--Anonymous
replies 636Jul 3, 2007 8:21 AM +00:00

Today is food/order out day. I'll receive a half-dozen emails before 9AM, demanding to know where I want to order from. Ick.

--Anonymous
replies 637Jul 13, 2007 2:38 AM +00:00

LOL @ R636

--Anonymous
replies 638Jul 15, 2007 8:35 AM +00:00

This thread is pure gold.

--Anonymous
replies 639Jul 24, 2007 2:19 AM +00:00

I absolutely adore this thread!

--Anonymous
replies 640Jul 24, 2007 4:58 AM +00:00

bump

--Anonymous
replies 641Aug 4, 2007 1:12 AM +00:00

What do your fraus do during the summer slumps, when people are away on vacation and there are no major holidays? Do the carbs disappear? No donut sightings? Do THEY go on vacation and return with food reports? Details people. I have no cubefraus where I work.

--Anonymous
replies 642Aug 4, 2007 4:21 AM +00:00

With things a bit quieter around the office these days, our frau has begun organizing a "Picnic Without Ants" pot luck lunch.

--Anonymous
replies 643Aug 4, 2007 4:46 AM +00:00

Hey, I just snapped this pic of the Cubefrau Troll relaxing at home! Someone get this man a Hostess Ding-Dong - STAT!

(Kind of NSFW)

Queer Zagreb
--Anonymous
replies 644Aug 4, 2007 5:07 AM +00:00

"sow cow ifrau gunt bump."

I'm sorry but you have to admit, this IS kind of funny.

--Anonymous
replies 645Aug 10, 2007 12:19 PM +00:00

Cubefraus The Musical

Lunchtime See the cheese on the taco And a caserole that is warming Desserts gobbled away Like the sunflower I yearn to turn my face to the trough I am waiting for the day . . .

Lunchtime Not a sound from the cubicle Has Bernice lost her memory? She is smiling alone In the lamplight The withered taco bell wrappers collect at my feet And the floorboards begin to moan

Memory All together at the buffet I can smile at the mashmellow fluff surprise I was beautiful then I remember the time I knew what happiness was Let the memory live again

Every cubicle Seems to beat a fatalistic warning Someone waddles And the jellybeans disappear And soon it will be coffeebreak

Coffeebreak I must wait for the donuts I must think of a new topping And I musn't give in When the treat time comes Tonight will be a memory too And a new snack will begin

Warmed up leftovers in the microwave The stale cold smell of the office fridge The tupperware empties, another potluck is over Another waist is expanding

Feed me It's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory Of my days at the trough If you feed me You'll understand what happiness is

Look A new sign up sheet has begun

--Anonymous
replies 646Aug 12, 2007 8:23 AM +00:00

Moo!

--Anonymous
replies 647Aug 26, 2007 6:26 AM +00:00

HELP!

I think I just inadvertently clued someone in on his surprise 40th birthday party because I hurriedly (mis)read the invitation. The fraus are going to crucify me on Tuesday! What should I do? I need advice, please... seriously.

--Anonymous
replies 648Aug 31, 2007 2:08 PM +00:00

Yesterday one of my fraus brought in a cake she'd made from a recipe in a mystery novel. It was baked in a bundt pan and the ingredients included yellow cake mix, orange juice, a package of orange Jell-O, and miniature chocolate chips. It was pretty good.

--Anonymous
replies 649Sep 6, 2007 6:08 AM +00:00

oink!

--Anonymous
replies 650Sep 22, 2007 8:33 AM +00:00

Holy crap. I am late to THIS party, how the fuck did I miss this gem?!

I would love to hear about the (chocolate) 'bakery cake' from the Kristen storyweaver...

--Anonymous
replies 651Sep 24, 2007 8:12 AM +00:00

I'm with you r651, I don't know how I missed this one, but i'm glad a buddy told me about it.

Alot of bitching about the fags with 6 packs, and the fat house fraus. My own office story starts with the old bitches, that lived thru the depression.

My company is fairly big, 1400 employees, my department has about 40. Anyway we have a potluck, usually about 5 times a year. Always Christmas, maybe a holiday, and always the Indians home opener, or the Browns season opener. Yep,Clevelander here, and sports are always a reason for a party.

Several years ago, we pitched in and got a lunch meat tray. Pretty good stuff, and there was enough to go around, even for those fatties, and more than enough for those that drink Hennessey to take home so they didn't have to cook for their kids.

Issue was, food came in at noon, and around 3:30, I started helping some of the ladies clean up. You should have seen these two old bitches freak when I went to throw away what was left over on the lunchmeat tray. They went nuts, said they were going to wrap up the tray and bring it out the next day. I'm not lying, the shit was slimy, I mean the freaking mayo had a crust on it.

Well I walked away, and never ate at pot luck again, unless it was pizza that I saw being delivered. Don't know about everyone else, but at my office, stay away from the old House Fraus! And yes they were all at least a size 22.

--Anonymous
replies 652Sep 26, 2007 3:15 PM +00:00

I don 't why, but every time I need a pick me up, clicking to...

"sow cow ifrau gunt bump"

does the trick. Does this make me a bad person?

--Anonymous
replies 653Oct 29, 2007 1:52 PM +00:00

Cute.

The shores of cancun
YouTube
--Anonymous
replies 654Oct 29, 2007 1:57 PM +00:00

sowlicious bump--can't wait for the holiday potluck stories.

--Anonymous
replies 655Oct 29, 2007 2:27 PM +00:00

Yay!

The ofice potluck stories!!

Classique!

--Anonymous
replies 656Oct 29, 2007 2:30 PM +00:00

Oh, lord, who dug up this corpse of a thread?

--Anonymous
replies 657Oct 29, 2007 2:52 PM +00:00

Zip R657, this thread is a classic.

--Anonymous
replies 658Nov 1, 2007 6:43 AM +00:00

This day after Halloween has been a GODSEND to the fraus here in the office...more sweets and cakes to chow down on, and it tatses BETTER once you know it's been marked down!

--Anonymous
replies 659Nov 1, 2007 6:52 AM +00:00

I'm sorry, Trudy--I can't join all of you at The Cheesecake Factory for lunch. I'm expecting my QUACKER FACTORY order from QVC, and I **CAN'T** wait to see my goodies! Stop at Subway on teh way back and bring me a Turkey and Bacon Footlong, OK?

--Anonymous
replies 660Nov 1, 2007 11:13 AM +00:00

This is only the beginning.

From now till Christmas there'll be countless ways for the office fraus to PIG out,All eaten with a Diet Coke of course.

--Anonymous
replies 661Nov 1, 2007 11:19 AM +00:00

How do we make sure this thread goes to the "Classics" archives?

Webmaster, are you listening??

--Anonymous
replies 662Nov 1, 2007 12:04 PM +00:00

I was once introduced to a new employee (by the woman who was showing him around the office) as: "This is Kevin, HE DOESN'T DO POTLUCKS!"

Just in case the new guy had any ideas about skipping out on his obligation.

--Kevin, Potluck Pariah
replies 663Nov 1, 2007 12:44 PM +00:00

Came into the office today. (Only time I can really get some work done).

I go to the kitchen to put my cans of seltzer in the fridge and who do I see hovering over the sink with an ice cream cake in her HAND?!?!?!

Bethany in Graphics. She didn't think anyone was coming in today and sadly there is always a dearth of plates or cutlery in our office kitchen, so what did she do?

She CLAWED off a portion of the FROZEN cake WITH HER HAND and you could see the finger trenches ON THE CAKE that she dug.

When I didn't see a knife and wondered why she was eating over the sink w/ ICE CREAM CAKE in her HAND. I immediately opened the freezer to see the clawed cake. I'm guessing she was either going to toss the whole thing out before tomorrow or play dumb.

I looked at the cake. I looked at her and said "ENJOY!" and walked out. No words were needed. She will always know the day I saw her leaning over a sink with a cake smeared face...gorging.

--Anonymous
replies 664Nov 4, 2007 4:20 AM +00:00

666

Oh Hell!

--Anonymous
replies 665Nov 4, 2007 4:24 AM +00:00

The holidays will really be bringing them out. I can't wait for more stories.

--Anonymous
replies 666Nov 4, 2007 4:26 AM +00:00

My office is having a contest to whoever gains the least weight from the weigh-in Wednesday before Thanksgiving until January 2 will win a a I-Pod.

That I-Pod is so mine.

--Downloading as I type
replies 667Nov 4, 2007 4:35 AM +00:00

That's hilarious, R664! Were her eyes shining in the light like a raccoon's?

--Anonymous
replies 668Nov 4, 2007 4:36 AM +00:00

I'm JIVE!

www.ehrensteinland.com
--Guess who?
replies 669Nov 4, 2007 4:40 AM +00:00

Recently, my employer had to enact a ban on eating at your desk due to a mouse problem.

You'd've thought we'd asked people to remove their thumbs.

30 days of whining & eating on the sly. I walked by one person's desk & you could smell the french fry grease.

"No eating, remember?" (I'm a supervisor & was forced to play food cop during this "trial".)

"You don't see any food, do you?"

"No, but the napkin covering your fries is soaked in grease. Take them to the break room."

The ban was lifted last week & the troughs were quickly refilled.

--Anonymous
replies 670Nov 4, 2007 4:51 AM +00:00

Rutting means fucking, so the heifers were fucking each other? I would watch.

--Anonymous
replies 671Nov 4, 2007 4:55 AM +00:00

gunt bump

--can't wait for off-frau stories
replies 672Nov 4, 2007 5:09 AM +00:00

"Were her eyes shining in the light like a raccoon's? "

LOL!! Almost!

You know how you always regret what you COULD'VE done?

I should've have STOOD there, w/ my hand on my hip, freezer door ajar and simply said.... "LOOK at you" and not left.

I should have just STOOD there.

--Anonymous
replies 673Nov 4, 2007 5:38 AM +00:00

Lovin' it.

--Anonymous
replies 674Nov 4, 2007 6:07 AM +00:00

I want a piece of ice cream cake!

--Anonymous
replies 675Nov 4, 2007 6:17 AM +00:00

Op, I just re read your post, and it still cracks me up.

--Anonymous
replies 676Nov 4, 2007 8:19 AM +00:00

Love the ice cream cake anecdote.

--Anonymous
replies 677Nov 5, 2007 1:28 AM +00:00

this thread is over a year old. Will it make it through the xmas period?

--Anonymous
replies 678Nov 12, 2007 12:19 PM +00:00

Bumpalooloo.

--Anonymous
replies 679Nov 12, 2007 12:35 PM +00:00

I love this thread.

--Anonymous
replies 680Nov 12, 2007 1:01 PM +00:00

Oh my God. The Shroud-of-Turin relic of frau threads. I always wondered.

--Anonymous
replies 681Nov 12, 2007 1:17 PM +00:00

Wait until Thanksgiving...this thread will come back to life in no time, especially anecdotes about the day after.

--Anonymous
replies 682Nov 12, 2007 1:22 PM +00:00

It's coming into the holiday season, and for some reason many clients of ours would send us See's Candies. Big freaking boxes of them. At times there would be six open boxes in the lunch room. One partner said that after Christmas people should take some home. Big mistake. This firm that I worked at had an office manager that was the ultimate terror cow. You know the kind. "Where the FUCK is that on the billable projects list?" That kind. Mean and big as a house, she actually dressed and had makeup reminiscent of that freak secretary on that comedy show. On her desk was a picture of a good looking guy to which I made the mistake of asking if that was her brother. "That's not my FUCKING brother, it's my BOYFRIEND!"

Anyhoo, being in this landscape architecture office over the holidays, working while everyone is off, in the lunchroom is the five or six cargo pallet box size See's Candy boxes. Every box is open and has been picked at, but there is plenty left. So it's a quiet afternoon and I am working when I hear all this candy wrapper noise in the next room.

In there in all her spandex pants glory is her. She is consolidating the candy into one or two See's boxes. Ok on the first glance but then I see she is poking each one with a fork to see which ones she will put in a box that SHE will take home. This is not some poke but a open and pry into the candy and then decide if it is worthy of her obtaining. Being the smart ass of the office, and I knowing that they would never fire me, I asked what the fuck she was doing.

"I am ORGANIZING the candy! Do you have a problem with that?"

I said "yes I do, your paw prints all over each disembowled candy so you can decide if you want it or not!"

"Well don't FUCKING eat it then!" and she lumbered out.

--Anonymous
replies 683Nov 12, 2007 2:42 PM +00:00

Is it possible that there is one straight man in Peoples' sexiest man award? This business of their dating a woman is hilarious. I mean how long can Penelope Cruz go dating all these closet cases? Does she get paid for it?

--Anonymous
replies 684Nov 27, 2007 5:59 PM +00:00

I would love to hear about the (chocolate) 'bakery cake' from the Kristen storyweaver...

Well, I'm late coming back to this particular potluck, but...

Kristen loved all the aspects of the office potlucks, but she was positively obsessed with desserts. Potlucks were only 3 or 4 times a year, but there was always a birthday at least once a month, and she was usually the one who would come around grubbing for $3 or $4 from everyone so we could get "a cake from the bakery."

If she bought it, it would be some variation on chocolate: devil's food, chocolate layer with custard, that cake with an inch of frosting and chocolate cake crumbs patted all over the outside. We would sit in the conference room at 4 pm and someone would be slicing the "bakery cake," slipping each slice onto folded paper towels from the men's room (there were NEVER paper plates) and Kristen would always, always say:

"I want a piece like that. Except not so big."

Guess who always had seconds?

Not every time...but about half the time, when there were leftovers, she would say, "I think I'll take a piece home to Bailey" (Bailey being her 7-year-old, who would call the office about 20 times a day during the summer...another story). I doubt that Bailey ever saw a single crumb - Kristen lived in a suburb about an hour away from the office and I can't imagine that slice of bakery cake, on its folded paper towel, ever made it home on the long journey.

It has nothing to do with potlucks, but all of Kristen's "bakery cake" machinations paled next to the Kabuki that occurred when the receptionist would receive a box of office supplies ("ordering from Quill"), and if the order was large enough, it would include...

...a complimentary decorative tin of miniature Mrs. Fields cookies, marked "from your friends at Quill."

On the days Quill arrived and the cookie tin was opened and left in the break room, a gavotte began that would have been the envy of a Viennese court...

--I Worked With Kristen...And Survived
replies 685Nov 27, 2007 10:27 PM +00:00

R685, the "gavotte" metaphor is inspired. Thank you!

--Anonymous
replies 686Nov 28, 2007 2:43 AM +00:00

What, no office Christmas parties to report on?

--Anonymous
replies 687Dec 18, 2007 2:57 PM +00:00

Office party today... catered... they're going to go insane.

I wish I could bring in the Heifertiti Chorus to sing for everyone.

--Anonymous
replies 688Dec 19, 2007 5:05 AM +00:00

Umm...I just missed this thread is all.

--Anonymous
replies 689Dec 29, 2007 2:19 PM +00:00

Can believe this thread is over a year old.

--Anonymous
replies 690Dec 29, 2007 2:22 PM +00:00

My office, and you are not going to believe this, but you must, got so carried away this Christmas that we had to spread our holiday potluck out over an ENTIRE WEEK.

One day was the cookie bake-off, benefitting the United Way.

Another was "Dip Day." Every version of spinach dip and artichoke spread you can imagine, not to mention cream cheese and hummus by the bucketful.

And then, of course there was the actual potluck, with the ham and turkey provided by the SVP, but we had to bring the sides. This was huge. I took squash casserole, and let me tell you there wasn't a teaspoon left by the time it was over.

Dessert day. You can imagine. That's the one where I almost had to go home and throw up.

And then, because they felt so sorry for those of us that had to work Christmas Eve, they had pizza brought in for the whole crew.

My present from my boss? A 5 lb. box of chocolates.

--Anonymous
replies 691Dec 29, 2007 2:40 PM +00:00

damn

--Anonymous
replies 692Dec 29, 2007 2:41 PM +00:00

This thread deserves to see 2008.

Have we no more tales of cubefraus and alphafraus at office holiday parties? Auld Lang Potlucks? r691, surely there are further details you could relate?

Hath not a frau potlucks?

--Anonymous
replies 693Jan 11, 2008 11:23 PM +00:00

They're all worn out from the holidays.

Give them a couple of weeks, though, and the pot lucks will be back in full swing.

The husband died of a woman who works at a place I do some consulting, and someone there tried to get a big thing going for a meal after the funeral, but the family took care of it privately, so thankfully had a the whole endeavor petered out.

And the organizer was sooooo disappointed everyone ignored her instructions and her list on who was to bring a pork roast and who was to bring a pie.

--Anonymous
replies 694Jan 11, 2008 11:39 PM +00:00

R685?

MORE ! MORE!!

--Anonymous
replies 695Feb 17, 2008 4:03 AM +00:00

The Igunt in our graphics department has a deep dark red spot on her chair and it's the talk of office!!

Is it really possible to be menstruating that heavily for it to seep through her polyester pants AND leave a stain on the chair?

It's the latest game right now to switch her chair with someone else's.

--Anonymous
replies 696Feb 18, 2008 10:08 AM +00:00

I can't believe this thread is still going on.

--Anonymous
replies 697Feb 20, 2008 2:35 PM +00:00

Where are the Clinton supporters? Why haven't they rushed to this thread to defend the working class frau? Aren't the fraus the epitome of wisdom and moral rectitude for being the only group to stick with our dear Hillary?

--Anonymous
replies 698Feb 20, 2008 2:45 PM +00:00

A few days ago, one of our cubefraus brought in bags and bags of Valentine's Day chocolate candies that she bought for 75% off at the nearby CVS pharmacy. With all of the Reeses Peanu Butter Cups and Snickers Bars flying about, you would have thought that some work could have been done!

--Anonymous
replies 699Feb 20, 2008 2:56 PM +00:00

r698=thread killing shitstain.

--Anonymous
replies 700Feb 20, 2008 3:24 PM +00:00

A guy at my work brings in a dozen donuts every day - and eats 'em all, at rigidly spaced intervals. Last summer, an intern saw the box, assumed the donuts were for everyone and took one. DonutGuy went home early that day, ostensibly because of allergies but I think he was pining for his missing 12th donut.

He's a very nice guy but his eating is pathological.

--Anonymous
replies 701Feb 20, 2008 3:28 PM +00:00

R696?

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!!

--Anonymous
replies 702Mar 2, 2008 1:32 PM +00:00

This remains one of my favorite threads EVAH!

--Anonymous
replies 703Mar 2, 2008 3:05 PM +00:00

R698, please stop dragging your political feuds into gossip threads. Thank you.

--Anonymous
replies 704Mar 2, 2008 3:29 PM +00:00

An Igunt in our office brings in well done bacon strips *rattle, rattle, rattle* OUT OF HER FUCKING PURSE!!!

and then proceeds to use individual packs of mayonnaise to delicately write early morning affirmations on each length before she stuffs it into her maw.

Shit like; "Sunny!", "New shoes!", "Yummers!" etc.

It's like a goddamn laundry list and I have become sick of having to witness it.

--Anonymous
replies 705Mar 3, 2008 4:49 PM +00:00

ooh marshmallow!

--queen carlotta
replies 706Mar 3, 2008 4:53 PM +00:00

r705, there is a special circle of hell for that. Its looks like most suburban cul-de-sacs, AND THERE IS NO BACON!

--Anonymous
replies 707Mar 3, 2008 4:58 PM +00:00

I have never asked a favor of any of you in here, but could one of you PLEASE post an cubegunt story in here before I go to bed?

Please?

I have had the day from hell today.

--Anonymous
replies 708Mar 4, 2008 4:55 PM +00:00

708, I don't know if this helps...but last week a co-worker of mine brought in an entire haggis and he ate it for lunch over the course of the week. It was a leftover defrosted haggis from Robbie Burns Day.

Nothing smells worse than microwaved haggis - imagine sweat + ass + feet + allspice.

He had the lunch room to himself all week. The Fraus and I ate at our desks. There's still a residual haggis smell this week.

--Anonymous
replies 709Mar 4, 2008 5:53 PM +00:00

Writing on BACON?!?!?

BWA HA HA HA!!

--Anonymous
replies 710Mar 6, 2008 2:38 AM +00:00

"writing on bacon"?

I've heard it all now.

--Anonymous
replies 711Mar 7, 2008 6:23 AM +00:00

Lunchity Bump

--Anonymous
replies 712Mar 7, 2008 3:20 PM +00:00

I now have an Asian frau on my team.

Hong Kong, second generation.

She has discovered American cheesecake. Cheesecake fascinates this woman. Every variation of cheesecake.

Her latest invention was a crust of crushed Oreo cookies, over which was layered a batch of Duncan Hines brownie mix, and then the cream cheese/egg/sour cream mixture. To top it off she crumbled a bag of Heath's toffee bars on top.

I do have to say, it was quite impressive.

And in this age of diversity, who am I to deny our recent immigrants the bounty of the Safeway aisle?

--Anonymous
replies 713Mar 7, 2008 3:30 PM +00:00

That's disgusting, r713.

I'm going into diabetic shock just thinking about that much sugar.

--Anonymous
replies 714Mar 7, 2008 3:33 PM +00:00

I work with a Korean guy that apparently has to have onions and garlic cooked into every single dish he eats. Of course these also all have to be microwaved and then brought back to his desk where the smell can waft over all the cubicle walls. You can only imagine his breath. I was in his cubicle the other day after he had gone and I got a look at the chair he sits in and almost threw up in my mouth. He must spill on his chair 50% of what he eats. The carpet in his cube is the same way, covered with spots. I guess I'll contact HR and see about getting him sent back on the boat he came here in.

--Disgusting
replies 715Mar 7, 2008 3:39 PM +00:00

Well now that is uncalled for, mr. 715.

I'm going to report you to Margaret Cho immediately.

She'll set you straight on drunk Koreans. They really are not as bad a lot as you seem to think.

--Anonymous
replies 716Mar 7, 2008 4:03 PM +00:00

Someone was leaving a company I do some consulting for, and I was there this week working on a project when they surprised her with a going away party.

It really wasn't much, but they served a carrot cake, a cheese cake, and a chocolate cheese cake.

I ate a small piece of carrot cake, which was pretty good, and I socialized a bit with them.

BTW, at least half of the three cakes went uneaten, as everyone kept saying, "Oh, no, I only want a tiny piece."

And at the end of the party, they were trying to get people to take some of it home. I didn't, but I thought of this thread, as the people who work there are so clearly NOT sows at the trough.

--Anonymous
replies 717Mar 7, 2008 5:27 PM +00:00

I love cak

--Anonymous
replies 718Mar 7, 2008 5:32 PM +00:00

"Lunchity bump" Heh, heh...

--Anonymous
replies 719Mar 7, 2008 8:08 PM +00:00

We had these retarded kids that used to come in as a supervised group and do office cleaning. Once someone caught one of the girls eating out of the trash in the lunchroom. She was scolded and told never to do it again. Another time the little black girl had diarrhea running down her leg and they had to whisk her out of the building. Then there was the one who would go wandering and was hoping to find someone for sex. They had to get rid of her (the stories she would tell if you'd let her talk. Then there was the guy in the mens room stall that had his little cleaning kit sitting on the floor and all you heard was weird moaning coming from inside the stall. We still talk about them and this was about 18 years ago.

--Anonymous
replies 720Mar 7, 2008 8:16 PM +00:00

That's nice R720 but what did they have for lunch?

--Anonymous
replies 721Mar 7, 2008 8:48 PM +00:00

well 721, they would pick out their tonsil stones and chew them like a cows cud.

--now give me a kiss
replies 722Mar 15, 2008 9:53 PM +00:00

bump

--Anonymous
replies 723Mar 20, 2008 7:30 PM +00:00

Why is this F and F'ed? After a year and a half, all of a sudden its bad?

--Anonymous
replies 724Mar 21, 2008 1:28 AM +00:00

Dunno, but I'm going to read all over again coz I need a laugh.

--Anonymous
replies 725Mar 21, 2008 1:50 AM +00:00

This is F&F abuse. Bullshit. This thread has been here for over a year.

--Anonymous
replies 726Mar 21, 2008 10:36 AM +00:00

This thread is a Datalounge classic. Why was it tagged F&F?

--Anonymous
replies 727Mar 21, 2008 10:42 AM +00:00

Good! The F&F tag was removed.

--Anonymous
replies 728Mar 21, 2008 1:11 PM +00:00

The removal of the F&F tag calls for some sort of celebration...

How about an Easter potluck?

--Barb in Accounts Payable
replies 729Mar 21, 2008 2:06 PM +00:00

My Asian cubefrau kept it simple for Easter this year. Each person on our aisle received a small plastic bunny filled with peanut M&M's in Easter egg colors. Which was very sweet of her. (She's second generation; I'm not sure at what point in her assimilation she began to believe in the Easter bunny.)

Of course, she also baked. A frothy cream cheese concoction layered with unrolled crescent dough. It was a death-defying act to eat it, but it was absolutely delicious.

--Anonymous
replies 730Mar 21, 2008 2:13 PM +00:00

At the firm where I used to work, we had two depositions taking place on the same day. One involved a construction defect case, meaning there are about 20 lawyers in the room all waiting their turn for a crack at the deponent. They had pizza delivered for lunch and set out in the break room so the lawyers at the depo could come in eat, and get back to work. No such luck; the army of legal secretaries had already stampeded to break room and ate the pizza. Really embarrassing for the firm.

--Anonymous
replies 731Mar 21, 2008 2:52 PM +00:00

You are in serious need of therapy, OP.

--Anonymous
replies 732Mar 21, 2008 4:49 PM +00:00

You just can't keep hogs away from the trough, can you.

--Miriam Deering
replies 733Mar 21, 2008 5:30 PM +00:00

I can SO see that happening what 731 posted.

Greedy low level gunts.

--Anonymous
replies 734Mar 22, 2008 5:17 AM +00:00

My mind reels at that "writing on bacon" post.

"new shoes" BWA - HA - HA -HA!!!

--Anonymous
replies 735Mar 22, 2008 5:22 AM +00:00

R12 = seething frau who knows when she's been pegged.

--Anonymous
replies 736Mar 22, 2008 5:27 AM +00:00

LOL at 731, that made me laugh. Fuck those fucked up lawyers! I want my pizza.

--Anonymous
replies 737Mar 22, 2008 5:31 AM +00:00

I hope those sloppy cows got greasy slices of pepperoni on their tits.

--Anonymous
replies 738Mar 22, 2008 5:34 AM +00:00

In my office there usually isn't much in the way of food, but most of the time there's an opened box of wine that people stop by on their way past the kitchenette. If someone brings in any snacks to keep at their desk for when we work long hours, they usually politely offer everyone else a bite, not just hide it away for themselves. If we have to work really late, like 11am (or the occasional all-nighter) people will bring in bear and pass around. Maybe it's more relaxed in the design oriented fields.

--Anonymous
replies 739Mar 22, 2008 6:33 AM +00:00

This thread never fails to put me in good spirits.

I love some of you queens in here.

--Anonymous
replies 740Mar 22, 2008 6:53 AM +00:00

R732 = Flames and Freaks abuser who attempted to get this thread shut down, and was bitch slapped by the webmaster.

Suck it, bitch.

--Anonymous
replies 741Mar 22, 2008 7:19 AM +00:00
If we have to work really late, like 11am (or the occasional all-nighter) people will bring in bear and pass around. Maybe it's more relaxed in the design oriented fields.

More relaxed indeed. Can I volunteer to be the passed around bear some night?

--Anonymous
replies 742Mar 22, 2008 7:22 AM +00:00

r739: [quote]Maybe it's more relaxed in the design oriented fields.

Your writing is a little TOO relaxed.

--Anonymous
replies 743Mar 22, 2008 7:28 AM +00:00

Wow, r739. I love drinking bear!

--Anonymous
replies 744Mar 22, 2008 7:29 AM +00:00

I've loved this thread since day one.

My horrid story is about...me.

One of my team members brought in a box of gorgeous German pastries that we were to take to a client meeting. She bought four extra pieces, one for each of us on the team.

I took my piece into my office - it was oh-my-God delicious, sugary, flaky and delicate. With the first bite it broke into pieces and fell out of my hands.

Fuck.

I stared at the pieces for a split second, evaluated the cleanliness of the carpet, closed my office door, got down on all fours and ate the thing right up off of the floor.

Just like a sow at the trough.

--Anonymous
replies 745Mar 22, 2008 7:30 AM +00:00

We used to order in lunch for the entire firm on the last Friday of the month. It wasn't Friday, so I don't know what these women were thinking. I think it was just a Pavlovian response - see food, grab whatever you can carry, and run back to your desk. The attorney from our firm who was in that depo was pissed. Of course, the secretaries were unrepentant.

--R731
replies 746Mar 22, 2008 7:59 AM +00:00

I never cease to laugh at this thread.

My story isn't really food related, but it does reveal another aspect of cubefrau behavior. One Saturday, I was bored, so I went into the woman's room and wrote "Kathleen's pussy's stinks". What started this to begin with , was that I was fascinated to learn that there was writing on a wall in a woman's restroom to begin with, but lo and behold when I went to scrawl my contribution, there it was... writing EVERYWHERE, mainly comments about aother girl being "a bitch".

Well, you would NOT believe how the whole thing escalated. Kathleen obviously retaliated with an even BIGGER message w/ more permanent ink and so on and so on. I was amused by the inventiveness and one up(wo)mans ship that prevailed.

I wrote my "Kathleen" gem with a regular ink pen. Kathleen resorted to using a Sharpie and whomever used a large nibbed PAINT marker!! It was hilarious witnessing these fraus go at each other and the commentary in the graffiti became even more vitriolic. It would make a stevedore blush.

This whole affair ended w/ Kathleen and one other frau getting into a hair pulling catfight in the women's restroom and the whole "graffiti in restrooms" "issue" resulting in a office memo.

They've since painted the stalls again and I'm so tempted to write "Kathleen's pussy DOESN'T stink", but refrain because I honestly fear someone would get seriously hurt.

Aren't fraus hilarious? These are GROWN women!!

--Good times.
replies 747Mar 22, 2008 8:26 AM +00:00

Kathleen's pussy not "pussy's"

--Anonymous
replies 748Mar 22, 2008 8:27 AM +00:00

R747, so how long did you work at FOX?

--Anonymous
replies 749Mar 22, 2008 8:39 AM +00:00

"These are GROWN women!!"

Well, not everybody can be as mature as you are, r747.

--Anonymous
replies 750Mar 22, 2008 8:40 AM +00:00

I wish R747 would write that about me. I'd take a photo, call my lawyer, and sue my employer for hostile environment.

--Anonymous
replies 751Mar 22, 2008 8:50 AM +00:00

Yes r151. I saw that Drew Carey episode.

--Anonymous
replies 752Mar 22, 2008 9:24 AM +00:00

WHY do women do this?!?!?

youtube.com
--AND she has british teeth to boot.
replies 753Mar 22, 2008 10:36 AM +00:00

R743, don't be so hard on me, baby. I figured you could deduce from my post that my English spelling is handicapped both by me being an European and borderline alcoholic. Besides, design people are poor spellers and we're not ashamed and we don't care. Have a safe drive to Taco Bell, sweetums! Cunt.

--Anonymous
replies 754Mar 22, 2008 4:21 PM +00:00

Typical America

--Anonymous
replies 755Mar 22, 2008 4:31 PM +00:00

Ewwwwwwwww.

--Anonymous
replies 756Mar 24, 2008 4:11 PM +00:00

For Valentine's Day, one of our nicest clients bought the fraus lunch as a thank you. I decided to buy the fraus dessert, so I bought 2 whole cheesecakes from the Cheesecake Factory. Since they are sold frozen, I left them on the counter in the lunch room overnight to thaw. When I got in the next morning, the fraus had already devoured one whole cheesecake for breakfast. This was before 9:00am. I was seriously disgusted.

--Anonymous
replies 757Mar 24, 2008 4:26 PM +00:00

THE MEADOW SISTERS! They were estranged for the last year of Audreys life, why? Jayne lost her husband, Steve Allen in 2000, after 46yrs of marriage.

--Anonymous
replies 758Mar 24, 2008 4:36 PM +00:00

Is that a REAL thing at R753?

--Anonymous
replies 759Mar 27, 2008 4:21 PM +00:00

God I love this thread. And it's true about the cubecows and thier snacking. At my desk I know it's 8 a.m. when i hear the ceaseless pawing an innocent potato chip bag.

--Anonymous
replies 760Mar 28, 2008 12:41 AM +00:00

There are no male "sows at the trough" working in cube world? You must be kidding!!

My mom told me the story about this annoying man she worked with many years ago.

He always bothered the women in her department, waltzing in there asking for candy and whining why there "was never a candy bowl out".

He was always coming in when there was a birthday cake or the women were celebrating someone's new baby etc.

One day the supervisor had it with him, the department took a small fancy gift bag, wrote 'candy' on it and filled it with their lunch scraps and left it in an area they knew would catch his eye.

Like clockwork, he came in and stuck his grubby hand in without even looking into the bag.

He got a nice fistful of squashed fries, mustard, wet mayo soaked bread and other weird concoctions, boy was he embarrassed.

He never bothered those women again about candy or grubbed a piece of someone's birthday cake!

--Anonymous
replies 761Mar 28, 2008 1:14 AM +00:00

r761, you remind me of the tried and true practice at my old company that the lower-echelon women (admins and junior execs.) brought in the food, while the male and SVP men in the company who made at least 5 times what they did, always smelled the food and came for grub. They were shameless and unrepentant, grabbing stuff for themselves before the girls that it was intended for ever got to it. Until one day...

One of the dept's senior women just put an SVP on the spot and railed into him for his gluttony and thievery for taking food that was intended for entry and jr. level staff. And also, that he never once offered to contribute. And he was a born again "Christian." Yeah, she fucked up his bubble. Never again was he seen, but the girls never saw any financial contribution toward his free lunch money.

--Anonymous
replies 762Mar 28, 2008 1:31 AM +00:00

When I worked in hospital administration, I liked to keep a bowl of candy on my desk, and I usually bought bags of chocolate pieces to fill it with. Usually just Hershey's kisses and mini-candy bars and the like, because most people like chocolate better than hard candy.

But as word got out, male doctors who didn't know me and had never spoken to me would come into the office, walk over to my desk and take a handful of candy, then turn around and walk out without ever saying hello, thank you, or anything at all.

I came back from lunch or the rest room more than once to find the bowl empty, and a few times I actually walked in on the physicians in the act of dumping the entire bowlful into the pockets of their lab coats.

When I started hiding the candy, they would take one look at my desk and say, "Where's the candy?"

And I'd say, "I had to hide it from thieves."

They'd say something like, "Well, where is it?"

And I'd say, "It's not available to anyone I didn't offer it to."

Then they would snort or make some derisive comment and turn around and walk out.

These were people who, if I found myself on the elevator with them, would have choked rather than speak to me.

--Anonymous
replies 763Mar 28, 2008 2:49 AM +00:00

BTW, 763 = a gay man

--Anonymous
replies 764Mar 28, 2008 2:50 AM +00:00

Well that's quite obvious, R764!

I do notice that my candy dishes (not out all the time. One at Valentine's, St Patrick's, Easter, Halloween, Christmas) have a tendency to either be heavily dented or emptied when I'm not there, usually overnight. I finally started to put the dishes in my desk overnight, not because I mind people eating candy that I do put out for public consumption, but because I can't afford to refill it EVERY day just because a greedy person steals ALL of it. I can't imagine doing anything like that. One alternative, which I have yet to do, is put boring, terrible candy out. It lasts far longer!

--Anonymous
replies 765Mar 28, 2008 3:02 AM +00:00

I know a woman, a school secretary, who had a similar problem. Teachers who stayed late knew which desk drawer contained her box of chocolates. She'd find the box pilfered, near empty.

So one day she dipped cherry pits, olive pits, peach pits in chocolate and left them in her drawer. She was left alone after that. She said if it happened again she'd resort to laxatives.

--Anonymous
replies 766Mar 28, 2008 3:10 AM +00:00
They had pizza delivered for lunch and set out in the break room so the lawyers at the depo could come in eat, and get back to work. No such luck; the army of legal secretaries had already stampeded to break room and ate the pizza. Really embarrassing for the firm. R731, the firm couldn't afford to buy a few more pizzas and to have a supervisor guard them until the lawyers had eaten?
--Anonymous
replies 767Mar 28, 2008 3:12 AM +00:00

A pizza guard, uhm, R767 just isn't getting it.

--Anonymous
replies 768Apr 16, 2008 3:02 PM +00:00

I hear you, r763.

It's disgusting that some people are just so fucking rude and self-entitled that they just think you *owe* it to them to have candy out.

Some people just have no fucking clue.

--Anonymous
replies 769Apr 16, 2008 3:25 PM +00:00

I love this thread.

--Anonymous
replies 770Apr 18, 2008 2:57 PM +00:00

Any updates? Pleeaaase.

--Anonymous
replies 771Apr 24, 2008 10:49 AM +00:00

Any Memorial Day potlucks?

--Hopeful Harry
replies 772May 23, 2008 7:49 PM +00:00

I made some chocolate chip bread pudding and ate it all by myself alone tonight because I have PMS.

--Cunty Cubefrau
replies 773May 23, 2008 8:12 PM +00:00

I'm not sympathetic to the whining from people that put a candy dish out, and then bitch when people **gasp** help themselves.

Yes, I agree that it's rude for people to take fistfulls, but an act of "help yourself" suddenly becomes a passive-aggressive secret tally of who's grabbing what and how much.

I worked in an office where there were a few "candy-dishers". I never went near the fucking things because I once overheard commentary about how their jar diminished whenever so-and-so was around. The fraus thought it was because I'm a diabetic, but it was really because I viewed them as some kind of trap.

--Anonymous
replies 774May 23, 2008 8:16 PM +00:00

I once worked at a bank across from Independence Hall in Philly. Anyway a few blocks from the bank was a homeless shelter. So, it was the perfect storm of cowfraus, tourists, and the homeless that came to head one fateful day in the summer of 92. For a cereal company decided to give away free samples, that caused chaos The cows I worked with fought with the homeless, because they had families to feed, unlike the nasty homeless. These cows came back to work with shopping bags full of this crap cereal. See, the people giving out the freebees got super freaked out by the carnage, so they dropped the cereal and ran.

--Anonymous
replies 775May 24, 2008 4:33 PM +00:00
WHY do women do this?!?!? mental illness

desperate need for attention.

all around skank.

--Anonymous
replies 776May 24, 2008 4:50 PM +00:00

Sprinkles bump

--Main sow
replies 777Jun 5, 2008 5:11 AM +00:00

Cue the Heifertiti Chorus, please!

--Food glorious food!
replies 778Jun 5, 2008 5:21 AM +00:00

Mayonnaise on a Triscuit bump

--Anonymous
replies 779Jun 18, 2008 2:39 PM +00:00

I finally have a story to tell. It's not much compared to some of the stories here but I couldn't believe it when it happened. We organize morning tea every few weeks and rotate the schedule between us. It was my turn to contribute so I went with my co-worker and bought the expected things - fruit, dip, cold meats, and cheese, while she brought the sweet items.

Afterwards, it's tradition to put out leftover food for everyone else on the floor (and they ALL hoover it up, believe me, no matter how long it's been sitting there or how gross it is - no gender distinctions here). Most of the food is gone except for one of the cheeses which, though nice, was barely touched, some bread, and and some fruit. I'm cleaning up, and I hear this woman I don't know well talking about the cheese 'is there a knife? No, oh well ... I've touched it anyway ...'

I turn around, and she's picked up the whole chunk of leftover cheese and is eating it. Not sliced into normal portions, not with biscuits or bread, just held in her hand and eaten like it's a normal thing to do, to hold a large wedge of cheese and eat the whole thing.

--And no, it wasn''t Red Dragon cheese
replies 780Jun 27, 2008 2:49 AM +00:00

Great to see there's still some life in tihs thread. It wouldn't have survived if started nowadays, of course. The fraus would have pig-piled (sow-piled?)on and suffocated it before it reached the third page.

--Anonymous
replies 781Jun 27, 2008 10:21 AM +00:00

Those silly fraus! That anecdote rings so true R780

--Anonymous
replies 782Jun 27, 2008 10:38 AM +00:00

Laughing hystericaly at R780's post!! I can SO see that!!

You know, I was thinking of the term "gunt" yesterday and I guess, it's true that as women get fatter, their vagina's are at an actual slant.Gut. Cunt.

Thoughts?

--Anonymous
replies 783Jun 29, 2008 4:50 AM +00:00

LOL @ R780!!

--Anonymous
replies 784Jul 14, 2008 2:52 AM +00:00

I love this thread. There are a whole group of the sows at my work. They're revolting.

--Anonymous
replies 785Jul 14, 2008 3:08 AM +00:00

Not as good as the rest of these stories but it still brings a smile to my face when I think about it...

Years ago I worked with a cubefrau who was always either talking about what she was going to eat next or going on about her latest fad diet. It didn't matter how well she did or didn't know you - no one was immune to her endless prattle.

One day a small group of us were having a conversation about the task at hand when she interupted us by waltzing into the center of our gathering and excitedly announcing, "I've lost 5 pounds on my new diet!"

One of the guys rolled his eyes and deadpanned, "Just turn around, Paula, and you'll find it."

It shocked that smile right off her face. She walked away and I never heard another word about her diets!

However, it didn't stop her from incessantly talking about what she was going to eat next/fix for dinner, etc.

--A fond memory
replies 786Jul 14, 2008 7:04 AM +00:00

So many laughs, such spectacular writing. Perfect thread!

--Anonymous
replies 787Jul 15, 2008 12:35 AM +00:00

LOL @ R780!!

I can SO see that!!

--Anonymous
replies 788Aug 3, 2008 9:07 AM +00:00

>> I turn around, and she's picked up the whole chunk of leftover cheese and is eating it. Not sliced into normal portions, not with biscuits or bread, just held in her hand and eaten like it's a normal thing to do, to hold a large wedge of cheese and eat the whole thing.

That's just gross. Sadly it's also a common happening with these sows.

--Anonymous
replies 789Sep 10, 2008 7:20 AM +00:00

>> If someone brings in any snacks to keep at their desk for when we work long hours, they usually politely offer everyone else a bite, not just hide it away for themselves.

When I was in the Navy, I kept food at my shipboard battle station in case we were stuck at our stations for a long period with no food getting to us. (They deliver.) One night, going through the Str. of Hormuz, engines throbbing and guns aimed at Iran, the food didn't get through to us. I shared this battle station with one other guy, Skip, and we started talking about how hungry we were. Then we remembered I had stashed away some goodies before we left the States. I have no idea why I had gotten such a strange combination of things, but we sat there while sailing past the coast of Iran eating pickled artichoke hearts and Oreo cookies and drinking Hawaiian Punch. Skip volunteered to restock the food stash after that.

--Anonymous
replies 790Sep 10, 2008 10:28 AM +00:00

There's this slovenly frau in our office who recently purchased a Blackberry *yawn* and she goes up to anyone and everyone to make them listen to her Nina Simone ringtone; "Sinnerman". She'll sit in her stable and listen to the ringtone for a while before she answers it.

I use to like that song.

Now I don't

--I want to punch her.
replies 791Sep 13, 2008 6:30 AM +00:00

I love this thread and I'm an overweight woman! Keep it going!

--Anonymous
replies 792Sep 13, 2008 8:06 AM +00:00

Me? I sat sedately at my desk, sipping my black coffee, waiting for the rep to approach me.

I don't know why I love that post so much.

--Anonymous
replies 793Oct 3, 2008 12:11 PM +00:00
We organize morning tea every few weeks and rotate the schedule between us. It was my turn to contribute so I went with my co-worker and bought the expected things - fruit, dip, cold meats, and cheese, while she brought the sweet items.

Is that you, Oscar? Are you talking about "The Finer Things" club?

--Anonymous
replies 794Oct 3, 2008 12:20 PM +00:00
I love this thread and I'm an overweight woman! Keep it going!

Really? So you've read all 27 pages and that still isn't enough?

--Anonymous
replies 795Oct 3, 2008 12:23 PM +00:00

I love you 792!

--Anonymous
replies 796Oct 3, 2008 12:32 PM +00:00

Okay, here is my fat story. A group of us went to lunch today at a great little bbq smokehouse near work. There were three overweight women all wearing identical company shirts eating loaded baked potatoes with meat fillings and, this is what killed me, a side of fries. Think they got their monthly carb count in??

--Anonymous
replies 797Oct 3, 2008 12:41 PM +00:00

R795?

Brush the crumbs off your tits, doll.

--Anonymous
replies 798Oct 5, 2008 4:21 AM +00:00

J'ADORE this thread!!

--Anonymous
replies 799Oct 11, 2008 3:19 PM +00:00

The most annoying people are the ones who come to expect food all the time.

"Are there any cookies today?" NO!

--Anonymous
replies 800Oct 11, 2008 3:43 PM +00:00

EXACTLY R800.

--Anonymous
replies 801Oct 15, 2008 4:31 AM +00:00

Perhaps the Soup Nazi needs to make office calls. Whip the cube fraus into shape.

"May I have a cinnamon bun?"

--Anonymous
replies 802Oct 15, 2008 5:02 AM +00:00

I wanna know more about R790's throbbing engines.

--Anonymous
replies 803Oct 15, 2008 5:03 AM +00:00

!~Obese cubicle BUMP~!

--Anonymous
replies 804Nov 7, 2008 2:16 AM +00:00

I want to hear Halloween stories. I nearly started a thread called 'Samhain at the trough.'

--r 780
replies 805Nov 7, 2008 2:40 AM +00:00

Oh, how I've missed this thread so!!

Thanks for reviving it for us. Keep up the stories.

I remember one time when I was working in Boston. One of the fraus in our office thougth she had this brilliant idea. We had our annual Christmas pot-luck buffet in the office(yuck) and Bertha (not her real name) decided to write a memo to all of the staff, concerning the method and order in which we should get our food from the kitchen. She told us that after much brainstorming, she thought that the best way to go would be alphabetical, starting with people whose last name began with 'A'.

Well, guess what Bertha's last name started with? You guessed it, you are all so smart on DL-an 'A'. Mind you, I laughed my ass off. Did I forget to mention that at the time Bertha was a whopping 350 pounds if not more. Needless to say, I decided to nix the lunch buffet and go out on my own.

Oh, those fraus are a weird bunch.

--Anonymous
replies 806Nov 7, 2008 2:51 AM +00:00

Yowza, keep 'em coming!!

--Anonymous
replies 807Nov 7, 2008 5:46 AM +00:00

Could we hear another fine tune from the Heifertiti Chorus?

--Eat Half Portions
replies 808Nov 7, 2008 6:16 AM +00:00

LOL @ R806!!!

--Anonymous
replies 809Nov 7, 2008 7:00 AM +00:00

Many years ago, we had a guy in the office that the DL would have considered an honorary frau.

This guy would come to any company party in the office - even when not invited - and gorge himself. Funny thing is he wasn't fat.

Anyway, for one birthday party, he showed up as they were cutting this huge sheet cake. The whole department was served, and the birthday frau turned to him and said "Hey Bob, would you like a slice of cake?" He says, "Sure" and he grabs the knife, cuts the cake down the middle, through the cardboard base, lifts up half the cake, and left.

We all stood there with our jaws open. No one said a word, we were too stunned. The birthday frau actually cried, though. I went to his office about 30 minutes later to tell him what a tool he was, and there he was, with the last remnants of cake on his shirt and frosting on his face. I think this guy had an eating disorder. Anyway, I told him that hat he did was tacky, and that if I see him at another company gathering to which he has not been invited, I would personally throw him out. (He was 6'4" and I am a 5'9" woman.) I think I scared the shit out of him anyway because that was the last company party he ever attended.

--Anonymous
replies 810Nov 7, 2008 7:16 AM +00:00

"The whole department was served, and the birthday frau turned to him and said "Hey Bob, would you like a slice of cake?" He says, "Sure" and he grabs the knife, cuts the cake down the middle, through the cardboard base, lifts up half the cake, and left."

WTF? What did he say when you confronted him, R810?? Did he explain why he felt the need to take half of a sheet cake?

--Anonymous
replies 811Nov 7, 2008 7:24 AM +00:00

bump - to find out why the guy took half the cake???

--curious
replies 812Nov 7, 2008 9:43 AM +00:00

Yeah, that's messed up!

--Anonymous
replies 813Nov 7, 2008 9:53 AM +00:00

Yesterday we had a lunch meeting. It was catered deli sandwiches and salads with chips and cookies and soft drinks.

They over ordered as usual and we were noticing there were 6 sandwiches left and so someone made the comment that we would have enough for lunch again the next day.

We have one employee who always is looking for a free handout and so it was mentioned to him that there were leftovers and he could help himself.

Lunch time rolls around today and we go into the breakroom and open the fridge and low and behold NO sandwiches left. WTF? We ask the guy who was told he could help himself and he admits he ate them all (5 or 6) and that no one said there was a limit. We all walked away in disgust and he has the nerve to be pissed off because of the way we confronted him.

--Unbelievable
replies 814Nov 11, 2008 8:43 AM +00:00

R814's culprit may have been greedy (I've no idea how big the sandwiches were), but if you say 'help yourself to the leftovers', you can hardly complain.

--Anonymous
replies 815Nov 11, 2008 10:33 AM +00:00

I was a frau today. There was an annual intern lunch and I had to rush down there after the lunch was over to grab a leftover burrito.

Have at me, girls.

--But I''m justified because I forgot my lunch and can''t afford to eat out
replies 816Nov 11, 2008 11:07 AM +00:00

Sow Blog

Offsite Link
--Anonymous
replies 817Nov 14, 2008 1:47 PM +00:00

I posted earlier about the pizza run at the law firm. My parents own and run a medical practice, and believe it or not, their assistants were always reasonable about food (gifts from other doctors, meals from presentations by the drug company reps, etc.). It was nice for them to have leftovers to enjoy at the office.

Unfortunately, their newest assistant was literally staking out the break room; when there were any leftovers, she would immediately pack them up in her own containers from home and lock them in her car, often in the middle of the day! My parents eventually had to forbid everyone from taking leftovers home until the end of the week.

--Anonymous
replies 818Nov 14, 2008 2:11 PM +00:00

Thanks R187 . . . that blog is hysterical.

--Anonymous
replies 819Nov 14, 2008 2:18 PM +00:00

"Sow Blog"? I only weigh 150, beotch!

Offsite Link
--Joss
replies 820Nov 14, 2008 3:08 PM +00:00

Is that blog real - this cow seriously needs to be slapped down.

--Anonymous
replies 821Nov 14, 2008 3:22 PM +00:00

Sowfraugunt bump.

--Anonymous
replies 822Dec 6, 2008 3:40 PM +00:00

We are "Kringling" -- which means most of the office drew names and are playing Secret Santa with one another, coming in early and skulking around to drop off a package of Hershey's Hugs, a Dollar Tree stocking, or the sort of Christmas CD you find at a carwash on the desks or in the cubes of "their Kringles."

The walls of more than one cube are now covered in festive wrapping paper. Nearly every desk has a glass bowl of candy canes or York peppermint patties.

In the breakroom -- the potluck signup sheet! This year the office manager broke it into courses so we don't have 25 dips and no entrees. Yes, someone is bringing a "Better Than Sin" cake (I guess "Better Than Sex" was too racy).

It's all voluntary this year because we have a Jehovah's Witness on staff now.

--Anonymous
replies 823Dec 14, 2008 5:36 AM +00:00

J'ADORE R786.

--Anonymous
replies 824Dec 14, 2008 5:52 AM +00:00

I love R780.

--Anonymous
replies 825Dec 14, 2008 5:53 AM +00:00

the fraus finally wised p in our office and Linda is the "coordinator" this year. Everyone has to email Linda what they are preparing this year, so there are no repeats. I thankfully left the gate first and emailed "brownies", kind of a no-brainer. Well now therse bitches are going hoof to hoof on which ENTREES to bring. I personally think you can't have to many entrees, but I thought these two fat cunts were going to get into a fistfight over what they were bringing. Some latin dish. It wasn't pretty, but definitely hilarious listening to them argue in Spanish.

--Anonymous
replies 826Dec 14, 2008 6:00 AM +00:00

We've got several male pigs who eat like they are starving and have to be told NOT to eat everything in sight.

I don't understand this mentality of gorging yourself when it's obvious you can afford to miss several meals over several months before anyone notices.

WTF is up with people acting like they're starving when they so obviously are not?

--Not skinny but not greedy, either
replies 827Dec 14, 2008 6:50 AM +00:00

When Mrs. F isn't starting a whispering campaign against perceived enemies or running down the company, she's repeating secrets confided to her by her "best friends" in the office. She has these blood red fingernails that, everytime I see them plunged into a 5 lb can of peanuts, reminds me of that lovely scene in The Little Girl Who Lived Down the Lane and makes me wish I could push her down the stairs.

She is unspeakably rude and finds it funny to be blunt and crass like Samantha from SIC. Only she hasn't been laid in years. Things magically disappear in her presence - food, money, decorum, and she is the overbearing mother of three boys who are currently in line for stealth therapy inside of five years. In fact, she was so incensed at where her eldest son's penis had been, she outright refused to acknowledge that she was a *gasp* Grandmother for MONTHS. Not that anybody wouldn't have believed it. Her mammoth bulk ages her.

We have a cafeteria on site because we are a 24/7 operation. Ms. F starts her day grazing in the cafeteria for an hour or so noshing on a full meal and divulging the latest gossip to anyone willing to listen. When she is through, she half-lumbers/half-wobbles like Jabba the Hut to the desk she has been assigned for that week. She has a bad habit of picking fights so she is moved periodically to keep the peace.

The department has the usual pot lucks and ordering out (Chipotle!) and they are a complete cluster of misfits on all levels. It appears their department is where they dump "the girls" who they can't fire. On this particular day, they were setting up the salads and fixins' because they were going to try and "eat healthy". Salad consisted of shredded cheese, sour cream, pasta salad, macaroni salad, potato salad, sunflower seed and nut toppings, etc. Oh yes, and they did bring vegetables. Mrs. F., however, brought out this ridiculous monstrosity of a dessert made of cheesecake, caramel, chocolate, caramel and who knows what else (I don't remember). Mrs. F made it, of course, because she always feels the need to draw attention to herself be it arts and crafts or inappropriate food preparation.

This thing was so heavy from toppings it was falling apart (she has no engineering background). And Lord help you if you pass on the food, The hostile passive/aggressive attitude will not only be directed at you to your face, but will also be mentioned and embellished in conversations with others.

And before anyone asks, she claims her boss is deeply closeted (to anyone who will listen), so that explains why she is allowed to throw her bulk around. She's tall and very fat and uses her space to intimidate him (or so goes the theory).

--Land of 1000 Frau
replies 828Dec 14, 2008 5:49 PM +00:00

*bumping for someone*

--Anonymous
replies 829Jun 18, 2009 1:43 PM +00:00

Im proud of you girl.

Sounds like you are "making it there" in your very own office cubicle with a bunch of fat pig fish that make you miserable every day bitching about them to strangers online.

At least you have your 1,500 square foot 3 br apartment with a mountain/ river view and all the fresh air you can breathe.

--misshelenbedd
replies 830Jun 18, 2009 1:47 PM +00:00

of all the obnoxious threads to bump

--Anonymous
replies 831Jun 18, 2009 1:58 PM +00:00

thank you r829. That was cool.

--Anonymous
replies 832Jun 18, 2009 1:58 PM +00:00

I thought this thread was lost forever! Thank you for bringing it back!!!

--Anonymous
replies 833Jun 18, 2009 2:06 PM +00:00
of all the obnoxious threads to bump

Exactly! That's what makes it so delightful.

--Anonymous
replies 834Jun 18, 2009 2:13 PM +00:00

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

--Anonymous
replies 835Jun 19, 2009 12:21 PM +00:00

J'ADORE this thread! Yay!

--Anonymous
replies 836Jun 19, 2009 12:56 PM +00:00

This is a very long thread so I don't know if this was ever posted regarding the Quacker Factory Sweater lady:

www.youtube.com
--Jesus rules!
replies 837Jun 19, 2009 1:06 PM +00:00

I am a bit doubtful that all these fat women do such obviously stereotypical things as many of you claim. I've never known a fat woman who didn't feel the need to hide her eating because of bitchy comments. The stories about women with drawers and containers full of food under their desk sound the truest, personally.

--Anonymous
replies 838Jun 19, 2009 1:18 PM +00:00

The last Christmas I was at my old insurance company, people brought in a lot of great stuff instead of the usual store-bought sugar cookies with a pound of frosting. It was a madhouse. One lady brought in some norimaki sushi (all veggie, no meat) and it was delicious, but most people avoided it completely while loudly saying "Why do ASIANS eat SEAWEED??!!" near her.

The veggie plate's Ranch dip went disappearing by 9:00 AM even though none of the veggies had been touched.

I caught the boss leaving the office early out the back way with stolen food stuffed in his coat: 2 large unsliced sausages, a new box of crackers, and a bunch of cheese.

On Valentine's Day, everyone just brought in cookies and cupcakes to keep the peace.

--Anonymous
replies 839Jun 19, 2009 1:23 PM +00:00

R829, fess up: how the fuck did you find this thread when we have a non-functional search box and there have been no posts for a solid six months??

--Anonymous
replies 840Jun 19, 2009 1:34 PM +00:00

r840, read the thread below.

Offsite Link
--Anonymous
replies 841Jun 19, 2009 1:39 PM +00:00

I work with this bovine heiffer named Gaithy. She's about 5'5" and 270 lbs. of pure crisco. About a month ago one of our truck line sales reps had lunch catered for the whole business, front office and warehouse (about 50 people). The tables were set up and huge aluminum serving pans were lined up with all sorts of things from meat balls in marinara sauce to fried chicken and sliced roast beef, along with all sorts of casseroles, salads and drinks.

Everyone pigged out mightily and once most people had moved on back to their offices and desks the catering crew started to clean up. There were enough leftovers to feed a small village and I told a couple of our people to place the covers back on the serving pans and put everything in the fridges and people could eat the leftovers for lunch for a few days until most was gone.

Well fast forward to fat Gaithy who had snuck back before the ladies could get back there to cover everything up and they caught her loading up the serving trays in the trunk of her car that was parked next to the loading dock just ouside the room where we had the lunch. The fat sow told them it wasn't safe to store the food in the fridges and let people eat from it for a couple of days so she was going to take it to a local food kitchen (yeah that food kitchen just happened to be at her house). One of the ladies had the moxey to yell at her and say "and you think it's safe to keep it in the trunk of your car until you go home this evening"? They went out and took everything out of her trunk and brought it back in and told her she'd better watch her mouth. Fat ass snuck back to her desk and never mentioned another word about it.

You just can't trust the morbidly obese around free food!

--Anonymous
replies 842Jun 19, 2009 1:41 PM +00:00

Is it an "American" thing to just make a pig of one's self over anything free (not just food)? I mean I was born and raised here, but to immigrant parents. I can't imagine any scenario short of actual starvation where I would ever behave in such a boorish manner. Even when I worked in an office, I never understood the lack of shame on the part of those who would just take and take and take. We've had catered lunches and I always made a point of never taking too much, nor would it EVER dawn on me to literally take the food home with me. Such trash.

--Anonymous
replies 843Jun 19, 2009 3:15 PM +00:00

Oh how I missed this thread!

--Anonymous
replies 844Jun 19, 2009 5:05 PM +00:00
"Necessity is the hausfrau of invention, I suppose."

LOL!!

--Anonymous
replies 845Jun 21, 2009 2:40 AM +00:00

One of my coworkers was caught licking the nozzle of the ketchup bottle after she had used it in her lunch and then putting it back in the communal fridge. Yes, we did shame her. It must be something she does at home at didn't give a second to thought at work.

--Anonymous
replies 846Jun 22, 2009 7:49 PM +00:00